1
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:07,564
CREDITS

2
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,999
There. I've got you a nice little
blanket. OK?

3
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:36,240
Pop it on there like that, Daddy.

4
00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:38,400
Sit still.

5
00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:46,520
There. Look at you!

6
00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:34,440
Now, a favourite for the Last Night
Of The Proms...

7
00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:39,319
..Henry Wood's Fantasia On British
Sea Songs.

8
00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:42,040
Ha!

9
00:01:46,445 --> 00:01:47,650
_

10
00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:52,519
Dawn, you're missing The Saucy
Arethusa!

11
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:54,080
We'll be through in a minute!

12
00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,880
They don't half work hard on that
spread, do they, Bri?

13
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,799
Remember that cheeseboard last year?

14
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:04,359
Red Leicester, White Stilton and the
Shropshire Blue.

15
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:05,559
Mm. How could I forget?

16
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,839
I was farting The National Anthem all
the way home.

17
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:09,039
Ha!

18
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:11,640
Using the woodwind section, I suppose?

19
00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:18,279
You're taking music as one of your A
levels,

20
00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:19,799
aren't you, Ollie?

21
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:22,719
- What?
- Your Uncle Mick asked you a question.

22
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,479
You still studying music?

23
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:25,679
Music Tech.

24
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:29,599
Oh, right. On the computers and
such. Very wise.

25
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,919
That's the future, isn't it?

26
00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:34,479
Not really - it's more like the
present.

27
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:35,959
Give me vinyl any day.

28
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:37,799
Music is analogue.

29
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:39,519
Needs a range of frequencies.

30
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:43,599
You lose so much compressing it into
one of those little boxes.

31
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:44,999
Little boxes?

32
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,359
IPods or whatever.

33
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:48,119
Shut up, Dad. No-one cares.

34
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,119
- Wanker.
- No, I'm with you, Brian.

35
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,359
Sometimes, the old ways are the best.

36
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:55,600
Ah, well, that's something we can
both agree on at least.

37
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,359
You going to help at all with these
arrangements, Penny?

38
00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:09,199
Or are you just gonna stand there
rubbing that spoon to kingdom come?

39
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:10,719
Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking.

40
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:12,599
Ah, I thought I could smell burning.

41
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,480
Don't let the dog

42
00:03:14,481 --> 00:03:16,359
near the table! Please!

43
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:18,599
Mick smashed a glass there earlier,

44
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:21,119
trying to be Tom Cruise from Cocktail.

45
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:23,399
"Cockup," I told him!

46
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:26,519
I always thought Brian had a bit of
Tom Cruise in him.

47
00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:30,679
Now I think he'd just like a bit of
Tom Cruise in him.

48
00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:34,399
Right, there are two bottles of
water in the conservatory -

49
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:35,959
one still, one sparkling.

50
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,799
Can you get them, please? Thank you.

51
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,840
Well, come on! Chop chop!

52
00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:42,640
Right.

53
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,639
You'll be needing these.

54
00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:49,999
Why? Is Katherine Jenkins making an
appearance?

55
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,679
Don't be so disgusting, Brian.

56
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:53,720
They're for the sobbing.

57
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:03,199
You see, Ollie,

58
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,999
when Henry Wood put these songs
together,

59
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,959
it was to represent the life of a
British sailor

60
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:08,599
in the Battle of Trafalgar.

61
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,879
The call to arms, the thoughts of
home...

62
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:13,719
This one's all about the loss of a
comrade, Tom Bowling.

63
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:17,159
And the Prommers, they all pretend to
cry. See?

64
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:19,679
LAUGHS They're having a good old weep.

65
00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,599
- Why?
- It's tradition, Oliver.

66
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,039
Traditions are important.

67
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,999
Certain songs have got certain
actions.

68
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,799
It's a middle-class Time Warp.

69
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:30,679
The Rocky Horror Show for retired
schoolteachers.

70
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,879
- Enough of your peevishness, please.
Thank you.

71
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,039
This is Oliver's first Last Night.

72
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,319
Heaven knows, it might be Daddy's
last.

73
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,960
So let's just try and enjoy it.

74
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,600
Big hairy bush.

75
00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:49,080
Hello.

76
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:53,039
I saw you earlier, didn't I?

77
00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:54,479
At St Peter's.

78
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,559
I was putting flowers on my mum's
grave.

79
00:04:56,560 --> 00:05:00,839
And then I saw you outside Farmfoods
on the high street.

80
00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:02,719
I gave you a £2 coin.

81
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,199
Do you remember?

82
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,440
Are you following me?

83
00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,359
No English very good.

84
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:12,079
Well, if you've come here to molest
me,

85
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,520
that's just too bad - my husband's in
the other room.

86
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,679
Although the sound is very loud,

87
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,959
so he probably wouldn't hear anything.

88
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:21,080
I'm Penny.

89
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:23,959
Yusuf.

90
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,560
Are you a friend of Dawn and Mick's?

91
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:27,919
I'd be very surprised.

92
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:31,999
She's not normally keen on people of
your... genre.

93
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,959
Friend.

94
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,680
Oh, you've got lovely skin, I know
that.

95
00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:41,039
What was that?

96
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,920
I don't know, a balloon or
something.

97
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,560
Oh, he's shushing them, look!

98
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:52,520
- Oh, he's quite a character, this chap, isn't he?
- Yeah.

99
00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,165
_

100
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:01,559
God, here we go!

101
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:03,919
Jack's The Lad! Ooh-ar, ooh-ar!

102
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,599
This is where the fun starts!

103
00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:08,079
Yes, why bother with the
Shostakovich and the Verdi

104
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:11,120
when you can have the Blue Peter theme
tune instead.

105
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:14,839
Your dad likes all the dreary ones,
Oliver,

106
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,479
but we can't stick 'em.

107
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:17,599
It doesn't get going for us

108
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,319
until the Fantasia Of British Sea
Songs.

109
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:21,599
Fantasia ON British Sea Songs. "On!"

110
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:22,639
All right!

111
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,879
If you're going to destroy a work by
honking all over it,

112
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,359
at least get the bloody name right!
- Don't be such a snob!

113
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,520
I'm not a snob, Dawn, I'm just a
music lover.

114
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,759
Oh, I love it when they change the
tune deliberately

115
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,679
just to get a rise out of the
conductor.

116
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:36,760
Where's your mother?

117
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,119
It's Last Night Of The Proms.

118
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:41,839
They play it all over the world.

119
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:43,559
Well, maybe not where you're from.

120
00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:47,679
This one's called The Sailor's
Hornpipe.

121
00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:49,120
Hornpipe.

122
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:52,799
I want to bob to it.

123
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:54,919
My husband won't bob.

124
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,599
We haven't bobbed in more than three
years!

125
00:06:57,600 --> 00:06:58,839
He says it's because

126
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:00,999
he's depressed about the state of the
country,

127
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,599
but that doesn't stop him watching
RuPaul's Drag Race

128
00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:05,759
in his study till all hours of the
morning!

129
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:08,680
Can you feel my heart beating?

130
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,679
Come on, Oliver! Come on, Daddy!

131
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:19,439
No, I'm all right, thanks, Auntie
Dawn.

132
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,200
No, nonsense. You've got to get into
the spirit of it. Come on!

133
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:26,639
And while we're at it, Delibes'
Flower Duet

134
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,879
is not "the British Airways music".

135
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:30,719
The Largo from Dvorak's New World
Symphony

136
00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:32,319
is not "the Hovis music".

137
00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:34,639
And O Fortuna from Carmina Burana

138
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,239
deserves far greater respect

139
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,039
than being dubbed "the Old Spice
music".

140
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,279
What's Old Spice music?

141
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,679
Theme tune to the X Factor!

142
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:44,279
I can't leave Brian.

143
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:46,119
Don't ask me to.

144
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:47,879
He needs me!

145
00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:49,679
Oh!
- Please.

146
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,800
Where is bathroom?

147
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,719
- Here we go!
- Where are we going?

148
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:56,279
Oh, we're going round. Right.

149
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:59,160
Wahey!

150
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:02,800
Oh, right, Daddy!

151
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:25,199
Oh, well done!

152
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,119
Oh, my God! I'm pooped!

153
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,639
- That's why they call it the poop deck.
- Is it?

154
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,080
I've got no idea.

155
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:35,959
Got a gin and gin tonic itch?

156
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,920
Ooh, yes, please.

157
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,879
Did you enjoy that, Daddy?

158
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,920
Stroke my pizzle.

159
00:08:58,080 --> 00:08:59,559
Can I go now, Dad?

160
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:01,719
No.

161
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:03,959
See it through to the bitter end,

162
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,400
like I have to.

163
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,120
Can I have a drink, then?

164
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:10,640
Of course not!

165
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:18,439
? There's no place like home. ?

166
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,519
Oh, I'm making a sampler of that.

167
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,639
Tuesday night craft club.

168
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,999
I'm going to hang it there, just
beside the fireplace.

169
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:29,319
Don't you need Ralph's permission to
do that?

170
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,799
Oh, he won't mind. Will you, Daddy?

171
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:34,439
Sieg heil! Hande hoch!

172
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,239
What's it to you, anyway?

173
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:37,600
Nothing.

174
00:09:54,206 --> 00:09:58,165
_

175
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,479
Oh, here she is!

176
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,319
You just missed a stomping Hornpipe.

177
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:18,279
No, I felt it. I heard it. I had my
hands full.

178
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:20,759
Ollie was up, boogying with the
oldies.

179
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,679
He taught me a few moves. Dab!

180
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:24,199
Where the heck have you been?

181
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:25,799
Oh, I went to get the water.

182
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,759
Well, this is supposed to be a
family gathering

183
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,959
and all I've got is Daddy shouting
obscenities,

184
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,319
Oliver on his mobile telephone

185
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:35,399
and your husband giving me lessons on
classical music.

186
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:36,639
- Sorry!
- Well, come on, then,

187
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,639
make yourself useful, please. Thank
you.

188
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:40,319
Standing there like a stick of
rhubarb.

189
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:41,840
Oliver's spitting feathers.

190
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:59,639
See, The Conquering Hero Comes!

191
00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:02,159
Glad to see you've still got your
glass full.

192
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,199
Well, how else am I going to get
through it?

193
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,879
What? You mean this night, or our
marriage?

194
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,959
Are you enjoying yourself, Oliver?

195
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,079
It's all right.

196
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,919
What time does it finish?

197
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,760
Auld Lang Syne. Dab!

198
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,279
We were going to get you a flag

199
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,359
as part of your birthday present,
weren't we, Pen?

200
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,439
If you're talking about the EU flag,

201
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:27,519
then, no, thank you very much.

202
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,199
Up yours, Delors!

203
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:32,759
I think it's scandalous they let so
many in this year.

204
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:33,959
What? Flags or foreigners?

205
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,759
The flags!

206
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,239
It's like bloomin' Eurovision at
times.

207
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,239
It's supposed to be an English concert

208
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:41,279
for English people.

209
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:42,559
BRITISH people, Auntie Dawn.

210
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:44,639
Aye, let's not forget

211
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:45,959
the wee Scots folk out there.

212
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,959
And the Welsh as
well, boyo.

213
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,319
They've got damn fine singing voices!

214
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,280
Oh, I went a bit Pakistani there,
didn't I?

215
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:09,439
Boris! What have you done?

216
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:11,919
Naughty dog! Naughty!

217
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:16,319
Mm, who have we got singing
Britannia this year?

218
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,919
Very serious looking, isn't he?

219
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:19,960
Mm. Handsome, though.

220
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,439
He's got a look of George Bush about
him.

221
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:32,559
? When Britain first... ?

222
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,080
Boobies!

223
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:36,599
Don't laugh, Oliver, please.

224
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:37,879
It's his medication.

225
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:42,559
? Pree-eee-eeety jugs! ?

226
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:43,759
Before his diagnosis,

227
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:47,039
I never once heard him say a cuss
word.

228
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,479
Now...

229
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,440
..it's like living with Sid James.

230
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,159
Mum? What is this?

231
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,200
Just mineral water.

232
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:05,399
? Rule, Britannia Britannia rules
the waves

233
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:10,479
? Britons never ever, ever shall be
slaves

234
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:14,679
? Rule, Britannia Britannia rules the
waves... ?

235
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,159
It's "rule", not "rules"!

236
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:19,639
Rule, comma, Britannia, exclamation
mark,

237
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:21,839
Britannia, comma, rule the waves.

238
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,719
It's an exhortation. It's not a
statement of fact!

239
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,999
- Oh, shut up!
- No, no, I won't shut up!

240
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:28,959
We had our charter of the land, and
you lost.

241
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,999
- Oh, we said we weren't going to mention that this year.
- 52%.

242
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:35,079
It's not my fault the slugs voted
for more salt!

243
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,159
You're just jealous cos we got our
country back.

244
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:38,759
Oh, YOUR country?!

245
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:39,999
- Yeah.
- Really?

246
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,279
- Yes!
- Brian!

247
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:44,279
Well, you are welcome to it. Look at
'em!

248
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:45,799
Little England.

249
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,519
The Classic FM brigade.

250
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:52,399
The sort of people whose idea of
humour is a pigeon landing

251
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,879
on Centre Court at Wimbledon. I'm
sorry, Dawn,

252
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,959
but what you don't realise is people
like...

253
00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:01,879
? Rule, Britannia Britannia rules
the waves

254
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:06,839
? Britons never ever, ever shall be
slaves! ?

255
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:08,120
Yeah!

256
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,639
Makes you proud, though, doesn't it,
Bri?

257
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,799
No other country in the world could do
this - the pageantry of it!

258
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:29,159
Oh, I don't know. North Koreans
could give it a good go.

259
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,999
I'm sorry, but when did it become a
crime to love your country?

260
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,039
I mean, what happened to you to make
you so full of bitterness?

261
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,519
Oh, you love your country, do you,
Dawn?

262
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:38,719
Are you sure about that?

263
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:40,959
- What?
- He doesn't love anything.

264
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,159
He's a hollowed-out husk of a man!

265
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,599
Oh, piss off! I love things. I love
my car.

266
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,959
I love my record collection. I love
the gym.

267
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:50,079
You love the changing rooms,

268
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:53,519
full of willies and hairy bum holes!
- What?!

269
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:58,439
? Rule, Britannia Britannia, rule
the waves

270
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:04,439
? Britons never ever, ever shall be
slaves

271
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:10,279
? Rule, Britannia Britannia, rule the
waves

272
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:13,719
? Britons never, ever, ever

273
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,919
? Shall be

274
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:20,960
? Slaves! ?

275
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:24,119
Fan-bloody-tastic!

276
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,639
As Mr Punch would say,

277
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,599
"That's the way to do it!"

278
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:31,919
Oh, just ignore him, Penny, he's a
miserable bastard.

279
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:33,839
Oh, you calling me a bastard?

280
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,959
That's rich!
- Well, yeah, sitting there

281
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,199
with your snide insinuendos

282
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:38,719
when we're all trying to have fun.

283
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,159
Oh, leave it, Dawny.

284
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,119
Well, look, I've got no hard
feelings.

285
00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:43,759
You can say that again.

286
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:47,239
And to prove it, I've got you a
little birthday present.

287
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:51,119
I know it isn't your birthday for
another couple of weeks,

288
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:53,800
but it seemed appropriate.

289
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:01,079
I told him not to print it.

290
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,639
Freddie did it for me at the gym.

291
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:04,999
Bum chums.

292
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,439
What is it? Penny?

293
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,839
Well, we knew you were tracing our
family tree,

294
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,959
and I thought it might be fun to do a
DNA test for you.

295
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,239
Mick got us the swab.

296
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,359
Remember when I said I wanted to
count your teeth,

297
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:17,799
cos it had come up on the pub quiz?

298
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,559
I managed to get a sneaky little
cotton bud in there!

299
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:22,759
So we sent it away to the labs in
America.

300
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,760
They don't claim to have 100%
accuracy.

301
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:33,159
- _
- You're 62% German, Fraulein Schmidt.

302
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:35,399
- What?
- Bloody hell!

303
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,999
Well, that's going back hundreds of
years, mind.

304
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:41,759
Und so, ve decided to play detective

305
00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,439
and do ze test with Penny.

306
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,719
Und, surprisingly, her results

307
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:48,079
were entirely different to yours.

308
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:49,479
And zen we did the test with Ralph,

309
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:51,919
and his results were the same as
Penny's.

310
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:55,599
Hmm, something is rotten in the state
of Denmark.

311
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,399
What's he blethering on about?

312
00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,999
I was told I was conceived on
holiday in Weston-super-Mare.

313
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,519
Well, it seems that Mummy went
skiing in the Bavarian Alps.

314
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,679
Daddy refused to go with her.

315
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,559
He's always hated the Germans because
of the war.

316
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,039
And so she went on her own.

317
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:14,279
Und brought back a rather unusual
souvenir.

318
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:15,599
Achtung, baby!

319
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,439
All right, Brian, pack it in now!

320
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,199
Mum, I don't feel very well.

321
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,399
And, so, when Daddy,

322
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,599
who, it turns out, isn't really Daddy,

323
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:25,359
eventually pops his Crocs,

324
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:28,359
this house, where you and your tit of
a husband

325
00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:31,479
have been cuckoos in the nest for over
20 years,

326
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,159
is going to come to us -

327
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:36,679
me and Penny, the legitimate daughter!

328
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,399
So stick that in your meerschaum pipe

329
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:39,439
and smoke it!

330
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:40,959
Oh!

331
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,399
For goodness' sake, what have you been
drinking?!

332
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:46,480
Water!

333
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,920
- Jesus Christ!
- Who the bloody hell's that?!

334
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:54,959
He comes to take me away.

335
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:56,679
He's come to take me away.

336
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:58,119
It's all right, Dad.

337
00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,599
Daddy... Just...

338
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:00,999
Everybody just be calm.

339
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,679
How did you get in here?

340
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:04,079
Penny?

341
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:05,359
- Do you know this person?
- No.

342
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:06,599
Friend.

343
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,279
Well, he seems to know who you are.

344
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,520
No, I've never seen him before in my
life!

345
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,519
Please...

346
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:14,799
Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

347
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,239
You stay where you are, mate.

348
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,039
Oh, now who's a Little Englander?!

349
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:19,279
Oh, shut up, Helga!

350
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,119
He could have a bomb or anything. Put
your hands up!

351
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,399
Oh, I don't think that's
necessary.

352
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,439
He's probably one of these illegal
immigrants

353
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,399
come from that detention centre in
Yeovil.

354
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:29,879
Well, what's he doing here, then?!

355
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,079
I don't know, he's probably just
hungry.

356
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:33,559
Do you want some bread

357
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,479
or a little bowl of milk or something?

358
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,159
He's not a hedgehog, Mick.

359
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:38,240
Hands up!

360
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:47,719
? Land of hope and glory... ?

361
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,359
Well, I'll be blowed!

362
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:51,320
Dawn! Penny!

363
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,519
What? What is it?

364
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,879
When I came through earlier, all
this food had been eaten.

365
00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:00,799
- Eaten?
- Yeah. The dog must have climbed up on a chair or something.

366
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,000
And now...
- It's a miracle!

367
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:05,280
Do you think he could be...

368
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,279
..from Ocado?

369
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:10,319
I'm sorry about this.

370
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,679
I just want to be sure you're not
carrying

371
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:13,879
a concealed weapon.

372
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:19,199
People get tied up, gagged, forcibly
broken into.

373
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,119
I... I don't want that to happen to
me.

374
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:22,159
Dad...

375
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:23,960
..he's bleeding.

376
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:30,879
He's come back, just like the song
said he would.

377
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:32,319
What song? What you on about?

378
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:33,599
A New Jerusalem.

379
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,079
You were an awfully long time in
that conservatory, Penny.

380
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:37,759
You sure you don't know what's going
on?

381
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,479
I told you, I've never seen him...

382
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,799
What?

383
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:43,800
I denied him three times!

384
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:48,199
Oh, my Lord! I'm so sorry!

385
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,199
I am so, so sorry!

386
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,199
What are you talking about? I never
touched him.

387
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,279
I think the best thing is if I just
phone the police.

388
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:58,359
No! They'll persecute him and stick
him in a cell.

389
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:01,039
We've got to do something, Penny. I
can't have him standing there,

390
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,999
bleeding all over my house!
- Er, it's not your house, remember?

391
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,519
- Oh, fuck off, Brian.
- Oh!

392
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,399
You'll have to forgive my
sister-in-law.

393
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:08,599
What's your name?
- Yusuf.

394
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,879
She's had a rather nasty shock. She,
like you,

395
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:13,479
finds herself far from her motherland.

396
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:16,399
This piece of paper means nothing to
me.

397
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:18,559
Do you understand? Nothing!

398
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:21,519
It doesn't change who I am or what I
believe in.

399
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:22,679
I love my country!

400
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,999
And I'm sick and tired of people like
you doing us down!

401
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,759
I'm not ready to go yet!

402
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,199
I thought you'd be pleased -

403
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:30,959
coming from the land of Beethoven's
Ninth

404
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,319
and Black Forest gateau, Volkswagen
and Audi.

405
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,399
Vorsprung durch Technik and Arbeit
macht frei...

406
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:36,999
You're a monster!

407
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,079
Oh, let's put shells on little
sticks,

408
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,719
so you can poke around in your own
stool to see how healthy you are!

409
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:44,200
For the love of God, will
you leave her alone?!

410
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:51,799
? Land of hope and glory

411
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:57,079
? Mother of the free... ?

412
00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:00,360
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
- ? How shall we extol thee? ?

413
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,560
Oh, Dad!

414
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,720
It's OK.

415
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,719
Sorry.

416
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,399
It's all right, just look at me.
Look at me.

417
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:15,839
It's all right. Sh.

418
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,239
It's OK. It's all right. Everything's
OK. It's OK.

419
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:21,719
It's OK. It's all right.

420
00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:24,240
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

421
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:29,120
Forgive them, Father, for they know
not what they do.

422
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,000
Stop it, Brian! Stop it!

423
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:40,919
? Make thee

424
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:47,080
? Mightier yet! ?

425
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,520
I... I'm thirsty...

426
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:47,839
? And did those feet in ancient
times

427
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:54,079
? Walk upon England's mountains green?

428
00:22:54,080 --> 00:23:00,399
? And was the holy Lamb of God

429
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:06,879
? On England's pleasant pastures seen?

430
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:12,799
? And did the Countenance Divine

431
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:18,919
? Shine forth upon our clouded hills?

432
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:25,439
? And was Jerusalem builded here

433
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:28,319
? Among these dark

434
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:33,680
? Satanic mills?

435
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:45,199
? Bring me my bow

436
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:48,959
? Of burning gold

437
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:54,999
? Bring me my arrows of desire

438
00:23:55,000 --> 00:24:00,879
? Bring me my spear O clouds unfold

439
00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:07,599
? Bring me my chariot of fire

440
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:13,599
? I will not cease from mental fight

441
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:20,359
? Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand

442
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:26,679
? Till we have built Jerusalem

443
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:29,359
? In England's green

444
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:35,400
? And pleasant land. ?

445
00:24:58,360 --> 00:24:59,840
He's fast asleep.

446
00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:02,760
I, erm...

447
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:06,479
I put Oliver in Mummy's bed.

448
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:09,199
Can't remember the last time it was
slept in.

449
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,839
I can.

450
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,559
Last year, when we had that argument
about cream teas.

451
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:16,800
- It's jam first.
- It's cream first.

452
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:21,119
Anyway, I was despatched from the
marital bed

453
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:24,839
and that's where I ended up spending
the night.

454
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:27,839
You did a great job with the room.

455
00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:29,359
Yeah.

456
00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:31,639
Oh, and I found The Angel...

457
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:34,320
Islington, so we've got a full
Monopoly now.

458
00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:37,919
Oh, well, there's some good news.

459
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:39,320
Good news?!

460
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:43,479
I was just explaining to Penny

461
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:45,840
that all that food came out of our
chest freezer, so...

462
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:49,200
..not a miracle after all.

463
00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:52,559
Maybe he was some kind of chef.

464
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:53,839
- Mm.
- Yeah.

465
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:57,439
And those water bottles, I use for
my home brew,

466
00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,479
so they could easily have had alcohol
in them.

467
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:00,799
That explains that.

468
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,359
And the stigmata?

469
00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:04,439
I told you earlier.

470
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:06,840
Mick smashed a glass. He probably just
cut himself.

471
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,559
He wasn't special, darling.

472
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,000
He wasn't the Second Coming.

473
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:15,800
Just a strange man who broke into our
house.

474
00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:19,000
We had to defend ourselves.

475
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,719
Englishman's home and all that.

476
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:24,159
That's right, Brian.

477
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:26,360
It's Daddy's home.

478
00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:30,640
We had to do what was best by him.

479
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:33,360
Absolutely.

480
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:38,720
He had such beautiful skin.

481
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:46,960
? Should old acquaintance be forgot

482
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:53,239
? And never brought to mind?

483
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:58,719
? Should old acquaintance be forgot

484
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:03,399
? For the sake of auld lang syne

485
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:07,719
? For auld lang syne

486
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:09,519
? My dear

487
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:14,159
? For auld lang syne

488
00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:20,039
? We'll take a cup o' kindness yet

489
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:23,919
? For auld lang syne. ?

490
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:30,519
? For auld lang syne, my dear

491
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:36,119
? For auld lang syne

492
00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:41,759
? We'll take a cup o' kindness yet

493
00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:43,919
? For the sake

494
00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:46,359
? Of auld lang

495
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:51,040
? Syne. ?

496
00:27:55,160 --> 00:28:01,160
CREDITS