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00:00:03,125 --> 00:00:05,925
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

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00:00:18,212 --> 00:00:19,670
Adaptoid!

3
00:00:19,671 --> 00:00:21,464
Adaptoid!

4
00:00:21,465 --> 00:00:23,585
Where are you?
I'm so hungy.

5
00:00:23,592 --> 00:00:25,134
I need brain food.

6
00:00:25,135 --> 00:00:27,345
Maybe gravy in a pita pocket?

7
00:00:27,346 --> 00:00:28,746
Adaptoid!

8
00:00:28,931 --> 00:00:30,264
Ugh! I'll do it myself.

9
00:00:30,265 --> 00:00:31,665
Ugh!

10
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Ah!

11
00:00:35,833 --> 00:00:38,083
_

12
00:00:39,691 --> 00:00:43,321
Ohh! I'm all out of fixins
for Gravy Grabbers?

13
00:00:43,612 --> 00:00:45,012
Hmm.

14
00:00:45,072 --> 00:00:47,072
Well, maybe...

15
00:00:53,330 --> 00:00:55,039
Well, that was a mistake.

16
00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:56,360
I gotta get out
and get more food.

17
00:00:58,419 --> 00:01:00,378
Alleys aren't for sleeping.
you menace.

18
00:01:00,379 --> 00:01:01,709
Ugh! Wonder Man.

19
00:01:01,714 --> 00:01:03,802
They're for trash and stray cats.

20
00:01:03,803 --> 00:01:06,049
Just so everyone knows,
I actually love the homeless,

21
00:01:06,051 --> 00:01:08,511
but this particular homeless person
is a villain

22
00:01:08,512 --> 00:01:10,891
and his tent, his evil lair.

23
00:01:10,892 --> 00:01:12,429
But I'm not bothering nobody.

24
00:01:12,433 --> 00:01:14,230
You're bothering property values.

25
00:01:14,231 --> 00:01:15,976
I'm a victim
of the dotcom crash.

26
00:01:15,978 --> 00:01:17,397
That was 20 years ago!

27
00:01:17,398 --> 00:01:18,936
Get yourself together, man.

28
00:01:21,024 --> 00:01:23,693
I'll have one
child's party size lasagna

29
00:01:23,694 --> 00:01:25,236
topped with sesame chicken...

30
00:01:25,237 --> 00:01:26,677
Oh, and can you write something like

31
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"Congrats On Your Cool Life, MODOK,"
in soy sauce.

32
00:01:28,911 --> 00:01:31,284
But don't make the lasagna
so hot this time.

33
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I keep burning my fingers.

34
00:01:32,327 --> 00:01:34,996
Yes, sir, we understand
that you eat with your hands.

35
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I'll have you know
the last six times I ate here,

36
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I completely soiled my chair.

37
00:01:39,710 --> 00:01:42,758
But I count every three diarrheas
as one strike,

38
00:01:42,759 --> 00:01:45,835
so it's three more chair craps
and you're out, buddy.

39
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If this continues, I have no choice
but to write in an ADA complaint,

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The American Diarrhea Association,

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of which I have just become a member
because of your lasagn...

42
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- Jodie.
- Hey, MODOK.

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Hey, Jodie!

44
00:01:57,561 --> 00:01:59,645
- Did you hear any of that?
- Yes, I heard all of it.

45
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Well, you misheard.
What, what are you doing here?

46
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Having dinner.
Wow, that's a big box.

47
00:02:04,526 --> 00:02:05,856
Are you expecting company?

48
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Why else would I order
a child's party size lasagna?

49
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I'm having lots of kids over,
a very sophisticated soccer team.

50
00:02:13,744 --> 00:02:15,453
It's really good
to see you, MODOK.

51
00:02:18,832 --> 00:02:20,962
Whoa, whoa, is this hobo
asking you for change?

52
00:02:20,963 --> 00:02:24,709
No, Wonder Man. This is MODOK.

53
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Ahh. The famous MODOK.

54
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Yeah, I'm sorry,
I thought you were homeless.

55
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I'm sure you can understand why.

56
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I'm Wonder Man,
pending Avenger,

57
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underwear model,
and lover of your wife.

58
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Lover, lover, lover...

59
00:02:36,892 --> 00:02:40,478
I'm so sorry, MODOK.
I should have told you.

60
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Jodie, get back! Your husband was bitten
by a raccoon and has rabies!

61
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Wrong! I ate baking soda.

62
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And if I did have rabies,
it would not be from a raccoon.

63
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It would be from the many rats
that I live with in my apartment.

64
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Goodnight!

65
00:03:04,336 --> 00:03:06,295
This is Marveltainment Tonight

66
00:03:06,296 --> 00:03:08,466
They're calling them
Hollywood's sexiest couple,

67
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WonderJo!

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Sources close
to the couple are saying

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that the gorgeous Wonder Man
is the literal opposite

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of MODOK in every way.

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Did you know you're out of gravy?

72
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Yes! That's how I got in this mess!

73
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From these photos, it's pretty clear

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that the raven-haired beauty
is extra satisfied

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with Wonder Man's famous assets.

76
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Oh, so she's into ass now?

77
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Ooh! What's this? Could it be
my weekly Sad Man's Magazine?

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"Jodie and Wonder Man
cordially invite you

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to attend
their paperback release party."

80
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They're throwing
a party together?

81
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And inviting me to my house?

82
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Initiate self-destruct mode.

83
00:03:43,584 --> 00:03:45,713
One minute to self-destruction...

84
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MODOK, no!
Don't kill yourself!

85
00:03:47,713 --> 00:03:49,592
Living is for married men, Gary.

86
00:03:49,593 --> 00:03:51,340
Maybe this is her way of saying

87
00:03:51,341 --> 00:03:53,801
she wants to be with someone
who takes care of themselves.

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And maybe one day
that could be you!

89
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Thirty seconds to that sweet release.

90
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So what you're saying is that
Jodie is still madly in love with me?

91
00:04:02,144 --> 00:04:03,853
- Well...
- Yes, it's so clear now!

92
00:04:03,854 --> 00:04:05,692
The invitation,
the touch on the shoulder.

93
00:04:05,693 --> 00:04:08,527
She's only dating Wonder Man
because he's perfectly symmetrical.

94
00:04:08,528 --> 00:04:11,525
If I can do the same, I can show Jodie
that MODOK can also be...

95
00:04:11,528 --> 00:04:13,908
...traditionally handsome!

96
00:04:13,909 --> 00:04:15,986
Abort self-destruction.

97
00:04:15,991 --> 00:04:18,576
Commence Mission Supreme Hotness.

98
00:04:22,208 --> 00:04:25,124
Melissa! Melissa! Hey!

99
00:04:25,125 --> 00:04:26,584
- Oh my God!
- Melissa!

100
00:04:26,585 --> 00:04:28,665
I'm, I'm wet! But don't worry.

101
00:04:28,670 --> 00:04:30,670
It's only 'cause I tried
to drown myself!

102
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Melissa, is that your wet dad?

103
00:04:35,219 --> 00:04:37,139
Initiate self-destruct.

104
00:04:38,314 --> 00:04:41,305
Uh, smothering yourself
won't make me go away. I need help.

105
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I'm never helping you again.

106
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- Just hear me out.
- No way, Dad.

107
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You never listen to me.

108
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There is nothing you can say
that would make me help you.

109
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Absolutely nothing.

110
00:04:52,403 --> 00:04:54,445
Please, Melissa!
Your mom's ready to move on.

111
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This is my last shot
at winning her back.

112
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I need a makeover!

113
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That's right. A makeover.

114
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Everything that bothers you,
change it.

115
00:05:02,621 --> 00:05:04,371
Mall. One hour.

116
00:05:05,416 --> 00:05:09,996
Looks like my teenage daughter
is gonna help me get laid.

117
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:14,716
- Hey, Jon-Jon.
- Ah!

118
00:05:15,926 --> 00:05:18,006
Is it classic lunch Wednesdays?

119
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Because I'm ready to take a bite
into this peanut butter and Melly!

120
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I'm MODOK.

121
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Oh my God, MODOK,
are you serving me crater-sized pores?

122
00:05:26,941 --> 00:05:30,477
And who gave you permission to have
such a big, gorgeous face?

123
00:05:30,482 --> 00:05:32,320
MODOK seeks permission
from no one!

124
00:05:32,321 --> 00:05:34,027
I love how tedious you are.

125
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Before we get started, I have
two rules when it comes to fashion:

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turtlenecks show class,
and brown hides stains.

127
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The canvas doesn't speak.

128
00:05:44,329 --> 00:05:47,039
- Uh-huh?
- Too Carrie Bradshaw.

129
00:05:47,041 --> 00:05:48,501
Too Terry Bradshaw.

130
00:05:48,917 --> 00:05:52,086
Your giant blackheads
are giving me life!

131
00:05:52,087 --> 00:05:53,087
Oh!

132
00:05:53,464 --> 00:05:54,864
Call the fire department.

133
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Too Hawaiian Punch
not enough Kool-Aid Man.

134
00:05:56,916 --> 00:05:57,675
Too Goth Pilgrim.

135
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Too fast.

136
00:05:58,510 --> 00:05:59,300
Too furious.

137
00:05:59,303 --> 00:06:00,183
Ugh. You're naked.

138
00:06:00,184 --> 00:06:02,719
So how often
do you wash your hair?

139
00:06:02,723 --> 00:06:05,183
Well, some of it got wet
when I tried to kill myself.

140
00:06:05,184 --> 00:06:08,853
I love this Clooney Caesar,
but I think it's time for a change.

141
00:06:08,854 --> 00:06:11,647
You're about to have
a hair moment.

142
00:06:11,648 --> 00:06:14,398
The new me! I love it!

143
00:06:14,401 --> 00:06:16,451
Uh, I haven't done anything yet.

144
00:06:16,452 --> 00:06:18,235
You're just so nice!

145
00:06:19,323 --> 00:06:20,865
So how do I look?

146
00:06:20,866 --> 00:06:24,696
You look... as good
as you possibly could, Dad.

147
00:06:24,703 --> 00:06:27,288
Now it's time to makeover
your toxic masculinity...

148
00:06:27,289 --> 00:06:27,959
Gotta go!

149
00:06:38,717 --> 00:06:41,177
The handsomest man has arrived!

150
00:06:42,262 --> 00:06:44,889
It is I, MODOK,
and I brought a date!

151
00:06:44,890 --> 00:06:46,516
It's a Jiggle-O!

152
00:06:46,517 --> 00:06:48,097
She's also a snack!

153
00:06:48,102 --> 00:06:50,232
Get yourself a woman
who can do both!

154
00:06:50,729 --> 00:06:52,899
Mmm. Chorizo flavored!

155
00:06:55,109 --> 00:06:57,568
Oh no!
Look at Dad's face!

156
00:06:57,569 --> 00:06:59,779
He went rogue and used
a ton of fillers!

157
00:07:00,572 --> 00:07:03,912
Uhp! I sense a wrinkle!
Release the Filler Bots!

158
00:07:05,663 --> 00:07:07,995
They're just collagen spiders!

159
00:07:07,996 --> 00:07:09,536
They're more afraid of you
than you are of...

160
00:07:09,540 --> 00:07:11,249
Oh no, wait. No, they're not scared.

161
00:07:11,250 --> 00:07:12,080
No one move!

162
00:07:15,003 --> 00:07:18,047
Oh my God, MODOK?

163
00:07:18,048 --> 00:07:20,838
Wow, he looks incredible.

164
00:07:20,843 --> 00:07:23,763
Do you like my chair's butt?
It's made of human fat!

165
00:07:23,764 --> 00:07:26,681
Get a pic
before it turns rancid!

166
00:07:29,143 --> 00:07:31,312
- _
- Jodie, as your publicist, I have to say

167
00:07:31,313 --> 00:07:32,937
that you are literally changing lives

168
00:07:32,938 --> 00:07:34,658
and breaking chains
with your hardback book.

169
00:07:34,682 --> 00:07:36,527
It's so inspiring,
I could rip you to pieces.

170
00:07:36,528 --> 00:07:38,105
Thanks, Brandi.

171
00:07:38,110 --> 00:07:40,610
The thing is,
hardback sales are dipping.

172
00:07:40,612 --> 00:07:41,909
People find it too hard.

173
00:07:41,910 --> 00:07:44,155
But I have the solution...
a softcover.

174
00:07:44,158 --> 00:07:45,278
You mean a paperback?

175
00:07:45,284 --> 00:07:47,201
No. Your softcover
is coming out in a month,

176
00:07:47,202 --> 00:07:48,411
and this has
to be your moment.

177
00:07:48,412 --> 00:07:50,459
You are so close to going goop.

178
00:07:50,460 --> 00:07:51,496
I'm sorry. Excuse me?

179
00:07:51,498 --> 00:07:52,748
Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop.

180
00:07:52,750 --> 00:07:55,170
We need your lifestyle brand
to goop hard and goop soon.

181
00:07:55,171 --> 00:07:57,628
It's not enough to just trend.
You have to stay trending.

182
00:07:57,629 --> 00:07:59,429
Hold on, I gotta take
a quick sip of the goop.

183
00:07:59,631 --> 00:08:01,721
I call water goop
because it's everywhere.

184
00:08:01,722 --> 00:08:02,797
Eww.

185
00:08:02,801 --> 00:08:05,639
I really need you
to lean in to the Latina thing.

186
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,307
Talk about how
your abuela smuggled

187
00:08:07,308 --> 00:08:09,136
the recipe for her pozole
over the border.

188
00:08:09,141 --> 00:08:12,060
My grandma's from Boulder, Colorado.
She eats canned soup.

189
00:08:12,061 --> 00:08:14,270
Then how you played stick ball
with your brujas in Queens.

190
00:08:14,271 --> 00:08:15,521
No, wait.
Dress like a skeleton.

191
00:08:15,522 --> 00:08:17,642
No, wait, wait. You should cha-cha
instead of walking.

192
00:08:17,666 --> 00:08:19,941
The cha-cha isn't how
Mexicans walk...

193
00:08:19,943 --> 00:08:22,343
Jodie, I'm getting the sense
that you think this is racist.

194
00:08:22,367 --> 00:08:23,404
Very much so, yes.

195
00:08:23,405 --> 00:08:25,025
Well, if you aren't gonna
spice it up for mama,

196
00:08:25,032 --> 00:08:27,580
then we need a big public-inciting
incident to make people care.

197
00:08:27,581 --> 00:08:28,366
You need more!

198
00:08:28,369 --> 00:08:30,909
More trench coats, more black gloves,
more red, more maps,

199
00:08:30,913 --> 00:08:32,960
and a lot more big,
bossy wide-brimmed hats.

200
00:08:32,961 --> 00:08:34,496
You're describing Carmen Sandiego.

201
00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:36,879
Damn right I am!
She's a Latina icon!

202
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:38,167
Okay, Jodie, tough talk.

203
00:08:38,170 --> 00:08:39,960
You don't look good
from your left side. It's common.

204
00:08:39,963 --> 00:08:42,511
Think of yourself as a UPS truck...
you can only go right.

205
00:08:42,512 --> 00:08:43,878
Now oink with me, my little piggy,

206
00:08:43,884 --> 00:08:45,894
because you are going
to be my prized hog!

207
00:08:47,888 --> 00:08:50,448
Jodie, you aren't oinking with me.
Is there something wrong, pig?

208
00:08:50,472 --> 00:08:52,642
I don't like it
when you call me "pig."

209
00:08:52,643 --> 00:08:54,562
Calling women "bitches" is derogatory.

210
00:08:54,563 --> 00:08:56,231
That's why I said "pig," Jodie.

211
00:08:56,232 --> 00:08:58,440
'Cause they're smart,
they solve puzzles.

212
00:09:00,321 --> 00:09:02,276
Look. I love my heritage,

213
00:09:02,277 --> 00:09:05,317
but I'm not interested in being
someone else's idea of Latina.

214
00:09:05,322 --> 00:09:08,032
People will just have
to accept me for who I am.

215
00:09:08,033 --> 00:09:09,703
I hear you loud and clear.

216
00:09:09,704 --> 00:09:11,452
You want to have a baby
with will. I.am.

217
00:09:15,999 --> 00:09:19,709
I'm so far behind Chicken Goop
for the Wealthy Mother's Soul.

218
00:09:21,380 --> 00:09:22,980
Oh, have you read that?
I recommend it.

219
00:09:23,004 --> 00:09:25,675
Really amazing.
Changed my life.

220
00:09:25,676 --> 00:09:27,256
Changed my life too.

221
00:09:27,261 --> 00:09:29,561
I wish I could buy it
for every woman I respect.

222
00:09:29,562 --> 00:09:31,555
Which is every woman.

223
00:09:31,557 --> 00:09:33,847
I'm sure the author would like that.

224
00:09:33,851 --> 00:09:37,101
Yeah, I wish I could meet her
and pick her brilliant mind.

225
00:09:37,104 --> 00:09:40,106
Too bad she got hit by that train
and her guts sprayed everywhere.

226
00:09:40,107 --> 00:09:41,017
Excuse me, what?

227
00:09:41,024 --> 00:09:42,990
Sorry, I know you're the author.

228
00:09:42,991 --> 00:09:44,694
I was trying to be playful.
I'm nervous,

229
00:09:44,695 --> 00:09:46,855
and I'm-I'm bad at flirting.

230
00:09:46,864 --> 00:09:48,033
I knew you were flirting!

231
00:09:48,034 --> 00:09:50,832
Is there any chance I could,
I don't know, get your number?

232
00:09:51,827 --> 00:09:54,077
I'm actually getting out
of something right now.

233
00:09:54,079 --> 00:09:56,039
Don't know
if I'm really ready to, uh...

234
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,790
Look, the last thing
I want to do is pressure you.

235
00:09:58,792 --> 00:10:01,881
But if you ever decide you are ready,
whether that be months from now

236
00:10:01,882 --> 00:10:04,549
or years from now,
let's say no more than two years,

237
00:10:04,550 --> 00:10:05,757
look me up.

238
00:10:05,758 --> 00:10:07,158
I'm ready, here's my number.

239
00:10:09,303 --> 00:10:11,100
Ah. Damn. Work thing.

240
00:10:11,101 --> 00:10:14,015
Ultron just hacked Uber.
I will call you later.

241
00:10:17,770 --> 00:10:19,810
A magical spider
should be writing messages

242
00:10:19,813 --> 00:10:22,106
in a web above you
because you are such a hog.

243
00:10:22,107 --> 00:10:22,897
Wait. Why?

244
00:10:22,900 --> 00:10:25,440
I said go goop
and you dirty little pink-skinned,

245
00:10:25,444 --> 00:10:27,744
curly-tailed,
magnificent oinking Jodie.

246
00:10:27,745 --> 00:10:29,447
You're dating Wonder Man?

247
00:10:29,448 --> 00:10:30,867
Who is Wonder Man?

248
00:10:30,868 --> 00:10:31,906
It's in the tabloids.

249
00:10:31,909 --> 00:10:34,039
Aren't you a writer or something?
Don't you read?

250
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:35,656
The guy I just met...

251
00:10:35,662 --> 00:10:38,542
La la la la la. I don't want
to hear about your filthy sex life.

252
00:10:38,543 --> 00:10:40,960
I want to read about it.
In the press.

253
00:10:40,961 --> 00:10:43,088
This is perfect.
You have to keep seeing him.

254
00:10:43,089 --> 00:10:45,507
It will do wonders, ha,
for your book sales.

255
00:10:45,508 --> 00:10:47,215
Oh, you sloppy barnyard beast,

256
00:10:47,216 --> 00:10:49,466
you are eating right out
of the Wonder Man trough.

257
00:10:49,468 --> 00:10:51,798
I'm not doing this
for the publicity, Brandi.

258
00:10:51,804 --> 00:10:54,101
I'm just going to go
on one date with Wonder Man

259
00:10:54,102 --> 00:10:55,468
because it's what I want.

260
00:10:55,474 --> 00:10:57,954
Okay, whatever you say, bitch,
I mean babe, I mean pig.

261
00:10:57,978 --> 00:10:59,986
Gotta go. Byeee!

262
00:11:00,229 --> 00:11:02,814
So you grew up in Colorado?
What was that like?

263
00:11:02,815 --> 00:11:05,576
Well, you know, it could be tough
at times. It's pretty white there.

264
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,151
Oh right, the snow.

265
00:11:07,152 --> 00:11:09,862
So, uh, how did you get into acting?

266
00:11:09,863 --> 00:11:11,410
- My grandma.
- Oh really?

267
00:11:11,411 --> 00:11:13,866
Yeah, she was the one
who noticed that I just had a thing

268
00:11:13,867 --> 00:11:16,697
for reaching out and touching
the human heart.

269
00:11:16,704 --> 00:11:18,464
Also, she was
a huge powerful movie producer,

270
00:11:18,465 --> 00:11:19,825
and she made them
put me in movies.

271
00:11:19,849 --> 00:11:22,420
Can you believe our bodies
are made from stardust?

272
00:11:22,421 --> 00:11:26,047
Uh, does it ever get exhausting
having your life on display for everyone?

273
00:11:26,048 --> 00:11:29,046
Well, you might think it's superstitious
or even a little silly,

274
00:11:29,049 --> 00:11:32,339
but I believe that if I don't pose
for the cameras, I will die.

275
00:11:32,344 --> 00:11:34,264
- Ay yo!
- Oh my God! Oh my God!

276
00:11:34,265 --> 00:11:36,472
Wonder Man.
Will you sign my tire iron?

277
00:11:36,473 --> 00:11:37,557
Of course.

278
00:11:37,558 --> 00:11:39,888
- Ay lady!
- I-I-I'm right here.

279
00:11:39,893 --> 00:11:42,174
I didn't know nothin' about you
until you started datin'

280
00:11:42,198 --> 00:11:43,225
my buddy Wonder Man.

281
00:11:43,230 --> 00:11:44,899
I read your book in one night.

282
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:46,568
You see that cab over there.

283
00:11:46,569 --> 00:11:48,397
It used to smell like sewage,

284
00:11:48,402 --> 00:11:50,695
and now it smells like a car.

285
00:11:50,696 --> 00:11:51,656
A car!

286
00:11:51,657 --> 00:11:54,365
Aww. The eighth step of Jodifying.

287
00:11:54,366 --> 00:11:56,036
"Make things smell like they are."

288
00:11:56,037 --> 00:11:57,437
Can I have a hug?

289
00:12:01,123 --> 00:12:02,832
Can I borrow
a thousand dollars?

290
00:12:02,833 --> 00:12:04,233
No.

291
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:07,976
_

292
00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:13,909
- _
- Wrong side!

293
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:20,786
_

294
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:32,227
_

295
00:12:32,237 --> 00:12:34,277
Number two on the Best Sellers' list!

296
00:12:34,281 --> 00:12:35,781
America's ready
to taste your goop.

297
00:12:35,783 --> 00:12:38,284
And we want America
to say it tastes great.

298
00:12:38,285 --> 00:12:39,155
Amazing!

299
00:12:39,161 --> 00:12:41,496
Not amazing. You're so happy!
People hate that.

300
00:12:41,497 --> 00:12:42,537
Oh no.

301
00:12:42,539 --> 00:12:43,579
You just dropped to three.

302
00:12:43,603 --> 00:12:45,878
What? How quickly
are they updating this list?

303
00:12:45,879 --> 00:12:47,746
You were trending
and now you're trundling,

304
00:12:47,753 --> 00:12:50,213
like the bed under the bed
no one wants to sleep on.

305
00:12:50,214 --> 00:12:52,634
What do I do?
I want to be a pig, not a bed!

306
00:12:52,635 --> 00:12:53,925
You need drama.

307
00:12:53,926 --> 00:12:56,426
Something scandalous
to push you to number one.

308
00:12:56,428 --> 00:12:57,847
Do you know anyone who can bring

309
00:12:57,848 --> 00:13:00,846
big irreparable public drama
into your life?

310
00:13:01,934 --> 00:13:05,103
And if I did have rabies,
it would not be from a raccoon.

311
00:13:05,104 --> 00:13:08,404
It would be from the many rats
that I live with in my apartment.

312
00:13:08,405 --> 00:13:10,229
Goodnight!

313
00:13:11,463 --> 00:13:13,062
_

314
00:13:13,072 --> 00:13:14,395
_

315
00:13:14,405 --> 00:13:16,364
We're done here. Let's go.

316
00:13:16,365 --> 00:13:18,235
Great, because this restaurant's insane.

317
00:13:18,242 --> 00:13:20,371
What does "child's party size" mean?

318
00:13:20,372 --> 00:13:22,957
And how much is
a "diaper's worth of chow mein"?

319
00:13:22,958 --> 00:13:24,414
Why did we ever come here?

320
00:13:24,518 --> 00:13:26,518
_

321
00:13:29,128 --> 00:13:31,128
Mom, I want to stop playing.

322
00:13:31,130 --> 00:13:33,420
My fingers are starting to bleed!

323
00:13:33,424 --> 00:13:37,093
Oh, honey, you can stop playing
when RuPaul gets here.

324
00:13:37,094 --> 00:13:38,432
I shouldn't be turning pages.

325
00:13:38,433 --> 00:13:41,639
I should be up on the piano,
singin' sultry songs

326
00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:44,769
and crawlin' around like
the Fabulous Baker Boy I am!

327
00:13:44,770 --> 00:13:46,397
No. I'm hoping RuPaul does that!

328
00:13:46,398 --> 00:13:48,354
Now shush up
and be the perfect children

329
00:13:48,355 --> 00:13:50,015
I described in chapter 18.

330
00:13:50,691 --> 00:13:52,024
- He's here.
- Who?

331
00:13:52,025 --> 00:13:53,815
I can't see past this damn brim!

332
00:13:54,319 --> 00:13:56,029
MODOK?

333
00:13:57,948 --> 00:14:00,238
Wow, he looks incredible.

334
00:14:00,242 --> 00:14:01,871
Yeah, an incredible train wreck.

335
00:14:01,872 --> 00:14:03,869
And you orchestrated
this whole thing.

336
00:14:03,871 --> 00:14:06,706
Or should I say "porkestrated,"
you pig.

337
00:14:06,707 --> 00:14:08,666
We've hit the truffle trove!

338
00:14:12,337 --> 00:14:14,255
Wow, you look great, MODOK.

339
00:14:14,256 --> 00:14:16,046
I love your new bone structure.

340
00:14:16,050 --> 00:14:17,178
Why, thank you, Jodie.

341
00:14:17,179 --> 00:14:19,886
I picked out my cheekbones
all by myself.

342
00:14:21,722 --> 00:14:23,060
Please don't make a scene.

343
00:14:23,061 --> 00:14:26,347
It's not the time or the place
to pick a fight with Wonder Man,

344
00:14:26,351 --> 00:14:29,191
even though you and I
both know you'd win.

345
00:14:29,192 --> 00:14:31,438
And with everyone watching?

346
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,067
I mean, you'd be an instant legend.

347
00:14:34,068 --> 00:14:35,985
- Wow.
- But don't do it.

348
00:14:35,986 --> 00:14:39,446
Don't you dare... do it.

349
00:14:39,448 --> 00:14:41,657
Oh. Well, don't worry.
I've changed.

350
00:14:41,658 --> 00:14:45,078
I'm a new man. I literally have pieces
of other men grafted to my body.

351
00:14:45,079 --> 00:14:46,659
Oh, look who I found!

352
00:14:46,663 --> 00:14:49,253
And MODOK, I'm glad
you're here tonight, brother.

353
00:14:49,254 --> 00:14:51,289
As am I.

354
00:14:51,293 --> 00:14:53,053
Being friends
with my girlfriends' husbands

355
00:14:53,054 --> 00:14:55,375
has always been
very important to me.

356
00:14:55,381 --> 00:14:58,471
This tattoo means
"blended family" in Wakandan.

357
00:14:58,472 --> 00:15:01,797
Same here.
About the importance.

358
00:15:01,804 --> 00:15:03,933
And just so you know, I told the kids

359
00:15:03,934 --> 00:15:05,971
there is no rush
to call me "daddy."

360
00:15:05,974 --> 00:15:07,350
Thanks for that.

361
00:15:07,351 --> 00:15:09,310
Would you like to walk
the red carpet with me?

362
00:15:09,311 --> 00:15:10,711
More than anything!

363
00:15:11,980 --> 00:15:14,980
Make room, Bruce and Ashton,
because here comes another guy

364
00:15:14,983 --> 00:15:17,443
who's being very cool
about everything!

365
00:15:17,444 --> 00:15:18,244
Bring it in.

366
00:15:18,245 --> 00:15:21,366
If it weren't for Jodie,
I'd be bathing in a river of your blood.

367
00:15:21,367 --> 00:15:24,235
I'd rip out your throat
and feed it to stray dogs.

368
00:15:24,243 --> 00:15:26,483
If it weren't for Jodie,
I'd wreck you, bro.

369
00:15:26,507 --> 00:15:28,500
But the only killing I'm doing
is with kindness.

370
00:15:28,501 --> 00:15:31,497
It's official! We're going
four-wheeling together!

371
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:35,044
I love that this man
sleeps in my bed!

372
00:15:35,045 --> 00:15:37,335
Jodie, they're just holding
each other sweetly.

373
00:15:37,339 --> 00:15:39,379
You said there would be drama.

374
00:15:39,383 --> 00:15:42,723
Wherever MODOK goes,
catastrophe follows.

375
00:15:43,137 --> 00:15:46,387
This sucks. Mom's just using us
to make her look good.

376
00:15:46,390 --> 00:15:49,559
Yeah! Which is stupid because her outfit
already makes her look amazing!

377
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:53,520
Screw this.
If this is a party, then let's go party.

378
00:15:53,981 --> 00:15:56,821
Good thing Dad doesn't keep
a lock on the liquor cabinet.

379
00:15:56,822 --> 00:15:58,437
Yeah, time to be bad.

380
00:15:58,444 --> 00:16:01,704
But maybe the baddest thing we can do
is do as we're told.

381
00:16:01,705 --> 00:16:03,105
- Oooh!
- Ugh.

382
00:16:03,407 --> 00:16:06,367
Damn, no Kahlua.
That's my drink.

383
00:16:06,368 --> 00:16:08,745
- What is this?
- Oh, no way!

384
00:16:08,746 --> 00:16:11,496
It's Dad's Skinny Boy Laserita Gun.

385
00:16:11,498 --> 00:16:14,876
It's a ray that makes you feel drunk
without drinking anything.

386
00:16:14,877 --> 00:16:16,357
I shouldn't be holding this.

387
00:16:16,381 --> 00:16:18,221
I thought it was
one of those safe bullet guns.

388
00:16:18,547 --> 00:16:21,127
I feel like a Golden Girl!

389
00:16:21,133 --> 00:16:22,533
Shoot me!

390
00:16:22,593 --> 00:16:26,143
I don't know if I'm feeling it.
Did I hear someone talking shit?

391
00:16:28,140 --> 00:16:29,309
Listen closely, Wonder Man.

392
00:16:29,310 --> 00:16:32,348
You're going to ruin Jodie's big night
by punching me so hard

393
00:16:32,352 --> 00:16:34,940
that you'll get blood
all over this red carpet, ruining it.

394
00:16:34,941 --> 00:16:36,768
I would never do that to my queen.

395
00:16:36,774 --> 00:16:39,904
I'm gonna be on my hands and knees
looking for my teeth in the grass

396
00:16:39,905 --> 00:16:41,319
while my kids cry!

397
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:43,820
If anyone's going to get punched,
it's me by you.

398
00:16:43,822 --> 00:16:47,075
Nah-uh. You're going to kick
my dick off in front of my son.

399
00:16:47,076 --> 00:16:47,866
I'm cool, brother.

400
00:16:47,868 --> 00:16:51,496
Oh no! I got martini all over you.

401
00:16:51,497 --> 00:16:53,247
Ugh. This is so embarrassing.

402
00:16:53,248 --> 00:16:54,998
He's not embarrassed at all.

403
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,040
He's got a gorgeous body!

404
00:16:57,086 --> 00:17:00,126
Here comes
the mothertruckin' ruckus!

405
00:17:00,130 --> 00:17:01,589
Yaa-hoo!

406
00:17:01,590 --> 00:17:03,130
Ahhh!

407
00:17:03,133 --> 00:17:04,425
Take that, piano!

408
00:17:04,426 --> 00:17:06,546
Rock and roll music is what's cool.

409
00:17:06,553 --> 00:17:09,523
Oh no! Billy Joel!
What have I done?

410
00:17:10,557 --> 00:17:12,016
I gotta know one thing, MODOK.

411
00:17:12,017 --> 00:17:13,577
Do you wanna be
on the right or the left

412
00:17:13,601 --> 00:17:15,560
when we both walk Melissa
down the aisle?

413
00:17:15,562 --> 00:17:17,772
- Jodie's just using you for sex!
- What did you say?

414
00:17:17,773 --> 00:17:21,192
Jodie is just using you for sex.

415
00:17:21,193 --> 00:17:22,402
Take it back, MODOK.

416
00:17:22,403 --> 00:17:25,323
You're just a body
that Jodie is primally attracted to.

417
00:17:25,324 --> 00:17:27,451
- Jodie loves me.
- It's just lust.

418
00:17:27,452 --> 00:17:30,284
And when she's done receiving
all the bone-tingling orgasms

419
00:17:30,285 --> 00:17:31,285
I could never provide,

420
00:17:31,286 --> 00:17:33,616
she'll drop you like a hot bowl of grits.

421
00:17:33,622 --> 00:17:35,292
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!

422
00:17:37,084 --> 00:17:41,546
Jodie... just loves...
your huge... penis.

423
00:17:41,547 --> 00:17:42,967
It's barely above average!

424
00:17:45,509 --> 00:17:48,969
- MODOK!
- Jodie, he hit me. I'm hurt.

425
00:17:52,099 --> 00:17:54,016
I saw everything.

426
00:17:54,017 --> 00:17:56,307
MODOK, you provoked him!

427
00:17:56,311 --> 00:17:58,190
- I'm a victim!
- Oh please.

428
00:17:58,191 --> 00:18:02,068
The new hair, the new teeth,
the new butt you stapled to your chair.

429
00:18:02,069 --> 00:18:04,277
It's all so superficial.

430
00:18:04,278 --> 00:18:06,778
You're always gonna be
the same MODOK.

431
00:18:06,780 --> 00:18:07,740
But, Jodes...

432
00:18:07,741 --> 00:18:09,824
I suggest you leave,

433
00:18:09,825 --> 00:18:11,665
after tagging yourself
in a photo with the book

434
00:18:11,689 --> 00:18:12,906
and posting on Instagram!

435
00:18:25,467 --> 00:18:26,796
This is amazing.

436
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:30,930
Yeah. I have been wanting
to get squirrels drunk for forever.

437
00:18:30,931 --> 00:18:35,558
No. No. I'm talking
about us actually hanging out.

438
00:18:35,559 --> 00:18:37,349
Yeah. You've been alright.

439
00:18:37,352 --> 00:18:40,152
I used to think that Dad sucked
more than anyone,

440
00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:42,356
but then I met Wonder Man.

441
00:18:42,357 --> 00:18:44,317
Geez, Mom really knows
how to pick 'em.

442
00:18:44,902 --> 00:18:46,361
Mom kinda sucks now too.

443
00:18:46,362 --> 00:18:49,112
I know!
She's such a phony.

444
00:18:49,114 --> 00:18:53,374
Man, they are not handling
the divorce well at all.

445
00:18:53,744 --> 00:18:55,504
At least we have each other, Lou.

446
00:18:55,954 --> 00:18:58,584
Yeah, we'll always have each other.

447
00:18:59,583 --> 00:19:01,843
Well, until I go to college.

448
00:19:02,544 --> 00:19:04,674
Yeah, yeah, until then.

449
00:19:05,506 --> 00:19:08,716
Oh. Oh. I'm gonna try to get
these two neighbor dogs to bang.

450
00:19:09,176 --> 00:19:10,926
Nice!

451
00:19:10,928 --> 00:19:13,388
I missed
but they started anyway.

452
00:19:32,032 --> 00:19:34,659
"Chapter One:
Honoring your space."

453
00:19:34,660 --> 00:19:37,870
Your home is a reflection of your spirit.

454
00:19:42,668 --> 00:19:44,168
Oh shit.

455
00:19:44,169 --> 00:19:46,919
My book is number one, baby!

456
00:19:46,922 --> 00:19:48,922
Eat my pussy, Chicken Goop!

457
00:19:48,924 --> 00:19:50,430
I'm so happy for you, babe.

458
00:19:50,431 --> 00:19:53,386
I knew if MODOK saw us
at that takeout place,

459
00:19:53,387 --> 00:19:55,757
he'd show up
and make a scene.

460
00:19:55,764 --> 00:19:58,474
Oh, and you!
Oh, bravissimo!

461
00:19:58,475 --> 00:20:01,225
How come you're never
that convincing in movies?

462
00:20:01,228 --> 00:20:04,147
So, what's next for WonderJo?

463
00:20:04,148 --> 00:20:06,388
Well, I thought we were going
ax-throwing after dinner?

464
00:20:06,389 --> 00:20:07,926
No, I mean, like for our brand.

465
00:20:07,929 --> 00:20:10,899
This relationship is so hot,
we need to keep it simmering.

466
00:20:10,904 --> 00:20:13,454
Are you just dating me
for the fame?

467
00:20:13,455 --> 00:20:14,657
Yeah.

468
00:20:14,658 --> 00:20:17,488
Ooh, we should we get caught
in a bribery scandal!

469
00:20:17,494 --> 00:20:20,714
But who would we bribe
and for what...

470
00:20:21,373 --> 00:20:25,631
- Jodie, I had real feelings for you.
- Really?

471
00:20:26,170 --> 00:20:28,087
Wait, what do you mean "had"?

472
00:20:28,088 --> 00:20:29,688
If you're breaking up with me right now,

473
00:20:29,712 --> 00:20:31,466
we need to be
in a much more public space.

474
00:20:31,467 --> 00:20:32,507
What happened to you?

475
00:20:32,509 --> 00:20:34,429
You made me beat up
your ex-husband.

476
00:20:34,430 --> 00:20:36,557
You gave your son
a peanut allergy.

477
00:20:36,558 --> 00:20:38,715
- You laughed at that!
- I was in love!

478
00:20:38,724 --> 00:20:41,440
You're always talking about how
we should pose for the cameras.

479
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:44,975
That's because I'm shallow,
and how dare you hold that against me!

480
00:20:44,980 --> 00:20:47,480
You know, I always Wondered, trademark,

481
00:20:47,483 --> 00:20:49,443
how you could have been married
to a supervillain.

482
00:20:49,467 --> 00:20:52,195
But now I get it.
You're just like MODOK.

483
00:20:52,196 --> 00:20:53,156
Maybe worse.

484
00:20:53,157 --> 00:20:55,865
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go slam a dumpster lid

485
00:20:55,866 --> 00:20:57,736
on the Tatterdemalion's fingers.

486
00:20:58,410 --> 00:20:59,810
Goodbye, Jodie.

487
00:21:01,789 --> 00:21:03,289
Oh God!

488
00:21:06,377 --> 00:21:09,457
It all went perfectly
according to plan

489
00:21:09,463 --> 00:21:10,963
just like you said.

490
00:21:10,964 --> 00:21:14,384
Then it's time to enact...
the second phase.

491
00:21:14,385 --> 00:21:17,255
Mmm... yes... the next phase.

492
00:21:17,262 --> 00:21:18,679
I 100% remember it,

493
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:21,520
but if you could just
say it out loud anyway, whatever,

494
00:21:21,521 --> 00:21:23,887
because it's so good.

495
00:21:23,894 --> 00:21:26,896
I believe he's referring to me.

496
00:21:29,066 --> 00:21:31,356
Why is he laughing?
He didn't say anything funny!

497
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,277
- Who is this?
- Arcade.

498
00:21:33,278 --> 00:21:35,905
He's a specialist... of death!

499
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:41,750
Am I missing something?
That wasn't funny either!

500
00:21:42,329 --> 00:21:43,729
Chapter three.

501
00:21:44,957 --> 00:21:48,497
Jodifying isn't only
about organizing your closets.

502
00:21:48,794 --> 00:21:51,094
It's about spiritual tidiness.

503
00:21:51,714 --> 00:21:53,114
Chapter ten.

504
00:21:53,757 --> 00:21:56,967
We hold onto things
because we're afraid of losing them.

505
00:21:57,970 --> 00:22:02,350
But ultimately we hold on so tight
we lose the most important thing of all:

506
00:22:03,058 --> 00:22:04,388
ourselves.

507
00:22:04,393 --> 00:22:07,311
Letting go... is essential

508
00:22:07,335 --> 00:22:09,689
- to living in balance.
- _

509
00:22:16,488 --> 00:22:19,318
Jodie, there's something
I wanna say.

510
00:22:19,324 --> 00:22:21,581
You were right.
I really needed to change.

511
00:22:21,582 --> 00:22:25,246
I'm still in love with you
and wanted for it to work between us.

512
00:22:25,247 --> 00:22:26,997
But now...

513
00:22:26,999 --> 00:22:30,539
I know that I was trying
for my own sake, not yours.

514
00:22:31,420 --> 00:22:33,920
The right thing to do is to let go.

515
00:22:37,092 --> 00:22:38,592
Jodie, what are you doing?

516
00:22:39,678 --> 00:22:40,758
Come here.

517
00:22:40,763 --> 00:22:42,473
Oh! Oh!

518
00:22:45,893 --> 00:22:47,477
I missed you so much.

519
00:22:47,678 --> 00:22:50,558
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