Scientific rivalries
are a fact of life.
When two competing scientists work on a project,
it can devolve into an intellectual boxing match.
Over the years, there's been a few classic heavyweight bouts.
Newton and Leibniz.
Tesla and Edison.
And in a lesser-known but equally brutal bout...
Linkletter versus Sturgis,
The Tussle with No Muscle.
Let's see how they stack up
in a tale of the tape.
In the wire frame glasses, the Eureka from Topeka,
Grant Linkletter.
IQ: 159.
Papers published: 272.
Bedtime: 8:30.
And his opponent,
in his favorite sensible shoes,
The Brain from Maine,
John Burgess Sturgis!
IQ: 162.
Papers published: 221.
Bedtime: 7:45 on weekdays,
9:00 on Saturday night.
Fasten your thinking caps and let's get it on.
The free-streaming length of the axion is too long.
It'll erase the fluctuations.
You're completely forgetting
that it is nonrelativistic dark matter.
You'll never have the resolution
to see microkelvin features.
I think your brain is as smooth as the top of your head.
Low blow, Grant.
He's right, gentlemen, let's keep it to science.
You'll never have the resolution
to see microkelvin features.
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I cannot work with that creepy little know-it-all one more day.
I-I'm sorry, but are we talking about Sheldon or Sturgis?
Sturgis. Well, both, but mostly Sturgis.
He's not interested in anyone else's input.
I-I'm sorry, Sheldon or Linkletter?
Linkletter.
Ah, got it. Continue.
Well?
But I thought you wanted
Dr. Sturgis on this project.
I'll admit John has been useful, but now
he's just slowing us down.
Well, he keeps Sheldon happy,
and when Sheldon's happy, he's not in this office.
Well, but when he's not in your office, he's in my office.
Eh, "dem's da breaks."
I was brought in to help
but Dr. Linkletter doesn't value my input.
Oh, I hear you. That must be tough.
Ever since he was brought back, he contradicts everything I say.
I hear you. That must be tough.
There was a time when their arguing brought out
the best in them, but now it's just hindering our work.
I hear you. That must be tough.
Thank you for understanding.
And between us,
I am counting on you being in charge.
Excellent.
You're the alpha dog on this project.
Very good.
But shouldn't we tell everyone?
Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't be seen as playing favorites.
But what's important is that I know and you know.
Smart.
But not as smart as you.
Oh.
Which is why, uh, just between us,
I am counting on you to keep the train on the tracks.
Well, I appreciate the vote of confidence.
- And the sweet train metaphor. - Well, good.
You know, I just want you to be happy.
I guess in a way I'm kind of like the son you never had.
Sure.
Which is nice, because you're far too old
to have children now.
And you make me feel okay about that.
Wait.
$20 on pump four, please.
You got it.
Here you go.
What's this?
Promotion for the new lottery.
Every ten gallons, you get a free scratcher.
Oh, I don't believe in gambling.
Great, I'll take it.
Oh, I don't believe
you should be gambling, either.
So, you don't want it?
- No. - Then I'm scratching it.
Sorry. Not on my watch.
You can thank me in heaven.
What's this formula?
This wasn't here yesterday.
Dr. Linkletter added it after you left.
Was he trying to be funny?
He was giggling at your "feebleminded math."
His words.
He's trying to approximate
the cosmic background radiation by setting it
at one Rydberg over Z, and mymath is feebleminded?
What do you think you're doing?
I'm changing the estimate
to Robert Dicke's value of 45 kelvin.
I wasn't here the last time he went off his rocker.
Is this what it looked like?
I'm perfectly sane, and I'm telling you,
Dicke's estimate is the way to go.
And I'm telling you we need to use
one Rydberg over Z, and that is final.
Oh, is it, you albino beanpole?
Dr. Sturgis.
He impugned my mental stability.
Fair enough. Your insult stands.
Thank you. Beanpole.
Ooh.
Oh, man.
God, I swear I'll never ask
for anything again, just one more 500.
Thank you.
Melissa Cooper, what are you doing with that?
I found it.
Well, it is mine, and I threw it away for a reason.
It's mine now, and I might win 500 bucks.
Oh, no, you won't.
- I'll split it with you. - No.
Why are you being so lame?
Because money does not buy happiness.
Fresh Prince seems pretty happy.
It is not his money, it's his Uncle Phil's!
Half of that's mine. I prayed for it.
Go to your room.
You're wasting valuable time.
I'm not, you are.
Gentlemen, if we could please keep
this train on the tracks...
We'll be on track if we follow my plan,
so I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist.
Insist?
You're not the alpha dog around here.
I agree.
This may be hard for both of you
to hear, but President Hagemeyer put me in charge.
I know for a fact that isn't true,
because she put me in charge.
We may have a problem.
What can I say?
I tried something.
So you really thought
you could tell us we were all in charge
and we wouldn't figure it out?
Well, in my defense, I said to each of you,
"Let's keep this between us."
I'm a little disappointed that you broke my trust.
That is true. We're sorry.
Don't apologize for that. We were being manipulated.
You were the one who blabbed first.
That's because you kept slowing us down
with your outmoded ideas.
Gentlemen, if we could just follow my plan...
- No. - No.
Well, I hope that you're starting
to see the challenge I faced putting any of you in charge.
You're right, we're sorry.
- Stop that. - Sorry.
Well, we can't move forward
until a project leader is chosen.
He's right, I'll do it.
- You're a child. - You're a child.
Oh, you're all children.
Sorry. Sorry.
Well, who's it gonna be?
Gentlemen, I'm Dr. Carol Lee,
director of the new experimental cosmology center.
What makes you qualified to lead our project?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Well, I have a PhD in physics from Berkeley,
I worked at IBM's Watson Research Center
as lead of the materials research group,
and I raised three little boys,
which I understand
you've been acting like.
Sounds like she can handle it.
Dear Lord, please forgive me.
I shouldn't have finished that scratcher.
That was wrong.
But now that I have the money, my family could really use it.
I know. Gambling is a sin.
Although, I didn't buy the scratcher,
so is that even gambling?
Why is Missy saying we're rich?
I suggest we mount a radio telescope on the roof
so that we can get a good read
on the fluctuations in radiation.
Excellent.
We'll pick a small region of the sky and drill down.
Whoa, whoa, pump your brakes.
We need at least a 45-square-degree sector
of the sky in order to take any meaningful readings.
That's ridiculous. What we need to do is cut
a single linear section across the horizon.
No, if we don't focus, we won't get any useful data.
I suggest 20 arc minutes max.
The trick is to pick a good spot.
You want a trick? Go see David Copperfield.
How about I make youdisappear?
Do I need to separate you?
Or can we try to put our minds together
for the advancement of science?
The second one.
I know you're new here, ma'am, but this is our process.
They argue, I swoop in and save the day.
It may seem unorthodox to you, however...
The-the second one.
I'm gonna tell you right now, we can't keep it.
It's not a puppy, Mary, it's 500 bucks.
It is gambling.
Then why'd you buy the ticket?
I didn't buy it. They gave it to me at the gas station.
Okay, well, that sounds like a gift from God.
You don't want to make Him mad.
That is not how God works, George.
What if he wanted you to have it to give to the Church?
Well...
Well, uh, based on that, what if he wanted you to have it
- so we could buy stuff? - George.
All I'm saying is, we work hard, we're good people.
Maybe we deserve this.
I guess a dishwasher might be nice.
There you go. Get a dishwasher.
I don't know. I'll think about it.
What's to think about? Have some fun for once.
Ooh, we getting something fun with the money?
We're talking about a dishwasher.
When did your dreams die?
- When we had kids. - George.
I was carrying pulsers 75 feet up
a wet metal ladder
when there was an earthquake.
So, I am hanging on for dear life...
Ooh, we should set up several radio telescopes
on different rooftops in an array.
_
You speak Mandarin.
_
I heard my name. What are they saying?
I don't speak Mandarin. Just a little French.
Oh, really?
_
Ha!
_
Well, does anyone here speak Klingon?
_
- Dr. Lee? - Sheldon.
May I have a moment of your time?
Of course, come in.
Sit.
How can I help you?
I feel like my contributions aren't being taken seriously.
Oh, well, I'm sorry you feel that way,
but I'm listening to everyone's contributions.
But you're not taking any of mine.
No. But Drs. Linkletter and Sturgis
seem happy with the direction we're headed.
Well, I think it's because
you're using your feminine wiles.
And what exactly do you think that means?
I'm not sure, but you are wearing lip gloss
and seem to have good hygiene.
And if you're trying to use them on me, it's not going to work.
Sheldon, I assure you
that I'm just trying to do
what's best for the project.
Excellent, then you'll want to set up
several telescopes in an array.
I hear you, but... ghobe'.
Wait, that's "no" in Klingon. Do you speak Klingon?
I looked up that one word.
I had a feeling it would come in handy.
Ooh, look at the Ultra-Clean Two.
It's got five washing cycles.
I don't know, George, these are really expensive.
You won the money. Spend it.
Maybe we should just get a more affordable one.
Everything we do is affordable. Uh... splurge for once.
It's so extravagant.
You'd think we were talking about
buying a party boat.
It's a dishwasher, for crying out loud.
But the way we got the money, it just doesn't feel right.
So you're telling me you're never okay
with bending the rules once in a while?
That's not how being a Christian works.
Good to know.
What are you doing?
Oh, just helping you be a good Christian.
Dr. Lee had commandeered the project,
and Drs. Linkletter and Sturgis were okay with it.
Everyone was being mean, and I was out of my depth.
I needed advice on how to proceed.
Thankfully, I was mere feet away
from the person who had been mean to me
since she tried strangling me with her umbilical cord.
What?
So, this Dr. Lee is turning your friends against you?
Essentially.
Classic move.
Most girls you find crying in the school bathroom,
that was it.
What do I do?
Well, you're in a tough spot
'cause your personality is ugh.
There's enough people being mean to me right now.
Sorry.
Can you help me or not?
It's you against a bunch of college professors.
I don't think you can win this one.
Oh. Do any of them have pimples?
No.
Too bad, I've done a lot of damage with "pizza face."
He just took the ticket
and stormed off.
I don't know why he cares so much about a dishwasher.
Maybe it ain't about the dishwasher.
Well, what is it, then?
Mary, I love you, but sometimes it's kind of like
you're waging a war on fun.
Why? Because I have values?
Well, too bad because they're not going away.
Oh, and fun is down for the count.
500 bucks?
I guess drinks are on you.
Fine, but is that all you got from my story?
It's called lightening the mood, George.
Sorry.
But I do think you're overreacting.
Come on.
I... Would it kill her to loosen up once in a while?
Maybe that's just not who she is.
What if it is, just not with me?
Well, what does that mean?
The other night I drove by the church
and I saw Mary and that new youth pastor
just hanging out on the curb, laughing and smoking cigarettes.
Yeah? And?
Well, that's not enough?
Well, is smoking even a sin?
'Cause I still light up after a roll in the hay.
The point is, she's capable of being fun, just...
not with me.
It's not like I don't want to be fun,
but I feel like
I am the only one holding the family together.
Mary, can I point out that you weren't exactly like this
when y'all got married?
So? I'm not allowed to grow?
Apart? Okay.
What made you and your wife call it quits?
George, let me tell you something.
Getting divorced sucks.
- I know. - You don't.
If you think you're upset about a $500 scratcher,
try sitting home alone with half your money gone.
I thought you were gonna say something
about love and vows.
Half, George.
And it wasn't a lot when it was a whole.
I said I'd buy your drinks.
Well, thank you.
Wings wouldn't hurt, either.
My sister thought I was in
an unwinnable situation,
but I knew someone else who faced
a no-win scenario and prevailed: one James Tiberius Kirk.
The Kobayashi Maru was a simulation
designed to be unbeatable, but Kirk snuck in
and reprogrammed it so he could win.
All I needed to do was put my scanning coordinates
into Dr. Lee's radio telescope to prove I was correct.
It was time for my sneaky face.
Hey.
Hi.
This is yours.
And if you don't feel right spending it,
then you should do whatever you want with it.
Thank you.
You know, I've been thinking that
maybe it isn't
the end of the world if we spend it on something fun.
Really?
Yeah, something the family could enjoy.
Well...
we haven't been on vacation in a long time.
Oh...
Oh.
We could go to Houston, see the Ice Capades.
Let's keep thinking.
The next evening, I put my plan into action.
I was just like Captain Kirk,
if Captain Kirk had to bum a ride from his meemaw.
All I needed to do was get into Dr. Lee's office
and swap the coordinates.
Nothing could stop me.
Dang it.
Well, here's to male egos
and all the fun that comes with them.
You've had to deal with that a lot, huh?
The first month I was here, people kept assuming
I was the president's secretary.
Did you correct them?
No, I just told them that the president was too busy
to see them and then I cut their funding.
That must have felt good.
Ah, it was like taking off my bra at the end of a long day.
- Mm-hmm. - But I don't have to tell you.
Can you believe there were only three women in my major?
Oh, at least you had each other.
Those bitches? Pass.
What about the guys?
Either too scared to talk to me
or trying to talk me into being horizontal.
- Oh, yeah, I hear that. Mm-hmm. - Mm.
I've even had projects sabotaged just to make me look bad.
- You're kidding. - Nope.
Well, what did you do?
Well, eventually I realized,
I'm an experimental physicist.
I can build anything I want to protect my work.
And thanks to my kids,
I am very familiar with the movie Home Alone.
After a lot of apologizing, a little begging
and a note from my mother,
I was allowed to keep my role on the team.
When Captain Kirk faced the no-win scenario,
he didn't have blue and yellow snot for a week.
Ew.
Sounds like the ocean.
Oh, it is very relaxing.
Kind of makes
the rest of the kitchen look trashy.
Ooh, it has a temperature boost sensor.
What's that?
It makes sure the water is heated
to the correct temperature for ideal cleaning
- and drying results. - Ooh.
Where are you going?
You're gonna miss the rinse cycle.
I'm not missing anything.
Oh, it beeped. Look up "beep."
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