- Mind your head. - Okay, thanks.
- Bye. - Bye.
We probably won't see each other again, right?
- It's unlikely. - Great.
- You had sex. - Yeah, boy!
Yes.
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- Do you have the hairbrush? - I have my hairbrush.
Come on. I'm gonna be late for work.
Weren't you supposed to start, like, an hour ago?
My God. Did the clocks change?
- Yeah, last month. - Pathetic.
There it is.
Well, well, well, when it rains, it pours.
What?
? Danny boy, ? ? The pipes, the pipes are calling ?
Dan? No, you cannot see him.
I can't help it if these boys are obsessed with me.
He's hot, but it's a bit naff.
Yeah.
- What's he saying then? - Nothing.
Oi!
He just asked if I was around for a drink this afternoon.
You freak. What'd you say?
I said I might be, yeah.
Hey, don't.
"LOL, yeah."
"Keen, keen, keen. Where and when?
I'm free all day."
It's a casual, afternoon drink,
- and if we have sex... if... - My God.
- We have sex... - My God.
- It means nothing. - Actually come on.
Afternoon sex is basically an errand.
Fine, do what you want, but use protection.
- I'm not childproofing this flat. - Okay.
Do you really think it's a good idea?
It's fine. I don't like him. He's just my friend.
So you're not gonna sleep with him then?
No, I definitely will, yeah.
Right.
Honestly, I can stay to the end of the shift if you can't cover.
No, it's fine. It's fine. I can handle this lot.
Go do your thang, girl.
I've messed it up. I shouldn't have drawn his teeth.
I don't like him.
- Humphrey Bogart? - Yeah.
Right.
You know he's in the film you're about to watch?
He wishes.
Okay.
Don't you think it's just hard to be friends with people you've had sex with?
Well, we've had sex. We're friends.
Well, yes. But that's... that... that's different.
That's, like, a different vibe, you know?
Plus it was only one time, barely even remember it.
If anything, I try to block it out.
My God, I've written "Cabaslanca."
No, no, please, please, please don't do that.
- No, no, no, no, no! - We can't. We can't break it.
We can't. No, no, no! I...
It's exact money.
- It's so tiring. - It takes us so long to...
It's such a tiring thing.
- Hi. - My God.
Hi.
What are you doing, pretending to read again?
Yes, that's good.
So good to see you. Hi, you look great.
Thank you.
- Sorry I'm late. - It's fine. No, no, no, it's fine. Yeah, no.
Haven't been here for long, so it's fine, good.
So how are you? What's going on?
I'm great. No, yeah, I'm great.
- Just came from work. - How's the cinema biz?
- Great, it's booming. - Yeah?
- You running the place yet? - Yes, finally, no.
Actually, they let me use the photocopier now
because I make this, like, monthly newsletter.
Very cool.
Yes, it's actually mainly just to tell them
not to download porn on our Wi-Fi.
Really? God.
No, it's all right. That was... that was a joke.
I mean, that's not a bad idea.
No, yeah.
How's your work? How's the café?
Still in the café with the dusty cakes in the window?
Yeah, yeah, still there.
But it's all chill. I've just been sort of,
yeah, mainly focusing on my music really.
Sorry, what music?
My music. You know about my music.
Yeah, sorry, no, sorry, when you said... yeah, your music.
- Yeah. - Yes, I love it.
Yeah, I know, yeah.
What kind of music is it?
At the minute,
I've been trying to move away from dub, but, like, it's impossible.
- Right. - You know what I mean?
Yeah, I know you.
All right, where is it?
Bugger, dear, hang on. There we are.
Look at that.
- It's nice. - Nice?
Piss off.
That's fucking romantic, that is.
Side-by-side burial plot. She's gonna lose her mind.
I thought you said she wanted a new watch.
Yeah, but that was a trap, see if I take the easy route.
Stop distracting me. I'm trying to find you something.
You're the one who started showing me burial plots.
Ooh, yeah, here we are.
Now, the script is a piece of shit,
but the money is outrageous.
What's the part?
Todd Emery, an unlucky in love optometrist,
who falls in love with a blind girl.
Rachel McAdams already attached.
Okay, this might be a crazy idea,
but how about we try and find something for me
- that's actually good. - What?
- Like a little indie film? - Don't know, maybe.
Why? You putting on weight?
- Forget it. - Are you unwell? Let me see.
- Nothing's wrong with me. - What's going on with you?
Why are you doing this to me?
And so kind of long story short,
it wasn't their cat, so I had to give the money back,
but they asked me to stay for dinner.
That's my Saturday.
What?
I missed you.
Okay, Dan.
Jessie.
Before this happens, I just want to say
I love being friends, and I would love to continue
- that friendship. - Yeah, great, me too.
Yeah, so obviously we can go back to my house,
but I just want to warn you there is a weird smell in my room at the moment, but I feel like
if you know the context of the smell, then it kind of feels weird...
- At least weird when you smell it. - Jessie...
Jessie, wait, I...
This is awkward.
You know I'm in a relationship, right?
- No, you aren't. - Yeah, I am big time.
Who? Who's... who?
Claire.
Claire from the café.
Claire.
Claire with the... fringe. She's got a fringe.
- How'd you know she's got a fringe? - You know,
anyone who follows her on Instagram knows that.
It's been a big transition for her.
Really big year, so that's... no, no, no, I...
That's so cool 'cause you and Claire
- both have fringes. - Why are you being like this?
Like, you literally just said that you just wanna be friends.
I don't... no, no, no, sorry, no, and I stand by that.
I totally stand by... I wanna be your friend,
but I just feel like you sort of getting into
a proper relationship is sort of a step too far
and quite rude and ultimately uncalled for.
Well, look, I mean,
we're pretty much open anyway, so...
Okay, cool, cool, dude, nice.
- This is not 1967 honestly. - Why are you lashing out at me?
I am not lashing out. The way I'm reacting to this
is entirely consistent with my personality.
Jessie, come on.
Sorry, my ride is two minutes away.
Give my love to fringe.
- It's Claire. - Yeah, whatever.
You do you.
Do you know what I mean? It's like...
I'm telling you I think it's cancer. I don't have long.
Cathy, you don't have eye cancer.
How do you know? You're not a doctor. I've got all the symptoms. Look.
That's not a...
You're just twitching your eye. That's not a symptom.
- Thank you. - No worries.
It was delicious by the way.
Wow, I'm really glad.
- Thank you. - No worries.
- Have a good night. - Thanks, you too.
No.
- What? - You can't fuck civilians.
I should fire you.
You're not gonna fire me. I "Star is Born" -ed you.
You can't call people civilians.
To you, that's what they are.
These girls know lots more about you
than you know about them. It's not normal.
God.
All I'm saying is there is a reason
actors date other actors. It's just easier.
- You're a true romantic, Cath. - Well, it's easier for everyone.
Half the time, these poor people don't know what they're getting into with your lot.
I mean, look at Reese Witherspoon's husband.
- What about him? - He died.
- No, he didn't. - He didn't?
Well, who am I thinking of?
Always a pleasure, Cath.
I don't mean to scare you, and I'm not being dramatic,
but I will say this.
Dating someone like you will most likely
- ruin a girl's life forever. - Wow, okay.
Or worse, yours, or by extension mine,
- so... - Yep.
Just a few things to think about. Okay?
- Okay. - I love you.
- I love you too. - I'm gonna skedaddle.
And listen.
If you think about eating bread,
call me, and I'll talk you down.
No bread.
Say it.
- No bread. - Got it.
Fucking hell.
So you're on a corner?
You're on a corner.
Fuck off.
No, I don't want to cancel because then that's how they get your money.
They do the cancellation fees, and...
No, not you. I mean, like, the fat cats higher up.
You sound lovely. You sound great.
So I don't just... if you come around the block,
and I'll meet you on the corner.
I'm on the corner if that is any help.
It's just... yeah, okay, I'll see you then.
Great, I mean, super excited to meet you, man.
I mean, this is gonna be great.
All right, good-bye.
Jessie.
Hi.
I just... I saw you through the window.
Cool, yeah, nice.
- It's been a while. - Yeah, just waiting for a car, so...
That's why I'm here.
- Okay. - Yeah, are you following me?
No.
- 'Cause obviously I'm not following you... 'cause, you know, you are the one - Jess!
that came to say hi... You're the one taht...
God, hi.
You forgot your book.
- All right, thank you. - That's all right.
Dan, this is Tom Tom, this is Dan.
- Hey. - Fuck off.
It's... you're that dude from... from what's it called.
- Mate, I'm such a big fan. - Are you?
Yeah.
Hey, look, I know it's a bit awkward, but I'll get a photo with you.
My brother's... like, he'd freak if he knew I was with you.
- No, that's cool. - You sure?
Jessie.
Great, great. Okay.
Didn't know this one had a camera.
This is mad.
- How do you two know each other then? - Okay, great, well, there we go
because my car's here actually, so good to see you, Tom.
Good to see you, Dan. It's me, so... Oh, my God.
- Literally insane. - Jessie...
- Sorry, can I get a photo? - What?
Loved you in "The Avengers."
- I wasn't in that. - Yes, you were.
Okay, so I got, like, half a pint left in the pub,
so I'm gonna bounce, all right?
Actually, hey, do you want a little drink?
- No, you're good, mate. - You sure? Allright.
Hey, this was nice, right?
- No, it wasn't. - Yeah, true.
All right, man, see you later.
Can you take a photo?
- No. - No, no, no.
- I can take yours too. - No, it's all right.
My God, okay.
Hey... say hi to your girlfriend for me.
- What? - You...
- I don't have a girlfriend. - Yes, you do...
Stop ruining my cool moment with the window.
Can we just get a drink?
No.
Wait, so you broke up on your birthday?
Yep.
You said that you broke up on New Year's Eve.
That is my birthday.
- I'm so sorry. - Yeah.
So do you combine parties, or do you...
you just do another thing on another day?
Are you sorry about me breaking up
or about my birthday being on New Year's Eve?
Mainly the birthday... yeah, mainly the birthday thing.
Yeah, me too, actually.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's probably 'cause we... Well, I...
I nearly made "The Daily Mail"
the morning that you... well, that we... yeah.
- Shit, I'm so sorry. - No, no, no, it's fine.
It was funny. It was quite funny.
They thought I was the cleaner, so you're safe.
I mean, the speed at which they assumed that was pretty offensive.
Well, that's ridiculous.
I mean, if anything, you left a real mess.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I... okay.
I didn't even put a towel down.
That was a bold move.
My bed looked like a Jackson Pollock painting.
- Shut up. - I had to burn my sheets.
No, you didn't.
No, I didn't.
I put them in the freezer as a keepsake.
Sorry, I just have to make a quick call.
Hello, Metropolitan Police.
I need... yeah, okay, no, I'll hold.
Who played the titular Father Ted?
Dermot Morgan.
- Worth five points. - What?
Quiz.
And the answer is Dermot Morgan.
- You got it right! - I love pub quizzes
in a healthy way, not in a psycho way.
Yeah, me too. I love 'em.
I mean, people say I'm quite competitive
when I do it, but I don't think that... Zsa Zsa Gabor!
- Way too loud. What was that? - I'm sorry.
Just a reminder that teams need to pay the five quid to participate in the quiz.
- Sorry. - Sorry.
Question nine... name three members
of the cast from the 1983 film "The Outsiders."
C. Thomas Howell, Patrick Swayze, Ralph Macchio, Emilio Estevez,
Tom Cruise, Rob Lowe, Matt Dillon.
How do you know that?
I used to be a virgin.
Okay...
- That's gross. - It's gross?
- No, you can't say that. - I can say that.
- That... well, okay. What? - Okay, no, no, no. Okay.
I have a good one.
- A very good one. - Okay.
- Okay, I... the options are... - Give it to me.
Either you can kill a chicken with your bare hands
or you can live with the chicken for a year.
- Live with the chicken. - No, sorry.
- It has to live inside. - Why can't it live outside?
Because the chicken's paying rent.
Do you want to be that kind of landlord?
Really?
Yeah, kill it.
Yeah, cool, I'd do the same.
This is where I live.
- Looks nice. - It is. Yes, it is. It's very nice.
The ninth of it that is ours is pretty cozy.
Right.
So...
I'll see you later.
Actually, probably not.
I'm away for a bit now.
- Cool. Yeah. - Yeah, where are you going?
Prague.
Can't just make up a country, Tom.
Just so you don't...
say, "Okay, I'm going to Prague."
- Great. - Well, yeah, I am.
Yeah, okay. Well, it's good.
- Could I use your loo, actually? - Yes, totally.
- Yeah? Cool. - No, of course, yes.
Should have said something earlier, yeah.
- Should we be winding a bit... Quiet. - Okay, yeah.
- Just bit a quiet. - Where have you been?
I've been texting you...
Hey, I'm Kate.
- Tom. - Yeah.
- Nice to meet you. - Tom.
Tom's here to use the bathroom.
Okay, cool, great, yeah,
love it. It's great up there.
- It's down there? - I can show you.
- It's up on the... - Just on the left.
- Just on the left, yeah. - Okay.
Up.
- What the fuck? - Shut up.
What's he doing here? I thought you were supposed to be with Dan.
I was with Dan, and then Tom was there for some reason,
and then Dan is now going out with Claire, and Claire has a fringe now.
A lot has happened, lot has happened.
Oh, my God.
When it rains, it absolutely pisses itself.
What the fuck? We're out of fucking tea.
Will he have whiskey?
We have ice cream. What's the vibe?
That's the thing. I don't know what the vibe is because he was like,
"Do you wanna go for a drink?" And then we went for a drink.
And then he was like, "I'll walk a little bit of the way with you."
And then he's walked all the way here, and then now he's in here,
and he's upstairs in the bathroom, and I don't know what that is
as a vibe.
Okay, so the vibe is that he has made some bullshit excuse
to come over to our house because he's in love with you
- and you are going to have sex. - Stop it.
Stop it. Shut up.
You're going to go to the Oscars.
Shut up!
You're insane!
- Have you seen how hot he is? - I know.
- Just calm down. - You don't understand.
You're gonna embarrass me. You're gonna embarrass me.
This is the best thing ever. That's why I'm freaking out.
What are you doing?
You are making this hard.
- I'm gonna do whatever... - I don't care...
Hey
How is everything up there?
You were right. It's a real party in there.
Thank you.
I'd better be off.
- Are you sure? Because... - Yeah, no, of course, yeah, please.
It was lovely to meet you.
It was lovely to meet you, Tom.
- I'm sorry. - It was great to see you, pal.
You too, yeah.
- I'll show you out, sorry. - Yeah, yeah, I'll just...
- I'll see you around. - Yeah, totally.
Good night.
Night.
"Pal."
Yeah, it's not great.
Fucking "pal."
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