You can't have her, she's mine!
Where are you?
I'll find you.
You've trespassed.
I'll kill you.
CREDITS
Villanelle!
Hey!
Were you watching that?
What?
Do you want me to say thank you?
Jesus, I know where they are.
Well, where they will be.
We don't have much time.
Konstantin said that you'd know how to decode this.
It's Hélène's.
You steal phones from corpses now?
They don't know she's dead yet.
They're having a meeting and this is our chance.
And this is why you're here?
You know why I'm here.
You want this as much as I do.
What did you do to her?
Why, are you looking for inspiration?
Villanelle!
Amateur!
Oh, are you kidding me?
Villanelle!
Jesus!
Villanelle!
Oh, God! She's coming.
Jesus! Oh come on, come on.
Jesus!
I will kill you bitches!
Villanelle!
No signal.
Well, maybe we can tether it? Is your phone working?
Are you gonna help?
You just don't get it, do you?
You don't want to say it, fine. I don't care. But I can.
I need you, Villanelle.
I came all this way to be with you
and in the middle of...
Ah... nowhere.
You're angry?
I'm angry.
You're hurt,
I'm hurt.
That is life and we are running out of time.
So you need to stop pouting and being like a suck face and get on with it!
No, stop!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Stop it. Stop... stop it!
Are you kidding me?
Hey!
Are you two okay?
All good thanks.
_
Your accent is terrible.
You sound like a drunk bat.
Come on then. Quick march.
_
Oh! Ah!
Mary Poppins!
Oh, the storms round here come on in no time.
We couldn't leave you out there in the elements.
- Could we, baba? - Oh, that's right, honey.
Oh it'll probably blow over by morning.
Until then, I guess we just get to know each other.
- Yeah. - Chat.
It might be fun!
So, how did you guys meet?
Oh she stalked me, drove my husband away,
- left me with nothing. - She stalked me.
She put me in prison, she tongued my boss.
Oh no.
I'm so gullible.
Oh, how about you two?
Well, erm...
I'm gonna... oh, I'll tell her.
Mag... sorry. Maggie gave me a kidney.
I was in hospital visiting a friend
and Donnie was in the next bed on dialysis.
I thought he's cute.
I thought she looked like she had a kidney spare, I'm kidding.
And then, six months later...
- Should we? - Yeah.
- Ta-da! - Look at that.
Kidney twins.
Aww...
We are bound together, forever.
- That's true, baby. - Oh, my baba...
_
This place used to be owned by an Austrian woman
who came here as a child on the Kindertransport.
When she died, she gifted the whole house and everything in it
to the British government as a way of saying thank you.
I'm sure she'd be thrilled with you manhandling her crockery.
Do you want to know why I got into this job?
Would a "no" deter you?
I believe in what we do.
And I know it might surprise you to hear this,
but I take pride in protecting our country.
Well, the good bits anyway,
not so much the eggy bits.
And I do the unsavoury things that we all have to do
because I believe that they are necessary for the greater good.
But you...
I think you love the unsavoury. You get off on the lying
and the sneaking around
and the little nod to somebody on a Monday morning
that gets somebody a thousand miles away killed.
Aren't you even a tiny bit ashamed of yourself?
Unplug the listening devices.
All of them.
That's the lot.
Your nice new girlfriend from the Home Counties Melanie...
is actually a Russian agent from Vladivostok.
- Bollocks. - Oh I've seen a lot of those too, I really have.
You hit her with a deluge of penis portraits.
She did move in with you bizarrely quickly, don't you think?
Or maybe, someone with your vanity wouldn't notice that.
She's probably there now, all alone,
free to ransack through your sordid little bits.
Would you bring in my bags before you...
Okay. Are you ready?
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm scared, I'm sacred.
It's gonna be fine, relax.
- Relax. Okay. - All right, all right, just do it
The moon.
I love this card, that's a really mysterious card.
Listen how to trust your intuition, baba.
My intuition...
- I think I might kill them. - I think I'm gonna help you.
Do you guys want me to read your tarot?
You totally should. It's like she can see into your soul.
Okay.
Perfect.
So I'll do a simple three card reading.
The first card represents the past, the second the present
and third the future.
I'm complicated.
Okay.
The Tower.
That speaks of chaos and destruction in your past.
Can you think of why that might be?
Let's have a look at your present
Mm. The Lovers.
Normally, it would denote unity,
but the card is upside down so it speaks of the opposite.
Is there any unresolved conflict in your partnership?
Do my future.
The Sun.
The Sun?
That's one of the best cards you can get.
The Sun is magnificent and holy.
Whatever path you walk down, you'll be blessed with a celestial light.
The Sun is life.
Okay, you know what, do my future.
- Don't shove the Sun, Eve. - Let's go.
I can do you a three card reading too...
I don't want that. I just want the future. The last one.
Yeah.
Okay.
_
Okay. What do you want?
24 hours.
And a taxi to Hampstead.
They're just cards, Eve.
- There's no such thing as fate. - Really?
What's this then?
- You're a lot today. - I'm a lot every day.
One of her organs is inside of him
and they still can't piss in front of each other.
I wouldn't take it too seriously.
Hey, are you two okay sharing a sleeping bag?
What are you doing?
Shall we steal their stupid camper van?
Yes.
Oh, OK.
So the nearest truck stop isn't that far.
Maybe they'll have a phone charger.
I can't believe Hélène's phone dies now.
What do they even have at truck stops?
Trucks.
Oh.
Feed me one will you, honey?
Sure thing, bubba.
Ugh.
- Oh, did you get the coffee one? - Yeah.
Karma.
Ugh.
? But don't forget it's me who put you where you are now
? And I can put you back down too
? Don't, don't you want me?
? You know I can't believe it
? When I hear that you won't see me
? Don't, don't you want me?
? You know I don't believe you
? When you say that you don't need me
? It's much too late to find
? When you think you've changed your mind
? You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry
? Don't you want me, baby?
? Don't you want me
? Don't you want me...
Oh, my God, they do curly fries.
Curly fries?
What?
Can I use this?
Yes.
This had better be good.
I have 22 hours and I would like to take The Twelve down before supper time.
Konstantin's dead.
I killed him.
With a pizza cutter.
Is that it?
He wanted me to tell you he always loved you.
And to give you this.
You could've posted it.
I just thought...
Maybe...
Well, now you've told me.
Wait.
You're a psychopath.
I like mustard.
It's messed up.
I'm the psychopath? Please...
What?
Go for it.
Okay. We have the address.
The Barn Swallow? Are you sure this is the right location?
It's what the postcard said.
That's the pub by MI6, the cheeky tossers.
One time, me and Bill were in there,
and saw a man vomit into his pint glass and then drink it.
Bill.
You murdered him, on a dance floor in Berlin.
Of course.
I remember Bill.
So do I.
What's your name?
Pam.
Pam, I've made two discoveries in the last year.
Firstly, that I look exceptional in linen.
Really. Truly unbeatable.
And secondly, that emotions or
feelings as people apparently like to call them nowadays,
are at best an inconvenience
and at worst a total scourge on one's freedoms.
Guilt and shame especially.
Don't let them take hold.
This reminds me of my daughter.
So tranquil and serene.
Is she...?
Oh, alive and well, just supremely irritating.
Don't open your mouth.
Just seen a dead fox.
_
Upstairs rooms are all empty.
Cellar just had a guy in there eating pickles straight from the jar.
How wretched.
Shall we go?
Carolyn.
How are you?
- I miss Havana. - Me too.
The music,
the dancing.
The inebriated nudity.
Could you two give us a moment?
Whatever muck you intend to sling, please spare me.
Actually, I wanted to thank you.
How disconcerting.
If you hadn't spotted me in that meeting
the morning after Bill's karaoke party,
I wouldn't even be here.
I'd still be warming my tea in the microwave.
One of the great unspoken truths of life, Eve,
is that people behave exactly as you expect them to.
Take you, for example.
You're about to embark on some mad endgame
when in fact you know, deep down, you're just a woman
who likes an inappropriately timed croissant,
on a hungover Sunday morning.
And you are going to race me to it even though you know, deep down,
you don't have an excuse anymore.
You knew who killed Kenny,
you just pretended not so you could keep playing the game.
I was going to do that, yes.
But now I'm going to behave exactly as you'd expect me to,
and do something different.
I'm sorry about Konstantin.
He's dead?
_
Finally, the head honchos of The Twelve in one room.
You can have this one, Eve.
With my blessing.
It's always been mine.
Pamela.
Change of plan, we're going for a walk.
They changed location.
I owe you a dare.
- What's happening? - This can't be right.
- I mean, it looks like a wedding. - Let me see.
Smart.
They're here.
We've got to get on before it leaves.
I don't know why it's so popular.
It's as if ice had only just been invented.
Did you want to go up the London Eye?
My information is no use 300 feet in the air,
in a pod of other people's flatulence.
I see.
Feeling homesick?
Surprisingly, yes.
But you don't go back to MI6 empty handed.
What's the plan?
Whatever Eve and Villanelle are gonna do,
it's happening.
Perhaps that's what I wanted.
You can't win the game unless the game is on, can you?
Who are you loyal to?
Even loyalty is a dubious virtue.
Except when it's to me.
Now, let's not pussyfoot around.
Do you want the job?
No.
Thanks for the coffee.
_
- Hi there. - Hi.
How do we know who the The Twelve is?
We may just have to kill them all.
The boat's about to leave.
That's everyone, she's not here yet. Wait.
Are you Natsuko?
Yes.
- Natsuko, thank God. - Yes.
We've been calling you for ages.
I thought I was going to have to officiate my own wedding for a moment there.
We're starting now. Come on. Great.
Oh!
Distract them.
You look wonderful. Just through here.
You are a handsome man.
You are also a handsome man.
Together,
you are,
two handsome men,
but also so much more than that.
Relationships...
are a lot of work, they require effort,
and you will have tough times,
sometimes you will feel like you're losing your way,
and sometimes you'll feel like your losing each other
but beauty in your relationship,
will be found in the ways you reunite.
Have you ever heard of Kintsugi?
Kintsugi is the Japanese art form of gluing...
Stay with me here. It's...
It's a way of gluing broken pots back together with gold.
It actually strengthens the pot,
It's a way...
of bonding, to create something new,
something completely your own.
You may now kiss the groom.
Hello, losers.
I did it, Eve.
Don't you mean, "We did it"?
Yeah, but mostly me.
- Jump, Eve! - Oh, shit.
Jolly good.
_
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