Eight, seven, six...
You don't have to kiss me or anything.
Genuinely didn't cross my mind.
Shall we split this or should I, I put some money into your account or...?
No, it's fine, don't worry.
He's a famous actor and you're a little rat nobody.
- Loved you in The Avengers. - I wasn't in that.
Harsh, but it's true.
My God, stop trying to win at kissing.
Can you stop trying to win at kissing?
There is a reason actors date other actors.
Dating someone like you
will most likely ruin a girl's life forever.
- It's just the cleaner. - Yeah, sorry.
You're a true romantic, Cath.
It's like one of those weird animal friendship shows a Labrador and a hedgehog who are friends.
Yeah, people don't think that.
Obviously you would say that, you're the fucking Labrador.
I'm busting my arse to stay in a city I'm not even from.
It's not like I have any family here either.
I don't have a person. I think I have to go home.
- Come to Ireland with me. - Come to New Zealand with me.
No, don't leave. Stay here.
- I can't. - So what do we do?
Dunno. Be friends? Cheers, pal.
You're welcome, friend.
Next stop is Charing Cross Station,
change here for services to Heathrow,
terminals one, two and three.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - I dunno what to do. What can I do?
No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
It's so much money, isn't it? So much money and I had a whole plan,
I had it planned out, all right? I had the window seat,
I booked two window seats for both the flights
and a gluten-free meal.
A gluten-free meal cos I don't even eat gluten-free
but l-l-l know that they come out first and I was going to watch Dunkirk
and so now I guess I'll just never watch Dunkirk now.
- We can watch Dunkirk. - On the ground? In a house?
Don't be ridiculous, man. Jeez.
God. It's just, it's just, I don't really...
I've never done this, I've never done this before.
- Do you want to see if you can still make it? - Do you think I should?
- No. - No, no, because me neither,
me neither cos I think it's good and I made a decision
and it's fine and I'm an adult and I'm sticking with it.
I can make decisions cos I... I am in control of my destiny,
and this is... It's just a crazy decision that I made.
Is this a crazy decision?
- Yes. - I knew it. I so knew it.
But I'm glad you made it. Stop me from doing something crazy.
An airport chase would've been horrible.
You know I have a bad knee.
Yeah. You shouldn't run on a bad knee.
- So, let's just... - Oh, God.
- Let's just... - Yeah?
- take things one step at a time. - OK.
- Take it slow. - Slow.
Yeah, slow. I can do slow.
- Let's get some breakfast. - Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, good.
Great. Thank you.
- OK? - Great. No. Slow, it's fine.
That's it.
Where are my bags? Where are my bags?
- Where did you put my bags? - OK.
- We probably... - Oh, no.
- No, no, no, it's OK. - No, no, no.
- Where's the bus? Where's it going? - Where are you going?
- I don't know... - The bus went that way.
OK, fine!
Hey... Hey, stop. Stop, stop, stop.
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Thank you.
Thank you!
- I've never seen anyone move... - I'm not a natural runner,
- I've got flat feet. - You were like a penguin, I dunno.
Can you believe no-one stole my bag?
- Yeah. - What? They're good bags.
- No, no, it's my... I said I was going to get this. - No, no.
No, it's our first date, let me pay.
OK.
- Thanks, guys. - Thank you.
Is this what people usually do on a first date?
- You've never been on a first date before? - No.
I actually prefer just to bump into someone, like,
a number of times over the course of a year
and then just not get on a plane for them.
Long con.
Well, usually you make small talk and they get to know each other.
OK... OK.
- All right, well, hello. - Hi.
My name is Jessie, I am 21 years old.
- 21? - Yes, don't ask, for any ID
but I don't remember 9/11.
OK. Are your parents mad that you've run off with an older man?
No.
- Are you going to call them? - Yeah. No, I mean, it's just probably later there,
so I'll ring them in the morning, but, yeah, it'll be good.
It'll be fine. They'll be fine with it.
I mean, they paid for the tickets so maybe they'll be annoyed.
Little bit annoyed, but no, they'll be good.
They'll get it.
I mean, Mum did change the sheets in the spare room,
so, weirdly, that is a thing she would probably get weirdly mad about, but...
No, she, yeah, yeah, they'll be good. They'll be good.
So, what do you want to do? Do you want to go back to your flat?
No.
You want to come back to mine?
No, because I mean I'm... I'm just having a good time being out
and out and about in London.
Like, how often do you find yourself in the middle of London?
- Quite often. - I think we should just keep doing something,
like, let's just do something fun. We'll do something fun.
Swinging London, baby.
Like, we could just do something and just keep moving forward
and I think if we keep moving forward
this is all just going to feel a bit more normal cos I'm feeling a bit...
- Yeah. - OK. Yeah, sure.
- Let's move. - Yeah, let's do it.
What the fuck?
- Why are we back on a bus? - You wanted to go sightseeing.
God. I didn't want to go on a... God!
First time in London.
Why aren't you ringing me from a fucking plane to Ireland?
Yeah, look, something's come up.
I don't think I'm going to be able to make it.
Where the fuck are you? I'm coming to get you.
- No, no, don't do that. - Yeah, no, I am.
Drop me a fucking pin, darling. Drop the pin.
- Everything's fine. - Drop it!
Don't smile.
- Really? - Yes.
But you're going to draw me smiling in the...
Cos I'd... I'd like to look happy in any way.
That's, like, a request.
Yeah, don't look straight at me, please.
Sorry.
- They're fantastic. - Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, my... - Don't smile, hands down.
- OK. - Look at me. Don't look at this.
- My God. - Don't.
My God. Do you know him?
Look, I'm really sorry, it's just not a good time. There's a lot of...
You wanted to make this pretentious film,
I wanted to make some money.
I want to do the film, of course I do.
You know this is bullying?
This is workplace bullying.
- Can't I just go first thing tomorrow? - No.
Well, something's come up and I'm not going to be able to make that flight.
I'm feeling very stressed!
I love you.
What do you think?
- Nice. - Yeah, you like it?
Did you ask to be on a jet ski?
No, that was the artist's own choice, but I do like it.
Also, he hooked me up with the tickets to Magic Mike Live. It's sick.
A ticket scalper and a caricature artist.
Yeah, very multi-talented.
- Who was that on the phone? - No-one, just work.
- Is everything OK? - Yeah, all good.
So you're taking me to dinner and a show?
No dinner, just a show. I've spent the last of my money on this,
so I better see some titties.
- Gross. - No, it's not gross if it's men's titties,
- it's actually OK. - Really, is that the rule now?
- Your bags. - Sorry. Sorry. ***
Yeah, sorry.
Do you have a key?
No.
Is Kate in?
No, she'll be at work.
So it's probably for the best.
Do you have a spare key?
Yeah. I just don't know where it is.
OK.
Is it this one?
- Yeah, that's it. - There you go.
- Was that just there? - Yeah.
Home, sweet home. God. Bang one here. Yeah, just bring it through.
- Through there? - Yeah. Are you all right there?
Jesus.
My God! My God! No, no, no, no!
Where you going? Come back here!
My back.
Are you OK?
I just need to say it was my idea not Kate's.
- What is wrong with you? - You were supposed to be at work.
You were supposed to be on a plane, flying out of my life forever.
I've spent the entire morning grieving.
Is that what we walked in on, is it?
My God. Your mum is going to kill you.
You probably should tell her soon, shouldn't you?
I should fucking think so. No offence, Tom.
Can we take this outside?
Yeah. Yeah, let's take this outside cos I'm going to kick your ass.
- You're going to kick my ass? - Yes.
I think you misunderstand our height difference there.
- Order me anything. - Yep.
Actually, can you order me a bacon butty? Thank you.
- What are you doing? - I don't want Tom to think I'm freaking out.
- Are you freaking out? - Of course I'm freaking out.
What do you... What does that mean? Obviously.
I've actually always wanted to come to this place.
- Yeah? Why's that? - Yeah.
I'm not sure.
I know what this is. This is your Saturn returning.
- Shut up. - Saturn's returning. Your Saturn's returning.
It's back, baby, and it is fucking shit up.
Just...
- OK, now, listen to me. - No.
This is going to be the hardest year of your life, without question,
and I'm going to be there with you every step of the way.
- No. - Yes.
- My God. - Fuck yes.
- Come on, we got this. - We don't got this. We don't... What are you talking about?
- Saturn returning is not a thing. - It's a huge thing.
What is Saturn? Where is it returning to? I don't know what you're talking about.
Do you think they're OK?
You know how girls love to gab.
Right, yeah.
I'm not... I'm not sexist.
No, it didn't, it didn't sound like that, don't worry.
- This is not Tom's fault. - Yes, it is.
Yes, OK, technically it is Tom's fault,
but I don't want him to know that.
Look, you don't have to stay. You can still go.
But what... No, no, no, I want to stay, that's why I stayed.
- I'm staying. I'm stayed. - OK.
- Good.
Do you think part of you decided to stay because of me?
- Hand on heart? - Yeah.
- Not really, no. - Fair enough.
So, you and Jessie? Big news? Big day?
- Yeah, I guess. - She stayed in the country just for you.
I mean, that's things moving fast, right?
Well, I dunno about that, it was kind of a...
Jessie's got one of those faces, right?
- Sorry? - You know, Helen of Troy,
the face that launched a thousand ships. The face that grounded a thousand planes in your case.
- Right, yeah. - Seriously, if you're thinking of buying the...
- I know a guy who can. - Hey!
Hi.
- Sorry about that. - Girl talk.
Everything OK?
Yeah. No, no, I'm fine, just a bit sleepy.
So, what are we doing now? Are we going back my house?
- Do you want to? - No, we have plans. We have...
plans.
Yes! Yes!
Yes!!
Amateur. Where did you learn how to drive?
- Don't you have a job? - Disrespectful.
I'm trying to improve your game, dude.
- Children these days. Hello. - There you go.
Black and white, fancy.
What?
- You look kind of worried. - Really?
Sort of. Do you... not...
Little crinkle, little crinkle there.
No, I don't.
You know you don't have to spend all day with me.
- I can entertain myself. - Yeah, I know.
- Ok. Are you having fun? Yes? - Yeah.
Where do you want to go next?
This one, I think. I think I might... I think I might waste you at this.
- OK, she's talking a big game, let's go. - Yeah... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK, ready?
Yes.
No ***
Hey, you'd tell me if you wanted to go home, right?
Why would I want to go home? I've got lots to do here.
Errands to run, loose ends to tie up.
I think we should have sex again at some point.
I'm being serious.
Why would you ask me that?
I just wanted to make sure you knew you didn't have to stay.
I know.
Cool, cos...
I got you something.
Is it a nude?
Because I could ruin your life with this.
It's very...
What is this?
It's a plane ticket home.
For who?
You totally don't have to use it, it's just an option.
So when did you do this?
I bought it while your hand was stuck in the air hockey machine.
OK.
All right, well, thanks.
It's just a joke, it wasn't supposed to be, like, a serious thing.
You know, if you wanted me to leave you could just ask.
- You know, you could just tell me. - No, I...
- Tom Kapoor? - Hi.
- Have we...? - I love you, man.
- That's great. I've actually got... - *** This is fate.
Can I get a photo?
- Yeah, course. - Yeah?
- Do you want to...? - OK. Yeah.
Nice!
Epic!
- I don't want you to leave. - Yeah.
But I don't want you to feel like you can't leave.
I want you to stay, that's the whole point.
Then why would you buy a fucking plane ticket then?
Well, I was trying to be romantic.
Is it romantic if you're sending your date
to literally the other side of the planet?
Obviously, I was hoping you wouldn't use it.
Right, so you bought me a plane ticket in the hopes that I wouldn't use it?
Yes, but don't make it sound bad.
You are totally putting off me off my rhythm, could you please move?
- Jesus. - Look, it's not a big deal, just forget it.
OK. It is a big deal, though, because that's a lot of money, that's a lot of money to me.
Do you want me to just give you the money, then?
- No, I don't want your money. Richie Rich. - I'm sorry.
- That was just a stupid thing to say. - What are you talking about?
- It's disgusting. - Game over.
And look, OK, game over. Great, so that's, so that's my worst game, ever.
So thank you. Thank you for that and thank you for your generous, generous offer.
Look, it was supposed to be a nice thing.
I've spent literally the whole day trying to make you feel OK.
I shouldn't even be here, I'm supposed to be Ireland right now.
We're all supposed to bloody be somewhere, mate.
Look, I'm going to go to Magic Mike, Live,
- and I don't think you should come. - Well, I never wanted to come.
- Well, you clearly have no taste. - Fine.
Fine.
Can you be the one to leave, though, because I want to play that pinball machine over there, so maybe...?
- You're being ridiculous. - I'm being ri...
Right now, you, you're being ridiculous.
Mum. Hi.
No, no, I'm fine, I...
No, obviously I'm not ringing from the plane. I...
Yeah, don't freak out,
because what I'm about to tell you is quite funny if you...
Yeah, I did, but I... I will pay you back, that's the thing.
Of course I'll pay you back.
Well,
I dunno, we can set up, like, a payment plan or something? I don't know.
Can you please not yell at me? It's just...
Yeah. I know. I know.
I know you changed the sheets.
Ladies, get your drinks and your *** dollars,
the sexiest night of your life will begin again soon.
Hello.
- Are you enjoying the show? - Yeah...
Yeah, I am, I'm loving it. These boys are really talented.
How much did the T-shirt cost?
£22.
That's a lot of money.
Yeah, I had to use my credit card.
Hi, I'm Tom.
- I'm 25. - 25?
I love the Star Wars prequels, and I barely remember Y2K.
Nice to meet you, Tom.
I'm sorry I booked you a plane ticket home.
I'm sorry I have been having a moderate nervous breakdown for 12 hours.
Don't apologise, it's been thrilling.
Have I ruined your life?
No.
I wouldn't worry about that, I have been ruining my own life for, like,
years now.
Is it weird that I stayed?
No.
Do you regret staying?
No.
Good.
C'est la vie, you know?
As the French say. Life is short.
Life is short and long.
Life is simultaneously very short and very long.
That's profound stuff.
You've got to stay for the second half.
- I can't. - Why not?
- I have a flight. - What for?
Work.
Work? That's... I wouldn't call it work.
You know what is work? Dancing for an hour and a half
ten times a week, giving it 100% every single time.
- That is work. - Why don't you come with me?
You could book your own flight this time.
No.
Why not?
I have to see what happens to Mike.
So there's a narrative?
If you follow it closely enough there is.
It's really amazing because it's a journey, you know what I mean?
They don't even take many of their clothes off,
it's actually more what they do with sort of the expectation of it.
I'll call you when I land.
OK.
- Have a good flight. - Thank you.
I'm glad you stayed.
Me too.
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