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- No. - Why not?
- I don't want to. - You have to.
I write my own destiny.
Look, being sad doesn't make you interesting.
I am not sad.
I just don't observe the Western notion
of the "New Year."
- Really? - Yeah.
I celebrate the Chinese New Year actually.
Right. Okay.
When is Chinese New Year?
- May, is it? - Right.
I genuinely don't have time for this.
I look amazing, and you look okay.
- I'll see you in there. - No!
Fine. Fine.
Fine!
You're breaking my balls here.
Yes! Happy new year!
Okay, baby. We're gonna have a good night.
It's gonna be a really interesting year for currency.
There's gonna be so... there's so many currencies now
which are just on the up, you know?
I mean, you have to know which to go for.
Aluminum. You got to invest in aluminum.
That's the big one. Then gold.
Bitcoin is... I know it's a cliché...
but Bitcoin is the one.
I mean, that's the interesting thing about Bitcoin.
It really is the people's currency.
I love it!
- Another round? - Yes!
Yes. I'm sorry, yes, yes.
I would love another gin and tonic.
Okay.
I'll have a glass of red wine.
I will also have that, a glass of red wine,
in addition to the gin and tonic.
No problem. Whatever the lady wants.
Oh, my God.
Just so you know, I'm only interested in Kate.
- Yeah, okay. - Just Kate.
- Copy that. - Thanks.
What was that?
He thinks you're fit.
Oh, my God! That's electric.
Kate!
Shall we get espresso martinis?
Yeah!
Hello?
My name is Jessie.
I just need to pee.
I'm a very normal girl.
_
Poor Donna.
James, James Bond.
What are you doing?
You're drunk.
Jessie is drunk.
Yeah!
Hilo... hello.
Hi, Jessie.
How did you know my name?
You've said it a number of times since you came in here.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Right.
What were you doing in there?
Peeing.
Pee... but you can do it standing up.
Yeah, I treated myself to a sit down one.
Being able to pee standing up is a gift.
You would pee in a gift horse's mouth?
Yeah, I would.
Disgusting.
You know, it's Bond, James Bond.
You were doing it the wrong way around.
That was actually a private conversation.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- Sorry. - Okay. No worries.
You were right about one thing though.
You do seem drunk.
Okay.
So is it an actual coin?
No?
No.
- Right. - It... yeah.
- So it's like modern day. - Yeah, yeah.
It's kind of like a modern...
you know, it's a modern currency. It's a modern currency.
So if I said, "Can I have some bit?"
Yeah, I'd say, "Yes, please, come to my office right away."
Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just joking.
I... people say I kind of random sense of humor.
What?
You're funny.
I... that's my library card.
I like to read.
I've got some more in here.
Bathroom!
- Hey. Hello again. - Yeah.
I know you.
Do you work at the Shepherd's Bush Superdrug?
No.
What? That's crazy.
Okay, well, there is someone who works there
who looks exactly like you.
- He's not me. - Okay.
Is he good-looking?
- Say what? - Superdrug guy.
Yeah. My gosh.
Schmokin'.
Okay. Well, thanks.
No, it's... I mean the Superdrug guy was hot.
But you said I look just like him.
No... I mean, I feel like
you've got a similar essence to him.
- What? - You have a similar essence.
Right. You didn't say "essence." You said "issance."
Funny. I've got a funny accent. Great.
Ten, nine...
- I don't wanna lose my spot. - Eight, seven...
- Six, five... - Fair enough.
You don't have to kiss me or anything.
Genuinely didn't cross my mind.
Should we split this or should I put some money into your account or...
No, it's fine. Don't worry.
- I've got it. - Okay.
- Do you wanna have sex? - We're having sex.
Yeah, I know, but do you want to?
- Yeah. - Yeah, okay.
- I'm just checking it's not a mistake. - It's not a mistake.
Okay. All right.
- Wait... do you wanna be having sex? - Yeah.
You?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Great.
All right.
What the fuck?
- Oi. - Yeah?
What's your name?
You don't know my name?
I know who you are.
Yeah. I should hope so.
You're the guy from the thing.
- What? - I just... my... my God.
What the hell?
How could you not tell me this?
- What do you mean? - Who you are, what you do.
I did actually.
What do you do?
I'm an actor.
No thanks.
When did we eat cereal?
Why are you wearing my coat?
This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
Okay, I'm not sure why you're freaking out.
My God.
I can't believe I let you go down on me.
Let me? You told me to.
Well, you shouldn't have done it.
'Cause if I'd have known who you were,
I would not have let that happen.
You didn't seem to mind last night.
Well...
I was acting.
No, you weren't.
Were you?
No, no.
Well, yes. Yeah. Yeah, I'm...
Yeah.
I was,
only 'cause I can't...
I can't, you know,
when I'm tipsy. And so...
I still enjoyed it.
Okay. Yeah.
- Sorry. - No, no. It's fine. I mean...
Same, you know?
Yeah.
- Sorry. What do you mean by that? - I mean...
I didn't...
either, you know?
- Yes, you did. - No, I didn't.
- I'm pretty sure you did. - No, I really didn't.
- No, you did. - No.
What? So you faked it?
Yeah. I guess.
I can't... I can't believe this.
You just told me you did exactly the same thing.
I must not have been giving it my all.
I think you were trying pretty hard.
Sorry, no offense, but you didn't see me
at full tilt obviously.
I'm pretty sure I saw it all.
I think,
if you would have seen it all,
- you would know. - Really?
Like you wouldn't be able to walk.
- God, that sounds awful. - Yeah, I know.
You'd be ruined for other women.
Well, for the record,
I wasn't really trying either.
Not true actually.
I specifically remember you saying,
"This is some of my best stuff."
Yeah, I would never have said that.
Yeah, that was the subtext of what you were saying.
I was reading between the lines.
Can you believe that was still only 75%?
- My God. - Stop trying to win at kissing.
You stop tying to win at kissing.
I'm obviously better at it than you.
Jesus. You look like shit.
Hey, it's New Year's Day. What do you expect from me?
To not show up to work in last night's clothes.
You know what, that is fair. That is really fair.
Aren't you gonna ask though why I haven't changed or...?
No.
It's a great story though.
Kids, Jessie's here.
I thought we were getting Shivani.
My God, why don't you just marry Shivani then?
I don't wanna marry her.
There's nothing in the fridge.
I'm going to bed.
All right. Hand it over. Come on. Come on.
There we go.
Now who has seen "Goodfellas?"
Hey!
Where have you been?
I texted you, didn't I?
I can't find my phone.
So...
If I said the name
Tom Kapoor to you,
what would that kind of...
what response would that kind of get?
- Hot. - Yeah.
Well, you know he was there last night.
That's exciting.
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
What?
- My God! - All right.
I know! I know.
How did this happen? No. Tell me everything.
I don't know. I don't. I mean genuinely I don't know.
I mean 'cause I was quite drunk.
But I do remember I kept asking him
if he wanted to do it, like, while we were doing it.
- You do do that. - Yeah.
But this morning, I had sex with him again.
And Kate, I was barely drunk that time.
That is so sweet.
And... yeah. This is the best part.
Two hours later, I got my period.
Like, what is that? Touched by an angel. Like, that's... the timing of that.
Will you see him again?
- I don't know. - You probably won't see him again.
Maybe I'll see him again.
He's a famous actor, and you're a little rat nobody.
That's so harsh, but it's true.
But you know what?
What's done is done. Like, he can't take it back.
I am forever a stain on his sexual history.
I know!
I knew you were gonna react like this.
Wow, okay.
Yep.
I'm gonna get in the shower actually.
- Yeah. - Jill.
- Jessie. - Yes.
Close. Really close.
- Hey. - Yeah.
Your...
Your toilet's completely blocked.
Popcorn and water.
That's 5.50. Thank you.
Your favorite film is "Schindler's List?"
No.
That's... this is not my badge.
'Cause it's a pretty obvious choice, no offense.
Again, I'm not Mike. That's not my...
- Everything okay here? - Yeah, totally.
I actually haven't even seen "Schindler's List."
- You've never seen "Schindler's List?" - No.
No. I've seen "Son of Saul."
- That's devastating, isn't it? - I can't believe you've never seen "Schindler."
What is your favorite film?
I don't know, man.
"Rush Hour 2."
It's a great, great flick.
Your film is starting now.
Good chat... Mike.
What a dick.
What is wrong with me? I kind of loved that.
That was hot.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, totally.
I actually love the "Rush Hour" franchise.
Tom?
- Hi. - Hi!
It's crazy.
- I work just there. - Yeah, I just...
I remember you said you worked at a cinema in Hackney.
But there are a lot of cinemas in Hackney.
But then I remembered you said it was near the Overground, so...
yeah.
Good work, Detective Morse.
Inspector Morse.
Yeah, he's not a detective. He's an inspector.
What are you doing here?
Actually,
you left this at my flat.
That's not mine.
- Really? - No.
I'll have it though.
Okay. Well, that's weird.
I came to return this.
It's not yours.
And... now I look like a psycho so...
I should probably head off.
Okay. All right.
- Bye. - Yeah, see ya.
I'm so sorry. I'm walking this way as well.
- Yeah. - Okay.
I... yeah... I'm so...
so I can walk a bit with you?
- Yeah, sure. - Yeah.
Probably good actually. It'll be good.
Just in case some crazy super fan kills you on the way home.
What if you kill me?
Please. I'm not a fan.
But there is this amazing abandoned warehouse that I really wanna show you.
- Yeah, I've actually got a couple of auditions... - Really?
They're probably listening to us right now, this conversation.
- The government? - Yeah.
Big Brother's always watching. Wake up, sheeple.
I hope they didn't just hear you say "sheeple."
I hope they did so they can know that I'm onto them.
- Do you wanna come in? - Yes, no.
I didn't mean for it to sound like that.
Like I wanted something to happen.
No, no, no. I do.
I want... I want to
have something... have something happen.
Okay. Cool. Me too.
Great. No, I...
I got my period this afternoon.
For the first time?
Yeah.
That's very funny. You actually made me laugh.
I don't usually find men funny,
so that's a real win for you.
No, I just... I just wanted to flag it
because sometimes people can be a bit...
You do know I'm an adult man, don't you?
I hope they heard what you just said for your sake.
That was great.
That was...
I liked... I liked that.
What about that? How much did that cost?
I don't know.
What about that?
I'm not sure. It was just here when I got the place.
How much was this cup?
It's rude to talk about money, you know?
Well, silence is a tool of the oppressor.
And what do you mean by that?
I don't know, but it sounds true,
and it sounds quite smart, so that's why I said it.
So, do you like working at the cinema?
So do you like being an actor?
- What? - No, sorry, sorry.
It's just sort of a weird question.
Well, I just wanna know things about you.
Why?
So I can describe you to the police when you steal my cup.
I won't... I won't steal it.
What are you parents' names?
David and Liz.
And which one do you like more?
My mum, I guess.
But I ruined her body,
so she's earned my loyalty in a way.
Do you wanna ask me anything?
Yes. Sorry. Yeah, of course.
Okay. What is your favorite color?
- Blue. - Cool. Okay.
What is your...
- second favorite color? - Come on.
No, I... That's a good question to be fair.
I feel like it says a lot about someone, what their second favorite is.
My second favorite color is green.
You have five minutes to think of a better question.
Okay. Fine.
Charge your phone, you dumbass.
You know what? Can I change my answer?
I don't think blue is my favorite color anymore.
I can't hear you thinking.
Come on. Next question.
Over here. Over here.
Homewrecker!
- Homewrecker! - Wait! Wait!
It's just the cleaner.
Yeah.
Yeah, sorry.
- Sorry, love. - Yeah.
- It's an honest job. - Thank you.
Have a great day.
Jessie?
_
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