Lights, on.
Oh...
Lights, off.
It won't be as much fun as when we made Charlotte.
You have your legs elevated like this
and you're gonna want your head to stay pointed upward,
rather than straight to the wall.
This is when I began stimulating myself
to send those signals to my body.
Do not bring yourself to orgasm, and stay away from the edge,
because that first orgasm is gonna produce the most contractions.
Oh, God!
Go away!
Why are you dressed like a prostitute?
I'm not! Just go to bed!
CREDITS
- I'm sorry for shouting. - I have school tomorrow.
It's hard enough without my mum
waking me up dressed like a porn star,
carrying your can of my dead dad's sperm.
Oh, lighten up.
Sorry, erm... I was just...
..trying to get in the mood.
Oh, it's all too weird.
I need to sleep.
I loved your gear last night.
Yeah...
It was the latest in a series of personal triumphs for me.
- Can I wear it? - No.
And in case you're wondering, I didn't...
..put it up me.
I've already got too much on my plate
and I don't know how to eat it...
..or talk.
Right, come on.
You need a...
..Before I Can Inseminate Myself to-do list.
Right, what do you need to do?
Get Harry back.
- Make money. - Good.
- How? - Go back to work.
Magic.
But that won't be enough.
I need to get it from the sale of the flats,
which we're being cheated of.
I need to build houses on Harry's land
so that we can buy this place back from our in-laws
and keep Harry buried here.
Stop George inheriting.
Save my parents' marriage.
Stop feeling so awful and useless.
Solid.
Win Minnie and Gerry over.
Make Charlotte happy.
Yeah, OK, stop now! I said a list,
not War And Peace.
- You feel better already? - Not really.
Well, maybe a little bit.
It's not about actually doing what's on the list,
it's about doing the list.
Do you know what I mean?
No, but... thank you.
Thank you.
'Hello!'
Oh, you worked out how to answer your phone.
'Yeah. Sorry, nobody my age actually does that any more.'
You have to come and sign those papers.
'Er, why?'
Because I have a to-do list and you're on it.
I've got to go.
'OK, bye.'
Yes!
We have planning permission.
'No?! Yes!'
But the environmental order has been lifted
and there's just, er, conditions.
"The development must include a general practice surgery"
"and at least 30% affordable housing."
'Harry would have wanted that anyway.
'So, the council took you seriously.
'Mm-mm, you're the new tough bitch in town!'
Let's see if I can keep that going.
'Good luck!'
- Oh, hello! - Hi, Patti. Is Tanvi in?
Coochie!
It's baking day. We're expressing ourselves with gluten.
Alice, I made it clear that I value my private life.
You've called unannounced at my home, I seem to remember.
OK. Come on, this way.
Well done.
So... you've sold Harry's flats.
We had an offer we couldn't refuse.
- How much for? - Just enough to break even,
to cover the bank's loans and mine to Harry.
- Come off it. - I showed you the paperwork.
You're an accountant, you can prove anything.
I thought you went way back with Harry, like family?
But you're not Harry, or my family.
My offer stands to buy the plot of land from you
without planning permission,
so you'll have enough money to save your home.
I'm going to persuade my in-laws not to sell.
For how long?
They'll have to, to pay the inheritance tax.
Escaped lunatics!
Planning's already been granted...
..Coochie.
I know you leant on the council
to get planning permission withdrawn.
Repeat that in public and I'll have to sue you.
And there's these conditions, affordable housing and so on,
it will make it very hard to turn a profit.
You need the help of an experienced developer, like me.
Why would I involve you?
I already feel like a conjoined twin stuck to an awkward goblin!
- Oh, exciting news. - Er, you aren't Harry's son?
Whoa! I've found an investor who's interested in your development,
loaded, great track record.
Just sign here and here.
- Will he meet? - Yeah, I'll set it up.
I need my own legal advice before I sign away any inheritance.
But you promised!
This is holding everything up. It's perfectly legal.
It'll all be fine, then, won't it?
- Don't you trust me? - Of course I don't!
Your own mother thinks you're shady. You record conversations.
- Are you recording this one? - No, no, I'm not, no.
No, my mum is the shady one.
She lied about my parentage for 28 years.
She was just trying to keep your family intact.
No, I've come round to her.
- Hey, drop-dead gorgeous. - Can we not say that?
- I'm sorry. - Hey, Auntie.
Oh, and can we not say that?
As it's you, call me...
No. That's too dirty.
Oh, I've laminated your list. And Ed will be here soon
to try and get Harry's photos back on the computer.
- I'd rather he didn't, Nicola. - I can take a look.
I was like a...
..hacker.
- Oh, of course you were. - For good, not evil.
US military bases. I can't talk about it.
Yeah, what a shame.
- Er, yes, please. - That's a great idea.
Ed's shit at computers.
Dr Computer, at your service.
Er, no, we don't need you for that now, Ed.
Oh, thank Christ.
All fixed. The photos and vids were backed up in a subfolder.
Oh, that's fantastic! Thank you so much.
Hiya!
Oh...
Sorry.
- Graham? - Can we meet for tea?
- Tea? Erm, er... - Please.
- I really need to make it up to you. - Yeah, yeah.
- I have to go. - Surprise!
- Dad, what are you doing? - I've left your mother.
- What? - Yeah, you know, I've just moved out.
- What's happened? - Well, I'd just had enough, really.
- Where are you gonna stay? - I thought I'd come and stay here.
Dad, I don't think we've got the...
I just feel, as a man, it was the only option left to me.
No. You could kick Keith in the balls and whisk Mum off to Paris.
- She's fallen out with France. - All right, Dusseldorf.
- And Keith's actually a super bloke. - Who's Keith?
Well, he's been, erm...
..entertaining your grandma.
- He didn't fly in from Vegas. - I get it, Mum.
I'm just sad.
Since Dad died, everything's gone to crap.
It's reminded us that life is short and unfair.
Seize the day.
Caveat emptor.
No, no, no, that's, erm...
..buyer beware.
How long do you think you'll be staying?
I'm not really sure.
It'll be fun.
It's just that we've already got Nicola here.
And she might stay forever.
I'm going to open some wine.
So...
..do you know anything about internet dating?
Let's bunk off.
Have a day together.
Erm, no, I've got a big maths thing.
Oh, come on!
- Where shall we go? - Anywhere that's, well, cheap.
- What about the zoo? - Let's get a cat.
The house is full enough already.
Oh, let's do it.
I'll call school, tell them you're not well.
- I mean, you're not. - No.
You'd better go, I'll be late.
How can I help you?
You could...
..imagine how Dad would be behaving if you'd died.
That is so unfair.
He'd have understood that when you've been hit by a truck,
you don't stagger out into traffic,
flapping your arms around and dragging me with you!
What are you talking about?
You've behaved demented.
No, I have behaved like a...
..a stricken human being
while you have been a fucking zombie!
Yeah, a bit of dignity and calmness go a long way. I'm walking.
You...
Stop right there!
Now, if I have been flapping about,
it's because your dad left behind a shitload...
If you blame him, I swear, I will never speak to you again.
Oh, you are pretty free with your blame.
- Well, you're not dead! - Well, I might as well be!
There you go again. And you want a baby!
You can't look after yourself or me!
You, get in the car!
This... is me looking after you.
No more honest parenting.
No, I'm gonna build a wall
and I'm gonna hide behind it, like you.
Thank God you're here. Can we talk?
I'm looking after so many people, but nobody's looking after me.
How are the stiffs?
Oh, I'm sorry for your loss.
- Well, if they will creep around. - It's never your fault, is it?
I came here for solace, Herr Bereavement Counsellor,
not finger-wagging.
- What's wrong with you? - My marriage is falling apart.
Funnily enough, my dad just...
No, not funnily enough.
I'm sorry.
Just before, er...
Well, just before Leonora died,
she said she wanted to look down from heaven at Mummy and Daddy...
..and that it would make her happy.
So what's she gonna see now?
I know that's stupid.
- No, it's not. - Me in a bedsit.
Sally stoned off her face somewhere.
It's exactly what we promised each other we wouldn't do.
You'll be all right.
Will I?
So much crying.
And it's lovely to be held.
Mm.
That's a weird thing to say. I'm sorry.
Well... you are who you are.
How's Graham?
The last time I saw you both, he was very up for being held.
Urgh...
- No...? - No!
No, we just had a...
drunken, messy kiss. I felt dreadful.
And I still do. Well...
Don't let that stop you joining the group.
I'll make him sit on the other side of the circle.
I'll see.
I feel easier sorting stuff out myself.
Is that going well?
It will now.
I have a list.
- Hi, Charlotte. - Grandad!
- How was your day? - Well, you know... time to think.
They say don't poke the hornet's nest,
but I've been poking it all day.
- How was school? - All right.
You know, piles of homework.
I loved my school days.
Ten pals, playground, tennis ball, we were away.
Quite simple, really, us boys.
Hm.
- I hope you're enjoying school. - I'm trying to.
Everyone's being so nice about Dad, so...
- Can I help? You seem... - I'm fine.
Out of your grandma's clutches.
I'm sorry, that could easily sound mean.
I still love her, but...
..she's been hugely bored.
I'd love to be bored.
Rather than waiting for the next punch.
Whoo!
- Get that down you, tiger. - Yay!
On the rocks, like your marriage?
Let's rock!
What's going on?
Hi!
- Oh, where's Charlotte? - Upstairs.
- Homework. - Boring!
Let's rock!
Stop the music!
Oh...!
While you were all losing your minds,
my daughter has moved out.
She would rather go and stay with my mother,
whose idea of a warm welcome is a vicious grilling,
than stay here!
Well, we're all swapping houses, aren't we? It's like House Swap.
No, it isn't.
Because I'm going to get Charlotte back and you are leaving.
- Do you want to come, too? - No, I'd...
No. No.
Oh, darling!
Do call out or jingle something if you're going to let yourself in.
Hello.
Tea? We can squeeze out another cup.
Oh, I bet you can, Keith. No, thanks.
Not while you're shagging my mum.
It's more complicated than that.
No, it's upsettingly banal. Where's Charlotte?
Charlotte!
She was amusing us with an impression of her school therapist.
Oh, well, I'm pleased you find grief counselling amusing.
Oh, for God's sake.
You need to know that your father was perfectly happy
- for Mr Forbes and me... - Oh, don't call him Mr Forbes!
..to cover the physical side of our marriage,
which had dwindled to the faintest trickle.
Oh, do go on, with more detail!
But now that your father's no longer happy,
Keith and I have gone back to being just friends.
Hence the genteel light refreshment.
If it's all so civilised,
why has Dad turned into a confused heavy-drinking maniac?
Get your things.
I think I'm gonna stay here for a bit.
I'd better be off.
Leave Charlotte here.
She's only come to stay while you have open house.
And I'd like the company.
- But I need you at home. - You don't, Mum.
We keep arguing.
I've sucked it up, but I need some peace now.
Well, me, too, but I can't run away. I haven't run away.
- I'm just trying to stay sane. - You're upsetting her.
Coffee.
Erm...
- I don't actually drink coffee. - Well, you do now.
It's an important social lubricant.
So, is your mum going ahead with this baby attempt?
I don't know. I think it's on hold.
I have many regrets, but my biggest may be trying
to forcibly defrost your father's semen sample.
Well, in a crowded field,
that was one of the worst moments in recent history.
Believe me, I'm all in favour of buttoning up emotions,
but your mum is right.
You should let go more.
I will, if she lets go less.
Do get a boyfriend.
Sexual abandon can be wonderfully freeing.
Have a good scream, ignore the neighbours.
Grandma...!
There is a boy I like at school.
- What's his name? - Jayden.
Well, we can change that.
Listen...
Your mum may be mad and mean, like me,
but she has your grandad's kindness.
I know.
She was a good mum.
I thought she'd have half a dozen children.
Hi, Gerry.
I know you're not speaking to me,
but I'm having a little party
tomorrow afternoon for Nicola and...
well, to welcome George into the family.
At the Farmer's Arms, Harry's favourite pub.
We need to talk again, please.
I mean, this family needs to heal and this might be a good start.
And George isn't even my blood relative, but he is yours.
Yes, he is a big consolation to us.
Exactly.
And, well... I hope a do might entice Charlotte back.
It got a bit crowded here, so she's moved in with my mum.
Oh?
Well... a big house should be full of life.
I've got the letter from the council
saying they're deciding whether Harry can stay buried in our garden.
No more fuss, if they decide we have to move him.
All right.
No more fuss.
Thank you.
So, I'll see you tomorrow, er, about three?
You're calling me.
What have you done with the real George?
Hilare!
Look, listen, my investor just rang. He wants to see the land.
Great. Tomorrow?
I will set it up.
And you can get those papers off your solicitor
and you can bring them, signed.
You never know. See ya!
Ah, Harry...
Nicola!
Well, it's official.
Grief can drive you insane.
Sit down, for fuck's sake.
I've tried to mend bridges with your dad.
Invited him and Minnie to a little get-together
we're having tomorrow for you and George.
Thanks, Al.
No-one's thrown me a party before.
We could conga round Harry's grave.
- He'd love that. - No, it's in Harry's favourite pub.
Neutral territory, I thought.
This house has been a bit divisive.
- It's a lovely spot. - It is.
Well...
..I hope the council sees sense about the burial.
They did, in the end, with our windows.
Oh...
How do people record conversations on their phones?
Is it an app?
No, it's just on your phone.
Hi.
I'm sorry to do this, but my childcare cancelled.
Can you come to me?
Oh. Well, OK.
Great!
Er, well, I'll send you the address. I'll see you soon.
Who was that?
The man who bought my kitchen.
I need to remind him he still owes me 15 grand.
- They had a drunken snog as well. - No.
We were both very sad...
and we had a hug.
It's a funny old hug... with your faces.
Hi! I'm so sorry about this.
It's, er, the trials of the single parent.
No problem.
No, I suppose your Charlotte's old enough
to fend for herself, isn't she?
She's old enough to move in with my mother, in fact.
Well, they can be very wise and comforting, the grandparents,
- can't they? - Not this one.
This is big boy Barney.
Oh, hi, Barney.
Barns, what do you say?
"Get this strange woman out of my house!"
Er...
I think you've stunned him into silence with your dazzling looks.
Oh, stop it!
Although, we do have to talk about my, er, kitchen
- and the, erm, the money. - Yeah.
Er, yep, yeah.
Anyway, erm, I just wanted you to meet my boy.
He's got some superhero nonsense going on upstairs.
Oh...
Yeah, with my daughter, it was, er, Frozen One.
I think it's just Frozen.
I had to pay her in the end to stop her singing that song.
He still misses his mum.
Tea, coffee, something stronger?
- Coffee. - Coffee, right.
And can I just say...
how sorry I am that I kissed you?
- That we kissed. - Well, it wasn't a kiss.
Er, it was a cry for help.
About loss and pain and... well, the power of alcohol.
Well, it was a kiss, but, erm...
But I understand that you're not ready yet.
Erm, and, well, I am, but we're not in sync.
So, chemistry, be damned!
Well, er...
I'm sorry, but I don't think there is any chemistry for me.
At the moment.
No. Sure.
- Dad...! - Oh, that, er...
I think that Barney might be kicking over the TV.
So just relax and, erm...
read an accountancy book till I return.
What's going on up there, Barney boy?
Oh. The wife doesn't get any photos.
Hm.
Er, is it all right if I use the toilet?
Yeah. It's under the stairs.
Er, sorry, but I've got to go.
I'm feeling a bit queasy.
Er, did you go in the kitchen?
Yes.
That's why I invited you over, to explain.
- I got the measurements wrong. - No, Graham.
You bought my kitchen because you thought it would bring us closer.
So you invested £20,000,
which you didn't have, in our non-existent relationship.
- But I thought it would help you. - I'm sorry,
but at your request,
we crowbarred my exquisite, but ridiculous, Finnish kitchen
out of my house.
So you'll have to sell it and pay me the balance from that.
Of course.
I'd better go.
- Dude! - Hey!
- Good to see you. - And you.
Ralph, this is Alice and Yasmina.
- My executive assistant. - Hi, hello.
- Planning permission docs in order? - Yeah.
- Some restrictions we can argue down. - Affordable housing.
We'll get that kicked down.
Councils have no business interfering with the market.
Is affordable ever bad?
Always! We don't want the poor and needy spoiling the view.
Are you a bit of a dick, Ralph?
Let's tone down the banter and...
- So, anyway, this is... - But it's not banter.
Harry liked making money,
but he had, like, a social conscience.
No wonder he left you in the shit.
Time for you to fuck off.
Sorry.
Thanks for trying. I don't think that was a good fit.
Have you chosen your party frock?
I fought it, but...
..you're right.
It's good Harry's here.
The environmental whatever have agreed.
So, now we'll have to work together to keep this house.
I was shocked.
The mess that Harry left behind.
Me, too.
Look, I love him so much.
But I hate him for what he's done to us.
He built a house that killed him, and could've killed Charlotte or me,
because he didn't believe in banisters.
I mean, don't believe in God or tofu or...
Arsenal's back fucking four, but believe in banisters!
Sorry.
Sorry, I haven't let myself be angry at Harry since he died.
Help me develop his plot of land.
Let's make something special.
- Thank you. - It's all about the living now.
Well... not that I manage it, but...
Adore Nicola the way you adored Harry.
Ah!
Hello.
- You both look wonderful. - Thank you, darling.
It's important to be able to accept a compliment.
Hi, Mum.
Please.
- George hasn't arrived yet. - Are Minnie and Gerry coming?
Well, I hope so.
It's supposed to be a moment of peace and reconciliation.
Oh, and Dad's joined One Direction.
Help Mum and Dad fix their marriage.
No, I don't think so.
How are you doing, sweetheart? Top ten stresses?
Oh, I can't whittle it all down to ten.
- Hello. - Hello.
I'm struggling not to use the words mutton and lamb.
I was about to say you look ravishing,
- but I won't now. - Too late, you have.
It actually takes years off you.
- Not a compliment, surely? - Am I that bad?
Do you really want me to be nice?
I can, but it's utterly draining.
Hello.
Hi.
You don't have any other offers to develop the land.
If you apologise to my investor, he may...
Bollocks to that. How do you know I have no other offers?
And have you signed the papers to waive your legacy,
- as you keep promising? - Will you give that a rest? I...
Oh, George, the man of the hour.
Thanks, Nicola.
You're a beacon of fun in a dismal world.
Er, shall I take your...?
I'll take your trousers. No, that's a joke.
Well, you can have them if you want them.
Come on in.
Alice?
- Alice, have you got my phone in there? - No.
Oh! There's a gents next door. Oh, no, no, it's OK.
- I'm gonna use this one, I think. - I'm gender-neutral.
Please, make him go away.
Let's just leave Alice to the toilet.
Hm, OK.
28th of Feb...
Yes!
'Hello?'
'Hi. Erm...'
'Well, Dad.'
'Why? Why are you here?'
'Well, you're not answering my calls,
'so, I, erm...'
'Look, just hang on.'
- 'Stay there.' - 'Wow...'
'This place must be worth something.'
Alice! Alice!
Give me my phone now, or I'll break down this door.
'My family are upstairs. Please, leave.'
Alice!
'I deserve to get to know my father. I'm not leaving.'
'I have enough children running around.
'I don't need another one right now.'
'Honestly, we'll do this another time.
'Please, leave.'
'No. Look, I...'
Mum, George seems desperate.
'If you don't talk to me, I'll tell everyone.
- 'I'll make your life a living hell.' - 'You wanker!'
'Harry!'
'Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
'Oh, my...'
Can you, erm...?
Can you track me down a triangle of pizza, darling?
I should play this to everyone here, and the police.
You harassing Harry!
No wonder he fell. You poisonous little shit!
Ah, Alice, it might be time to say a few nice words about George here.
- Just give us a minute, Dad. - Sure.
I'm not giving up any inheritance.
He was my dad, he belonged to me as much as he did to you.
You had him for 20 years. I had him for three minutes.
- You just want his money. - And I'll get it. I've had legal advice.
I'm entitled to half of any inheritance, along with Charlotte.
It's my birthright.
What did Harry mean by, "I've got enough children running around"?
I don't know, Alice. Maybe he didn't freeze his semen just for you.
Hello, everyone.
Er, we're not really... Oh, thanks.
We're not really party people.
Oh, yes, we are!
Oh, no, you're not!
Thanks. Thanks, Ed.
But we want you to get to know George.
Harry's son. Not mine.
Er, so, please, do mingle with him.
- Be warned. - I will mingle back.
So, please, raise your glasses.
Perhaps you'd like to...
toast your new grandson, er, Minnie or Gerry?
Thanks, Alice.
Before we do that, as it's a family occasion...
can I include another member of the family in the toast?
She's been hit as hard as anyone by Harry's death.
So...
let's raise our glasses also...
..to our daughter, Nicola, who we love so much.
Nicola and George.
I'm not gonna give up and sell you Harry's plot of land.
So we carry on fighting or we...
work on this project together.
Let's work together.
Would you like a celebratory drink?
No.
Let's wait till we've got something to celebrate.
There you go.
No mess on the carpet.
'I have enough children running around.
'I don't need another one right now.'
That deposit has been lying there for ten years for me, doing nothing.
- What? - Nothing.
I have to ask you this.
Are your children Harry's?
- What? - I don't mean...
Well, presumably, you used a sperm donor.
Yes. But why on earth would we use Harry?
Well, because you said you both go way back and...
Look, I know it's bonkers.
No disrespect, but, I'm afraid...
It never crossed our minds.
Thank you.
Are you going to tell her?
I think we might have to, when it's helpful.
_
Tosser!
Mum?
Welcome home.
You were lying, weren't you?
You'd never have let them move Dad.
Oh, you know me so well.
Mm, maybe I do now, warts and all.
Yeah, I am massively warty. I get it from my mother!
Make money. Keep Harry buried here.
Save parents' marriage. Tick.
Stop feeling useless.
And you know what? I think that Nicola and Ed
might be getting a place together.
So...
Grandma said she thinks you're a good mother
and you deserve to have more children.
What now?
Let's have that day out together, shall we?
Tomorrow?
I feel like I'm losing Harry.
I can't...
feel him just sitting, being with us anymore.
Oh, darling...!
That's it.
Let's let it all out.
Close, curtains.
CREDITS