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And also Buckingham Palace have been in touch to ask if we can have another look
at their firewall because the queen's still receiving
pop-ups for erectile dysfunction.
I once took one of those tablets by mistake.
- Did it work? - Yes.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh. Are they all yours?
No. A lot of these are international arrest warrants.
I just didn't want to miss anything.
Oh. Anything in there with my name on it?
- Why? What did you do? - Oh, God, no. Nothing.
It's just me and Charlotte from GCHQ
been having had a little bit of e-mail back and forth recently.
Is that the tall girl with mad cow disease?
- No. Who's that? - Morning, everyone.
Oh, shit. Did someone die?
Yes, about 80 million people.
This week, we're celebrating 76 years
since the end of World War II.
By dressing as Hitler and his dentist.
- Wait. I have to wear this for a whole week? - Yes.
This is a Women's Auxiliary Air Force pilot's uniform,
used to belong to your great-grandmother.
Wow, so your grandmother could fly.
Yeah. Does that surprise you?
No. I just didn't know women were allowed
to fly planes back then.
I'd worry about how safe that was.
Lots of kamikaze pilots were women.
Exactly, because they're the best at crashing.
Also, I was very pleased to see
that last week's Hinkley Point success
featured heavily on page 3 of the "Telegraph."
Wait. Why wasn't I asked to pose for that?
It's not that sort of paper.
What they didn't report is that, despite GCHQ
regaining full control of Eternal Blue,
a hybrid weapon is already being rebuilt by the Russians
with the capacity to disrupt air traffic control services across the globe.
Gosh.
That's exactly what happens in "Die Hard 2."
Did they even mention me by name in the article or...
No.
Here at GCHQ, we prefer individuals to remain anonymous.
Well, it's certainly working.
By the way, who are you talking to at the NSA about this?
- Aled Jones. - "The Snowman"?
Well, if you want Jonesy and me to put our heads together,
I'm sure we can locate these guys.
Besides, I'd love to take a crack at saving
the whole world, not just this little island.
Well, we can discuss that with Rupert later,
but personally, I feel your ego
may prove to be too much of a distraction.
Oh, come on, Chris. Give me a little credit.
It's not always gonna be about... Oh, my God, are those for me?
Yeah. They've just arrived.
Wow.
Oh, what?
Oh, my this is so embarrassing. Thank you so much.
They're not from me.
No, but still, I mean, it's just so sweet of you
to give me these flowers.
They're not from me.
No. I know, but the way you handed them to me
was just so sweet.
- Can I go? - Yeah.
I don't even remember your name.
Wow. Oh, these are incredible.
Thank you. Look, a card.
Did I not even get, like, an arrest warrant, then?
So sorry, buddy.
"To Jerry. Mwah! Love... " question mark.
I just want to say, if the person who got me these
happens to be in this room, from the bottom of my heart...
Thank you.
Surely, you're not serious.
Yeah?
- Hey. - Hey, what's up. I'm busy.
Oh, not much. Oh!
I'm just a little bit lonely and bored.
Do you mind if I sniff your flowers?
No. Knock yourself out.
Very nice. You know these weren't from me, yeah?
I just didn't know if you were expecting a Valentine's gift
just because we used to be married.
No, and listen.
I'd rather you didn't keep using that phrase
"used to be married" because it kind of makes it sound
like it was for real, OK?
Right. What would you prefer I use, then,
"sort of recently separated"?
- Again, I just don't think... - "Widows?"
- You know what? - I'd be up for that.
How about you don't refer to it ever again?
OK. You know, I'll try.
OK.
So you're not even a bit curious as to who they're from?
Yeah. I'm kind of busy protecting all mankind
right now, so...
I guess I was just secretly hoping
that, you know, you wouldn't get anything, either,
and then we could be lonely together. You know what I mean?
Oh, my God, I almost forgot.
Look what just arrived from... for you in the internal mail system.
- Oh, my God. - I know. Go open it.
Oh, my God, oh, is this from you?
Are you kidding?
You think I'd, what, get you a Valentine's Day card out of pity?
I wouldn't hold it against you.
No. I'm not that nice.
Oh, swear on your life.
I swear on your life, buddy.
Oh, my God.
"Hey, sexy... " comma, "stay amazing. Kiss," full stop.
- There. - Aww.
My God, do you think it's from Charlotte, maybe?
- Could be. - Ohh...
But actually, we've never met.
So?
Well, so she's not really had the full experience.
- Right. Yeah. - Yeah.
Still, it's possible.
Yeah. Maybe I'll just text her and ask.
No. Don't. No. Don't do that.
No?
Nope, because what if it isn't?
- Mm. - Right, and if it is,
You don't want her knowing that you know.
Maybe I'll just get handwriting analysis done, then.
No. What? Where?
Here. It's downstairs.
No, absol... No, absolutely not.
Do not to that. OK. Well, listen, buddy.
Right now, that card could be from anyone.
It's almost more fun not knowing who it's from.
What's your wildest fantasy?
Meeting someone who could fly.
No. I mean, if that card could be from anyone
in the world, who would you want it to be from?
I guess it'd be a toss-up
between David Attenborough and Princess Jasmine from "Aladdin."
- The live action or... - The cartoon.
- The cartoon. There you go. - Yeah.
- Hey. - You all right?
Yeah. I have a handwriting sample that needs analyzing.
I was told you were the best person to ask.
Case number?
Right. Yeah.
It hasn't actually been assigned a number yet.
Why not?
I know it's gonna sound really weird, but I think they've just run out.
They've run out of numbers?
Well, no, not run out.
I think they've just used them all up on other cases.
I don't know if you've ever had that happen before.
Who is the supervising officer on the case?
I can touch via scope here.
Right. Yes. Gosh, I'm so bad with names...
and there are so many now, aren't there?
- There's only 4. - There's only 4?
Oh. Seemed like...
Well, I'm guessing...
ma-male.
- White? - Yeah, probably. I mean...
Or not. Or not.
I mean, you know, they could've been more like...
or, you know... or the color of this folder or not.
Well, there are no blue supervising officers.
And I think that is so bad nowadays.
Are you taking the piss?
Oh, no. God, no. No.
I just, you know... I'm on your side, obviously.
- What side's that, then? - I'm like you, aren't I?
You're a Black woman?
Well, no, not quite, but I'm half.
- Are you half a Black woman? - I'm just a complete mix.
- Of black and blue. - Of Black and white.
Oh, so you're gray.
So I have a handwriting sample that needs analyzing.
Oh, God.
Please don't tell me those are for me.
No. No, of course not. These are mine.
You've got another bunch of flowers?
No. This is the same bunch.
I just didn't want to leave them lying around.
It's just not safe.
This is one of the safest buildings on the planet.
I just don't want anyone tripping over them
and risk hurting the arrangement.
Do you mind if we have a word in private?
- Evelyn. - But I only just sat down.
You've been sitting down all day.
- Yeah, but not like this. - Please?
Ohh...
Thank you.
Can I just say, for the first 6 months,
I had no idea you two were mother and daughter.
Well, I try not to make
too much of a song and dance about it.
No. I completely get it.
I'd be the same if I were your daughter.
What can I do for you?
Well, given I saved Britain last week...
you're welcome... did Jonesy mention anything
about the NSA dropping the case against me,
you know, that whole election-fraud thing?
I thought you liked it here.
Oh, no. Don't get me wrong.
I love it here, and I adore your outfit.
I'm just thinking, hypothetically, if I managed
to track down these Russian dudes,
surely, that would paint me in a better light, right?
We'll just have to wait and see.
Any news about who might have leaked
the NSA intel in the first place?
No, but I've been professionally
interrogating people since I was 9.
Mary, I swear to God, this is your last chance.
Are you working for the Russians?
- No. - Right. That's it.
I want to waterboard her. Mary, get up here.
Tuva, are you recording all this?
Oh, fuck yeah.
OK. No. Turn around. You got to face me.
This isn't an enema. This is serious.
Now lie down flat.
No, face up. Mary, flip over.
Joseph... you know what? yeah, hold her down.
Now, who has a towel?
OK. Sorry.
OK, so the options are lovely, little bunny rabbit one;
one from the local school; or just a plain, gingham one,
but I don't know if it's clean.
Give me that.
- You see the rabbit? - Shut up.
OK. Mary, where's your mouth?
- Uh, in here. - OK. Do we have any water?
I got some Sprite you can use.
No. I don't think it'll work with Sprite.
- It blows me up. - Shut up, Mary!
- Is there water in the flowers? - Do not touch the flowers!
- My God. - Yeah.
So where do you want this?
OK. You know what? Get up here.
- Oh, my God. - All right.
You want to position it over her mouth, OK?
- Yeah. - OK.
What the fuck are you doing?
I'm so sorry, Jerry. It's just really difficult trying to keep it upright.
It's supposed to get on her.
I'm being serious, Mary. This is your last chance.
OK.
And I'm aiming for the mouth, yeah?
Just pour it on the rabbit.
Here we go.
- What? Are you kidding? - So sorry, Jerry.
- I'm sorry. That's not clean. - Goddamn it.
What? God... All right. You know what?
I'm gonna... OK. Are you good?
- You're good? - Yeah.
Go for it. Wait. Let me just adjust your...
- Gah! OK! Are you kidding? - Jerry, I'm so sorry.
What the hell's going on?
Oh, hey, Chris.
I was just teaching the gang interrogation techniques
in case we find a mole.
But Mary is a mole.
- What? - Sorry.
OK. I'm sure you've all got lots of questions.
Chris, you got to let me handle this.
Absolutely not. Sit down.
I just need you all to listen. It's true.
For a few weeks now, Mary's position here
has been compromised...
Son of a bitch! Aah!
But only because her mother has been captured
by the Russian mob responsible for last week's attack
and who have been blackmailing Mary for inside intel.
Well, I'm very sorry to hear that.
I thought your mom passed away.
Oh, so did I.
Hello?
I'm ever so sorry. Your mother's, um...
passed away.
So your mom's still alive?
Yes, but now they keep threatening
to send one of her fingers through the post.
Why? What's wrong with her fingers?
Fortunately...
Fortunately, Mary had the foresight to buy us some time
by sending the Russians a lot of false leads.
So Mary's now a double agent?
Technically, she's a triple agent.
That's right, so we think she's working for us.
The Russian thinks she's working for them,
but really, she's working for someone else.
- No. She's just working for us. - Right. Good.
How's that different from that she was doing before?
Because the Russians believe
she's now working for them.
That's just two things, isn't it?
Listen. All you need to know
is that we are keeping Mary's cover a secret
so that we can continue to feed the Russians false intel
and, in doing so, hopefully,
prevent a future Eternal Blue attack.
Plus, I must admit, it's quite nice
for me and Quentin to have a bit of space from Mum, too.
Oh, so you and Quentin still...
Yes, every night.
Yeah, baby. What stage you at?
- Please don't... - 63.
Answer that.
Is that...
- Forward. - Aagh!
- Uh! - Ugh! Die!
- Nice shot, soldier. - Targets are coming.
- Cover me. Hah! - Take that.
- Get down. - Take cover. Reloading.
You're fucking kidding me.
- Ugh... - Game over.
Fuck.
- Tuva, I just want to say... - They weren't from me.
No. Sure.
I'm just double-checking with everyone I've ever, you know...
Disappointed?
So do you get paid more for being a triple agent, then?
No, but I am trying to negotiate more holiday.
Oh, right, and the Russians are all right with that?
No. They were very angry.
You know I had a friend who started off
as a triple agent but then went on to become an octuple agent
almost overnight.
So who did that mean they were working for in the end?
Well, they thought that we thought
that they thought that we thought that they thought
that... that... that we... that...
You know, I got to get some water for these.
Hey, how's it going?
So do you want to go out for a drink tonight, then, or what?
I mean, that's not why I came to see you, but, yeah, I'm down.
I'll call you back.
Jerry Bernstein, NSA. It's Honey, right?
So I just wanted to warn you about this guy I'm working with.
You might have seen him scampering around.
He's a tiny, little guy, kind of like a Cinnamon Santa,
I mean in terms of disposition, not...
Anyway, I was just wondering how this works.
If he came to you with a sample of handwriting,
how quickly would you be able to work out that it was mine?
So you're telling me it's yours.
No. No. I was just saying that as an example.
Like, would it help if I provided you
with a sample of my handwriting first just to rule me out?
Not if I already know it's yours.
Now... sure, but ignoring that...
I wish I'd never said it... how can I help you avoid
coming up with a false conclusion?
I'd need to know a bit more info on your background
and see a sample of your handwriting.
Absolutely. That's what I thought.
Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late. Couldn't fit in the elevator.
Jerry, just wanted to congratulate you on the Hinkley Point success last week.
- Great work. - Thanks, Rupert.
I can't believe we've never met in the flesh.
Well, I have been in theater these past few weeks.
Oh, great. What show?
No. I was in a pony-riding accident.
Well, either way, I'm sure it was fantastic.
Who's the lucky lady or fella?
Yeah, right. Right.
I mean... I mean, right. Right. Right on.
I'm actually in touch with thousands of women,
so... who knows? it could be from any or all of them.
Just like a tomb of the unknown soldier.
I don't really understand the reference,
but yes, absolutely.
Thank you.
Um, hi. Jerry, do you mind if I have a quick...
We're busy. What is it?
Oh, you know, it's fine. I didn't know that you...
Don't be silly. We're all equals here.
- You know, I really should... - Come on.
- Only if you're sure. - Of course.
We even get paid the same.
- Seriously? - No. I earn a lot more.
What do you want?
Oh, um...
What do I want?
Well, I...
I had some handwriting analysis done
on the Valentine's Day card that I received.
What?
Sorry. Let me get this straight.
You've been using GCHQ resources funded by the UK taxpayer
to find out who sent you a Valentine's Day card?
In my defense, that is exactly why
I didn't want to say it in front of you all.
And?
Oh. Well...
No. That's not important.
Shall we continue with our high-profile meeting?
Hang on. You were saying?
Well, actually, it turned out that it's...
- D'oh! Aagh! - Oh, my God, what's wrong?
- Oww... - Jerry, what's wrong?
- Ooh... - What's wrong?
Joseph, could you go... could you go... Could you go?
Oh, for heaven's sake, Jerry.
OK. Look. I just did it to cheer him up.
- It doesn't mean anything. - What do you mean?
- So it was from you. - Why?
- They used to be married. - Oh.
Isn't that what the handwriting analysis showed?
No. I was about to say the results were inconclusive.
Oh, sorry. No. That's what I meant.
I mean, could've been from anyone. Who...
It could've been Chris, could've been Rupert.
Well, I've never met him before, but...
You swore on my life that it wasn't from you.
Eh, don't worry about it, buddy.
It doesn't mean you're actually gonna die.
- I'm sorry about this. - No. This is fun.
I thought you'd be pleased.
Yeah, only because you told me
it definitely wasn't from you.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
What else was I meant to believe, Jerry?
I don't know, maybe that your mother sent it out of sympathy.
Well, she died 20 years ago.
Maybe she postdated it. Look.
I'll make it up to you, OK?
I'll take you out to dinner, somewhere real fancy.
You'll take me out for dinner on Valentine's Day?
Well, no, obviously not tonight.
- I've got plans. - I don't.
But you'll take me out at some point, right?
Yes, but not because I sent you a Valentine's Day card.
But you did send me a Valentine's Day card.
Yeah, because I wanted you to feel special.
I'll feel special when you take me out for dinner.
Why don't you take him out now?
This meeting is over.
Mm.
Have you been wearing that all this time?
- Good night, Jacinda. - Good night.
- Joseph... - Yes?
It pains me to have to say this,
but I'm seriously starting to call into question
your position here at GCHQ.
Do you understand?
Yes. Yeah, absolutely, and listen.
I just wanted to let you know I'm well aware
that we keep having these kind of conversations every week now,
but I promise you, it won't happen again.
It better not.
At least Valentine's Day is only once a year.
This is your final warning.
- Do you hear? - Yeah.
Handwriting analysis.
I mean, who else did you think it was from?
Princess Jasmine.
Hmm.
- Hi, Ma. - Hi, sweetie.
- Happy Valentine's Day. - You, too.
Did you get my flowers?
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