1
00:00:04,007 --> 00:00:05,101
Come on, we gotta get back home

2
00:00:05,218 --> 00:00:06,507
for the "Property Brothers" marathon.

3
00:00:06,594 --> 00:00:07,882
Oh, I can't wait; they're finally

4
00:00:07,968 --> 00:00:10,686
airing the episode
where they accidentally kiss.

5
00:00:10,788 --> 00:00:12,637
- I'll make guacamole.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

6
00:00:14,568 --> 00:00:16,601
Sir, where are all your avocados?

7
00:00:16,677 --> 00:00:18,277
We haven't gotten any in all week.

8
00:00:18,345 --> 00:00:19,545
Those are the last two.

9
00:00:19,613 --> 00:00:21,246
What do you mean,
you haven't gotten any?

10
00:00:21,315 --> 00:00:22,481
Avocados are local.

11
00:00:22,550 --> 00:00:24,283
Oh, give me those.

12
00:00:24,351 --> 00:00:25,723
My children their healthy fats.

13
00:00:25,778 --> 00:00:28,854
Yeah, excuse me,
but my daughter was here first,

14
00:00:28,923 --> 00:00:29,988
- so can I...
- Excuse me,

15
00:00:30,057 --> 00:00:31,489
I drove in from Santa Monica

16
00:00:31,536 --> 00:00:33,659
because my psychic told me
this place had avocados.

17
00:00:33,684 --> 00:00:34,632
Wait a second.

18
00:00:34,657 --> 00:00:36,261
The whole city's out of avocados?

19
00:00:36,330 --> 00:00:39,231
- What?
- No, I was asking.

20
00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:41,366
Okay, you should...

21
00:00:41,435 --> 00:00:44,303
- Oh, you all right?
- Which way is Mexico?

22
00:00:44,371 --> 00:00:47,072
- Uh-oh, uh-oh.
- Security to aisle three.

23
00:00:47,141 --> 00:00:49,608
- Security to aisle three.
- Oh!

24
00:00:49,677 --> 00:00:52,244
Dad, what's going on?

25
00:00:52,313 --> 00:00:56,081
Is there an avocado crisis?

26
00:01:05,159 --> 00:01:07,626
The agricultural commissioner
says the avocado shortage

27
00:01:07,695 --> 00:01:09,261
is affecting the whole region.

28
00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:11,096
Supermarkets ran out over the weekend,

29
00:01:11,165 --> 00:01:12,965
local Girl Scouts ran out of their vegan

30
00:01:13,033 --> 00:01:14,433
Avoca-Go-Girl cookies,

31
00:01:14,501 --> 00:01:16,602
and also, Passover's coming up.

32
00:01:16,670 --> 00:01:19,037
And there won't be guacamole
or dragon rolls.

33
00:01:19,106 --> 00:01:20,973
LA Judaism's weird.

34
00:01:21,041 --> 00:01:22,107
- Sir.
- Hmm.

35
00:01:22,176 --> 00:01:23,442
Adolphus Hass is here to see you.

36
00:01:23,510 --> 00:01:25,429
The California 'Cado King?

37
00:01:25,515 --> 00:01:26,578
Good.

38
00:01:26,647 --> 00:01:27,946
Look, we're all scared,

39
00:01:28,015 --> 00:01:29,114
but it's gonna be okay.

40
00:01:29,183 --> 00:01:30,231
This is a business problem,

41
00:01:30,301 --> 00:01:33,285
and solving business problems
is my middle name.

42
00:01:33,354 --> 00:01:34,486
That's beautiful. Is that Polish or...

43
00:01:34,555 --> 00:01:38,190
Whatever I was supposed
to be doing today, cancel it.

44
00:01:38,959 --> 00:01:40,459
Get out of here!

45
00:01:40,527 --> 00:01:42,261
We don't have time for you!

46
00:01:45,933 --> 00:01:46,954
Finally.

47
00:01:46,979 --> 00:01:49,001
God, these interns get worse every year.

48
00:01:49,069 --> 00:01:50,869
No, I'm your boss.

49
00:01:50,938 --> 00:01:52,504
Hey, where the hell have you been?

50
00:01:52,573 --> 00:01:55,040
I know, rough morning.
I haven't been sleeping.

51
00:01:55,109 --> 00:01:57,910
Neil texts me every time
he gets up to pee at night.

52
00:01:57,978 --> 00:01:59,144
Oh, that's too many times.

53
00:01:59,213 --> 00:02:00,879
And then I can't fall back asleep,

54
00:02:00,948 --> 00:02:02,080
and blah, blah, blah.

55
00:02:02,149 --> 00:02:04,816
Take some melatonin
and watch a Cardi B ASMR video.

56
00:02:04,885 --> 00:02:06,652
That's my move,
and I sleep like a toddler.

57
00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:08,020
Hmm.

58
00:02:08,088 --> 00:02:09,154
Hi.

59
00:02:09,223 --> 00:02:11,323
Makeup-free Monday, very brave.

60
00:02:11,392 --> 00:02:13,425
- No, I'm not sleeping.
- Me neither.

61
00:02:13,494 --> 00:02:15,794
I've been so excited
to get into this with you.

62
00:02:15,863 --> 00:02:18,030
Right, your water table thing.

63
00:02:18,098 --> 00:02:19,464
You know it!

64
00:02:19,533 --> 00:02:21,800
Mm, um, I've actually got
a meeting right now.

65
00:02:21,869 --> 00:02:23,635
Perfect, that'll give me time

66
00:02:23,704 --> 00:02:25,170
to do some vocal warm-ups.

67
00:02:25,239 --> 00:02:28,707
Water table, water table, ball gag.

68
00:02:28,776 --> 00:02:29,775
Okay.

69
00:02:29,843 --> 00:02:31,810
I'm glad you came by, Adolphus.

70
00:02:31,879 --> 00:02:34,513
Oh, all my friends call me Adolph.

71
00:02:34,581 --> 00:02:36,915
No, thank you. Go ahead, sit down.

72
00:02:36,984 --> 00:02:40,018
I tell you,
the Southland's avocado farmers

73
00:02:40,087 --> 00:02:42,321
are bearing the brunt of this crisis.

74
00:02:42,389 --> 00:02:43,655
The first thing we need to figure out

75
00:02:43,724 --> 00:02:45,691
is what's causing the shortage.

76
00:02:45,759 --> 00:02:47,559
It's this drought we're having.

77
00:02:47,628 --> 00:02:50,929
My farm's yields are lower
than a limbo bar in Lilliput.

78
00:02:50,998 --> 00:02:53,198
- God, he's folksy.
- You need water.

79
00:02:53,267 --> 00:02:54,833
I mean, it's the story of this city.

80
00:02:54,902 --> 00:02:57,202
If only the LA River had water in it

81
00:02:57,271 --> 00:03:00,372
instead of what I've been told
is called pornography runoff.

82
00:03:00,441 --> 00:03:02,874
So how are we gonna fix this, Adolphus?

83
00:03:02,943 --> 00:03:04,237
I'm glad you asked.

84
00:03:04,386 --> 00:03:06,545
See, I've been meeting
with all the local mayors:

85
00:03:06,613 --> 00:03:08,947
Santa Monica, Burbank, Shondaland.

86
00:03:09,016 --> 00:03:10,649
Shondaland, is that a real place?

87
00:03:10,718 --> 00:03:12,117
Yes, but it's not for you, sir.

88
00:03:12,186 --> 00:03:15,387
And they're all pitching in,
but no place on Earth

89
00:03:15,456 --> 00:03:17,923
eats more 'cados
than the City of Angels,

90
00:03:17,992 --> 00:03:20,225
so I sure do hope that you'll pony up.

91
00:03:20,294 --> 00:03:23,395
I'm sorry, is that just a
folksy way of asking for money?

92
00:03:23,464 --> 00:03:26,431
If you subsidize Hass Farms,

93
00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,867
I can afford to ship water
down from Seattle,

94
00:03:28,936 --> 00:03:31,236
and that place
is wetter than an Italian...

95
00:03:31,305 --> 00:03:32,437
No, no, no, no, no.

96
00:03:32,506 --> 00:03:33,972
Look, that... that's not a solution.

97
00:03:34,041 --> 00:03:35,240
That's just a patch.

98
00:03:35,309 --> 00:03:37,476
Hey, we're up crap crick here, boss.

99
00:03:37,544 --> 00:03:38,977
We need a patch,

100
00:03:39,046 --> 00:03:41,046
and isn't patches
what government does best?

101
00:03:41,115 --> 00:03:44,016
Sir, this avocado thing
is a four-quadrant problem.

102
00:03:44,084 --> 00:03:46,752
It affects moms, babies,
gay-bies, and ag workers.

103
00:03:46,820 --> 00:03:48,253
Yeah, some people use avocados

104
00:03:48,322 --> 00:03:50,122
to trick himself into swallowing pills.

105
00:03:50,190 --> 00:03:52,557
A subsidy is a win-win.

106
00:03:52,626 --> 00:03:54,760
I get water. People get their 'cados.

107
00:03:54,828 --> 00:03:56,461
We take a picture in an orchard.

108
00:03:56,530 --> 00:03:58,130
You get all the headlines.

109
00:03:58,198 --> 00:04:00,232
Sir, a photo op and a positive headline

110
00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:02,634
might not be such a bad thing
for you right now.

111
00:04:02,703 --> 00:04:04,236
Yeah, your first 100 days are almost up,

112
00:04:04,304 --> 00:04:06,505
and according to all
the reporters I've spoken to,

113
00:04:06,573 --> 00:04:08,206
the current angle is

114
00:04:08,275 --> 00:04:10,842
"New mayor is old but rich hot."

115
00:04:10,911 --> 00:04:12,711
Rich hot? What, like Bezos?

116
00:04:12,780 --> 00:04:14,513
- No, not like Bezos.
- Exactly, sir, like, Bezos.

117
00:04:14,581 --> 00:04:16,715
Look, writing checks
to make problems go away

118
00:04:16,784 --> 00:04:18,283
is not how I do things.

119
00:04:18,352 --> 00:04:19,951
"Back at my company..."

120
00:04:20,020 --> 00:04:23,155
Back at my company,
I learned how to do every job

121
00:04:23,223 --> 00:04:24,656
so I could fix every problem.

122
00:04:24,725 --> 00:04:27,292
I learned how to drive
a forklift, balance the books.

123
00:04:27,361 --> 00:04:29,494
After the '94 earthquake,

124
00:04:29,563 --> 00:04:31,797
my drivers said the roads were not safe,

125
00:04:31,865 --> 00:04:33,665
so I went out, and I got a Class A

126
00:04:33,734 --> 00:04:36,468
tractor trailer license,
and the next day,

127
00:04:36,537 --> 00:04:39,304
billboards for
"Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"

128
00:04:39,373 --> 00:04:41,506
were all over Southern California.

129
00:04:41,575 --> 00:04:44,309
All righty, then!

130
00:04:46,613 --> 00:04:48,246
Yeah, I'm gonna fix
this thing, Adolphus,

131
00:04:48,315 --> 00:04:51,049
but I'm gonna do it my way.

132
00:04:51,118 --> 00:04:52,584
Well,

133
00:04:52,653 --> 00:04:54,052
when you come to your senses,

134
00:04:54,121 --> 00:04:56,689
you can find me on my farm
in the Valley.

135
00:04:56,728 --> 00:04:59,491
- Okay.
- Or if it's a weekend, Six Flags.

136
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:03,061
I'm tall enough to ride everything.

137
00:05:03,130 --> 00:05:04,563
Yee-ha!

138
00:05:06,533 --> 00:05:10,702
Borings, they are anything but.

139
00:05:10,771 --> 00:05:12,904
Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

140
00:05:12,973 --> 00:05:16,708
What is water?

141
00:05:16,777 --> 00:05:19,311
It's transparent...

142
00:05:19,379 --> 00:05:20,689
Wet.

143
00:05:20,814 --> 00:05:24,275
Common street names include
wa-wa, the drink, God's tears.

144
00:05:24,345 --> 00:05:26,952
We live in a desert,
which is why boring,

145
00:05:27,020 --> 00:05:29,788
boring, boring, boring,
boring, boring, boring,

146
00:05:29,857 --> 00:05:31,723
boring, boring, boring,
boring, boring...

147
00:05:31,792 --> 00:05:34,726
Oh, the end!

148
00:05:34,795 --> 00:05:35,961
Ah.

149
00:05:36,029 --> 00:05:37,562
Have you been talking for an hour?

150
00:05:37,631 --> 00:05:38,730
Doesn't feel like it, does it?

151
00:05:38,799 --> 00:05:39,898
So what do you say?

152
00:05:39,967 --> 00:05:41,766
Take it to the mayor? Dazzle him?

153
00:05:41,835 --> 00:05:43,768
Well, it's a lot to absorb.

154
00:05:43,837 --> 00:05:45,237
Absorb.

155
00:05:45,305 --> 00:05:46,738
Water table humor.

156
00:05:46,807 --> 00:05:50,275
Well, absorb away,
you walking phreatic zone.

157
00:05:51,445 --> 00:05:54,379
A reference to the presentation.

158
00:05:54,448 --> 00:05:55,714
Holler if you have any questions.

159
00:05:55,782 --> 00:05:59,618
I'm available 24-7, 366
if it's a leap year.

160
00:06:01,989 --> 00:06:04,823
I saw you.
You slept through Arpi's pitch.

161
00:06:04,892 --> 00:06:06,324
Delete that, and not just because

162
00:06:06,393 --> 00:06:08,760
it's misogynist to take
unflattering photos of women.

163
00:06:08,829 --> 00:06:10,595
Yeah, she's gonna kill you
if she finds out.

164
00:06:10,664 --> 00:06:11,963
I didn't mean to fall asleep.

165
00:06:12,032 --> 00:06:14,232
She just talked so much. Give me that.

166
00:06:14,301 --> 00:06:15,934
Do you remember when she
caught the chief of police

167
00:06:16,003 --> 00:06:17,636
using his phone during a meeting?

168
00:06:17,704 --> 00:06:19,905
She made him cry,
and he was at Fallujah.

169
00:06:19,973 --> 00:06:21,339
I don't know if you know this,
but not everyone here

170
00:06:21,408 --> 00:06:23,074
sees you as an authority figure.

171
00:06:23,143 --> 00:06:24,242
This is wrong.

172
00:06:24,311 --> 00:06:28,213
I asked for half-and-half
and a splash of Nestle Quik.

173
00:06:29,917 --> 00:06:33,418
Be-because it's mine,
because I'm your boss.

174
00:06:37,826 --> 00:06:39,527
Kwapis, get in here.

175
00:06:42,747 --> 00:06:45,693
People are upset
because they want avocados

176
00:06:45,779 --> 00:06:48,083
- and they can't get them.
- Nodding, getting it.

177
00:06:48,154 --> 00:06:50,287
And I can't end the drought

178
00:06:50,356 --> 00:06:52,356
or make avocados magically appear,

179
00:06:52,425 --> 00:06:55,678
so how do you get a bone
away from a dog?

180
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,716
- Kiss it.
- You distract it

181
00:06:57,784 --> 00:06:59,384
with something it wants even more.

182
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:01,324
- Mm.
- Now, when did people become

183
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:03,688
so obsessed with avocados
in the first place?

184
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,892
Uh, 2013, LA restaurants

185
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,693
started serving
the Australian breakfast,

186
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,463
which is boiled steak,
Dunkaroos, and avocado toast.

187
00:07:11,531 --> 00:07:15,433
Avocados are just the latest
well-branded LA health fad.

188
00:07:15,502 --> 00:07:17,502
Over the years, I have put up billboards

189
00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:20,505
for everything from pine nuts
to pomegranate juice,

190
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:23,742
and no one liked those things
until marketers told them to.

191
00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:25,176
Did you know that quinoa

192
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:27,479
was originally just Beanie Baby filler?

193
00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:29,547
Well, then why does it say
"do not eat" on the tag?

194
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,917
We just need to find the next fad.

195
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,752
We need to find something
that's abundant,

196
00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:35,287
that's high in omega-3s,

197
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:38,023
and that people don't yet
think of as edible.

198
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:40,492
And then we rebrand it as...

199
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,127
The avocado fish.

200
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,929
Don't listen to anyone
who says its real name

201
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,497
is the monkeyface eel.

202
00:07:45,861 --> 00:07:46,875
It's not.

203
00:07:46,930 --> 00:07:47,999
And is it supposed to smell like that?

204
00:07:48,060 --> 00:07:49,159
Absolutely.

205
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:50,869
Now, this superfood has all

206
00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:52,771
the healthy fats of an avocado

207
00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:54,005
with none of the pits,

208
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,774
just twice the bones of a normal fish

209
00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:57,943
and a poisonous swim bladder.

210
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,078
And so you're hoping
that this will catch on?

211
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:03,081
It can do everything
an avocado used to do.

212
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:05,951
Hey, Ana, help me mash
these guys up, will you?

213
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:07,252
Wait, you're not pregnant, right?

214
00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:08,586
- No.
- All right, great, great.

215
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,221
Mash, mash, mash.

216
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:12,490
Wow, and it's, uh, green,
just like guacamole.

217
00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:14,793
Yup, now, eat it quick
before it hardens.

218
00:08:14,861 --> 00:08:16,027
Mmm.

219
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,802
Let's go to Chuck with the w...
Chuck with the weather.

220
00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:25,070
No one named Chuck works here.

221
00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,805
Just cut away.

222
00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:28,740
We'll be right back.

223
00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:32,043
So now I'm gonna, like, bite

224
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,813
these wet-ass pickles.

225
00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:36,748
How does Tommy fall asleep to this?

226
00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:38,149
This is not relaxing.

227
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:41,586
I'm irritated and turned on
and kind of hungry.

228
00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:42,979
Et cetera.

229
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,962
Alexa, why can't I sleep?

230
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,999
According to Mayo Clinic,
insomnia is usually caused

231
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:57,402
by depression, stress,
or anxiety, lack of exercise...

232
00:08:57,471 --> 00:08:59,537
Alexa, stop.

233
00:08:59,606 --> 00:09:00,638
Thank you.

234
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,075
Alexa,

235
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:05,777
call Scary McTinybird.

236
00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:09,481
Calling Scary McTinybird's mobile.

237
00:09:14,445 --> 00:09:16,988
Ms. Shaw, what a pleasant surprise.

238
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,356
Unless this is a kidnapper

239
00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:20,425
using Ms. Shaw's telephone
to demand a ransom,

240
00:09:20,494 --> 00:09:22,260
in which case, I will not negotiate.

241
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:23,372
You can go ahead and kill her.

242
00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:25,263
Um, no, no, it's me.

243
00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:27,432
Uh, I hope I'm not calling too late?

244
00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:29,267
If it's city business,
it's never too late.

245
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:30,544
What can I do you for?

246
00:09:30,630 --> 00:09:33,038
Well, I was thinking now that I have

247
00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:37,542
a baseline understanding
of what a borings is,

248
00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:41,146
I was thinking
you could go more in-depth?

249
00:09:41,230 --> 00:09:43,130
Depth?

250
00:09:43,190 --> 00:09:44,556
Borings are all about depth.

251
00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:46,885
Man, you are funny.

252
00:09:46,953 --> 00:09:48,319
Zing!

253
00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:52,857
Now, I wish you were here
to see this soil sample,

254
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,894
but I'll describe it to ya.

255
00:09:55,962 --> 00:09:57,262
Brown,

256
00:09:57,345 --> 00:09:59,483
light brown, dark brown.

257
00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:02,434
The first brown again.

258
00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:05,737
Oh. Hello, sir.

259
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,138
Mrs. Baby Sir.

260
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:08,773
Orly's spending the day here.

261
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:10,675
Yeah, my school's closed

262
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:13,511
'cause they ordered a bunch of
avocado fish for the salad bar,

263
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,346
but it turns out
you can't transport them dead.

264
00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:16,740
Because they harden.

265
00:10:16,873 --> 00:10:18,850
You know, the city's been
very up-front about that.

266
00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:21,519
Did the city know that they
could crawl short distances?

267
00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:24,089
'Cause one of them got
in the pool and laid eggs.

268
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:28,026
Fine, the avocado fish
was a bad idea, okay?

269
00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:33,131
This cannot be how you end
your first 100 days, sir.

270
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,466
"Eel Bummer"?

271
00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:36,367
Inside, they did a really good job

272
00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:38,670
of photoshopping the creature
from "Shape of Water"...

273
00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:39,938
Oh, no.

274
00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:41,372
Oh, they made you the mute lady.

275
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:43,308
Gosh, he is really giving it to you.

276
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:44,542
This is the kind of problem

277
00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:46,744
that I have been solving my entire life.

278
00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:50,215
I just don't know how to
truck-drive my way out of this.

279
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:52,450
Oh, my God, what is that smell?

280
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:55,286
There are protesters outside
throwing monkeyface eel.

281
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,222
Fun fact: the avocado fish

282
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:59,891
exclusively eats the feces
of other fish.

283
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,327
Jayden, get Adolphus Hass on the phone.

284
00:11:02,395 --> 00:11:03,528
Yeah, I think
that's the right call, sir.

285
00:11:03,597 --> 00:11:05,296
- We subsidize...
- Please leave.

286
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:07,932
You smell like the bathroom
at a ferry terminal.

287
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,300
I know, sir. I'm so sorry.

288
00:11:17,145 --> 00:11:18,512
Oh, Ms. Shaw?

289
00:11:18,566 --> 00:11:21,066
- Do you have a moment?
- Of course, always.

290
00:11:21,144 --> 00:11:22,400
I don't know if you realized this,

291
00:11:22,489 --> 00:11:25,242
but you fell asleep last night
while I was talking to you.

292
00:11:25,305 --> 00:11:26,371
Me did?

293
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:27,640
Are you sure?

294
00:11:27,703 --> 00:11:29,169
Ms. Shaw?

295
00:11:29,232 --> 00:11:32,366
No, Cardi B, don't hurt
that pickle with your nails.

296
00:11:32,443 --> 00:11:34,910
It's a cucumber's baby.

297
00:11:36,013 --> 00:11:37,612
That was a chair.

298
00:11:37,682 --> 00:11:40,315
It happens.
Our bodies betray us sometimes.

299
00:11:40,378 --> 00:11:43,519
I pee a little when I laugh,
so needless to say,

300
00:11:43,587 --> 00:11:46,196
I'm very concerned about this
"Who's the Boss?" reboot.

301
00:11:46,250 --> 00:11:48,056
Anyway, maybe I need

302
00:11:48,117 --> 00:11:49,908
to tighten up my "presentache"

303
00:11:49,938 --> 00:11:51,360
before we take it to the mayor.

304
00:11:51,427 --> 00:11:54,171
From the pitch yesterday,
what would you cut?

305
00:11:54,218 --> 00:11:58,054
Oh, gosh, that's hard. It's so good.

306
00:11:58,109 --> 00:12:01,170
Okay, well, what
would you say I have to keep?

307
00:12:01,238 --> 00:12:06,008
I really responded to... graph.

308
00:12:06,537 --> 00:12:08,404
You narcoleptic skunk.

309
00:12:08,499 --> 00:12:10,065
You fell asleep yesterday too!

310
00:12:10,090 --> 00:12:11,300
I know. I'm so sorry!

311
00:12:11,363 --> 00:12:13,079
I haven't been sleeping.
Please don't hurt me.

312
00:12:13,196 --> 00:12:14,696
I'm your boss, but you can be boss.

313
00:12:14,758 --> 00:12:15,857
What do you want for lunch?

314
00:12:15,926 --> 00:12:18,159
Okay, get it over with. Just hit me.

315
00:12:18,228 --> 00:12:19,127
Oh.

316
00:12:24,501 --> 00:12:26,745
Oh, no, what was that?

317
00:12:26,815 --> 00:12:28,211
That was so weird.

318
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:30,471
What did it mean?

319
00:12:33,185 --> 00:12:35,119
Well, if it isn't the man of the hour.

320
00:12:35,210 --> 00:12:37,144
I just want to put
this whole thing behind me.

321
00:12:37,199 --> 00:12:39,533
Oh, said the farmer's
daughter to the Bible salesman.

322
00:12:39,619 --> 00:12:40,685
Sorry

323
00:12:40,753 --> 00:12:42,286
for the constant folksiness.

324
00:12:42,355 --> 00:12:44,055
I think maybe I'm nostalgic

325
00:12:44,123 --> 00:12:46,090
for an America that never existed.

326
00:12:46,159 --> 00:12:47,792
Okay, sorry, we're gonna have
to move this truck.

327
00:12:47,860 --> 00:12:50,594
It's blocking the H
in Hass Avocado Farms,

328
00:12:50,663 --> 00:12:53,429
so it, uh, looks like
"Ass Avocado Farms."

329
00:12:53,507 --> 00:12:56,096
No, I can't move it.
I had to lay off all my drivers.

330
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:57,964
That poor truck's been there all week.

331
00:12:58,058 --> 00:12:59,391
Well, I can move it.

332
00:12:59,460 --> 00:13:01,293
I've actually got a trucker's license.

333
00:13:01,362 --> 00:13:02,861
Mm, triple threat:

334
00:13:02,953 --> 00:13:05,063
mayor, truck driver,

335
00:13:05,156 --> 00:13:07,957
and legs for days.

336
00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:24,111
I'm gonna have to put a hold
on those funds, Adolphus.

337
00:13:24,166 --> 00:13:26,132
Something's come up. Right, Jayden?

338
00:13:26,209 --> 00:13:27,275
Um, yes.

339
00:13:27,343 --> 00:13:30,383
Uh, there's been an accident,
and the doctor said,

340
00:13:30,469 --> 00:13:33,181
"I can't operate on this boy.
He's my son,"

341
00:13:33,249 --> 00:13:36,684
- because the doctor was a mommy!
- Uh, who is this... oh, oh!

342
00:13:36,796 --> 00:13:39,230
- Wait! Wait!
- Sir, what's going on?

343
00:13:46,996 --> 00:13:48,468
Ms. Meskimen?

344
00:13:48,623 --> 00:13:50,064
I'm sorry to be calling so late,

345
00:13:50,171 --> 00:13:52,738
but I feel terrible
about what happened today,

346
00:13:52,807 --> 00:13:55,174
and I also had
a couple follow-up questions

347
00:13:55,242 --> 00:13:57,458
about the kiss of death
that you gave me.

348
00:13:57,505 --> 00:13:59,438
I thought I might hear from you tonight.

349
00:13:59,507 --> 00:14:00,706
Still can't sleep, huh?

350
00:14:00,775 --> 00:14:02,247
"We need to get to the root of this,"

351
00:14:02,310 --> 00:14:04,077
said the endangered California vole.

352
00:14:04,145 --> 00:14:05,445
Is that a joke,

353
00:14:05,513 --> 00:14:07,223
or did he really say that?

354
00:14:07,248 --> 00:14:08,347
I'm so tired.

355
00:14:08,408 --> 00:14:11,454
I know what kept me up
at night when I was your age.

356
00:14:11,540 --> 00:14:14,475
It was a little something
called impostor syndrome.

357
00:14:14,781 --> 00:14:16,914
Men are immune to it,

358
00:14:16,975 --> 00:14:19,042
but it's got a taste for skirts.

359
00:14:19,119 --> 00:14:21,005
It's that feeling that
you're in over your head

360
00:14:21,052 --> 00:14:22,393
and that everyone knows,

361
00:14:22,503 --> 00:14:25,196
and every time someone
mistakes you for an intern

362
00:14:25,257 --> 00:14:27,284
or leaves you off an email chain

363
00:14:27,378 --> 00:14:28,925
about entering through the garage

364
00:14:28,962 --> 00:14:30,784
to avoid getting eel thrown at you,

365
00:14:30,962 --> 00:14:32,504
that feeling grows,

366
00:14:32,566 --> 00:14:35,765
that feeling that
you don't deserve to be here.

367
00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:37,400
It adds up, right?

368
00:14:37,469 --> 00:14:39,897
I mean, what were your jobs before this?

369
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,446
According to LinkedIn,

370
00:14:41,538 --> 00:14:43,787
you were a vibe coordinator at The Wing.

371
00:14:43,959 --> 00:14:45,340
- Uh...
- And what the hell

372
00:14:45,409 --> 00:14:47,008
is the Fyre Festival?

373
00:14:47,085 --> 00:14:48,941
It would have worked if Blink-182

374
00:14:49,019 --> 00:14:50,153
had gotten on the plane.

375
00:14:50,221 --> 00:14:52,255
I think we both know
you don't believe that.

376
00:14:52,324 --> 00:14:54,934
Anyway, impostor syndrome,
that's your problem.

377
00:14:54,997 --> 00:14:57,327
Sweet dreams.

378
00:14:57,395 --> 00:14:58,628
Oh.

379
00:15:06,351 --> 00:15:08,084
Now will you tell me why we're here?

380
00:15:08,161 --> 00:15:10,028
I tried to tell you in the car, Jayden,

381
00:15:10,097 --> 00:15:12,097
but you wouldn't stop
singing along with the radio.

382
00:15:12,165 --> 00:15:14,497
Well, because Mandy Moore
has found her voice, sir.

383
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:15,600
All right.

384
00:15:15,669 --> 00:15:17,645
This is the closest bar to Hass Farms

385
00:15:17,696 --> 00:15:19,062
that doesn't sell wine.

386
00:15:19,130 --> 00:15:20,463
We're looking for truck drivers,

387
00:15:20,525 --> 00:15:24,151
anyone with a Local 63 hat
or a tramp stamp.

388
00:15:27,532 --> 00:15:29,599
Jackpot.

389
00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:31,667
Excuse me, fellas, uh, sorry.

390
00:15:31,736 --> 00:15:33,467
Are you guys long haul or local?

391
00:15:33,562 --> 00:15:35,595
Honk, honk, beep, beep.
Am I right, guys?

392
00:15:35,664 --> 00:15:37,397
Uh, sorry. What were you saying?

393
00:15:37,473 --> 00:15:39,873
We all drive for big farms
in Simi Valley.

394
00:15:39,935 --> 00:15:41,334
I'm with Hass.

395
00:15:41,403 --> 00:15:42,542
- Really?
- Yeah.

396
00:15:42,589 --> 00:15:45,690
Well, I'm, uh, Local 848, Long Beach.

397
00:15:45,753 --> 00:15:47,841
A city boy.

398
00:15:47,910 --> 00:15:50,744
Hey, city man, okay? Just look at him.

399
00:15:50,812 --> 00:15:52,251
Let me buy you guys a round.

400
00:15:52,329 --> 00:15:53,548
- You want four beers?
- No, no.

401
00:15:53,665 --> 00:15:55,528
Just seltzer for me. Thank you.

402
00:15:55,634 --> 00:15:56,566
- Really?
- Yeah.

403
00:15:56,635 --> 00:15:57,901
Are you driving late?

404
00:15:57,970 --> 00:15:59,336
Oh, maybe he's pregnant, sir.

405
00:15:59,405 --> 00:16:01,641
Well, I'm not supposed to talk about it,

406
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,319
but driver to driver...

407
00:16:10,526 --> 00:16:12,092
So how was the rest of your night?

408
00:16:12,128 --> 00:16:14,471
- Not great, Arpi.
- Poor thing.

409
00:16:14,534 --> 00:16:17,034
Me, I slept like a baby:

410
00:16:17,071 --> 00:16:19,738
butt in the air, belly full of milk.

411
00:16:19,773 --> 00:16:22,007
Sleep deprivation's
a form of torture, you know?

412
00:16:22,042 --> 00:16:24,076
That's why you see so many new mothers

413
00:16:24,111 --> 00:16:25,978
weeping in the Whole Foods parking lot.

414
00:16:27,715 --> 00:16:29,214
I'll get that later.

415
00:16:29,250 --> 00:16:30,949
So would you like to sleep?

416
00:16:30,985 --> 00:16:33,585
Yes! Please, I'll do anything!

417
00:16:33,621 --> 00:16:35,187
What do you want? Money, drugs?

418
00:16:35,222 --> 00:16:36,455
I'll give you a piggyback ride.

419
00:16:36,490 --> 00:16:38,190
Okay, I'll quit torturing you.

420
00:16:38,225 --> 00:16:39,725
In fact,

421
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:41,760
I'll call you every night
and bore you to sleep.

422
00:16:41,795 --> 00:16:45,664
I'll be your own personal
little Lunesta insect.

423
00:16:45,699 --> 00:16:48,367
But first, I do need something from you.

424
00:16:48,402 --> 00:16:50,636
You want a kid? My sister's got two!

425
00:16:50,671 --> 00:16:52,638
One has blue eyes. How does that sound?

426
00:16:52,673 --> 00:16:54,439
You said you'd listen
to my presentation,

427
00:16:54,475 --> 00:16:55,874
and that's what you're gonna do.

428
00:16:55,910 --> 00:16:59,611
- Oh.
- Without falling asleep.

429
00:16:59,647 --> 00:17:03,615
Borings, they are anything but.

430
00:17:04,818 --> 00:17:06,718
Neil.

431
00:17:06,754 --> 00:17:08,553
Oh, I'm so glad you called.

432
00:17:08,589 --> 00:17:10,055
When you skedaddled like that yesterday,

433
00:17:10,090 --> 00:17:12,224
I thought maybe our deal was off.

434
00:17:12,259 --> 00:17:13,525
Get in here. Sit down.

435
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:14,559
Thank you.

436
00:17:14,595 --> 00:17:16,762
So yesterday,

437
00:17:16,797 --> 00:17:19,531
you said your trucks
hadn't gone out all week.

438
00:17:20,601 --> 00:17:22,734
Or are they?

439
00:17:22,770 --> 00:17:25,070
See...

440
00:17:25,105 --> 00:17:27,472
When I went out to move that truck,

441
00:17:27,508 --> 00:17:29,942
the headlights were on.

442
00:17:29,977 --> 00:17:33,045
The lights were on,
and the battery wasn't dead.

443
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:36,481
That truck had been driven
recently, at night.

444
00:17:36,517 --> 00:17:38,817
Ah. What's that supposed to prove?

445
00:17:38,852 --> 00:17:40,252
I'm only fidgeting like this

446
00:17:40,287 --> 00:17:42,054
because of my oversized genitals.

447
00:17:42,089 --> 00:17:44,256
So I talked to one of your drivers.

448
00:17:44,291 --> 00:17:46,425
You must be mistaken.
I don't have any drivers.

449
00:17:46,460 --> 00:17:47,759
I had to lay them off.

450
00:17:47,795 --> 00:17:49,494
I was confused, too, until I went out

451
00:17:49,530 --> 00:17:51,630
to your warehouse in Santa Clarita,

452
00:17:51,665 --> 00:17:53,966
and while Jayden distracted the dog...

453
00:17:54,001 --> 00:17:57,102
- With kisses.
- Guess what I found in there.

454
00:17:57,972 --> 00:17:59,638
'Cados.

455
00:17:59,673 --> 00:18:01,473
Whole warehouse full of 'em.

456
00:18:01,508 --> 00:18:03,976
That drought didn't ruin your harvest.

457
00:18:04,011 --> 00:18:06,578
It was just an excuse for you
to stockpile avocados

458
00:18:06,613 --> 00:18:07,980
to drive the prices up

459
00:18:08,015 --> 00:18:11,416
while you took a handout
from my taxpayers.

460
00:18:11,452 --> 00:18:12,884
You weren't gonna ship in any water.

461
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,320
You were just gonna ship
that money to your own pocket.

462
00:18:15,356 --> 00:18:17,322
Oh, snap.

463
00:18:17,358 --> 00:18:19,458
Yeah, and you almost got away
with it too.

464
00:18:19,493 --> 00:18:24,763
Except I'm still holding
all the cards, Mr. Mayor.

465
00:18:24,798 --> 00:18:27,766
You can't afford for the
shortage to go on much longer.

466
00:18:27,801 --> 00:18:31,136
Your own staff said you need
some positive press,

467
00:18:31,171 --> 00:18:33,538
so you need me.

468
00:18:33,574 --> 00:18:35,841
Tick-o-tockety, friend.

469
00:18:35,876 --> 00:18:37,509
Wait, is that supposed to be a clock?

470
00:18:37,544 --> 00:18:40,779
Tick-o-tockety for you.

471
00:18:40,814 --> 00:18:42,214
Give that guy a squeeze.

472
00:18:44,151 --> 00:18:45,751
It's not hard!

473
00:18:45,786 --> 00:18:47,252
They're ripening too early!

474
00:18:47,287 --> 00:18:49,354
I think that the City of Los Angeles

475
00:18:49,390 --> 00:18:50,856
will keep its money,

476
00:18:50,891 --> 00:18:53,258
'cause if you don't get
those avocados on the street,

477
00:18:53,293 --> 00:18:54,659
you're toast.

478
00:18:54,695 --> 00:18:56,194
Plain toast.

479
00:18:56,230 --> 00:18:57,229
You son of a bitch!

480
00:18:57,264 --> 00:18:59,331
Now, get out of here.

481
00:18:59,366 --> 00:19:01,299
We don't have time for you!

482
00:19:07,207 --> 00:19:09,041
- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.

483
00:19:09,076 --> 00:19:10,709
I got scared when he threw the...

484
00:19:10,744 --> 00:19:13,278
Which brings us to the end.

485
00:19:13,313 --> 00:19:14,646
So what do you say?

486
00:19:14,681 --> 00:19:16,748
Take it to the mayor for real?

487
00:19:16,784 --> 00:19:19,117
Absolutely not.

488
00:19:19,153 --> 00:19:20,274
I'm sorry, what?

489
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:22,656
Arpi, if we deprivatize
the borings process,

490
00:19:22,733 --> 00:19:25,336
there may be a period of time
where we can't guarantee

491
00:19:25,374 --> 00:19:27,571
the safety of LA's drinking water?

492
00:19:27,650 --> 00:19:30,242
24 hours max, people can stockpile.

493
00:19:30,281 --> 00:19:33,370
- They'll use bathtubs.
- You can't mess with people's water, Arpi

494
00:19:33,441 --> 00:19:35,661
When I was hydration's ***
for the Fyre Festival

495
00:19:35,731 --> 00:19:37,330
it went sideways fast.

496
00:19:37,366 --> 00:19:39,366
Billy McFarland hired Adriana Lima

497
00:19:39,401 --> 00:19:42,235
to captain the Evian boat,
and she sank it,

498
00:19:42,271 --> 00:19:44,838
and then 20,000 stoned idiots panicked

499
00:19:44,873 --> 00:19:46,373
and started drinking salt water.

500
00:19:46,408 --> 00:19:47,774
You should just watch the documentary.

501
00:19:47,810 --> 00:19:49,076
I look so thin.

502
00:19:49,111 --> 00:19:50,844
And that took place
on a mountain of guano

503
00:19:50,879 --> 00:19:52,212
in the middle of the ocean,

504
00:19:52,247 --> 00:19:56,783
but LA is a desert
with 3 million stoned idiots.

505
00:19:56,819 --> 00:19:58,018
We do not want to be

506
00:19:58,053 --> 00:19:59,519
the Billy McFarlands of Los Angeles,

507
00:19:59,555 --> 00:20:02,189
so it's a hard no, Arpi.

508
00:20:03,459 --> 00:20:04,658
Huh.

509
00:20:04,693 --> 00:20:07,194
Well, obviously,
I'm disappointed, but...

510
00:20:07,229 --> 00:20:09,229
you seem to know
what you're talking about.

511
00:20:09,264 --> 00:20:10,897
Oh, I do.

512
00:20:10,933 --> 00:20:12,833
You mess up water, next thing you know,

513
00:20:12,868 --> 00:20:14,434
some trust fund douche named Preston

514
00:20:14,470 --> 00:20:17,537
is pulling turtles apart
to get their liquid.

515
00:20:17,573 --> 00:20:19,439
Hard to argue with that.

516
00:20:19,475 --> 00:20:20,540
Very good.

517
00:20:20,576 --> 00:20:22,042
Thank you for your time.

518
00:20:22,077 --> 00:20:24,811
Would you like me
to put you to sleep tonight?

519
00:20:24,847 --> 00:20:27,347
I think I'm gonna be all right.

520
00:20:27,382 --> 00:20:28,448
I'm feeling...

521
00:20:28,484 --> 00:20:31,451
Like you're the real deal
and not an impostor.

522
00:20:31,487 --> 00:20:32,552
Good for you.

523
00:20:34,189 --> 00:20:36,089
- I'm not an intern!
- I know.

524
00:20:36,125 --> 00:20:38,158
I was bringing you
a goldfish to apologize.

525
00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:40,327
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

526
00:20:40,362 --> 00:20:41,709
Oh, no.

527
00:20:41,803 --> 00:20:43,169
Avocados are back on the shelves,

528
00:20:43,205 --> 00:20:45,271
and Angelinos are back to being happy.

529
00:20:45,307 --> 00:20:46,505
On the outside.

530
00:20:46,638 --> 00:20:48,742
I just want to thank Mayor Bremer.

531
00:20:48,777 --> 00:20:50,777
Now my baby's back on keto.

532
00:20:50,812 --> 00:20:53,213
I know, this is three months postpartum?

533
00:20:53,248 --> 00:20:54,981
Well, there's always a solution, Tommy.

534
00:20:55,017 --> 00:20:57,283
Solution. That reminds me.

535
00:20:57,319 --> 00:20:58,892
I have to go flush out my dog bites.

536
00:20:58,917 --> 00:21:00,854
We're joined now live
by the mayor's chief of staff,

537
00:21:00,889 --> 00:21:02,188
Mikaela Shaw, who, uh...

538
00:21:02,224 --> 00:21:05,392
Ms. Shaw?

539
00:21:05,427 --> 00:21:08,161
Harry Potter, take me to the ball?

540
00:21:08,196 --> 00:21:09,629
'Bout Cho Chang?

541
00:21:09,664 --> 00:21:11,164
- Ms. Shaw?
- Whatever.

542
00:21:11,199 --> 00:21:12,399
I'll boogie.

543
00:21:13,918 --> 00:21:15,057
Ms. Shaw?

544
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,274
No further questions.

545
00:21:19,345 --> 00:21:23,345
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