So what do you think?
I think they changed the bread here.
No, about Ian moving in.
It sounds great.
Are you sure?
Cos, well, it's a big step and, well, I don't want to seem like...
My dentist sent me a Christmas card?
I didn't even know I had a dentist.
You are being hysterical.
Are you OK with it or not?
- Yes, I am fine with it. Are you, though? - OK. Yeah.
Yeah, you know what, I am, because these things happen, don't they?
People fall in love and then they move in with each other.
Not always. Sometimes people live very separate lives.
Sometimes they live in the same lake house
but actually live several years apart.
It happens, you know.
Why aren't you going to Tom's for Christmas?
Been going out for two weeks, why would I go to Tom's for Christmas?
Because he asked you.
Yeah, but he was just being polite, you know.
And in return, I was being polite by saying no.
We all got what we wanted.
You're going to miss him.
Well, obviously I'm going to miss him but, you know,
just meeting the parents, it's intense. I don't...
What's this? This... This is your handwriting.
- What are you doing? - No, no, no. No, do not read this.
- Why did you send me a letter? - No, no, no, no, my God..
OK.
So I may have sent a few letters
to people when I thought I was leaving the country forever.
And what sort of emotional space were you in at the time?
Not a great one.
Oh, my God.
- Let me read that. Please. - No, no, Kate, you can't.
Oh, my gosh, this is so embarrassing.
I told so many people I love them
and now I have to see them again.
This is a disaster.
You didn't send one to Ben, did you?
Yes.
You messy bitch.
You know what? He deserved it.
He totally deserved it and I stand by everything I said.
What did you say?
- I don't remember. - Right.
Well, no, I mean probably along the lines of,
"I hate you, you ruined my life,
"I never want to see you again," your classic hits.
You know I once had a dream where I killed him.
But then he turned into Tim Curry.
I woke up with this, like, deep guilt.
Well, rightly so. Tim Curry is a national treasure.
You sure you don't want to come?
I don't like the idea of you wandering around
the flat like a Christmas ghost.
I'll be fine.
- You have a good Christmas. - Thank you.
- Send my love to your family. - I will.
- No, no, no. - Please!
I knew that hug was fake.
I knew it, I could feel it. Your heart wasn't in it.
- It's wrong of you to withhold that. - Disgusting.
- You've written it. You've sent it. It's mine. - You'll never read this.
- Have a good Christmas. - Have a good Christmas, you filthy bitch.
Bye.
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Yeah, what do you think? There?
No.
- Why not? - You don't need to.
But you've got such white teeth and I'm naturally competitive.
I like your disgusting brown teeth.
I got you a present.
- Why? - For Christmas.
Are they doing that again this year?
Thank you, that's so...
- that's so nice. - You're welcome.
Well, I also got you a present.
- Yeah? - I did, yeah.
Just a minute.
See here, I got you...
these mints for all those kissing scenes that you do
in your movies and stuff.
Also got you this pen.
This, from a bank that I no longer bank with.
- I've always wanted one of these. - What else?
I got you a collection receipt from Argos,
so you can use the pen to write down
all your thoughts and feelings on something. There.
You're welcome.
- You're very bad at gifts. - It's the thought that counts.
I don't think you're the one who's supposed to say that.
Yeah, fair enough.
Right, I guess I'll see you when I'm back.
- Yeah. - OK.
- I'll see you after Christmas. So... - Yeah.
Yeah.
And, Merry Christmas.
Yeah, well, and to you and yours.
Sorry, I need to do that cos that was a terrible...
- Bye. - Bye.
What are you doing?
I'm, it's if there are any Daily Mail photographers,
I want to make it look like we're having an argument.
OK.
Well, this is a hot scoop, I'm going to send these in myself.
Why?! God damn it.
- Really feel the anger. - No!
- You are worryingly convincing in this. - Why?!
Why?!
- Bye. - Bye.
It's just so romantic.
What is?
You stayed for Tom. Perfect.
I didn't... didn't stay for anyone.
You quit your job, you moved out of your flat.
Did you get a letter from me?
No.
Well, if you do, can you promise you will destroy it?
Why?
I may've dropped some home truths
that you're not ready to hear.
Well, I'm glad you're back.
I, can't believe it's happened for both of us.
What?
I have a girlfriend now.
- For real? - Yes.
Well, what, so you've... you've said that you're boyfriend-girlfriend?
Yes.
Yeah, it's happened pretty fast, hasn't it?
Well, that's sort of what happens when people fall in love.
Why does everyone keep saying that today? It feels very Truman Show-y.
- Great film. - Yeah, OK, but,
sorry, I know nothing about this person.
What are...? You know, what does she do?
How tall is she? What are her prospects?
Yeah, she works for this non-profit...
And so did you ask her to be your girlfriend, or did she ask you?
I can't remember actually. Yeah, just sort of happened.
Yeah, cool. Very go with the flow, I love it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess it is.
- We make each other very happy. - Yeah. So, when can I start back?
Where?
Here.
I'm sorry,
you can't.
What? So, hang on, wait, what are you talking about?
The position's been filled.
- Joe, get rid. - I just hired her.
- Come on, it's a doggy dog world. - Dog EAT dog.
Dog eat dog, yes, whatever.
Maybe you should branch out.
Do you really want to work here for the rest of your life?
Yeah, that'd be sick. Ideally, yes.
Well, I can't, OK? She's really nice.
- Plus, she's a single mum. - Well, just offer her some vouchers.
- No. - Fine, no vouchers.
- I'm not firing her. - Joe!
- You can split the shifts. - I need the hours, man.
We need to train up another projectionist anyway.
What has gotten into you?
This is my decision as general manager and that's final.
So maybe I'm not as meek as you say I am.
You did read the letter. You read it.
I am not meek.
I'm not a meek man.
Hoisted by my own petard.
Hello?
Hi, Mum.
Hello, sweetheart.
I take it your other favourite son hasn't arrived yet?
Whichever one arrives first is my favourite son.
Where's Dad?
Yeah?
"Pursues like a ghost."
Hey, Dad.
OK.
You haven't met Julian Assange, have you?
No, Dad.
Well, keep it that way.
That man is nothing but trouble.
Is he editing Wikipedia articles again?
- Yeah, why is he...? - Don't ask me.
I'm only affiliated with that man through marriage.
Are you hungry?
Yes.
Then you should probably start cooking dinner.
- Parents, I have arrived! - God, here we go.
- Hello, Mother. - My favourite son.
I thought you said I was your favourite son.
Yeah, actually, my favourite son's the one who brings wine.
Where's your class, little bro?
- Can't even spring a bottle of red for your own mum? - OK, come on.
Is that Vinay?
How do you spell a hashtag?
It's lovely to have you home, honey.
Even if you did come empty-handed...
with no girlfriend.
- Steve. - Who is it?
It's Jessie.
No, thank you.
- Hi. - Hi.
Go away.
You have to go.
- Stop being stupid. - No, no, no, really.
Where is your hospitality?
One of your best friends in the world decides to stay in the country.
You were supposed to take back presents for my family.
I promise I will do that. I will do that eventually.
- Can you let me check your mail? - No, no, don't.
Look, it's Christmas Eve, do you not have anywhere else you need to be?
No. Stop being weird, let me check your mail.
Please, please, please, I'm begging you.
What is going on here? What are you...? Are you safe?
Yes, stop. I'm fine.
Everything's fine. I just really need you to go.
- What are you...? - No. No...
Fuck.
_
She's going to love that.
That's great.
That's... There you go....
I'm so sorry. Sorry.
Goddamn it.
- Pudding's from scratch. Just let it go. - It's fine.
Next year I'm ordering takeaway.
You lot don't even eat half the food.
So, Tom... the new film looks crap.
- Vinay! - Have you seen it yet?
No.
But me and the aunties are thinking of going next week.
Please don't take the aunties to see that movie.
What film are we talking about?
- Song of Olympus. - SIEGE on Olympus.
Siege on Olympus, yes.
That's out soon, is it?
I just think you should try and be in better films.
Mum's given you a white first name, use it better.
I'll have you know that Tom is named after a great man
we knew a very long time ago.
- Tom who? - Tom.
Tom...
- Tom who? - You're kidding me.
Completely blanked on his last name.
Do you know who I miss tonight?
Liv.
Maybe you should get back together with Liv.
- Have you spoken to Olivia lately? - No. We broke up a year ago.
- I still text her. - Mum!
What? I always put in a good word for you.
- Can you please stop doing that? - Why? She's nice.
I'm seeing someone new, actually.
Excuse me.
Yeah, of course, but she actually goes to another school
so we're just never going to get to see her. Am I right?
No. Her name's Jessie.
- She's not an actress, is she? - You have a cousin called Jessie.
- Let's see a picture then. - No, she's not my cousin.
Why not? I mean, is she old?
Because I would actually respect that.
- Are you this much of a dick to everyone? - No, I save it up for you.
Yeah, I'm nice to my patients, so I kind of need an outlet.
Come on, let's see her.
- Let's see her. - OK, fine!
but I don't have a lot of pictures of her and she's doing, like, a joke thing in this one.
OK, so she's funny. Is she not hot?
Shut up.
There she is.
She looks very...
- smart. - Is that the best picture you had?
And she's in the film with you?
God, she's got to be really funny.
No, she's not in the film, Dad.
He fucking Alan Rickman'd me.
Oh, my God.
He should be taken back to the US.
- We don't want him here. - Enough...
Enough about Julian Assange, please.
- Does this tree smell off to you? - Have you watered it?
- Tom? - Yeah?
Tom, what are you doing? Does this tree smell off to you?
- What are you talking about? - Did you get this from the market?
Merry Christmas.
God.
Any objections?
No?
Want a red?
? My dog has flea
? Flea, flea, fleas... ?
What is that?
OK, guys...
Oh, God.
Help... Help. OK.
Nan... Nan your camera's around the wrong way.
- 'You're the other side too. - It's around the wrong way.
It's around the wrong way.
I just want to see your... See YOU.
- 'It's just the barbecue out here. - No, it's still the concrete.
- 'Christmas Day or whatever. - Still the concrete.
- 'The gazebo, we've set up a gazebo.' - Still concrete, Nan.
Are they there? Say hi. Tell them I say hi.
- 'Got to go, darling. - Yep.
- I'll ring you back. I can't... - No, no, you have to go. Yeah. Me too. I've got to...
- 'Catch you later. - OK.
- All right. Love you. - 'Love you.'
Bye.
_
Hey, Tom, old...
Tombola,
old...
Nope.
Hi, merry Christmas.
I think I hate Christmas.
No, I... I dunno, I dunno.
But I, yeah, it kind of sucks I can't see you today,
which I know is... is mainly, my own fault but, yeah.
I think...
I miss you.
Just gross, it's very gross to say it but...
Yeah. I wish... I wish
you were here or
I was where you are,
but, yeah, whatever.
I dunno.
Catch you later.
Oh, my God.
Sorry, also I forgot to mention,
I have been kidnapped and they want you
to deposit £50,000 into their account by tomorrow
and I probably should've led with that.
So...
bye.
OK, wait, so just connect it and then...
Yeah?
It's very bass-y.
You said your old one wasn't bass-y enough.
This is too much bass.
Nobody needs this much bass.
All right, I'm off,
these kids aren't going to cut themselves open.
Don't be so disgusting.
Promised this kid in my ward that you'd give him a signed picture.
Yeah, fine.
Well, where are they?
I don't just have one on me.
Well, come on, then.
You know, you should do a TV show.
I mean, all the good actors are doing TV shows now, right?
I'm doing another movie, actually.
Wow. Well, I hope it is good.
Been getting a lot of flak at work about that one, actually.
Didn't realise paediatric surgeons were such cinephiles.
Man, they are, and they are fucking ruthless.
To Caleb.
"To Caleb.
- "Doctor Kapoor wet the bed..." - Hey. Tom... Tom.
- "till he was 16." - All right. Thanks.
There you go.
Yeah, you know what, I'm actually not embarrassed about that
and understanding why that happened is actually what pushed me into medicine, so...
'Catch you later.
Sorry, also I forgot to mention,
'I have been kidnapped and they want you to deposit
£50,000 into their account by tomorrow.'
Is this a podcast?
Cannot wait to meet her. Merry Christmas.
Still very bass-y.
No.
Don't go in there.
- What are you doing? - 'Nora?
Oh, my God!
_
What the hell? I can't find my fucking keys.
- What the fuck. - What are you doing here?
I couldn't bear it, could I, you being alone for Christmas.
Started ruining my Christmas, so thanks for that.
Here's some ham.
My God, you wouldn't believe my parents.
My dad got drunk, my mum was crying,
my brother was rude TO ME, which is totally not on.
Such a joke. Honestly. Why's it so dark in here?
- Sorry. Sorry - Sorry.
Merry Christmas.
Ian?
My mum got you a present, she wants a picture of you opening it.
OK, coming.
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