Huh.
Hmm.
Buckle up. We're going to overtime.
- What the hell is this? - Warriors and Knicks overtime.
Ashley... five stars.
Natalya... four stars.
Cornelia... one star.
What, because her name was Cornelia?
That's not her fault, you should give her parents one star.
It's my amends list for Al-Anon.
And you hid it behind my panty drawer?
Freak.
I wasn't hiding anything, I lost it.
I wrote that a year ago.
You know, I don't just vent about you at Al-Anon. I do the steps.
Let's get ready for the tip-off.
Except that one.
Yeah, you're gonna catch the highlights, pal.
So, you owe an amends to all these women?
And some of their husbands.
And what do the stars mean?
How hot they were?
It's how bad my behavior was.
- Candy was four stars? - Yeah.
Actually, in both departments.
So... you wrote down this list
of, like, a thousand names,
and you haven't gotten in touch with any of them?
Correct.
And, by the way, where is my name?
Oh, wait, here I am.
Different Bonnie.
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --
Interesting. My amends list was
a bunch of laws I broke.
Yours is a bunch of hearts you broke.
My Al-Anon sponsor had me look at my patterns with women,
and I did a lot of damage there.
I was either drawn to drama or creating it.
Like you create it with me?
Sure.
So I...
made this list and then I lost it.
If that's not a sign from my higher power...
Yeah, nice try.
At least I had drugs and drinking to blame.
Yeah, you had alcohol.
I had a penis.
Both weapons of mass destruction when used irresponsibly.
Well, there's your list. There's your phone, get cracking.
I know I should.
I just don't know what to say.
And that's where, once again, you are fortunate to have me.
No one has made more amends to more people than I have.
It's the reason I learned Spanish.
I've done them in person, on the phone, in song.
I'm not gonna sing to anyone.
The DMV lady loved it.
? I'm sorry I drove us off a bridge ?
? During my three-point turn ?
? But I was tripping balls on acid. ?
Don't be shy with the jazz hands.
I-I don't know. I've got six pages of past here.
Well, let's start at the beginning.
What's the story with five-star Ashley?
Uh, she was a girl I started dating right out of college...
- Redhead, psych major, loved to ski. - Get to the stars.
I slept with somebody she knew.
Go on.
And when I moved to L.A.,
I accidentally on purpose didn't give her my new number.
- That's it? - And I kept her Supertramp album.
Supertramp? You did her a favor.
Let me tell you, honey, making amends is a lot like sex.
The first time, it's awkward 'cause you don't know what you're doing.
And then you get better at it and it's fun,
and eventually you get so good,
you set up a camera and film yourself.
Hypothetically.
- Should we have waited for Bonnie? - She never waits for us.
But you know she's gonna get more mad at me
than the rest of you guys.
Don't worry, if she comes after you, I got your back.
- Thanks. - Incoming.
Seriously, Wendy? You couldn't wait?
- We tried to tell her. - What was that?
How you survive seven years in prison.
Give me the cake. I need it after the morning I just had.
You know, you don't have to come every day.
At my urging,
Adam decided to embark on his amends journey.
Let's just say the first one did not go so well.
She's dead?
Jazz hands.
Oh, so sad.
Kicked the bucket six months ago.
Dead. That's a tough one out of the gate.
- Yeah. He still gets credit for trying. - Mm.
I remember my first time tackling my amends list.
Did you have Agnes at the switchboard connect you
to Klondike-five, zero-one-nine-eight?
No.
It was in a phone booth,
and I had to do awful things to get the change for the call.
Mm. I had a whole section of my list
that was just "things I set on fire."
Adam's taking this woman's death very hard.
I caught him crying while he was brushing his teeth.
It's so gross when men feel.
Yeah. It's like women being umpires... who needs that?
Oh, God.
I'm sorry, were you an umpire?
I bet you looked real cute in those gray slacks.
No, this makes me realize it's time I get to my big amends.
You mean like not having my back with Bonnie?
Why don't we let that one go, sweetheart?
So, who is it? A fella you done wrong?
Oh, I know.
Did you set someone on fire in their jail cell?
What is it with you and fire?
Oh, honestly, it's just so beautiful while it destroys.
Someone talk.
It's the steakhouse I robbed.
I've driven by it so many times.
I've just never had the courage to go in.
Yeah, me, too, but for very different reasons.
The only steak that costs $4.99 is called horse.
You know what? I'm starting to think it was the husband.
He's too nice, and they wouldn't use
an actor like that unless he murdered.
And that guy had a show, remember?
Remember, he lived on a boat and gave free legal advice
to other people that lived on boats?
What was it called? Boat's La?
- I-I don't really care. - Yeah, well, neither did America.
That's why it's not on anymore.
Aren't you gonna open that beer?
No, you can have it.
Unless you want me to end up on a pool floatie
in the Bellagio fountain, no, I cannot.
Sorry.
What's going on?
You have barely said a word... all day,
and now you're not paying attention to NCIS: New Orleans.
And this is a good one.
The crawdads ate the guy's fingerprints off.
I'm f... I'm fine.
Oh, my God.
Are you still upset about Ashley?
Hello, that was Tuesday.
The official mourning period for a girl you dated
during the Reagan administration is over.
You women all want us to be vulnerable until we are.
You're sad because you kissed a girl who's dead.
I mean, if it's any comfort,
I had sex with someone while he was dying.
Actually, wait.
That happened twice.
I think I'd like to be alone.
Seriously? You're pushing me away?
I just need some space.
Are you still in love with Ashley?
Do you have a secret family?
Oh, God, I got to get out of here.
To go and see them?
What is it, little Adam's birthday?
- You're crazy. - Why is this affecting you so much?
It just is, okay?
Where are you going? I'm trying to help.
Try less.
Legal Seagull! That was the name of the show.
Hi, hello, are you the manager?
Who's asking?
Well, my name is Tammy Diffendorf,
and when this was an Outback, I...
Hey, we chose to change the name.
They didn't leave us.
Okay. Well, nine years ago,
I robbed this restaurant and I went to prison.
And since that time, I've gotten sober and changed my life.
And... I just really want to make amends for my crime.
Oh, I remember.
You wore a catsuit and hit us on cops-eat-free night.
That security footage was a staple
at the Christmas party for years.
Also a staple at my trial.
You know what the real crime is?
Nine years later, I still work here.
Anyway, um...
I can't take back what I did,
but I want you to know from the bottom of my heart...
Excuse me.
Hey, Bon, I'm kind of in the middle of something here.
Have you seen Adam?
He took off in the RV, and he's not answering his phone.
Oh, my God. Is this blood?
I'm sorry, Bonnie.
I haven't heard from him, but I'm sure he'll be back.
Are you? He basically drove off in a house.
There's nothing to stop him from starting a new life.
And he just learned how to remove his fingerprints.
Follow my logic here.
A hamburger is meat between two pieces of bread.
How is that not a sandwich?
Because it's a hamburger. It's its own damn thing, D'rryl.
Please stop using my name like that.
I will when you finally make a point, D'rryl.
All right, smart guy, what about a patty melt?
- Not a sandwich. - Stop embarrassing yourself.
It's a melt, it's right there in the name.
I can't even look at you.
Will you two please shut the hell up?
Excuse me?
I've been listening to you jackasses for 20 minutes.
Is a hot dog a sandwich?
Is a taco a sandwich?
Is a jelly doughnut a sandwich?
Who cares? We're all gonna die!
What's your problem, Wheels?
- Don't you call me that. - Oh, okay. Chair?
Sorry about that. My friend's husband seems to be missing.
Oh. You might want to take a look around, and see if he's here.
We get a lot of angry men eating alone.
I'm sure the Bloomin' Onion cheers 'em up.
Hey, we don't offer that product or anything
that infringes on its trademark.
All right, let's wrap up the apology.
I've got a sneeze guard to wipe down.
- It's actually an amends. - What's the difference?
Well, an apology is just saying "I'm sorry."
An amends is an attempt
to actually change the way you live your life.
- That's part of an apology. - No, it's not.
- It is where I come from. - No, no.
An apology is just saying you're sorry.
You're not actually doing anything.
Totally disagree. A sincere desire
to change must be included in any apology,
or it doesn't count.
No, see, the word "amends" comes
from the root word "mend," meaning "to repair."
So an amends is a... an attempt to fix things.
Are you gonna stand there and tell me an apology doesn't fix things?
This got kind of intense.
Which is strange 'cause I really don't care.
Look, I'm just trying to work my program
so I can be more spiritually evolved!
If you really want to make a difference in the world,
how about you and I go out to the parking lot,
you hop in your car and run me over?
- Hey, Nancy. - Marge!
Did another one of your lambs lose their way?
Not officially one of mine,
but he's married to one of mine.
Adam Janikowski.
Do you guys still accept the Discover Card?
Yeah. You should be getting the friends and family discount.
Janikowski's ride's here.
Let me guess. You nailed him on a 647?
Boy, you're good. Huh.
Could've had him on a 415, too.
- A fight? - Mm.
Who would fight a man in a wheelchair?
Someone who got punched in the face by a man in a wheelchair.
Thanks for coming.
Sorry I called you instead of Bonnie.
I just can't deal with her right now.
Sometimes she makes me so mad.
And you end up punching somebody who doesn't deserve it.
Been there, just never got caught.
I am not having a good day.
Terrific, and sitting next to me.
You can't whisper when the person's right next to you.
- It doesn't work. - She does it all the time.
What are you doing?
You're like a kid at the zoo poking a stick through the bars.
First, Adam took off in his stupid house-on-wheels,
and now he won't answer my calls or my texts.
Marjorie isn't answering my texts.
This one took my call but was very distracted.
Hey, I was mid-amends with the manager of the place I robbed.
He's an interesting guy.
Did you know the first steak ever was served in Italy?
I'm guessing the first steak ever was served
when a cow got hit by lightning.
In Italy.
I just... I don't understand why he's so upset.
And why is he shutting me out?
I'm in his corner no matter what.
Did you let him know that whatever he's feeling is okay,
and you can handle it?
While being patient and understanding
with both looks and your tone?
I don't know.
Maybe. I-I might have been a little insensitive.
I can't be sure unless Marjorie is here making a face at me.
The odds of you being insensitive are pretty good.
That's very insensitive of you to point that out.
Wait. Was that insensitive or just annoying?
Where the hell is Marjorie?!
This is nice.
- You got your own fortress of solitude. - Yeah.
I felt like I needed to be alone with my thoughts.
Then I thought,
"Now I'm alone with my thoughts."
And then my thoughts said to me,
"Why are you leaving us alone with you?"
And next thing you know,
I'm bailing you out instead of your wife.
Yeah.
So what's going on?
Beats the hell out of me.
I started making my amends.
Number one on the list is dead.
It knocked me sideways.
And then I got in my first bar fight of our new century.
Mm. That still doesn't help me understand
why you didn't call Bonnie.
Because Bonnie couldn't understand why I was upset.
Uh, and neither can you.
You know, Bonnie's always talking
about how helpful you are.
Whe-When does that part kick in?
When you get honest about what's really going on.
Oh, that was good.
Well, one thing... Might be it, might not...
I didn't tell her the whole truth
about what happened with Ashley.
You're gonna play it that way, huh?
Okay.
We broke up because I slept with somebody,
and that somebody was her mother.
I'd appreciate if you wouldn't look at me right now.
I'll stare into my coffee. Go on.
I didn't sleep with her once. I slept with her seven times.
You might want to grip your seat for this moment.
There was one day where I slept with them both.
How much of this does Bonnie know?
Not much. There was some heavy editing of the truth.
Oh. I did this horrible thing that I've lived with for years,
and now there's no way for me to ever make amends to Ashley.
Not direct amends, but you can make a living amends.
We don't do this to stay in the guilt and shame.
We do this to move forward.
So, how do I do that?
You can start by living differently
so that it never happens with anyone else.
Well, I already do that.
Maybe part of living differently is being honest with Bonnie.
Even if it's hard, even if it hurts.
Oh, it's gonna hurt.
At this point, it'll hurt either way.
Thanks... for being here.
If I can ever do anything to repay you, like, like...
You can loan me this thing next time there's a music festival.
I can't even go anymore 'cause I have to pee too much.
So, to review...
You cheated on Ashley with her mother,
you cheated on her mother with Ashley,
you chose not to tell me those facts,
you got arrested in a bar fight,
and then called Marjorie instead of your loving wife.
To be fair, those events took place over a 40-year period.
Still stings.
You're right. I'll add you to the list.
No, no, you already have a Bonnie on your list.
This one's gonna need jewelry.
I should have shared with you first.
- Why didn't you? - 'Cause I was ashamed of myself.
Ashley and her mother ended up not speaking,
and that was all on me.
Oh, honey.
You sit in those meetings,
and you hear all the ways that people have hurt each other,
and you start thinking about all the stuff
that you've done that you're not proud of.
I mean... I felt so awful about so many things.
And I...
started to worry, "How...
How can Bonnie ever feel the same way about me again?"
I like the way you look at me.
I don't want that to change.
Oh...
After all the things you've learned about me over the years,
how can I sit here and judge you?
I mean, I love that you have a past.
Your past is what's made you you.
And-and it's something to talk about if the cable goes out.
And... I am sorry if I was a little hard on you
- when you were being... - Emotional?
Yeah.
I'm happy to know you're someone who's capable of remorse.
I mean, given that half the world decided
shame is no longer a thing anymore,
it's kind of refreshing.
Thank you.
And you know what else?
I think I owe you an amends.
Man, this amends thing is just a carousel
- you can't get off, isn't it? - Mm-hmm.
Are we seriously eating here?
You all smell that, don't you?
- Oh, hi, Lou. Table for four. - Are you messing with me?
My friends and I eat out about 17 times a week,
so I figured we'd work you into the rotation.
How about you go ahead and dust off one of those tables for us?
Is this still part of the whole apology thing?
- Amends. - Do not go there. He will not yield.
All right, ladies, follow me.
And I never said this, but skip the surf, stick to the turf.
- Your fish isn't fresh? - It's not even fish.
Where is she? Where is she?
You look high, I'll look low.
Geez, you think they charge more for eye-level?
Probably. It's like a grocery store.
I feel bad for the bottom row.
Stuck down there like the off-brand soda.
Their loved ones have to pop a squat just to say "I miss you."
Think you could save the op-ed for the drive home?
Yeah. Sorry.
Hey. Here she is,
right next to her mother.
I bet they made up, huh?
I hope so.
I'll just... put the flowers in the little vase
and let you do your thing.
By the way, he grew up to be a really good man.
Hey, Ashley. It's Adam.
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --