Hey. I brought you something to snack on.
Thank you, dear.
Could I ask another favor?
My sister will be here any minute to have lunch with me.
- How nice. - Yeah, definitely.
When she gets here, could you tell her I died?
What? You don't want to see her?
No. She's rude, foul-tempered
and has a mouth on her you wouldn't believe.
So she's you?
Without the charm.
Norma, you have a guest.
Thank you, Gabby.
Gabby? With a voice like that, your name should be SpongeBob.
I know, right?
Hello, Irene.
Hello, Norma.
My big sister.
Now my little sister, due to osteoporosis.
Yes, I have gotten a little shorter,
and you've gotten a little wider.
Family reunion. Yay.
Hi, I'm Gina.
Gina owns the place.
You own a retirement home?
What, you couldn't buy a cemetery?
I find it very rewarding helping people.
Ah, you're a do-gooder.
What are you, from California?
- No, I'm from... - Just let it go.
Hello, ladies.
Hey, Drew, come on over and-and meet Norma's sister.
The woman preys on weakness.
You're gonna introduce her to him?
This is Irene.
- Drew drives our shuttle van. - Only temporarily.
I'm a therapist by trade, but I'm on a sabbatical
while I go on a journey of self-discovery.
You sound like a guy who's living in his car.
It's a van, actually.
You ever try not being rude?
I call it like I see it.
And rude? You didn't even come to my husband's funeral.
Why the hell would I do that?
Because he was my husband, and you're my sister.
Well, don't expect to see me at your funeral, either.
You're gonna outlive me?
Let's play connect-the-dots with your melanoma.
How's your diabetes? Still got both feet?
I only need one to kick your ass.
So Norma's the nice one?
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Creamer in your coffee?
No. Not with my IBS.
You have a little dog hair on your derrière.
Rhyme unintentional, but delightful.
Well, get it for me.
Really?
Okay, here goes.
And... good. You're spotless. You could eat off that thing.
Not soup, obviously, but certainly a sandwich or a finger food.
Thanks, buddy.
I did not know I was into that.
- Good morning to you, Harry. - Yeah.
What's the deal with you two?
Nothing, just getting rid of some dog hair on her behind.
She did give me a kidney.
Well, this is against my better judgment,
but I'd like to see you happy.
You have any interest in meeting my grandniece?
You want me to be a part of your family.
Her name is Amanda.
Pretty girl.
Has a few issues, but then who doesn't?
I'm in. I demand-a to meet Amanda.
I hope she has your eyes.
Tomorrow night, I was thinking we could get sushi.
Sure, if it's on the Applebee's menu.
And then maybe after, you could...
spend the night.
You mean like a sleepover?
Well, I know you wanted to take it slow, but things have been good, right?
Things got a little bumpy when you made me binge "Downtown Abbey,"
but otherwise, yeah, good.
So tomorrow night, we can get crazy.
Crazy?
Don't be scared. Just a few toys.
Great.
So if you have a good time,
I won't know if it was me or the slinky.
Peter, my God. What happened?
I believe the technical term is "I fell on my ass."
Are you okay?
I slipped in the shower and injured my coccyx.
Let the snickering begin.
I'll bring you an ice pack later.
You don't want to mess around with a swollen coccyx.
In addition to breakfast, lunch and dinner,
we also offer late night snacks until 7:30.
Hey, peeps. This is Norma's sister, Irene.
- Hi. - Hello.
Irene.
The Greek goddess of peace,
deity of the seasons
and keeper of heaven's gates.
Look who read a book.
I'm Jerry. Nice to meet you.
What is this, a May-December thing?
You could do better.
I like this one.
Okay, let's go sit over there.
Far, far away from other people.
For the record, if you and I were a couple,
I'd be proud to be with you.
Thank you.
This place isn't half bad.
I'll take a BLT and an application to move in.
Hell no.
Why not? Since Stanley died,
there's nothing for me in Florida anymore.
Course there is.
There's hurricanes and alligators.
I'm at the age where assisted living makes sense.
Wouldn't mind some help getting off the can.
This is my home,
and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you ruin it for me.
So...
Did Stanley die of natural causes or...
was it a choice?
G-G-G-G-G Unit!
- What's up? - Yeah. Hey...
Any chance someone else could drive the van tomorrow night?
I've got a bit of a sitch.
I'm sure we could figure out something.
- What's your sitch? - Well, it's not really a sitch.
It's more of a thang.
Ooh, a thang. You gonna get some spice where it's nice?
It's just a blind date, but phasers are set to fun.
Really? A blind date?
Yeah. Harry set me up with his niece, Amanda.
Amanda.
And what do we know about Amanda?
Not much, but it seems as if I've piqued your curiosity.
It's not piqued. You've piqued nothing.
It's piqued.
Like my wife is always yelling at me,
"Flush!"
Unbelievable.
Wins every hand, yet still calls pasta "pasghetti."
Hey, guys. Can I ask you a question?
I mean, like, confidential?
Your secret is safe with us.
Mostly because we won't remember it.
Listen, I-I... I've been out of the dating scene for a long time.
What's the story with those pills, you know,
for your little engine that sometimes can't?
You talking about boner pills?
I got a trunk full of 'em.
You want me to crush some up in your "pasghetti" tonight?
- It's not like I need 'em, I... - Take 'em.
- Really, I don't have a problem. - Take 'em.
- But I'm not even sure, I... - Take 'em.
Fine.
I'll take 'em.
It's just that I haven't been with a woman since Jackie passed.
- So you're nervous? - Damn right I am.
I can't help feeling like maybe I'm betraying her.
After my wife passed, it was several years
before I was even interested in talking to another woman.
Yeah. Meredith was it for me.
- Oh, yeah. - Besides, I'm 85.
I'm done talking, and more importantly, I'm done listening.
I know divorce isn't death,
but, I had trouble moving on, too...
until I saw my ex's dating profile.
Single one month, now you love hiking, Paula?
I lost my first wife,
but I felt like finding love again
and living life to the fullest was actually honoring her.
I had no idea your wife died.
I'm so sorry.
No, I lost her at a Super Kmart.
She said she was going for Q-tips, and I never saw her again.
But I know you're watching over me, Coco.
I-I think what he's trying to say is
that Jackie would be happy you found Bette.
I think she would.
Thanks, fellas.
Bette's a special lady,
a-and I want to show her by banging her good.
Come in.
Hey, how's it going?
I didn't see you at dinner.
That's 'cause the food gets in the way of the booze.
Irene is definitely a handful.
A handful? Don't you mean a bitch?
I don't like it when women use that word for other women...
but yeah, total bitch.
My whole life,
everything I had, she had to have, too.
When I got a doll, she'd cry until she got the same one.
I permed my hair in high school.
So did she.
Thankfully her hair fell out.
Yeah, but that's normal sister stuff.
Like, when my sister got a bag of weed, I wanted one, too.
Did your sister steal your first love?
Well,
weed was my first love.
She really stole your boyfriend?
The date was May 11, 1958.
I guess I'm sitting for this one.
I'd been seeing Stanley for a while.
He was handsome, funny...
I was madly in love with him.
Then Irene walks in wearing one of her tight sweaters
and asks him to fix her flat tire.
Six months later, I was at their wedding.
I got so drunk,
I wound up fooling around with my second cousin, Larry.
Coat closet, Cousin Dwight, been there.
So you understand why I can't have her live here.
Totally.
I know what it's like to have a sister who...
Don't you dare make this about you.
But I have an awful sister, too.
One second.
I'm old, time is precious.
Here's my application to move in.
For emergency contact, I put Tom Selleck.
I don't know him, but I'd like to meet him before I die.
Yeah, about that...
We actually have no vacancies.
I see.
Like little baby Jesus, no room at the inn.
Yes. Exactly.
And it has nothing to do with my sister not wanting me here?
- Right again. - You're a terrible liar.
I know.
She poisoned you against me.
She did tell me about Stanley.
- You want to hear my side? - Not really.
They'd been going out for a bit,
nothing serious,
and then one day, Stanley showed up before Norma got home,
and we started talking.
And it was like, bam, instant connection.
Still, she's your sister.
Yeah, and he was my soul mate.
We were together for 57 years.
See, that's why I didn't want to hear this.
And she met her Arthur a year later.
They had a wonderful life together.
Well, as wonderful as life can be with Norma.
It's interesting.
I have a terrible relationship with my sister.
Don't make this about you.
You know, I've never dated a therapist
that wasn't my therapist.
This was right after my ex-husband
dropped the assault and battery charges against me.
Are we sleeping together tonight?
You know, I hadn't given it much thought.
I'm asking 'cause I'm waiting on some lab results,
and I can only do hand stuff.
That's very thoughtful.
My Uncle Harry said really nice things about you.
Did he?
Funny, he didn't say nearly enough about you.
Welcome to my humble abode.
Well, I figured there'd be leopard print,
but you got the entire endangered species list.
Right to it, uh?
You know, at our age, we really ought to stretch.
I'd hate to pull something.
Let me do the pulling..
Your floor plan's got the bathroom and the window on the right.
Mine's just the opposite.
Are you sure you're ready for this?
Yeah. Totally.
I'm just worried I'm gonna disappoint you.
That's very sweet, but there's nothing to worry about.
Thanks.
I just don't really know where to start.
Those are nice.
I'd applaud, but...
I don't want to take my hands off.
Should we get into bed?
I go where they go.
I asked you both here because
we should be able to work this out like adults...
No.
- I understand you're upset, but... - No.
I told you she couldn't be mature about this.
She's not just a child in size.
It's hard to believe you don't have any friends
keeping you in Florida.
Typical Norma. You've got a good thing, and you don't want to share it.
Why would I share it when you're gonna take it anyway?
I didn't take Stanley!
You're gonna lie to my face?
Your original face or this one?
Okay, let's keep it civil.
Everybody knows how it went.
There's a reason they called you Easy Irene.
And there's a reason nobody called you at all.
Stanley was mine, and that's why you wanted him.
Yeah, I stayed with him for 57 years
- just to annoy you. - See? All we do is fight.
Why the hell would you want to live here anyway?
Because you're my sister and you're all I have left.
My husband's gone.
I'm lucky if I see my kids twice a year.
I hate my grandchildren.
If I don't have you,
I've got nothing.
You're my big sister, and I love you.
Okay, you can live here.
Really?
I'm willing to see where this goes.
But if you do anything to piss me off,
then you're out.
I've seen the men here. We're not gonna have any problems.
I only wish that my sister and I could...
This is not about you.
Sorry I yelled "touchdown" at the end.
It's been a while.
I didn't mind.
It was incredible.
- Really? - The best I ever had.
Wow, that's something coming from a woman who's done...
From someone who's been around the...
Thanks.
How was it for you?
It was nice.
- "Nice"? - Yeah.
"Nice" is a grilled cheese sandwich on a cold, rainy day.
Well, it was our first time.
We got to get in a groove.
Well, then let's try again.
- What, now? - Yeah.
- Are you crazy? - Yeah.
Is everyone okay? My God.
You pressed your emergency call button?
Our bad.
That's gonna haunt me.
Gina?
Hi, Drew.
What are you doing?
What are youdoing?
Would you like to come in?
No. No.
I don't want to interrupt your date.
I took my date home.
Really?
It's pretty early.
Yeah, well, she wasn't exactly my type.
- What type was she? - Clinically insane.
Why? Are you still piqued?
I'm not piqued. I was never piqued.
Gina,
how long are we gonna do this?
Do what?
I love you.
You have to know that.
And I think you feel something, too.
Otherwise, you wouldn't be creeping around trying to get a glimpse
at the psychopath I just took to dinner.
The long pause after I tell a woman I love her.
Reminds me of my marriage.
It's complicated. I just...
I need more time.
Course you do.
Sorry I'm not following your schedule.
Whatever. Take all the time you want.
It might not have been clear, but that was me storming out.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
I smell sex.
Yeah, you do.
I'm with her. But I see you looking.
If I'm looking at one of you, it's her.
Hey, how's it going? You all settled in?
Yes, I am. Hey, while I got you here,
who do I see about getting some nice towels?
Well, I guess you'd see Bed Bath & Beyond.
With what you're charging me, that crap isn't gratis?
Well, we're not a hotel per se.
Listen to you. "Per se."
All right. Here's a hundred bucks.
Go run out, get me some towels.
Well...
You wanted this.
Okay. Any particular color?
Nah, I'm easy.
Why are you still standing there?
What are you smiling about?
I'm just thinking about how that son of a bitch Stanley
got 57 years of you.
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