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It's "Mayor Chat"

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with your hosts, Chet Danville

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and Grover Sepulveda.

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It's 4:00 a.m., Monday morning.

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I'm Chet Danville.

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Grover Sepulveda died in 2003.

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Joining us today to talk about his push

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for dedicated bus lanes,

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the 43rd mayor of L.A.,
the Honorable Neil Bremer.

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Thanks, Chet. Why is this live?

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Also joining us
is the 42nd mayor of L.A.,

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Victor Delgado.

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My God. I didn't recognize you.

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I... I thought you were
an animal expert or something.

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No, more like Princess
is an expert on me.

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So what have you been doing
since you left office, Vic?

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Self-care, Chet. I've been meditating.

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I took a Zoom break,
so I wanted to come on

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and let all my fellow Angelenos know

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that Victor Delgado is...

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almost back to normal.

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Oh, that's so good to hear.

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You served during such a difficult time.

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Oh, did I?

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Thanks, 'cause I forgot

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about when that lady
in Playa del Rey shot me

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with a BB gun for handing out masks.

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The last time I was on this show,

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I was begging people
not to drink bleach!

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Or do drink it, but in moderation.

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I know it's a tough job, but...

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Do you? What have you done?

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A straw ban and some scooter helmets?

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And eventually, a bus lane.

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And that's cool!

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Rock bands ride in buses.

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Uh-huh, and how are you
gonna pay for that?

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The city's broke.

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Chet, I-I think your viewers...

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Viewer, singular. Helen got Netflix.

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Uh, my point is that

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the bus lane will get paid for.

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If anyone knows how to work
a budget, it is me, Neil...

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It's now 4:02 and that means
we're out of time.

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Thanks for watching, Steve.
Up next, static.

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-- Subs by kinglouisxx --
for www.addic7ed.com

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Hey.

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What are you doing here?

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- School's closed.
- Closed? For what?

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There was an accident.

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Did you not see
the official school TikTok?

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Some palm tree branches fell
and knocked a girl unconscious.

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? Down south, hood baby ?

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? Hood baby make
all the girls go crazy ?

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? Go, go, go ?

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This is how they disseminate
important information?

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L.A. is a damn hellscape,

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and I am not to blame.

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What... see, those palm trees
need to be maintained.

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What is her plan to rectify this?

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- That's what I wanna know.
- Um, let me see.

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These palm trees are on city property.

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So to everyone attacking me,

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um, let's think.

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Whose responsibility is this, really?

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Uh... oh.

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If only someone
from the Gregory community

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worked for the city.

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Is she talking about me?

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Oh, sarcasm.

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What the ancient Greeks called

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"dígma orgizménu adrós estí,"

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the bite of the sassy man.

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Give me a break, L.A.

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Hey, Tommy, how much do we spend

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to take care of the city's palm trees?

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Oh, uh...

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$50 million a year, sir.

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50? Do you have any idea

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how many miles of bus lane
I could buy with that?

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A bunch, I'll bet.

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Sir, I have been trying
to call attention

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to this topic for years!

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Palm trees are not even
supposed to be here.

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Most of them were planted

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for the 1932 Olympics to trick people

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into thinking L.A. wasn't
a waterless scorpion graveyard.

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So palm trees are expensive, dangerous,

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and they shouldn't be here
in the first place.

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Like an NFL franchise, sir.

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They get tax breaks
to build a $5 billion stadium,

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but we can't afford housing
for the homeless?

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Wait.

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What was I furious about before?

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- Eh, it was good.
- Palm trees, Arpi.

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Yes! Here's what we do.

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Hire the homeless
to cut down all the palm trees

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and dump them in the stadium.

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We're not chopping them down,

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but the city should be able
to share the cost.

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Wow. Bold stand, sir.

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I'm being sarcastic,

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but not when I said I'm being sarcastic.

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- That was dead serious.
- All right.

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Good morning.

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New agenda item... palm trees.

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Can we replace them all
with signs that say

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- "we are the virus"?
- Okay.

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First on the agenda,

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someone wrote "Jayden's
big announcement" on here.

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I'm gonna be a father!

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Oh, you mean like a Catholic priest?

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- Oh, that makes sense.
- Oh, now I get it.

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- Celibacy.
- No!

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I mean a daddy of a baby!

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Oh.

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Wow. Uh...

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who's the lucky... well, the lady?

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We met at L.A. Comic-Con.

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She was working the DC booth
dressed as Talia al Ghul.

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I was in my Aquaman costume,

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so the allure of the forbidden
was in the air.

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Well, uh, Jayden,
this is wonderful news.

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I'm sure that... Samanthee?

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Samanthee will make a terrific mom.

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Yeah! Totally!

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She already has all her makeup
tattooed on

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so she won't have to waste
any mommy time on that.

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Also,

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you're all invited to the
baby shower this afternoon.

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I don't wanna impose a gender,
so the cake will be gray.

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Okay, moving on. Item two,

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"everyone hugs Jayden"?

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- Absolutely not.
- No, we're not doing that.

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You always leave a stain on my shirt.

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There's only one thing I like
less than workplace hugs,

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and that's not following the agenda.

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? Renegade, renegade, renegade ?

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? Let's go ?

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? Go, go, go, go, go ?

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? Ooh, go, go, go ?

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? Yeah, go, go, go ?

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L.A. is a damn hellscape,

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and I am not to blame.

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Are you sure people
are gonna understand that?

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There's a lot going on.

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Well, it is trending
under "dad bod fail."

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Sir, Victoria Santos from the
Chamber of Commerce is calling.

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Ah, thank you. I should take this.

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Ms. Santos.

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Mr. Mayor, if you're
gonna screw me like this,

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at least buy me dinner first.

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Then, get my husband out of the house

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and put on a movie for my kids,

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one they can all agree on,

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so good luck with that.

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Vicki, if this is about the TikTok,

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I hate it too, but we do
have a problem here.

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Yeah, you're trying
to take away our palm trees.

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No, no, no one's trying to take away...

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Palm trees symbolize this city!

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We have countless local businesses

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with "palm" in their names.

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Look, those trees are a menace,

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but I have to pay $50 million
a year to keep them here.

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So if your buddies want them,

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they gotta pay to maintain them.

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They'll never go for that.

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Bring them in. Bring them all in.

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- Let's have a meeting.
- Your funeral.

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We'll be at the 18th hole
of the Brentwood Country Club.

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They're gonna use my ashes
to make a golf ball,

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and Phil Mickelson's
gonna hit a drive at sunset.

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This will be nothing like that.

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Sir, somebody changed the password

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to the city's TikTok account.

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Where are you getting the costumes?

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Okay, there's no way that guy's

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actually gonna be a father.

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Wait, do you not believe
Samanthee, a fellow woman?

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- Oh.
- Hey.

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Do one of you guys have,
like, a coat hanger?

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Or hands?

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So, Jayden, have you and Samanthee

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discussed the, um, legalities
of your situation?

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Oh, well, I offered to marry her,

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obviously, but she didn't wanna...

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? Put a ring on it ?

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That is not how that song goes.

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What song? Anyway,

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I'm fine with whatever she wants.

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I'm just so psyched to be a dad,

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you know, like my hero, my dad.

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But there are some real things

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that you guys need to work out.

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Like what about visitation?

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Or, um, grandparents' rights
to see the kid?

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Oh, my grandparents are
either all dead or estranged.

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No, he means your parents.

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My parents can see me
whenever they want,

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- just not together.
- Oh, boy.

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Um, Jayden, you need to get a lawyer.

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Okay, well, you're a lawyer, right?

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- Well, I...
- Yes!

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Tommy would be happy to help

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because maybe Samanthee could come by

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and we could meet Samanthee.

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Get a sense of her deal,

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maybe play two truths and a lie.

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Yes, that is a very good idea.

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Game night! I'll text Samanthee

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and see if she can get time off
from the hospital tonight.

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She gives blood, like, every day.

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Following up on the palm trees, sir.

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I found a guy who's willing to
donate axes to the homeless.

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And I've got the perfect native
replacement flora, milkweed!

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Boy, oh, boy, do wasps love it.

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Hey,

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let me ask you a question.

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How do I not invite somebody
to something

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without them finding out?

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You don't. You have to invite everyone.

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We do tons of workshops
in school about this.

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School is teaching you that?

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Exclusion is a form
of relational aggression.

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Oh, come on.

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A little exclusion builds character.

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I assume you're trying
to exclude Jayden,

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but it's not his fault.
Most TikToks are bad.

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It doesn't matter who the person is.

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I just need this meeting to go well.

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Dad, exclusion always backfires.

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Do you remember what happened
in seventh grade

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when Olivia P. didn't invite
Olivia S. to a bowling party?

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There are too many Olivias
to keep track of.

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We were at SkyBowl, just
talking and having a good time,

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but Olivia P. was mad because none of us

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were taking the bowling seriously.

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Yep, I'm following this.

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Then, Olivia S.
showed up with her parents

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in the next lane,
and she went totally psycho.

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Got it. Psycho.

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She started screaming that
she was gonna tell Ms. Adams,

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so Olivia P. panicked and was like,

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"No, this isn't my birthday party.

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We're on a bowling team."

247
00:09:06,737 --> 00:09:09,073
So we had to pretend to be
the middle school bowling team

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and bowl so much.

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And they never brought the cake out,

250
00:09:12,376 --> 00:09:15,447
and they sent us the gift bags
in the mail, and by that time,

251
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:17,582
- the gerbils were dead.
- Ooh!

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It's like Ms. Adams always raps,

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"Ditch the 'tude. Don't exclude."

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Oh, boy.

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Ms. Adams should not be rapping, right?

256
00:09:26,057 --> 00:09:27,625
No, it's really bad.

257
00:09:27,658 --> 00:09:29,128
Yeah, even I know that.

258
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,329
Book a room at the Y.
I'll do an ax seminar

259
00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:32,730
for the homeless. Then,

260
00:09:32,764 --> 00:09:35,433
we seize the Ram's stadium
by eminent domain,

261
00:09:35,466 --> 00:09:36,769
fill it with dead palm trees,

262
00:09:36,802 --> 00:09:38,776
then sell the mulch.

263
00:09:39,578 --> 00:09:40,908
Yes!

264
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:47,785
This building's tall, like Vegas!

265
00:09:47,848 --> 00:09:50,250
Sure. Um, so we just have

266
00:09:50,275 --> 00:09:52,516
some standard documents to go over.

267
00:09:52,541 --> 00:09:54,578
But first of all, congratulations.

268
00:09:54,603 --> 00:09:55,752
I know, right?

269
00:09:55,777 --> 00:09:58,348
The timing on this baby thing
is, like, perfect.

270
00:09:58,373 --> 00:10:00,550
Oh, the timing is?

271
00:10:00,575 --> 00:10:02,444
I just found out
you have to have a license

272
00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:04,646
to make CBD dog food out of your home,

273
00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:06,149
but you don't need a license

274
00:10:06,182 --> 00:10:09,385
for cute internet kid videos. Ah!

275
00:10:09,418 --> 00:10:11,721
Plus, if I have it at a theme park,

276
00:10:11,754 --> 00:10:14,038
lawsuit.

277
00:10:14,063 --> 00:10:15,900
And just to cross all of our Ts here,

278
00:10:15,925 --> 00:10:18,320
you and Mr. Kwapis have
confirmed his paternity?

279
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,763
No, a woman knows. Right, Mystique?

280
00:10:20,795 --> 00:10:23,065
- Oh, it's Mikaela, actually.
- Mikaela?

281
00:10:23,098 --> 00:10:24,599
I don't know. You look like a Mystique.

282
00:10:24,632 --> 00:10:27,469
Anyway, I know it's not
any of those other guys.

283
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,304
Oh, no, coffee.

284
00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:32,140
Here it comes. Look out, accident!

285
00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:35,980
Oh, no, the paperwork.
We have to redo it.

286
00:10:36,039 --> 00:10:37,540
Not the paperwork.

287
00:10:37,574 --> 00:10:40,511
Will you come back
when we redo the paperwork?

288
00:10:40,544 --> 00:10:42,545
Sure. I'll just go lay out.

289
00:10:42,578 --> 00:10:44,448
I'm tanning for two.

290
00:10:44,481 --> 00:10:47,451
Mm!

291
00:10:47,483 --> 00:10:48,985
Jayden.

292
00:10:49,019 --> 00:10:50,587
I'm so sorry about the papers, guys.

293
00:10:50,620 --> 00:10:52,723
- I didn't mean to.
- You didn't?

294
00:10:52,756 --> 00:10:55,025
You naturally said, "Oh, no, coffee.

295
00:10:55,058 --> 00:10:56,626
Here it comes. Look out, accident"?

296
00:10:56,660 --> 00:10:57,962
Yeah, why?

297
00:10:57,995 --> 00:10:59,363
But you heard what she said about

298
00:10:59,396 --> 00:11:01,732
- being with other guys, right?
- So?

299
00:11:01,765 --> 00:11:03,300
I mean, it's not like we're exclusive.

300
00:11:03,333 --> 00:11:05,368
You guys remember Emily
from the Dodgers?

301
00:11:05,401 --> 00:11:08,037
I'm not one to kiss and tell,
but we hugged.

302
00:11:08,070 --> 00:11:09,639
If this was a TV show,

303
00:11:09,673 --> 00:11:11,041
it'd be called "The Romances of Jayden."

304
00:11:11,074 --> 00:11:12,977
Okay, but you have no proof

305
00:11:13,010 --> 00:11:14,645
that you're the biological father.

306
00:11:14,678 --> 00:11:17,314
Then out of all those guys,
why did she say I was?

307
00:11:17,347 --> 00:11:18,982
Because you're... how do I put this?

308
00:11:19,016 --> 00:11:20,384
Extremely gullible.

309
00:11:20,416 --> 00:11:22,151
The other day, I heard you give out

310
00:11:22,184 --> 00:11:23,753
your social security number
on the phone.

311
00:11:23,786 --> 00:11:26,990
The man said I was nominated
for a Social Security Award.

312
00:11:27,024 --> 00:11:29,159
We're just saying that
Samanthee is shady.

313
00:11:29,192 --> 00:11:31,662
We're only looking out for you.

314
00:11:31,694 --> 00:11:34,430
No, I see what this is.

315
00:11:34,463 --> 00:11:35,766
Jayden is having a baby,

316
00:11:35,799 --> 00:11:37,634
and all you two have is college debt

317
00:11:37,666 --> 00:11:39,268
and rejection emails from Raya.

318
00:11:39,301 --> 00:11:40,670
I filled out the form wrong, okay?

319
00:11:40,703 --> 00:11:41,755
It's being rectified.

320
00:11:41,780 --> 00:11:43,506
It's like how you're jealous
of your sister's baby,

321
00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:46,276
and how mad you get every time
you see Neil Patrick Harris'

322
00:11:46,301 --> 00:11:47,503
"Architectural Digest" cover.

323
00:11:47,544 --> 00:11:49,112
I'm not jealous,
I just hate what they did

324
00:11:49,146 --> 00:11:50,347
with the charades room.

325
00:11:50,380 --> 00:11:53,283
Looking out for me? As if.

326
00:11:53,315 --> 00:11:55,285
You know, you guys are
uninvited to the baby shower.

327
00:11:55,318 --> 00:11:58,155
And when I do the balloon
release, do not look at them.

328
00:11:58,188 --> 00:12:01,290
They are not for you.

329
00:12:01,324 --> 00:12:02,793
Okay.

330
00:12:02,825 --> 00:12:05,295
Thank you all for coming in
to meet with me.

331
00:12:05,328 --> 00:12:08,699
I know together we can
find a reasonable so...

332
00:12:08,732 --> 00:12:12,569
Yeah, don't bother with this
let's share the cost nonsense.

333
00:12:12,602 --> 00:12:16,340
That idea is a big old penguin,
'cause it ain't gonna fly.

334
00:12:16,372 --> 00:12:19,542
Hey look, I get it, I get it.
You guys need palm trees.

335
00:12:19,575 --> 00:12:21,744
Whether it's because you own a business

336
00:12:21,777 --> 00:12:25,214
with "palm" in the name or
you run an outdoor boot camp.

337
00:12:25,247 --> 00:12:26,583
What are my hot gays supposed to climb?

338
00:12:26,616 --> 00:12:28,718
Or you're a Hollywood locations manager.

339
00:12:28,751 --> 00:12:30,721
We're gonna have to shoot
the "La La Land" sequel

340
00:12:30,753 --> 00:12:32,622
in Tampa. Tampa!

341
00:12:32,655 --> 00:12:35,726
And obviously, you need
palm fronds for Sukkot.

342
00:12:35,758 --> 00:12:38,061
So what kind of business
do you run, sir?

343
00:12:38,094 --> 00:12:39,595
- A dry cleaners.
- Great.

344
00:12:39,628 --> 00:12:41,564
So annually, how much do you...

345
00:12:41,598 --> 00:12:43,766
But that's not why I'm here.

346
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:46,203
Using codes on license plates,

347
00:12:46,236 --> 00:12:49,473
aliens taught us how to
impregnate palm trees

348
00:12:49,506 --> 00:12:51,475
and create a super race.

349
00:12:51,507 --> 00:12:54,210
Oh, my God, this city.

350
00:12:54,243 --> 00:12:56,512
- This is my son...
- What...

351
00:12:56,545 --> 00:12:58,081
And we're very litigious.

352
00:12:58,115 --> 00:13:01,218
Mr. Mayor, you're gonna
destroy Los Angeles.

353
00:13:01,251 --> 00:13:04,088
And the universe.

354
00:13:04,121 --> 00:13:07,223
I'm just asking you to...
take that off my table.

355
00:13:07,256 --> 00:13:09,226
I'm just asking you to consider.

356
00:13:09,258 --> 00:13:10,716
- That's all I'm asking from you.
- Uh-uh.

357
00:13:10,741 --> 00:13:14,164
We are not playing
your little game, it's insane.

358
00:13:14,197 --> 00:13:18,802
And frankly,
you're being a total psycho.

359
00:13:18,834 --> 00:13:21,637
- I'm a psycho?
- Mm.

360
00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:24,708
- Huh.
- Hella psycho.

361
00:13:24,741 --> 00:13:27,178
What? I'm an L.A. rabbi.

362
00:13:28,377 --> 00:13:30,280
Dad, do you have the Postmates password?

363
00:13:30,313 --> 00:13:34,151
The food here is, like, subhuman.

364
00:13:34,184 --> 00:13:36,653
Sorry this meeting's taking so long.

365
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:37,854
It's a disaster.

366
00:13:37,887 --> 00:13:39,857
I'm so glad I didn't invite Arpi.

367
00:13:39,890 --> 00:13:41,859
Wait, Arpi is the one you didn't invite?

368
00:13:41,891 --> 00:13:43,260
Hey, do me a favor.

369
00:13:43,293 --> 00:13:45,229
Take my phone, order whatever you want.

370
00:13:45,261 --> 00:13:48,232
We're downtown, so it's mostly
bulk meat, but it's good.

371
00:13:48,265 --> 00:13:50,266
Dad, palm trees are, like, Arpi's thing.

372
00:13:50,300 --> 00:13:53,603
She had a whole binder.
It had color-coded tabs.

373
00:13:53,636 --> 00:13:55,405
Sweetie, I know you think

374
00:13:55,438 --> 00:13:58,175
this is toxic Boomer-linity or whatever.

375
00:13:58,208 --> 00:14:00,577
But do not say anything to Arpi, okay?

376
00:14:00,609 --> 00:14:02,445
I gotta go.

377
00:14:08,418 --> 00:14:10,554
Mikaela, are we jealous?

378
00:14:10,587 --> 00:14:12,890
Of my sister's baby?
No, we're both cute.

379
00:14:12,923 --> 00:14:15,559
It's not a competition unless
she makes it a competition.

380
00:14:15,592 --> 00:14:17,593
No, of Jayden.

381
00:14:17,626 --> 00:14:19,295
Was he right?

382
00:14:19,328 --> 00:14:20,497
I mean, I don't want kids per se,

383
00:14:20,530 --> 00:14:22,432
but I always thought that
by now I'd at least have, like,

384
00:14:22,464 --> 00:14:24,401
a French bulldog and an at-risk teen

385
00:14:24,434 --> 00:14:25,868
- I keep forgetting to mentor.
- Yeah.

386
00:14:25,901 --> 00:14:27,403
Jayden is supposed to be here

387
00:14:27,436 --> 00:14:28,838
to make me feel better about myself.

388
00:14:28,872 --> 00:14:30,073
Now he's got a kid,

389
00:14:30,107 --> 00:14:32,708
and he gets his hair to curl
like that without any product?

390
00:14:32,742 --> 00:14:35,444
You know, we said we were
just looking out for him,

391
00:14:35,477 --> 00:14:38,314
but if that were really true,
would we have stopped

392
00:14:38,348 --> 00:14:40,217
looking out just 'cause
he got mad at us?

393
00:14:42,352 --> 00:14:43,920
When was L.A. Comic-Con?

394
00:14:43,953 --> 00:14:45,354
Why would I know?

395
00:14:45,387 --> 00:14:48,324
'Cause Chris Pine is sometimes there.

396
00:14:48,357 --> 00:14:50,626
- Deputy Mayor Meskimen.
- Orly.

397
00:14:50,660 --> 00:14:52,828
Tell your old man I'm almost done here.

398
00:14:52,862 --> 00:14:54,331
He asked me to find every mention

399
00:14:54,363 --> 00:14:56,232
of the word "tree" in the city charter.

400
00:14:56,266 --> 00:14:59,203
I found two, one of which
was a typo for "three."

401
00:14:59,236 --> 00:15:01,338
You were Olivia S. at the bowling party.

402
00:15:01,371 --> 00:15:05,309
Is that a Netflix show
about sexy teen suicide or...

403
00:15:05,342 --> 00:15:06,742
My dad is trying to distract you

404
00:15:06,776 --> 00:15:08,578
so that you don't go
to his palm tree meeting.

405
00:15:08,612 --> 00:15:10,546
It's happening right now.

406
00:15:10,579 --> 00:15:11,881
Relational aggression.

407
00:15:14,516 --> 00:15:16,719
Orly, thank you for having my back.

408
00:15:16,752 --> 00:15:18,854
The future is female.

409
00:15:18,887 --> 00:15:21,324
Actually, gender is a construct,

410
00:15:21,357 --> 00:15:23,459
but I'm still rooting for you.

411
00:15:23,492 --> 00:15:25,795
Look, palm fronds don't kill people.

412
00:15:25,828 --> 00:15:27,731
Gravity kills people.

413
00:15:27,764 --> 00:15:29,866
Only if you let it, human.

414
00:15:29,899 --> 00:15:32,302
- Free your mind.
- Okay.

415
00:15:32,334 --> 00:15:33,737
Mr. Mayor, without the palm trees...

416
00:15:33,770 --> 00:15:35,005
In the pandemic...

417
00:15:36,272 --> 00:15:38,841
We're off track here.

418
00:15:38,875 --> 00:15:42,479
All right, I'm gonna need you
all to do two types of ups:

419
00:15:42,511 --> 00:15:43,613
shut and listen.

420
00:15:43,646 --> 00:15:45,381
Arpi, please, please calm down.

421
00:15:45,415 --> 00:15:46,683
Oh, it's too late for that, sir.

422
00:15:46,716 --> 00:15:48,352
If you wanted calm Arpi,

423
00:15:48,385 --> 00:15:49,852
you should have invited her
to the meeting.

424
00:15:49,886 --> 00:15:52,021
Now you get fired-up,

425
00:15:52,054 --> 00:15:56,260
ineptly swearing Arpi, you bitch craps.

426
00:15:56,293 --> 00:15:57,928
- If I may...
- You mayn't.

427
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,563
This excessive concern

428
00:16:00,597 --> 00:16:03,634
with palm trees that you have
is a sickness.

429
00:16:03,666 --> 00:16:06,035
They are not even endemic
to Los Angeles.

430
00:16:06,069 --> 00:16:07,637
Nothing is.

431
00:16:07,670 --> 00:16:09,405
Not grass, not water,

432
00:16:09,439 --> 00:16:12,409
and don't get me started on people.

433
00:16:12,442 --> 00:16:14,311
You think human beings
shouldn't be here?

434
00:16:14,343 --> 00:16:15,911
You know what the native
tribes call this region?

435
00:16:15,944 --> 00:16:18,015
Nothing! Because they knew better

436
00:16:18,048 --> 00:16:19,683
than to try to live here.

437
00:16:19,716 --> 00:16:23,420
I say we return L.A.
to its vacant desert state,

438
00:16:23,453 --> 00:16:24,821
and give it back to the mini wolves.

439
00:16:24,853 --> 00:16:25,988
Howl if you're with me.

440
00:16:39,272 --> 00:16:41,602
Hey, I said you're not invited, okay?

441
00:16:41,627 --> 00:16:43,676
So have a slice of cake,
decorate a onesie,

442
00:16:43,709 --> 00:16:45,512
- hug me, and then go.
- It's okay.

443
00:16:45,545 --> 00:16:47,680
We're just here to drop off
the new paperwork.

444
00:16:50,183 --> 00:16:51,934
- Where did you get that from?
- We took it off your desk

445
00:16:51,959 --> 00:16:53,594
during the half hour
you were in the bathroom.

446
00:16:53,619 --> 00:16:55,699
Because I have problems urinating.

447
00:16:55,778 --> 00:16:58,410
It shows a fetal development
of eight weeks, tops.

448
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:01,585
But L.A. Comic-Con was three months ago,

449
00:17:01,609 --> 00:17:05,713
over a month before that was made.

450
00:17:05,754 --> 00:17:09,325
But that's impossible because of time.

451
00:17:09,359 --> 00:17:12,362
But when I was at Comic-Con,
I got my picture taken

452
00:17:12,394 --> 00:17:13,864
inside the "Back to the Future"
DeLorean.

453
00:17:13,896 --> 00:17:15,398
- So maybe...
- Oh, my God!

454
00:17:15,431 --> 00:17:17,800
Just forget it.

455
00:17:17,834 --> 00:17:20,003
You're not the father, okay?

456
00:17:20,036 --> 00:17:22,572
What? No!

457
00:17:22,604 --> 00:17:24,074
No, my proposal is off the table.

458
00:17:24,106 --> 00:17:26,843
It is off the table,
and it is on the floor.

459
00:17:26,875 --> 00:17:29,946
There's no five-second rule,
the cat's got it!

460
00:17:32,582 --> 00:17:34,584
Thanks a lot.

461
00:17:34,616 --> 00:17:35,818
Now I have to track down the real dad,

462
00:17:35,852 --> 00:17:37,954
Zac Efron's trainer.

463
00:17:37,987 --> 00:17:41,792
- That guy must be hot.
- And outstanding at his job.

464
00:17:41,825 --> 00:17:44,027
Why wouldn't you just go
to him in the first place?

465
00:17:44,059 --> 00:17:47,830
Because Jayden would actually
be, like, nice to the kid,

466
00:17:47,864 --> 00:17:50,566
teach it stuff, give it a better name,

467
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:52,536
than whatever I'll come up with.

468
00:17:52,568 --> 00:17:54,837
I'm thinking "Vape"
spelled with a dollar sign?

469
00:17:54,871 --> 00:17:56,506
Where would it go?

470
00:17:56,538 --> 00:17:59,875
After, in parentheses. Ugh!

471
00:17:59,909 --> 00:18:02,979
Ideally, the San Andreas Fault snaps

472
00:18:03,011 --> 00:18:05,081
and just catapults everything
south of Hollister

473
00:18:05,114 --> 00:18:07,049
into the ocean, and we start over.

474
00:18:07,083 --> 00:18:08,951
Look, look, you can leave
if you want to,

475
00:18:08,985 --> 00:18:10,954
but we still have to
figure this out, hmm?

476
00:18:10,987 --> 00:18:12,689
I want a one-on-one tomorrow.

477
00:18:12,721 --> 00:18:15,124
Oh, yeah, I'm not available tomorrow.

478
00:18:15,158 --> 00:18:16,159
But I'm free,

479
00:18:16,192 --> 00:18:18,961
as free as every prisoner
in America should be,

480
00:18:18,995 --> 00:18:21,798
and I take prescription
lozenges so I can just talk.

481
00:18:21,831 --> 00:18:24,501
Okay, Arpi, you got what you want.

482
00:18:24,534 --> 00:18:25,669
This show is yours.

483
00:18:25,701 --> 00:18:27,903
How's 4:00 a.m. for you folks tomorrow?

484
00:18:27,937 --> 00:18:30,873
I think someone mentioned half earlier?

485
00:18:30,906 --> 00:18:33,442
Us paying half. Could we just do that?

486
00:18:33,476 --> 00:18:35,845
Oh, yeah, but you had
turned down my offer.

487
00:18:35,879 --> 00:18:38,715
60%, we'll pay 60.

488
00:18:38,748 --> 00:18:41,652
Let's just stop talking about it, okay?

489
00:18:43,819 --> 00:18:45,654
That worked out swell, didn't it?

490
00:18:45,688 --> 00:18:49,860
We just saved the city $30 million.

491
00:18:49,892 --> 00:18:52,629
Bus lane. Here come the buses.

492
00:18:52,662 --> 00:18:56,065
Oh, I'm good.

493
00:18:56,098 --> 00:18:57,166
You used me.

494
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,568
You made me a non-consensual bad cop

495
00:18:59,602 --> 00:19:01,104
to get your filthy compromise.

496
00:19:01,136 --> 00:19:04,540
I didn't use you, Arpi. I would never...

497
00:19:04,574 --> 00:19:06,942
oh, for... Okay, all right.

498
00:19:06,976 --> 00:19:10,080
Maybe I lightly utilized you.

499
00:19:10,113 --> 00:19:11,414
I didn't plan it,

500
00:19:11,448 --> 00:19:13,049
but they wouldn't come to their senses,

501
00:19:13,082 --> 00:19:15,786
so yeah, yeah, I had a little helper,

502
00:19:15,818 --> 00:19:19,155
trick my bad cop into
interrupting the meeting.

503
00:19:19,189 --> 00:19:21,690
Wait, what?

504
00:19:21,723 --> 00:19:24,660
Right, you're here. I love you.

505
00:19:24,693 --> 00:19:26,696
You wanted her to.

506
00:19:28,064 --> 00:19:29,633
You used me!

507
00:19:29,665 --> 00:19:31,801
Okay, okay, whoa, whoa,
whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.

508
00:19:31,835 --> 00:19:33,670
Okay.

509
00:19:33,702 --> 00:19:35,137
So you didn't learn anything from me?

510
00:19:35,171 --> 00:19:36,840
Oh, but I did.

511
00:19:36,873 --> 00:19:38,808
Remember your birthday party story?

512
00:19:38,842 --> 00:19:41,912
Olivia P. got exactly what she wanted.

513
00:19:41,944 --> 00:19:44,513
Everyone agreed to hunker down
and bowl because

514
00:19:44,546 --> 00:19:47,950
Olivia S. was screaming like a lunatic.

515
00:19:47,983 --> 00:19:51,086
Arpi, in this metaphor, bowling...

516
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:54,091
- Yeah, we get it.
- We are not idiots, sir.

517
00:19:56,258 --> 00:20:00,095
Yeah, I don't like the two
of you on the same side.

518
00:20:00,129 --> 00:20:02,132
- Get him.
- No, not my face.

519
00:20:06,835 --> 00:20:09,940
Hey, mind if we sit down?

520
00:20:09,972 --> 00:20:13,676
I don't know, can you?

521
00:20:13,710 --> 00:20:15,111
Listen, Jayden,

522
00:20:15,143 --> 00:20:17,146
what we said before about Samanthee...

523
00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:19,483
Yeah, we thought she looked
at you and saw

524
00:20:19,516 --> 00:20:21,718
someone who'd believe
whatever she told him.

525
00:20:21,750 --> 00:20:23,018
Oh, really?

526
00:20:23,052 --> 00:20:24,254
Well, but I didn't believe her
when she said

527
00:20:24,287 --> 00:20:25,394
I look like Josh Gad.

528
00:20:25,419 --> 00:20:27,659
I knew that was just pillow talk.

529
00:20:27,723 --> 00:20:30,759
The point is, we were wrong.

530
00:20:30,793 --> 00:20:33,096
She chose you because she knew that

531
00:20:33,129 --> 00:20:35,799
out of all the guys
who could be the father,

532
00:20:35,832 --> 00:20:37,834
she knew you'd be the best father.

533
00:20:37,866 --> 00:20:40,636
And you will be someday.

534
00:20:40,670 --> 00:20:43,873
Oh, wow.

535
00:20:43,906 --> 00:20:46,208
Thank you.

536
00:20:46,241 --> 00:20:49,278
Until then, I have my work
family, where I'm the baby.

537
00:20:49,312 --> 00:20:50,981
No, Jayden, we're not doing that.

538
00:20:51,014 --> 00:20:52,422
But I'm thirsty.

539
00:20:52,447 --> 00:20:54,385
- I want juice.
- Absolutely not.

540
00:20:54,410 --> 00:20:56,686
It's just easier if we get
him juice, Mikaela.

541
00:20:56,719 --> 00:20:58,087
? I'm just a loser ?

542
00:20:58,121 --> 00:21:00,023
? Shouldn't be with ya ?

543
00:21:00,056 --> 00:21:01,825
? Guess I'm a quitter ?

544
00:21:01,857 --> 00:21:03,993
? While you're out there drinking ?

545
00:21:04,027 --> 00:21:05,795
? I'm just here thinking ?

546
00:21:05,820 --> 00:21:08,097
? About where I should've been ?

547
00:21:08,131 --> 00:21:09,298
? I've been lonely ?

548
00:21:09,340 --> 00:21:10,611
? Mm, ah, yeah ?

549
00:21:10,636 --> 00:21:12,869
? La, la, la, la, whoo! ?

550
00:21:12,902 --> 00:21:14,304
I feel wonderful today.

551
00:21:14,342 --> 00:21:16,143
Look at my little outfit.

552
00:21:16,962 --> 00:21:18,797
I know I don't understand social media,

553
00:21:18,841 --> 00:21:21,331
but this seems bad, right?

554
00:21:21,356 --> 00:21:22,945
What? No.

555
00:21:22,979 --> 00:21:25,181
Oh, the comments.

556
00:21:25,213 --> 00:21:28,551
"Dr. Frankenstein and his monster"?

557
00:21:28,585 --> 00:21:30,252
Which one am I?

558
00:21:30,500 --> 00:21:33,000
CREDITS