1
00:00:01,771 --> 00:00:04,293
I'm very much a creature of habit.

2
00:00:04,296 --> 00:00:06,661
- Perhaps it's a trait
I got from my father. - _

3
00:00:06,664 --> 00:00:09,964
Every night he would go through
the mail, and every night,

4
00:00:09,966 --> 00:00:12,662
like clockwork, he
would get very cranky.

5
00:00:12,664 --> 00:00:14,840
- Damn bills.
- George.

6
00:00:15,885 --> 00:00:17,500
You'd think he'd get used to it,

7
00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:19,100
_

8
00:00:19,110 --> 00:00:22,585
but night after night it
upset him all over again.

9
00:00:22,587 --> 00:00:24,507
Jury duty? Son of a...

10
00:00:24,510 --> 00:00:26,501
George.

11
00:00:26,504 --> 00:00:27,875
It was complicated.

12
00:00:28,045 --> 00:00:29,106
_

13
00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:31,398
I didn't like seeing him upset,

14
00:00:31,401 --> 00:00:34,031
but what can you do? I love consistency.

15
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:36,914
IRS? This can't be good.

16
00:00:36,917 --> 00:00:38,079
Sure it can.

17
00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:40,125
When is the IRS ever good?

18
00:00:40,127 --> 00:00:42,040
Perhaps they're writing
to congratulate me

19
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,303
on filing such a beautiful tax return.

20
00:00:44,305 --> 00:00:47,093
- What's it say?
- Okay. Not so bad.

21
00:00:47,096 --> 00:00:49,203
We owe four dollars and 22 cents.

22
00:00:49,206 --> 00:00:50,273
What?

23
00:00:50,276 --> 00:00:51,367
That could've been worse.

24
00:00:51,370 --> 00:00:52,528
Yeah, tell me about it.

25
00:00:52,530 --> 00:00:53,661
Let me see that.

26
00:00:53,664 --> 00:00:55,401
I'm gonna wash up for dinner.

27
00:00:55,403 --> 00:00:58,143
You realize they're wrong.
My return was flawless.

28
00:00:58,145 --> 00:01:00,536
I-It's four dollars. Forget it.

29
00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:02,538
But they're saying I made a mistake.

30
00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:05,882
You also got us a nice
refund. You did a great job.

31
00:01:05,885 --> 00:01:07,978
I appreciated my mother's love,

32
00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:09,632
but what a boy really craves

33
00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:13,247
is the unconditional approval
of a government agency.

34
00:01:25,445 --> 00:01:31,664
- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
... www.Addic7ed.com ...

35
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,577
Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mr. Falcon.

36
00:01:40,578 --> 00:01:42,796
Wait, who is Mr. Falcon?

37
00:01:42,798 --> 00:01:44,102
No one.

38
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,538
Then why'd he say it?

39
00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:48,018
Well, in the real version,
he said a bad word,

40
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:50,108
but they had to change it for TV.

41
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,761
TV is so lame.

42
00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:53,417
What did he really say?

43
00:01:56,398 --> 00:01:58,245
That's so much better.

44
00:01:58,248 --> 00:02:00,596
This movie workson a lot of levels.

45
00:02:00,598 --> 00:02:03,295
Dad, I reviewed the tax
return and I was right.

46
00:02:03,297 --> 00:02:05,601
They're the ones who made the mistake.

47
00:02:05,603 --> 00:02:07,864
Uh... What are you doing?

48
00:02:07,866 --> 00:02:09,997
Writing a check to the IRS.

49
00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:11,767
But we don't owe them anything.

50
00:02:11,770 --> 00:02:13,770
They're claimingthat I
underreported our income,

51
00:02:13,773 --> 00:02:15,175
but I can prove that they're wrong.

52
00:02:15,178 --> 00:02:16,656
It's not worth picking a fight with them

53
00:02:16,658 --> 00:02:17,804
over a few bucks.

54
00:02:17,807 --> 00:02:19,804
Just let me call them,
I can sort this out.

55
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:22,617
Just drop it, we don't
want to get on their radar.

56
00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:24,316
But if you send that
check, it's like admitting

57
00:02:24,318 --> 00:02:26,100
I made a mistake when I didn't.

58
00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:29,669
Sheldon, sometimes being right
isn't the most important thing.

59
00:02:29,671 --> 00:02:32,411
I'm glad you feel that way,
because, boy, are you wrong.

60
00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:35,155
We're done talking about this.

61
00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:40,804
And there he goes, wrong again.

62
00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:46,120
I'll have the rib eye, medium rare.

63
00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:47,295
And for you?

64
00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:49,732
Uh, just the house salad, please.

65
00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:51,908
Very good.

66
00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:53,301
House salad?

67
00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:54,955
You watching your figure?

68
00:02:54,957 --> 00:02:56,640
I have a physical tomorrow.

69
00:02:56,643 --> 00:03:00,178
Oh, so your plan is to
start eating healthy now?

70
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,744
Can't hurt.

71
00:03:01,746 --> 00:03:05,270
It ain't gonna undo 70
years of red meat and beer.

72
00:03:05,272 --> 00:03:06,749
I'm not trying to undo it,

73
00:03:06,751 --> 00:03:09,328
I'm just trying to hide
it under some lettuce.

74
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,888
Son of a Mitch.

75
00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:16,570
Melissa Cooper.

76
00:03:16,573 --> 00:03:18,239
What? I said "Mitch."

77
00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:20,198
There's nothing wrong with that.

78
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,515
But you meant another word.

79
00:03:22,518 --> 00:03:24,518
I'm sorry, what other word?

80
00:03:24,521 --> 00:03:26,156
Just watch it.

81
00:03:26,159 --> 00:03:28,609
Hold on. So you're
saying if I have a friend

82
00:03:28,612 --> 00:03:30,120
whose dad's name is Mitch,

83
00:03:30,122 --> 00:03:32,035
I'm not allowed to talk about him?

84
00:03:32,037 --> 00:03:33,341
I know what you're doing.

85
00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:36,301
Okay, I just feel bad for my friend.

86
00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:38,868
That poor son of a Mitch.

87
00:03:38,870 --> 00:03:40,625
Melissa Cooper.

88
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,439
How's that salad?

89
00:03:44,441 --> 00:03:47,486
It sucks. How's your steak?

90
00:03:47,488 --> 00:03:49,227
You know how they overcook it sometimes

91
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,359
so it's a little bit dry?

92
00:03:50,362 --> 00:03:51,230
Uh-huh.

93
00:03:51,233 --> 00:03:53,795
Not this time. It's so good.

94
00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,929
You know what else is good?

95
00:03:55,931 --> 00:03:58,070
This radish.

96
00:03:58,073 --> 00:03:59,889
- Would you like some steak?
- Yes.

97
00:03:59,891 --> 00:04:01,935
Then you probably
should've ordered some.

98
00:04:01,937 --> 00:04:03,066
It's delicious.

99
00:04:03,068 --> 00:04:05,808
You are not a very nice lady.

100
00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:07,421
Mmm.

101
00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:14,774
Psst. Hey-a, kid.

102
00:04:14,776 --> 00:04:16,732
Who is it?

103
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:20,260
It's me. The envelope
with the IRS check.

104
00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:23,391
What do you want?

105
00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:25,132
You can't let him send me.

106
00:04:25,135 --> 00:04:26,568
You didn't make a mistake.

107
00:04:26,570 --> 00:04:28,614
Oh, I know that, but it's too late.

108
00:04:28,616 --> 00:04:31,834
It's not. The check
isn't due for 30 days.

109
00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:33,015
So?

110
00:04:33,018 --> 00:04:34,967
Just go in the kitchen
and take me off the pile.

111
00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:38,058
Buy yourself some time
to straighten this out.

112
00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:41,366
But tampering with the
mail is a federal offense.

113
00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:44,387
I'm not mail yet. I'm
not in the mailbox.

114
00:04:44,390 --> 00:04:45,935
That's the law.

115
00:04:45,937 --> 00:04:48,677
But what if my dad
notices you're missing?

116
00:04:48,679 --> 00:04:51,898
Do it after he leaves for
work. He'll never know.

117
00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,508
That's brilliant.

118
00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:57,120
I'm not real, so technically,
you thought of it.

119
00:04:57,122 --> 00:04:59,031
That makes more sense.

120
00:05:00,125 --> 00:05:02,212
The next morning, I patiently waited

121
00:05:02,214 --> 00:05:04,234
for my father to leave for work.

122
00:05:07,521 --> 00:05:09,739
Are you leaving for work?

123
00:05:09,742 --> 00:05:11,221
Yeah?

124
00:05:11,223 --> 00:05:12,790
See you. Bye.

125
00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:17,360
Bye.

126
00:05:27,570 --> 00:05:29,327
I leapt into action.

127
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,548
My heart was pounding.

128
00:05:32,998 --> 00:05:34,661
I don't know what
kind of bladder control

129
00:05:34,664 --> 00:05:35,976
professional spies have,

130
00:05:35,979 --> 00:05:38,578
but this first-timer
needed to pee pronto.

131
00:05:41,848 --> 00:05:44,102
Now that I had prevented
my dad from saying

132
00:05:44,104 --> 00:05:47,695
I made a mistake, it was time
to get the IRS to admit theirs.

133
00:05:47,698 --> 00:05:49,468
IRS, Agent Green speaking.

134
00:05:49,471 --> 00:05:51,514
Hello, my name is Sheldon Cooper.

135
00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:53,219
Forgive me for cutting
right to the chase,

136
00:05:53,222 --> 00:05:55,527
but I'm outside and my
skin is incredibly fair.

137
00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:57,484
Okay, how can I help you?

138
00:05:57,487 --> 00:05:59,400
You sent my family a bill saying we owe

139
00:05:59,403 --> 00:06:02,056
an additional four dollars and
22 cents, but you're mistaken.

140
00:06:02,059 --> 00:06:03,884
I filed a flawless return.

141
00:06:03,887 --> 00:06:06,149
I'm sorry, how old are you?

142
00:06:06,152 --> 00:06:07,968
That seems irrelevant, but I'm 11.

143
00:06:07,971 --> 00:06:10,932
Your parents let an 11-year-old
file their federal tax return?

144
00:06:10,935 --> 00:06:13,849
This year. Two years ago,
they let a nine-year-old do it.

145
00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:17,026
Look, these tax codes are complicated.

146
00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:18,367
If you only made

147
00:06:18,370 --> 00:06:20,718
a four dollar mistake,
that's pretty impressive.

148
00:06:20,721 --> 00:06:23,289
I didn't make a mistake at all. You did.

149
00:06:24,892 --> 00:06:26,587
- Is that so?
- Yes.

150
00:06:26,590 --> 00:06:29,852
But don't feel bad, these
tax codes are complicated.

151
00:06:29,855 --> 00:06:31,335
Uh-huh.

152
00:06:33,017 --> 00:06:36,436
Okay, I've got your
file right here, and, uh,

153
00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:39,222
looks like you
underreported your income.

154
00:06:39,224 --> 00:06:41,355
Actually, if you check
under charitable donations,

155
00:06:41,357 --> 00:06:42,992
you'll notice that the money we made

156
00:06:42,995 --> 00:06:45,126
at the garage sale did
not count as taxable income

157
00:06:45,129 --> 00:06:47,099
because we donated it to the church.

158
00:06:47,102 --> 00:06:51,000
Well, I'll, uh, I'll
have a look into that.

159
00:06:51,003 --> 00:06:52,844
In the future, you
might consider doing that

160
00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:54,586
before you send out the letter.

161
00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:56,195
So how does this work?

162
00:06:56,198 --> 00:06:58,726
Do you apologize now,
do I get it in writing?

163
00:06:59,996 --> 00:07:01,300
It's no big deal.

164
00:07:01,303 --> 00:07:02,960
It's a colonoscopy.

165
00:07:02,963 --> 00:07:03,921
So?

166
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:06,640
So, one of those words means
"colon," and the other means

167
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,904
"shoving a camera up it."

168
00:07:08,906 --> 00:07:11,124
Mm. I'm surprised you need one.

169
00:07:11,126 --> 00:07:13,169
Did you tell him about the salad?

170
00:07:13,171 --> 00:07:14,606
It's not funny.

171
00:07:14,608 --> 00:07:16,489
Stop being such a baby.

172
00:07:16,492 --> 00:07:20,286
Something I have pushed out
of my body. You can do this.

173
00:07:20,289 --> 00:07:22,396
Wait, wait, I got an idea.

174
00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:24,529
Why don't we do it together?

175
00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:25,834
What?

176
00:07:25,836 --> 00:07:27,532
- No.
- Come on.

177
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:30,143
It'll be romantic.

178
00:07:30,145 --> 00:07:31,390
You're weird.

179
00:07:31,393 --> 00:07:33,466
- Hey, kids.
- What the hell?

180
00:07:33,468 --> 00:07:35,191
Why are we getting audited?

181
00:07:35,193 --> 00:07:37,716
What? Are you sure it
doesn't say "applauded"?

182
00:07:37,718 --> 00:07:39,108
Perhaps for a job well done?

183
00:07:39,110 --> 00:07:40,545
We're being audited
for the last three years

184
00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:42,152
of our tax returns.

185
00:07:42,155 --> 00:07:43,676
I don't get it.

186
00:07:43,679 --> 00:07:45,375
I mailed in that check a week ago.

187
00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:47,856
About that. I can explain.

188
00:07:47,858 --> 00:07:49,510
- Sheldon?
- I just needed some time

189
00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:51,556
to prove there were
no errors in my work.

190
00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:52,644
What did you do?

191
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:53,993
I took the check

192
00:07:53,995 --> 00:07:55,734
- before Mom mailed it.
- What?

193
00:07:55,736 --> 00:07:58,020
But I called the IRS
and sorted things out.

194
00:07:58,023 --> 00:07:59,259
Clearly you didn't.

195
00:07:59,261 --> 00:08:01,043
I told you to let it go.

196
00:08:01,045 --> 00:08:02,958
I'm sorry.

197
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,917
This could end up costing us a fortune.

198
00:08:04,919 --> 00:08:06,453
- I can fix it.
- No.

199
00:08:06,456 --> 00:08:08,693
I'm gonna hire an accountant
and have him handle it right.

200
00:08:08,695 --> 00:08:11,445
- But I want to help.
- You've helped enough.

201
00:08:11,447 --> 00:08:13,144
Go to your room.

202
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:15,930
Yes, sir.

203
00:08:24,329 --> 00:08:28,375
I feel bad beating you like
this after you bought me drinks.

204
00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:30,943
Okay, I tell you what. You want
to make it more interesting?

205
00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:32,762
- Sure.
- Okay, how about this?

206
00:08:32,765 --> 00:08:35,687
If I win, you get a colonoscopy with me.

207
00:08:35,689 --> 00:08:37,602
God, are you still on this?

208
00:08:37,604 --> 00:08:38,820
Come on, why not?

209
00:08:38,822 --> 00:08:40,320
'Cause I don't wanna.

210
00:08:40,323 --> 00:08:42,817
Well, I don't wanna, either,
but my doctor said I got to.

211
00:08:42,820 --> 00:08:45,261
Well, my doctor didn't say nothing.

212
00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:46,668
When was the last time you saw him?

213
00:08:46,671 --> 00:08:48,438
I don't know, it's been a while.

214
00:08:48,441 --> 00:08:51,036
Yeah, well, like, "six months" a while,

215
00:08:51,039 --> 00:08:52,791
- "Watergate" a while?
- Drop it.

216
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:56,534
Uh, last time you saw him,
were they using leeches?

217
00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:58,590
I'm about to take this pool cue

218
00:08:58,593 --> 00:09:01,016
and beat your doctor to the punch.

219
00:09:01,018 --> 00:09:02,496
Oh. That long, huh?

220
00:09:02,498 --> 00:09:05,325
Look, all I'm saying is
you could use a checkup.

221
00:09:05,327 --> 00:09:07,545
- I feel fine.
- Okay.

222
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:10,025
At your age, there's nothing
wrong with going in...

223
00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:11,505
I'm not going to the doctor,

224
00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:13,202
so just...

225
00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:15,553
mind your own business.

226
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,851
# The Texas honky-tonk blues. #

227
00:09:22,235 --> 00:09:23,843
Why didn't you eat with us?

228
00:09:23,846 --> 00:09:26,148
I'm not hungry. Dad's mad at me.

229
00:09:26,151 --> 00:09:28,000
Mom's not thrilled with me, either.

230
00:09:28,002 --> 00:09:29,168
Why?

231
00:09:29,171 --> 00:09:31,177
Mom made chicken,

232
00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:32,918
and I said chickens cluck a lot,

233
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,746
so they should be called "cluckers."

234
00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:36,704
And some chickens are moms,

235
00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:38,358
so you could call them "mother..."

236
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,359
I don't care.

237
00:09:39,361 --> 00:09:40,839
Mom sure did.

238
00:09:40,841 --> 00:09:42,449
What did you do wrong?

239
00:09:42,451 --> 00:09:44,538
I got Dad in trouble with the IRS.

240
00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:46,105
He has to hire an accountant,

241
00:09:46,107 --> 00:09:47,889
which could cost us a lot of money.

242
00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:50,981
Dang, makes me not want to have kids.

243
00:09:54,332 --> 00:09:55,680
Hello.

244
00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:57,507
Well, hey.

245
00:09:57,509 --> 00:09:58,770
Well, you missed it.

246
00:09:58,772 --> 00:10:00,859
Some old broad went nuts over there

247
00:10:00,861 --> 00:10:03,383
and threw her pool cue on the table.

248
00:10:03,385 --> 00:10:05,254
- She's crazy.
- Mm.

249
00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:06,691
Sorry.

250
00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:09,258
Well, you're not a fan of doctors, huh?

251
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:11,262
They never have good news.

252
00:10:11,265 --> 00:10:14,481
They just want to find something wrong.

253
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:16,483
It's kind of their job.

254
00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:18,485
If something's wrong with me,

255
00:10:18,487 --> 00:10:20,487
I don't want to know about it.

256
00:10:20,489 --> 00:10:21,765
That's dumb.

257
00:10:21,768 --> 00:10:23,229
No, it's not.

258
00:10:23,231 --> 00:10:25,535
If I'm gonna drop dead,
I'd rather do it quick

259
00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:27,799
and leave lookin' good.

260
00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:29,583
I want to live so long

261
00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,846
I start looking like a mummy.

262
00:10:31,848 --> 00:10:33,500
You're off to a strong start.

263
00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:35,328
Hey.

264
00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:38,331
My husband went to the doctor.

265
00:10:38,333 --> 00:10:40,179
And they found something.

266
00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:42,054
Two days later, he was in surgery.

267
00:10:42,057 --> 00:10:43,885
Nine months later, he was dead.

268
00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:46,646
Geez.

269
00:10:47,966 --> 00:10:50,011
I don't want that.

270
00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:53,563
And I, I don't want

271
00:10:53,565 --> 00:10:56,349
to put anybody else through that.

272
00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:57,829
I'm sorry.

273
00:10:57,831 --> 00:10:59,180
Mm.

274
00:11:00,235 --> 00:11:02,250
I hope you stick around long enough

275
00:11:02,253 --> 00:11:04,138
to start looking like a mummy, too.

276
00:11:05,273 --> 00:11:06,794
I always pictured myself

277
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:08,970
more the Bride of Frankenstein type.

278
00:11:08,972 --> 00:11:11,671
Well, you got the hair for it.

279
00:11:16,275 --> 00:11:17,709
So how's it look?

280
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,764
Do I owe a lot of money? I
don't have a lot of money.

281
00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:21,724
Mm-hmm, I can see that.

282
00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:24,161
Who did these?

283
00:11:25,249 --> 00:11:26,553
Why?

284
00:11:26,555 --> 00:11:27,859
Is it that bad?

285
00:11:27,861 --> 00:11:29,382
They're impeccable.

286
00:11:29,384 --> 00:11:30,818
Oh...

287
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,211
Actually, it was my son.

288
00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:35,093
Well, why don't you just
use him for the audit?

289
00:11:35,096 --> 00:11:37,136
He's 11.

290
00:11:37,139 --> 00:11:38,523
An 11-year-old did these?

291
00:11:38,526 --> 00:11:40,338
Actually, he might've
been nine at the time.

292
00:11:40,341 --> 00:11:42,474
I'm not good with birthdays.

293
00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:48,401
Hey.

294
00:11:48,403 --> 00:11:49,968
Hello.

295
00:11:49,971 --> 00:11:51,274
Playing with your trains?

296
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:53,057
I'm punishing myself by looking at them,

297
00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:55,060
but not allowing myself to run them.

298
00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:56,888
You don't have to punish yourself.

299
00:11:56,890 --> 00:11:59,064
Because you'd rather do it? That's fair.

300
00:11:59,066 --> 00:12:00,882
No.

301
00:12:00,885 --> 00:12:02,983
It's okay. I deserve it.

302
00:12:04,503 --> 00:12:06,112
Actually...

303
00:12:06,115 --> 00:12:08,855
I want you to represent us at the audit.

304
00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:10,684
But I messed everything up.

305
00:12:10,686 --> 00:12:11,875
You did.

306
00:12:11,878 --> 00:12:13,530
But I also know if anyone's smart enough

307
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,796
to get us out of this, you are.

308
00:12:17,606 --> 00:12:20,351
Why'd you change your mind?

309
00:12:20,354 --> 00:12:21,638
No reason.

310
00:12:21,641 --> 00:12:23,406
What did the accountant say?

311
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:24,609
Nothing.

312
00:12:24,612 --> 00:12:26,851
They said my returns
were perfect, didn't they?

313
00:12:28,312 --> 00:12:30,314
Play with your trains.

314
00:12:36,036 --> 00:12:38,080
Why are you readin' the Bible?

315
00:12:38,083 --> 00:12:39,559
I felt bad about last night,

316
00:12:39,562 --> 00:12:41,718
so I thought it might be good for me.

317
00:12:41,721 --> 00:12:44,026
Where are you going with this?

318
00:12:44,029 --> 00:12:46,751
Nowhere, I just want to make you happy.

319
00:12:46,754 --> 00:12:48,356
Uh-huh.

320
00:12:48,359 --> 00:12:49,793
"And the man increased

321
00:12:49,796 --> 00:12:52,057
exceedingly, and had much cattle,

322
00:12:52,060 --> 00:12:53,973
and maidservants, and menservants,

323
00:12:53,976 --> 00:12:57,028
- and camels, and asses."
- Okay. Stop.

324
00:12:57,031 --> 00:12:59,080
What? I'm just reading from Genesis.

325
00:12:59,082 --> 00:13:02,046
- Well, cut it out.
- Fine.

326
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,911
Let's try Exodus.

327
00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:05,217
"And on the seventh

328
00:13:05,219 --> 00:13:07,132
day thou shalt rest:

329
00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:09,898
that thine ox and thine ass may rest."

330
00:13:09,901 --> 00:13:11,640
That is it, you are grounded.

331
00:13:11,643 --> 00:13:12,947
For reading the Bible?

332
00:13:12,950 --> 00:13:15,313
The way you are doing
it, yes. Go to your room.

333
00:13:15,316 --> 00:13:16,706
Okay.

334
00:13:16,708 --> 00:13:18,099
I don't have a donkey.

335
00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:20,058
But if I did, I'd take
my ass out of here.

336
00:13:20,060 --> 00:13:22,016
Hello.

337
00:13:22,018 --> 00:13:24,304
I'm George Cooper.
This is my son Sheldon.

338
00:13:24,307 --> 00:13:26,411
Yes, we spoke on the phone.

339
00:13:26,414 --> 00:13:28,327
You look exactly like you sound.

340
00:13:28,329 --> 00:13:29,545
Not everybody does.

341
00:13:29,547 --> 00:13:31,462
- Should we get started?
- Yes.

342
00:13:34,172 --> 00:13:35,911
I realize some people

343
00:13:35,914 --> 00:13:38,200
may find the ins and outs of tax law

344
00:13:38,203 --> 00:13:41,906
a little tedious, so allow
me to spice this story up.

345
00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:45,012
Instead of an audit,
imagine this is a showdown

346
00:13:45,015 --> 00:13:47,817
between two warriors in the most brutal

347
00:13:47,820 --> 00:13:50,489
and exciting form of combat there is...

348
00:13:50,492 --> 00:13:52,003
chess.

349
00:13:53,702 --> 00:13:55,554
Am I the only one who just got chills?

350
00:13:55,557 --> 00:13:58,008
Let's start with the business deductions

351
00:13:58,011 --> 00:14:00,881
from Schedule A on the tax return dated

352
00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:02,535
1989.

353
00:14:02,537 --> 00:14:04,754
I know, bold opening move.

354
00:14:04,756 --> 00:14:06,974
Don't worry, I came to play.

355
00:14:06,976 --> 00:14:08,106
Happy to.

356
00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:10,064
I've got those receipts right here.

357
00:14:10,066 --> 00:14:11,817
Dated, highlighted...

358
00:14:11,820 --> 00:14:13,417
and itemized.

359
00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:16,114
Told you.

360
00:14:19,293 --> 00:14:22,424
For the next three
hours, we battled it out.

361
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:24,122
Two mighty brains

362
00:14:24,124 --> 00:14:27,516
locked in mortal tax code combat.

363
00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:31,564
Justify this expense.

364
00:14:31,566 --> 00:14:34,468
Our AGI was less than 50,000.

365
00:14:34,471 --> 00:14:36,775
Improper classification.

366
00:14:36,778 --> 00:14:39,351
Rolled over from the
previous fiscal year.

367
00:14:40,591 --> 00:14:43,417
The receipt has barbecue sauce on it.

368
00:14:43,420 --> 00:14:45,597
- Dad.
- Sorry.

369
00:14:49,279 --> 00:14:50,570
So you are

370
00:14:50,573 --> 00:14:52,699
remarkably well-versed in the tax code.

371
00:14:52,702 --> 00:14:53,918
- Thank you.
- It's nice of you

372
00:14:53,921 --> 00:14:55,225
to do your parents' returns

373
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:56,357
for free every year.

374
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:57,742
Oh, I don't do it for free.

375
00:14:57,745 --> 00:15:00,441
My dad buys me a model train afterwards.

376
00:15:00,444 --> 00:15:02,637
Interesting.

377
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:04,336
So you accept payment

378
00:15:04,338 --> 00:15:06,729
even though you're not a
licensed tax professional?

379
00:15:09,569 --> 00:15:11,832
In clear violation of federal law.

380
00:15:13,637 --> 00:15:15,437
Check.

381
00:15:16,828 --> 00:15:19,144
I had walked right into his trap.

382
00:15:20,048 --> 00:15:22,351
Excuse me, I need to use the restroom.

383
00:15:27,317 --> 00:15:30,062
So, catch that Cowboys game last...

384
00:15:30,065 --> 00:15:32,196
- No.
- Yeah.

385
00:15:35,072 --> 00:15:36,324
Ballard's.

386
00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:38,936
- Hello.
- Hey, what's up?

387
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:41,503
You'll be happy to know I
went out and got a checkup.

388
00:15:41,505 --> 00:15:43,157
Fantastic.

389
00:15:43,159 --> 00:15:44,687
Yeah, great, just great.

390
00:15:44,690 --> 00:15:46,900
And now you can shut up about it.

391
00:15:46,902 --> 00:15:47,984
Well, how'd it go?

392
00:15:47,987 --> 00:15:49,552
Good news, bad news.

393
00:15:49,555 --> 00:15:52,123
- Uh-oh.
- Good news is I'm fine.

394
00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:54,734
Well, now, isn't that
comforting to know?

395
00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:55,968
Don't be smug.

396
00:15:55,971 --> 00:15:57,363
So what's the bad news?

397
00:15:58,781 --> 00:16:00,832
He wants me to have a colonoscopy.

398
00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:01,915
Great!

399
00:16:01,917 --> 00:16:04,156
Oh, my gosh, we can do it together!

400
00:16:04,159 --> 00:16:06,109
Can't you just feel the romance?

401
00:16:06,112 --> 00:16:08,273
No, you weirdo.

402
00:16:12,058 --> 00:16:14,058
There you are.

403
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:15,755
Hey, we're waiting on you.

404
00:16:15,757 --> 00:16:18,062
I want to go home.

405
00:16:18,064 --> 00:16:19,628
What are you talking about?

406
00:16:19,630 --> 00:16:20,781
We're not done yet.

407
00:16:20,784 --> 00:16:21,957
Yes, we are.

408
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,588
I made a mistake that's gonna cost us

409
00:16:23,591 --> 00:16:25,808
a lot of money that we don't have.

410
00:16:25,810 --> 00:16:27,638
I feel so stupid.

411
00:16:30,510 --> 00:16:32,814
Hey.

412
00:16:32,817 --> 00:16:34,469
It's okay to feel stupid.

413
00:16:34,471 --> 00:16:36,080
No, it's not.

414
00:16:36,082 --> 00:16:38,343
It just means you're growing.

415
00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:40,736
If you don't look back
and think you were dumb,

416
00:16:40,738 --> 00:16:42,956
then you, then you
haven't learned anything.

417
00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:44,958
So what do we do?

418
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,250
We get back in there.

419
00:16:46,253 --> 00:16:47,482
What if we lose?

420
00:16:47,485 --> 00:16:49,637
Doesn't matter... win or lose,

421
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,138
we don't give up, all right?

422
00:16:51,140 --> 00:16:52,661
Now let's get in there and show 'em

423
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:54,315
what we're made of... what do you say?

424
00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:57,014
I've heard you give that exact
same pep talk at football games.

425
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,856
Well, I didn't have a
special one prepared.

426
00:16:58,859 --> 00:17:00,104
That's all right.

427
00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:01,933
I feel properly pepped.

428
00:17:08,505 --> 00:17:10,201
So...

429
00:17:10,203 --> 00:17:11,900
where were we?

430
00:17:13,423 --> 00:17:15,242
Check.

431
00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:19,558
It's true.

432
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,212
I made a mistake.

433
00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:23,825
But my dad taught me that's okay.

434
00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:27,609
Wait.

435
00:17:27,611 --> 00:17:29,176
My dad's a teacher.

436
00:17:29,178 --> 00:17:32,872
Which means, my doing our
taxes wasn't work for-hire,

437
00:17:32,875 --> 00:17:35,617
but an economics lesson
he was teaching me.

438
00:17:38,013 --> 00:17:41,014
Therefore, the train he
bought me wasn't payment

439
00:17:41,016 --> 00:17:43,293
for unlicensed work, it was a reward

440
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,368
for successfully completing my lesson.

441
00:17:48,921 --> 00:17:51,023
So it does not violate the statute,

442
00:17:51,026 --> 00:17:53,817
and since the value of the
train is less than $10,000,

443
00:17:53,820 --> 00:17:56,725
there's no additional gift tax.

444
00:17:56,727 --> 00:17:58,860
Checkmate.

445
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:11,133
Well, I guess that wraps it up.

446
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:13,960
Is it over? What happened?

447
00:18:13,963 --> 00:18:15,092
We won.

448
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,648
Wait, we don't owe anything?

449
00:18:16,651 --> 00:18:18,660
No, your returns are all in order.

450
00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:20,101
Well done.

451
00:18:20,104 --> 00:18:21,139
Thank you.

452
00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:22,620
Your son's extremely intelligent.

453
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:24,753
- Yep.
- I hope you audit us next year,

454
00:18:24,756 --> 00:18:26,491
so I can run circles around you again.

455
00:18:26,494 --> 00:18:28,496
Until he says something
stupid. Let's go.

456
00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:40,204
I can't believe we have to drink

457
00:18:40,206 --> 00:18:42,119
so much of that garbage.

458
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:45,383
Well, the important thing is,
we get to do it together, dear.

459
00:18:45,385 --> 00:18:47,546
You are so full of crap.

460
00:18:49,334 --> 00:18:51,601
Well, not for much longer.

461
00:18:51,604 --> 00:18:54,481
Excuse me, the festivities have begun.

462
00:18:54,484 --> 00:18:56,437
You're taking that whole thing with you?

463
00:18:56,439 --> 00:18:57,875
I'm gonna be a while.

464
00:19:01,783 --> 00:19:05,480
_

465
00:19:05,581 --> 00:19:11,605
- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
... www.Addic7ed.com ...