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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

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- Baruch Atah Ado... Ugh.
- _

3
00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:23,856
Baruch Atah Ado... Ugh!

4
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:27,187
You know what?
This just doesn't feel right.

5
00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:31,197
Something is missing.
Maybe... someone.

6
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:34,238
Oh, I don't know.
How about me?

7
00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:37,620
Or should I say you?

8
00:00:37,621 --> 00:00:40,371
# Baruch Atah HaShem #

9
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,134
# Eloheinu #

10
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:45,670
# Eloheinu #

11
00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:50,973
# Malkeinu #

12
00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:55,388
- Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lou.
- Ha, ha. Lou, please.

13
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,179
Boys! Might we return to the prayer?

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Right on, Rabbi.
Okay. A-one, two, three, four...

15
00:01:02,731 --> 00:01:06,189
You know, this next prayer
reminds me of my childhood,

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00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:08,568
from way back yesterday.

17
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:12,109
I grew up on the east side,
the east side of the house.

18
00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:16,075
Wow, they are committed to... that.

19
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,116
Oh, I walked in
on the cutest thing last night.

20
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,290
The Lous were practicing
for their first slow dance

21
00:01:20,291 --> 00:01:21,914
at today's reception.

22
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,415
Ohh. Well, that'll be tricky
without any kids coming.

23
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,038
- Wait, what?
- No kids are coming.

24
00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:28,264
Remember, the Lous wanted
an intimate occasion.

25
00:01:28,265 --> 00:01:32,425
No, they said they wanted it to be
an Entenmann's occasion.

26
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,426
Nothing but Entenmann's baked goods
to be served.

27
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:37,597
Ohhh. That actually makes
more sense. For Lou.

28
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,766
Wait, no one is gonna be
at this reception?

29
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:44,767
Oh. It'll be okay.
Lou's got a healthy confidence.

30
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:47,440
Lou, healthy, that's ringing a bell.

31
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:50,191
Wait, that's not quite right.
Lou unhealthy!

32
00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:51,450
That's what it was!
Oh yeah!

33
00:01:51,451 --> 00:01:53,735
The Rabbi warned us
that the divorce was causing

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00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:56,368
deep, irreparable damage
and was manifesting in Lou

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00:01:56,369 --> 00:01:58,446
using his weirdness to push kids away.

36
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,952
And you're just telling me
about this now?

37
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:03,083
You were there
and holding flowers and...

38
00:02:03,084 --> 00:02:06,629
Oh nope, remembering now,
it was a vase shaped like you.

39
00:02:06,630 --> 00:02:09,457
Which is quite a compliment.
That vase was fine as hell.

40
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:10,983
If something was wrong, I would know.

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00:02:10,984 --> 00:02:12,904
# You know it's my Bar Mitzvah! #

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# So come, big boy #

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# Make a man out of me! #

44
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And me!

45
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:21,724
We have to do something.

46
00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:24,055
No one showing up to your Bar Mitzvah
is the kind of thing

47
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that traumatizes a kid for life.

48
00:02:25,900 --> 00:02:29,266
People said the same thing about me
walking in on my parents having sex

49
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:32,954
but Baby is
perfectly normal, right, Mommy?

50
00:02:32,955 --> 00:02:37,114
- Oh god, what have we done.
- Okay, okay. I'll fix this.

51
00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:39,695
Hurry, they're break-dancing...
sort of.

52
00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,041
- Faster! Faster!
- Faster!

53
00:02:41,042 --> 00:02:43,955
- Please. I am so tired.
- Faster! Faster!

54
00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:46,116
- Keep spinning us!
- Keep spinning us!

55
00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:54,050
Melissa, I need your help...

56
00:02:54,051 --> 00:02:55,879
What the hell?
I gave you $800

57
00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:57,763
to buy a new camera
to film the Bar Mitzvah!

58
00:02:57,764 --> 00:03:00,471
Yeah, and I used it
to buy a new Stark Phone.

59
00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:02,601
That's not Hebrew.
You're just scatting.

60
00:03:02,602 --> 00:03:04,639
Everyone has googly eyes!

61
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,772
I take it back.
Money well spent.

62
00:03:06,773 --> 00:03:09,400
And this filter makes everyone
look like puppets.

63
00:03:09,401 --> 00:03:11,607
Uhhh! Utterly macabre!

64
00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:14,438
Now come on, I need your help
to save Lou's Bar Mitzvah reception.

65
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:15,864
I didn't even get a reception.

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00:03:15,865 --> 00:03:18,406
After my Bat Mitzvah, we just broke
into our neighbor's house

67
00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:19,527
while they were on vacation.

68
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They had Showtime, Melissa.

69
00:03:21,290 --> 00:03:25,205
We finally got to watch Ray Donovan.
I'd call that pretty memorable.

70
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:28,501
Every time I help you,
it ends up blowing up in my face.

71
00:03:28,502 --> 00:03:31,960
If you don't want to do it for me,
do it for the Lous.

72
00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:33,131
Fine, what do you need?

73
00:03:33,132 --> 00:03:34,589
You're a teen. Get me teens.

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00:03:34,590 --> 00:03:37,678
Hot teens! Cold teens!
Poutine! Teen dreams! Dream teams!

75
00:03:37,679 --> 00:03:39,846
With Scottie Pip-een!
All types of teens!

76
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I need teens!

77
00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:43,517
Okay, I get it.
I think I know where the teens are.

78
00:03:43,518 --> 00:03:46,434
Right, the old pumpkin patch!
It's hayride season!

79
00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:47,935
They'll all be in the corn maze,

80
00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:50,726
and then it's as simple as lighting it
on fire and smokin' em out.

81
00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:55,234
Yeah. That. Or...

82
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_

83
00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:59,872
Hi, I'm a big-time casting director
for a new show called

84
00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:01,525
That's So Torah!

85
00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:02,992
And it films today.

86
00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:04,327
- Really?
- Yes.

87
00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:07,828
I'm looking for that "it" factor,
an almost impossibly rare star quality.

88
00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:09,431
And great news,
all three of you have it.

89
00:04:09,434 --> 00:04:11,064
Is that girl with you?
She's got it too.

90
00:04:11,065 --> 00:04:12,671
Are you saying we get to be on TV?

91
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,362
No!

92
00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:21,597
- I mean, no, not TV... it's HBO!
- Huh. What's it about?

93
00:04:21,598 --> 00:04:25,135
It's four teenage friends
who attend a Bar Mitz...

94
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:26,309
- It's Night Court!
- Right.

95
00:04:26,310 --> 00:04:28,437
It's a Bar Mitzvah meets Night Court...

96
00:04:28,438 --> 00:04:31,095
No! Just Night Court.
Night Court meets Night Court.

97
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,404
With maybe a little ALF?

98
00:04:32,405 --> 00:04:34,147
No, no! Just Night Court.

99
00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:36,569
- Wait, what's Night Court?
- What's Night Court?

100
00:04:36,570 --> 00:04:41,158
- Dad, we don't have time...
- We are watching an episode!

101
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:44,910
Aw.

102
00:04:44,911 --> 00:04:46,911
Okay, so you're all cast.
We shoot now. Let's go.

103
00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:49,622
Uh... a real show
would have auditions.

104
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:53,960
Oh it's a real show alright.
It's a net-work show.

105
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:56,838
Aww!

106
00:04:56,839 --> 00:04:59,259
And auditions are this way.

107
00:05:00,181 --> 00:05:03,221
- _
- "Lou, do you want to dance with me?

108
00:05:03,222 --> 00:05:06,010
Also, your dad is
as cool as a young person."

109
00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:09,725
- It's an absolute pass from me.
- Dad, we need more bodies.

110
00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:11,476
You're cast. Next.

111
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,437
Go ahead and waste
our time I guess.

112
00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:15,938
"Lou, do you want to dance with me?

113
00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:18,861
Also, your dad is as cool
as a young person."

114
00:05:19,236 --> 00:05:21,316
What? Say it again!

115
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,618
- "Lou, do you... "
- Stop! She's the one!

116
00:05:23,619 --> 00:05:25,615
Everyone else go home!
Oh my god, Melissa...

117
00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:27,407
I'm serious, go home!

118
00:05:27,411 --> 00:05:29,201
That's So Torah! is happening.

119
00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:31,831
What's your name, girl?
Say it to me in lights.

120
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,625
- Sarah.
- Sarah!

121
00:05:34,649 --> 00:05:36,827
_

122
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:40,337
Dad! What are you doing?
It's not a real show!

123
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:44,220
It wasn't a real show!
But with Sarah, anything's possible!

124
00:05:44,221 --> 00:05:46,469
It's not a real show?
Okay, I'm outta here.

125
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:48,971
No, Sarah, no!
Let me get you under contract!

126
00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:52,055
Well, I hope you're happy, Melissa.

127
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,810
You cost me getting Sarah under contract.

128
00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:56,573
It was going to be a long,
horrible contract.

129
00:05:56,597 --> 00:05:58,978
I was going to have rights
to any treasure she found.

130
00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:01,819
I would own her bones after she died!

131
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:04,070
You just cost us all the kids!

132
00:06:05,325 --> 00:06:07,805
Now that the intoxicating effect
of Sarah's talent is fading,

133
00:06:07,829 --> 00:06:09,577
I can see this is my fault.

134
00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,498
Not just the casting,
Lou's fragile emotional state.

135
00:06:12,499 --> 00:06:14,787
I guess the divorce
has really taken a toll on him.

136
00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:16,957
Yeah, he's not the only one.

137
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,880
Of course, Todd the cool mailman!
He's also taking it poorly.

138
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:24,131
Why do I even bother?
Everyone is so stupid!

139
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:27,394
Melissa, you really need
to stop being so angry at the world.

140
00:06:27,395 --> 00:06:30,467
You're a super villain,
you hate the world!

141
00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:32,604
No, I don't. I just want to change it.

142
00:06:32,605 --> 00:06:34,810
Yello.

143
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,061
Tell me you got kids.

144
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:39,863
The Lous are wrapping it up
after their seventh not-demanded encore.

145
00:06:39,864 --> 00:06:41,438
And now...

146
00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:43,069
Release the doves!

147
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,950
Ah! They're bottlenecking at the elbows!

148
00:06:44,951 --> 00:06:46,527
You overfed them!

149
00:06:46,532 --> 00:06:47,822
Food is my love language!

150
00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,452
What's happening? I-I-I can't see.

151
00:06:49,453 --> 00:06:50,653
Are you letting them do magic?

152
00:06:50,656 --> 00:06:52,576
They're doing something.

153
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:53,913
I don't know, just hurry!

154
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,249
People will be there.
I promise.

155
00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:57,875
MODOK will save the day.

156
00:06:57,876 --> 00:07:00,086
This I promise you.
I promise you again.

157
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:03,837
There's literally no way
I will let you down.

158
00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:05,091
Oh god.

159
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,634
Why can't we go in?

160
00:07:06,635 --> 00:07:08,845
- We're waiting for your Dad.
- Why?

161
00:07:08,846 --> 00:07:11,055
Ugh. Can't I have a conversation
with one Lou

162
00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:13,136
without you batoning it
back and forth?

163
00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,809
- We don't know what...
- You're talking...

164
00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:15,690
...about.

165
00:07:15,691 --> 00:07:17,556
Ahoooga! Ahoooga!

166
00:07:17,563 --> 00:07:18,896
Screech!

167
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:19,937
Beeps. Beeps.

168
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,774
Heavy load detected in driver's seat.

169
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:22,355
Shut up!

170
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:24,819
Oh, thank god.
Tell me you brought kids.

171
00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:26,028
Yes!

172
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,529
And by "yes," I mean

173
00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:30,411
at one time in their lives
they were all kids

174
00:07:30,412 --> 00:07:33,869
or larvae
or synthetic ingredients in a lab.

175
00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:36,791
- What is this?
- Me saving the Bar Mitzvah

176
00:07:36,792 --> 00:07:39,588
with the oodles and oodles
of creatures I promised you.

177
00:07:39,589 --> 00:07:41,795
- Hey, we're people!
- Not to me!

178
00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:46,546
Oh boy, that's not good.

179
00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,008
Hey, put that down!
Give me that!

180
00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:53,466
Hey, you octogenarians want to party?

181
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,270
Come on, let us out of these restraints!

182
00:07:55,271 --> 00:07:56,976
Under no circumstances let them out.

183
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,477
They will sex you to death.

184
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,438
What you mean
you ain't got no Sweetleg?

185
00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:01,856
Ah, screw it!
I'll do it live.

186
00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:02,767
Oh god!

187
00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:05,240
# I got a Mississippi tingle risin... #

188
00:08:05,241 --> 00:08:07,025
Hey! You scissored me, bro!

189
00:08:07,029 --> 00:08:08,699
He did what?

190
00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:11,163
- This is delicious!
- Ohh!

191
00:08:11,164 --> 00:08:12,988
Great catering, MODOK!

192
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,503
That's not the catering!
That's the caterer!

193
00:08:15,504 --> 00:08:16,745
Uh-oh.

194
00:08:16,747 --> 00:08:20,207
Alright, well, just don't eat so much
that you won't dance later.

195
00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:22,376
Party's a little... terrible.

196
00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:23,957
It's not all bad.

197
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:25,509
We don't have to pay the caterer.

198
00:08:25,510 --> 00:08:27,215
Are the Lous having
a good time at least?

199
00:08:27,216 --> 00:08:29,256
- I've barely seen them.
- Hey there.

200
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,259
Hey, little boys.
You like magic, huh?

201
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:33,511
Well, here's the church,
and here's the steeple,

202
00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:34,851
open the door and... whoops.

203
00:08:34,852 --> 00:08:37,098
Hang on, I forgot the people.
Let me start over.

204
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,269
Here's the church...

205
00:08:38,270 --> 00:08:40,558
Alright. Dance the Hora or something.

206
00:08:40,562 --> 00:08:43,522
I'll try and get more fun people here.
Good time people!

207
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,483
Who do you call for a good time?

208
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:50,110
Hello, yes, I'm calling
about hiring some escorts.

209
00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:52,532
Good ones.
Ones 13-year-olds would love.

210
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:55,213
Sorry, sir.
We're actually going out of business.

211
00:08:55,237 --> 00:08:58,867
The escort industry has been decimated
by the invention of Jiggle-Os.

212
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,332
They are the Uber
to the prostitute's yellow cab.

213
00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:02,921
Uhh, no go on the hookers.

214
00:09:02,922 --> 00:09:05,088
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

215
00:09:05,089 --> 00:09:06,707
Look at them, MODOK.

216
00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:11,676
Look at me: integral!

217
00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:13,636
Oh, I haven't seen Lou this miserable

218
00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:15,357
since he learned
that his outie belly button

219
00:09:15,381 --> 00:09:17,215
wasn't actually a back-up wiener.

220
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,433
Yeah, that really sent him
spiraling last year.

221
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:20,563
What are we gonna do?

222
00:09:20,564 --> 00:09:22,520
What I should have done
in the first place,

223
00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:24,647
told him we were wrong
about back-up wieners.

224
00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:25,358
MODOK!

225
00:09:25,359 --> 00:09:28,187
Okay, okay, I'll talk to him
like the Rabbi said.

226
00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:31,282
- Is this your card?
- Yes, amazing.

227
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,740
- Is this your card?
- Yes, amazing.

228
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,079
Hey, boys,
I brought you a crumb cake.

229
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,327
No cake, only crumbs,
just the way you like it.

230
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:42,874
There's a little bit of cake
in there. I see it.

231
00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:45,334
This probably isn't
the turnout you were hoping for.

232
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:47,085
I had so many cool teens
in my sights,

233
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,917
but your sister's becoming
a real anti-netter.

234
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,633
Look, boys, there'll be plenty of time

235
00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:54,722
for you to have your first dance
with a lucky girl.

236
00:09:54,723 --> 00:09:56,970
We didn't want to dance
with some lucky girl.

237
00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:58,269
Lucky girls win lotteries,

238
00:09:58,270 --> 00:10:00,555
and greed destroys
everyone around them.

239
00:10:01,143 --> 00:10:03,193
I... don't understand.

240
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:04,768
This was our big day,

241
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,731
and you've been talking
to everybody but us.

242
00:10:06,732 --> 00:10:08,941
All we wanted was to dance with you.

243
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,902
Ohh! With me?

244
00:10:10,903 --> 00:10:12,278
No, with Dad.

245
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:15,117
I only carried you in my body,
you ungrateful little shit.

246
00:10:15,118 --> 00:10:16,824
You want to dance with me?

247
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,655
Today is about us becoming men.

248
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,950
And you're the man we admire most.

249
00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:23,422
Will you dance me into manhood?

250
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:25,415
And me! I want manhood too!

251
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:28,172
Boys, I'm not going to dance with you.

252
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:32,715
Without some proper
dang mood lighting!

253
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:49,941
I'm student class president,

254
00:10:49,942 --> 00:10:52,818
Teen Vogue's
"Figure Skater to Watch"

255
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:56,029
and I never got caught
for hitting that guy with my car.

256
00:10:56,031 --> 00:10:58,281
But does Dad even notice?

257
00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:02,537
Wow, you are... such a bummer.

258
00:11:02,538 --> 00:11:05,078
Hey, congrats on that triple axel.

259
00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:07,882
I get a real pleasure
out of watching you skate.

260
00:11:07,883 --> 00:11:10,916
What?
Are you one of those ice pervs?

261
00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:14,171
- You stalking me?
- No, I wouldn't stalk a fly.

262
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,594
Though I did get arrested
for stalking The Wasp.

263
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,010
And She-Hulk!

264
00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:19,926
And She-Thing!
But that's basically it.

265
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:22,014
Uhp, there was Storm, too!

266
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:24,975
Look, your father showed us videos
of you skating at the bar.

267
00:11:24,977 --> 00:11:26,847
My Dad showed videos of me?

268
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,271
Yeah, all the time.

269
00:11:28,272 --> 00:11:30,572
He's right,
you're a really great skater.

270
00:11:30,573 --> 00:11:32,526
And a very violent drunk.

271
00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:37,945
Huh?

272
00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:43,249
So I know the last few months
haven't been easy.

273
00:11:43,250 --> 00:11:45,905
- Yeah.
- Neither is this.

274
00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:47,504
Especially the divorce.

275
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:51,043
And I'm worried you're hurting, Lou.

276
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,014
But pushing people away,
it won't make...

277
00:11:53,015 --> 00:11:54,505
Ah, she came!

278
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,183
Oh, hey, Carmilla!

279
00:11:56,184 --> 00:11:57,625
- Hey.
- Hey.

280
00:11:57,634 --> 00:12:00,684
Dad, maybe we can finish
this dance later, okay?

281
00:12:00,685 --> 00:12:03,599
Sure, go... see your friend?

282
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:09,609
- You gotta try the Sunday bar.
- Oh, I don't really like ice cream.

283
00:12:09,610 --> 00:12:12,935
No, no, no, it's just an empty bar
where you plan your perfect Sunday.

284
00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:14,108
Mine's an outdoor shower,

285
00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:15,829
the New York Times
Arts and Leisure section,

286
00:12:15,853 --> 00:12:18,107
followed by some aggressive antiquing.

287
00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,283
You guys are so weird.

288
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:25,869
So should we... finish this dance?

289
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:34,754
Where exactly... do we stand?

290
00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:37,924
Well, I recently watched you
have sex with a robot.

291
00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:39,634
Like, a lot of times.

292
00:12:39,635 --> 00:12:40,925
And you were jealous?

293
00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:44,347
I also saw you sneak-eat
loose cold cuts

294
00:12:44,348 --> 00:12:46,348
from under the mattress
during said sex.

295
00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:47,600
Then you were jealous?

296
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:51,608
No. Look, I'm not ready to go back
to the way things were, okay?

297
00:12:51,609 --> 00:12:53,895
Yeah, me neither.
Keep things chill, as is,

298
00:12:53,899 --> 00:12:56,739
except maybe go back
to exactly how things were?

299
00:12:57,861 --> 00:12:59,401
Is that really what you want?

300
00:13:00,781 --> 00:13:03,908
No. Because clearly, you weren't happy.

301
00:13:03,909 --> 00:13:06,994
Look, MODOK,
the dinner the other night.

302
00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:10,955
Outside of being covered in robot guts,
it was pretty pleasant.

303
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,958
So... maybe more of those?

304
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,294
I'd like that.
And cold cut sex.

305
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,085
But family dinners, also solid.

306
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,216
We're free!

307
00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:21,467
Oh no, what happened?

308
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,008
They told me they'd compliment me
if I freed them.

309
00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:28,558
You're, uh, okay to be around
and your body...

310
00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:32,059
- Yes?
- Is... of a certain shape?

311
00:13:32,062 --> 00:13:34,150
Oh. Yeah, I think I screwed up here.

312
00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:36,774
Everyone run!

313
00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:39,275
These things will
MTV's The Grind you to death!

314
00:13:39,278 --> 00:13:42,488
Bread ain't the only thing
we can make challah!

315
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:54,708
Wondering how I'm alive
after you thought you saw me die?

316
00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:56,836
- Robot.
- Lucky guess!

317
00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:59,167
Time to finish what I started.

318
00:13:59,173 --> 00:14:00,843
Let's get him!

319
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,391
You may have thought
you defeated me,

320
00:14:03,392 --> 00:14:06,505
but I'm more powerful
than you ever realized.

321
00:14:10,392 --> 00:14:13,644
All these months,
all my manipulations,

322
00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:16,685
they've all been leading
to this exact moment.

323
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,761
Dad, no!

324
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:30,247
Oh no! Dad!

325
00:14:30,248 --> 00:14:31,325
Get behind me, kids!

326
00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:32,870
Lous, watch out!

327
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:46,886
Oh my god!

328
00:14:53,519 --> 00:14:54,919
No!

329
00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:12,995
Please.

330
00:15:12,996 --> 00:15:16,076
I'm not the enemy.
It's about our future...

331
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:19,293
Yeah, yeah, I failed us.
And you came here to get revenge on me.

332
00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,963
No. I came here to give you
what you always wanted.

333
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:25,093
I came to give you the world.
I can show you what that looks like!

334
00:15:25,094 --> 00:15:27,471
- Why should I trust you?
- We're the same person.

335
00:15:27,472 --> 00:15:28,969
Look at me and tell me I'm lying.

336
00:15:29,555 --> 00:15:31,305
My honest face!

337
00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:33,926
Okay, show me.
But don't try anything.

338
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,601
- I won't.
- I would.

339
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,112
- Well, I'm telling you I won't.
- Well, I want to believe you.

340
00:15:38,113 --> 00:15:40,225
Then believe me.
Would it help if I promised?

341
00:15:40,232 --> 00:15:41,529
- A little.
- I promise.

342
00:15:41,530 --> 00:15:43,025
- Wait, did you just wink?
- No.

343
00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:45,066
- Wait, wait, did I just wink?
- I don't think so.

344
00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:47,630
Maybe you didn't see me wink
because you were too busy winking.

345
00:15:47,654 --> 00:15:50,700
Or maybe you didn't see me not wink
because you were too busy winking?

346
00:15:50,701 --> 00:15:52,381
Should we both wink on the count of five?

347
00:15:52,405 --> 00:15:53,405
No.

348
00:15:53,537 --> 00:15:55,077
Yeah. Let's just get out of here.

349
00:16:05,799 --> 00:16:08,259
We met previously
in an alternate timeline

350
00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:10,469
where you traveled back
to a concert with your wife.

351
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,470
Nope, don't remember that.
And I remember everything.

352
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,832
The name of the bad guys
in SpaceJam are the Monstars. Boom!

353
00:16:14,833 --> 00:16:16,577
You don't remember
because it was erased.

354
00:16:21,273 --> 00:16:23,232
But I was not.

355
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:26,613
Because of these crystals in my head,
I became unstuck in time.

356
00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:34,116
A remnant from a timeline
that never happened.

357
00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:36,457
You are but one of the many
I will crush along my path

358
00:16:36,458 --> 00:16:37,955
to self-assured greatness!

359
00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:39,826
For the future is MODOK!

360
00:16:41,627 --> 00:16:43,997
No longer MODOK, I became

361
00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:45,755
The Anomaly!

362
00:16:45,756 --> 00:16:47,215
In fact please call me that
from here on out.

363
00:16:47,216 --> 00:16:48,696
It's how I've been signing my checks.

364
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:50,512
Is the shop officially closed on that?

365
00:16:50,513 --> 00:16:51,598
Oh, you can do better?

366
00:16:51,599 --> 00:16:54,764
Uh, TimeyMcjumper?
Doesn't-Need-No-Watch-Guy?

367
00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:59,101
Oh, that last one sounded promising.

368
00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:01,732
Couldn't make it out
with all the mumbling. What was it?

369
00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:03,606
The Anomaly's fine.

370
00:17:03,607 --> 00:17:06,067
Anyway, the crystals sent me spiraling,

371
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:08,318
not only through time
but space as well.

372
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,530
Into alternate futures,
our futures.

373
00:17:10,531 --> 00:17:12,991
Where I witnessed
every single one of them.

374
00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:18,955
Each ending in failure.

375
00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:32,925
Hawkeye gets me?
Well, at least it can't get any worse.

376
00:17:32,928 --> 00:17:34,558
Oh, it does.

377
00:17:37,683 --> 00:17:39,083
Turkey Man?

378
00:17:41,562 --> 00:17:43,812
Ugh. Okay, well,
now it can't get any...

379
00:17:43,814 --> 00:17:45,214
Wait for it.

380
00:17:49,862 --> 00:17:52,822
Get comfortable. This toilet death
series goes on for a hot minute.

381
00:17:58,370 --> 00:18:00,080
Make it stop!

382
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:04,252
Oh, here were go.

383
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:07,798
They broke my invention.

384
00:18:07,799 --> 00:18:10,214
They... they called me "Big Head."

385
00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:13,755
One day that big, beautiful,
womb-wrecking head of yours

386
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,010
is going to dream up
fantastic things.

387
00:18:16,013 --> 00:18:18,433
And you're going
to change the world.

388
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:22,266
And you're going
to change the world.

389
00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:24,269
...change the world.

390
00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:25,671
...the world.

391
00:18:27,399 --> 00:18:31,449
All these years,
experimenting on myself, building AIM,

392
00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:34,572
trying to conquer the world
and make a better future,

393
00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:38,577
only to be undone by choking

394
00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:40,946
on toilet lasagna.

395
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,792
Technically, you only choked a few times.

396
00:18:42,793 --> 00:18:45,749
Other times your heart exploded,
you died of constipation,

397
00:18:45,751 --> 00:18:48,671
and one time you drowned in the bowl
which was really impressive.

398
00:18:48,672 --> 00:18:53,090
Why? Why show me that
my entire lifetime is meaningless?

399
00:18:53,091 --> 00:18:55,551
Why show me
that my dreams are a joke?

400
00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:58,346
Because you needed to appreciate it.

401
00:18:58,347 --> 00:19:01,974
The one possible future
out of a million

402
00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:03,595
where you succeed.

403
00:19:08,694 --> 00:19:10,746
_

404
00:19:10,770 --> 00:19:12,822
_

405
00:19:17,282 --> 00:19:19,825
I... I did this?

406
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:21,826
I mean, I do this? How?

407
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:25,328
When I first learned you had a family,
I thought they were a weakness.

408
00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:27,670
Something preventing us
from achieving greatness.

409
00:19:27,671 --> 00:19:30,668
But after traveling through time,
I learned I was wrong.

410
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:35,258
Your love for your family
is what makes all of this possible.

411
00:19:35,259 --> 00:19:37,389
No! I want to see it all. I'm not...

412
00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:41,222
Ohh!

413
00:19:41,515 --> 00:19:43,675
...ready to leave this place.

414
00:19:43,684 --> 00:19:46,227
- Your family is the key.
- How?

415
00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:49,058
They make it all possible...
by dying!

416
00:19:49,064 --> 00:19:50,314
- No!
- Yes!

417
00:19:50,315 --> 00:19:53,355
Their deaths break you.
The grief and trauma fuels you.

418
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,448
Gives you the edge to beat the Avengers,
to conquer the entire world,

419
00:19:56,449 --> 00:19:59,826
to become the Emperor MODOK
you've always dreamed of!

420
00:19:59,827 --> 00:20:01,784
It's their final gift.

421
00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:04,035
Absolutely not!
I'll find another way.

422
00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:06,997
T-t-the new organization
that I started with Monica...

423
00:20:06,999 --> 00:20:08,919
Never leaves the strip mall.

424
00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:12,003
Have you gone
through all of the permutations?

425
00:20:12,004 --> 00:20:15,384
What if I work longer hours?
Eat better? Start wearing chinos?

426
00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:19,640
Ooh, I would love to get you
into a nice pair of chinos.

427
00:20:19,641 --> 00:20:23,055
But it wouldn't change a thing.
I've seen every possibility.

428
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:25,846
No, I'll find a way.
I mean, I beat you, didn't I?

429
00:20:25,851 --> 00:20:30,479
Yes, in a glorious metaphor,
you defeated yourself.

430
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,520
It has to be this way.

431
00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:36,074
Now let me be what the world
has labeled us: a villain.

432
00:20:36,075 --> 00:20:40,739
Let me do this so that
you can finally achieve

433
00:20:41,116 --> 00:20:42,986
your destiny.

434
00:20:42,993 --> 00:20:44,619
I can't.

435
00:20:55,506 --> 00:20:59,376
And you're going to change the world.

436
00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:01,894
I can't... do that.

437
00:21:02,387 --> 00:21:04,847
I know. But I can.

438
00:21:05,682 --> 00:21:07,392
That's why I'm here.

439
00:21:29,168 --> 00:21:31,168
_

440
00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:37,586
Quite the big day, sir.

441
00:21:37,589 --> 00:21:40,339
They're unveiling the statue
depicting the other statue being made

442
00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:43,761
to commemorate the even bigger statue
of you at the center of the city.

443
00:21:43,762 --> 00:21:46,560
While you're away, we'll have
your Iron Throne cleaned.

444
00:21:46,561 --> 00:21:49,887
But not before I get a big ol' sniffer
of m'lord's heavenly hind smell.

445
00:22:03,782 --> 00:22:04,991
Fire up the machine.

446
00:22:04,992 --> 00:22:07,582
He can't take any more.
It'll kill him.

447
00:22:07,583 --> 00:22:09,954
Fire... it... up.

448
00:22:16,545 --> 00:22:20,506
For the
millionth time, it won't work.

449
00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,677
You can't have it all.

450
00:22:23,135 --> 00:22:27,010
Yes, I can.
I'm very special.

451
00:22:29,641 --> 00:22:30,975
Spoiler alert:

452
00:22:30,976 --> 00:22:34,186
I plan to release doves
during my Torah reading.

453
00:22:34,188 --> 00:22:36,357
Magic?
Lou, why can't you just pick

454
00:22:36,358 --> 00:22:37,936
a normal teenage boy theme?

455
00:22:37,941 --> 00:22:41,068
Like sports. Or tugboats?

456
00:22:41,069 --> 00:22:44,930
- I hate my life!
- Aw, Melissa...

457
00:22:45,407 --> 00:22:46,907
No. No!

458
00:22:51,079 --> 00:22:55,079
He's dead. And without the crystals,
there's no way to go back in time.

459
00:22:55,083 --> 00:22:56,709
I will find a way.

460
00:22:56,710 --> 00:22:59,000
I will save my family
and bring them here!

461
00:22:59,338 --> 00:23:03,007
MODOK will have it all!

462
00:23:03,015 --> 00:23:09,203
sync & correction by f1nc0
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