I read this thing.
It said that back in the 1800s,
women had so little standing in society
that if a woman murdered someone,
they could arrest her husband, like it was his fault,
'cause they considered that in law
she was literally incapable.
They thought women had no capacity for morals
or common sense or anything.
Which meant the husband was responsible
for everything she did.
So, if the wife murdered someone,
her husband could be hanged.
Oh, don't give her ideas.
- I wish. - Lucy, tell your mum,
don't get ideas now, I'm not safe.
As soon as you get there,
you bring that law back fast as you can.
- I'll have a word. - Good boy.
Well, he's not the Lord bloody Chancellor.
He's gonna study the law, not make it.
Well, give him time.
No! Definition of a barrister is a servant of the law!
He's leaving home to buckle down and work hard,
that's the point.
Oh, I meant to say,
I'll go through your wardrobe next week.
There's stuff in there from when you were 12.
It can all go.
But just leave it, I'll sort it out when I come back.
Oh, that's not till Christmas.
Yeah, but I know where everything is.
Well, I won't go mad.
Anything nice I'll put to one side.
But I can move everything out and give it a good scrub.
All the corners.
Maybe even paint it.
By the time you come back, it'll be like new. Hm.
www.subtitulamos.tv
I'll give you a call and let you know the number.
I mean it. It's different on the mainland.
If you see something left on the bus or a tube,
anything left on its own, don't touch it, all right?
There's some things your mother didn't pack.
I don't want you getting some girl in trouble.
But make sure they all get used.
Your mother's right, it is different on the mainland.
It's a lot more fun.
So what's all that about then?
- How'd you mean? - Your dad.
Past week he's been picking you up every night.
Oh, he's working round the corner,
he likes going for a pint, that's all.
All right then. Well, have one for me, yeah?
Right, I'll see you tomorrow.
See ya.
Who's he?
That's not fair. I can't help working with men, can I?
_
Father, forgive my son, Roscoe.
He has fallen into the pit of sodomy. Save him, oh, Lord.
Uncle Basil's here. I warned you.
He's gonna take you home.
Look, there's 120 quid, it's all I've got.
Just take it and go.
But, go where?
I don't know.
You're the one with the secret little friends, aren't you?
Go to them, I don't care.
Uncle Basil can't take me out the country,
not if I say no.
If you cause trouble,
he says the whole family can go back to Nigeria and I'm not!
I won't!
You're not gonna ruin my life too.
Roscoe, if they send you back home,
they will beat you and bleed you.
In the name of God, they will kill you.
And then they'll throw your body into the forest
and leave you for the animals.
You stupid little kid.
Uncle Basil's downstairs.
Just run.
Run.
It goes without saying,
but if you need me to make the journey alongside you,
I would be more than happy.
It would be an honor.
That would help. Thank you.
Given the time of arrival,
some people choose to stay in Lagos for the first night,
but if you take my advice,
get him out of the city as fast as you can.
I can get you a car and a driver, it's easily done.
But that's an additional cost, on top of the rest.
The society would help, that's why they exist.
You fall, they catch you with open arms.
But it could take months to heal the boy.
How do I cope with Oscar away and no money coming in?
Again, the society's there.
We have anticipated everything.
What is he doing?
Your son has the devil in him tonight, Rosa.
That's exactly the problem.
What in the name of the Lord?
I'm going now.
So thank you very much and if you need to forward any mail,
I'll be staying at 23 Piss Off Avenue, London W Fuck.
Thank you and goodbye.
No! No, no!
Don't go! No, no!
Roscoe! Come back here!
Roscoe! Roscoe, come back here!
Roscoe! Come back here!
If you leave now, you don't come back.
Roscoe!
Hello.
Well, don't just stand there,
in you come, that's a good lad.
Now then, I went through everything with your mother,
but first things first.
There's the telephone and there's a jotter on the side
so you can make a list of any calls.
Just write the duration
and whether it was before or after 6:00 p.m.
Oh, that's the family, that's Mike and my lad, Ross.
Colin's arrived, boys.
We can all have a cup of tea once you've settled in.
And breakfast is included.
If you've got a radio or a tape deck,
then not past 10:00 p.m.
And it's a cheque every Friday morning.
That's the inventory.
And, obviously, no girls in the room.
Goes without saying.
It's nice though, isn't it?
Lovely. Thank you very much.
Oh, and there's, "Lovely." How funny.
I learn something new every day.
I have to memorize all the Oxford and Cambridge ties,
'cause all the different colleges have got a different tie.
But I did it.
Well, you've always had a good memory,
I could have told them that.
I remember you revising.
You'd learn whole chapters off by heart.
What's it like outside of work? Is it nice?
- Yeah. - You making friends?
Yeah.
There now, lucky them, I say.
What do you do, go for drinks?
Yeah, sometimes.
You going out tonight?
Yeah.
Oh, nice, where you off?
I don't know, anywhere.
There's a million pubs and things, we go all over,
it's brilliant.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye-bye.
And well done for today.
Oh, it was all Mr. Coltrane's doing.
I don't think they stood a chance.
Just doing my job, sir.
Well, congratulations.
Colin, if you could just stay behind.
Take your jacket off.
It's all about tiny little particles of cotton.
They get under the fingernails,
they can get into the bloodstream.
Tiny little fibers, burrowing in.
So, you've got to wash.
At the end of every day, give yourself a good scrub.
Fingernails, between the fingers.
Don't forget the thumbs.
Otherwise, all those fibers can get inside.
Come on.
Well, start washing.
I want to see your technique.
Fingernails and thumbs.
Come here.
All those tiny fibers, eliminate them.
Every single dirty little bugger.
Come on, take your shirt off.
Come on, shirt off.
Huh?
You gotta take the arm and you've got to clean it.
And clean it again.
Got that, Colin? Clean it and clean it again.
Clean it and clean it again.
And clean it, and clean it again.
Clean it, and clean it again!
And then under the arm.
Sorry,
I had that Penhaligon account going through my head,
so I thought I'd do a little bit of homework
if that's all right?
I was teaching Colin cleanliness.
Absolutely.
Got that?
Yes, sir.
I'll see you two bright and early.
If he says anything,
if he even suggests little extramural activity,
just give me the nod.
I can always find ways to introduce his wife
into the conversation.
I've got to say, he does pick them very well.
Mr. Hart does tend to know, if you see what I mean?
Where are you from?
Llangorse, it's in South Wales.
I guessed it would be, you give that away slightly.
But I don't suppose there's a girlfriend
waiting back home in Wales, is there?
Perhaps a boyfriend?
No.
But would there be? If you could?
You don't have to worry about me.
I'm not remotely interested.
If you insist on asking,
and really I can't get a word in edgeways with you,
dear God.
But I live in Hackney
with a very nice man from the Algarve
and we've been together for decades,
so you're perfectly safe with me, Colin Morris Jones.
Really though. Perfectly safe.
So there isn't?
A boyfriend?
No.
But you'd like there to be?
Yes.
Oh my, God.
Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.
Another pint for the bender, please!
So, the other day I was talking to my friend,
and he said they found 41 men with this cancer thing
and they all died at the same time in New York
and they were all gay.
What, they all died on the same day?
Yeah, that's what it said,
'cause my uncle lives in Brooklyn.
He said all 41 had exactly the same cancer.
What?
His name's Ash.
He's from Welwyn Garden City and he's a bender,
so you're in with a chance.
No, I was just looking at your class.
It looked like fun.
What are you, English and drama?
Yeah, first year.
'Cause I did plays at school.
I loved it, I was quite good.
I thought about doing drama for a while.
I'm Ritchie, by the way.
And I'm Jill.
Do you wanna meet him then? Ash?
I'm not, I wasn't, I was just literally looking.
So, you're not gay then?
No!
Oh, my God, no!
I'm more like bisexual really,
'cause, you know, then you can fancy anyone in the room.
Walk into a party, there's double the choice.
Well, it's no good telling me, tell him.
Ash! Over here.
Say hello, don't be stupid,
he's nice, he's sweet, he's funny.
This is Ritchie, he says he's bisexual
so he can have sex with you or me, so what do you wanna do?
Wrestle for him?
You need a bit of a wash.
I had a shower this morning.
No, down there, your ass, you need a good wash, okay?
Thanks for that.
Sure.
So, do you still want...
It's kind of gone now.
Yeah, that's all right. I have to get back anyway.
Was that your first time?
No.
Did you think I was exotic?
No. What does that mean?
You're born and bred on the Isle of Wight.
Do they have any Indians?
There's like one family.
Oh, my God.
They live in Wootton Bridge.
Every time we drive past them, my dad says,
"There they are."
Not being offensive, just, "There they are."
So what's he say about you?
Oh, my God, he doesn't know.
They'd kill me.
Both of them, they'd chuck me out.
I'm not kidding.
I have to sit there, not saying a word.
Dreaming of Steve Austin.
Oh, God, yeah.
Honestly, I'm so frustrated.
I used to fancy Stretch Armstrong.
I did. It's those little trunks.
Did you see, they gave Stretch Armstrong a dog,
he's called Fetch Armstrong.
I saw that.
I always thought Stretch Armstrong
should have a dirty old uncle, Lech Armstrong.
Lech, that's brilliant.
It's good, isn't it?
I did it with this guy, he was like a real Lech Armstrong.
He was 37 years old.
Oh, my God. Imagine telling your parents that?
And it's even worse for you,
coming from your background, you know?
Like, with your parents. I mean, what are you, Hindus?
You must be Hindus I suppose, is that right?
Or Muslims? No, Hindus, you'll be Hindus.
Are you? Or Muslims, no Buddhists.
Are you Buddhists?
No, it's Hindus, isn't it?
Hindi, Hindu. Hindis?
I'll see you around.
Oh, my God, how did it go?
I'm sorry.
Daft sod.
I was 18 years old and I got a job at Gatwick.
I was a ramp agent and he was cabin crew with Iberia.
He loved my job title.
He used to say, "Are you rampagent?"
and I would say, "Yes, I'm very rampagent,
"thank you very much."
Then that went on for a bit.
And then one day, we got the train back
to a little bedsit I had then and he walked me to the door
and he stepped inside and then he never left.
30 years ago.
He'll undoubtedly try to be funny
and he will say something blue, this is inevitable.
Hello. Oh, this must be Colin.
Excellent.
You strip him naked and I'll shave his little bum
and then I'm gonna use the clothes pegs.
What did I say?
First prize for predictability.
Good evening, sexy legs.
Hello.
Come on in. Come on.
If you think that's funny, wait, wait, wait,
there's more, there's more.
And I said, "Where do you think you're going, mister, huh?"
And he turned round and you're never gonna guess what.
- What? - It was the same man!
Again!
Mm!
I liked it though. It was more fun when it was illegal.
But, what about your neighbors?
Do they know, about you?
No. We are secret.
When I leave the house, I dress like a lady.
Stop it.
They know. They've always known.
Yeah.
It's like the official history of the world
says that men like us have always been
hidden away in secret,
but then there's the real world where we've been living,
together, for all this time.
What about your families? Do...
Well, I've moved on from them.
How do you mean?
I've moved on.
But my mother, she comes over.
She doesn't ask.
All these years, not a single question.
There's only two bedrooms, she stays in the spare room,
Henry's in with me.
So what does she think?
But, she says nothing.
She loves him like I do, no problem at all.
Right?
Will you be in the room when I tell them?
No, you've gotta do this on your own.
Take a deep breath and tell 'em the truth.
Here we are. It's not much.
It's a bit rubbish round here.
Shut up. It's nice.
Thanks, Lucy.
Have you locked it?
Is she all right?
Oh, she's always in a mood.
Oh, who's that strange man in my house?
I don't know you.
Clive! Call the police!
I made it. Merry Christmas.
Oh, thanks.
Right. Oh, you must be Jill.
He never said. Where are you from?
Just outside Woking.
But, originally, what's your, what's your, what's your
heritage?
My dad's from Dominica in the Caribbean.
Well, it doesn't bother us.
Flag of all nations in this house.
Is there anything you don't eat?
No, I'll be fine, thank you.
But, we do have rules. Separate bedrooms.
Sorry, sunshine, but not under my roof.
And I don't wanna hear any creaking floorboards at midnight,
do you understand?
I know all the tricks.
Right, no, you stay there.
I'll clear up, I'll give these a rinse.
Oh no, you sit down, you're a guest.
I don't mind, honestly, Anne. Ritchie needs a word.
Over to you.
Well, what does that mean? Word about what?
Oh, you're kidding me?
Is this what I think it is?
Like, she's not pregnant?
No!
Oh, thank God for that. Well, what is it then?
Okay.
So, thing is, I've been thinking,
past few months, about my life and all sorts of things,
so I've made a decision and I just wanna explain it to you.
I'm not doing law.
I'm changing to drama.
It's drama with English
so, you know, there's proper academic work,
but it's a drama course, really, and I think it's more me.
Oh, you little idiot.
No, but it's my choice
and I'm sorry but that's what I'm doing.
Well, I think you'll find you're not.
It's already done.
It's only been a term so they said I could swap.
What about your grant, eh? Did you think about that?
You don't get a grant for bloody drama.
Drama with a view to what?
What are you gonna do with it?
I'm gonna be an actor.
You are so pathetic.
Oh, that's it, that's royal, that is.
That is bloody excellent.
Stupid little dreamer!
Suppose this was your idea.
No.
Yeah, I mean, you just opened it up for him, didn't you?
Your sweetness.
Happy New Year!
Woo!
Woo! Woo!
And this is my best friend, Jill.
No, I'm sorry, no.
As drag goes, that is completely unconvincing.
He needs a good shave!
Look at the five o'clock shadow, he's so manly.
I'm the only one who is.
She's camper than me.
That cold came back, Juan Pablo.
Do you remember, he had that silly little cough
when the airline went bust, then again in April,
now it's back.
It's hard to tell though,
he does make a three-act play of it.
They've taken him into hospital.
Oh, sorry.
Is he all right?
Yeah, fuss over nothing.
They said it was pneumonia,
then they said it was like something
you get from birds in his lungs.
They said it was strange,
they said it was some kind of psittacosis.
What, like you get in parrots?
That's what they said.
You haven't got a parrot, have you?
Of course, we haven't got a fucking parrot!
She sat me down and she said,
"Has he been in contact with any birds?"
I said, "No." I mean, what sort of question is that?
Birds.
But, people don't get psittacosis, do they?
I don't know.
Except there he is.
It's ridiculous.
Hello, good morning.
Oh, Colin, you'll have to work
through your lunch I'm afraid.
Mr. Coltrane's off sick, so you'll have to cover.
Is that all right?
Yeah, that's fine. Thank you.
I think the referee,
Mr. Sims, is telling him, one more chance.
So, a free-kick
just outside the Rovers' box.
Big guys are coming up from the back.
Colin, this is Mr. Brewster.
He'll be standing in for Mr. Coltrane,
just till he gets better.
Right. Hello.
Henry? It's me, Colin!
Mr. Brewster will be joining us on a permanent basis
to replace Mr. Coltrane.
Welcome on board, you'll make a very good team.
You're wasting your time, love.
He went into hospital last week. Henry.
Ambulance. Four in the morning.
Bad chest or something.
Right, thanks.
What about Juan Pablo?
The other one, his friend.
Bloody Argie. He can go home.
Excuse me. I'm looking for Henry Coltrane?
They told me he was here.
It's family only.
I know, they said. I'm his nephew.
Here we are.
Henry? You have a visitor.
They said it could have been there for years,
sitting on my chest.
This bit popped up to have a look.
And it's cancer?
But why do I need all these?
I mean, cancer's not infectious.
It's to protect me, not you.
- Oh. - Idiot.
Except, they said, it's odd, they said,
"You'd expect this if you were 90 or Jewish or Turkish."
But it's not the same thing as Juan Pablo?
No. It's bad luck.
Two of us getting sick at the same time.
Where is he?
He's gone
to Portugal.
His mother descended.
"I'm taking him home." Hm.
I've tried writing, but I can't phone Portugal from here.
I keep thinking,
we had mold in the kitchen, a little strip of mold.
We had the damp course done,
we had it replastered and painted it.
I painted it with zinc.
But it kept coming back.
I was at war with this little strip.
I just keep thinking,
was it the mold?
On the chest.
Two of us just breathing it in.
Lunch.
Could you?
Don't they bring it in?
No. They do not.
What time do you think you'll be back?
I lock the front door at 10.
I might not. I might stay out all night.
Thank you.
Now cheer the fuck up.
You're dragging the whole place down.
And did you see it?
Did you see his shoe?
Nevermind that though, did you see his arse?
I'm gonna let go!
Stop it! Stop it, don't, Gregory, don't talk to me!
Gloria, don't be so fuckin' nuts.
Get out the car then.
Party rules.
First choice on every boy is mine!
Here we are, the Pink Palace.
Just so you know, this is not a house warming,
we're gonna have a party every night.
Here she is, she smelt the booze.
Welcome to our new home.
I love le Pally d'Pink.
No, don't laugh, okay? I'm not kidding.
Dad thinks I'm at choir.
He'd kill me with his bare hands.
But you, you must be crazy sharing a flat with him.
I know. But I had to move out of halls,
I was getting complaints with the banging headboard.
And it's dirt cheap, this place,
'cause I was working on the house next door
and Mr. Friedrichs said, "Oh, we're looking for tenants."
He screwed the landlord.
- Oh! - Mr. Freedicks.
Your brother had the landlord spinning on his nob
like a battling top.
Proud of you, boy.
Okay, I confess, I did, I had him.
- Oh, my God. - In here.
- Oh, my God. - Bum in the air, right there.
Oh, stop it!
But it's brilliant because Jill and I said,
"Let's find somewhere together."
Oh, "Jill and I."
Jill and I, your lordship.
But we did, we were looking and then Ash said,
"Well, I'll move in with you."
And Ritchie said, "You can share my bed, Ashy, please."
No way, never again.
Been there, done it, spat it out.
Pass me another boy, this one's split.
Oh, Baxter, you're filthy.
So, thank you, Mr. Freedicks.
This place is only 20 quid a week,
all thanks to your brother's penis.
25 until we fill that spare bed.
Oh, just move in with us, Gloria.
In this tip? Are you kidding?
I've got a council flat.
The people pissing in my lift do so with love and care.
It's practically intimate.
Why do you call it the Pink Palace?
Is that the name of a club or something?
No.
Mummy dearest brought little Ritchie
lots of things from home and look,
she brought him this.
Camp or what?
It's pinker than my dick.
Oh!
Darling.
Oh, for God's sake! Can you two...
I thought it was over!
Old times' sake.
Oh, dirty!
The government knows all about it, right,
and they're keeping it quiet,
'cause there's a strain of flu and it affects only gay men
and it kills them.
It's called GRID, it started in America
and it's coming over here.
You can't have a gay flu and no one dies of flu anymore.
They're dying in San Francisco.
My friend said it's a plague.
Don't be ridiculous. That would be all over the news.
I've gotta be honest,
I think you're being a little bit rude.
Dracula!
Take me to your castle, hot stuff. Come on!
Ladies and gentlemen, and you, Gregory,
pray gather hereupon for the star turn of the night,
I give you Miss Rachel Tozer!
Oh, my God!
Rachel. He's Rachel.
He looks like Nana Mouskouri.
Please, my people. Silencio!
I would like to give you a song.
? La ?
- Right! - Okay!
Is that it?
Bravo!
Sorry, but that girl, like, Jill,
did she say this place had a spare room?
It's a spare bed, not a spare room.
It means sharing with me,
but I don't mind 'cause I'm out most nights.
And if it lowers the rent, I'd share with Mary Whitehouse.
What do you think?
Well, I'd like it very much.
I can give you a reference.
Sod that. It's an 80 quid deposit, cash.
- Have you got it? - Yeah.
Girls, the rent's back down to 20 quid!
Gladys Pugh's moving in.
Woo-hoo! Nice one, Roscoe.
Did you see?
It's a highly complicated, giant molecule.
Hey, man, that's well wicked.
La!
Break a leg, Rachel.
Thanks, Bill.
See you.
- Yeah, good luck. - And you.
See you later.
La!
Oh.
La!
- Good luck, Gladys. - Thanks.
- La! - La.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
_
Have you seen this?
Ritchie.
Thanks for coming.
Oh, my God, no, thank you.
Morning.
Oh, good morning, Colin.
Ta-da!
- Hi. - You're late.
- Give us a minute. - Sure.
To be honest, it might be a little soon
to be looking for an agent, but still, I have to ask.
If I were to represent you and the right job came along,
would you consider leaving college?
Oh, yes.
Bang, done.
- Yes. - It's been a year.
Now, just thought we'd assess where we are.
Happy, on the whole.
You've got that tendency to drift off,
I've warned you about that.
And you could be more assertive. What do you think?
Yes, sir.
I said, "You could be more-"
Yes, sir!
It's a proper job.
I need someone to run the whole thing.
Bookings, strippers, drag nights,
and my worry is, are you a stupid tit
who's gonna run off with my money?
Damn, got me.
So, where do you see yourself in five years' time?
10 years' time, what do you want to be doing?
What you gonna do when you're older?
What's the plan?
Oh, my God, I want everything.
West End, I want my name in lights,
big movie posters with me on them.
I don't know.
10 years' time,
I'd be happy still working here.
You wait. Give me five, six years, I'll be stinking rich.
No, as long as I can find work, I don't care.
Theater, little bit of TV.
I could be that man in the background shouting,
"Let him go!"
Every single teacher I ever had,
I wanna drive past them in my big, shiny car,
like, "Fuck you."
I wanna do good work.
I wanna learn everything, like Mr. Coltrane taught me.
Donegal Tweed, they make the dye out of blackberries.
It's so beautiful.
I just wanna be happy.
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