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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

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I, Balder the Brave, have assembled
the best warriors in all of Asgard,

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to defend the sanctity of our land.

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We must find the evil sorcerer
who madeth this tear in our sky

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and sullies our beauteous realm
with unholy artifacts...

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What else can I launch down
this trash portal I built to Asgard?

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I don't understand,

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how is this gonna
help you destroy Monica

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and reclaim your title
as Scientist Supreme?

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It won't, it just makes me feel great
to screw with Thor.

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Every time I feel sad, I throw
a string cheese wrapper down there.

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If only there was a way
not to eat the string cheese.

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As for Monica,
I have a diabolically intricate plan.

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First, I wanna chuck one of these
heavy mothers into the portal.

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Oh, can't let you do that.

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I was elected
the office fire safety captain.

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I take fire very seriously.

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Gorgeous fire, sexy fire,

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flickering like a dancing woman!

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An elusive beauty you'd destroy
the world just to please!

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Yeah, yeah, fire's awesome.
Now hand me that milk.

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This trashcan here is a portal
directly into my stomach.

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That way when my mouth is busy eating,
other food gets VIP stomach access.

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See? Why eat harder
when you can eat smart...

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- Oh. Oh no, puke makes me...
- Gary, no!

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So, MODOK, I know
you've been ignoring my emails.

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Oh, I meant to tell you
I have a new email now.

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MODOK at Austin-sucks-butts-dot-edu.

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Why would it be an edu?

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'Cause I just took you to school!

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Clearly you're not responding
to my management style

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so from here on out
I'll be delivering you orders

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via my sweet little puppy, Sherlock.

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"Hey. I'm Sherlock,
and people are complaining

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"that you're not delivering
their packages,

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which makes me think
you're low-key not doing your job."

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First of all, Sherlock is
an absolute little gentleman.

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He would never say that.

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Second of all, look at his little scarf,
oh my gosh!

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Third of all, he would never say that.
Now get out of here!

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If you can't deliver the
mail, we're gonna have to demote you.

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And I'd hate to demote you,

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because then I'd have
to figure out what's lower than this.

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Hey, Dillman!
Sherlock's got some news for you.

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"We saw some
inappropriate images on your hard drive.

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Pretty ruff-ruff stuff!
The police are on their way!"

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Gary, I'm feeling
some good rage right now.

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Let's channel it into this.

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Behold:
a battle suit proportional to my head,

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giving me the power
to crush Austin and Monica

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and finally experience
what it's like to have thighs!

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Thick thighs save lives!

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Or in the case, end them.

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Oh my God, it's Jodie.

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This is the first time she's called
since the separation.

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This is a chance to impress her.

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How's it hangin', duder?

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I'm blowing it, Gary.
Think of something.

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Oh! Say hello!

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Har-low.

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Oh, thank God. MODOK, I need you.

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Gary, it's phone sex.

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The sex you're best at!

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It's not phone sex, MODOK.

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Lou released a bunch of doves
at his Bar Mitzvah rehearsal,

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and now there's bird shit
all over the bimah.

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The Rabbi is furious.

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Nice. My turn.

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I take off your bra using only my teeth.

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And then my throat starts to close up.

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I'm clearly allergic
to something in the fabric.

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I fumble at your panties,
but it's too late.

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I lose consciousness...

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Oh my God,
just get down here and help me.

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Lou, what the hell
happened in there?

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One dove corrupted the others.
It's not my fault!

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The Rabbi doesn't want you doing
weird magic tricks at your Bar Mitzvah!

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But magic's sorta my whole deal.

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I'm gonna pull rabbits out of yarmulkes,

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yarmulkes out of rabbits.

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And for my final trick:

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I resurrect my foreskin...

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from the dead!

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Aww, honey, we talked about this.

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Your foreskin's in Hell.

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Where it belongs!

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And to celebrate
my Mexican heritage, Mom,

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I'll be a-click-clackin' around

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in the heels
from your quinceañera.

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I didn't have a quinceañera,
and those aren't my shoes.

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But if one or two of these ideas
makes you happy...

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Oh, I'm just warming up.

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I want a loose hot dog bar
with all the works,

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which means nothing
but loose hot dogs and the water.

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I want my boysmaids
to wear denim jumpsuits.

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Oh, also I want boysmaids.
And this is non-negotiable:

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I want Great-Grandma Esther
to do a reading

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from my erotic poetry
about the green M&M.

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And those are just my safe ideas.

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InStyle magazine
was gonna do

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a feature on me planning
this Bar Mitzvah.

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Maybe I should just cancel it.

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I'm all over it, trust me.

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The title for that article is gonna be:

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"Normal Boy
Has Normal Bar Mitzvah."

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Shh-shh-shh.
You're gonna be a big bright star.

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Good luck.

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I usually only seamstress
on the weekends,

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- but this is lovely...
- Shut up, Gary.

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I'm trying to listen to my weird son.

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"Ninety percent
of magic's in the flair."

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David Copperfield said that.

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"Ninety percent of magic's
in the hair."

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David Copperfield's
hair-plug guy said that.

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Now look in your pocket.

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Did you put creamed corn
in my pocket?

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A trick and a treat.

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Gary, go get more fire extinguishers
while I tamp down my son's individuality.

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Yeah, I'm probably gonna go
light something on fire.

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Hey, buddy, whatcha workin' on?

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Got any more magic for your old pappy?

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Wow. To be honest, I thought
you absolutely hated my magic.

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Seems like I pulled
a magic trick on you then.

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Let me see your magic gear.

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Oh my, I don't even have much today.

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Just a barebones kit.

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- Magic hat.
- Of course.

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- Wand.
- Classic.

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- Backup wand.
- Smart.

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- Deck of cards.
- Love it.

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- 140 handkerchiefs.
- The best!

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- Open can of corn.
- Necessary?

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- Sword of mystery!
- Mysterious.

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- And a photo of you guys.
- Aww.

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Because there's nothing more magical

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than the love and support
of a good family...

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My gear!

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No magic at your Bar Mitzvah!

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- But...
- Why can't you just be normal like...

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Normal like...

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Argh!

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Normal like...

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Just no magic. That's final!

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If you think
I'm afraid of getting dirty,

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you clearly haven't read my letters
to the green M&M!

146
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Who threw away this perfectly good
swirling vortex...

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- Ahhh!
- No, no, no, no!

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Last night at Hardee's, now this!

149
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Can there be one day this week
where I don't dive into a garbage can?

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Don't worry, Lou.
I'm coming!

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Ohh!

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Oh phew!
Lou landed safely and softly.

153
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And now for me as well...

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Eat your heart out,
Kerri Strug and Sully Sullenberger.

155
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There's a new lander in town.

156
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Who knew my Narnia
was just a trashcan away?

157
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Oh, it even has fairies!

158
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Ah. He's wonderful!

159
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Gimme your sneakers!

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Stay there!
I'm coming to get you!

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Uh-oh. Company.
I'll be back for those sneakers!

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Goodbye, fairy, I'll miss you!

163
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Even the stabbing!

164
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Hey! My magic stuff!

165
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Ahh!

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- Dad!
- Kobold goblins!

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Lou! No!

168
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Ohh! Ah!

169
00:07:34,815 --> 00:07:37,275
Aw man, Skechers Step Ups?

170
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That's a stab!

171
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Goat! Ahh!

172
00:07:46,493 --> 00:07:48,077
Oh, it's one of those fainting goats!

173
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Ugh, dang goat chewed my wires up!

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I can fix this.

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Oh, my back.

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The one thing on my body
I can't reach besides everything else.

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Lou! My son!

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I got twigs in my
just-threaded eyebrows for you?

179
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Well, at least you're friendly.

180
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Ahh!

181
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I can't concentrate on goats right now.

182
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I'm trying to figure out
a way to get around.

183
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Oh, hell yeah!
In Asgard, goats can fly!

184
00:08:25,616 --> 00:08:28,284
I said "goats can fly"!

185
00:08:28,285 --> 00:08:31,405
Did I get
the only non-flying goats in Asgard?

186
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Should I switch them out?

187
00:08:34,124 --> 00:08:36,504
No, no, I can't spend
all day switching goats.

188
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Just gotta commit to these.

189
00:08:38,587 --> 00:08:40,547
Dammit!

190
00:08:43,342 --> 00:08:44,592
I'm so nervous for Lou,

191
00:08:44,593 --> 00:08:47,223
I can barely eat
this old slice of CPK pizza.

192
00:08:48,222 --> 00:08:50,519
OMG, it's Lou's A. I. M. visitor badge.

193
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,475
We're on the right path, goats!
That's right.

194
00:08:52,476 --> 00:08:55,056
I refuse to name you
because I'll probably eat you.

195
00:08:55,062 --> 00:08:57,691
Goatye! Billy the Kid!
Dammit, I love them now!

196
00:08:57,692 --> 00:09:00,029
Oh crap, it's Jodie.

197
00:09:00,030 --> 00:09:02,565
Hey, girl. Things are all good here.

198
00:09:02,569 --> 00:09:05,738
Well, seems like a natural stopping point
for us to hop off the phone. Bye...

199
00:09:05,739 --> 00:09:07,949
No, wait!
I'm just calling to see how Lou's doing.

200
00:09:07,950 --> 00:09:10,159
I know how important
the Bar Mitzvah is to him,

201
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:11,660
and he's so fragile.

202
00:09:11,662 --> 00:09:13,454
Oh, he's fine. He's...

203
00:09:13,455 --> 00:09:14,995
Giant honking squirrel!

204
00:09:16,500 --> 00:09:17,460
I'm sorry, what?

205
00:09:17,461 --> 00:09:19,168
Yeah, giant honking squirrel.

206
00:09:19,169 --> 00:09:20,419
It's an expression.

207
00:09:20,421 --> 00:09:22,461
It means
"out of harm's way, totally safe."

208
00:09:22,464 --> 00:09:25,054
You never heard that before?
Wow, you're such a...

209
00:09:25,055 --> 00:09:26,467
Frost Giant!

210
00:09:26,468 --> 00:09:29,428
Okay, now I'm a "Frost Giant"?
What... what does that mean?

211
00:09:29,430 --> 00:09:31,560
Oh Jodie,
you're showing your age.

212
00:09:32,224 --> 00:09:34,183
It's another expression, of course.

213
00:09:35,310 --> 00:09:37,310
The point is,
Lou's totally safe.

214
00:09:38,105 --> 00:09:41,225
He's as safe as an...
Even bigger honking squirrel!

215
00:09:43,068 --> 00:09:45,488
Well, now that I know
that means he's safe,

216
00:09:45,489 --> 00:09:47,777
I guess... good?

217
00:09:47,781 --> 00:09:48,990
Thank you for handling this.

218
00:09:48,991 --> 00:09:51,161
Alright, seems like
we're wrapping up, thank God.

219
00:09:51,162 --> 00:09:52,830
Just know that everything's...

220
00:09:52,831 --> 00:09:54,538
b-b-b-bodacious hunks!

221
00:09:55,581 --> 00:09:57,831
Okay, so I just looked up
"Frost Giant,"

222
00:09:57,833 --> 00:10:01,463
and I have never done that
to an ice cream sandwich!

223
00:10:01,962 --> 00:10:03,962
Once again I apologize

224
00:10:03,964 --> 00:10:07,184
for how we all pointed swords
at your horrible face.

225
00:10:07,468 --> 00:10:11,468
And I apologize for continually guessing
your body fat percentage on the way over.

226
00:10:11,472 --> 00:10:13,392
It's zero, right?
You gotta tell me if I'm close.

227
00:10:13,416 --> 00:10:16,848
We're on the hunt for the sorcerer
who murdered our General.

228
00:10:16,852 --> 00:10:20,354
The only clue we have
is the sorcerer's symbol.

229
00:10:20,355 --> 00:10:24,355
Each carries the same marking
as the loathsome death box,

230
00:10:24,359 --> 00:10:26,899
the cause of our leader's demise.

231
00:10:26,904 --> 00:10:29,113
I've never seen that logo in my life.

232
00:10:29,114 --> 00:10:30,074
It's... it's cool though, right?

233
00:10:30,075 --> 00:10:31,494
I mean, it looks like it's
by the same guy who did

234
00:10:31,495 --> 00:10:33,951
the Baskin Robbins logo,
so it couldn't have been cheap.

235
00:10:33,952 --> 00:10:36,632
You know, they... they hide the number 31
in the Baskin Robbins logo.

236
00:10:36,633 --> 00:10:38,553
You can see that, right?
Have you ever seen that?

237
00:10:38,577 --> 00:10:41,440
It's so cool! But that logo,
I've never seen that one in my life.

238
00:10:42,669 --> 00:10:47,669
All I know is if we find him,
verily we will clonk him up good.

239
00:10:47,674 --> 00:10:49,721
Uh-huh. Well, if any
of you beefcake beauties

240
00:10:49,722 --> 00:10:50,838
want to join me on a quest,

241
00:10:50,844 --> 00:10:53,814
I've gotta go mess up a bunch
of Kobolds and rescue my son.

242
00:10:53,815 --> 00:10:55,596
Alas, we cannot.

243
00:10:55,599 --> 00:10:58,059
We hast a thousand-year peace
with the Kobolds.

244
00:10:58,060 --> 00:11:00,520
Because they're harmonious,
peace-loving creatures

245
00:11:00,521 --> 00:11:01,771
who would never hurt my boy?

246
00:11:01,772 --> 00:11:06,359
No! Those freakish ghouls are
an important part of the ecosystem.

247
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,236
They devour unwanted children...

248
00:11:08,904 --> 00:11:11,914
...allowing us to continue having
unprotected sex

249
00:11:11,915 --> 00:11:13,447
without consequences!

250
00:11:13,450 --> 00:11:15,950
Wow, hot... No, wait!
Lou is unprotected!

251
00:11:15,953 --> 00:11:18,333
And I made him with sex!
I gotta go!

252
00:11:18,334 --> 00:11:20,580
Fare thee well, horny troll!

253
00:11:28,345 --> 00:11:30,380
Oh good,
the trees are getting creepy.

254
00:11:30,384 --> 00:11:31,968
Must be close to the Kobold city.

255
00:11:32,803 --> 00:11:35,722
A road paved with human skulls?

256
00:11:35,723 --> 00:11:37,523
Huh! A little much.

257
00:11:39,017 --> 00:11:40,767
Lou!

258
00:11:42,771 --> 00:11:44,359
Oh, thank God, it's not him.

259
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,356
These bones are way too calcium-fortified
to be my noodly son.

260
00:11:48,193 --> 00:11:49,613
A weak child-like whimper.

261
00:11:49,614 --> 00:11:52,031
Now that's my embarrassing Lou!

262
00:11:53,157 --> 00:11:55,825
Now for the main attraction.

263
00:11:55,826 --> 00:11:57,586
Everyone, please,
please, please take a look.

264
00:11:57,610 --> 00:12:00,206
There's nothing special
about this dental floss, is there?

265
00:12:00,207 --> 00:12:02,285
We don't even know
what dental floss is!

266
00:12:02,291 --> 00:12:03,501
And in a few short moments,

267
00:12:03,502 --> 00:12:05,880
I will fuse these two
dental flosses together

268
00:12:05,881 --> 00:12:08,254
to make one dental floss!

269
00:12:08,255 --> 00:12:11,465
I can't follow any of this!
I love it!

270
00:12:14,178 --> 00:12:17,178
It's like a one-way
Lady and the Tramp, folks.

271
00:12:27,566 --> 00:12:30,985
Behold, a single floss!

272
00:12:35,699 --> 00:12:38,619
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Can you fill in for a beat, Krawleen?

273
00:12:47,336 --> 00:12:48,916
Hey, Dad! You look hungry.

274
00:12:48,921 --> 00:12:52,006
I can have someone bring you
some Valhallapeño Poppers.

275
00:12:52,007 --> 00:12:53,447
What do you want?
An Asgarden Burger?

276
00:12:53,471 --> 00:12:56,510
How about nachos, Thor-style,
where they smash 'em up with a hammer?

277
00:12:56,512 --> 00:12:58,762
Oh my God, my poor dear boy.

278
00:12:58,764 --> 00:13:01,602
Look what they've done to you.
Turned you into a fool.

279
00:13:01,603 --> 00:13:03,100
What? You mean my act?

280
00:13:03,102 --> 00:13:04,942
I've been workshopping it
for my Bar Mitzvah.

281
00:13:04,943 --> 00:13:07,267
Now that you know that,
do you think it's pretty cool?

282
00:13:07,272 --> 00:13:09,022
No! I don't understand it.

283
00:13:09,024 --> 00:13:11,612
The last time I saw you,
these things were going to eat you!

284
00:13:11,613 --> 00:13:14,448
Oh, they were saucin' me up,
flavorin' me good.

285
00:13:14,449 --> 00:13:16,656
I'm talkin' celery,
onions, bell peppers,

286
00:13:16,657 --> 00:13:18,616
the holy trinity of Cajun cuisine...

287
00:13:18,617 --> 00:13:20,737
Just get to the part
where they didn't eat you.

288
00:13:20,744 --> 00:13:24,874
I did that thing where I made one ball
turn into two balls.

289
00:13:24,875 --> 00:13:28,876
And look at me now! Full residency
at the Catch A Rising Kobold Theater!

290
00:13:28,877 --> 00:13:31,717
I was so worried about you only to learn
that you've become the jester

291
00:13:31,741 --> 00:13:33,472
to some freaky-ass goblin creatures?

292
00:13:33,473 --> 00:13:35,965
Actually, I'm doing really well.

293
00:13:35,968 --> 00:13:37,548
I'm making more than Krawleen.

294
00:13:37,553 --> 00:13:39,637
And she's Krawleen!

295
00:13:42,307 --> 00:13:44,887
No son of mine upstages Krawleen.
We're leaving!

296
00:13:44,893 --> 00:13:46,272
- But, Dad...
- Time to go home

297
00:13:46,273 --> 00:13:50,068
and prepare for your traditional,
non-humiliating Bar Mitzvah.

298
00:13:50,069 --> 00:13:52,395
Why would I go home
when I could stay here

299
00:13:52,401 --> 00:13:53,841
where I don't have to hide who I am?

300
00:13:53,865 --> 00:13:55,646
That was you hiding who you are?

301
00:13:55,654 --> 00:13:58,374
I'm constantly dealing with it!
It's so in my face!

302
00:14:00,451 --> 00:14:01,951
Throw him out.

303
00:14:05,497 --> 00:14:08,537
I believe I had two goats!

304
00:14:08,542 --> 00:14:11,002
These are them. Thanks.

305
00:14:11,003 --> 00:14:12,631
I only had two!

306
00:14:12,632 --> 00:14:14,964
I'm not keeping this goat...
Goatis Redding. Dammit!

307
00:14:14,965 --> 00:14:16,845
Ahh, you're in the gang,
and I love you forever.

308
00:14:16,869 --> 00:14:18,011
For my next trick,

309
00:14:18,012 --> 00:14:20,180
I'll pull a guitar out of Krawleen.

310
00:14:21,722 --> 00:14:24,432
I can't protect Lou if he's stuck
in that goblin city

311
00:14:24,433 --> 00:14:25,641
guarded by those freaks.

312
00:14:25,642 --> 00:14:27,082
I'll have to take him back by force.

313
00:14:27,106 --> 00:14:28,848
Looks like the only way to save my son

314
00:14:29,354 --> 00:14:31,324
is to go to war with him.

315
00:14:34,485 --> 00:14:36,065
Well, I ate Goatis.

316
00:14:36,070 --> 00:14:38,154
Anyway, hey, Asgardians!

317
00:14:38,155 --> 00:14:41,115
Is this the sorcerer you're looking for?

318
00:14:41,116 --> 00:14:42,026
The symbol!

319
00:14:42,034 --> 00:14:43,701
He leads the Kobolds!

320
00:14:43,702 --> 00:14:46,120
Then we go to war!

321
00:14:46,121 --> 00:14:48,831
For the normalcy
of my son's Bar Mitzvah!

322
00:14:48,832 --> 00:14:50,875
For the what of the what?

323
00:14:50,876 --> 00:14:52,916
For a deeply personal conflict

324
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:55,210
that has nothing
to do with you guys!

325
00:14:59,802 --> 00:15:01,802
To my beautiful wife, Astrid.

326
00:15:01,804 --> 00:15:04,894
The Great Bar Mitzvah Wars
have dragged on for months.

327
00:15:04,895 --> 00:15:07,430
Know that if this great war takes me,

328
00:15:07,434 --> 00:15:10,144
I want you to... never move on.

329
00:15:10,145 --> 00:15:13,355
I'm serious.
If you do, I'll haunt you forever.

330
00:15:14,024 --> 00:15:17,113
Life on the front lines is unforgiving.

331
00:15:17,114 --> 00:15:19,821
The only thing that gives me hope
are your letters

332
00:15:19,822 --> 00:15:22,156
written in aged menstrual blood.

333
00:15:22,157 --> 00:15:25,657
If I do not return,
dear pungent Gremelina,

334
00:15:25,661 --> 00:15:27,961
I know that I will miss every part of you.

335
00:15:28,247 --> 00:15:31,916
Your scaly flesh,
the stench of your rotting teeth,

336
00:15:31,917 --> 00:15:35,707
the moles that line every inch
of your mug-shaped body.

337
00:15:36,004 --> 00:15:37,674
But though we suffer,

338
00:15:37,675 --> 00:15:40,093
none suffer more than our great leader

339
00:15:40,094 --> 00:15:42,389
who carries the full weight of this war.

340
00:15:42,390 --> 00:15:44,556
Okay, Dad. I give up magic.

341
00:15:44,557 --> 00:15:47,974
I like normal stuff now,
like cars and toast.

342
00:15:47,975 --> 00:15:50,095
Thanks, son. I accept your surrender.

343
00:15:50,102 --> 00:15:52,440
Just kidding, I'm gonna kill
all these stupid goblins.

344
00:15:52,441 --> 00:15:53,898
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

345
00:15:53,899 --> 00:15:55,897
I'm the man now, dog!

346
00:15:55,899 --> 00:15:58,029
How goes the battlefront, General Dagr?

347
00:15:58,030 --> 00:16:01,316
- We have taken great losses.
- Oh. I hate hearing that.

348
00:16:01,321 --> 00:16:03,909
Should I reflect that on the table?
Why are we losing soldiers?

349
00:16:03,910 --> 00:16:07,535
You took their shields away
and melted them down to make figurines.

350
00:16:07,536 --> 00:16:08,906
Well, we didn't
take their swords, though.

351
00:16:08,912 --> 00:16:10,959
Let's take their swords
and melt those down

352
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,496
to make shields for the figurines.

353
00:16:12,499 --> 00:16:14,289
I don't want to make
the same mistake with the figurines

354
00:16:14,293 --> 00:16:15,501
that I did with the soldiers.

355
00:16:16,712 --> 00:16:19,964
Lord, the other side hast offered

356
00:16:19,965 --> 00:16:22,295
to meet and negotiate peace.

357
00:16:22,301 --> 00:16:24,601
Peace, you say?

358
00:16:37,441 --> 00:16:40,441
I'm here for peace!

359
00:16:45,657 --> 00:16:48,367
So... this war sorta got out of hand,

360
00:16:48,369 --> 00:16:51,287
and, uh, a lot of people sorta died.

361
00:16:51,288 --> 00:16:55,078
Wrong again.
This war was always in hand, my hand.

362
00:16:55,084 --> 00:16:56,881
And a lot of people definitely died.

363
00:16:56,882 --> 00:16:58,296
And after this tank pops off,

364
00:16:58,297 --> 00:17:01,085
a hell of a lot more people
are going to die.

365
00:17:01,673 --> 00:17:05,301
As a peace offering,
I brought you these flowers.

366
00:17:09,264 --> 00:17:10,854
Aah!

367
00:17:11,642 --> 00:17:13,482
Yah!

368
00:17:24,697 --> 00:17:26,157
Go ahead, laugh at me!

369
00:17:26,158 --> 00:17:27,826
Just like everyone always has!

370
00:17:29,243 --> 00:17:31,619
That's right.
Just go. Leave.

371
00:17:32,371 --> 00:17:34,871
- Here, Dad, let me...
- Don't touch me!

372
00:17:35,249 --> 00:17:36,289
Use this.

373
00:17:37,835 --> 00:17:41,625
This is... this is exactly
what I wanted to save you from.

374
00:17:41,630 --> 00:17:42,630
What?

375
00:17:42,631 --> 00:17:45,841
I didn't want you doing magic
at your Bar Mitzvah

376
00:17:45,843 --> 00:17:48,513
because... well, I didn't want you
to feel humiliated.

377
00:17:49,638 --> 00:17:52,428
On account of magic being lame?

378
00:17:52,433 --> 00:17:53,643
Disagree. Continue.

379
00:17:53,976 --> 00:17:55,346
I worry about you.

380
00:17:55,352 --> 00:17:57,522
I worry about you being
too much like me.

381
00:17:57,523 --> 00:17:59,771
I thought you wanted me
to be more like you?

382
00:17:59,773 --> 00:18:01,733
What? No. People hate me.

383
00:18:01,734 --> 00:18:03,776
I've been mocked all my life
for being different.

384
00:18:04,698 --> 00:18:07,864
I want you to be more like,
I... I don't know... Tony Stark.

385
00:18:07,865 --> 00:18:10,331
- Your greatest foe?
- People like him.

386
00:18:11,035 --> 00:18:13,833
- I want people to like you.
- Oh.

387
00:18:13,834 --> 00:18:16,289
One day, I'll conquer the world
and create a utopia

388
00:18:16,290 --> 00:18:18,540
where no one can ever hurt you,
but until then

389
00:18:18,542 --> 00:18:23,629
it's safer for you to like normal things
like football or toast.

390
00:18:23,630 --> 00:18:26,260
You're always bringing up toast.
I like toast.

391
00:18:26,592 --> 00:18:28,509
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

392
00:18:28,510 --> 00:18:29,550
Hey.

393
00:18:29,553 --> 00:18:34,015
Hey! Kobold justice demands
public execution,

394
00:18:34,016 --> 00:18:35,766
giant head man!

395
00:18:35,768 --> 00:18:37,848
Lou, call my lawyer,
Irving Champlain.

396
00:18:37,853 --> 00:18:40,943
If he doesn't save my life,
it's freeee!

397
00:18:47,196 --> 00:18:48,404
You don't have to do this.

398
00:18:48,405 --> 00:18:50,686
I can get you pewter figurines!
You like pewter figurines?

399
00:18:50,710 --> 00:18:53,701
I can give you all of mine.
I have... 10.

400
00:18:53,702 --> 00:18:55,370
That's every last one.

401
00:18:56,663 --> 00:18:57,710
Oh, please don't kill me!

402
00:18:57,711 --> 00:18:59,626
Alright, I have 6,000 figurines.

403
00:18:59,627 --> 00:19:01,625
You can have them all.
Just don't kill me!

404
00:19:01,627 --> 00:19:03,087
My son needs me!

405
00:19:03,837 --> 00:19:06,005
You gruesome son of a bitch,

406
00:19:06,006 --> 00:19:07,836
you're gonna saw me in half?

407
00:19:10,094 --> 00:19:14,305
Oh, you're gonna saw me in half.

408
00:19:14,306 --> 00:19:17,766
This man likes splitting
our land in two.

409
00:19:17,768 --> 00:19:21,478
Let's see how much he likes it
when we split his body in two!

410
00:19:23,399 --> 00:19:26,938
- Nooo!
- Murder!

411
00:19:27,319 --> 00:19:29,359
You're killing me, you jerk!

412
00:19:29,363 --> 00:19:31,489
Oh, woe to be cut!

413
00:19:31,490 --> 00:19:33,157
Oh, to be sliced!

414
00:19:33,158 --> 00:19:36,577
Aww, you're cutting my stomach,
and the food's coming out.

415
00:19:36,578 --> 00:19:38,118
I'm getting hungry again!

416
00:19:38,122 --> 00:19:41,624
He speaks so much!
Saw his face!

417
00:19:41,625 --> 00:19:44,065
This is where the saw is!
I've already committed to the cut!

418
00:19:44,089 --> 00:19:47,335
And we've come to the spine,
which you'll never get through!

419
00:19:47,339 --> 00:19:49,129
Ah geez, you did it.

420
00:19:50,759 --> 00:19:51,839
Is he finally...

421
00:19:51,844 --> 00:19:54,354
Ahh, the adrenaline's kickin' in now!

422
00:19:54,355 --> 00:19:57,346
I could die for days!

423
00:19:58,142 --> 00:20:00,184
- Dad.
- Alright, alright.

424
00:20:00,185 --> 00:20:01,805
Here's the big moment!

425
00:20:01,812 --> 00:20:04,062
Three, two, one.

426
00:20:04,064 --> 00:20:06,149
Countdown to my death begins.

427
00:20:06,150 --> 00:20:07,900
- Ten, nine...
- He died!

428
00:20:07,901 --> 00:20:09,277
He just died right then!

429
00:20:10,239 --> 00:20:13,197
But wait!
There's more!

430
00:20:13,824 --> 00:20:16,414
- Holy shit!
- The legs are still kicking!

431
00:20:16,415 --> 00:20:19,000
We've become the monsters!

432
00:20:19,621 --> 00:20:21,418
You saved me!
And it was so fun!

433
00:20:21,419 --> 00:20:22,785
You were a little hammy.

434
00:20:22,791 --> 00:20:25,041
I mean, I can be hammy
sometimes with the magic,

435
00:20:25,044 --> 00:20:27,879
but you were moons over my hammy.

436
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:29,880
Thank you!
Now hug me, you...

437
00:20:29,882 --> 00:20:31,842
Abra-hug-dad-bra!

438
00:20:34,094 --> 00:20:37,263
So I learned that Lou's strong
in his own way.

439
00:20:37,264 --> 00:20:39,434
And I managed to save my figurines.

440
00:20:39,435 --> 00:20:41,017
So it all worked out.

441
00:20:41,018 --> 00:20:44,898
MODOK, it sounds like there was
a massive and senseless loss of life.

442
00:20:44,899 --> 00:20:46,687
Yeah, but I like magic now!

443
00:20:46,690 --> 00:20:49,488
And I see my son in a different light.
A positive one!

444
00:20:49,489 --> 00:20:51,235
So he's gonna do whatever he wants

445
00:20:51,236 --> 00:20:53,196
at his Bar Mitzvah
whether you like it or not.

446
00:20:53,197 --> 00:20:55,737
- MODOK...
- Fine, we'll diaper the doves.

447
00:20:55,741 --> 00:20:58,411
- It's just that...
- Sew their buttholes shut?

448
00:20:58,412 --> 00:21:00,370
You're a monster, but it's done.

449
00:21:00,371 --> 00:21:03,371
Look, everyone knows I like to have fun.

450
00:21:03,374 --> 00:21:05,291
I'm the wacky Rabbi.

451
00:21:05,292 --> 00:21:09,420
I wear yarmulkes
with polka dots on them.

452
00:21:09,421 --> 00:21:11,141
Fine, you're fun.
What are you getting at?

453
00:21:11,165 --> 00:21:13,508
I am worried about Lou's magic.

454
00:21:13,509 --> 00:21:15,339
He's supposed
to be becoming a man,

455
00:21:15,344 --> 00:21:18,434
and I may be a silly Rabbi,
but tricks are for kids.

456
00:21:21,308 --> 00:21:23,518
So you're saying the magic is...

457
00:21:23,519 --> 00:21:25,769
Is a symptom of a larger problem.

458
00:21:25,771 --> 00:21:28,691
Lou seems to be using it
to push people away.

459
00:21:28,692 --> 00:21:32,030
I think he's having a hard time
with the divorce.

460
00:21:32,361 --> 00:21:34,696
- You're saying ban magic?
- No.

461
00:21:34,697 --> 00:21:38,324
So it's magic ahoy,
set sail for magic?

462
00:21:38,325 --> 00:21:40,655
There isn't a simple answer here.

463
00:21:40,661 --> 00:21:44,038
All I know is your son is hurting.

464
00:21:44,039 --> 00:21:46,669
And it's up to you to figure out
how to help him.

465
00:21:48,460 --> 00:21:51,210
There he is!
Coolest dad in the world!

466
00:21:51,213 --> 00:21:52,213
My best friend!

467
00:21:52,214 --> 00:21:53,923
So did you tell her what's what?

468
00:21:53,924 --> 00:21:56,144
That we both want magic
at my Bar Mitzvah?

469
00:21:56,145 --> 00:21:57,425
Lou, I...

470
00:21:57,428 --> 00:22:02,138
About that,
let's just... talk about it later, okay?

471
00:22:08,105 --> 00:22:10,475
Yeah, you and me both, goat.

472
00:22:10,482 --> 00:22:11,942
You and me both.

473
00:22:22,911 --> 00:22:25,911
Well, this has been lovely,
but I wanna go home.

474
00:22:25,914 --> 00:22:28,875
- You have no home.
- Oh yes, I do.

475
00:22:28,876 --> 00:22:31,416
You're so negative.
Just like your older self.

476
00:22:31,420 --> 00:22:33,129
The family doesn't appreciate you.

477
00:22:33,130 --> 00:22:35,420
They're not that bad.
We rib each other.

478
00:22:35,424 --> 00:22:37,344
I mean, I don't rib them
as much as they rib me.

479
00:22:37,345 --> 00:22:39,552
I don't rib them at all actually.

480
00:22:39,553 --> 00:22:41,391
I do get my little barbs in
from time to time,

481
00:22:41,392 --> 00:22:43,928
- it's not like I don't...
- Shut up! I want to make you an offer.

482
00:22:43,932 --> 00:22:45,682
Is it for betrayal? I accept.

483
00:22:45,684 --> 00:22:48,603
They don't love me. I have no home!
Is this where we live now?

484
00:22:48,604 --> 00:22:51,820
Well, I was gonna offer you
what they never have:

485
00:22:51,821 --> 00:22:54,435
- complete independence...
- It's fine, it's done.

486
00:22:54,443 --> 00:22:56,652
What did you have in mind?
I say poison them.

487
00:22:56,653 --> 00:22:57,823
I know where their food is.

488
00:22:58,238 --> 00:22:59,947
It's in the house.

489
00:22:59,948 --> 00:23:03,988
Oh, I have something much bigger
in store for them.

490
00:23:03,994 --> 00:23:06,544
Oh, you should put them in those coffins!

491
00:23:06,545 --> 00:23:09,728
They'll turn into bones!
This is going great!

492
00:23:10,033 --> 00:23:12,910
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