1 00:00:00,010 --> 00:00:01,950 He's forgotten his trunks? 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,850 Wha-Wha-What time is swimming? Actually, I don't even know why I'm asking you that. 3 00:00:04,900 --> 00:00:07,950 I'm at work. I can't get away. Can he swim in his pants? 4 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,350 Sorry, can I just ask you, did you try calling my husband? 5 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:14,850 No, you just called me, OK. No, just wanted to know, that's all. 6 00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:19,270 OK, well, I think we both know that he is going to be missing swimming. 7 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,110 Yes. Och, yeah, yeah! 8 00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:24,390 It is a terrible, awful, terrible shame. 9 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:25,960 It's a tragedy. 10 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:28,990 OK. All right. 11 00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,520 Take care. God bless you, bye-bye. 12 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:40,520 Is that a work phone? 13 00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:44,360 Yes. 14 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:56,310 Look, Julia. I get it, it's hard. 15 00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,870 People say women can have it all. 16 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:00,750 But that's easy to say. 17 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,590 And the point is, if you're hosting a dinner for 250 opticians 18 00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:07,390 at the ExCel Centre, it probably means you're missing bath time. 19 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:11,030 You constantly feel like you're letting someone down. 20 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:12,630 I get it. 21 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,070 That is it exactly. 22 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:15,750 That is it. That's it. 23 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,390 I've got kids myself. 24 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:21,360 And I come from a family of very strong, strong women. 25 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,080 So I really do understand. 26 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:27,670 So just sort it out. 27 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,150 Yeah. 28 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:30,240 Huh? 29 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:40,030 What's with all the cleaning stuff? 30 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:41,670 Oh! It's date night tonight. 31 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,350 - How much jizzing are you planning to do? - Oh, yeah! 32 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:46,630 No, I just want to get the whole house spotless 33 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,910 so Jill isn't distracted by any of that stuff. 34 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,110 And she can't forget like she did last time, 35 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,990 because I've put it in her iCal. 36 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:56,390 I didn't have you down as a sexual person, Kevin. 37 00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:57,670 Oh, yeah. Very much so. 38 00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:00,950 Absolutely. It's important, isn't it, when you've had kids, 39 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:02,510 to make time for each other? 40 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:03,790 Physically. 41 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,910 I thought we could do it in the shower tonight. 42 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,550 She used to love that in the '90s. 43 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:10,160 I just have to give it a good scrub first. 44 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:15,110 - Do you do wine here? - We do an Elderflower presse. 45 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:16,950 No, you've completely misunderstood me. 46 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,510 Do I look like I've been crying? I got a bit emotional at work. 47 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:23,270 - What happened? - I just had a full-on talking-to from my boss. 48 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:24,550 Is that good or...? 49 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,710 - Sorry, is that bad? - It's bad. It's shit. 50 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:29,390 I am hanging on by a thread here. I really need some childcare, 51 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:32,110 I don't have time to find any childcare. I just need some time. 52 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,070 You should do what Amanda does. 53 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,670 Monday, her kids go to her mother-in-law after school. 54 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:39,390 Tuesday, she does a nanny share with a family from their street. 55 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:41,110 Wednesday, she does a half day. 56 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:43,230 Thursday, it's either the nanny share or her, 57 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:44,710 or the mother of the other family -- 58 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:46,990 they take it in turns -- which just leaves one Thursday a month, 59 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,510 which they rotate. And Fridays, 60 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:51,950 every fourth weekend, her mum comes over from Portugal. 61 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,670 So that's covered. And the other Fridays, Johnny works from home 62 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:56,430 or Amanda takes the day off. 63 00:02:56,480 --> 00:03:00,440 And I believe she catches up with everything else on the Saturday. 64 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:03,230 OK. 65 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:04,960 I'll just do that, then. 66 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:08,670 Do you mind if we take this table? 67 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:11,190 There's a smaller table free over there, and there's a lot of us 68 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:15,070 - and only one of you. - It's just, this table's right next to the socket. 69 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:17,590 What, a plug? There's a plug down there? 70 00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:18,950 I should have brought my ironing, 71 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,150 really make the most of that fucking plug. Come on, mate, move it. 72 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:24,990 Are you free on Saturday? It's Ivy's birthday. 73 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,190 That'll be lovely. What are you doing? 74 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,710 Oh, nothing special. Just a few friends at Pizza Express. 75 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,710 She's only 9 -- it's not her 40th. 76 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,240 You're missing a trick there. 77 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:37,430 Oh, I was just reading about Amanda's kids. 78 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:41,070 Do you think she's still pissed off about having to make us an omelette 79 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,960 - that time? - She won't be in a minute. Hang on. 80 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:49,360 All right? Just grabbing the milk. 81 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,390 God, you look thin! 82 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,390 - You been ill or something? - No. 83 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:57,670 No, I haven't. 84 00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:01,510 Really? That's mad! Yeah, you look dangerously thin. 85 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,350 Oh, thank you! 86 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:04,760 You're welcome. 87 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,390 What did you mean when you said I was missing a trick? 88 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:15,630 If you've got childcare issues, you should throw a big party. 89 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:18,350 - What? Why? - You invite 30 kids, 90 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:19,710 you get 30 invites back. 91 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,470 That's free childcare. 92 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:24,110 I'm having a lovely afternoon without my son right now. 93 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:25,710 How does that even work? 94 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:27,430 Parents have to stay, don't they? 95 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:28,830 No, it's drop-offs. 96 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:31,790 You gift them a drop-off party, then it's quid pro quo -- 97 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:33,950 they let you drop-off in return. 98 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:37,110 Liz, I haven't got time to organise a massive party. 99 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:40,510 What time?! You buy four caterpillar cakes from Asda, 100 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:43,070 put them together in one long human-centipede type 101 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:46,070 Caterpillar cake, then just let the kids help themselves. 102 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,550 Don't even bother with a knife. 103 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,870 Just let them dig their creepy little fingers in. 104 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:53,270 Then tell them you've hidden a quid somewhere and relax. 105 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,710 Then, for the big finale, play Gangnam Style 106 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,550 and give them undiluted squash. 107 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,470 They'll go fucking mental. 108 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:02,070 It's all over by 4pm, done. 109 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:03,670 We hired a ceramic cafe, 110 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:07,590 so same principle, but everyone goes home with an ashtray. 111 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,670 Yeah, well, I think that sounds absolutely hideous. 112 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,280 So I'll stick to Pizza Express. 113 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:16,990 Hey! Hey-ah, hey, hey-oh. 114 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:20,910 I'm having a little birthday thing for Ivy on Saturday. 115 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:24,910 Pizza Express, if you... Oh, Pizza Express, that's a good idea. 116 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,590 So much easier than going to the trouble of organising 117 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,870 a real proper party. And you're not really 118 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:31,950 a kids' party person, are you, Julia? 119 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:37,400 Yeah... I kids party! 120 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:40,910 I kids party, real hard. 121 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,150 If you'd let me finish my sentence! 122 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:46,510 I was going to say that Pizza Express is great 123 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,390 if you like that kind of thing, 124 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:52,270 but what I've been planning for quite some time now is a massive 125 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,550 fuck-off party on Saturday at mine. 126 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,190 What's the theme? 127 00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:58,640 Tarts and vicars. 128 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:02,430 I'm joking, Anne, that's a joke. 129 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,230 There's no, um, there's no theme. 130 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,120 It's a BYO theme. 131 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,560 Fine, pirate robots. 132 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:16,470 So, I'm having a party. It's fine. I organise events for a living, 133 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:18,350 so that will be absolutely fine. 134 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,030 Can you help me, please? 135 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,120 Nope. 136 00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:33,590 Hello, Julia! 137 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:34,950 Hello, Mother. Who's this? 138 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:36,390 This is my friend, Sylvie. 139 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:37,910 Never heard of her. 140 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:39,150 Where are the kids? 141 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:40,670 Well, YOUR kid is here. 142 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:43,390 Standing in front of you wondering why I'm struggling to cope, 143 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:46,790 while you're bumming around eating smoked-salmon quiche 144 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,950 without a bloody care in the world. 145 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,630 Sorry about this, Sylvie. 146 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,750 So, I came in to invite you to Ivy's birthday party, it's on Saturday. 147 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:54,910 Oh, thanks, I'd like that. 148 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,670 - What time? - Well, it starts at two, but if you could get there for, 149 00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:58,960 I don't know, ten? 150 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,390 - What? - I know what you're trying to do, Julia, 151 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,880 and the answer is no. 152 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:10,750 I'm not trying to do anything, Mother. What am I trying to do? 153 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:12,430 You want me to help with the party. 154 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:14,790 - No, I don't. - Well, why do I need to be there at ten? 155 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:16,350 Need?! 156 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:19,910 I don't NEED anything, mother, please don't try and twist this. 157 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,950 What I want, actually, to be perfectly honest, 158 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:25,430 what I want is my children's grandmother to want to be there, 159 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:28,630 at ten, and to maybe bring some balloons or something. 160 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,520 No, Julia. 161 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,030 OK. How about this -- just one last job, 162 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:35,830 and then you're free, you're out, 163 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:37,630 how about that? Just one last job. 164 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:39,440 Just for old time's sake. 165 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,350 I'll see you at two. 166 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,110 Unbelievable. 167 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,110 - Sylvie, would you like to come? - Well, I... 168 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,920 You have to be there at ten. 169 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:56,430 - Delivery. - Give my hat back now! - Cake. Icing. Candles. 170 00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:59,270 Squash. Music. 171 00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,640 Games. Balloons. 172 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:31,790 OK. Hey, gang, it's Big Balloon Barry here. 173 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:34,750 I'm going to teach you how to blow up one of these bad boys. 174 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,390 What you want to do, give it a little stretch out. 175 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:40,230 - Work from the diaphragm... - Ssh! - .. really get the control... - Ssh! 176 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:41,750 Really focus the breathing. 177 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:43,910 Get a good seal with your lips. 178 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:45,710 It's very important. 179 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,280 OK, so, here we go. 180 00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:00,430 This is fun, isn't it? 181 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:01,710 This is going to be good, I think. 182 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,470 Can you stop doing that? 183 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,720 Right. Let's have a little checkity check. 184 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,720 Yeah. It's still a Minion, isn't it? 185 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,560 Where is the delivery guy? 186 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,200 The delivery guy... 187 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,910 He's not... here. 188 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,030 Crisps, Twix, hummus and breadsticks, 189 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,640 tzatziki, wine, carrot batons -- none of that stuff is here. 190 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:32,840 Yes, of course I confirmed the order. 191 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,350 Oh, God, I'm doing it now. 192 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:37,840 I've just done it. Where is it? 193 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,350 What? That's terrible! 194 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:44,350 - What, they didn't turn up at all. - No, no, they didn't, Paul, look, 195 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,790 is there anyway you could just miss this one match, 196 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,990 and just get me some supplies, could you? 197 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:52,030 Well, I've got a seat in a box. It was my Christmas present from Dan. 198 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,710 OK, OK. Don't worry about it. 199 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,870 I've got a tub of cottage cheese and half a mackerel in the fridge. 200 00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,150 It's a good job that I invited our Lord Jesus Christ, 201 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,910 because I really think this is going to work out. 202 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,270 Don't be like that. 203 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:04,670 I didn't ask for an early kick-off. 204 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:07,750 Blame bloody Sky, or BT Sport or whatever. 205 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:09,430 That's the problem with football. 206 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,350 So much contempt for the fans. 207 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,230 I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT NOW! 208 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,790 Can you help me or not? 209 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,030 Look, I can't be in two places at once, can I? 210 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:21,520 I'll be there tomorrow for her actual birthday. 211 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,870 Look, I know it all seems a bit of a mess right now, 212 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,830 but it's just a case of learning how to juggle everything. 213 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:32,110 And if you drop something, I will always be there to pick it up. 214 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:34,750 And toss it back to you so you can just keep on juggling. 215 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,200 OK? 216 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:39,880 Julia? 217 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:42,470 Julia? 218 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:45,590 This is a bag of choking hazards for the party bags. 219 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,910 And give them out at the end -- that's a sign everyone 220 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,310 - has to piss off. - God, thanks, Liz, how much to owe you? 221 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,350 £1. God bless Poundland. 222 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:53,910 No, I mean for everything. 223 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,310 Oh, right. 224 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:56,470 Er, £5. 225 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,350 God bless Poundland. 226 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,430 Right, there's four caterpillar cakes in there. 227 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,350 No, I've made a Minion cake! You wouldn't know it's a Minion, 228 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,350 but I really think it will pass as a cake. 229 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:07,110 It looks like an angry sweetcorn. 230 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:08,830 - How long have we got? - Half an hour. 231 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:10,510 Are you having the party in there? 232 00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:11,880 - Yes. - Give me a pound coin. 233 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,400 Write a sign that says, "Find the pound." 234 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,430 - What about that room? - No, no, that is out of bounds. 235 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,270 Write a sign that says, "Wet paint." 236 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:25,910 That's brilliant, Liz! 237 00:11:26,460 --> 00:11:28,520 Oh, that will be Kevin, I called him too. 238 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,590 - Come in. - Let's get this party started! 239 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,310 What's that? Is that for the party? 240 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:37,430 This? It's a bag of carrots, Julia. 241 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,590 - What are they for? - You'll see. 242 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:45,270 I'm going to need a small table, a long-stemmed glass, a napkin. 243 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,550 - Hiya. - Hi, Liz. What would be great 244 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:51,110 is if you had some white gloves and a circular metal ring. 245 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,790 Kevin, I've booked an entertainer. 246 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,750 Oh, you've booked an entertainer? 247 00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,270 Well, I thought I could... 248 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,590 It would be great, though, if you could help out with the sandwiches 249 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:00,910 and the, um, cleaning up. 250 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,750 Who have you booked? 251 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:06,430 I booked, um, the only person I could get at short notice. 252 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,750 - Um, Animal Man. - Animal Man?! 253 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:11,470 - Oh, Julia. - What's wrong with Animal Man? 254 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:12,870 He's... 255 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,870 racist. 256 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,550 - And he's... - (.. unimaginative.) 257 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,310 What, he's an unimaginative racist? 258 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:20,790 Did you not read the Google reviews? 259 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,710 No, Kevin, I did not read the Google reviews. 260 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:25,830 Well, look, don't worry. I've got this. 261 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:28,680 - I'm not worried. - You shouldn't be. Cos I've got this, Julia. 262 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,030 God, this looks bloody great! 263 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:38,270 I think we've pulled this off, mate. 264 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,510 Um... Ivy's just been sick. 265 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,150 What do you mean, sick? 266 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,790 Uh, she vomited on me. 267 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,830 And then she vomited again. 268 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:47,910 On me. 269 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,000 - What do you mean? - Um... 270 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,830 I don't know how else to say it. 271 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:55,160 How are you feeling, Ivy? 272 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:57,710 Ivy? 273 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,270 Too much icing? 274 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:04,510 I don't think that's icing. 275 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:05,870 There's a bug going around. 276 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,670 We all had it last week. 277 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:11,070 I got caught short at the chemist on Tuesday. 278 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:12,790 Had to throw my leggings away. 279 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:14,950 Do you want me to cancel, Ivy? 280 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,270 Do you want me to cancel? 281 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:18,870 Because you're feeling ill? 282 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:22,800 That's not a no. 283 00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,270 - What do you want to do? - Oh, God. 284 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:28,270 It's too late to cancel, isn't it? 285 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,910 It's too late, isn't it? Is it too late to cancel? 286 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:41,550 Have we caught you at a bad time? 287 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,150 No. You've caught me at a great time. 288 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,350 - Where's the birthday girl? - She's... 289 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:48,310 Do you have any parking permits, Julia? 290 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,070 Oh, God, parking permits. 291 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,630 No, it's a drop-off. It's just a drop-off. 292 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:55,070 It's all right. I'll just keep an eye open for traffic wardens. 293 00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:58,270 - No, it's a drop-off! Why are you all coming in? - Hi! 294 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,390 No, it's a drop-off. It's just a drop-off. 295 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,910 What are they doing? It's a drop-off! 296 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,150 Why are the mums all coming in? 297 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:05,870 Yeah, looks like they're lingering. 298 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,510 Yeah, I think they're going to stay. 299 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,030 You said that they were free to go, that was the whole point of this. 300 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:13,310 - Did you put "drop-off" on the invites? - No, no, I just... No. 301 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,670 Well, then, it's Russian roulette. I guess you're buggered, 302 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:16,630 cos this is the first time 303 00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:18,590 they've had permission to come inside your house. 304 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,950 So, basically, they're here to judge your house. 305 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,720 Please tell me you put a leaving time down. 306 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,000 No, that's enough. Thank you. 307 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,640 I had to bring up a bowl for Ivy. 308 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,150 Shit, Ivy licked that cake! She licked the cake, Liz! 309 00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:42,390 No-one can eat the cake, Liz! 310 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:45,680 - Just give them the caterpillar cakes. - OK. Yeah. Great. 311 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,110 - Where is Ivy? - Ivy? 312 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:51,830 Oh, Ivy, she's... She got a bit overexcited, 313 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:53,630 so I put her on time-out in her room. 314 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,350 I actually like these walls, Julia -- what colour are they? 315 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,590 What colour are they? They're the colour that you see. 316 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,830 - That colour. - I was thinking about doing a bit of turn for the kids 317 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:04,430 before Animal Man gets here. If he gets here. 318 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:07,550 I mean, I've not read one Google review that said he wasn't late. 319 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,630 Yes! By all means! I'm just a bit... 320 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:10,840 Yes! 321 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,310 Ssh! Ssh! Ssh! 322 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:15,910 So, what have we all got? 323 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:19,710 - Carrots! - Carrot. A boring old carrot. 324 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:23,070 Well, maybe not as boring as you thought, when you realise 325 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:24,600 you can turn a carrot... 326 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:29,080 .. into a recorder! 327 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,000 Are we ready to make a recorder? 328 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:37,310 Oh, Julia, Julia, I'm going to need a few very sharp knives. 329 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,280 No, Kevin, I'm not handing out sharp knives to children. 330 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,550 Oh, yeah, that might be dangerous. 331 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,390 Um... What am I going to do? 332 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,990 I can't do them all myself -- this one took hours. 333 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,390 OK, I know. I know. Um... 334 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,590 Let's play Guess That Tune! 335 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,280 Who knows this one? 336 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:12,070 Look who's here! 337 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:15,590 Who wants to see what's in the box?! 338 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,920 - Me! - Come on! 339 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,080 Is it No Limits? 340 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:34,390 She thinks, because it's cranberry glass, it'll go for 20 quid. 341 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:38,310 But she'll get seven for it, tops -- mark my words. 342 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,110 I've seen this episode already. 343 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:43,030 - How is she? - Just had another little mini vom earlier. 344 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,150 Well, she hasn't got a temperature, so that's good. 345 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,110 Look, you don't have to sit up here, I can take over. 346 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:49,590 I'm having a nice time. Ivy's having a nice time. 347 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,270 This is my kind of party. 348 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,030 Plus, I owe the animal bloke 50 quid. 349 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:54,950 I booked him for a party, then didn't pay him. 350 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,030 Because he was racist? 351 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:57,870 No, because he was rubbish. God, if I didn't pay people 352 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,710 because they were racist, I wouldn't have a satellite dish. 353 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,670 Or catering at my wedding. 354 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,350 Can you take this? 355 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,270 I poured it down the loo, but it could do with a bleach. 356 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:09,480 Tag team. 357 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:13,990 I just thought Ivy might want a peep on my carrot flute. 358 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,540 Please don't say that to any other children, Kevin. 359 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:25,000 How was date night? 360 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,030 Disappointing. 361 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,630 Didn't get to use your mop? 362 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,590 Liz! 363 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,590 No, it's just, you know, I'd made dinner, 364 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,710 got the house all nice and clean, chromed the shower, 365 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:39,270 and I'd just popped up to give the bedroom carpet a quick vac, 366 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:40,790 and she walks in. 367 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:42,870 I'm not sure I want to hear this story, but go on. 368 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:44,750 Well, no, that's the end of the story. 369 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,110 She just said hello, locked the bathroom door, 370 00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:48,400 had a shower by herself. 371 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:52,150 Maybe it's the pressure of date night. 372 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,030 Maybe I just need to... 373 00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,640 .. loosen up a bit, be a bit more spontaneous. 374 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,430 You know what, I'm going to take sex night out of the calendar. 375 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,840 I put it in there as a repeat event, but... 376 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:08,030 Oh, she's already deleted it. 377 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:14,550 How's everything on the road, Anne? 378 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:16,080 All clear so far. 379 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,910 Has everyone had a special squash? 380 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,070 How long do you think -- no pressure, just how long? 381 00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:23,310 It takes as long as it takes. 382 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,710 - Perfect. - Where is Ivy? 383 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:27,590 - Ivy? - Where is she?! 384 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:31,910 She's, um... She's getting ready in her room, costume change. 385 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,670 What are they like?! 386 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:35,320 Nine going on Brandi Glanville. 387 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,470 - I don't know who that is. - You do, yeah, you do, 388 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:41,320 you know who Brandi Glanville is, from Real Housewives. 389 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:44,630 You know Brandi Glanville! 390 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,520 She's friends with Lisa Vanderpump. 391 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:50,310 - Not friends, I mean... - I don't watch Real Housewives. 392 00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:51,870 No, no. No, me neither. 393 00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:58,040 Kevin, could you put some crisps out or something? 394 00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:02,910 - Unbelievable. - Sorry I'm late. - Four and a half hours' late. 395 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,550 Half an hour late. 396 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:07,270 Ah, well, well, look who it is. 397 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:08,830 You've got some cheek. 398 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:11,350 - Where's Ivy? - Yes, where's Ivy?! 399 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,470 Two days ago, it was "who's Ivy?" 400 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,030 No, it wasn't, Julia. 401 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,630 If you could just put your present in the pile, please. 402 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,430 Mother? Mother? 403 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,470 Hello, hello! 404 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,270 Marion! Aw! 405 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,630 Kevin, did you clean that? 406 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,070 - No. - What's the matter with you? 407 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:31,080 That is the bowl that Ivy was sick in. 408 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,110 Do you need a hand, Julia? 409 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:38,990 Just to make the party a bit better. 410 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:40,270 No! No, it's fine. 411 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,480 No, this is exactly how it's supposed to be. 412 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,280 God, did you get those from the...? 413 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:48,870 What? 414 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:50,390 Nothing. 415 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,910 OK. Animal time! 416 00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,630 Hey! Hurray! 417 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:59,710 OK, right. So I'm going to need a volunteer for later. 418 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:01,360 Who wants to volunteer? 419 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:04,680 Anyone? 420 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:07,920 You. Come on up. 421 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,470 Just stand there. Don't touch anything. 422 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,830 OK, right. We've got lots of wonderful animals to meet. 423 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,870 But first, we need to sing the animal song. 424 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:19,550 So... 425 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:23,070 Animal, animal, animal... 426 00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:25,590 Animal, animal, animal... 427 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:29,590 Sing along. Animal, animal, animal... 428 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:32,630 A bit louder, come on. Animal, animal, yep. 429 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:36,720 OK, does the birthday girl want to come up and open the first crate? 430 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:44,350 Ah! In the royal box. 431 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:48,430 Right then, what's in the crate? 432 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,670 - Any guesses? - A dog. 433 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:52,070 - No, it's not a dog. - A hamster. 434 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:54,350 An elephant? You need a licence for that. 435 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,510 - A hippo. - It's not a hippo, look at the size of it. 436 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:58,750 OK, you're not getting it. I'm going to give you a clue. 437 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,920 What makes this sound... 438 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,030 Meow! 439 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:05,230 A cat! 440 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:06,630 That's right. 441 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,790 There we go. Oh, there we are. 442 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,830 Look. 443 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,710 Oh. That one's gone. 444 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,230 That happens. 445 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,830 Right, OK. So what's in the next crate? 446 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,670 Surprise us. 447 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:21,230 - Pardon? - Nothing. 448 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,790 Hi. 449 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:24,710 OK. So, any guesses on this one? 450 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:26,030 - A dog! - Tiger! 451 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:29,550 Here's the clue -- the clue is what makes this sound...? 452 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:30,640 Sss-sssss! 453 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:33,760 - Snake. - A snake! 454 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:38,470 Nay, it is... 455 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:39,870 a... 456 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:42,070 Siamese cat! 457 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:43,510 Yay! 458 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,040 Oh, my God. It's not even Siamese. 459 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,070 Ha-wo. 460 00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,640 And it goes like this... "Look at me!" 461 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:57,840 Through it goes! Yes! Big round of applause. 462 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:04,070 OK. What's in this crate? 463 00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:08,550 It is, come on out! Surprise, everybody. 464 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,630 It's a cat! 465 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:12,270 Oh, it's a cat. 466 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:13,950 Woohoo! 467 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,830 It's a whole cat. 468 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,350 Oh, a nice British one. 469 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:19,990 Is it just cats? 470 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,910 - I need a top-up. - "Half hour show was promised -- 471 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,990 "run out of steam at the 13-minute point. 472 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:27,950 "This is a very cat-heavy show. 473 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,310 "Not unfun." 474 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:30,750 OK, if you say so. 475 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,550 "But if you don't like cats, perhaps give it a swerve." 476 00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:34,710 Kev, forget about him. 477 00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:36,910 Just getting a wine for Sylvie. 478 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,510 Yeah, sure, as long as Sylvie's OK. 479 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,520 Well, you invited her, Julia. 480 00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,190 Shit! 481 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:48,150 Because I felt sorry for her, being friends with bloody you. 482 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,670 If there's anything I can do to help, do say. 483 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:53,390 Is there anything you can do to help? Is there anything you can do to help?! 484 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,870 Mother, I haven't got time to give you instructions. 485 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:58,120 You need to use your initiative. Just do it. 486 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,230 Did your wife see you cleaning the other night, Kev? 487 00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:13,790 What? Er, yeah. 488 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:14,950 Right. 489 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,760 I think I've worked out why she won't have sex with you. 490 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:26,480 There's only one sausage roll left out there. 491 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,750 Anne, the window. 492 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:31,670 God, yeah, sorry. 493 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:34,350 I feel like there's something wrong, Julia. 494 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,720 Everyone is picking up on it. 495 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:41,030 Has your husband left you? 496 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:42,470 Is that why Ivy's upstairs, 497 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,830 she won't come down, because she is too devastated? 498 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:46,390 No, he's just at the football. 499 00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:48,150 Julia, I'm trying to help you. 500 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:52,270 I'm just trying to understand what is going on here. 501 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,310 I'm just trying to make a two-foot caterpillar cake. 502 00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:57,870 Please, please stop trying to be something that you're not. 503 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:00,190 If nothing else, 504 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,310 it's just horrible to watch. 505 00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:04,350 It's cake time! 506 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:16,070 Mother, what are you doing? 507 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:17,880 Using my initiative. 508 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:22,990 Got a new camera. 509 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:25,670 - Nice! - Yeah, I used to take photos on my phone, 510 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:28,590 but then the battery overheated and melted the memory card. 511 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:31,350 - Oh, no. - Yeah, I had photos going right back 512 00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,110 to when my Darius was born. 513 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,750 I even had one of my grandfather holding Darius, 514 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,830 literally seconds before we switched off his life-support. 515 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:41,160 - Where's Ivy? - Where's Ivy?! 516 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,430 Where is Ivy? For God's sake, Mother! 517 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:46,510 Where is she? 518 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:47,790 She's there. 519 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,750 ? Happy birthday to you 520 00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:54,310 ? Happy birthday to you 521 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:58,470 ? Happy birthday, dear... Ivy... ? 522 00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:01,640 Right, I'm going to cut this in the kitchen, the way people do. 523 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:11,760 Er, it wasn't as moist as I'd hoped. 524 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:18,400 - Right. All packed up, then. - Great. 525 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,710 So, is that everything, or what? 526 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,350 It's just that I normally get a bit of a thank-you. 527 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:27,270 Thank you. 528 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:28,750 No, I meant a tip. 529 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:31,230 Oh, well, if I'm honest, you were late, 530 00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:35,120 and if I'm also honest, you were quite unimaginative. 531 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:39,990 Well, I think the kids really enjoyed all the animals. 532 00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:43,790 Sorry, what was that? 533 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:44,830 I said... 534 00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:47,950 Sorry, have you got something to say? 535 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,150 Cos I heard all your sarky comments during the show. 536 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:51,590 Show?! 537 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,390 All right, mate. I don't know what your issue is. 538 00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:58,470 - But I... - I'm not going to get into it here in front of children 539 00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:01,950 - and mothers, mate. - OK, fine, let's take it outside, then. 540 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,150 Fine, front or back. 541 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:05,320 What? 542 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:09,110 Front door or back door, because it would be stupid 543 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,390 if I went to the garden and you went to the street. 544 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:13,710 The front, then, cos that is where my van is parked. 545 00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:15,470 Leave it, Kevin, he's not worth it. 546 00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:17,590 It's all right, love, I've got thi... 547 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:20,670 I know you. You owe me money. 548 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:24,270 - No, I don't. - You do. - I didn't pay you because your act is terrible. 549 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:25,910 And you're racist. 550 00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:29,230 If your act was amazing, I'd put up with a tiny bit of racism. 551 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,310 But your act is shit. 552 00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:33,150 It's just cats, mate. 553 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,310 Don't call yourself Animal Man if you just have cats. 554 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:37,830 Call yourself Cat Man. 555 00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:40,390 Bloody Cat Man Do, there you go -- that's a great name. 556 00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:42,670 You can have that. That's got to be worth 50 quid. 557 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,270 Look, I will pay you what she owes you. Can you just leave? 558 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:46,550 No, I'm dealing with this. 559 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:48,880 You go upstairs and look after your sick kid. 560 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:52,350 Ivy's sick? 561 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:55,120 Julia, why didn't you cancel the party? 562 00:26:57,360 --> 00:26:59,520 Well, why didn't you just not come? 563 00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:07,550 Anyway. It was supposed to be a drop-off, so, you know, 564 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,200 quid pro quo. 565 00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:16,560 Kevin, if you could just hand out the party bags, thank you. 566 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:27,360 Thanks for clearing up, Mum. 567 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:31,790 - That's all right. - I feel terrible. 568 00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:34,350 Don't be so hard on yourself. 569 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,080 Kids get sick. Mothers make mistakes. 570 00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:39,880 Come here. 571 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:48,910 Can you babysit next week? 572 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:49,990 No. 573 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:51,760 Unbelievable!