- Maybe I am inert. - Oh, Jesus.
- You're not. - Maybe I am.
Why?
Cos I move through
time like a dust mote...
floating. I'm present...
but I'm not really there.
When did these conversations become so poetic?
I'm just afraid of becoming invisible.
I'm afraid of glass...
and electricity.
OK.
So obviously light bulbs are a no-no.
- Right. - And dying.
Sure.
Oh, this quiet is not good for me.
You should see a therapist.
I've got you.
I've been struck off.
Have you? Why?
Gross incompetence.
Well, not before time.
Yeah. You know, you have seemed a little bit more...
Introspective recently.
- Have I? - I mean, don't get me wrong,
you have always thoroughly enjoyed talking about yourself.
There's a lot to say.
But you've started seeming a bit...
What?
A little...
Yeah?
- Boring. - Boring?!
Tedious.
Ah, now you're just throwing around hurtful comments.
- Needy! - Just cos you won't listen...
I do nothing
but listen.
That is literally all I do,
every minute of every day...
My thoughts are interesting.
To you.
I am a public intellectual.
By what standard?!
I was Dictionary Corner on Countdown
on two occasions!
I'm just going through something!
I have got to go.
What, already?!
Yeah, oh, sorry. Time's up.
I've only had 40 minutes.
Yeah, well, I've got another call.
- With who? - New York.
Oh, wedding stuff.
Wedding stuff!
I've never been a best man.
Oh, Jesus.
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So, I know that we joke about it,
and about how much of it was improvised,
and I enjoy that as much as everybody else.
- It's a funny joke, but... - Would you say 30%?
- 30? - At least.
Ten at most.
I mean, 25.
This is not a negotiation.
And the Hamlet stuff, that was definitely me.
- Two, four, six, eight, moot away. - Yeah.
The having the mug in-shot, that was all me.
Fucking disco.
Well, that whole bit, wasn't it?
That was the whole bit, the whole being on set bit.
Oh, God. Yeah. I mean, I find it difficult
to remember anything that was scripted.
It's the... I mean, regardless of the percentage,
it's the improv that zings!
Cos all the bits that people talk about...
Muppet dance.
Yeah. We could have done without the Muppet dance.
People love that. There are memes of that everywhere.
So, irrespective of the percentage...
- 10%. - we contributed
a significant amount.
But I wrote it!
I wrote it, I sat down at a computer, this one,
and I typed the whole thing out.
It took weeks!
Yeah. And we improved it
immediately.
Bang!
So...
So, the other Davids and Michaels have been reading the script
and they're requesting changes. They've got notes...
- OK. - but I'm not allowed
to be a part of those conversations,
because people don't think that I had anything to do with it.
- Why not? - Because that's what you told them.
You told them I didn't write it. You said that.
- When? - All the time in all the interviews!
We gave you full credit in those interviews.
- Full credit? - Credit.
So, I know you're reading with the other Davids and Michaels today.
We are. Yeah, I'm reading with the Michaels.
And I am reading with the Davids.
Yeah, I'm sorry that will be boring for you, Michael.
Well, I'll get through it somehow.
So could I ask a favour,
could you try and find out what their notes are,
- what their thoughts are? - I suppose.
Thank you.
And maybe even just...
talk me up a bit.
Talk you up?
I mean, we're doing this under sufferance.
This is, you know, this is a punishment for us.
Yeah, this is our community service.
I'm not asking you to lie for me.
Oh, you're not asking us to lie, so...
So what are you asking from us, then, Simon?
Just...
tell them I wrote it.
I don't like it.
Well, Simon Evans wrote it.
- I don't think I want to do it. - Right.
I'll read it, but I have my concerns.
Like what?
- Feels cruel. - Cruel?
Unbarmherzig.
What does that mean exactly?
- Merciless, - Yes.
remorseless,
pitiless...
- Oh, it's supposed to be funny. - It's not.
- No? OK. - It's acrid.
- Should we read a bit? - Sure!
OK.
Um, so it's the scene where we're looking down
a series of photographs, I'm going to choose one
and I'm calling out the numbers.
I'll go from the top of the page.
"What about two, one, four, five?"
- "Is that make-up?" - "I put on a little foundation."
- "You look pox-ridden."
"I do not!"
"Why do you always do that thing with your mouth?"
- What thing? - "It's just a straight line
across your face."
"You look just like a Muppet."
"Well, your smile is a straight line too."
"But I've got a twinkle in my eye."
I have a twinkle in my eyes!
- "Your eyes tire." - Tire?!
- "Like a low-impact Gorgon." - Oh, fuck you.
See what I mean?
I mean, I just want to make sure I don't get oversensitive.
- Ah, this is bullshit! - You should calm down.
Oh, why? Because when I get emotional, I sound cartoonish?
Oh, I've heard that too.
Look, I wrote a scene today where I took a shit
from a high height on your big, stupid, Welsh, hairy head!
OK, good, good.
I mean, I've got nothing to say.
Have you got any questions or anything I can help with or...?
The... Your writer.
The writer is Simon Evans.
- Is he, like, anti-Scottish? - I don't think so.
David is just always whining.
I don't think it was meant as like a cultural comment.
He can't be like that, though, David,
in real life. Can he?
He calls me cartoonish later.
Michael's a cartoonish character.
He should have a shark tank in his basement,
a castle in a volcano.
I've done enough of both of them.
Yeah, trust me.
- Listen to me. - Yeah?
Whatever they say,
Michael's a paper doll.
He's a lazy stereotype.
- David's the real person. - Yes.
Yes, actually.
David is the real person.
With real struggles!
He's trying to connect.
Yes, he is trying to connect!
Across distance, strange technology,
just trying to speak and be heard.
Yeah, Michael just keeps shutting him down.
- It's sociopathic. - Yeah.
I'd never thought about that before.
Do you think I sound cartoonish?
Have you ever tried a thing called actioning?
No. No, I don't think so. No.
You work out what your character's action is
on every line,
like what he or she is doing.
If it can bring this more alive,
- then let's try. - OK.
So, just, let's try the...
Have you got the scene that begins with David putting his hand up?
- You know that one? - Yeah, yeah.
I'll be, I'm Joe.
- So... - OK.
David.
"Michaels being insufferable!"
Right, great, so...
so what's, what's David trying to do there?
Whine.
It's, it's sort of better if you think of it in terms of
what he's trying to do to the other character.
OK, oh, right.
So, what's he trying to do to Michael?
To whine at him.
OK.
Yeah, OK, let's just...
- Yeah? - Carry on? Let's do...
Do you want to do another bit?
- Yeah. - What have you got? Have you got something else there?
"Please, please, please!"
So what's he trying to do there?
Desecrate the memory of Robert the fucking Bruce.
When are we filming?
It has to be ready a fortnight today.
- I'm available. - Me too.
- It's just an online thing. - Great.
Just like some sketches
and a celebrity auction.
I have so much time.
So much time.
I snapped at David earlier.
- Why? How come? - He did a thing.
Yeah, Michael's struggling too.
In what way?
He's not sleeping very well.
David's grinding his teeth.
Michael's getting headaches.
Do you have any idea why?
He wants to feel mobile,
he wants to go to New York with me,
he wants to hug people,
raise a glass,
lift Lyra up and show her off.
Does he talk to anyone?
- A therapist? - Yeah, maybe.
Talks to David.
I suppose it's good that they have each other,
isn't it?
Well, David is a little two-dimensional.
That's... He's fine. It's the Michael character, really.
- Really, you think? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what we find.
No, he strikes me as quite rich,
sort of quite textured.
Really?
You know, improvisation's key.
Um... It's just listening.
Right, OK.
Listening and responding.
But you expect me to be funny.
Ideally, yeah.
- Do you know what, I'm just, I'm just
more comfortable with the script.
Well, it's just that that's the way we made it work before.
Well, sure, but, you know, Simon,
Simon Evans has sent me a script, so...
Yeah, yeah, but, you know,
what is written down is just like a skeleton
that we then build on.
Right.
Nuance is key.
You said improvisation was key.
Different keys.
OK.
Is that a banister?
Yeah.
You're sitting at the bottom of the stairs?
Yeah, it's just easier cos there's lights down here.
It's just, just... Yeah, it's fine.
I've never seen inside your house. I thought it'd be classier.
Yeah, yeah. It's just quite old, David.
What is it made of?
It's actually plastic.
Is it?
I'm ready when you are.
Wouldn't get away with that in Downton, would you?
Should we read some?
Oh, OK.
And Ken Jeong,
you have my CV and...
I am David.
I am an asshole.
Michael's being insufferable.
You look pox-ridden.
Can you try a different...
- flavour? - Yeah, yeah.
Find something kinder.
Yeah, so just like a kinder tone
- in the line. - No, no, no.
Put something in that's kinder.
- Let's start again, I'll take it from the top. - OK.
"What about two, one, four, five?"
- "Is that make-up?" - "I put on a little foundation."
You look really handsome.
That's great. That's much better.
This must be really hard for you.
- How do you mean? - You know,
reading these same scenes over and over again,
just seeing a parade of people
just playing versions of your best friend.
He's not my best friend.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought...
I have a friend in New York.
Still...
..strange, with all due respect.
I mean, if I were you, I'd be acting out.
I'd... Snapping,
you know, just shouting at birds...
No-one does that.
screaming about my deepest fears
with this dude.
He just doesn't get it.
You know, I watch this
and you're the angel,
and he is just... doesn't
see your brightness.
It's just like, you know,
it's like... Michael, you know,
I'm jealous of your greatness.
You know, how can I be as great as you?
You know, I don't have your range, innit?
I'm just not as great.
Well, don't compare yourself,
it's not a competition. You know, this is not...
It's not Britain's Got Talent, innit?
I didn't say it's Britain's Got Talent. It's...
I want, you know, I just want what you have.
I want you!
I want what you have, you know.
You know, give me what I want, innit?
It's, like, it's not like that.
It's just, you know, acting is energy,
it's like a ball of energy.
You're just playing, you're just tossing it back and forth,
back and forth, innit?
It's not about that.
It's about having the biggest ball
and the brightest energy!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Fuck you, innit?
I've got to say,
it just feels like we're going against the spirit.
No, come on, this is good. This is much better. Focus in.
Don't, don't, don't lose it.
- Pick it up. I'll pick it up. - OK.
- "I'm feeling inert." - "You're not feeling inert."
"Well, maybe I am."
Well, if you're feeling inert, then...
why?
I move through time
like a dust mote, floating,
present...
but entirely without impact.
I can see that you're grieving.
I'm fine.
You're not fine.
Yeah, I'm fine.
You're not fine.
No.
Michael, you're going through something profound.
Now, we all identify ourselves
in our reflections,
how people see us.
And your other person
isn't seeing you.
You are so right.
I miss...
people getting too close to me.
Endless buffets.
Using that.
Michael's being insufferable!
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