How did I get here?
Will someone please tell me how I got here?!
- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com -
_
Well, well, well. Ms. Watson.
Doesn't this place look fine as cream gravy?
Well, that's mighty kind of you, sir.
And aren't you lookin' right as rain?
Well, thank you, little lady.
Spit-shined my spurs 'specially for the hoedown.
This is my favorite event of year.
Mine too! I look forward to this magical night
all the school year long.
Might I say you look pretty
as a prize-winnin' pony,
which leads me to, do you have
yourself a date for this fine night?
Oh, I will be accompanied to the dance tonight.
Well.
Sounds like you're gonna be
busy as a June bug in, uh...
Well, like a bug festival.
I don't know. I... I love the hoedown.
Gotta go.
That headset makes you look like you
should be working in an Arby's drive-thru.
It's for my performance tonight, Deb.
I didn't know you sang.
Uh, yeah, it's actually really easy.
And tonight, one of my students, George,
is bringing his super-famous dad,
97.2's The Howler.
The morning DJ?!
I won a $60 gas card from that guy!
I called in, and he correctly guessed my cup size.
It was remarkable.
I sent him my demo, and George said,
and I quote, I have "amazing potential."
Really? He's super hard to impress.
He's like the Simon Cowell of radio, except super fat.
You can hear how fat he is on the radio.
Ew. Why are you dressed like Deb?
I'm in mourning.
Hot Dad and I will never be together because...
You slammed into his sliding glass door?
Sucked on his face while teaching sex-ed?
Popped your hymen jumping over a hurdle?
No. Because Hot Dad and his wife are back together.
I was gonna ask him to the hoedown,
and we would've had our first dance
at the social event of the school year.
But now that's ruined.
I can't eat, I can't sleep,
and I haven't been to church since Sunday.
It's Monday.
Deb, why don't you go slit your wrists
like you're always threatening to?
I'm sorry.
I'm obviously not doing well.
Look, just because Hot Dad's wife is back in town
doesn't mean they're together again.
Just call a parent-teacher conference
and find out if he's single.
That's what I do with all my good-looking dads.
That's a great idea. I gotta go.
And make sure to dress like your version of a hooker!
She's still gonna look like a
12-year-old boy in Grandma drag.
I don't know why everyone gets so excited
about this stupid dance every year.
I know. Who decided the hoedown
was the high point of the year? I hate school dances.
Yeah, they're bullshit.
Prissy, pre-teen girls waiting around
for a bunch of brain-dead jocks to pick them out
like some stuffed doll they've won in a carnival game.
You never got asked to a dance, did you?
- No. - Me neither.
My best friend Christy Zwicky and
I always used to make plans to have a girls' night instead,
but then she'd blow me off for a guy.
- Damn. What a bitch. - Yeah.
... the hoedown.
I'm not going this year.
Me neither. You know what?
Let's have a girls' night. We should hang out.
We can drink wine, paint...
Is that what women do together?
Weird.
Okay, I'm in.
So the thing about our solar system is that
everything revolves around the sun.
If you think about,
I'm kinda like the sun.
Why are you like the sun?
- Because I'm a star. - So you're over 4 billion years old?
That's strike one, Nora.
Okay, enough science. Who cares?
Tonight, when you take the
stage as my backup dancers,
you will move around me
like the planets revolve around the sun.
However, you will not eclipse me.
We want George's dad, The Howler, to see Ms. Snap shine.
He will be there tonight, right, George?
I told you a million times. Yes.
Oh, my God.
That's crazy. This is really my chance.
Okay, I don't want to put pressure on you people,
but if this doesn't go well, I will probably kill myself.
"To the coolest lady with red hair,
"when you're around, I can't help but stare.
"I hope you will give this student a chance
"and be my date at tonight's hoedown dance.
"Sincerely, your secret admirer."
Hello, sir. Nice hat.
Thank you. I love a good pinch front crease.
Feldman?! What are you doing?
I'm driving for Lyft.
But before you freak out,
I'm only driving through lunch, gym, art,
and my prep period, so technically,
I am not doing anything wrong.
Do you do this all the time?
Only when I'm short on rent.
So yeah, I do it all the time.
And we are off to...
Pamper Me Royally Day Spa?
Oh, what?
I want to look good for the dance, so sue me.
Guess what, gang.
We are gonna take an early recess today.
Doesn't that sound fun?
Off you go.
Come on. Quick like bunnies.
Ms. Bennigan. Hello.
Hot Dad.
Hey there, mister, mister!
You look nice.
This old thing?
I found this at the bottom of a shoebox.
A shoebox?
Okay.
Well, I'm glad that you called me in.
I've actually been wanting to talk with you.
- You have? - As you know,
Blake's mom is back in town,
and we've been talking a lot.
- And we've decided... - Ugh!
Sorry, I'm late.
Apparently you can't vape on school grounds.
Hot mess.
And Blake's been making friends in class
despite his age and drastic size difference.
That's great. But is there a problem?
Well, that depends.
Did you both come here in the same car?
- What? - Hmm?
I'm kidding.
No. There's no problem.
I'm just having unnecessary conferences
with all the parents, but in the future,
should I call you?
Or you?
Or will you be in your house together,
till death do you part, so I only need to call one of you?
- Um, you can just call me. - Okay! Great.
'Cause that's what I'm used to. And I'd hate to
have to break my routine, you know what I mean, Sharon?
Okay, well, we should get going.
Back to the home you both share?
- I'm sorry, what was that? - Huh? What?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
- We'll see you tonight. - Tonight?
Yeah, we're chaperoning the hoedown together.
Of course you are.
Together.
Okay, bye-bye.
Okay.
Oh, do you wanna hit up Burger Squeeze?
All fried apps are half-price before 3:00 p.m.
and I am jonesing for an onion ring tower!
Kill me.
I know we're so excited for the hoedown,
and I'm sure you're all probably wondering,
who is Ms. Watson taking to the dance tonight?
We assumed you were going alone.
Don't play with me today, Marco.
Let's just say it's not who I'm taking,
it's what I'm taking.
I'll give you a hint:
I'm sure your stomachs are "churning"
- in anticipation. - Huh?
Ta-da!
Isn't it a beaut?
Your date's an old-timey toilet plunger?
No, it's called a butter churn.
My ancestors brought it over
a little ship called "The Mayflower."
Ever heard of it?
I almost never take it out
of its climate-controlled storage space,
but I thought that the Fillmore Hoedown
was an event worthy of such an exception.
So... you're welcome.
Cool. Can I play with it?
Absolutely not.
The acid on your fingers could deteriorate the patina.
Okay, I can't have you coughing near this.
You gotta get out of here, Marco.
Hi, Michael.
I'm really excited about tonight.
I was thinking we could watch
"How Stella Got Her Groove Back."
Spoiler alert: she does.
Hello? Deb?
Gets her groove back, Yeah. Totally.
Hi, Dan.
Which one of these boys do you
think is most likely to invite
someone older and more mature to the dance?
What?
Nothing.
Ooh, you know what else?
We should prank call Christy Zwicky.
Richard. Tobias. Nelson.
How y'all doin'?
Countdown to infamy
in three, two, one...
? Snap outta my life, boy ?
? Snap outta my life ?
? Snap outta my life, boy ?
? Snap outta my life ?
? I asked you for diamonds ?
? I asked you for pearl... ?
Oh, my God, stop.
It's not that hard, people.
Nora, you were off-tempo the entire time.
I have an ear infection, Ms. Snap.
I can't hear very well.
That's not an excuse.
Mozart was deaf and he wrote a
whole bunch of famous songs.
I think you mean Beethoven.
The dog from the movie?
Don't be an idiot, Nora.
Tony, hit it.
? Snap outta my life, boy ?
? Snap outta my life ?
? I asked you for a fur ?
? I asked you for two furs ?
? You gave me nothing ?
My back!
Not today!
Feldman? What are you doing here?
Who's teaching your class?
They're at gym.
Why are you going to the mall?
I thought you said that place was where kids
with over-protective parents go to get fingered.
- Forget. - Huh? Come on, man.
You can tell me.
Lyft cone of silence.
Fine.
I need to buy a dress.
Just drive.
What are you doing?
Mary-Louise, I can't take this anymore.
We both know we want this.
You okay?
No.
I can't go to the hoedown tonight
and see Hot Dad and his wife together. It'll kill me.
You need to have a threesome with them.
It'll help you understand their love
and allow you to let go of some of this anxiety.
I'll just end up watching them
make love while I eat onion rings.
You're both idiots.
What you need to do is make him jealous.
Find a date for tonight, put on a really low-cut top,
take a bunch of photos from a really high angle,
and then post them Instagram
with the hashtag "Best Night Ever."
Yes! I know a ton of hot guys from Bible camp.
Like Jebediah! He modeled for Modest Swimwear.
Ooh, or Abraham, if he hasn't succumbed
to the allure of the gay lifestyle again.
Ms. Watson.
Is that a 17th-century butter churn?
With an original dash staff?
Why, yes. Yes, it is.
I can see you're busy
with this handsome piece of American history.
It's a good thing I didn't ask
you to the dance tonight.
Gotta scoot.
Come on, partners!
Hitch up your horses and
get boots a-stompin'!
Oh, hi, Chelsea,
did you come to learn from this
- relic from our nation's his... - No. Nobody cares.
George. Where's your dad?
He's parking the car and brought a producer.
What are you doing?
I capturing every detail of the
moment my life changed forever.
Now go rehears with the others.
And make sure Nora's in the back.
The way back.
Oh, what? She's dead weight and you know it.
What are those?
Muscle relaxants, Mom.
Chill out. My back is killing me.
Howdy, gals.
Mary-Louise! Wow.
- You look beautiful. - Thank you.
- Where's your date? - Oh, I'm meeting him here.
All the guys from church are at
a men's-only retreat in San Francisco.
So my friend, Mary Catherine,
offered to set me up with a guy from her Bible study.
Mary-Louise!
I'm Jerry! I'm your date!
Oh Mylanta.
I knew I couldn't trust Mary Catherine.
She's 70, and her only job at
church is to light the candles.
What am I gonna do?
If you're lucky, he'll just die.
By golly, Mary Catherine said you were pretty,
but she didn't tell me you looked like Doris Day.
Who?
This is Cecelia. Reduce,
re-use, and leave a message.
Hey, girl, just calling to let you know
that I'm feeling super sick.
Don't think I'm gonna make it out tonight.
Damien!
Where's the good razor?!
You seem very nice, Jerry,
but I think Mary Catherine made a goof.
Oh, Ms. Bennigan, hello.
Hey, girlfriend.
Hello, my friends.
- Who's this? - I'm her date.
Oh.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
A younger woman! Good for you.
Jerry and I were just leaving.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
It's so early. I want to hang out.
And I want to hear how you two met.
Does anyone want a beverage?
I brought a little something-something
to give it a kick!
Would you like to see an artifact?
It's a true piece of Americana.
Americana? It's nothing but a dumb-ass butter churn.
And that tiny hat is stupid.
Are you my secret admir...
Hi, do you happen to be my...
No?
... my life.
Scoot.
So...
I hope you didn't double-park your horse.
No, I always valet my horse.
You rode a horse here?
No. We were joking, right?
Oh. Yeah. Yee-haw!
Damn, they don't have any sugar-free drinks here.
I need my insulin.
- Hold this. - What?
What are you doing? Oh...
So...
Was it love at first sight?
Gosh, no.
The love of my life?
I met her when I was serving in Pyongyang.
Incoming!
Run, Song-Mi!
Don't let 'em get to the water supply!
Get on your feet, freaks!
My muscles are relaxed!
Countdown to infamy.
In three, two, one...
? Snap outta my life, boy ?
? Snap outta my life ?
- Oh, no. - ? Snap outta my life, boy ?
? Snap outta my life ?
? I asked you for diamonds ?
? I asked you for pearls ?
? You gave me nothing ?
- ? So get out of my life ? - Ms. Snap, this is a hoedown!
? Snap outta my life, boy ?
? Snap outta my life ?
- ? Snap outta my life, boy ? - Okay, okay, Chelsea...
Okay, don't touch it!
That's a 17th-century butter churn!
Please get off of it! Get off of it!
Noooo!
George?!
Where's your dad? Where's The Howler?
- Did he see that? - He walked out.
You ruined my life.
How many men did we lose?
None, Jerry.
We're not in Korea.
The hell we're not!
Come on, let's get you home.
I'll call you a Lyft.
Cute couple.
- Feldman?! - Surge prices, dude!
- I had a lovely time. - Yup!
Wait, is that a Lyft?
Mrs. Adler?
Hi, Corey.
Are you...?
Yeah, I'm sorry I'm late.
My dad made me clean up my room before I left.
May I have this dance?
What happened?
What are you doing here?
Deb and I were supposed to have a girls' night
but she got sick, so I decided
to come see how lame this was.
Oh, hell no! I got Zwicki'd?!
Ms. Cannon!
- Come dance with us. - What?
Come dance with us!
- You sure? - Yeah, come on!
Okay.
Ms. Watson?
I know I'm not as exciting
as a colonial butter churn,
but will you do me the honor?
Do you know how to do the Virginia Reel?
I hope so.
My people came over on "The Mayflower."
Hey, Ms. Bennigan.
I-is Jerry okay?
Yeah. He's fine.
He's not my date.
That's what I figured.
But it was nice of you to let him think that.
Where's Sharon?
She left.
She left in the middle of your date?
It wasn't a date.
That's what I was trying to tell you this morning.
Sharon and I aren't together.
We're just working on trying
to co-parent Blake.
Oh. Your relationship didn't work out.
That's great!
I-I mean, not great for you,
but great for someone like me.
I'm gonna stop talking now.
May I have this dance?
Will someone please tell me how I got here?!
Hey, sweet-tits.
You passed out last night before we could do it.
How about a quickie now before we leave, huh?
- Uh... - Hey, dude.
Dropped you off here last night.
Figured you might need a ride to school this morning.
Threesome maybe?
You'll be back.
They always come back.
- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com -