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Joseph, what's the latest on IS?
Do we have any matches?
Yeah, kind of. I'm having
a little bit of trouble trying to get our software
to distinguish between times when someone has referred
to IS, as in the Islamic State,
which is what I presume we need to keep a record of,
versus times when they'd simply used the word "is."
You've spent the best part of a week
looking into all nationwide communication
containing the word "is"?
Yeah. I mean, you'd be surprised
how much it comes up.
Jerry, have you been able to get
a cybertrace on where the Russians
might be operating from?
Uh, well, first of all,
good morning, Chris,
uh, and no,
my only guess is that
somehow they're able to operate
even when their main server is asleep.
- I'm a bit like that. - By the way,
has the NSA reached out
to see how I'm getting on with all of this?
Yes, of course. If word gets out
that a weapon designed by the NSA
is now in the hands of terrorists,
it's gonna be the biggest humiliation since Snowden.
Yeah, I was asking more about, like,
did they reach out to say hi, or... but what you said
was also super important.
Right. No.
Also, just so that you know.
as part of GCHQ's commitment
to tackling sexual harassment and discrimination
in the workplace, SciSec has been assigned
Hilary Bowden, who will be leading
some workshops during the day.
Is she GCHQ?
No, but she comes recommended
by Rupert and Downing Street and she's also
worked closely with Prince Andrew.
Not too closely, I hope.
And one final thing.
One final thing. I'm delighted to announce
that SciSec's new fire marshal will be Evelyn.
- Uhh! Was it close? - No.
- What do you mean? - Well done.
Wait a minute. You didn't even apply for the role?
- Well, no. - Does HR know?
It's fine. It's just something to keep her active
and get her out of my office.
Chris, you can't just give that role
to your own daughter.
- Why not? - Well, isn't that...
what's it called when you favor a relative?
Incest?
If you're accusing me of nepotism
within GCHQ, it's probably my grandmother
you need to speak to first.
Right. Where is she at?
Cheltenham Cemetery. 12 across, 4 down.
Oh, it's lovely around there.
- It's bullshit. - If only it wasn't so obvious that
Evelyn has got the role purely on merit.
Sorry, got what on merit?
Any update from the Russians on how
your mum's getting on there?
Oh, they won't let me speak to her.
She's very strong-willed.
She once ate a glass vase.
Come along. Let's get this over with.
Yep.
Uh, yeah, hi.
I just wanted to make sure you received
my, uh, my donation to the Women's
Progressive Liberal Library Fund.
Yes, $10,000. Great. Thank you.
I'm so sorry. How can I help you?
Hilary Bowden. I'll be leading
the harassment and discrimination sessions today.
Oh, right, right.
Jerry Bernstein, NSA.
Well, are you a breath of fresh air.
Oh, really? Why?
Oh, just that you're a very...
um... um... red. You're very red.
Heh.
Were you about to say I was attractive?
Maybe. Would that have been ok?
Of course. Why not?
Well, it's just that, you know,
men like me are often... ah, never mind.
No, go on.
No, it's just that, you know,
being a good-looking straight white male these days
is kind of like having a target on your back, you know?
Anyway, um, if you need anything at all
while... while you're here, you just,
you know, give me a nudge.
I'm a big fan of your... of your harassment...
of... anti-harass... and... your work,
and... and discrimination.
Very important.
Well, then. Shall we?
- No, please. - No, please.
OK.
Oh! Hello.
After you.
How do you feel about sharing the fire marshal position?
- There's only one tabard. - Yeah, I know,
but I can always give it a rinse in between.
Aren't you already health and safety officer?
Oh, yeah, I know, but ever since Elaine
walked into that sheet of glass,
there's been nothing to do.
Well, what do you want me to do?
Start a fire?
That's not really necessary.
Good morning, everyone.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
As you know, my name is Hilary Bowden.
I'm an ambassador for CBT in the workplace.
I have experience with animals.
And I am co-creator of the biodegradable coil.
We are stretched for time, so,
just to get the ball rolling,
I'd like to start with a general chat
about our own personal experiences of harassment.
Would anyone like to go first?
Well...
- oh, no. - No.
- You sure? - Yeah. you go.
So, I often get teased quite a lot
because of my height. I don't know if
that counts as harassment per se.
I see. And from a psychological
point of view, does that get you down?
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground,
if that's what... is that what you meant?
But do you ever find it restricting?
Oh, no. No, not... I mean,
within reason, I can fit into any size space, so.
- Like a squid. - Or a gas.
And Jerry, as the alpha of the pack,
have you always been this tall?
Yeah, since birth. I'm... I'm tall everywhere.
And are you now at your maximum height, do you think?
Actually, I can feel myself growing right now.
Lovely. Ok. So, I would like to try a little bit of role play.
Mary and Joseph.
Come help me at the front here.
Um, Jerry, could you please,
chair for me, please.
Oh!
OK, so, I want you to imagine
that Mary has been bullying Joseph
- for his height, say, and... - Why?
Well, actually, that's a good point.
In theory, why else might we want to make fun of Joseph?
I don't know the best way to say this.
The color of his skin?
- Yes, thank you. - His intellect.
- Size of his nose. - The way he dresses.
I think that's probably enough.
His one brow?
Jerry, I think that...
Yes, that's a good amount of variables.
And which one of these are you
most comfortable talking about, Mary?
Oh. Probably, um... uh...
the color of his skin?
Yes. I agree. At least in theory,
that's certainly the most obvious.
I don't know. That nose is pretty big.
Jerry.
So, I want you to imagine
that you've had a run-in with Joseph
and you've ended up saying something racist.
Do you want me to actually say the word out loud?
Well, do you have a particular word in mind?
A few, yes.
Oh, but only because Mum used to talk in her sleep.
- Right. - Just for my write-up,
Christine, what proportion of the office is black?
Sorry. I believe the correct term is African-American.
I think quite a lot of the furniture is black.
Sorry. African-American.
Of course, we have very few, if any,
African-Americans working here.
What? How do you get away with that?
OK. I think that's enough.
- Yeah. - Now we can all relax.
How did that make you feel, Joseph?
Uh... I guess it made me feel a bit more white.
Hilary, given that I hang out with Joseph so much,
does that mean I can never be accused of being a racist?
OK, well, let's break that down, shall we?
Does your friendship with Joseph
ever feel like a conscious decision?
- Absolutely. - Never.
- Oh. - I mean, a little bit of both.
It's not an act of pity or self-defense?
How would it be an act of self-defense?
Well, perhaps it makes Jerry feel
more powerful, surrounding himself
- with people of color. - Like in "Moana."
- Yeah. - No, I'd never do that.
That's not to say I don't feel powerful around you, buddy,
but I think anyone would.
Hmm.
Ok, so, this next bit's actually taken from my latest book.
It's just a scenario that I'd like you to mull over
before we break for lunch.
Now, what if Jerry invited Joseph over to his house?
He's staying in a hotel.
OK, so, imagine he invites him over to his hotel
- and cooks him a delicious... - Doesn't have a kitchen.
Well, let's just assume it's a suite.
I'm sure they'd upgrade me if I asked.
Couldn't you just use the hotel kitchen?
That was going to be my question.
- Jesus. - No, I don't want
to hang out with those guys.
I'm trying to cook Joseph a nice, romantic children's meal.
The point is, Jerry ends up cooking Joseph
a really big, vibrant curry.
You wrote a book about this?
- I quite like curry. - Oh, there you go. See?
The question is, though, is that racist?
No way. I'm just using up
all the ingredients I had left over.
I thought that was pancake day.
But is this a sign that we have
preconceived ideas of people?
No. I'm just trying to cook my best friend in London...
- Cheltenham. - Cheltenham his favorite meal.
- I never said it was my favorite. - See?
Yeah, but I'd do the same for... for anyone.
I mean, apart from Tuva, maybe.
Why? What would you cook for me?
I'm imagining a more fragrant, spicy,
kind of noodle thing.
Surely that's time.
- With a side of crickets. - The fuck?
Are we not doing the bit in the role play
where I call Joseph a...
Wow.
Phones off.
- Up. Move. - Oh, what? God.
- _ - Look at you.
_
- Move up. - Yeah.
Hilary just grabbed my junk again.
What? Why?
Maybe it's some kind of game,
like a perverted version of Bop It.
Whatever it is, I think she's winning.
Are you gonna say something?
I don't know. I mean,
what if she's just really into me?
What if she's not?
Well, then I'm gonna tell on her.
To Chris?
What's going on?
Oh, just tell her Hilary grabbed Jerry's crotch
and he wants to tell Chris.
- Oh. - Pass it on.
Something about Jerry and Chris's crotch.
I didn't really catch it.
- You caught something? - I don't know,
but we all have to pass it on.
- Jerry's got an STD. - What?
- Pass it on. - Ew. No. Gross.
Jerry's got syphilis again.
It's sexual harassment time.
What I want to examine is what's acceptable in the workplace,
what's unacceptable, and ultimately, what's illegal.
- Yeah, me, too. - Can anyone give me
an example of something that's illegal in the workplace?
Homicide.
Yes, but I'm particularly interested in those muddier areas.
Who uses kisses at the end of their emails?
And how does everyone else feel about that?
- How do you think? - The only thing that bothers me
is when the whole email is just a kiss.
- Even the subject line? - Yeah, there's like kisses just everywhere.
Yeah, in my defense
I think a lot of those were group emails.
They were. Joseph: Yeah.
Why haven't I received one of them?
I don't know. You'd have to check your mailbox settings.
- OK. - I sometimes use hugs at the end of my emails.
- What's a hug? - Kind of like...
No. Get off. No, I mean
how do you write a hug in email?
Oh. Well, I type a big capital "O,"
or I use open and closed brackets.
Just to offer you my professional opinion,
and I'd say the same to the royals,
I'd worry that might look a little like an entranceway.
Oh. What, like I'm inviting someone in?
- Yeah, baby. - That's not allowed.
- What? "Yeah, baby"? - Yeah.
Oh, come on. It's harmless, isn't it?
It's just like two words.
So is "sugar tits."
- Thank you. - Christine, how do you
usually sign off your emails?
- Would you ever use a kiss? - No.
I only ever sign off with an "X" if I want that person killed.
Hmm. Tony Blair does that.
Is that why you keep doing that to me?
No. If I wanted you killed,
I'd probably just do it in your sleep.
Oh, my gosh.
So, one additional thing I'm keen
to examine within these sessions
is the degree to which
our decisions are affected
by unconscious bias.
I wouldn't know.
Exactly. So,
the best way I like to test this
is by imagining that the building is on fire
and working out who you would save first.
- Jerry. - Quentin.
- Joseph. - Mum.
- Mary. - Oh!
- You're the lightest. - Hmm.
Well, no, try and ignore all other factors.
So, let's pretend that you're Superman
and therefore, the size and weight
of an individual isn't important.
So, assuming you're Superman, Jerry,
would Mary be your first choice as well?
Uh, I'm not sure.
I'd be worried about her wig
catching fire and damaging my cape.
- That's not a wig. - What about me?
Oh, well, you'd be OK for a few hours
in your mom's glass box up there.
- Not if it melts. - Oh, Tuva.
Chris, I'm sure you'd want
to save Evelyn at some point.
Well, I wouldn't want to be accused of nepotism, would I?
So, you'd rather I burned to death?
To be honest, I don't think any of this would have happened
if I'd have been made fire marshal in the first place.
So, what we actually recommend
as a way of avoiding unconscious bias within this scenario
is to save people,
but in alphabetical order.
Oh. Great.
Starting with you, Christine.
- What? - Followed by Evelyn.
- Great. - And it would be me...
Hilary... if I happened to be around.
Yes, what a shame you're only here
for one day of the year.
- Like Santa Claus. - Or a smear test.
Yes.
What I want to look at now
is physical interaction.
Now, I will warn you that some of this is quite sensitive, but
I did try some of these techniques out
at a COBRA meeting last week,
so, they are perfectly safe.
Ah, Jerry, do you mind joining me at the front, please?
So, what I'm going to do is I'm going to demonstrate
how to hug a colleague the correct way
from a legal point of view.
OK, so, here we go. And 1, 2, and then off.
Now, if you want to put a bit of force
back into your pushback, just to prove
there's no agenda there, that's absolutely fine.
But what if your colleague
has just witnessed something horrendous
on the web and you feel
like a longer hug is necessary?
So, you might want to go for a...
a 1, 2, 3, and then...
Jesus.
OK? So, why don't we all give that a go?
Hold on to my hand.
1... 1.
Be careful. She's ancient.
Give me a hug.
OK, here? Here?
- That was awkward, actually. - Yeah.
On the count of 3, I want you to all
arrange yourselves in order
of who you feel is most likely
to be taken advantage of.
1, 2, 3, go.
Fantastic. Now, please sit back down.
- Ah, I have a question. - Sure.
What if someone were to,
I don't know, say,
grab your ass or your crotch.
Would I report that as sexual harassment or...
Or what?
Or would I
correctly interpret that
as someone having
extremely strong feelings for me?
I wouldn't have thought so, no.
Really?
Then why is that person
going around grabbing people's crotches?
I guess because it makes them feel powerful,
especially when they know
that no one will ever believe the other party.
What? Why would they do that?
I mean, that's totally fucked up.
I know, but sadly,
it's what the science shows us
again and again.
Ok. For those of you who don't know what's going on here...
Hilary grabbed my crotch
and my tush earlier, multiple times.
Ok, so, now might be a good time
to look at how best to deal with both accusations.
- What? - Mary, do you mind joining us, please?
Wait, no, hold it. This is bullshit.
- She's lying. - So, Jerry,
what I want you to do is just demonstrate
what you believe happened
as part of a role play.
Fine. On you or... or Mary?
On Mary.
Uh... mm. No-no.
No-no, I... no,
I'm not falling for this.
There might be a trap.
Mary, is it a trap?
I don't think so.
No one's ever called it that before.
And what if it were the other way around?
What, like, I grab her ass?
What if she were to grab you?
- Now? - No!
Whenever you're ready.
Mary, what the fuck?
Isn't someone gonna say something?
Sorry, are we still in the role play?
- Yes. - No!
I'm really confused.
Great. Are we done?
- Mary, thank you. - What...
what... are you all just gonna sit there? Chris!
I'm sorry. I was miles away.
And what Jerry's doing here is pretending to object.
- No, I'm not. - Uh, that's really clever.
Why would I do that?
To demonstrate what happens when someone cries wolf.
I'm not... I'm not crying wolf, OK?
It really happened.
That's exactly what the boy said.
Well, I'm being serious this time.
- He said that, too. - Oh, I get it.
So, you and Hilary are in cahoots.
- Yes. - What? No!
Wonderful. A happy finish.
And, of course, the sad thing about a false accusation is
not only does it make the individual look stupid
but it also undermines those cases
where someone has genuinely been harassed.
I have been harassed.
Joseph, when I came back in here,
what's the first thing I said to you?
- Move up. - No, after that.
Uh, that you think she's really into you.
- No, not that. - That you've got syphilis?
- Yeah... no. What? - Is that what you said?
I must've misheard.
No. No. OK.
I'm genuinely starting to think
that you guys are all in on this.
Well, it is common for men like you
to try and play the victim.
Whoa-whoa-whoa. Did you just say "men like me"?
What, you don't think men like me can get harassed?
Well, then you don't know about the time...
Wonderful. And we're out of it.
- Fantastic. - Wait... no, no.
you can't... you can't just do that.
And we're back in.
Time's up, I'm afraid, Jerry.
OK. Oh... you know what?
No. You were right.
You do have syphilis?
No. I mean, we're in cahoots.
- Oh. - Hilary and I have been in cahoots the whole time.
I mean, this whole thing has been planned.
Her grabbing my junk was planned.
Her grabbing my... my back thingy was planned.
Um, this... this was planned right there.
That's planned. Yeah. And this.
This was planned. And this is planned.
And this is planned.
And we're out of it.
No! What? Hi. Yes.
Just so you know,
I won't be pressing charges.
Thank you. Me, neither.
I just have to attend a 3-day anti-harassment course.
Yes, me, too. See you there.
Oh.
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