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www.subtitulamos.tv

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Hello?

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Hello?

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- Hi.
- Hi.

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What's going on?

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What, didn't you call me?

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Uh, nope.

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- Michael?
- Yeah?

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Did you call David?

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Yes, well, I did try to call,
but then I changed my mind.

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Why?

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Well, it occurred to me if I wanted
to endure

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a deluge of vacuous crap,

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I could just put my head in the toilet.

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- He said, er...
- Yeah, I heard him, yeah.

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He just needs to vent to someone.

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Oh, and you can tell
him that, if you like,

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the toilet thing.

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Right.

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OK. If you...

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could go anywhere in the world,

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where would you go?

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Oh! Erm...

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- Cambodia.
- Yes.

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- The food, the culture.
- Yep.

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It's so unfamiliar.

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There's a temple in the hills,

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and it's the quietest place

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I have ever been.

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Who are you talking to?

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Anna.

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Oh! Tell her to tell him he's a twat!

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Where would you go?

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I think...

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I would take a road trip around Europe.

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That's intrepid.

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I'd start in Austria.

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I love Austria.

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Then I'd go Czechoslovakia,

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then Poland.

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Yeah, that's the route the Nazis took.

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Right, that... that
isn't why I suggested

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- those countries.
- No.

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Maybe I'd go on to Paris.

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That's just making it worse.

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Did you tell him...

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about the... shit in the ears?

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- I heard that!
- What?!

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I heard you!

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Have you heard of the Bechdel test?

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- No.
- Right.

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Well, it's the measurement
of whether a scene

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features at least two women
talking to each other

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about something other than a man.

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Tell Michael

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I never want to speak to him ever again

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as long as I might live.

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Tell David that's the best
news that I've heard all day.

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_

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Can you hear me from over there?

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OK.

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It's just, I don't know,

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it's hard, you're only
in the corner of mine,

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but maybe it's... maybe I
could do something... Anyway.

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You want to... you want to
read it, read through it?

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There's not really any point.- Oh.

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They're reworking the Michael
character, doing rewrites.

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Oh...

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Why?

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Cos he's a psychopath.

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Sorry, are you not kidding?

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I can't see your face very well.

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Is that a joke? Why do you
say he's a psychopath?

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Well, have you read the script, Jim?

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- Yes, I've read the script.
- There you go, then.

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- I like this a lot.
- Really?

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- OK.
- OK, see,

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I... To me, David,

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the character of Michael,
it just seems very real.

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He's entirely implausible.

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Well, no, I mean, like, in a comedy way

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he's, like, heightened. It's
exaggerated for comedy.

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What he is is a fucking arsehole,
that's what he is.

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- I didn't get that. He's an asshole.
- Yeah.

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That's so fascinating
to me, it's not...

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Where...

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where do you see the asshole in this?

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No, no, he's not an
interesting arsehole.

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That doesn't make him enigmatic
and complicated.

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He's an entirely

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featureless arsehole.

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He's a vanilla arsehole.

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He's the most featureless
vanilla arsehole

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you could ever come across.

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I wonder,

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could you be more specific,

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like, about what's in here that...

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that reads asshole to you?

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I need a toehold.

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Well, he says I look pox-ridden.

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OK, pox-ridden. Yeah?

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Then he compares me to a Muppet.

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Yeah!

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Which is the comedy bit...

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Yeah, I mean, it's...

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I guess it's harsh.

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- Asshole.
- Says that my eyes tire.

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But I think, I mean, it's
just kind of fun playing.

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We're just kind of... We all put
out something that, like, we...

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we give something of ourself
to the process that we allow

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to be made fun of without
hurting too much,

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and, I mean, your eyes
are a little bloodshot.

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- Oh, right.
- From here.

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Are they portals to a barren,
parched, arid landscape?

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Are they?

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What, can you see the
scorched earth there?

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Have you got that?

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No, I don't see...

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I think that's definitely something
they'll have to add later

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in post, in edit.

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I mean, you're not
even playing the part.

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- I don't...
- Well, no, of course.

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Look, here's what I think it is.

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I think what you're
responding to in Michael

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is the way he's...

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- lashing out.
- Lashing out?

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Yes.

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Because his feelings are hurt.

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Right.

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Jim, have you even read the script?

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David, have you?

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Cos we're not seeing
the same thing at all.

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I've read all of my bits.

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David lied to him.

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Well, only in the show.

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Yes, you lied to him in the...

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What are we talking about?

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Nothing. That's it.

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- OK.
- Yeah.

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So Michael is hurting because
he feels disconnected

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from his best friend.

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Well...

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Yes. And it's very sweet to me.

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I mean, Michael is defined by David,

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and he doesn't have him right now.

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And David is defined by Michael.

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This symbiotic relationship.

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People love this kind of thing.

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It's symbiotic, like a
warthog and a mongoose.

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Which one am I?

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I don't know, David.

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This didn't go like I thought it would.

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You know what? Oh, my God,

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I forgot that

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my phone... is ringing.

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I don't hear your phone.

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OK, he's not talking to Michael.

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Yeah, and when he doesn't
talk to Michael,

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he talks to me. At me.

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- OK.
- Do you like bats, Simon?

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- Bats?
- Bats.

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Yeah, he's a bit like a bat,

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just sort of...

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spraying out white noise,

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echolocating,

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triangulating my position

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with his inane bollocks.

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Do you have a cupboard?

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Have you tried hiding?

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OK, you need to fix this.

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Why do I need to fix this?

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- Because you broke it.
- How did-I-break it?

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Because you left them here.

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- Not deliberately!
- No?!

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- No!
- No?

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No.

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OK, Simon, there is a call that
you scheduled today with them.

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Yeah? What's it about?

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Just notes on the script
from the other actors.

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OK, so you just need
to get them talking.

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- Right.
- So you need to try being...

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bright...

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and enthusiastic

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and... What are you doing?

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I'm writing down "bright
and enthusiastic".

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OK, Simon,

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are you going to able to handle this?

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Yes, yes, I can handle this.

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David and Michael, they just need...

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They have to start talking.

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David called me a mollusc.

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- You've been called worse.
- I've not.

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You fucking should have been.

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Um, Michael is a sadist.

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And David is a soggy paper bag.

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I mean...

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I think the pressing note
was that Michael comes across as...

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an impossible character.

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Nobody could be that

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ludicrously revolting.

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But can I... can I just stop you there?

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Because what's interesting
is, from the people

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who were reading with me,

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they felt that they wanted to see

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the Michael character

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be more punishing of
the David character,

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that if he is going to be that

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needy, and whingy,

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and moany

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that they wanted to see Michael
come in harder with him,

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like, to really, like, give it to him

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because he needs...

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he needs to be shaken like a rag doll.

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Michael, do you want to shake David?

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It's not me. Hey, these
are just characters.

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Got nothing to do me.
I am neutral in this.

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Interesting. Cos the
people I was reading with

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had very much the directly
opposite experience.

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They were... They found
this boorish bully,

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this unpleasant... who loved
the sound of his own voice.

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- OK.
- That's the feedback.

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I'm just giving you
an honest appraisal.

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Thank you, David. Thank you.

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And, Michael...

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Just a vessel, just
giving you what was said.

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Maybe, Michael, would you like
to say thank you to David?

227
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Would you like to thank
David for his honesty?

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Merci beaucoup to you.

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David, would you like to thank
Michael for his honesty?

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That didn't feel very sincere.

231
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So I don't want to... I don't
want to get involved in this.

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I think it... I think it trivialises
something quite important.

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OK, well, there's... there's

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a lot to be getting on with.

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Time for a lot of that.

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But I can...

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It's food for thought, isn't it?

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Where are you?

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I'm... in my house.

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You're not in your kitchen.

241
00:09:05,282 --> 00:09:06,274
No.

242
00:09:06,969 --> 00:09:08,753
I'm in my spare room.

243
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The baby's asleep in the kitchen.

244
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Uh, shit.

245
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I sort of need you to be in
your kitchen. I prepared it...

246
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I prepared it that way

247
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for you to be doing it in your kitchen,

248
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and I'd be doing it where
I feel most comfortable.

249
00:09:21,609 --> 00:09:24,249
Well, I'm so sorry, Josh, but...

250
00:09:25,973 --> 00:09:28,399
our baby didn't sleep at all last night,

251
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and then she just fell
asleep in the kitchen.

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So if you can work with it
being in the spare room

253
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rather than the kitchen, I
would be very appreciative.

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- All right.
- OK.

255
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OK. I can act wherever.

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- I don't need that, I guess.
- Thank you.

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Fine. Let's go. Let's go.

258
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But, you know, I don't think
you needed to learn it.

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I learn things.

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That's what I do.

261
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Look at me.

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Look at me.

263
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Yeah. Yeah.

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So maybe I held some things back,

265
00:10:02,775 --> 00:10:05,357
but only because I have found

266
00:10:05,537 --> 00:10:08,599
in my time with Michael that....

267
00:10:08,972 --> 00:10:10,624
Fuck's sake, man.

268
00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:12,839
For fuck's sake.

269
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:13,840
What?

270
00:10:13,949 --> 00:10:15,700
This is serious.

271
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,297
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- This.

272
00:10:17,336 --> 00:10:18,856
I'm being serious, I'm being serious.

273
00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,263
- I'm sorry.
- Let's go again. Let's go again.

274
00:10:21,378 --> 00:10:24,257
I wanted to avoid any hold-up.

275
00:10:24,314 --> 00:10:25,628
Let's not play the blame game.

276
00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:26,667
Stay with me.

277
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,429
That's it. Stay with me.

278
00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:29,621
You know,

279
00:10:29,934 --> 00:10:31,801
as our time was so limited.

280
00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:34,691
- Let's not start doing that.
- Now, let's take it somewhere else.

281
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:36,033
OK?

282
00:10:36,456 --> 00:10:37,896
Doing what?

283
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,119
Er... Pointing fingers?

284
00:10:44,408 --> 00:10:46,480
That's it. And I throw you the ball.

285
00:10:52,020 --> 00:10:54,199
Sorry, what do you want me to do?

286
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:57,079
Fucking make it up, OK?

287
00:10:57,355 --> 00:10:58,671
Improvisation,

288
00:10:58,773 --> 00:10:59,856
I believe it's called.

289
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:01,083
I'm really tired.

290
00:11:01,132 --> 00:11:03,364
Look at me. Look at me.

291
00:11:03,388 --> 00:11:05,549
- I don't want to!
- Look at me!

292
00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:06,952
I'm David.

293
00:11:07,017 --> 00:11:08,521
I'm David,

294
00:11:09,326 --> 00:11:11,516
I've called you every
name under the sun.

295
00:11:11,657 --> 00:11:12,838
You've taken it,

296
00:11:13,010 --> 00:11:14,720
taken it like a wee big baby.

297
00:11:14,755 --> 00:11:16,652
You've just taken it...

298
00:11:17,114 --> 00:11:19,313
to call you oversensitive.

299
00:11:19,338 --> 00:11:21,674
Do you know what? Do you know what?

300
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,008
You don't know the meaning

301
00:11:24,102 --> 00:11:25,463
of oversensitive.

302
00:11:25,488 --> 00:11:27,992
You're like a fucking
walking nerve end...

303
00:11:28,039 --> 00:11:29,570
Everything upsets you.

304
00:11:29,664 --> 00:11:31,959
I mean, I want to be there for you.

305
00:11:32,183 --> 00:11:33,910
But not a day goes by

306
00:11:33,941 --> 00:11:36,459
that something isn't gnawing

307
00:11:36,527 --> 00:11:39,399
at your stupid, stupid brain!

308
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,844
You know, I could cope when it was
about the big things, you know,

309
00:11:41,925 --> 00:11:44,520
when your daily
existential panic attacks

310
00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:46,519
were about a fucking plague!

311
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:50,146
But now the summit of your
concerns seems to be,

312
00:11:50,217 --> 00:11:53,307
"Oh, I can't use the dining
room for my phone call," or,

313
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:56,039
"Oh, I didn't know there
was a family calendar."

314
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,239
And that's fine. You know, that's fine.

315
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:00,051
But don't get on a video call

316
00:12:00,090 --> 00:12:02,156
with your stupid hangdog eyes

317
00:12:02,181 --> 00:12:03,719
and whine and whine and...!

318
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,896
Look, if it helps you to expunge,

319
00:12:06,123 --> 00:12:08,333
then fucking God bless

320
00:12:08,474 --> 00:12:11,302
and go for it. But I
don't work that way!

321
00:12:11,881 --> 00:12:13,677
I want to be there for...

322
00:12:13,708 --> 00:12:15,807
God knows I want to be
there for all my friends.

323
00:12:15,861 --> 00:12:17,879
I don't want to be here for them.

324
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,782
I want to be there for them.

325
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,223
Do you know what I'd like?

326
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,079
As if you'd ever fucking ask.

327
00:12:24,282 --> 00:12:25,719
I would like

328
00:12:26,069 --> 00:12:27,921
just to hug someone,

329
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,054
because I'm struggling, too.

330
00:12:30,079 --> 00:12:32,159
And listening to your agony aunt,

331
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:35,154
spoken-word, self-indulgent,

332
00:12:35,358 --> 00:12:39,201
self-help, shit undergrad, beat poem

333
00:12:39,807 --> 00:12:42,181
is fucking killing me!

334
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,040
That was fucking wild.

335
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:05,646
I just wondered whether you
were ever going to come out.

336
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:08,616
Am I a warthog or a mongoose?

337
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:10,872
I don't know. Er...

338
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:14,767
- I guess you'd be the mongoose.
- Oh, fuck you!

339
00:13:15,218 --> 00:13:17,223
All right, fine, be the warthog.

340
00:13:17,262 --> 00:13:18,972
I thought you meant physically.

341
00:13:19,455 --> 00:13:21,376
It's better than being Rafiki.

342
00:13:21,652 --> 00:13:23,015
Which one's Rafiki?

343
00:13:23,617 --> 00:13:24,989
He's the baboon.

344
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,921
Just call the fucking warthog.

345
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,120
I have become needy.

346
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,480
I've stopped listening.

347
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,520
- I just want to get back to normal.
- I know.

348
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:52,904
Can't go out, can't stay in,
can't go to work.

349
00:13:52,964 --> 00:13:55,008
It's like every shred of normality

350
00:13:55,024 --> 00:13:56,439
is now smeared in shit.

351
00:13:56,494 --> 00:13:58,104
I feel trapped.

352
00:13:58,875 --> 00:14:01,801
What, in these little digital boxes?

353
00:14:01,848 --> 00:14:02,787
Yes.

354
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,483
I fucking hate them.

355
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,314
Oh, I hate them.

356
00:14:07,844 --> 00:14:11,431
Staring at your face all day.

357
00:14:11,923 --> 00:14:14,677
Well, yes, I have to
stare at my face, too,

358
00:14:14,702 --> 00:14:16,412
grinning like a fucking loon.

359
00:14:16,474 --> 00:14:18,204
Like, I grin, like, "Are you funny?

360
00:14:18,229 --> 00:14:20,438
"I find you funny. So fucking funny!"

361
00:14:21,511 --> 00:14:23,856
A smile I don't believe in any more!

362
00:14:30,007 --> 00:14:31,171
You know,

363
00:14:31,398 --> 00:14:34,349
I haven't smiled properly in months.

364
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:37,384
I'm clamping my jaw so hard,

365
00:14:37,494 --> 00:14:39,325
it's giving me headaches.

366
00:14:39,566 --> 00:14:42,053
My masseter muscles are like
fucking walnuts.

367
00:14:42,762 --> 00:14:44,304
How long have we been here?

368
00:14:44,336 --> 00:14:45,319
What, in this hellscape,

369
00:14:45,358 --> 00:14:47,124
- pixel-mirror, time dungeon?
- Yes.

370
00:14:47,489 --> 00:14:49,329
A million years.

371
00:14:50,039 --> 00:14:51,246
Really?

372
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,560
Mm.

373
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:55,920
How do we escape?

374
00:14:58,606 --> 00:14:59,960
I don't know.

375
00:15:01,469 --> 00:15:05,493
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