- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --
And the wolf said, "'Little pigs, little pigs,
let me in.'
'Not by the hair of our chinny-chin-chin.'
'Then I'll huff and I'll puff
and I'll blow your house down.'"
Ohh!
"But the brick house wouldn't come down.
So the big, bad wolf climbed all the way up the roof,
he slid down the chimney, and then... "
Aooh-wuh-wuh-wuh-wuuu!
"The big, bad wolf fell into the pot of hot water
that the pigs had on the fire.
And that was the end of the big, bad wolf.
And the pigs lived happily ever after."
You see 'em? One, two,
- three. - Hey.
- How's he feeling?
Oh, he's still congested and, uh, still awake.
Smells like my grandma's room in here.
Yeah. Yeah, slathered him in Vicks.
Hey, you wanna tag out?
- I'll take a turn. - Uh-uh.
It's cool. I got him.
You get some sleep, all right?
Okay. I'm gonna pass out on the couch
to an episode of Bob Ross.
Oh. Bob Ross.
Feel better, my sweet baby boy.
Mmm.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
Okay, let's see what's next, what's next?
All right, we've...
I think we've read the...
just about every single one of these books.
But don't worry about it.
I got a better story for you, all right?
How 'bout we tell you a real fairy tale story, huh?
Now, once upon a time,
there was a little boy named Phillip Gallagher.
- Phillip. - It's, uh, Lip.
- I'm Lip... Phillip Gallagher. - Lip?
- Lip. - Is Lip around?
- Lip! - Lip.
- Phillip Gallagher? - It's Lip.
- Lip, my man. - Lip, muh boy.
Not gonna call ya Lip. Hope that's okay.
Gonna call you by your lovely God-given name...
- Phillip. - Okay.
After the prophet.
And Phillip... or Lip,
as his family and friends called him,
grew up in a magical castle,
and he was raised by a supportive
and loving family.
Fuck you, Frank!
Will you please take a drink and shut the fuck up?
Shut the fuck up!
Frank's passed out up in the bathroom.
- Fuck. - He dead?
Unfortunately not.
You gotta let kids learn for themselves.
They gonna fend for themselves?
You give a man a fish, you've fed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, you've fed him for a lifetime.
I raised fisherman.
That's my fucking bike!
The best gift you can give... Neglect.
- Dad. - Son.
A rooster in the hen-house. Rooster in the hen-house!
Hide the money!
- Morning, Grammy. - Morning, Grammy!
- Morning, Grams! - Hey, Gallagher.
Your mom's down at the station. Bring bail money.
Get the fucking key and get me out of here!
Just bailed Monica outta jail.
She let Carl play bumper cars with a Buick.
So you know Monica spent all the squirrel fund money?
The first rule you learn in this house...
You hide the goddamn money!
Don't be mad at Fiona. Come on.
Hey, Monica, shut up.
You know what, like most of my life,
this has nothing to do with you.
Your son's a real prick.
Don't say Papa never gave ya a pet.
Fuck!
Eeew!
- Hey, Grammy. - Oh, my goodness.
I have never seen apple and spice looking so nice!
- How's it goin' in there? - Oh, the food's not so great,
but the pussy's pretty good.
Sounds all right.
Weren't Monica and Frank on acid
the whole time you were in vitro?
'Shrooms, mostly.
We had one kid on coke... Debbie.
- That was Carl. - No, Carl was E.
- Thought Liam was E. - Liam was acid.
Don't you remember?
But we've never made a little rug rat on GHB.
Oh! Jesus Christ!
"Congratulations, Ian.
You are not Frank Gallagher's son."
You fucked my brother!
I like the idea of Monica cheating on Frank.
You know, it really keeps my image of you
right on track, Mom.
Honestly, sweetie, there was the summer of '95
that I did a lotta PCP...
- You did PCP? - And I...
Without me?
Moni and I wanna take Liam to live with us.
- What? - No, out of the fucking
- question, Roberta. - Taking Liam?
- No! - No, nobody's
taking anyone anywhere.
I don't care what the fucking DNA test says.
- You're not taking Liam. - We having a problem,
- Phillip? - Let's see... you're camped out
in my house, you're fucking my mother,
and you're talking about stealing my baby brother.
Why would we have a problem?
- Hey, stop it! - Congratulations, Mom.
You always knew how to pick 'em.
Yeah, so please stay on your bar-stool
- and just keep drinking. - Come on!
- I've gotta walk away. - What?!
If I don't walk away, I'm gonna fucking hit him.
What the hell?
Fuck!
Next time you're thinkin' about dropping in,
don't.
You fucked up our lives
enough already.
At least I'm not getting trapped by some pregnant skank.
- Fuck you. - You'll probably quit
high school, huh, start working at Best Buy.
- Watch your fuckin' mouth! - I wonder how long it takes
before you start huffing glue?
Hey! Only one way to resolve this.
Somebody's gotta bleed. Fight it out.
See who's alpha wolf.
Your mother...
was a real cunt.
Amen.
- Wanna get a beer? - Yeah.
- Hey, Lip, I need your help. - Oh... busy!
Too busy to help your old man?
Yes. Forever.
- Movin' out again? - Fuck off.
I don't like the way I'm being talked to
- around my own house. - Let's go see if we can find
whatever gutter our responsible adult of a father
has crawled into this time.
"You never got me this, Dad, we never had that, Dad."
Yack, yack, fucking yack!
Lip, you're 21, right?
23, but that's fine. You're in the ballpark.
Surround sound bitching is the only thanks I get.
Life is hard. We all know that.
Money is harder.
Do you even know how much we spend a week on groceries?
- Too much! - 120 bucks.
Fiona pays 70. Me and Ian go in 25 each.
You know how much you spend a month at the Alibi?
None a your damn business.
Over 700.
- Hey, you're back! - Let us have a bottle
of your good stuff.
I've got some money comin'.
Tomorrow, fuckhead!
- A friend... dropped me off. - I don't need Kev to tell me.
Check your pockets every night.
You better run!
I gotta go, but save some for me, will ya, Debs?
- Yeah, okay. - It's essential
that families share meals together.
- Oh, don't, oh... - Mmm!
- Great, Debs. - Thanks.
I won't say it twice. Go home.
- What? - I won't say it twi...
Why do you two keep harping on the past?
This is why your lives are so messed up!
Oh, yeah. That's the reason.
Daddy's home! Come on, lads.
Let's go upstairs, take a disco nap.
Charge, charge!
Shit! Just go... go!
Just pick a bed, fellas.
Just pick a bed. Ohh.
- What the hell are you doing? - Get the fuck outta here!
You are not sleeping!
After everything I have done for you,
this is the thanks I get?
Jesus Chriiiist...
Uhh!
Not funny. Not funny at all.
- Da! - Now...
because of his privileged upbringing,
little Lip was able to focus his attentions on schoolwork
and extracurricular activities.
Go! Go, go, go!
Get outta the way, get outta the way!
Move it!
Jesus, whatever happened to fat,
donut-eating cops? Now they're all triathletes!
- Ah... - Break it down!
Shit!
- Yo, Kev. - Hey.
Is it cool if we put Fiona's name on your W2?
Sure. What's a W2?
Hmm?
Forty-third and Alstead. Bring the crowbar.
- Wow. - Ha ha ha ha ha!
Here we go.
Hey, I wanna stage another fight night next week.
Go around to the dojos,
round up some more scrappers, all right?
Frozen Snickers, bag a Beer Nuts,
and couple of joints.
You 14? Got ID?
You know how to hack a voicemail?
Probably.
I want you to give me 50 or GFY.
GFY?
Less ogling, more hacking.
Is this the club where Wilco's gonna play a secret concert?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's, uh,
20 bucks, self-park, 30 valet.
Thought you wanted this. Quickest grand you ever made.
Buyer was thrilled... said you should moonlight for the NSA.
So what are you workin' on this summer?
Um, I'm working on this device that reads credit card numbers
off of parking kiosks.
Using a magnetic stripe reader?
Oh, no. It's all done over WiFi now.
Why aren't you working on my project?
When you're poor, only way to make money
is to steal it or scam it.
Like Don King or Joe Kennedy.
All right, here ya go.
It's 50 bucks a head. $400.
This man stole our jobs?
No, no, I didn't steal them. I just underbid you.
But we are illegal immigrants. How can you underbid us?
- Gutter white's the new brown. - The what?
The new brown.
- Come on! - You got her?
Oh... go!
The real Aunt Ginger lost a toe.
Somebody's gotta snip it. Who wants to do the honors?
I'm taking the PSATs for some Polish kid
over in Ridgedale.
He's supposed to give me like a hundred bucks.
Mr. Gallagher.
- What? - Do you know the answer?
- Lip's been expelled. - Expelled?
Threw a chair through a window.
The answer is fuck you!
- You are finishing high school! - I've done a year more than you.
- This isn't about me. - So, what, you want me
to bust my ass? Get a diploma
and a high-paying job so I can buy you all houses and shit
while you lay around doing fuck-all?
I'm down for that.
Why's that on me, huh?
Oh, because I've done all right on some tests?
No. I'll pull my weight,
but I'm not gonna be the fucking golden goose!
And when he was in high school,
he met a beautiful princess.
Take it easy!
Get the fuck outta my house!
Hi. I'm Karen Jackson.
I mean... Daddyz Girl.
And the two of them dated...
and they were voted Homecoming King and Queen.
Yeah! Oh, yeah, give it to me!
- Oh, yeah. - Ohh!
- Give it to me! - Want me to give it to you?
- Yes. - Yeah, she said
she wants you to give it to her,
So just give it to her already!
You whore!
What are we doing here?
Seriously, from, uh, my vantage point,
looks like we're on the verge of fucking.
No, I mean you and me. What are we?
We've always been friends.
- Hi, Frank. - Shit! Karen!
Whoa! Oh...
What do you think now, Daddy?
Am I still a whore?
Mother of God!
_
- Oh, fuck! - Oh!
- Ahh! - Ohh!
Ahh...
- Where ya goin'? - Karen's.
Karen Jackson? After that thing with your dad?
I have something to tell you.
What? Finally gonna let me plow the back fields?
You already are.
Oh, shit! Sorry. Um...
It's okay.
- I like it. - Oh. Ha.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an orgy,
but there were a lot of naked body parts flying around.
And then there was the time at Mindy Carlson's sleepover
when her mom walked in and freaked out
when she saw Mindy in the shower
with a big, black strap-on dildo.
So what'd you wanna tell me?
I'm pretty sure that Jody's gonna propose.
We can't have sex anymore.
Oh.
Mandy!
Missed me, huh?
I bet you could get any guy into bed, huh?
Yeah. Why?
Hey. Hey, you okay?
- Uhh! - Oh, sh...
Why the fuck was Mandy Milkovich at my house
trying to screw Jody?
He turned her down and told me what happened.
Yeah, 'cause he's a fucking pussy.
Fuck you! Stay the fuck away from me,
and stay the fuck away from this baby!
Why can't I just get a C-section?
- You're too far along, sweetie. - Sometimes Mother Nature
has other plans, honey.
Fuck Mother Nature.
She doesn't have to worry about her vagina getting stretched.
- Ow! - You were already
pretty stretched out down there, Karen.
That thing looks weird.
- And he's Asian. - Maybe we're just
looking at him upside down.
So it's looking serious about Mandy Skankovich.
Nice.
Oh, shit, Mandy. I'm sorry.
You know I woulda never said that to your face.
I know you're seeing Lip, but like I told him,
I think it's great.
What? I came by last Tuesday to say hi.
She's a skanky, manipulative bitch.
Why don't you just dump her?
- Less talking, more riding. - Oh!
Fuck you too!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Your current girlfriend ran over your ex-girlfriend?
I don't know... I don't... I don't know what she's capable of.
Dude, you're at DEFCON 1.
You need to get the fuck outta there.
We haven't had sex in over a week.
Whatever you do, do not...
do not let her bone you.
The fuck?!
You belong here with me,
not with that fucking vegetable.
Oh, let me take a look at you, buddy.
Aw, shoot.
You got all this green gunk comin' outta your nose.
Come on, let's see if we can get rid a that, huh?
Here we go.
All right.
How's that?
Huh?
Is that helping your cute little congested nose?
Hey, you wanna hear some more of my story?
Huh?
Yeah, you do?
All right, let's do it. Um...
Well, eventually,
Lip... graduated from high school,
and he left the comfort of his family and community
to go off to college.
Fuck me!
That's what I was doing!
Shit!
Uh... eh... What...
Lord have Mercy!
Okay.
Before we delve too deeply into...
Problems of modernity, let me remind you...
Nine a.m.
And social...
I don't plan on keeping you that long.
I try to make a point
of not banging my roommate's girlfriend.
You were hoping I'd be here.
Excuse me, guys.
Forgot my Spinoza.
I-I-I'm so sorry. Just let me explain.
- It's... it's okay. - I-I'm really...
You don't need to be sorry. I owe you one.
We're cool?
Best part about getting a blow job from Amanda...
Ten minutes of silence. Come on, dude.
These are my parents.
- They're white. - Yeah, I can... see that.
Well, they bought me from a Subic Bay whorehouse, so...
go Navy!
I don't understand my grade on this paper.
You tried to be clever, but there were
no compelling insights or any attempt at original thought.
Original thought on Byron's Childe Harold's Pilgrimage?
Look, nobody's had an original thought on Childe Harold
since Queen Victoria was still getting laid.
The house mother for my sorority
is interviewing for house boy today.
Now, you are not allowed to use the bathroom
- on the upper levels. - The room, though,
- it's here in the house? - Hey, do you want
any company later?
It can get kinda creepy in the basement.
Uh...
yeah.
Ah...
Who was that... Antonia?
- Me. - Let's do this.
You're fired, obviously.
Why? I kinda blacked out. I...
Not before you took all the group sorority photos
off the wall and used a marker to circle
all the girls that you slept with.
I did that?
When I told you you had to leave,
you, uh, decided to mark your territory.
You peed on the carpet.
The, uh, carpets weren't the final target
of your yellow tsunami.
Where else?
Not where. Who.
I peed on you.
I'll be out in an hour.
Yeah.
You're disrupting the midterm.
I know, sorry. I'm a few minutes late.
Six minutes.
I'm sure next test, you'll leave plenty of extra time
and arrive early.
What the fuck was that for?
Making me fall in love with you.
I didn't make you do anything.
Yes, you did, because you're so fucking... you!
Oh, fuck!
Aah!
Thank you.
It was there that he met
two of the most influential people in his life.
They were role models
who showed Lip how to be a productive
and moral member of the human race.
- Fuck happened? - Drove into a house.
Kill anybody?
According to Horkheimer, was nothing short of liberation
from the circumstances that a...
- Hey, sorry, uh... - You're late.
Yeah, I couldn't find the building.
It's the third class, so you're a week and ten minutes late.
- What'd I miss? - Do you even know
what critical theory is?
Question everything,
uh, why things are the way they are.
Why they should be different.
Uh, you know, it's the only thing I'm good at...
Calling bullshit.
Mellow rock
No... don't stop.
Oh, your husband's sitting in the corner of the room.
Hello.
What's he doing?
Just waiting for us to finish
so he can come to bed.
This must be strange for you.
A little bit, yeah, it's a little... it's a little strange.
So my husband says to meet him at 59th
and Dorchester, and he'll give you a ride.
- Talk dirty to me. - Okay.
Um... I'm gonna slap you with my big dick
and come all over your face.
Jesus. Maybe not that dirty.
Oh, never mind, never mind.
- I'm gonna come anyway. - All right.
Helené, she's got my head all messed up.
It's not your lady professor.
- It's that. - What, the booze?
You seen how much I pour down my gullet?
I went down on my professor.
Oh! What's his name?
You take his whole dick in your mouth?
I heard... she might be fucking somebody new.
- Did you fuck her? - What?
Did you fuck her?
You beat up Dylan?
- You beat up my son? - I didn't know he was your son!
- Are you out of your mind? - Professor? Tiffany Thomas!
Yeah, I was in your Intro to Ethics last semester.
- Jesus. - Remember this.
We have only two jobs on this earth.
The first, to learn.
The second, to cope.
Professor Youens.
Hey, morning.
Uh, listen up. Professor Youens has been detained.
Now, for a well-behaved function,
there's always an nth-degree polynomial...
take you to an error curve that oscillates back and forth
between positive epsilon...
Thank you, Mr. Gallagher.
You...
should consider teaching.
Is it that hard to believe
that someone thinks you have a bright future
and wants to help you get there?
You need to get used to it, Lip.
Just met with my buddy Kurt Freund
over at Chapman Energy Systems.
- Oh, yeah? - I got you an internship
with him for next summer.
Yeah, I'm not really an internship guy.
You know, you have a choice right now
to recognize that you are
a promising young college student,
not some ghetto outlaw.
Where'd you get that?
Some girl Tweeted it.
How the fuck could you send out that picture of Helené?
You shouldn't have screwed me over.
I never made any fucking promises to you!
Yes, you fucking well did!
With your eyes...
and your smile and your cock!
- Helené? - Don't follow me.
Stay away from my home, my husband, my son.
Fuck!
Professor Runyon? That was you?
Jesus Christ! You saw it too?
I'd say that's some elephant-sized shit
hittin' the fan.
Yeah.
You just fucking come out and you talk to me!
Helené!
- Excuse us. - What, what, fucking what?
You smell like a distillery.
You're losing your shit. Go home, sober up!
I changed your shirt
when you woke up covered in your own vomit.
I helped you shave your face before your faculty meeting
'cause your hand was so fucking shaky!
You need to stop talking now, Lip... you're doing damage
- to yourself. - You don't give a shit
about me. You don't give a shit about me
because you don't have to... right?
You're just sittin' pretty in your ivory tower,
and I'm a fucking insect crawling
on the wall till you squash me, right?
What, 'cause that makes you feel fucking powerful?
'Cause you fucked up your own life,
and you fucking hate yourself for it.
And I was your ticket outta the gutter, pal,
and you just blew it.
You're officially fuckin' fired!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Fuck you, fuck... God...
Fuck you!
You like that, motherfucker?
Oh, you feel that shit?
Fuck you, Youens!
Hey! Hey, what the hell are you doin'?
What the fuck?
Fuck off!
- Fuck! Shit! - Don't move!
At that university,
it was his exemplary actions
and behavior
that laid the foundation
for his future life in diversity.
So you can help me get a job? Gotta get a job.
I came to get the details about the job.
The first day a work, you'll be cryin' like a baby.
I'm guessing they're planning on having us
dump toxic waste someplace where toxic waste
should not be dumped.
- I think I tweaked my back. - You're not gunnin' for
- Workman's Comp, are ya, kid? - No, I-I just...
Good. 'Cause the comp stands for competition
from the Mexicans who all want your job.
- Aah! - Next man up.
- Phillip, Tito. Senior Intern. - Hey.
You can start by getting coffee.
Four double shots of expresso.
He doesn't like to take the goggles off.
Copy that.
- Gotta piss! - Oh, that's you, man.
You're changing his piss bag.
No one move. The premises is under federal investigation.
- What's going on? - They're seizing the servers.
Thought you said this was legal!
Yeah, I guess not.
I could use a job.
Could use another dishwasher.
- Shit! - You sure about this?
I mean, WiFi is a little out of my comfort zone.
It's time to get a piece of the action.
They don't suspect a fucking thing.
The system's down. You think they're onto us?
No, no, no, the website just went back online.
- It probably just crashed. - Okay, let me know
- when it's back up. - All right, I'm on it.
How long till we're up and running again?
- We're shut down. - Fuck me.
You... take care of Rocky!
Take care of Rocky!
- Oh, my God... - Hey, stop!
This is my job!
So what qualifies you to be a sober companion?
I know how a drunk thinks.
Here we go. Virgin Bloody Mary.
- Are you positive it's virgin? - It's absolutely,
one hundred percent a virgin.
- Oh, my God! - You told Fred the waiter
that a virgin meant to make it a double
when I was in the bathroom.
All right, Fredtastic.
Let's get you outta here before we both melt, huh?
There we go.
Come on, come on, come on.
Chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh.
Chh-chh-chh, chh-chh-chh, chh-chh-chh.
All right, handsome.
Let's go ahead and prop you up right here, all right?
That will help you breathe a little bit better.
Right? Hopefully.
Get you nice and comfy.
There we go now.
Now I want you to try and rest your eyes, okay?
Try and rest your eyes, get some sleep, huh?
You know, if I was anything like your Granddad Frank,
I'd give you some special magic juice to go to sleep.
You know, that's what he used to give me when I was little.
Which is why I liked that special magic juice
so much when I got older.
But I'm not gonna do that to you,
all right?
That "like father, like son" tradition ends right here.
Why you gotta be such an asshole?
Apple fell where you dropped it.
Push-ups. 10 bucks in.
- My kid'll hold. - 20.
Thank you.
And go!
One...
seven, eight...
Nine! Bobby's done.
32...
Oh!
Hey, can I get another shot?
Hey, can I get another?
- Whoa! - You look like shit.
Lookin' like a chip off the old block there, son.
- You're just like me. - You hear me?
I'm not my fucking dad!
Are you supposed to give Valium to a baby?
It always worked with you.
Try a speedball after a bender.
Next day, you'll be movin' like a pro.
- Dine 'n dash? - Bite and bolt.
Take the front door.
Do you think, in his own way,
Frank's actually a pretty good dad?
- No. - I remember the first time
- I brought you here. - Fuck you!
You never took me skating.
Gallaghers do not puke.
Domino effect!
- Oh! - Ohh!
Okay, now, where were we, huh?
What were we talkin' about?
We were, um...
with Lip in college, right?
Now, when Lip was done with school,
like many millennials, he moved home
to the comfort and stability of his family and neighborhood.
Hey, nicely done, Deb. Great job!
Can someone help me get down, please, for fuck's sake!
Lookin' for some workers
to help with a home masonry project.
- Frank? - Pickax... sledge hammer.
What the fuck?
Aah!
Honestly, I feel like I'm rolling.
Did you spike our fuckin' drinks?
Yeah, with Molly. It's a party.
This is how you help me stay sober?
She was acting in your best interests.
I don't know why I'm even surprised.
I'm surprised... I mean, since when
have they ever shared their drugs?
Fuck. Epic party.
No reason not to keep it goin'.
Wakey, wakey.
Monica?
Monica? Come on, sweetheart.
Come on. Come on, open your eyes.
Come on!
She shit herself?
People shit themselves when they die.
- So she's dead. - Yes.
- Drug overdose? - Massive cerebral hemorrhage.
All that's Monica's stuff?
Anybody got a rock and a lighter?
- What's the tag say? - Monica had a storage unit?
Your inheritance.
Frank found seven pounds of meth
in some shitty storage locker
that Monica had, and now he wants to sell it.
It's like a family heirloom... Only drugs.
And it's getting flushed down the toilet!
Nobody flushes $70,000' worth of maternal bequest.
How much?
- Lip. - What?
I moved your meth.
Got your Monica Franklins.
Smoked up all my meth.
Got over your mother, and now I'm a new man.
Hey!
You're the little fuckers who stole my meth.
- Aw, shit! - Hey, wait...
Fuckin' Monica, fuckin' up our lives, even in death.
This meth head doesn't know where we live.
Hey!
Yo!
Uhh!
Either she smoked it, she sold it,
or her fucked-up family stole it.
And in any one of those scenarios,
I am still owed 70 fuckin' grand!
- You could tell us... - Just tell us
what you did with the last two pounds of meth.
Is this the part where you lecture us?
'Cause if you could just speed it up a little...
You wanna be a smartass, you want my help?
I was right.
I was right!
I was super fuckin' right!
You were right, and I was wrong, Fiona.
Now, can you please
tell us where you put the rest of the drugs
so that motherfucker doesn't eat your eyeballs too.
We're gonna need a lotta shovels.
Ugh! This is some seriously sick shit.
Yeah, no joke, Fiona.
Oh, God... who buries her mother with meth?
Go, go! Go!
- Go! - Oh, my God!
Oh, careful, Carl. Don't go too deep, all right?
Now
- What is that smell? - That stench?
That's Monica. And if you come near my family,
as God is my witness, I will bury you with her.
And by this time,
Lip became an upstanding member of the community
and contributed to the betterment of society.
Jesus, what the hell, Lip?
What, you never learned how to throw a fucking punch?
Oh, that's it? Ohh!
Oh, damn!
- Come here! - Easy, easy, easy!
He'd grown into a strapping young man
who was ready to face the world
and make something of himself.
This is what happens when your entire life
goes completely to shit.
Wanna do something silly and stupid?
It's cool if I, uh, wear this?
Long as you wear nothing else.
- Go! - No... no!
I kinda have to stay soberish.
Why? You driving heavy machinery later tonight?
If your vagina's heavy machinery, then yeah, I am.
This is gonna be funny.
Hi, Lip. Are you gonna have sex with my sister?
- Ha... - I'm glad you're
- her new boyfriend. - I'm not her boyfriend.
You gonna keep it fun and casual?
I could casually go down on you later.
Bring your tongue.
Oh, fucking hell.
Don't forget anal.
We're not doing anal.
- Unbelievable. - You never heard of
female ejaculation?
That's the white whale!
Every guys dreams of it, but only a few ever get the chance.
Oh, no, I-I just thought it was a myth.
Jesus, you think I get goosebumps
every time you whip out your magic cock?
Ah. Mind... blown.
Sounds fun.
- You've been drinking? - No. Hey.
I already have one out-of-control addict
in my life... I don't need two.
Hey, man, are we in the north side?
You broke into my home?
- What? - Get some help.
Please get help.
Coming in, buddy?
I woke up this morning feeling like I really needed a drink.
Good with your hands?
- Hi. - Fuck off, runt.
You gonna fix that bike or fuck it?
- What's your problem? - He's been yappin' about ass
- nonstop. - You gotta stay busy, man.
I need some fuckin' pussy!
Get upstairs. Now.
Oh...
Think you can hit me a little less?
Shut up!
- Ohh, damn it! - Say it, bitch!
- See you at the shop, runt. - Yeah... uh...
You know you got a little scratch on your...
Hey, piss off.
You ever hear of a safe word?
Yeah. How 'bout stop?
Ooh...
Shit!
Oh!
Should we help 'em?
Sounds voluntary.
- Barb? - Oh, hey, hi.
- Hey. - How's it going, man?
- It's all right. - Have a seat.
Thanks. Uh...
Thanks for... for meeting me, you know.
Brad spoke very highly of you, so...
I-I didn't know I could have a woman as a sponsor.
Oh, yeah. Anybody's a sponsor as long as
there is no risk of falling in love with that person.
Well, you never know, right?
Ah... fat chance, honey.
So... what are we doing here?
Uh, well...
I-I got some shit goin' on, you know.
I got this professor. He got carted off to prison.
Come on, you have court today.
I got this ex who's dating this guy
who just got some other girl pregnant, so...
I'm sorry, did I just walk into an episode of Gossip Girl?
I-I'm sharing, you know.
- Where's Eddie? - She quit.
Took off for Cabo with some guy she met at Sturgis.
- She coming back for the kid? - Should call Social Services
- to come pick her up. - Why don't you come stay
- with me for a couple days? - That'd be cool.
Coming?
- Say hi, Ted. - Hey.
Oh, hell, no. Bye, Ted.
- Hey! - He has a beard.
- How do I look? - Stupid.
Thanks. That's what I was goin' for.
What is it? What's going on?
They let my dad out.
Is... is it true
that you like to beat women?
I guess what I'm asking is
are you a little bitch woman-beat...
You hear me? A fuckin' dead man!
How'd we do?
- He swung first. - Oh, yeah?
Uh, yeah, I'd like to report an assault.
Charlie got some girl pregnant.
She just had the fuckin' baby.
Are you still delivering those special pizzas?
Have it there in under 30.
Charlie, an addict. I got a delivery.
A gram of coke. On a pizza.
I didn't do it yet... I don't know what to do with it.
So I called my sponsor...
I was gonna sabotage Charlie. Planted coke on him.
Then I felt guilty. Broke into his apartment.
Flushed the drugs. Got attacked by his dog.
Ow!
Let go!
God... fuck!
Hey, I-I gotta go, all right? My kid's in the emergency room.
- You have a kid? - We'll get her over to X-ray
- and set the arm. - Okay.
And we can only release her to a parent or legal guardian.
Okay, sweetie.
Hey!
Come on, we're gonna hide.
Baby, why you got me so shook shook up, yeah
Oh oh oh oh
Oh
If your mom doesn't come back, do you wanna stay with me here?
Yeah. That'd be good.
This is what I'm going through.
Oh... what the hell are you talking about, man?
You're not going through any of that crap.
I mean, you have convinced yourself that you are.
- Uh-huh. - It's, uh, fucking
classic co-dependence.
Mom?
I knew you'd come back for me.
Oh, my girl.
I think you should give Charlie one last chance.
- What? - I've been drunk...
or high almost every day since I was 12 years old.
- Do you fucking love me? - I don't know.
- I want to. - Jesus.
Okay? And it's because I care about you.
Just go, Lip!
Please.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
Co-dependent, huh?
Try some Greek Goddess.
The fuck is in this?
Hey.
Is he better?
A little bit.
Ah. Do you want me to read to him now?
No, it's all right.
I'm telling him my own story.
- Oh, yeah? - Uh, yeah.
Just about to get to the best part.
Okay, well...
don't let me stop you.
Now, even though Lip...
was a model citizen
and was living the American dream...
- Wait. This is about you? - Shh, shh, shh.
He knew that something was missing
in his life,
that someone was missing in his life.
His heart was so full of love,
and he wanted to share that love,
you know, with a kind and special woman.
That's me.
- Uh, maid of honor? - Yep, her sister, Tami.
So you and Tami hit it off at the wedding.
Yeah. Yeah, she's cute.
- Come on. - Where?
The maid of honor and best man
always hook up at these things.
Take her out on a real date.
Go out for a steak or something.
- You've done this before? - Seven times.
You want my wedding pussy, don't you?
There's nothing like a good woman to ground you.
- Fuck! - Could be the one.
You never know.
Okay, let's finish this thing.
- I need another drink. - Look, I thought maybe
you'd wanna, uh... go out to dinner.
- Nah, I'm good. - What?
- You fuck for shit. - I-I don't fuck for shit.
Oh, yeah, no, you fuck for shit.
You were all like, jab, jab, jab.
- Jab-jab-jab-jab-jab. - I was just trying to be
- a nice guy. - Well, then you should have
fucked me good and hard,
'cause that would have been a nice guy.
You know, have a good life, Pukey.
Yeah, see ya later, Jabby.
You guys invited Jabby? Jabby!
Last time I saw you, you asked me to dinner.
- That offer still good? - Why, you wanna go
- on a date now? - Fuck me. I mean,
I must be really hard up.
Wanna try to fuck me properly this time?
What, like now?
- So? - Eh.
- Six outta ten? - What?
That's it. We're going again, all right?
And, I'm not letting you outta this car
until I get a ten.
- This is my car, punk. - Hey, I don't care
- how long this takes. - Okay, well, wake me
when it's over.
Oh!
Hey, Jabby.
One of us needs to have an apartment
so that we have a fuck pad, so man up.
This guy has maybe the biggest dick I've ever seen.
It's bulging through his pants like a fucking balloon animal.
Don't look, though. Don't look!
Whoa! No way that's real.
- It's real. - We gotta go.
- I can't live here, all right? - If you don't believe me...
Hey, no, we believe you, man, we believe you, okay?
That's not real!
- It's not. - Either way, I don't want
that guy fixing my sink.
You know, I've been thinking about
turning our basement into a bedroom.
This could work, right?
Okay, was Silence of the Lambs filmed down here?
- I mean, where's the pit? - You know, it's actually out back.
- Come on, I'll show ya. - So you've got a bar of soap
with five different colors of pubes on it.
Wait, you guys can't all... share one bar of soap.
No, I don't... that's why I have the dishwashing liquid.
- What is this? - It's a box of clean underwear.
Yeah, we share our underwear. I don't have time to fold.
- You, Debs? - Nope.
What the fuck is that?
What, what?
That scratching noise.
There. Fixed it.
So what's the deal with you and my sister?
I don't think we have a deal.
Like, are you fucking other people?
Back off, Corey. He doesn't want the syph.
- Who's Boone? - Well, right now
he's the guy kissing your chick.
- He really likes you. - I'm extremely likeable.
You seem to be handling yourself pretty well.
Look, she's not my girlfriend, all right?
We can fuck whoever we want.
Oh, you are fucking other people.
I fucked your sister.
You're... really working hard
for that Tamietti hat trick.
Jesus, that doesn't bother you?
It bothers me.
Bothers me that you fucked Corey.
I mean...
of course it bothers me, Christ, I...
Maybe just don't fuck Boone anymore.
Fine.
Don't fuck Corey anymore.
Yeah, fine. Fine.
Stop staring at me, weirdo.
And their life... was peaches and roses all the time.
And when they found out that they were with child...
Fuck!
Rainbows appeared as if from nowhere,
and birds sang...
and little woodland creatures frolicked.
- I'm pregnant. - Tami's pregnant.
She's pregnant.
- Tami's pregnant. - No shit?
- Yeah. - Aw, man.
I got a test, and I saw
the biggest, bluest plus sign I've ever seen.
- Is it yours? - You sure it's mine?
- Yeah. - She says it is.
I make Boone wear a condom. He's been in the Philippines.
I double-bag that shit.
Holy shit. Is she gonna keep it?
- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
You having the baby or no?
The last thing I need in my life
is a man telling me what to do.
Hey, Tami. How ya doin'?
It's none of your fucking business, Brad.
If you decide to have the baby, I wanna make damn sure
- it has a father. - I don't wanna have a baby
just to save my tits!
Tami's having this baby,
and I need to know what your plan is.
Baby?
He doesn't know shit.
You've been kicking my ass ever since you got pregnant.
I've been kicking your ass since the first day we met.
I can't believe you got Tami pregnant.
- Why do you keep saying that? - Well...
Hey, honey! Core.
I'm terrified of these women.
- It's her decision. - Goddamn right
it's her decision.
- You better now ghost her. - I won't.
If you hurt her, we will fuck you up.
- We will fuck you up. - I'm trying to do
- the right thing. - Don't fuck with us.
- The goon squad gone? - Yeah.
I'm gonna have the baby.
Good.
What would I even name it?
We talkin' a boy or a girl?
I don't know. Like, pretend it's a boy.
- Hambone. - Wilmoth?
- Bird? - Who the hell
names their kid Bird? I take it back.
I will not be there for our child, all right?
I'm hungry. Do you wanna get something to eat?
I am fucking famished.
I'm starving. I need food.
You like popcorn shrimp?
I mean, I work in a hair salon.
I breathe bleach fumes all day.
This baby's gonna come out with like five heads
- and a dorsal fin. - You know that mask
- is kinda freaky, right? - Yeah.
Well, it's better than junior being born with flippers and a tail.
Oh, yeah, baby!
I'm so very, very wet.
I slipped out again. I slipped.
- Hang on, let me get on top. - All right.
She wants to have sex all the time, all right?
Three times last night and again this morning.
Y-w-whoa, whoa... I just felt the baby kick.
No, focus.
Baby likes it. Yeah.
She's so fucking nice to me all the time, you know?
It's all honey, sweetie. She called me boo this morning.
I mean, it's alien abduction movie creepy.
- I don't like it. - It won't last.
Once the baby's born, with the sleep deprivation,
and Tami being kind of a bitch...
Ah... eh...
- ooh... ooh... - Just breathe.
Ah...
You think it's real this time?
Just shut the fuck up and find a goddamn parking spot!
She's back!
Can you walk? Can you walk?
- Yes. - Yeah?
- Of course I can walk. - Can you?
- Aah! - Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Should you be squatting? - Ahh. Did you call my sister?
- No. Cami? No. No, no, no. - Aah.
- 'Scuse me! - I don't want you in there
staring down my cooch with a baby head popping out
while I shit in a hospital bed.
All right, I'm gonna find you a wheelchair
so you don't have the baby in the parking lot, all right?
Aah... mmm...
- Are you with Ms. Tamietti? - Yeah, yeah.
Get your ass in here.
We're performing an emergency C-section.
We have to get this baby out now.
No. No, no, I'm not having a caesarian.
- I'm having my baby naturally. - That's not going to happen,
Tami. Sign it.
- I-I'm not really her, uh... - Are you the father?
- Yeah. Yes. - Then you sign it.
Think I'd make a shitty dad?
What? No. You'd make a great dad.
I thought, since you were
- a great father that you... - Thank you.
- I want sushi... - Yeah?
Disneyland.
I didn't have much of a role model at home.
- Frank. - Yeah.
No shit.
You just love 'em, man.
It's hard to fuck 'em up if you just love 'em.
You think you can do that?
- Yeah. - Yeah, I think so too.
Boy or girl?
Boy.
Are you sure it's yours?
Hey, he fell asleep.
You too.
When Lip Gallagher
looked at his sleeping son and girlfriend,
and he knew that his journey
had led him to this moment...
right here
and right now...
He wouldn't change a thing.
Shit.
- Oh. - Oh, my...
Seriously, Fred?
I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick, okay?
Okay?
- Everything hurts. Aah! - All right.
Shit. Seriously, I lost my baby?
I feel like my boobs are gonna explode.
Whoa!
Why do you hate me, huh?
Here you go, here you go.
You take your dad's fake tit,
but you don't want the real deal?
You have six to eight minutes... tops.
Mmm. Mm... fuck.
I'm tired, you know?
Welcome to parenthood.
They all lived...
moderately happy ever after.
Smoke?
'Scuse me. I'm gonna go get a smoke.
Your dedication to nicotine is admirable.
Let me get a pack a Camels.
I prefer carcinogens to endorphins.
Let me get a pack of American Spirits too.
You smoked my whole fuckin' pack.
Some Marlboros. Some Winstons.
Throw some, uh, Dunhills in there.
- What are you doing? - I need to wash my junk.
Who's never smoked a cigarette before?
- Me! - Me!
Oh, you haven't? Okay, well, the first one's
the hardest, but you guys are gonna be great.
Come on, follow your Aunty Tami.
You know the way you smoke cigarettes,
it'll be a miracle if you make it to 40.
- I'll quit. - Right.
You're only supposed to wear
one of those nicotine patches at a time.
Got one of these vape things from Carl.
Trying to quit smokin' for Fred.
- Aren't those things worse for you? - Fuck, that shit's strong.
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --