Teaching us kids about male/female relationships wasn't something
that was on grown folks' agenda in the '60s.
Kids were to be seen and not heard.
Especially at the "Blue Light Special" parties my parents had been throwing
since they were all "on the yard" together at Tuskegee A&M.
Hey, Bruce! I'm empty!
My brother, Bruce, being the oldest,
was given certain tasks.
- What do you think you're doing? - I just want to see what's going on.
Girl, stop being fast and get back to your room.
- But Bruce... - But nothing.
If you don't get back in that house right now...
Now that girl thinks she grown, huh?
She gets it from her grandmama.
And not her mama?
Who needed sexy dancing when you have baseball cards?
I can't wait to be old enough to know what they do out there.
Why? They're grownups.
They don't know what real fun is.
Manager cards.
Okay, Cory, if you trade Brad your Jim Fregosi,
Brad can trade Sam his Bill Freeman,
and I'll just take this Hank Aaron, I guess.
I think we have a deal here, fellas.
Wait, who are you giving up?
Well, I really don't want to do this,
but I guess I can get rid of my Bert Campaneris.
Who's Bert Campaneris?
"Who's Bert Campaneris?"
Only the utility infielder for the Oakland A's
that hit .232 with four doubles
and six hit by pitches last season.
I don't know, man.
My mom told me not to trade with you anymore
after you took that Willie Mays card off my hand
because he "ruined it" by signing it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I trading with Cory or Cory's mom?
Do you ask your mom to cut your steak, too?
Yeah, actually. She does it the best.
I'll take the Bert Campaneris.
Finally. Someone who's his own man.
Now, let's see, who do I want in return?
Carl Yes-sturm-ski?
That's a weird name.
Guess I could take this one off your hands.
The next day, I couldn't wait to get back to school
and unload my Marv Throneberry card.
What gives? You guys trading baseball cards without me...?
Baseball cards are for boys, Dean.
These...
These are for men.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Seeing those magazines gave me a feeling
no baseball card ever could.
Until then, the raciest thing I'd seen
was employees changing the clothes
on a female mannequin at Woolworths.
And frankly, its lack of detail
left me with more questions than answers.
Where did you guys get these?
From our dads' secret stashes.
If I don't see it, it's not a sin.
You've seen nudie magazines before, right?
- Of course he has. - Yes, of course.
Why's he sweating so much?
A fever?
Lucky for him, his wife's a nurse.
I'd never felt this way before.
It was exciting, titillating, taboo.
But I had to play it cool in front of the guys.
Which became a lot easier after Hampton passed out.
He's fine.
This happened in biology class, too.
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Mom? Dad?
You guys home from work yet?
In the '60s, you could count on Black men
for all kinds of things.
Being able to dress.
Being able to fix a car.
Unfortunately, you could also count on them
to know exactly where to hide things.
Instead of a will, my dad left us a map.
- _ - Getting warmer.
Getting colder.
Boy, was I wrong.
I was determined to find his stash of magazines.
All the drawings and homemade cards we'd given them over the years.
Mr. Giggles? Wait.
Mama told me he moved to a farm after I dropped him in the toilet that time.
The betrayal.
So many memories.
So many precious...
Oh, boobs.
Jackpot.
I mean, sure, these were pretty tame by today's standards,
but back then, nothing was hotter thanMahogany Love.
Stay out of grown folks' business, Mr. Giggles.
I just couldn't wait to show them the magazines I found.
Hampton was definitely gonna pass out again.
'Sup, fellas?
Who wants to do less talking,
- and more looking, know what I'm saying? - Whoa, Dean!
Nice!
Keep it down.
Haven't you ever seen a girlie magazine before?
What are you waiting for? Let's see 'em.
Be cool.
Hey, Dean.
Did you get... taller?
Naw, baby. Just more mature.
Yeah.
What the hell was that?
- Cool. - Man.
- Awsome. - Great.
Guys, should we be hogging the bathroom?
You know, in case someone has to go?
These are even better than Brett's.
Yeah. Great job, Dean.
These are primo. It's the good stuff.
My dad would leave my mom if he saw this.
Yeah. My dad's a real pervert.
What you guys looking at?
Let's see this.
That's the good stuff!
Yeah.
Hey, whose are these?
Mine.
Righteous. Gimme some skin.
Ah, that's the bell.
I'm on duty now.
Fun's over, boys.
I'm gonna have to confiscate these magazines.
What? Confiscate?
What happened to righteous?
And the skin we gave each other?
Sorry. That was "Fun Mike."
Now I'm "Hall Monitor Mike."
Hall Monitor Mike knows that this
is a violation of school policy.
- Come on. - I was busted.
I knew this meant a trip to the principal's office.
But I couldn't show fear in front of the guys.
Which, again, Hampton made easier.
He's fine. This happened in detention, too.
Well, I'm so sorry again.
Thanks for letting me know.
Don't worry. This boy gonna get a good talking to.
I had to call because the school has a very clear policy on this,
but, boys will be boys.
And, this is the good stuff.
You usually have to go to a liquor store to find these.
That response is to be expected in a decade
when "mechanic" was a viable career path to junior high principal.
There was one more.
So...
We need to talk about what just happened.
Here it comes. The pre-whooping talk,
where they explain why they have to whoop you and pretend like they don't enjoy it.
Daddy, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to...
How 'bout we keep what happened between us men?
Really?
This was the first time my dad ever referred to me as a man.
I felt like he had given me admission
into the most super-secret club there is.
Drink it in, Dean.
You're in "The Club" now.
_
Now that I'd seen those photos of naked women,
I couldn't focus on anything anymore.
You're thinking about what my boobs look like, aren't you, Dean?
No. I swear I wasn't.
That's not why I risked my life saving thousands of innocent lives.
Pull yourself together.
Going to the store. Back in 20.
Dean!
What the hell are you doing?
Please don't be mad at Dad.
He told me not to look at his magazines.
Your father knows about this?
And he said these were his?
He said it's just between us men.
He did, did he?
Well, looks like the three of us need to have a little talk.
I hadn't been in the man club for a day,
and I'd already committed the cardinal sin
of letting Mama know about Dad's secret stash.
_
It's a shame he ain't ready.
And then he told me they were your magazines
and this was supposed to be between the men.
So you did hear that part.
I know I wasn't supposed to do it.
I know they're dirty.
I tried to think about other things,
but I couldn't get those pictures out of my head.
Stupid sexy Harriet Tubman.
Okay, let's get one thing clear, Dean.
The feelings that you have when you see those magazines
are natural.
They are not dirty.
I don't want you to ever feel guilty
or ashamed of what you're feeling.
So, I think it's time that we talk with you about sex.
Maybe it was time for me to die.
Can't we just whoop the boy like God intended?
- Yeah, Mama, I'll take the whooping. - I'd rather us talk about it.
Why do you always wanna talk?
Women don't know anything about this stuff.
What stuff?
Nudie magazines and stuff.
Those magazines aren't your father's.
They're mine.
At that moment, it felt like time almost stood still.
Why would you want to look at magazines like those?
You remember when your father would be on the road with the band a lot?
Well, I would miss him.
Are there pictures of him in those magazines?
No. Not exactly.
But there are pictures of couples.
And some of the men would remind me of your dad.
We even used to look at them together.
So, you don't anymore?
I guess we haven't in a while.
Why'd you stop?
Well... Well, you all were getting older
and we both were pretty busy with work.
Yeah, you know, with teaching and tenure.
And I was going up for that new promotion, more hours...
So, all that makes you not miss each other anymore?
That's not important.
I just want you to understand that this is all normal and healthy.
For men and women.
O-Okay.
Good.
Any more questions?
Great. Now that that's done, who wants dinner?
Well, since you asked,
I did overhear some older kids talking the other day.
What's a period?
Damn it, Lillian!
- Okay. A period... - In the '60s,
most women didn't openly talk about sex,
but Mama was always ahead of the curve.
She was the first Black woman in her hometown to learn how to drive.
She was the first Black woman in her hometown to go to college.
And I can't prove this one, but I'm fairly certain
she was the first Black woman in the neighborhood
to own a cardboard box chock-full of porn.
One day, there is going to be a woman that you love,
and knowing this about the opposite sex
is gonna make you a more open and caring partner.
Most men have no idea about the female sex drive,
and I don't want you to turn out like them.
True.
Wait, in this scenario, is Dean most men, or am I?
All I'm saying is I know this isn't what you were expecting to hear from a woman,
especially your mom,
but I don't think it's too much for me to ask
that my son grow up to be a caring and tender man.
- I'll be taking these. - Aren't you forgetting the "just like his father" part?
"Just like your father." It was implied.
Mom and Dad gave you the talk, didn't they?
What talk?
The "Let's ruin the fun of thinking about sex" talk.
Yeah, it was pretty weird.
Yeah, they gave me the same one a few years ago.
Yeah.
Mama said that the dirty ma...
I mean "adult" magazines I found were hers.
Wait, Mom has nudie magazines?
The same mom that made me get baptized again for wearing a bikini?
She got baptized again, alright,
but trust me, it wasn't just about the bikini.
What else did they tell you?
That the baby comes out the...
Yeah.
And that if you don't use birth control, you get a...
Bruce.
But did Dad warn you that not even the pill will keep a girl from getting pregnant
if she has sex before she graduates college?
No.
Of course he didn't.
He saved the lies for me.
Dad!
I had been equipped with knowledge much beyond my years.
And with great knowledge comes great responsibility.
Responsibility to show my friends how much I knew.
Wait, so when are we gonna get our periods?
No, you idiot. It's for girls.
How did you find all this out?
My mom told me.
You talk about this with your mom?
Yep. She said that girls like guys who know this kind of stuff,
and she wants to make sure I'm a good husband one day.
I bet you guys didn't even know
girls look at these magazines, too.
- No way! - Yeah. It's true.
Women look at them because it reminds them of their husbands.
Now that I had clearly surpassed the studly-ness of the guys,
I thought I'd take what I learned from Mama
and use it to help me get closer to Keisa.
She was about to see just how knowledgeable I was
about women and their urges.
Hey, Keisa,
you're never gonna believe what I just found out.
What I didn't expect to find out
was how hard Keisa's right cross was.
Dean, what happened?
All I did was tell everybody the stuff you told me.
Mrs. Williams.
So, as I told you each on the phone,
we caught Dean sharing an awful lot of
detailed personals with Keisa.
Well, I just want to say how embarrassed we are at Dean's actions.
Well, unfortunately, that doesn't change the fact
that my little girl was forced to listen to that smut.
Where did he even hear this filth?
Who knows? Boys will be boys.
He claimed he heard it from you.
- Thank you. - How are you raising your children?
Now because of you, not only was my daughter exposed to...
Ears!
sex,
now my wife has to sit here and hear about it.
There's no telling what perverse thoughts this puts in Keisa's mind.
She could be scarred for life,
all because your little boy
want to sit and expose her to things he saw in...
Ears!
pornographies.
All I wanted was for my mom to set this guy straight.
I wanted her to explain to him the same thing she explained to me,
that it's not dirty, it's all normal.
Well, some of the ratios of the women
in the middle pages may not have been normal.
I'm sorry you have to sit here and hear all this... talk.
Get him, Mama. Tell him how women like this stuff, too.
I'm so, so sorry, too.
But when Mama didn't put him in his place,
I began to understand why.
Keisa's dad was an example
of the type of man my mama didn't want me to be.
As awful as I thought my family's talk was,
I realized it wasn't nearly as bad
as the talk Keisa's family wasn't having.
And in that moment,
I was so proud to have a membership card in Mama's club.
How 'bout I take Dean home
and give him a good, long talking to.
Maybe let your husband handle it.
Thank you for the advice.
Now, there's no need to tell your father about all this.
Really?
Even sexually liberated women
hate hearing their husbands say, "I told you so."
As good as it felt for my friends to think I was mature,
it felt even better for my parents to treat me that way.
Don't you touch that radio, boy. You ain't grown.
Yes, ma'am.
And I'm dedicated to my profession and skilled in it,
and what's more, I can handle even the most exacting demands
of a mean, gruff old man with the heartwarming manners
of a wounded moose.
No.
I caught my parents looking at porn.
If this was the Old Testament, we'd all be stoned.
- Dean? - What are you doing?
Just staying out of grown folks' business.
Well, come on down here and look at how handsome your father looked on our wedding day.
I better have. That suit cost half a Buick.
Look at the time.
People must already be here.
Girl, when's the last time you had one of these?
It's been a while, for sure.
Watch it now.
Don't mess around and have no more babies over here.
Dean! I'm empty!
This was it.
I'd finally gotten the call to the Big Leagues.
My hands were shaking nervously,
but thankfully, that just helped mix the drink more.
Don't you care what they're doing out there?
Why? They're grownups.
Everything they do is boring.
It took me many years to truly appreciate
what our little talk did for me,
but thanks to my mom and dad, I wouldn't grow up to be
a person with his head buried in the sand like Keisa's dad,
or countless others I'd encounter over the years.
Thanks to them, I'd grow up to be
a tender, caring man, like Mama wanted.
And as it turned out,
someone her future daughter-in-law appreciated too.
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