_
OK. OK, listen up. No throwing up.
Don't have a better time than me,
and no smoking unless it's out the window.
Who else are we waiting for? Are we...?
- No, no, this, is it. - Yeah, we're having a proper thing next weekend,
you're the ones we thought wouldn't gel with the larger group.
Yeah, you're sort of the liabilities.
- Quite mean. - That is so rude.
No, not... In, like, in a fun way.
That is so...
Shit.
All aboard.
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Yeah!
Just, erm, just planning ahead,
- do you think that we're gonna have sex tonight? - No!
No.
Last time was a mistake.
And the five times before that were...?
Yeah, all mistakes, every one of them.
And also, can you stop counting? Also, it was three times.
- Three times, barely. - Right, well,
the next time a strong gust of wind blows you up to my apartment
and you accidentally have sex with me
can you please bring my phone charger back?
Yeah, I'll buy you a new one.
OK, listen up, we're almost at our first surprise activity.
Is it paintball?
So, no. We're... It's a surprise so don't try to guess.
Oh, my God, is it karaoke?
I love karaoke. I love it.
No!
Should we have done karaoke?
No. I think...
It's crazy golf.
The brochure said it's a lot of fun.
- All brochures say that. - Is that Tom?
Tom? It isn't, is it?
- Tom Kapoor. - Oh, my God. - It's Tommy.
- It is. - I can't believe he came.
- You invited him? - Yeah.
What is wrong with you?!
- I'm allowed to have friends. - All right, let's go,
the quicker we get this over with, the sooner we can get to karaoke.
I can't believe he's come.
Yeah, but you know we aren't doing karaoke, mate?
You coming? I can't wait to meet him.
In a minute, yeah.
- Hi. - Hi.
I didn't realise you were still in the country.
Steve didn't tell you I was coming, did he?
No... No, he didn't.
I should've...
- I don't have to stay, I can... - No, it's... No.
It's good to see you.
I'm sorry I haven't been in touch.
That's sort of what happens when you break up with someone.
You should stay, erm, it'll,
it'll obviously mean a lot to Steve, so...
You sure?
Hey, man.
Sorry, we don't have any more sashes, but you can just wear this one.
- OK. - Yeah, it's mine.
- Means you have to marry Sarah though. - No, she's all yours.
Yeah, I know, I'm just kidding.
Come on, it's gonna be real fun. It's crazy golf.
- You smell amazing. - It's just shower gel.
Ooh, perfect, I got us a card.
Why?
So we can play together.
- Is that how we're doing this? - I dunno.
- I don't think that's how we're doing it. - OK, everyone pair up.
And let's get ready for some fun. So...
I think I'm just gonna wing it.
- You can't just wing your vows. - Yeah, I can.
"I love you. You're about the right age. "We own a couch together."
Fuck's sake!
You don't deserve to be getting married.
Do you have portable karaoke machines?
Yeah. No, it's quite urgent.
Well, today. Yeah, would be great. Yeah, thank you.
Well, I wish I'd booked it too.
You sure you don't have any? Like out the back, for emergencies?
Karaoke emergencies.
Yeah. OK, look, my friend Tom Kapoor, the actor,
he really needs a karaoke machine, so if you could get...
- You were on the bus for a while. - Can you...
not talk during my backswing?
- What was that conversation about? - None of your business.
Hey, can you not start before I've finished? Come on.
OK.
Kind of weird he came, isn't it?
Yeah, I don't know.
Does he know about us?
Erm, us?
You know.
Don't, actually. No. I don't.
- I mean, two, I got two, so can you write two down, please? - Yeah.
- Nice one, dude. - Thanks, man.
- You don't... - That's all right, OK.
- Good to see you, bro. - Yeah, you too.
Yeah, and, er, man to man, I'm glad you're here.
- This Ben thing's got out of hand. - Right.
He's bad. Bad news. Bad, bad, bad news.
- Jessie's really not in a good place. - All right.
She misses you.
Yeah, I feel like the last time I listened to you
it kind of put me on the wrong track.
Obviously you miss her too. Why else would you be here?
Look, I'm...
I'm here for Steve.
Yeah, of course I need two microphones!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Really?
Just a bit intense, isn't it, coming here?
I mean, Steve's our friend, so...
How you going there, mate?
She's a delicate hole, this one but, I try my best.
There we go.
It's not a race.
- That's bad etiquette. - Wait, Jessie.
No. Balls!
What am I doing wrong?
I just wanna talk about what's going on between us.
Why do you keep saying us? What does that mean?
I don't know.
I just want to see where this thing might go.
We know where it goes, OK? I've been there, done that,
bought the T-shirt, I hate the fucking T-shirt.
No, you don't.
You love the T-shirt, it's a great T-shirt.
You wear the T-shirt to bed.
Walk.
They shouldn't allow kids in that place, man. I was like,
I'm sorry he's crying or something cos I...
We're trying to have fun, you know. It's a party.
- Is everybody having a good time? - Yeah.
- Tom? - Yeah, man.
What are you doing?
Sorry, I, I think it's just the motion of the bus.
Stop doing that.
Need some help there?
- Thanks. - These are tricky.
- What team are you on? - Pink.
Blue.
You know, you might want to watch out for me up there.
Why?
I'm pretty fucking good at laser tag.
Right. Wa...
Watch out for me out there cos I'm really fucking good as well, so...
Oh, my God!
- I'm on your team! - Oh, my God.
What am I supposed to think? Jesus.
Back up. Back up. Back up, we need back up.
Jessie, it's a massacre. Fall back. Fall back.
OK. Hey, cover me, cover me.
- Damn it, Sarah. - What? This is stupid.
- It's not stupid, you're stupid. - Well, where's my gun?
It's right there. Shit!
- Having fun, babe? - Yeah, love you.
I love you too!
- Jessie. - What?
No. Goddamn it!
Told you.
Fuck.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
I probably shouldn't have done that.
No, no, no, I was really... I was cool with it. What?
Sorry, can you just hang on for one sec? I'll just...
Ben? Ben.
- Yeah, I'll just... - Fricking stop.
Fricking stop.
Oi! Oi!
- Hey. Hey, stop! - What? I'm playing the game.
What do you want from me?
- I wanna be with you. - Bullshit!
- Why's that bullshit? - Cos it's so boring, can you hear yourself?
Do you really want to get back together? Have you really thought that through?
Yes.
I don't think you have because this is classic you, you always do this.
You love the idea of something and when you get it, you freak out.
Right? This is...
The reason why we broke up is because you were too scared
to be with me, so don't give me that shit.
Jessie...
I love you.
I love you too! I'll always love you,
that doesn't mean I like you or want to be with you.
You're a fucking arsehole, Ben.
Steve, no!
No. Read the room.
Sorry.
Look, I say this from the bottom of my heart,
this is never gonna happen, so just leave me alone, please.
Just joking anyways.
Fucking hell.
- I'm sorry for what happened back there. - No.
No, I shouldn't have done that.
Especially because I'm leaving.
I think it's just very confusing seeing you.
So, you're still going?
- Yeah. - Right.
I'm off next week.
Cool. Party in the USA.
You gonna bring me back some Twinkies or something?
Yeah, they might not be with you for a while.
They've got a lot of preservatives, so...
Probably a good thing we broke up, then, right?
Yeah.
Why did we break up?
I don't think you wanted to be in a relationship.
That's not true.
Right.
I wanted to be with you.
Yeah, you wanted to be with me,
but you didn't want to be in a relationship.
Isn't that the same thing?
I don't think so.
- I promise, I'm not trying to start something, that's not why I'm here. - No, no.
- I really do want us to be friends. - Me too. Me too. Yeah.
What the world needs now is friends, sweet friends.
Hey, give me that. Give me that.
OK, we need to get off the bus really quickly
cos we're running fucking late for our next thing, OK?
Sorry for killing the vibe.
OK. All right, listen up.
Girls in that boat with Sarah,
boys in this boat with me.
Do we have to be separated by gender? That seems like...
- I actually think we need a boy for weight distribution. - Yeah.
- Tom. - Tom, do you want to...? - I'll go with the girls.
Me, I'll go. I'll go.
All right, come on, we're paying by the hour, so chop-chop.
Tom, Tom, come on. Come on, Tom.
So, what did he actually say?
He said he was still going to America and that he wants to be friends.
- Bastard. - I can't believe this!
I know you're having a meltdown, but can it wait till tomorrow?
- Oh, my God, Sarah. - What? It's my birthday!
- It isn't even. - No, it's not, it's your hen do.
My wedding day. Hen do, whatever, it's about me.
And then you know what he said? He said that the reason why we broke up is because
I didn't want to be in a relationship.
Right.
I mean...
- Hey, what? What? - Well, that is truth.
No! No!
Well, it is kind of your thing.
Joe?
- Is that a swan? - Oh, my God,
- so this opinion is held by the entire boat, is it? - Yes.
- Definitely. - 100 percent, without a shadow of a doubt.
- That is you. - Yeah. - Yeah.
Very clearly you.
Oh, my God.
Does anyone want a go on the hat after me?
- Ever heard of "yes, please"? - Yeah.
I saw it on TV, and I thought, I need this for my stag.
- I've never drunk out of a hat before. - Really? It's great.
- So cool. - I don't think we've been introduced by the way. I'm Ben.
Tom.
OK, I think we should address the elephant in the room.
We're all huge fans of your work, Tom.
Yes.
- Thanks, Steve. - Yeah!
- I loved you in Full Tank of Money. - Yeah?
It was so good when you punched the dog.
- Yeah. That was awesome, man. - That was... I was like, yes!
- How long have you guys known this about me? - Literally since forever.
- What? Why did no-one tell me? - We say it all the time.
- You usually just sort of brush it off. - Whatever.
God, yeah, I just said it then, I just did it right then, that's exactly...
- Oh, my God! - Get a grip.
Right, you need to hear this.
You are the most amazing person that I've ever met in my entire life
and I love you.
But you are a piss poor girlfriend whose inability to commit
is pushing away the person you love!
Oh, my God.
I Ben'd Tom, didn't I?
Babe, I think you Ben'd Tom.
I have to talk to him. I have to talk to him right now.
- No, no, no. - Oh, God.
It's my hen do, if anyone's gonna talk to him, it's gonna be me.
- No, no, no! No, no! - ***
You're making me fall.
Are you OK?
- No. - I told you not to take such a big sip.
Hey, I know this is weird, but I hope there's no hard feelings between us, man.
I mean, Jessie and I aren't even really a thing.
- Right. - I mean, obviously, we've been sleeping together.
Cool.
You knew that?
No.
I just don't really care, Ben.
Cool. Me neither.
No, no. No, no, look, they're talking.
They're talking. Can anyone lip read?
I think Ben just said something about Liberace.
What if they're talking about me? What if they're talking about sex things to do with me and stuff?
Don't do anything rash, OK? You're drunk.
- I'm not that drunk, I'm the perfect level of drunk. - Then you have my blessing.
- OK. - I'm drunk.
God, can we turn around the boat? Let's turn the boat around.
- We've gotta go that way. - All right.
- Come on, do the rowing. - I'm going, I'm doing it now.
- She needs you to go faster. - I am going as fast as I can here.
Oh, my God. Have you seen this?
- Why is it raining now? - This is a sign.
Fuck your country!
- I think it's getting worse. - It's nice. It's so refreshing.
- I think it's helping my hiccups actually. - I don't think so.
- Oh, my God! - Please, please, please.
- This is a sign! - How is it raining now?
The boat needs to be stable.
No, no, just come back into the boat.
- No, don't, don't, don't. - It's fine!
- My God! - My God. Wait!
- What the fuck? - What are you doing?
I just wanted to have a chat.
- She's done it. I'm so happy. - Oh, my God, she can't swim.
What are you talking about? Of course I can swim.
- She can swim, she's just not a very confident swimmer. - Shut up.
We're gonna lose our deposit, the guy was very,
- very, very clear about it. - Somebody save her when she drowns.
Everyone just shut up, shut up! Shut up, everyone!
Shut up. Goddamn it.
Oh, God. Yep. I didn't think this through.
Hi. No. It's fine. It's fine, you don't have to...
No, no, no, no, no, don't, I just want... I'll do it from here.
Yeah, so I just want to say I'm sorry.
You came all the way over to say sorry?
Yeah.
- Was it that urgent? - Yeah.
Because...
Yeah, I'm...
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I'm a very, I'm a very difficult person.
I'm a very difficult person and it turns out I'm not very
good at being a girlfriend and...
I'm sorry if I made it feel like I didn't want to be with you,
cos I-I I did. I-I do.
I do want to be with you.
I love you.
Yeah, OK. That's funny, I love you.
But I do. I do and...
But I know that that's not enough when you,
you know, and I was scared of that and I kind of bailed
and I just sort of did things and I do things like
I don't think about what happens next,
clearly.
But, yeah, and I haven't changed.
I haven't had time to change
cos I just real... I sort of had that, you know, on the boat and I came over here,
but I now know what is wrong with me at least.
So, yeah.
And I know you're going and that's fine, and that's totally cool,
but I just wanted to, sort of, come over here and just say, in short,
I love you,
I'm sorry...
and I wish you all the best.
Are you done?
Yep.
That's me. So, I'm, yeah, I'm gonna go back, I'm just gonna go back there now.
Yeah. I'm just gonna head back.
- Great. - No, don't do that, please.
- Good, good. - Shut up.
Fuck. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom.
Tom, Tom, mate, Tom.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Go back, go back. I just...
I didn't mean for you to get in, I'm so sorry. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Seriously, it's fine, it's fine.
It's fine. Oh, no.
I love you too.
That's really cool, that's so cool.
- Should we get married? - No.
No, no, no, no, no, of course.
Out of the water, we're going to lose our deposit!
Oh, my God.
We're taking on water from the fountain, so as quick as you can, please.
He saw a dead duck!
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