- Are you going to apologise? - I've got nothing to apologise for.
- Are you kidding me? - You know that you're wrong,
- so why can't you just accept that? - OK.
Because you're fucking gaslighting me!
Wow, big words, you do know big words.
What is that supposed to mean?
- Qi is not a word! - Qi is a word.
- It's in the Merriman Webster dictionary. - It's Merriam!
- Merriam Webster! Whatever!
It's an alternate spelling that you use every time you have a Q
- instead of finding an honourable way to use it. - Fuck off!
- Sorry, are you guys...? - What?! - What?!
Are you guys playing the next one?
- Course, man. - Yeah, obviously.
- Good luck. - You too.
So good having you guys over.
- Right. - Hey, did you see what word I got? Gecko.
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OK, top five, top five.
Philadelphia Story. Vivacious Lady.
All That Heaven Allows.
Rock Hudson. So good. I mean, RIP.
They're all dead, but especially him because he was hot.
- Bringing Up Baby? - No, that one's shit, it's overrated.
Now, Voyager, so good.
- So good. - Bette Davis.
Yes. Paul Henreid!
So... Oh, so good, so good!
I love him.
- Brief Encounter. - Oh, my gosh, I love that bit at the end
- where the husband is like... "I know." - The husband... He knows.
- He knows, that she's been having an affair, - Yeah, yeah.
- but he's OK with it. It's good. - Yeah.
Why are there no men in this film club?
- Because men know nothing about film. - Oh, shush!
Margaret, it's true.
Name me one male director.
Have you found yourself a man yet?
OK.
Maybe. Well, maybe... Why can't it be a woman?
- Why does it have to be a man? - You don't have the guts.
- OK, that's fair. - Better hurry up.
You're, what, 22?
- I'm almost 29. - Oh, no!
Don't waste any time. You don't want to end up like us.
What, going to the movies in the daytime for a discounted price?
That's amazing. Of course I'd want that.
- Well... when you put it like that. - Yes. It is true. ***
It is nice, yeah.
What the hell are you doing?!
Shut up. Shut up.
Just finish the... Just carry on.
- Where are you...? - Carry on. Just stop looking at me.
I'll see you, I'll see you in there.
Sorry, card.
Thanks.
How long is it since we've seen each other?
Well, let's see.
I spent six weeks in Reno, then...
This is a staff-only area.
Sorry.
That's a cool projector.
Don't touch it. What are you doing?
Have you come to break my other arm?
That was all you. No.
Steve told me you lost your nannying job.
- Steve has a big mouth. - He does.
I just thought you might like to know we've got some part-time work going at the library.
You came all the way down here to tell me that?
No.
Here to see the movie, it's my favourite.
As if. This is my favourite.
- This is not your favourite movie, this is my favourite movie. - It's your favourite movie
- because I showed you the movie. And you went, - No, you did not.
"Oh, this is good, this is a good movie. Well done, Ben."
Yeah, well,
Thank you for the offer, but...
no, thank you.
I mean, it's cataloguing work. So, you know, we wouldn't see each other, really.
What is this?
What's what?
You need the money.
I don't want to be indebted to you.
I know how this works, I've seen The Godfather, OK?
It's 12 quid an hour.
It's 12 quid an hour?
Obscene, I know.
How do you know that I don't have another job already?
Because I know you.
I do need the work, so...
that'd be good.
Cool, cool, cool.
But this is all business.
- Business? - Yeah.
Strictly business, yeah.
- OK. Business. - Business. Yeah.
What are you doing?
Don't draw a dick, I want to do that one myself.
See you later, alligator.
In a while...
alligator.
Do you think I could have a girlfriend?
I'd prefer you not to.
OK.
Betty from film club thinks I'm straight.
What do you guys talk about at film club?
Old movies and stuff,
whoever's, like, getting a major operation done soon.
Marge is getting her hip done next month, which is cool.
I want to come.
I like watching old movies.
You think 2 Fast 2 Furious is an old movie.
Well, how old are the films you're watching?
Did I tell you, I think I got a new job today?
Oh, yeah? Where?
At the library. It's, it's like a few days here and there.
Nice.
How did you find that?
A friend works there.
Cool.
Yeah.
- Hello. - Hi.
Oh, no!
- Put your hands up. - My girlfriend's so aggressive.
No, not the face.
Put your hands up, he's got a beautiful face, got such a beautiful face.
What are you doing this weekend?
I've got to go have lunch with that guy.
Oh, that director?
Do you want me to come with you and give him a piece of my mind?
- Would you? - Yeah.
Well, it would help.
Sure.
I think I might paint the living room this weekend.
What colour?
I don't know, but I think I'm going to do a feature wall.
- Strong. - Like, four feature walls.
- I think that defeats the purpose. - Really?
I'm sorry I couldn't come over to your house,
I was too tired to schlep it over.
That's OK.
I like your bed. It's like a tiny mouse bed.
I am town mouse and you are country mouse.
Which is which again?
Town mouse is the one that goes to country mouse's house
and eats all the food but has a really good personality.
- Wow, you are town mouse. - I am town mouse.
We're supposed to do something for Valentine's Day.
We are doing something for Valentine's Day.
_
- Are you going to turn the lights off or what? - Yeah, I'll get it.
I'm getting it.
Tom?
Will you be my...
Valentine?
Let me think about it.
Yeah, I will.
The offer has expired.
That's a big stack.
So...
we need to get these on to here.
You need to make sure the barcode on the computer
- matches the labels on here. - Right.
- Have you got that? - Yeah.
Very lucky to have this job.
Don't I know it.
Benjamin's pulled a lot of strings to get you here.
- Has he? - Yes.
Great. Thank you, Benjamin.
"Benjamin".
628.
62...
An Introduction to Sand Art.
- Volume Three. I've been looking for this for ages. - Have you? Yeah.
God forbid this is lost to the annals of history.
What do you want?
What are you doing this afternoon?
Probably in a shame spiral about my life in general.
Well when you're done with that,
the nursery kids are coming round for story time.
If you were interested in helping me with that.
Yeah, I'm sort of swamped here, really.
- OK. - Yeah.
We've got a bubble machine.
Sorry, what was that?
We've got a bubble machine.
That the adults can use?
***
You're going for it, man! Going for it!
- Tom. - Sorry, am I late?
Am I late?
No, no, no, I was just really fucking hungry.
Here, take a seat. Do you want some lunch?
- Yeah, sure. - Get you some lunch, you want some lunch, yeah?
Here you are, just get whatever you want.
The Rigatoni Alfredo is divine.
OK.
How's... how's the film looking?
It's so good.
We did have to cut all your scenes, though.
What, really?
No!
Not really.
I'm kidding with you.
I wouldn't be allowed to, even if I wanted to.
Seriously, though, Tom.
You're phenomenal in it.
- Cheers. - Yeah, no, we're a good team, me and you,
which is why I wanted to link up with you, because I want to tell you about my next project.
It's completely different to this one,
proper budget, big cast, big story,
but at the core of it, it is character, character, character.
Right, sounds good.
What is it?
I'm not allowed to tell you.
You're not allowed to tell me?
No, no, I mean, legally, I mean, I'm not allowed to tell you, I'd be shot, bang!
I can't even tell my husband. He's livid. But...
I do want you for it.
But... I don't know what it is.
Yeah.
- So you can sort of see my predicament. - Yeah, I can see your predicament.
What I can tell you, it is filming for eight months in Atlanta.
That's a long time away.
Yeah. Well, it's just a few months away from the kids, innit?
- Be like a holiday. - I don't have any kids.
Well, then, who gives a fuck?
Tom, can I be honest with you?
Why not?
You have done some really shit films.
I think even you'd agree with that.
But I know what a talent you are because I've seen it,
and I just want to show the world what a star Tom Kapoor really is.
I think you do too.
I think maybe I agree with you.
Yeah.
- I just wish I knew what we were talking about. - Yeah, yeah.
Let's have a drink.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Let's have a drink. Drink, drink menu. - OK, yeah.
Come on. That's good stuff.
- It is fun, actually. - It's really fun.
I get it, finally, I do get it.
You keep on evading the question.
- No, I'm not. - Yeah, you do.
- No. - Yeah.
- What? - Have you even seen any of the films that he's been in?
Yes, I have.
- Right. - Some of them. Some of them.
They're the kind of films that we would have gone to as a joke.
No, no, you would have dragged me
to some boring-ass documentary about fonts
- or some shit. - Right, I get it.
That's what we would have seen.
How did you two even meet?
We met in a bar,
like cowboys.
So he goes to bars with normos like us?
Yes. He's very normal.
I bet he's down-to-earth as well.
How did you meet, um...?
- Anna. - Anna, yes, Anna.
Just... through friends.
It's a boring story.
I'd say, I thought it would never stop.
But you like her, right?
- I do. - Good. That's great.
Finally getting the hang of being a boyfriend.
To how many different girlfriends this time?
- Right, low blow. - Low blow?
- That's the low blow. - That's the low blow?
Interesting. OK.
- Sorry. - It's fine.
Genuinely, it's fine.
- I'm dating a frickin' movie star now. - Yeah, OK, all right.
But do you know what's happening here?
No.
Friends.
- Friendship. - Friendship?
- Yeah. - Fuck.
- I know. - Maybe.
Yeah.
- OK. - We're growing up.
Just a couple of friends with their beers.
We're entering our Big Chill era.
- Great movie. - Really good movie.
Honestly, Valentine's Day can piss off.
Those thorns absolutely shredded my hands.
Do you know what's just as romantic as a rose?
- What? - A gorgeous, soft tulip.
I'll be sure to spread the word.
- Thank you, that would do me a massive favour. - Yeah.
Where were you last night?
The library.
Closes at five.
Yeah, I'm... Yeah, I was just hanging out with Ben.
What? You were with Ben?
Yeah, he's the one that got me the job,
and he works at the...
- He works at the library. - Sorry, what?
Ich Ben der Bastard got you the job?
I forgot we called him that.
- I mean, does Tom know? - Know what?
That you're having an affair.
Oh, my God, I'm not having an affair, he's my friend!
- He's a friend?! - Yeah, we're friends.
But... have you seen The Big Chill?
- It's kind of like that. - Seems shady, my little lady.
Don't rhyme at me. It's fine, OK?
It's all above board, he genuinely is my friend. I'll tell Tom.
It's fine, it's all very grown-up.
Well, we are grown-up, so, fair enough.
For fuck's sake, I forgot to turn it on!
OK, I'll see you at home.
This is not the first time this has happened, though, so maybe learn from it.
Yeah, I know, that's why you need to spot me.
It's not my responsibility.
35 minutes of my life.
That's... Oh, my God, what are you doing?
Oh, God! Jesus...
Coming! Coming!
- Hi. - Hello.
Why are you wearing your bra?
I thought it would be good hospitality, I dunno, maybe I was wrong.
I am actually, quite, quite cold, so I will put it back on.
Yeah, sorry.
So, what do you think?
I kind of prefer the old colour.
Oh, come on, the old colour is dead to us.
This is the reason why I'm painting. It's gone, it's old news.
There's a new sheriff in town and its name is creamy tangeriney.
- Ew, that's a terrible name! - Yeah, really bad.
- Oh, how did that meeting go with that guy? - Yeah, it was OK.
It was interesting, I think he offered me a job.
Oh, cool. What for?
I'm actually not allowed to say.
Yeah, it's a pretty cool project, to be honest, but...
it'd be, like, a year in the States.
And...
director is kind of a nightmare, so probably won't do it.
Yeah.
He is a dick, so probably dodged a bullet.
Hey, what about this one?
- Yeah. - Yeah? Do you like it?
It's very you.
What does that mean?
I don't know, it's kind of kooky.
Kooky?
Yeah.
- So you think I'm kooky? - No, I don't think you're kooky.
Well, you said that the colour is very me and then...
you said it was kooky, so that means you must think I'm kooky.
It's just there are so many words to describe me.
OK, fine, well, what do you want me to say? I just think it's your vibe.
It's not the kind of thing I'd go for.
So the first word that came to your mind was kooky
- when you thought of a colour that looked like me? - I could say something else.
It doesn't have to be kooky, I mean...
- I think ti's... Quirky! - Why...? You're...
- Quirky?! - I just mean...
Quirky?!
I just mean it's very you. It's your taste, it's nice.
OK, well, yeah, it is my taste, it is nice.
So I guess that makes me a fucking kook.
I guess that makes me goddamn Helena Bonham Carter.
- God! - Are we having an actual argument?
Yeah. Because that pissed me off.
"Kooky"!
What?!
I can see you.
- Tom, hi! - Hey.
Where's Jessie?
I think we're having a fight.
Oh, God.
Well, I'm glad she finally told you.
And look, there's nothing to worry about, her and Ben are just friends.
I mean, she only took that job for the money.
So Ben works at the library?
No.
No. I don't...
I'm just going to go and fold this, laundry at the pub.
So, are you going to say sorry, so we can maybe kiss and have sex?
When's the last time you saw Ben?
Why?
Kate told me.
Were you ever going to mention that you applied for a job with your ex-boyfriend?
I didn't apply for a job, I just...
accepted a job. He had a job and I took it.
And you had to take it?
There was nothing else you could do?
- Sorry, is this a problem? - Yeah.
You lying to me is a problem.
OK, I... No, I didn't... I didn't lie to you.
He is my friend and he did give me the job.
If he was just your friend, you would have told me.
Do you still have feelings for Ben?
No.
Does he still have feelings for you?
No?
- Jesus! - No, no, I... No. Obviously not.
I... I'm not going to speak for him, but no, it's a...
And stop saying "feelings" so much, you sound so American.
I just don't understand why you'd go out of your way
to be friends with a guy who you claim to hate.
OK, sorry, are you telling me who I can and can't be friends with?
No, just maybe, maybe not your arsehole ex-boyfriend.
OK. I know this is going to sound childish,
but I have no other way of saying it.
You are not the boss of me.
I'm not trying to be the boss of you,
I'm trying to be in a relationship with you.
This is a relationship with me, right?
And I don't have to tell you everything.
Every relationship should have a healthy amount of secrets.
That's incredibly fucked up!
- I don't think I'm asking for a lot here. - I feel like you are, though, right?
Because you're asking me to change my entire personality.
No, I'm just asking that you consider me the tiniest bit.
Oh, my God, why?! Like...
That's so fucking selfish!
I can't believe I was going to turn down that job for you.
Well, don't let me stop you.
OK.
So that's it, then?
If you want it to be.
I think you were right.
It shouldn't be this hard to love someone.
It's hard to love me?
Yeah.
You know you can leave now.
What up?
Hi.
Are you OK?
Just... Yeah, sort of...
unravelling mentally, I think.
What...?
What happened?
We had a fight and, yeah,
we broke up, so...
Oh, mate.
- No, no, no. I'm just... - I'm so sorry.
It's fine.
It's fine. I just think he sort of...
he freaked out for no... Like, out of nowhere, and...
these aren't... these aren't sad tears,
these are cool... these are... these are angry tears, these are...
- Right, right. - I just don't really know what happened.
And...
He asked about you.
I'm not interested but tell him that I am flattered.
It's... No. It was about the job and...
I don't know, it was like he was jealous,
which is so stupid.
Look, he wasn't for you.
What does that mean?
He just... wasn't.
You know.
He's not like us.
He said I was hard to love.
What?
I don't know.
Maybe he's right.
No, no.
You... You are ridiculous...
and funny...
- and insane - Sure.
Yeah.
You know who you are.
You make me sound like a real kook.
Oh, you are a kook, obviously.
Fuck off.
But you're a lovable kook.
You pull it off.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
No!
So, yeah, he was right!
Yes, pretty on the money actually, yeah.
Fuck!
Fuuuuuuck!
No!
Goddamn it!
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