Jordan!
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What are you wearing?
I'm fully clothed.
You're supposed to tell the truth?
Well, I don't know.
- It would be weird to backtrack on that now, though. - OK. Well.
Then, I would like to...
take off that top.
And sort of just then, then just rip it off,
and see that big old chest.
Was that the end of that sentence?
I'm going to say I feel like I prefer having sex face-to-face,
it just feels like bringing words into it,
it just feels very sinister.
- Come on. - Fine, OK, fine, fine.
Further to my original point, then,
I would then like to take off my top.
- Nice. - And then I would
kiss your face.
I... My gosh, this is so weird,
I literally can't picture your face right now, that is so weird.
I've only been away for, like, two days.
I think it's just, you know what, I struggle with the language,
that's what I struggle with. Hang on, hang on.
- Give me a min. - What are you doing?
Going on thesaurus.com.
- That's actually quite a good idea. - OK. So,
I'm going to take off my top and show you
my unveiled bosom.
- That's not great. - Weirdly that sort of gets me going.
Hang on, I think someone's calling me. That's my food.
I'll call you back, hang on, I'll put you on hold.
Hi, I'll just be right down.
- Jessie? - Hello.
Hi.
Bibimbap?
It's Ben.
Hi.
Is everything OK?
I didn't have your number saved...
Sorry for calling.
Nan died this morning.
Yeah, so...
I'm so... Fuck, I'm sorry. Sorry.
Just thought you'd want to know.
The funeral is on Monday
and you totally don't have to come
but the family would love to see you.
That wouldn't be weird if I came?
No, not at all,
unless you thought it would be weird.
Steve's going to be there.
Yeah, OK, yeah, I'll... Yeah.
OK?
Thanks for answering, Jessie.
No, of course. Yeah.
- Bye. - Bye.
Hi.
Hope you're ready to receive my hardened monument.
God.
I know, I was pretty excited about that one.
No, I'm sorry, that was, that was Ben on the phone.
- As in "Ben" Ben? - Yeah.
His nan just died so...
Shit.
- You OK? - No, I'm, I'm fine, no, no, no, yeah, it's just I'm...
I think my food is going to be here soon though so I,
can I... Shall I call you tomorrow?
Yeah, that's fine, I should probably go run my lines.
OK, I'll... I'll call, I'll call you then.
- Bye. - Bye.
Yeah? What do you think?
What do...
- Should I wear a beret? I don't... - I do not support this.
I'm not going for Ben, OK? I'm going for his nan.
She was great. He sucks.
Look, he is a ghost from your past.
Ghosts from the past are supposed to visit you,
not the other way around.
God! You freak me out the way you react to that
- so just chill out, OK. - Jesus.
It's fine. I'm going to go in, I'm going to get out,
it'll be fine. I will avoid him at all costs,
- I literally won't even stay for long. - Good. Fuck that guy.
My God, these tights, they shrunk in the wash.
- Well, go and change them. - I can't.
They're going to be dropping down all day. You will regret it.
- Saggy tights, man. - No, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
- Hang on. - What? What?
Thank you.
- Have a good day. Kind of. - I will. Bye.
Love you, bye.
Right, very nice, very nice. Sorry, Jonathan.
Very nice. All right, can I have all my cast gather round?
Jonathan, go down there, please, mate.
I just want to have a little chat with everyone
about what is, what's going to be happening.
Tom, when you're ready, please, mate.
So, all right, yeah, so I hope you all had a lovely weekend.
I'm sorry I couldn't be there on Friday,
but I hope you all had a pint in my absence.
God knows you fucking deserved it, my God.
But finally, finally, we have the big man himself,
our leading man, Mr Tom Kapoor.
Hey, guys.
Yeah, all right, not too much, don't give him a big head.
Do you want to make a speech, Tom?
Don't let any of these bastards put you off. Mike...
I am looking at you.
Go on.
Just want to say thanks for having me.
Can't wait to get to know everyone, and...
yeah, hope we have a really fun time...
telling this violent, violent story.
That's really nicely put, mate. Well done.
All right, shall we go back? Jonathan, back there.
What were you saying? Right, yeah, cool.
Babe.
Babe, which tie? Which one?
Why did you bring so many ties?
Cos I didn't know what sort of funeral it was going to be.
Like, a sad one or like a "Hey, they lived a full life, let's celebrate," kind of thing.
How long is a funeral?
I don't know, it depends on how sad people are.
God, it's a shame Tom couldn't come.
Not really, that'd be weird.
- Did you tell him how sad we were that we couldn't make - Don't...
- his New Year's party? - This is pathetic.
Just because if he's having another party I wouldn't want him to think
- that we wouldn't come cos we totally would. - Do you want to marry Tom?
Cos I can give you this ring back.
No, I want to marry you.
What do you want the tie to say?
I'm sorry for your loss,
and I can only stay for an hour max.
- Blue. - Yeah.
Don't sit at the front, that's for families...
and mistresses. Just sit there.
God, even the back of his head makes me angry.
Sorry.
What?
This, this... This isn't Ben's nan.
- Yes, it is. - Well, it's not the one I like.
That one had it in for me.
- Where's the body? - My God.
He's catfished me with a dead grandmother.
I'm sorry, my... OK.
My voice is naturally resonant so I will...
- OK, sorry, sorry, that, that was on me. - Turn it off.
I'm trying, I'm trying.
Sorry. Sorry.
Hey, you've reached Jessie's phone,
I don't check these messages so please don't leave one.
Hey, it's me.
You're probably at the funeral now. Sorry.
Hope it's going well.
I mean, for a funeral.
I don't... Shit, I've got to go.
- Hello, buddy, you all right? - Yeah. How you doing, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, good. Listen, I don't want to be the one
to tell the star what to do but we have actually established
- a zero-screen policy on set. - OK.
- It's just so we all stay a bit more connected, you know? - Yeah.
Yeah. Better get rid of that then.
- No, I need this. - Right.
Listen, I want to talk about this scene. All right?
Now this, this is an important scene this next one, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, definitely, I mean, it's all there in the script.
Thank you so much.
So, obviously we've just had that sequence with your best friend,
who got shot in the face point-blank but survived.
- Awful stuff. Shocking. So, remember to drive that all through. - Yeah, absolutely.
And I know this is a lot for your first scene,
I'm sure you're probably used to a lot more time but...
- No, no, no, I'm ready. - Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, let's do it. - That's what I fucking love to hear.
- Great. I'm happy. - Yeah?
Go on, then, fuck off.
Now, who's got my little chair?
Where's my little chair? Oi, Mike! He's got my fuckin' chair, ain't he?
- Get me a chair now, please. - Does anyone have eyes on Dave's chair?
May I have a cup of tea, please?
Yeah, you know what, have this one.
Thank you.
Milk and one sugar.
No, I'm not the...
- One sugar. - That's what I said.
Hi.
Hi. Sorry.
- You stocking up for winter? - No.
- Should leave you be. - No, that's right.
Well, right, great.
- Great spread. - Thanks.
And thanks for coming.
Thanks for having me.
Yeah, my pleasure.
I didn't know you owned anything black.
No, this is.... I don't, this is from a Halloween costume.
- I thought I recognised it. - Yeah. Yeah.
You know,
I thought it was Nana Cheryl that died.
- Really? - Yeah.
No, she's doing great.
- She's just started salsa classes. - That's great, cool.
I feel like you could've been more clear about that on the phone.
Well, I'm so sorry that the wrong nana died for you.
No, I didn't, I didn't mean it like... I didn't mean that,
- mean it like that. - I'm really glad that you came.
- Shall we hug or...? - I'm, I mean, yeah, sorry...
Sorry.
- Lot of food there. - Yeah.
I might just put some of this down.
Have you got... Yeah.
Yeah, I've got it.
- Cut. - Cut there.
Come on!
Sorry, I've just...
- I'm not clear on what it is you want. - No, no, honestly, we are really close.
Jonathan, that was excellent, mate.
Mate, I'm not trying to be difficult
but I feel like we got something three takes ago.
No, what I have got is an actor acting.
- OK, and that's not what you want? - No, no, no, ma-ma-ma-mate.
All right. You've got this. OK?
I've seen it. I just need you to really go there.
I feel like I am going there, I just want to know specifically what you want.
Just fucking go for it.
- Just, just go for it, yeah? Just go again. Just go over and over. - Stop fucking crying about it, you big baby.
Can you do that for me? Just one more, one more, that's all I want, one more.
Just fucking one more.
OK.
Hey, you've reached Jessie's phone, I don't check these messages...
- Come on... - so please don't leave one.
Hey, it's me again.
I don't know why I'm leaving you another message but...
I'm having a pretty terrible day so far.
Yeah.
I think the director's gaslighting me.
Either that or he thinks I'm an awful actor, so...
Did I use gaslighting right? I don't know.
Anyway, how are you? How's the funeral?
You and Ben back together again?
Sorry, that was a joke, obviously.
I know that you and Ben aren't getting back together....
Have fun.
Yeah?
- Tom? - Hey.
Can I get you into make up?
Yeah.
- Thanks, Tom. - Thank you.
- Michelle. - Yes. I remembered.
Top marks.
- Can I get you anything? - No, you're good.
Hey,
I wasn't being a diva on set, was I?
No. I've seen worse.
If it helps, I think the director's marriage is on the rocks.
That really does help, yeah.
- Don't get me fired for saying that. - Yeah, don't worry.
I'll see you after work.
I think someone's taking me back to the hotel.
Yeah, that someone's me.
- OK. - Did you think I was hitting on you?
- No, I... - You did.
You thought I was hitting on you.
- How are the parents? - They're good.
They're not that annoyed that I stayed in London
so that's kind of insulting.
- Does your dad still collect driftwood? - Yeah, yeah.
He makes sculptures out of them now.
God, sorry, that's awful.
Yeah.
So, why did you stay?
No comment.
Do I know him?
No, you don't know him.
You know like five people.
Oof, he's older than I thought, but I'm happy for you.
His mind is still so sharp, though, you know?
That's why I love him.
Great party, man.
OK. Are you coming back to Mum's?
No, we have to be back in London. It's our anniversary.
God, is it? That's why we have that booking?
Yeah, cos that's why I gave you the card this morning and...
- You in? - I thought you were just giving me a nice card,
I mean, you're more than welcome to.
The family would love to see you.
They're still upset that they lost you in the divorce.
- Unless you... - *** remind me...
Are you coming?
I might stick around, yeah. I'll catch a later train.
OK. Well, we better make a move. See you, man.
- See you. - Yeah, sorry for your loss, gone too soon.
- I thought our anniversary was in August. - No, that's my birthday.
But then why did I buy you a present?
- It's true, it's true. - No way.
And because he's still mic'd up, the whole crew
can just hear him sobbing in the bathroom.
No. That's unbelievable.
Well, here we are, Mr Kapoor.
Be sure to give me five stars, won't you?
Can I ask you a potentially weird question?
Intriguing. Sure.
Would you go to your ex's nan's funeral?
Only if I wanted to fuck them.
OK.
Right, well, have a good night
and thanks for the lift.
Unless you want to grab a drink?
I know for a fact your hotel bar serves a deliciously lukewarm pint.
I should probably take a look at the scripts,
these lines aren't going to butcher themselves.
This is me hitting on you, by the way.
I'm flattered but I have a girlfriend.
Classic diva behaviour.
- I'll see you tomorrow. - OK.
Yeah.
All right, are you ready?
- Yes, I'm ready. - OK.
- Are you really ready? - Yeah, yeah.
Right.
- Good morning, Ben. - Good morning.
It's so nice...
How was that?
- It was terrible. - What?!
You could... you could see that you were scared to land.
What? Fuck off. That was not...
You don't even know what this game is. I invented this game,
you don't know what's good about it.
- You invented it, but I perfected it. - As if.
- It's my turn. - Fine.
God.
Your mum needs to get rid of some of your shit.
It's weird that she likes you this much.
Ready?
Hang on.
Good morning, it's a lovely day for it.
Lovely, lovely. How was your sleep?
Very wonderful, thank you so much.
I just need coffee, I'm a little sort of....
No! Disqualified. Disqualified instantly.
What? Why? It was a perfect landing.
Yeah, but you were laughing on the way down.
- Immediate disqualification. - Give me a break, my nan's just died.
Whatever. She was old.
Calling it like I see it.
I got your letter, by the way.
What, what letter?
I don't know what letter you're talking about.
The letter you sent at Christmas.
It said some pretty harsh things in it.
- I don't... I have no... I just don't even know what you're talking about right now. - Jessie.
- It was on your stationery. - I had my identity stolen.
Yeah. And my stationery.
Both, same, double whammy. It was horrible.
No.
Well, I'm glad that you sent it.
We never really talked about all that stuff.
We never talked about it, I talked about it to a lot of different people,
really sullied your reputation, so...
I probably deserve that.
But... I've missed you.
A lot.
It's my turn, my turn.
OK.
I'm going to run up on this one, all right?
No!
Mum! Are you OK?
- Are you OK? - No! No, I'm not OK!
Good evening.
- Hi. - Hello, sir.
- Can I please get a Caesar salad? - Yes, of course.
- No dressing. - No dressing, got it.
- Thanks. - No problem at all.
- But I really want the dressing. - So, was that a yes for the dressing?
No, no, sorry, no dressing.
Yeah.
- Hey. - Hi!
Sorry I missed your call. I just got home.
I got your voicemail.
Yes, it was more of a prank call.
Right, it was cracker.
The director sounds like a dick. Sorry.
Yeah, he's kind of the worst.
I hope you're not actually worried about Ben
cos he's not, he's not even a friend. He's just a...
Yeah, not going to be seeing him again, he's nothing but trouble.
- Yeah, that's... It's no big deal. - Yeah, no.
How was the funeral?
Bad.
Pretty bad.
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