_
Hussey. You're a wife and mother.
You're scum, you're scum.
Slut!
Ah, you'll be judged. Judged on Earth.
_
I saw the crowds.
How was the reception?
Rapturous, what do you want?
You've played a spirited game but we both know
- you don't have the guts for this. - Do we really?
Margaret, I want to give you one last chance
because I'm an honourable man.
I'll go in there, talk to my QC and this will all be over.
There'll be no need for you to be confronted with...
the evidence.
Just nod your head.
Hadn't you better take your seat?
In the matter of Argyll versus Argyll
the court now calls Margaret, Duchess of Argyll.
*CREDITS*
_
I once saw you at the Cafe de Paris.
You were coming down the stairs all eyes were on you...
the famous Mrs Sweeney.
I won't be Mrs Sweeney for much longer.
Yes, I've heard that, you're divorcing him, desertion.
Man's a fool... if you were mine, I'd never let you out of my sight.
If you were mine.
- Captain Ian Campbell. - I know who you are.
What happened next?
I can't have just walked down the staircase.
Well, you descended the stairs and I was enchanted.
Utterly bewitched.
I said, "There's a girl I'm going to marry."
- Who did you say that to? - Janet, my wife.
I rather think it's why she divorced me, my first wife that is.
I wonder what reason your second will give.
Oh, she'll never divorce me, no matter how hard I try.
Well, you should try harder, put your...
back into it.
You have a delicious little stammer.
It's never been called that before.
You keep a diary?
Doesn't everyone?
Do you know what I think?
You should put a thick line through all those boring appointments
and write, "off to Scotland with Captain Campbell."
Should I?
You can join me while I take care of some family business.
I'll be a perfect gentleman.
In that case I'll stay at home.
Yvonne!
Margaret. Yvonne McPherson my wonderful assistant.
Woman's a bloody godsend.
- Where are they? - In the library.
I wouldn't come in if I were you.
Place is a play pit, cold as a morgue.
Take a look around the grounds and then we'll go for some dinner.
Let's see cousin Niall.
I've read so much about you.
Seen your photograph so often I feel I know you.
Do you?
Yvonne!
Christ I'm dreading this.
Hello, Niall.
Really quite incredibly hungry.
Well.
We could sell an island or maybe some land.
Do it then, but not Tobermory... Tobermory's off limits,
it's sacrosanct. Sell Tyree or some of the other land.
It still wouldn't be enough to cover
the cost of essential work needed to the castle.
We can't even start repairs while the Duke is still alive.
As he's so fiercely against anything he perceives as intrusion.
Well, he believes in fairies, perhaps it would help
if you wore little wings and carried a wand.
You said you would consider an income from the estate for me.
We discussed it and we agreed.
You're princes among men, how much?
£1,500 a year for the term of your life.
£1,500?
I'd earn more selling my arsehole on the Glasgow docks.
Well, if you don't want it.
Jesus wept, fine. I don't have a choice, do I?
When do I get it?
When you inherit the Duchy of Argyll.
Give all those pieces of paper to Mrs McPherson,
I don't have time for them.
I'm done.
What does this mean?
Forget not.
It's beautiful.
You didn't tell me it was so beautiful.
It's a pile.
Just needs love and attention.
She's just neglected.
_
Margaret, it's so good to see you.
You don't have to be here.
- We don't have to sign it together. - I made mistakes.
- It's not too late. - Charlie.
It is.
_
We'll always be friends.
Always.
Write to the children.
It's important that they know you love them.
You can never tell a child it's loved too much.
Bye, darling.
Charlie cried like a baby.
Poor thing.
He cried and he cried.
He said he could never love anyone the way he loved me.
We don't have to go you know,
we could just go for a girl's dinner somewhere.
Course we have to go.
Imagine the talk if I don't turn up.
There's already been talk.
Your jaunt the Highlands with rugged Captain Campbell,
that's curdling some milk.
Is it?
What do you know about him?
Terrible time with those bloody Nazis.
Locked up in one of their horrendous prisoner of war camps.
Men being operated on with no anaesthetic
to see how long they last, that sort of thing.
Christ, poor man.
He never said anything about that.
Well, it's not very erotic, is it?
You're not going to fall backwards onto a chaise longue
with tails of torture and starvation.
I don't know.
- Cheers, darling. - Come on, tell all.
- There's nothing to tell. - It's me.
I know it's you, there's nothing to tell.
Because he's married.
There are stories about Captain Ian Campbell, you know.
Not war stories, women stories.
Diana, darling, there's stories about me.
I liked him. I liked his castle.
Keep your powder dry, it's not his castle yet.
- Yet. Are they are out there? - Of course they are.
How much do you want to bet Maureen gets her penis out?
Not a penny. Maureen always gets her penis out.
Oh...
This way please!
This way.
Congratulations on your divorce.
Now you can grace us with your beauty again.
How we've missed you.
- Ah, hello. - Hello.
Oh, everyone hand-picked by moi to cheer you up.
What a wonderful hostess you are, Maureen,
you really do think of everything.
Canapes and cock. Is there anything else?
Well, hopefully a dessert.
I know what's going to get this party started.
Here we go.
I think we need another one, don't we?
Who is going to be the lucky person?
Freddie, come on darling.
All right, then.
Come on, Freddie.
I thought of you the other day.
Mm?
I took little Sheridan to London Zoo.
I arranged for him to have a tour with one of the keepers.
Boy's obsessed with animals.
Hmm, I like them myself.
We went to the monkey house.
My dear, those chimps with their ghastly pink bottoms, just hideous.
They don't know that, do they?
They probably think they look charming.
There were these other monkeys, apes,
bonobos, quite fascinating.
Everything they do is about sex.
They meet a new bonobo, they have sex with them.
Sticking it in and out, dear, hello, how do you do?
In and out, tossing each other off, fingering each other,
in and out, in and out nonstop.
It's how they make friends and I thought,
that's Margaret.
In and out, in and out, Margaret is a bonobo.
It's not my fault that you don't like it, Maureen,
and that you're not good at it.
I do like it.
I like it very much and I'm extremely good at it.
That's not my fault.
Bonobo apes sound perfectly precious,
I shall have to make a handsome donation to their welfare.
- Bonjour, ma capitaine. - Bonjour.
Oh, you're back.
I am, and I got you a present.
Lovely new mink for my lovely old wife.
Magnificent, what a picture you look.
Look at us, what fun we're having.
It's too hot for mink.
Well, it's bloody freezing in Scotland.
Following the death of Niall Diarmid Campbell,
Captain Ian Douglas Campbell has been announced as
the 11th Duke of Argyll.
Captain Campbell is a distant cousin of the tenth Duke
and inherits Inveraray Castle, where he will now take up residency,
attaining salvage rights to the Duchy de Florencia in Tobermory Bay.
- Yes. - Go ahead caller.
Yes, it's for the 11th Duke of Argyll at the House of Lords.
Congratulations, your grace, stop.
I'm feeling restless, stop.
Come and see me, stop. M, stop.
- That's it? - Yep.
The Duchy de Florencia, part of the Spanish Armada,
buried under four centuries of silt and seaweed.
Shipwreck full of jewels.
It's like finding the Eldorado.
You could almost touch it.
People have tried, previous Dukes.
No-one's managed it yet. Costs a bloody fortune.
Maybe you will.
Well, it would make it all seem more real.
I wasn't brought up here.
Don't know it, wasn't born to it.
I inherited it all from a distant, distant cousin...
not a father or even an uncle.
I'm only the Duke because there was no-one else.
It's only me.
Bit desperate, really.
I don't know.
It's going to rain. Better head back.
Let's go fast again.
I didn't know you were there.
Yes, you did.
Yes, I did.
I thought I'd rustle us up some tea.
Now?
What is it? What is it?
Nothing.
What?
No-one ever sees that.
30 stitches.
You're going to be the one to do it.
To raise a shipwreck.
We're going to do it all.
Yes?
Be my duchess.
We have to promise...
..that we will never ever bore one another.
I'll do and say many things.
None of them will be boring.
I believe you.
Then, yes.
I think it's time you met my father.
- Daddy! - Darling girl.
Ian, this is my father George William.
Daddy, this is Captain Ian Campbell the Duke of Argyll.
Oh, none of that antiquated nonsense... just Ian, please.
Nice to meet you, George.
The Argylls have salvage rights, Daddy.
Granted by King James the second.
Yes, and it's full of Spanish gold.
Oh, and a crown from the Pope.
Imagine the rocks in that... all just lying there waiting.
Raising it sounds a job... that's wild water.
Yes, the Royal Navy are sending their best men out for free.
But don't think I won't be checking those frogmen for doubloons, though.
Margaret's been telling me about Inveraray.
My daughter's fallen in love with your castle.
Well, George, my castle has fallen in love with her.
Hook, line and sinker.
Can't bear to be without her.
That's why I put that ring on her finger, statement of intent.
Right, you've made me go all pink.
I'm going to go and talk to Mummy,
leaving my two favourite men to talk.
Hello, Mummy.
Careful.
Yes, I can see it.
It's an Argyll family heirloom.
It looks like it came from Woolworths.
Well, it didn't.
I may be trapped in this chair but I still hear things.
He's a married man.
You're carrying on as if he isn't.
My daughter... an adulteress, a round heels.
The squalor of it.
It's not adultery if the marriage is unhappy, it doesn't count.
You should be ashamed of yourself he's got children, think of them.
I'm in love with him.
Your skin is looking dull.
No, it isn't.
And your jawline's looking... soft.
Getting a few wrinkles.
I'm not getting any wrinkles and there's nothing wrong with jawline.
I massage my creams in every night and do my exercises,
just like you taught me.
Why must you always...
..be like this, Mummy?
Could you not say something nice to me for a change?
I am so lonely.
I think your father has a mistress.
He goes out at night and leaves me on my own.
Tell him to stay here with me.
He'll listen to you.
Daddy needs company.
He doesn't have a mistress.
He'd never do that to me.
George, you're now a patron of Clan Campbell
and I'm humbled by your generosity.
I'm a Scot, a proud one.
It's every Scot's ancestral heritage
and I am honoured to play my part.
Also, one thing I've... I've let my London club memberships lapse,
you couldn't help me out at your place, could you?
I'd be happy to.
Thank you, Daddy.
You've made me so proud.
He did the same thing when we were married and now it's your turn.
But he does realise that I can see this,
that his sons will see this.
Their father... with her.
She was engaged to my brother for a while.
Engaged to just about everyone, as I understand it.
- Is it true about David Niven? - That's the rumour.
And Prince Aly Khan?
- Yes. - Good god.
I'm rather fond of her.
Janet, she's humiliating me.
He's humiliating you.
How can he do this? How is this fair?
Louise...
Mon cher, Oui-Oui, why carry on like this?
He's making it easy for you... divorce him.
Best thing I ever did.
Divorce him.
Ian always gets what he bloody wants.
And her, I suppose daddy's millions means that she gets what she wants.
"Dear Margaret, well, congratulations, you win."
Mummy, mummy.
"I hope you'll be gratified to know that every detail
"of Ian's public betrayal of me with you has been unbearably painful.
I'm not a very good tea maker, I'm afraid.
Welcome to Whites.
Honoured to have you as a member.
Thank you, George.
- A celebratory snifter, I think. - Hm!
One second.
Charlie Sweeney.
To the victor the spoils, eh?
"Perhaps if I didn't love my sons so much,
"I would fight harder, delay the inevitable...
"just to deprive you of your gloating triumph.
So much money out there just waiting for us.
Good luck!
- Don't come back until you've found our treasure! - Good luck.
"But I don't want to drag this out for them,
"so I'm letting you win and giving Ian his divorce.
"I hope my pain makes you happy.
"And I hope you never have to know the agony of having
"your private life laid bare for all to see.
"Of being paraded for the judgment of others,
"though knowing a little of your character,
"I imagine you would welcome the publicity.
"Sincerely, Louise."
Poor me. God the tedious old horse.
Although, I suppose what can you expect, really,
from someone who calls themselves wee-wee.
Oui-Oui.
A nickname only used by close friends
and you, my darling, are never going to be one of those.
Oh, she doesn't know what she's missing, does she?
I'm delightful.
Poor old wee-wee.
- Oui-Oui. - Yes, Diana darling, that's what I said, wee-wee.
Shall we have Jeanie in the middle, what do you think?
No, I think two girls together is a terrible idea.
Oh, right, your children behind you, mind behind me, one happy family.
Chest out, back straight.
No, you come closer, I think he needs to come.
Move Colin, right back, here, all right. And Jeanne you, you...
- Just there sweetheart. - Should... Shoulders back.
Everybody ready? It's not a funeral, you can smile.
- Are you going to hold my hand? - I suppose I should.
Everybody tense up.
Hello.
Thank you.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
- Welcome, your grace! - Thank you.
Shall we?
I'm going to carry you.
- What? - I'm going to carry you across the threshold.
Oh, no, Ian, please.
The Duke of Argyll will carry his Duchess into Inveraray Castle.
Come on, up you come.
Oh, my God! It's like carrying a piece of wood.
I'm sorry but I just... I don't like it.
I can't put you down, everybody's looking.
- Oh, no, you're going to drop me. - I'm not going to fucking drop you.
No, can you please put me down. Please?
Ian.
There you're down. Happy?
Thank you so much for that wonderful reception.
We'll have champagne and cake inside.
So, it's just to take this whole suite,
through that door and up to the second floor bathroom.
It's very delicate, so you might need some help.
Hello.
Now I'm all confused.
- Father. - Father.
Ian.
Colin. Other hand.
Look me in the eyes.
Mm, we're so happy that you're here.
Mwah. Such handsome boys!
We've got so much to show you.
- Mm. - Your rooms are all ready and we've got toast and cake
and my little doggie can't wait to make friends.
- Right, we'll I'm going for a walk. - What? They've only just got here.
I know. Give you a chance to get to know each other.
Better without me, I think.
- Where's my father? - Still on his walk.
Has he had an accident?
- He might've fallen. - No, of course not.
He knows the countryside around here.
Belongs to him.
He hasn't fallen anywhere.
He's just lost track of time.
Boys, I know how hard it is to share your daddy.
I used to hate sharing my daddy with anyone.
We don't call him daddy... we call him father.
Right.
When I was a little girl, I was rather lonely
and my daddy got me two puppies.
And they were such lovely company, always so cheerful.
Would you both like a puppy to be your friend while you're here?
What would happen when we weren't here?
Well, I'd look after it.
I love dogs.
And you could write it letters from school and I could read them out
and your little puppy would know exactly what you've been up to.
Dogs can't understand what you say, that's stupid.
It's just an idea.
We want to be excused.
Do you know, maybe I should send some men out to look for your daddy?
He's our father!
I heard there were two young gentlemen still awake.
Colin, you should be in bed. So should you, Ian.
They were waiting for you.
Ian was worried that you'd fallen down a mountain.
- Really? - No, I wasn't. You own all this countryside,
you never fall down anywhere.
Damn right.
Only cretins fall down mountains.
All right, come on bed.
Ian?
Ian, why have you locked the door?
Ian?
Come to bed.
_
Off you get, naughty boy. Off.
_
You said that the Navy were supplying the divers
for free because they were interested in the project.
But that says £6,000.
They're chisellers. Jackals.
The Royal Navy are not chisellers.
Well, then they're arseholes.
And what mink coat from Worth?
Oh, I bought that for Oui-Oui.
- Did you? - Mm-hm.
Well, you didn't buy it, Ian,
because they've issued a writ for £4,000 and...
..that's £10,000 altogether.
Why are you being such a fucking wife?
- Honestly. - I'm not...
..being...
- Oh, God. - ..a wife.
It's a lot of money, on top of everything else.
This is serious Ian, those are writs.
So, let them come for me,
I'll kill myself and that'll get rid of the problem.
Can't take a corpse to court.
For God's sake.
Look.
- I'll pay them both this time. - Mm.
But it's galling in the extreme to think that I'm paying
for Oui-Oui's mink.
I want to clear up this library.
- All these papers. - You do not touch those.
Those are my cousin Niall's papers, they're his work,
they're heirlooms.
Ian, it's rubbish.
You wouldn't know a serious academic work if it came up
and bit you on your fanny.
Those are an act of thought, of inquiry...
..creation, what have you ever created in your entire life?
Except you.
And who else exactly am I supposed to have created?
And I made two beautiful children.
Mm, marvellous job you've done there, they're completely spoiled.
How...
How d-d-d-d-d-dare I perhaps?
Here's a thought, Margaret.
Pay the b-b-b-b-bills.
It's what you're for.
Excuse me, your grace.
Thank you, Mr Casey.
Um, I'm a monster.
And a bastard.
And I'm sorry.
And I know I would be nothing without you.
Forgive me.
How many men did I marry?
Every morning, I wonder which Ian I'm going to wake up to.
Just trim those...
- Maureen. - Darling.
- How are you? - Very well.
Oh, every inch the Duchess, as if you'd been born to it.
What a triumph, darling! It's... it's all exquisite.
- You should be very proud. - Mm, I am.
I didn't know that people had started arriving yet.
Oh, well, we have.
Little old me and, uh, a special someone
I didn't think you were expecting.
Oui-Oui, how lovely to see you.
- Oui-Oui. - That's what I said.
Glorious mink, I think I bought it.
Oui-Oui.
You made it. Marvellous!
What do you think of the old place?
Can you picture yourself here?
Why don't you get yourself a glass of champagne
and have a poke around and then cast a beady eye
over the fixtures and fittings.
Well, she's looking rather good, isn't she?
What?
Did you invite her?
But, darling, Louise is the mother of my heir,
it needs her stamp of approval.
And you didn't consider that it might upset me
when I've put so much work into this day?
I didn't give you a second thought.
- Your grace. - Oh, no.
What did you mean, can she see herself here?
Oh, not now obviously.
Couldn't be under the same roof for more than a couple of hours,
but later, when I die, my son will be Duke.
It'll be up to him and it's traditional to have one's old mum
rattling around in one of the wings.
And what happens to me when you die?
Well, I imagine you'll be sad for a little bit
but then you'll marry some ghastly banker and off to Monaco you'll pop.
No, Ian, what happens to me in Inveraray?
The home that I've built, what happens?
Well, that will also be up to my son and he's very fond of his mother.
Does this mean I've got to make friends with her?
I think it might help, yes.
- Then that's what I'll do. - That's the spirit.
By the time I'm finished with her, she's going to adore me.
If she doesn't stab you in the neck while you sleep
I'd call that a triumph.
Oh, here they come. Shall we, your grace?
Margaret.
Don't push her in the lake or anything.
Of course I won't.
Promise.
Congratulations!
Speech!
- Speech! - Speech!
It's been one of the greatest privileges of my life
to restore Inveraray Castle to such magnificent grandeur.
An enduring legacy for my husband the Duke of Argyll and his heirs.
Yes, indeed!
"I love you so much.
"I am so happy my sons are yours, not Ian's.
"Your own, Louise."
*CREDITS*