_
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
_
Joe?
Joe-Joe?
Honey, did you hear me? I was calling you.
I'm sorry, I was just finishing up Gillman.
Take your teeth out.
You know I can't understand you with those things in.
I wanted to say I'm sorry, I was finishing up the Gillman.
Well, the Gillman can wait, because guess what?
Aunt Barb is here.
- With Uncle Kevin? - Yeah, with Uncle Kevin.
They brought pepperoni pizza, though.
Come on, before it gets cold.
Your friends will still be here when you get back.
Oh!
Come to dinner!
I hypnotize you to come to dinner!
I really feel like you're doing a good job there.
Thank you very much.
Mmm.
Trick-or-treat's not 'til October, buddy.
Every day is trick-or-treat around here.
- Really? - More Tang?
No thanks. I never drink Tang.
Why not?
It's the official drink of astronauts.
It was the first beverage on the moon, you know that?
Joe likes Tang. He's just, he's doing his Dracula.
Bela Lugosi, right? Played him in the first one.
Technically, Max Schreck played him in the first one...
The silent version, "Nosferatu," 1922.
Bela Lugosi was a dope addict.
- I never heard that. - It's a fact!
Look it up in the encyclopedia.
I'm not crazy about the new guy.
What's his name?
You know, the limey with the red eyes?
- Christopher Lee. - No, that's the karate guy.
Yeah, look it up.
Joe-Joe doesn't have to.
He knows everything there is to know
about Dracula and the Mummy and Frankenstein and...
Who am I missing here?
Uh, OJ Simpson.
When I was his age, I knew everything
there was to know about football.
Nowadays, it's all about this horror crap.
- Can I be excused? - I don't know, can you?
- May I be excused? - Yeah, yeah, in just a minute.
Um, Aunt Barb and Uncle Kevin
have something that they wanted to ask us.
Joe, would it be cool
if me and Uncle Kevin came to stay for a bit?
Your mom could use an extra hand right now
with, well, all that's going on.
If you'll have us.
Heya, count. You're blowing it.
Vampires don't show up in mirrors.
Let me help you.
Ow.
Bud.
Your eye.
Who did that to you?
Billy Niles again?
Come here, kid.
Will you do me a favor
and lay off the monster talk at school, hmm?
You're running short on friends, kiddo.
I have all the friends I need.
You got a lot of 'em.
Why do they have to move in with us?
You know, it's not a forever thing.
Just 'til I finish my next round of chemo.
And, it'll...
It'll help your Uncle Kevin get back on his feet.
He's such a loser.
Hey, he's not so bad.
Did you know actually that he used to box in the Army?
Maybe he could show you a few pointers
on how to deal with ol' Billy Niles?
Yeah?
We'll talk about it tomorrow.
Okey-doke?
Okey-doke.
What's playing on the ol' time machine tonight?
I haven't decided.
"Abbott and Costello Meets" somebody.
Well, set it up. I'll make the Jiffy Pop.
I love you, Mom.
I love you.
Mom?
Why do you always call it a time machine?
Because that's what projectors are.
Movies, they transport us.
Think about it. I bet you remember
exactly where you were
and who you were with the very first time
you heard Dr. Frankenstein yell,
- "It's alive!" - I was with you.
That's right.
And with one flip of a switch, you always will be.
Together forever, Joe-Joe.
Just like in the movies.
_
Mom?
- _ - Good morning.
Where's the kid at?
I let him sleep in.
On a Saturday?
It's chore day.
He's probably up there watching goddamn movies again.
Kevin, be nice.
He'll grow out of it. Some kids do Little League.
Joe-Joe and his mom did monsters.
He's turning into a freak and you're promoting it.
What are you doing in here, sniffing glue?
Repairing the Reaper's arm.
"Repairing the Reaper's arm."
Where they at, huh?
I know you got some girlies under here somewhere, huh?
A-ha!
Well, I'll be dipped in shit.
You do like girls, don't you?
It's a collector's item.
_
But you don't like me much, do you?
That's okay.
You know what, your cousin Gary, he didn't like me much either.
We didn't watch monster movies and the Late Late Show.
My job was to make a man out of him.
That's exactly what I'm gonna do for you.
Thanks?
You're welcome. First things first,
we gotta get rid of all this horror crap.
- Why? - Because I said so!
You know, me and your auntie sacrificed a lot to be here.
That's not how I heard it.
I heard you had to move in because you got canned from your job.
That's how you heard it, huh?
It's called a temporary layoff. Give me this!
Hey, that was a present from my mom!
Oh, poor, poor Grim Reaper! Oh!
Grim Reaper's all broken up about it.
Now get your ass outside! It's chore day!
You can play with your stupid toys later, hmm?
_
Yo, Dr. Frankenstein!
Say hi to your mom for me!
Friend!
Don't tell me, the infamous Billy Niles?
I made some Tang.
I was hoping you'd do your Dracula.
Well, I can't. Sun's still out.
Before you say anything, it was my fault.
Took an extra shift at Bateman's Diner
without telling your uncle.
He says it's getting hard just being a man these days.
He's not a man.
Go for the pin! Go for the pin!
Hello?
Yes, just a second, he's right here.
Kev, it's Mr. Warren.
Hello, Mr. Warren.
Oh, yeah, yeah, we're hanging in the best we can, sir.
I understand, sir. What can I say?
Times have been tough for all of us.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
What are you sorry about? You still got your job.
- What do think you're doing? - Cleaning house.
There's gonna be no more Santa Claus,
no more Tooth Fairy, and no more goddamn monsters!
You're the only monster around here!
- Stay away from him. - Or what? Huh?
Ah, yous deserve each other.
Come on. It's okay.
_
I miss you.
Mom?
_
Got it. Need it.
Need it.
Oh, yes!
_
What happened?
The damnedest thing.
My ankle twisted completely around.
_
Joe, it's me.
I'm working the night shift.
There's turkey pot pie in the fridge.
Just stay clear of your uncle.
He's been in bed all day burning up with fever.
Things are gonna change around here, I promise.
I know.
What the hell's he watching?
Joe, turn it down!
Kid needs a good old-fashioned ass whooping!
Must've backed up the shitter again!
You freak!
I'm coming for ya, buddy!
You got it coming now, boy.
I know you're in there playing with your goddamn toys
'cause I can smell the goddamn glue.
Open the door, or I'll smash it in!
Okay, all right.
Fuck you!
No!
Keep your eyes peeled, boils and ghouls.
The cadaverous conclusion of "Uncle Kevin Meets the Monster"
is right around the corner.
Hey, buddy! Tell your friends I'm sorry!
No!
Are you ready for your close-up, Uncle Kev?
No!
Joe! Joe!
Joe.
Oh, my God.
Come. Sit.
You're just in time for the big ending.
What happened?
Couple of friends came for a visit.
They had some cleaning up to do.
After all,
it is chore day.
_
Everyone was very happy that the little pigs worked so hard,
for now they had plenty of food for winter,
and Farmer John promised to never eat porkchops again.
So, they ate chicken!
The end.
Hmm, what do you suppose that story was about, Henrietta?
Getting what you deserve?
That's right!
Some folks call it karma.
When you do something good,
something good will happen to you.
But if you do something bad...
S-s-s-something bad will happen to me?
Mm-hmm.
So be sure to be good little boys and girls.
Until next time, bye for now!
Mrs. Bookberry's Magical Library is made possible
by a grant from the Public Broadcasting Corporation.
You're watching WQPS, Channel 13, Pittsburgh.
Prevent child abuse.
This is WQPS in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania,
operating on Channel 13 with a frequency of
210 to 216 megahertz by authority of
the Federal Communications Commission.
Bookberry pledge drive promotion, take one.
Settle, settle, lots of energy, and on in three, two...
Something very special is happening tonight
- on Channel 13, Henrietta. - What is it, Mrs. Bookberry?
It's the WQPS pledge drive.
That's where we ask all the mommies and daddies
out there to fuck!
Goddamn it! Line.
"Become a member of Channel 13's television family."
Okay, whatever, here we go.
Three, two, one, action.
That's where we ask the mommies and daddies
out there to join us by becoming a member of
Channel 13's television family.
Cut, I think we got it, Greg. I'm gonna go take a shit.
I'll be in my dressing room.
Everybody take five while she...
- Does that. - Uh, Miss Bookberry?
- Smoke 'em if you got 'em. - Mrs. Bookberry?
Bookberry!
_
Miss Bookberry? Do you have a minute?
About the show tonight. Nothing like live television.
What's up with my time slot, Claudia?
- Am I getting it or what? - Well, you see, about that,
"Love of Painting" has been our 3 o'clock
- for nearly 10 years, and what I... - And what?
"Magical Library" is the biggest show in QPS history.
Without it, this piss stain of a station would be nothing.
I want that time slot. Give me that time slot.
But Norm's show won't survive anywhere else.
Listen, they took a big chance
on promoting someone like you to station manager.
Be a shame to have to tell the higher-ups
that you just couldn't figure it out.
Ya got me, sistah?
You can have 3 o'clock.
Thank you.
Now, if you don't mind,
I prefer to wipe my ass in private,
unless you wanna come in and do it for me?
_
Just a little bit and then we're gonna go
back to the canvas and play in the leaves here.
Just a little dab here and a little dab there.
Right on the roof.
Just down that slope.
Where the leaves are gonna be found in the night.
Maybe they were there last season.
It's up to you, this is your world.
There.
Now, I would say our cabin could use a little something
to look forward to, so let's put a little sunshine
at the horizon.
Take our two-inch brush.
Just lighten up the sky.
Move the darkness away.
There.
I think it's time to clean out our brushes.
Take the brush into the paint thinner.
Shake the excess.
This is my favorite part.
Just beat the devil out of it.
I hope that you all enjoyed painting with me today
because I know I did.
So from all of us here at the station,
happy painting, and God bless.
_
And cut, clear!
That is a beautiful painting, Norm.
- Oh, thank you. - Wanna take a break
before we start shooting the next episode?
Oh, no, no, no, no. We may continue.
Hey, guys, excuse me, can we talk?
What's wrong? Are you cutting our budget again?
Claudia, you can't do that!
I had to get rid of both camera guys.
You got me directing, producing. I'm shooting close-ups here.
I'm not cutting the budget.
I'm afraid we're canceling "Love of Painting."
Oh, no, that's too bad.
May we still shoot this next one?
Yeah, of course, Norm.
Claudia?
What are you doing? The show is all he's got.
My hands are tied, George. His time slot is needed.
I'm sorry. I really am.
How is always so calm?
You'd think he could at least chew me out
for screwing him over.
That man's changed a lot since he came back from 'Nam.
Norm was on the front line of the Tet Offensive.
Musta had to do horrible things to survive.
Priceless items are right under your nose.
Did the value of this snow blower
or this medieval broadsword increase or decrease over time?
What about this jar of Civil War coins?
Find out next on "The Appraiser's Road Trip."
"The Appraiser's Road Trip" with Goodman Tapert.
Good evening, and welcome.
Today's first guest, Mr. Ted Raimi,
has brought us something quite special,
a book.
How did you come across this?
Uh, well, it's...
It's been in the family for years.
I must tell you,
this is an amazing
and quite valuable find.
- Wow! - Wow, indeed.
Brilliant Sumerian craftsmanship.
The stitching in the binding is magnificent.
It's bound in a leather that I'm unfamiliar with,
but despite a few scratches and discolorations,
this is a stunning piece.
It is locked, though. Do you have the key?
Um, I lost it.
Oh, how unfortunate.
But then it was found.
Excellent!
Let's look inside.
This is really exciting.
I mean, I've had this thing in my fruit cellar for years.
I nearly threw it out like a million times.
But I'm glad I didn't though, huh?
I mean, geez Louise,
I wonder what this old thing is worth?
I wonder if I could get a Camaro?
Or maybe a hot tub?
What do you think, a Camaro or a hot tub?
Hot tub.
Yes!
Look at these ink renderings.
The Kandarian text.
Any natural history museum would happily pay anywhere
between 3 or 400,000.
- Dollars? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, man!
This is the best day of my whole life!
Lucky for you, I can read Sumerian.
You can read...
Might be a bit rusty, but what I can gather,
this book is the Necronomicon.
Ah, that name sounds familiar.
It was written when dark spirits ruled the Earth
and the oceans boiled with blood.
The powers of the dead lay within
these very pages. Fascinating.
Listen to these wretched incantations.
Oh, uh, um, maybe don't read it.
"Nosferaten. Valo mortem."
Uh, stop. Don't read any more.
Please stop. Stop!
I said stop. Never!
Let me back into the book, kids, so you should be like me!
When it all makes a pledge to us.
Pledge to us!
- _ - We're gonna say good night to the Grand Tetons.
A meandering stream by just using the Titanium White
and working through the bristles with the two-inch brush.
And ever so gently drag through the dusk creeping over
the mountains here and then saying goodbye
to the dying embers of the day.
Good night, day. Thank you for everything.
Sleep well. There.
I think we're done here.
Um...
today, I have gotten some bad news.
Unfortunately, this is our last episode.
First, I was sad, but I believe that
everything happens for a reason,
and if this is what the Good Lord wishes,
well, then surely he must have something greater
in mind for me and for us all.
Pledge your soul to the book!
What is that thing?
- Huh? - Keep away from me!
No!
What is happening?
A-ha. Pretty soul.
I'll cut it out of you.
Huh?
I don't know who you are, sir, but if you're not gonna behave,
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Pledge to us!
Huh?
George!
- You all right, George? - Just get it off of me!
Both leave me here and just save yourselves.
Nobody's leaving you here, George.
- Oh, God. - Come here.
All right, what's the quickest way out?
'Cause we have to let the others know!
Through the Magical Library.
Okay, we need to get to a phone.
Yes, come on, this way.
Come on, George!
Merciless!
You worthless piece of shit.
- I'm not worthless, Daddy. - Yes, you are.
Your mother and I will be very disappointed
if you're not gonna show tonight.
Chicago's going to be watching.
This will be our ticket out of here,
unless you fuck it up, which you probably will,
you ugly little bitch!
No, I won't mess up, Daddy, I promise.
Nothing will stop me from making you proud. Nothing!
Fuck off, Greg! I'm not taping anymore!
I have to focus before the show! Go away!
Are you deaf? I said, go away!
What the fuck is your problem?
Pledge your soul to the book!
_
Oh, Jesus, it's a goddamn massacre.
Look. Cameras are still recording.
George, check the footage.
Maybe we can find out what happened.
Leave it to me.
Oh, my God.
Did that thing do all of this by itself?
John?
Oh, dear God, no.
John.
Nothing will stop me, Daddy.
Nothing!
Find anything?
Well, a few dead friends.
And a jar of old silver dollars.
I'll buy you a pop if we survive.
Hey, guys? Hey, guys, found something.
I'll pipe it to the floor monitors.
What do you think, Camaro or hot tub?
- Hot tub. - Yes!
Look at these ink renderings.
Hold on, hold on, I went too far.
The power of the dead lay within these very pages.
Listen to these wretched incantations.
Shut it off, George!
Just shut it off now!
- What's wrong? - He said powers of the dead
lay within the pages of the book.
Listening to wretched incantations
is not gonna improve our situation here!
Book started all of this.
Maybe there's a spell or whatever that can stop it?
Well, that stands to reason, if we can find it.
It's gotta be around here somewhere, but where?
Pledge to the book!
That answers that question.
Shit! Think, George, think!
You will die!
All will be as to the book
and die!
- The book! - George!
George!
- Oh, quick thinking, George! - There.
- He took the Necronomicon. - The what-icon?
The creepy old book.
And be sure to stick around for
a very special live episode of
"Mrs. Bookberry's Magical Library,"
coming up next only on WQPS Channel 13.
That video feed is from the Chicago affiliate.
They switch over to "Bookberry" at 6 o'clock.
That's, like... now.
Welcome to my library, children.
Henrietta and I have a very special book
to read to you tonight.
And you fuckers are gonna love it!
I'm so fired.
If she reads that on live television...
She won't.
Listen, my children,
and pledge your souls to the book.
Who dare interrupts the dark text?
I'm responsible for the program quality
of Channel 13, and this show...
does not meet WQPS standards.
And what are you gonna do about it?
We're gonna beat the devil outta you.
Groovy.
Claudia, get the book!
Uh, Ted? Are you okay?
I think I'll get the Camaro.
We want your soul!
The children must hear the words!
The book hungers for young souls!
Hell no! I'm cutting your budget!
- I'm cutting your budget! - Hey, kids!
What are you watching in there?
Do your part! Pledge to the book!
What's amazing find you are!
Let's open you up and see what's inside you!
Norm, get the goddamn puppet!
No, let go of me! Norm, get the puppet!
Pledge to the book!
Pledge to the book! Pledge to the book!
I don't think so!
Not today!
No!
The book, Norm, the book!
Norm, you've gotta lock the book!
We'll go back in with our fan brush and
- _ - tap away at the sap green,
and then give our happy little trees some friends.
Just a nice little community of trees.
- Just got off the phone with Chicago. - Mm-hmm.
They want "Love of Painting" to go national.
You're kidding?
Mrs. Bookberry was decapitated on live TV.
Everyone thinks it was a publicity stunt.
They don't care. We got lucky.
"Maybe it is karma."
Shut up.
Trees are like people. They need friends.
Hope you all make some good friends today.
From all of us here, happy painting, and God bless.
Kanda estrata...
_
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com