Prudence, you have gotta come outside! I've just seen the biggest rock!
- Zeke. - Prudence, I'm so sorry. I thought you were decent.
Oh, it's okay. They're just ankles.
Wanna help me cool them off?
Prudence, you're a married woman.
Come on, Zekey.
Use that big Bible
to cool off my hot little ankles.
Like, um...
Like this?
Mmm, yeah, that's good.
I can't believe this is actually happening.
- More. - Your ankles are so bony.
- The bone really juts out. - Faster.
More. Oh, Zeke!
- Zeke. Zeke. - Zeke! Zeke!
Zeke. Wake up, man.
You were thrashing around in your sleep.
Oh, right. Sorry.
I wasn't saying anything, was I?
Nope.
Except you did say, "I'm horny for ankles."
That could mean almost anything.
- No, it can't. - No, it can't.
Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com
Oh, I hate this leg of the trip.
Why did Thomas Jefferson
have to buy this shit piece of land?
Please don't get started on Thomas Jefferson again.
- Well, he was a crook. - Oh, here we go.
Ah, they're all crooks.
But the Whig party on the other hand,
now they're the party of the people.
I don't think we should talk politics.
A million and eleven,
a million and twelve...
a million, thirteen...
a million, sign.
Sign!
- Hey, look! - Whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.
Hey, look, it's a sign.
Yeah! Branchwater.
Oh, that is the nastiest saloon town I've ever been to.
And this is coming from a guy who spent New Year's
at the Alabama Ass Factory.
- Ooh. - Sounds wild. Let's go!
No, no, guys, if we're trying
to get to Oregon before winter,
we do not have time for a detour.
Come on, Zeke.
These people need a break. I need a break.
It'll be good for morale.
- I don't know. - Please?
Come on, please, please, please, please, please?
Please, please, please, please.
Oh... yes. Okay, one. One night. That's it.
Hey folks! We're going to Branchwater!
Yes!
Hyah!
Well, well, well.
You see that, Angela?
Looks like we're heading to Branchwater.
Oh, Angela! Did you fart again?
I told you to stop eating dairy!
All right, folks, we made it!
It's party time!
I'm getting so drunk, I'm gonna piss myself.
Me too, honey.
Are you coming in?
No, I'm just gonna wait by the wagon
and protect my soul from eternal damnation.
But you have fun. Come on!
I just want to party with my best friend.
And ooh! Wait. Do I hear God?
"Zeke, I command thee to have fun
for once in your life."
No, that's deeply sacrilegious, Pru.
"And buy Prudence shots. Lots and lots of shots."
As I said, no thanks.
A place like this is no place for a reverend.
All right, fine.
You know, you should try to loosen up.
Just once. I don't know. You might like it.
The Bible is what I like.
"These are the names of the sons of Abraham,
"according to their families, after their places,
by their names."
Fun.
Fun, fun, fun.
All right, folks.
I say we hit the bar first,
and then we check out the brothel.
Oh, I am so sorry. Unfortunately,
- we are at capacity right now. - Capacity?
They used to pack this place
tighter than a sardine barrel.
Oh, you're one of the old-timers.
Yeah, the Oregon Trail
brought in a ton of new customers,
so management made a few changes
to appeal to a wider clientele.
But if you want to wait by the gift shop,
I'll let you know as soon as some space opens up.
Gift shop?
Key chains? T-shirts?
"The Original Devil's Taint Cookbook"?
What the hell happened to this place?
It totally sold out.
Hairy bastard!
Is that what passes as a saloon brawl these days?
Pretty weak.
Looks like some space just opened up.
- Enjoy. - Let's go.
"And though shalt know that I am the Lord."
Whoo! Evenin', my lad!
What's a handsome young fella like you
doing here all alone instead of out on the town?
Oh, well, no, it's not really my scene.
I'm... I'm... I'm a reverend.
Then we both do the Lord's work.
I peddle miracle cures.
- I'm a snake oil salesman. - Snake oil?
Um... no offense, but,
- isn't that just a bunch of hokum? - Not at all.
Snake oil is a potent aphrodisiac.
Might come in handy with that young missus
I saw you with earlier?
Oh, that lady's not my missus.
We're just friends.
My mistake. Snake oil is not merely an aphrodisiac,
it's also quite good with hair loss.
Oh. I don't have that issue.
Well, what do you got? Back pain?
- No. - Tennis elbow?
- No. - The pox.
- No, not yet. - Burgundy stool.
- No. - Uh, anxiety?
Oh, my friend did just tell me
I could stand to loosen up a bit.
That's what snake oil is for!
But don't take my word for it.
Here. Try one of my samples.
See for yourself.
Thank you.
Oh. Oh, that's good.
Yeah. Oh, it's got an aftertaste.
Yeah, kinda snakey.
Now you only need a little bit.
Just one or two drops
- ought to do it. - Mmm!
Hey, man. Don't tell me how to live my life.
Shit, this stuff's great.
- Are you gonna be all right here? - Oh, yes.
I'll just amuse myself by looking at the pretty bottles.
All right, I'm gonna go find the poker table,
throw some cash around with the big boys.
Wish me luck.
Hey, barkeep. Whiskey.
And so that is why
I raised the prices on the Tijuana Coochie Twist.
Finally, girl. That move is worth it.
Um, excuse me.
Are you ladies women of the night?
It's the 1840s.
The preferred term is whores.
Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to offend you... whores.
I just think what you do is so amazing.
It's always sounded so exotic.
Well, would you want to give it a try?
What? No!
Me? Come... really?
Come on, let's just get you into a dress.
We have one exactly your size.
One of the girls was just stabbed to death in it.
Oh. Just my luck.
Excuse me, boys.
You mind if I join?
This ain't no game for a gentleman.
I may be a gentleman,
but, uh... whew.
My friends here...
well, they play real dirty.
Take a seat.
Interesting.
All in.
Full house.
Shit!
That's...
Okay. Let me just, um...
Okay.
Now I'm focused.
I'm sorry, madam,
this prostitution menu is ridiculous.
There's too many choices.
I remember when all you could order
was a 2-buck pump and dump.
And that was all you needed.
Benny the Teen.
Choose your last words carefully,
because this time, there'll be no escape.
Whoopsie! I'll take that.
This is a no-shooting establishment after 6:00.
You can grab your gun from the valet
on your way out. Thank you so much!
Cute hat.
I'm sorry, what the hell?
I know! This place sucks now.
What the?
Almost done! And...
Voila.
Oh, my God. I look like a whore.
And I love it!
Girl, you're like a young Betsy Ross,
but like, a whore.
Ha, ha!
Howdy, folks. Somebody order a party?
- Reverend Brown? - Farmer John! Looking sexy!
Granny McGill, we are doing shots later
and you're not getting out of it.
Zeke, is that you?
Your first client!
Whoa, Prude! Is that you?
What do you think? Just a little something
I picked up from a dead whore's closet.
Thought you were waiting in the wagon.
Hmm, well, yes, I was. But then,
I had a little bit of this snake oil,
and now I'm feeling good.
Reverend Brown gettin' down with snake oil?
- What would Jesus think? - Bleagh!
Who cares what he thinks? Aah!
I've lived my whole life with all those rules
and restrictions. I've been such a dork, right?
- I mean, yeah, a little. - Yeah!
I just want to scream it out to the world...
Reverend Ezekiel Brown is a big fat dork!
Oh, my God! Stop.
- But don't. I love it. - You hearing that music?
Is it coming from the piano or is it coming
- straight from my heart? - Do you want to dance?
No, Prudence, I don't want to dance.
I need to dance.
I mean, what the hell happened to this place?
Used to be you could come in any night of the week
and you'd find Three-Fingered Joe
strangling anyone who looked at him sideways.
- Oh, Dirty Dick Bob. - Right?
Sticking his you-know-what
into whatever hole he could find.
Kids these days are buying cowboy hats
with bullet holes already in them.
- You're kidding! - No!
Sorry for that long wait. Now what can I get you?
I'll have a steak, bloody.
- Make that two. - Ooh, sorry.
We actually stopped carrying steak.
- No steak? - We do have shishito peppers,
that are lightly drizzled with Ortega cheese,
that are just absolutely mmm!
All right, that's it. I've had enough!
That's what's wrong with this country today!
You make everything clean and nice
and pretty for everyone, but then you lose
what makes it cool and authentic and real!
I want the grit! I want the soul!
- Yeah! - Most of all, I want my goddamn steak!
Do you want to speak to the manager?
Yes, I'd like to speak to the manager, thank you.
Ho ho, that was great!
Was the fist slam too much?
No, it was perfect.
Ow.
Well, it has not been my night.
I almost had you on that last hand.
Just... Okay.
Hoo! Finally.
Okay, looks like my ship has come in.
- I'll raise. - Sorry, pardner,
but you got nothing left to raise with.
I have more money, in my wagon.
Well, I'm good for it. I swear.
I'll take the gentleman's word for it. Let's see.
Four aces.
Read 'em and weep, you filthy bastards!
Not so fast.
Five aces.
What? How is that even possible?
Hold on.
- Twelve aces. - Dang it!
I do not understand the rules of this game.
Gentlemen, you wanted to speak with the manager?
You're damn right we want to...
- Dirty Dick Bob? - Benny the Teen?
Bounty hunter with no name?
How the hell are you guys?
We were just talking about you!
- What? - How'd they let a nasty pervert
like Dirty Dick Bob run a slick joint like this?
Actually, it's Dirty Dick Robert now.
I run the front of the house,
and my wife handles the books.
- You have a wife? - I sure do.
I can't believe it! You used to stick your dick
into anything that moved!
And plenty of stuff that didn't!
Yes, I did fornicate with objects,
but you can't stay young forever.
Eventually you gotta grow up
and start having a real life.
But enough about me. What have you guys been up to?
Oh, you know, mostly the same stuff.
You know, chasing this guy.
Yeah, the same. Being chased by him.
Wow, so you guys are still doing that whole thing.
Well, cool. Very cool.
I'd love to stay and chat,
but I should get back to work.
Sure, but maybe we could all hang out sometime.
Maybe. It... it's difficult with the kids and all.
Hostess, more shishito peppers over here!
On the house!
Huh.
Yeah.
My skin feels electric.
Touch it! It's electric, right?
Why can't it be like this forever?
I don't want to go to stupid Oregon and be a boring wife.
Shh! Shh! Shush your mouth right now.
- I'm shushing. - Nothing has to change after this trip.
It's your life, and you can do whatever you want to do,
and be whoever you want to be.
You're right. Thanks, Zeke.
I have an idea.
Why don't we do some more snake oil?
Are you sure you need any more?
- We're already having fun. - But think about it...
If we're having fun now, things will be extra fun
with more snake oil! That's just basic math.
- Still a pass for me. Thanks, though. - Oh, all right, Mom.
More yum-yums for Freaky Zekey.
Whoa, easy, champ.
Okay, Zeke, no. Come on.
You need to take it down, like, so many notches.
- You're acting out of control. - Out of control? No.
I am in control for the first time in my life.
There are no consequences to my actions. I'm free!
You're next, Ezekiel.
Ahh! The devil has come for my soul!
I just meant his song request is next.
Zeke.
Maybe my girlfriend's right.
Maybe I do come on too strong.
Can you believe Dirty Dick Bob sold out?
- What a loser, huh? - I don't know, Benny.
What if we're the losers?
What are you talking about? We're the only real ones left.
- Remember? - Are we?
Look at us.
We're doing the same thing
we were doing since we were kids.
We don't have families or houses or real jobs.
It's kinda pathetic, isn't it?
Let me ask you something... do you love it?
- Oh, stop it. - Do you love it?
Of course I love it.
But there comes a time when you have to move on.
Leave childish things behind.
I'm hanging up my hat.
Maybe you should, too.
Dingus.
Zeke.
- Ooh. - Todd.
I... I didn't expect you to see me like this.
Sorry, whore, I don't have time for your cheap tricks.
I just gambled away my entire fortune.
- You did what? - Yeah, don't tell the missus.
Anyway, I gotta get out of here quick
before those big stinkin' lugs find me.
I've been looking all over for you.
The only thing I'm looking for is your blood.
What's going on?
?? She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes ??
Holy smokes! Is that the reverend?
What's he doing up there?
Look at those dead shark eyes.
Does he even know where he is?
I think he's just completely out of his mind at this point.
?? The mountain ??
?? When she comes ??
?? She'll be driving six white horses when she comes ??
Shake it, baby!
?? She'll be driving six white horses ??
?? She'll be driving six white horses when she comes ??
?? She'll be coming round the mountain ??
- ?? When she comes ?? - ?? When she comes ??
?? She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes ??
- ?? When she comes ?? - ?? When she comes ??
?? She'll be coming round the mountain ??
?? She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes ??
?? Comes, comes, comes ??
?? Comes, comes, comes, comes, comes ??
Hey.
Zeke, that was...
I didn't even know what to say.
Just... wow.
Prudence, there is something
I've wanted to do for a long time.
- Honk, honk. - Excuse me?
Beep beep! Arooga!
Well, that was unexpected.
Pro tip? Rob him while he's out.
Here, I'll show you.
Oh, nice. He's got a Bible.
Oh, we got most of the glitter off,
and some coffee should help the headache.
Thank you, Granny.
Prudence, I believe a massive apology is in order.
Obviously I was totally out of my mind last night
and I just hope you know that none of that
would've happened had it not been
- for the snake oil. - Sorry to interrupt,
but, uh, to protect myself legally
I should mention that snake oil is completely fraudulent
- and has no effects whatsoever. - What?
You kids take care.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
You were saying?
So if snake oil is fake then
everything I did last night was just me?
Yeah.
I'm disgusting. I'm worse than disgusting.
- I'm a sinner. - It wasn't great,
- but I wouldn't go that far. - No, you don't understand.
I've committed a cardinal sin. I've coveted my...
neighbor's wife.
What, what do you mean, you covet me?
Like, covet, covet?
Yeah, like covet, covet.
But, you're my best friend.
- I know. - And I'm married.
I know. Look, Pru, I'm so sorry.
I tried to bury these feelings for a long time.
I'm sorry, this is a lot to take in.
I'm gonna go.
Girl troubles, huh?
You know the best cure for that?
- Snake oil. - You just told me it was fake.
Shit.
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
Yeah, you know, this feels kinda weird.
Guess I thought we'd be doing this forever.
You're a free man, right?
You finally got away from me, fair and square.
You take care, Benny the Teen.
You too, nameless bounty hunter guy.
Hey.
My fingers are feeling a little sticky.
I'm thinking I might steal this horse.
Okay, don't do that. You know that's a felony.
Oops. Did I do that?
All right, you'd better stop that, Benjamin.
Or what?
You gonna shoot me for being naughty?
Are we really doing this?
I don't know. Are we?
All right, dirtbag.
I'm gonna give you a 60-second head start
before I shoot you full of lead.
The only thing you'll be shooting
is my dust.
Whoosh! Whoo hoo hoo!
60, 59, 58...
All right, people, we gotta get a move on!
Got a bounty hunter hot on my ass!
Ooh. Wild night, huh?
- Don't want to talk about it. - Fair enough. Hyah!
What?
You don't feel like singing now?
Five, four, three,
two, one. Ready or not, here I come!
Oh, shoot! Where's my gun?
Oh, shoot, I left it at the valet!
Hi! Hi. Um, I'm the cute silver one in the back.
Um, I don't have my ticket,
but if you give me that gun, I won't shoot you.
Have a great day!
I'm coming for you, Benny!
credits