1
00:00:00,969 --> 00:00:02,592
Bags open, IDs out!

2
00:00:02,617 --> 00:00:04,617
Asian men are having a moment.

3
00:00:04,652 --> 00:00:08,120
"Parasite," K-pop, Bruno Mars, maybe.

4
00:00:08,156 --> 00:00:09,402
It's time for yours, Tommy.

5
00:00:09,427 --> 00:00:10,920
Bags open, IDs out!

6
00:00:14,523 --> 00:00:15,740
Am I being carded?

7
00:00:15,765 --> 00:00:18,343
Keep the line moving, please.

8
00:00:21,764 --> 00:00:24,143
Are you wearing "White
Nirvana" by the Olsen twins?

9
00:00:24,168 --> 00:00:25,334
Next!

10
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:26,433
Were you a C-section birth?

11
00:00:26,469 --> 00:00:27,901
'Cause your head shape
is, like, perfect.

12
00:00:27,937 --> 00:00:29,870
Next!

13
00:00:31,507 --> 00:00:33,974
- I see you, son.
- No thank you, Bernard.

14
00:00:46,261 --> 00:00:47,291
How do you even know Nestor's gay?

15
00:00:47,316 --> 00:00:48,989
It's impossible to tell in LA.

16
00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:50,249
His eyebrows are threaded, and he smells

17
00:00:50,292 --> 00:00:52,225
like sugar-free Red Bull
and fog machines.

18
00:00:52,253 --> 00:00:54,053
But he just checks my ID
and says nothing.

19
00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:55,495
I can't even get him to look at me.

20
00:00:55,531 --> 00:00:57,731
Well, here's your problem.
This picture is awful.

21
00:00:57,766 --> 00:00:59,066
Are you missing a tooth?

22
00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:00,300
It's a blueberry skin,

23
00:01:00,336 --> 00:01:02,769
and those hives on my neck
are from my blueberry allergy.

24
00:01:02,805 --> 00:01:04,438
Morning team, how is everyone?

25
00:01:04,473 --> 00:01:06,473
Well, turns out my dad's calcium deposit

26
00:01:06,508 --> 00:01:07,441
was not calcium.

27
00:01:07,476 --> 00:01:09,543
- Rhetorical, Jayden.
- Good morning, sir!

28
00:01:09,578 --> 00:01:11,545
To save paper, the printout
in front of you lists

29
00:01:11,580 --> 00:01:13,847
the parts of LA
that are currently not on fire.

30
00:01:13,882 --> 00:01:15,215
Oh, smart!

31
00:01:15,250 --> 00:01:16,850
Now, this morning
you're heading to Venice

32
00:01:16,885 --> 00:01:19,519
for the rollout of our free
helmet sharing program

33
00:01:19,555 --> 00:01:20,854
for electric scooters.

34
00:01:22,057 --> 00:01:23,523
Well, protecting humans

35
00:01:23,559 --> 00:01:25,592
would not have been my choice, sir.

36
00:01:25,628 --> 00:01:27,761
Not when the number one cause
of wildlife death

37
00:01:27,796 --> 00:01:31,031
is heart attacks from humans
posing for pictures with them.

38
00:01:31,066 --> 00:01:32,833
I don't think that's true, Arpi.

39
00:01:32,868 --> 00:01:34,001
It feels true, sir.

40
00:01:34,036 --> 00:01:35,135
Moving on.

41
00:01:35,170 --> 00:01:37,871
The Dodgers have invited the Mayor

42
00:01:37,906 --> 00:01:40,007
to throw out the first pitch tomorrow.

43
00:01:40,042 --> 00:01:41,808
Oh! That sounds like a hoot!

44
00:01:41,844 --> 00:01:43,443
A hoot indeed, sir.

45
00:01:43,479 --> 00:01:45,512
But I'd strongly suggest you decline.

46
00:01:45,547 --> 00:01:46,880
Are you crazy?
What, you don't want to see

47
00:01:46,915 --> 00:01:48,882
this guy in baseball pants
eating a hot dog?

48
00:01:48,917 --> 00:01:50,717
Yeah, the Mayor
can't say no to baseball.

49
00:01:50,753 --> 00:01:52,085
It's America's pastime.

50
00:01:52,121 --> 00:01:53,320
But there's zero upside to this.

51
00:01:53,355 --> 00:01:55,088
Throwing a first pitch
is like being a mom.

52
00:01:55,124 --> 00:01:57,290
If you do a good job,
no one notices or cares.

53
00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:58,892
Well, that is true. You only hear

54
00:01:58,927 --> 00:02:00,894
about first pitches
when they go really bad.

55
00:02:00,929 --> 00:02:04,064
And then you're like, "Oh, no,
is 50 Cent gonna die soon?"

56
00:02:04,099 --> 00:02:05,732
Okay, I see what's going on here.

57
00:02:05,768 --> 00:02:08,101
- You all think I'm too old.
- That's not true, sir.

58
00:02:08,137 --> 00:02:10,103
If you were a baby,
I'd say the same thing.

59
00:02:10,139 --> 00:02:13,607
You tell the Dodgers I'll be there.

60
00:02:13,642 --> 00:02:16,710
Sir, we still have, like,
20 more items to go over.

61
00:02:16,745 --> 00:02:19,780
I know. Morning!

62
00:02:19,815 --> 00:02:22,916
Thank you all for coming out
to help us kick off "SafeLA."

63
00:02:22,951 --> 00:02:27,487
Now, I know a bunch of you
independent thinkers wouldn't...

64
00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:30,190
Wouldn't even wear masks.

65
00:02:30,225 --> 00:02:32,826
But what about helmets? It's simple.

66
00:02:32,861 --> 00:02:37,564
Download our free helmet
sharing app, "SafeLA."

67
00:02:37,599 --> 00:02:41,068
Use the map feature to locate a helmet.

68
00:02:41,103 --> 00:02:46,373
Now you're ready to enter
the unique 14-digit code

69
00:02:46,408 --> 00:02:49,443
that releases
the helmet's security cover.

70
00:02:49,478 --> 00:02:52,446
You then have 20 seconds
to... are you kidding me?

71
00:02:52,481 --> 00:02:54,314
Couldn't we just put them
in a bin or something?

72
00:02:54,349 --> 00:02:56,083
- I don't know.
- Okay, all right.

73
00:02:56,118 --> 00:03:00,520
Anyway, "SafeLA, keeping LA safe."

74
00:03:00,556 --> 00:03:02,622
Mr. Mayor, can we get
a picture on the scooter?

75
00:03:02,658 --> 00:03:03,957
You know what?
I'm having too good a hair day.

76
00:03:03,992 --> 00:03:05,392
I'm going to have my comms director

77
00:03:05,427 --> 00:03:07,594
Jayden Kwapis model it for me.

78
00:03:07,629 --> 00:03:09,396
Hey-o!

79
00:03:09,431 --> 00:03:12,299
Wow! What a throw, sir!

80
00:03:12,334 --> 00:03:15,135
Yeah, well, there'll be
plenty more of that tomorrow

81
00:03:15,170 --> 00:03:17,137
- at Dodger Stadium.
- You mean throwing?

82
00:03:17,172 --> 00:03:18,638
Yeah, it's a professional baseball game.

83
00:03:18,674 --> 00:03:19,606
It's what they do.

84
00:03:19,641 --> 00:03:22,242
No, there'll be plenty
more of me throwing.

85
00:03:22,277 --> 00:03:24,511
I'm throwing out
the first pitch tomorrow.

86
00:03:24,546 --> 00:03:26,813
And it'll be so good,
he's gonna get hired.

87
00:03:26,849 --> 00:03:29,716
And then he'll be
the first mayor baseball man!

88
00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:31,852
Blastoff!

89
00:03:35,791 --> 00:03:37,524
I don't know how to do brakes!

90
00:03:37,559 --> 00:03:41,995
Remember me! My legacy is my kindness!

91
00:03:42,030 --> 00:03:44,931
Hello, good morning.

92
00:03:44,967 --> 00:03:47,000
I need a new ID photo, please.

93
00:03:47,035 --> 00:03:49,302
Sorry, no retakes. Next!

94
00:03:49,338 --> 00:03:52,005
I love rules. No rules is chaos.

95
00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:53,774
That's why I hate Outback Steakhouse.

96
00:03:53,809 --> 00:03:55,542
But this is an emergency.

97
00:03:55,577 --> 00:03:58,545
61,000 people work
for the city of Los Angeles.

98
00:03:58,580 --> 00:04:00,480
Most of them hate their ID photo.

99
00:04:00,516 --> 00:04:02,983
If I let you retake yours,
the floodgates open,

100
00:04:03,018 --> 00:04:06,353
the system's overwhelmed,
the city grinds to a halt,

101
00:04:06,388 --> 00:04:08,221
and I'd have to work till 6:00.

102
00:04:08,257 --> 00:04:10,857
Look, I get it.

103
00:04:10,893 --> 00:04:12,993
Daniela. Beautiful name.

104
00:04:13,028 --> 00:04:14,027
Does it come from a romance novel

105
00:04:14,062 --> 00:04:15,695
by the register at a grocery store?

106
00:04:15,731 --> 00:04:17,297
Read the sign, sir.

107
00:04:18,834 --> 00:04:22,035
"Talk to the rosé"?
What does that even mean?

108
00:04:22,070 --> 00:04:24,638
"No retakes. Stop asking."

109
00:04:24,673 --> 00:04:26,773
Next!

110
00:04:30,245 --> 00:04:31,778
Jayden Kwapis, if I sound out of breath

111
00:04:31,814 --> 00:04:33,413
it's because I have a treadmill desk.

112
00:04:33,448 --> 00:04:34,548
Hi, this is Emily Biyata.

113
00:04:34,583 --> 00:04:35,682
I'm calling from the Dodgers

114
00:04:35,717 --> 00:04:37,050
to coordinate the Mayor's visit.

115
00:04:37,085 --> 00:04:38,485
Oh, great! So for the green room,

116
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,053
what are we thinking platter-wise?

117
00:04:40,088 --> 00:04:42,055
Shrimp and ham, or?

118
00:04:42,090 --> 00:04:43,657
Look, Jayden.

119
00:04:43,692 --> 00:04:47,360
I'm in PR so, obviously, I Googled you.

120
00:04:47,396 --> 00:04:49,729
Yes, I'm garbage disposal ponytail guy.

121
00:04:49,765 --> 00:04:51,865
So what, okay? We've all moved on.

122
00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:54,701
No, I mean the scooter event.
You look good in a bike helmet.

123
00:04:54,736 --> 00:04:55,836
Me? Good?

124
00:04:58,540 --> 00:05:02,409
Sorry, I'm laughing
because someone is tickling me.

125
00:05:02,444 --> 00:05:04,477
Dad, stop it! I'm your son!

126
00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:06,479
I hope you're coming to the game.

127
00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:08,715
I'd love to meet you in person.

128
00:05:08,750 --> 00:05:11,785
I'd... like that.

129
00:05:12,135 --> 00:05:15,603
Sorry, excuse me.
My dad's strangling me now.

130
00:05:15,628 --> 00:05:17,253
Dad, this is a workplace!

131
00:05:17,473 --> 00:05:18,937
Hey, you need to get me a new ID.

132
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,400
What, because of Nestor?

133
00:05:20,435 --> 00:05:21,601
He has weird ears

134
00:05:21,636 --> 00:05:23,636
and he's always, like,
looking in my bag.

135
00:05:23,672 --> 00:05:24,977
He's a security guard.

136
00:05:25,002 --> 00:05:27,036
Look, Mikaela, you and I
basically live at work,

137
00:05:27,061 --> 00:05:29,461
so I did the math... which
only I can say 'cause racism,

138
00:05:29,486 --> 00:05:31,652
and time is not on our side.

139
00:05:31,697 --> 00:05:33,797
Especially for one of us,
who's much older than me.

140
00:05:33,832 --> 00:05:34,931
By seven months.

141
00:05:34,967 --> 00:05:37,601
Statistically, we should be
married by age 29.5

142
00:05:37,636 --> 00:05:40,037
and I'll need at least a year
for my mom to lose the weight.

143
00:05:40,072 --> 00:05:41,738
What you saying, Tommy?

144
00:05:41,774 --> 00:05:44,241
We are going to meet
our spouses in this building.

145
00:05:44,276 --> 00:05:45,909
No! Here?

146
00:05:52,184 --> 00:05:54,117
The pool is too small.

147
00:05:54,153 --> 00:05:56,186
I don't want to be a stepmom
to a possum.

148
00:05:56,221 --> 00:05:58,655
It's a sugar glider, idiot.

149
00:05:58,690 --> 00:06:00,424
How are we supposed to meet anyone here?

150
00:06:00,459 --> 00:06:02,859
Ugh, I remember being single.

151
00:06:02,895 --> 00:06:05,128
Bread always going bad
before you could finish it.

152
00:06:05,164 --> 00:06:06,963
Waking up every day with only one side

153
00:06:06,999 --> 00:06:08,899
of the bed covered in sweat.

154
00:06:08,934 --> 00:06:11,034
But, now I have Emily.

155
00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:14,438
She works for the Dodgers,
and her hair sounds red.

156
00:06:14,473 --> 00:06:16,673
Jayden can't find love before us.

157
00:06:16,708 --> 00:06:19,476
Did you buy a monkey's paw?
What is happening?

158
00:06:19,511 --> 00:06:21,945
Come on, you need a new picture
and I am gonna

159
00:06:21,980 --> 00:06:24,448
beat this building
till the candy comes out.

160
00:06:24,483 --> 00:06:27,317
Over lunch, I was watching
some old Nolan Ryan videos

161
00:06:27,352 --> 00:06:30,120
and a Shonda Rhimes
master class on pitching.

162
00:06:30,155 --> 00:06:32,155
It wasn't what I thought it was, but...

163
00:06:32,191 --> 00:06:34,591
did you know she wanted "Grey's Anatomy"

164
00:06:34,626 --> 00:06:36,059
to be called "Surgeons"?

165
00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:37,594
That wouldn't have worked, Jayden!

166
00:06:37,629 --> 00:06:39,362
12 seasons, tops!

167
00:06:39,398 --> 00:06:40,430
Anyway, so for tomorrow

168
00:06:40,466 --> 00:06:42,632
I'm thinking a fastball,
right over the old middle.

169
00:06:42,660 --> 00:06:46,095
Okay, I've got your next
public safety initiative, sir.

170
00:06:46,138 --> 00:06:48,905
Do you know how many area scuba divers

171
00:06:48,941 --> 00:06:51,475
get accidentally scooped up
and dumped on wildfires?

172
00:06:51,510 --> 00:06:55,212
No one does, because
"Big Scuba" is covering it up.

173
00:06:55,247 --> 00:06:57,614
Arpi, can this wait until later?

174
00:06:57,649 --> 00:06:59,015
I'm in the middle of something here.

175
00:06:59,051 --> 00:07:02,152
Oh, you're practicing your pitch?

176
00:07:02,187 --> 00:07:04,654
Good idea. I'll leave you to it.

177
00:07:04,690 --> 00:07:07,057
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
Hold on a second.

178
00:07:07,092 --> 00:07:09,192
I know how much you love to see me fail,

179
00:07:09,228 --> 00:07:10,293
so I'm a little suspicious

180
00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:13,563
whenever you say something
I'm doing is a good idea.

181
00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:15,132
Fair enough. This is not a good idea.

182
00:07:15,167 --> 00:07:16,466
You're gonna hurt yourself.

183
00:07:16,502 --> 00:07:18,135
I am not. I'm an athlete.

184
00:07:18,170 --> 00:07:19,870
I ran the LA Marathon

185
00:07:19,905 --> 00:07:22,672
with no bleeding
or bathroom emergencies.

186
00:07:22,708 --> 00:07:24,508
You know when I run, my heart screams.

187
00:07:24,543 --> 00:07:26,209
- And when was that?
- I'll never forget.

188
00:07:26,245 --> 00:07:29,813
The celebrity starter was
the "Where's the Beef?" lady.

189
00:07:29,848 --> 00:07:31,348
Wow.

190
00:07:31,383 --> 00:07:34,151
Okay, yeah, that was, what, 1985?

191
00:07:34,186 --> 00:07:37,487
I'll be fine by tomorrow.
I've got 24 hours to work out.

192
00:07:37,523 --> 00:07:39,656
I'll do some long toss,

193
00:07:39,691 --> 00:07:42,425
some kettlebells,
that thing with the tire.

194
00:07:42,461 --> 00:07:43,894
You're delusional, sir.

195
00:07:43,929 --> 00:07:46,897
For the over-60 body,
there is no working out.

196
00:07:46,932 --> 00:07:48,431
There is only preservation.

197
00:07:48,467 --> 00:07:51,601
Eating antioxidant-rich
Himalayan nut butters,

198
00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:55,305
soaking in a cold pool
at your local Y-They-CA,

199
00:07:55,331 --> 00:07:59,233
taking NCIS-brand glucosamine gummies.

200
00:08:00,779 --> 00:08:03,346
How are you supposed to tell
it's shaped like Mark Harmon?

201
00:08:03,382 --> 00:08:04,848
He's not specific enough.

202
00:08:04,883 --> 00:08:07,050
Would you care to know
how I recently danced all night

203
00:08:07,085 --> 00:08:08,585
at my nephew Telvin's wedding

204
00:08:08,620 --> 00:08:11,054
to his girlfriend Lisa
and her partner Tawny?

205
00:08:11,089 --> 00:08:12,422
How, Arpi?

206
00:08:12,457 --> 00:08:15,125
By not even standing up
the whole week prior.

207
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:18,361
I was either in my bed, pow...
or a cold bath.

208
00:08:18,397 --> 00:08:19,329
And if you didn't stand up,

209
00:08:19,364 --> 00:08:21,798
how'd you get from the bed
to your bathroom?

210
00:08:21,833 --> 00:08:23,767
Child's pose on a Roomba, sir.

211
00:08:23,802 --> 00:08:25,769
Thank you for that story,

212
00:08:25,804 --> 00:08:27,470
Arpi, but I'm gonna be fine.

213
00:08:27,506 --> 00:08:30,173
Well... your funeral.

214
00:08:31,243 --> 00:08:33,510
Funeral? Nuh-uh!

215
00:08:33,545 --> 00:08:35,579
Tomorrow will be the opposite!
It'll be...

216
00:08:35,614 --> 00:08:37,647
it'll be a birth
because everyone's gonna say

217
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:39,249
that I'm a miracle,

218
00:08:39,284 --> 00:08:41,284
and they're gonna give me a free hat!

219
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,619
Absolutely not.

220
00:08:42,654 --> 00:08:43,987
But all we're asking for

221
00:08:44,022 --> 00:08:46,456
is a new ID photo for him,
and for me, a list

222
00:08:46,491 --> 00:08:48,291
of all the unmarried men
who work in this building

223
00:08:48,327 --> 00:08:49,926
as well as any men married
over seven years

224
00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:51,561
'cause that's when things get shaky.

225
00:08:51,597 --> 00:08:53,129
The answer is no.

226
00:08:53,165 --> 00:08:54,731
And don't bother going over my head

227
00:08:54,766 --> 00:08:57,000
because I have a sex tape
of my supervisor.

228
00:08:57,035 --> 00:08:58,902
Please! I work 18-hour days

229
00:08:58,937 --> 00:09:01,638
and my Grindr profile got
shut down for quoting Reagan!

230
00:09:01,673 --> 00:09:03,473
Next!

231
00:09:03,508 --> 00:09:05,008
Why are you like this?

232
00:09:05,043 --> 00:09:06,376
Because of people like you.

233
00:09:06,411 --> 00:09:09,312
I've worked here for 30 years,
and the only time anyone's paid

234
00:09:09,348 --> 00:09:11,848
any attention to me
is when they want something.

235
00:09:11,883 --> 00:09:14,150
"Oh, I don't like my picture."

236
00:09:14,186 --> 00:09:17,687
"Oh, I'm horny, I want to do
the whole building."

237
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,489
- Why is my voice deeper?
- That is a good Mikaela.

238
00:09:19,524 --> 00:09:21,191
I come in every day and do my job,

239
00:09:21,226 --> 00:09:22,492
and no one gives a damn!

240
00:09:22,527 --> 00:09:24,294
No one appreciates me.

241
00:09:24,329 --> 00:09:28,164
But Barb in maintenance
gets an Applebee's gift card

242
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,700
for her 15th work-iversary!

243
00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:32,736
- Look, we all hate Barb...
- No, you're right.

244
00:09:32,771 --> 00:09:33,737
- We're sorry.
- What? No!

245
00:09:33,772 --> 00:09:35,171
- Bye-bye.
- Stop it.

246
00:09:35,207 --> 00:09:36,773
Your hands are greasy
and this is Armami.

247
00:09:36,808 --> 00:09:38,708
- Did you say "Armami"?
- Maybe.

248
00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:39,976
Sir?

249
00:09:40,012 --> 00:09:41,444
Arpi here.

250
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:42,612
It's later, like you said,

251
00:09:42,648 --> 00:09:46,349
so can we talk about my scuba
diver safety initiative?

252
00:09:46,385 --> 00:09:49,319
I think I found one
who got dumped on a fire.

253
00:09:49,354 --> 00:09:51,488
His name was Henry Totts.

254
00:09:51,523 --> 00:09:54,257
His teeth and a tank were found
on a Montecito hillside.

255
00:09:54,293 --> 00:09:55,925
Sir?

256
00:09:55,961 --> 00:09:58,261
Over here.

257
00:10:02,601 --> 00:10:03,700
Don't gloat.

258
00:10:03,735 --> 00:10:05,101
Too late.

259
00:10:05,137 --> 00:10:06,369
What'd you do, Arnold?

260
00:10:06,405 --> 00:10:09,706
Bench too much press?
Max out on supersets?

261
00:10:09,741 --> 00:10:12,275
I sneezed and threw my back out.

262
00:10:12,311 --> 00:10:15,345
I've been lying here
for an hour with that guy

263
00:10:15,380 --> 00:10:19,015
staring down at me,
whispering, "Join me in death."

264
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:23,019
That is Alpheus P. Hodges,
first mayor of Los Angeles.

265
00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:25,055
He was also the very
first person to complain

266
00:10:25,090 --> 00:10:26,823
that there's no good pizza out here.

267
00:10:28,860 --> 00:10:31,328
Do you know how easily
I could kill you right now?

268
00:10:32,831 --> 00:10:34,964
I'm just saying, you're in
no condition to throw anything.

269
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,499
I'll tell Mikaela to cancel.

270
00:10:36,535 --> 00:10:39,135
- No, I have to do this.
- No, you don't!

271
00:10:39,171 --> 00:10:40,603
No one will even notice if you cancel.

272
00:10:40,639 --> 00:10:42,472
We'll just say you're doing
something with the troops.

273
00:10:42,507 --> 00:10:44,341
It's like a period;
it gets you out of anything.

274
00:10:44,376 --> 00:10:47,377
No, I... I have to do this for me.

275
00:10:49,681 --> 00:10:52,615
My grandfather, Felix Bremer,

276
00:10:52,651 --> 00:10:55,218
he was a pickle salesman.

277
00:10:55,253 --> 00:10:57,887
Have you ever tried to lift
a barrel of pickles, Arpi?

278
00:10:57,923 --> 00:11:00,290
Let alone carry one up
a flight of tenement stairs

279
00:11:00,325 --> 00:11:03,860
only to be told,
"We don't care for pickles"?

280
00:11:03,895 --> 00:11:06,730
Even in his 70s, he never left a room

281
00:11:06,765 --> 00:11:09,766
without clicking his heels as if to say,

282
00:11:09,801 --> 00:11:11,634
"I still got it."

283
00:11:11,670 --> 00:11:13,703
And then one day, he put his hat on,

284
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:15,405
and he walked out the front parlor,

285
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,441
and he couldn't do it.

286
00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:21,177
Couldn't click his heels.

287
00:11:21,213 --> 00:11:24,047
In that moment, he died.

288
00:11:24,082 --> 00:11:26,149
And then three months later,
he really died

289
00:11:26,184 --> 00:11:28,051
riding "The Cyclone" on Coney Island.

290
00:11:28,086 --> 00:11:30,120
It just shot him right into the ocean.

291
00:11:30,155 --> 00:11:32,288
He was only 74.

292
00:11:32,324 --> 00:11:33,690
Two years older than me.

293
00:11:33,725 --> 00:11:36,292
If I can't throw a damn baseball,

294
00:11:36,328 --> 00:11:38,128
that's my heel click.

295
00:11:38,163 --> 00:11:42,465
Well, I can relate
to the horrors of aging.

296
00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:44,234
I'm starting to look more and more

297
00:11:44,269 --> 00:11:45,969
like my father in a wig.

298
00:11:46,004 --> 00:11:47,837
And Lord knows I'm not rooting for you,

299
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:50,940
but I don't need you
humiliating the office.

300
00:11:50,976 --> 00:11:54,277
A position once held by that man.

301
00:11:54,312 --> 00:11:56,146
The inventor of the beach party.

302
00:11:56,181 --> 00:11:58,815
Then help me. Arpi, please.

303
00:11:58,850 --> 00:12:00,116
All right!

304
00:12:00,152 --> 00:12:02,419
We're gonna need a cold pool, stat.

305
00:12:02,454 --> 00:12:05,288
My Y has an ADHD teen swim right now,

306
00:12:05,323 --> 00:12:06,689
but I know the receptionist.

307
00:12:06,725 --> 00:12:10,026
I'm not going to a Y.
My own home has a pool.

308
00:12:10,061 --> 00:12:11,594
We'll use... what are you doing?

309
00:12:11,630 --> 00:12:13,229
Okay, we just need
to get you to the car.

310
00:12:14,566 --> 00:12:16,329
Sir, do you have a Roomba?

311
00:12:16,548 --> 00:12:18,044
Not so fast, not so fast.

312
00:12:18,069 --> 00:12:21,039
Ugh! This place makes me sick.

313
00:12:21,064 --> 00:12:22,977
The 1% and their castles.

314
00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:25,811
0.01%, Arpi.

315
00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:27,616
I'm not a lawyer or something.

316
00:12:27,641 --> 00:12:29,481
All right, money bags.

317
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:31,783
Let's get you ready
for your stupid pitch.

318
00:12:38,359 --> 00:12:40,626
Stiller! Less motion!

319
00:12:43,731 --> 00:12:46,231
Good, again!

320
00:12:46,267 --> 00:12:47,933
Open.

321
00:12:50,304 --> 00:12:51,603
Do not chew.

322
00:12:51,639 --> 00:12:53,639
Let Michael Weatherly dissolve.

323
00:12:53,674 --> 00:12:55,173
Meditate!

324
00:12:55,209 --> 00:12:57,576
Do not judge
that you are having thoughts.

325
00:12:57,611 --> 00:13:00,979
Simply acknowledge them
and let them pass!

326
00:13:02,716 --> 00:13:03,682
Again!

327
00:13:03,717 --> 00:13:05,550
Yeah, this girl saw
a modeling photo of me

328
00:13:05,586 --> 00:13:06,885
on a scooter and she was like,

329
00:13:06,921 --> 00:13:08,754
"I need to get all up
under that helmet."

330
00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:12,691
So we're gonna go out later
to a baseball game.

331
00:13:12,726 --> 00:13:13,926
Which is dangerous.

332
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:16,595
'Cause all those bases are
just begging to be gotten to.

333
00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:18,997
But it's a first date, so I
doubt she'll bring her parents.

334
00:13:19,033 --> 00:13:21,566
She'll probably just bring
some uncles, you know?

335
00:13:21,602 --> 00:13:23,602
- Hey, what's up, Barry?
- Hello.

336
00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:25,304
What are you doing striding in?

337
00:13:25,339 --> 00:13:26,805
Is that a spring in your step?

338
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,473
You did it, Arpi. I feel great!

339
00:13:28,509 --> 00:13:30,609
I didn't do anything! Not yet.

340
00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,277
Now drop and give me nothing!

341
00:13:32,313 --> 00:13:34,846
Okay.

342
00:13:35,549 --> 00:13:37,316
Mayor, they're all ready

343
00:13:37,351 --> 00:13:38,984
for you in the briefing room.

344
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:40,319
What? Who is?

345
00:13:40,354 --> 00:13:41,920
Oh, no. Did you forget?

346
00:13:41,956 --> 00:13:44,456
You have a lot going on
for someone your age.

347
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:45,757
It's all right, sir.
I remember when my Lola

348
00:13:45,793 --> 00:13:47,626
started putting shoes
in the refrigerator.

349
00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:50,128
Today is the recognition
ceremony for employees

350
00:13:50,164 --> 00:13:52,998
who have worked at City Hall
for 30 years or longer?

351
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:55,200
No, of course I... of course I remember.

352
00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:58,170
I've got a mind like a steel...

353
00:13:58,205 --> 00:14:01,840
what's that thing that catches rats?

354
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:02,874
Tornk.

355
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:06,311
Yep... no, no. Snatcher.

356
00:14:06,347 --> 00:14:08,847
Yeah, I got a mind
like a steel snatcher.

357
00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:10,048
I prepared some remarks

358
00:14:10,084 --> 00:14:11,516
for you as we discussed yesterday.

359
00:14:11,552 --> 00:14:14,553
I know! Very productive day, Tommy.

360
00:14:14,588 --> 00:14:16,955
Oh, yeah, this is good.

361
00:14:16,991 --> 00:14:21,660
"30 years ago,
Daniela, the ID badge lady,

362
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:24,329
"came to City Hall with a dream.

363
00:14:24,365 --> 00:14:27,566
"A dream of photographing employees

364
00:14:27,601 --> 00:14:30,202
"and then printing out IDs for them.

365
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:31,770
And boy, did she ever!"

366
00:14:31,805 --> 00:14:33,939
Her computer logs out
in 30 seconds, move!

367
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,707
I'm actually more motivated
by compliments,

368
00:14:35,743 --> 00:14:37,342
so you might want to adjust your tone.

369
00:14:37,378 --> 00:14:40,012
"Daniela was born in the 20th century.

370
00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:42,814
"The century that brought us
The Rolling Stones,

371
00:14:42,850 --> 00:14:47,452
"the Roaring '20s,
low rise jeans, the hula hoop,

372
00:14:47,488 --> 00:14:50,088
"flip phones, and way before that...

373
00:14:50,124 --> 00:14:51,523
"regular phones.

374
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:54,459
"From the Menendez brothers
to the Williams sisters,

375
00:14:54,495 --> 00:14:57,696
"we'll proof it later,
just print it, Tommy.

376
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,499
Or should we write more
just to be safe?"

377
00:15:03,404 --> 00:15:06,104
Male, unmarried.

378
00:15:06,140 --> 00:15:07,606
Classic or bad boy?

379
00:15:07,641 --> 00:15:10,042
- They look the same!
- One has a finer gauge check!

380
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:11,309
"But Daniela is so much more

381
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:14,413
"than just the girl version...

382
00:15:14,448 --> 00:15:15,814
of Daniel."

383
00:15:15,849 --> 00:15:17,249
This thing is so slow!

384
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:18,850
Red carpet Bob Iger!

385
00:15:18,886 --> 00:15:21,853
Prince Harry wasn't expecting you.

386
00:15:21,889 --> 00:15:23,822
Naughty Mitt Romney.

387
00:15:23,857 --> 00:15:26,792
"So now let's enjoy a visual tribute..."

388
00:15:26,827 --> 00:15:27,726
Oh, great!

389
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:31,229
"To Daniela's phenomenal career."

390
00:15:31,265 --> 00:15:33,365
Look at you, Daniela.

391
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:37,869
Oh, they're all stunning but
they tell different stories!

392
00:15:37,905 --> 00:15:39,104
Just pick one!

393
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:40,739
"Which is why today,

394
00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:46,144
ID stands for 'Incredible Daniela.'"

395
00:15:49,917 --> 00:15:51,283
Enjoy!

396
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,387
- Tommy!
- It's printing!

397
00:16:02,896 --> 00:16:04,262
- Okay, where do we go?
- I don't know!

398
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:31,186
Next!

399
00:16:32,812 --> 00:16:34,346
Jayden?

400
00:16:34,381 --> 00:16:36,214
- It's Emily.
- Emily, hi!

401
00:16:36,250 --> 00:16:39,050
Hi!

402
00:16:39,287 --> 00:16:40,753
You're even cuter in person.

403
00:16:40,778 --> 00:16:42,244
- So are you.
- Oh!

404
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:44,413
I Googled you back.
I guess that elderly woman

405
00:16:44,449 --> 00:16:46,582
in Van Nuys with your name isn't you.

406
00:16:46,617 --> 00:16:47,675
I'll probably still be a gentleman

407
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:49,425
and take her to the audiologist
on Thursday,

408
00:16:49,454 --> 00:16:50,653
but just as friends.

409
00:16:52,457 --> 00:16:53,656
Wasn't kidding.

410
00:16:53,691 --> 00:16:55,024
Oh, are you ready, Mr. Mayor?

411
00:16:55,059 --> 00:16:56,926
Oh, he's ready, all right.
If he were a turkey,

412
00:16:56,961 --> 00:16:59,695
he'd be golden brown
and slick with juices.

413
00:16:59,731 --> 00:17:00,896
- Mikaela?
- Sir,

414
00:17:00,932 --> 00:17:03,933
we have an issue with SafeLA.

415
00:17:03,968 --> 00:17:05,901
There's a citywide lice outbreak

416
00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:09,038
and the Health Department has
traced it back to our helmets.

417
00:17:09,073 --> 00:17:10,439
Lice?

418
00:17:10,475 --> 00:17:12,241
Okay, I guess

419
00:17:12,276 --> 00:17:14,777
the city can provide
medicated shampoo for anyone...

420
00:17:14,812 --> 00:17:17,913
It's not that simple, sir.
It's causing accidents.

421
00:17:17,949 --> 00:17:20,916
Sir, this is as bad as it is hilarious.

422
00:17:20,952 --> 00:17:24,120
Also, it turns out "Safela"
is a pretty problematic

423
00:17:24,155 --> 00:17:27,456
Latin drag queen,
so the hashtag is messy.

424
00:17:27,492 --> 00:17:30,659
Now Twitter is riled up and
the "LA Times" is calling.

425
00:17:30,695 --> 00:17:33,129
So, in other words,
my first safety initiative

426
00:17:33,164 --> 00:17:35,931
has caused a, what, Scooter-pocalypse?

427
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:38,134
The good news is, we actually
could distract people

428
00:17:38,169 --> 00:17:40,102
from this story if...

429
00:17:40,138 --> 00:17:43,139
you throw a truly terrible pitch.

430
00:17:43,174 --> 00:17:44,807
What? No!

431
00:17:44,842 --> 00:17:47,143
No, I'm not gonna do that.
That's ridiculous.

432
00:17:47,178 --> 00:17:48,778
She wants you to biff the pitch?

433
00:17:48,813 --> 00:17:50,479
Smart. A humiliating throw

434
00:17:50,515 --> 00:17:52,181
will distract the sheep for sure.

435
00:17:52,216 --> 00:17:55,151
Or, what if I threw out
the best first pitch ever,

436
00:17:55,186 --> 00:17:57,987
and then everyone will be
talking about how cool it was.

437
00:17:58,022 --> 00:17:59,722
Right, 'cause that's how the internet,

438
00:17:59,757 --> 00:18:01,490
local news, and human nature work.

439
00:18:01,526 --> 00:18:03,592
Celebrating the good in us all. Grow up!

440
00:18:03,628 --> 00:18:06,829
I don't want to look old and weak.

441
00:18:06,864 --> 00:18:08,631
I don't want to be Felix Bremer.

442
00:18:08,666 --> 00:18:11,333
Sir, no one is saying
this has to be weak.

443
00:18:11,369 --> 00:18:15,004
It just has to be, in some way,
extremely incorrect.

444
00:18:15,039 --> 00:18:16,772
What about, you know, the office?

445
00:18:16,808 --> 00:18:18,641
I'm not asking you
to humiliate the office.

446
00:18:18,676 --> 00:18:21,911
I'm asking you to humiliate...

447
00:18:27,385 --> 00:18:28,818
Someone.

448
00:18:28,853 --> 00:18:30,219
I started getting super itchy

449
00:18:30,254 --> 00:18:32,455
ever since I went in that IKEA ball pit.

450
00:18:32,490 --> 00:18:34,056
You ever been in one? It's fun.

451
00:18:35,393 --> 00:18:37,359
Smell weird, but they're fun.

452
00:18:37,395 --> 00:18:38,761
Your attention, please.

453
00:18:38,796 --> 00:18:40,896
Throwing out today's first pitch,

454
00:18:40,932 --> 00:18:46,869
the 43rd Mayor of Los Angeles,
Mayor Neil Bremer!

455
00:18:51,843 --> 00:18:54,844
So later on, I'm thinking maybe Popeyes?

456
00:18:54,879 --> 00:18:57,012
Or we could watch a different
cartoon if you want.

457
00:18:57,048 --> 00:18:57,713
Okay.

458
00:18:57,748 --> 00:18:59,215
Okay, all right!

459
00:18:59,250 --> 00:19:00,216
All right!

460
00:19:06,424 --> 00:19:08,157
Sorry, pal.

461
00:19:08,192 --> 00:19:10,793
- He looks so good.
- I know, he is a natural.

462
00:19:10,828 --> 00:19:12,995
Oh!

463
00:19:13,030 --> 00:19:14,530
Oh, my area!

464
00:19:17,869 --> 00:19:20,336
Now that's how you make an omelet.

465
00:19:20,371 --> 00:19:22,371
- Jayden, are you okay?
- Get away from me!

466
00:19:22,406 --> 00:19:23,772
Call my pediatrician!

467
00:19:39,457 --> 00:19:41,190
Oooh.

468
00:19:43,661 --> 00:19:44,693
Oh.

469
00:19:45,696 --> 00:19:46,862
Next!

470
00:19:50,801 --> 00:19:53,702
Well, I overshot it.

471
00:19:53,738 --> 00:19:55,905
Damn, Gina!

472
00:19:55,940 --> 00:19:59,775
Yeah, this is not the burger
they show in the ad.

473
00:19:59,810 --> 00:20:00,943
I'm gonna die alone.

474
00:20:00,978 --> 00:20:02,745
Like a dog lost in a Kardashian house.

475
00:20:02,780 --> 00:20:04,179
Well, we can share a casket.

476
00:20:04,215 --> 00:20:06,015
I went through this whole thing
last night.

477
00:20:06,050 --> 00:20:08,083
The top three straight
bachelors in City Hall

478
00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:10,786
are Neil, Jayden, and sugar glider guy.

479
00:20:10,821 --> 00:20:13,289
Sorry, but I'm married to my hobby...

480
00:20:13,324 --> 00:20:17,993
posing sugar gliders
in dioramas of old Hollywood.

481
00:20:18,029 --> 00:20:22,031
Why are our lives so much
harder than other people's?

482
00:20:22,066 --> 00:20:24,571
- Morning, Jayden.
- Not great, to be honest.

483
00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:26,735
Emily won't respond to any
of the Mark McGrath

484
00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:27,926
cameos I got for her.

485
00:20:28,014 --> 00:20:30,264
And the insurance company
won't pay for my vaginal mesh

486
00:20:30,289 --> 00:20:31,756
because I'm a boy!

487
00:20:31,781 --> 00:20:33,225
But that's just what they call it!

488
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,248
No foolin', mesh is mesh!

489
00:20:38,418 --> 00:20:41,053
I'm glad you work here, buddy.

490
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:42,620
Wait, do you still have lice?

491
00:20:42,705 --> 00:20:46,926
It was a penis hospital,
not a hair hospital, Mikaela!

492
00:20:50,430 --> 00:20:51,664
Oh, whoa!

493
00:20:51,698 --> 00:20:52,865
Oh!

494
00:20:52,899 --> 00:20:55,001
I think it went inside.

495
00:20:55,035 --> 00:20:56,769
Make me sneeze so it pops out again!

496
00:20:56,803 --> 00:20:59,272
Oh, God exists and he's mean!

497
00:20:59,306 --> 00:21:01,040
Call my mommy!

498
00:21:01,074 --> 00:21:02,908
She's in my phone under "aunt"

499
00:21:02,943 --> 00:21:04,844
'cause I just found out
the truth last week.

500
00:21:04,878 --> 00:21:07,647
Way to protect me from nothing,
Superman unterhose!

501
00:21:07,681 --> 00:21:09,081
Oh, peepee concussion!

502
00:21:09,116 --> 00:21:11,550
This is not how best friends
treat each other!

503
00:21:11,585 --> 00:21:14,153
I broke my penis at Dodger Stadium!

504
00:21:14,208 --> 00:21:19,208
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com