1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,719
Do you never get, like, you're at
the mercy of your thoughts,

2
00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:06,238
like they're going to smother you?

3
00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:07,024
No.

4
00:00:07,336 --> 00:00:08,508
Do you meditate?

5
00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:09,892
Never needed to.

6
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,679
I'm a very tranquil person.

7
00:00:11,714 --> 00:00:13,611
Never plagued with conscience?

8
00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:14,888
Nope.

9
00:00:15,455 --> 00:00:17,094
- Is that troubling?
- I don't know.

10
00:00:17,137 --> 00:00:19,359
Have you ever done anything... bad?

11
00:00:19,416 --> 00:00:20,818
Fuck, yes, all the time.

12
00:00:20,857 --> 00:00:22,709
Well, then, yes, it is a
little troubling. Yeah.

13
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:25,799
Any progress on New York?

14
00:00:27,025 --> 00:00:29,344
I'm thinking of asking Mary
if she can help out with it.

15
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:30,953
Oh, yeah? What could she do?

16
00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:32,737
She's got connections.

17
00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:35,483
- How's Italy looking?
- Romania.

18
00:00:35,554 --> 00:00:36,879
Did I know it was Romania?

19
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:38,462
Oh, I don't know. I mean, you know,

20
00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:40,719
chuck a dart at a globe, it's just...

21
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:42,183
How's Romania looking?

22
00:00:42,305 --> 00:00:43,386
I don't know. I mean, I usually

23
00:00:43,391 --> 00:00:44,764
have someone who sorts all
these things out for me.

24
00:00:44,789 --> 00:00:47,085
- Georgia says I could drive!
- Can you drive?

25
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,480
I usually have someone who
does that for me, too.

26
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:53,695
You know there's a rumour that Mary

27
00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:57,492
killed one of her clients
with their own Golden Globe?

28
00:00:57,517 --> 00:00:59,305
Oh, that's ridiculous!

29
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:00,919
You said she's got connections!

30
00:01:01,006 --> 00:01:02,648
In air travel.

31
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:04,270
You are sounding paranoid.

32
00:01:04,317 --> 00:01:05,256
I did not sleep.

33
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:06,853
Then go and have a nap!

34
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:09,002
- She could fire us!
- No!

35
00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:10,460
- No?
- Not both of us.

36
00:01:10,617 --> 00:01:12,495
Oh, are you going to throw me
under the bus?

37
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,059
- What?
- Are you? Answer the question.

38
00:01:14,084 --> 00:01:15,253
Are you going to throw
me under the bus?

39
00:01:15,293 --> 00:01:16,256
I mean, it was your idea.

40
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:18,012
- Are you going to tell her that?!
- Probably not!

41
00:01:18,037 --> 00:01:19,525
What does "probably not" mean?!

42
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,439
I probably won't tell her that

43
00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,118
because she probably
won't even be angry!

44
00:01:23,149 --> 00:01:25,286
- Yes, but if she is angry.
- Well, it was your idea.

45
00:01:25,426 --> 00:01:26,767
She will fire me!

46
00:01:26,792 --> 00:01:28,279
No, she won't!

47
00:01:28,324 --> 00:01:30,326
I can't be agent-less, not right now.

48
00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:32,928
Oh, fuck! Fuck!

49
00:01:33,021 --> 00:01:35,160
- Are Nick Frost and Simon
their clients?! - No.

50
00:01:35,230 --> 00:01:36,479
- Fuck!
- They're not!

51
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:39,039
- She's going to rip my fucking
face off! - They're not.

52
00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,141
- Are you...? You know that?
- Absolutely!

53
00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:42,879
I've got to get back to work.

54
00:01:42,963 --> 00:01:44,264
We are in this...

55
00:01:44,928 --> 00:01:45,928
together.

56
00:01:46,427 --> 00:01:47,349
You promise?

57
00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:49,263
I promise.

58
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:50,995
- Scout's honour?
- Will a cub do?

59
00:01:51,042 --> 00:01:52,075
Yeah. Cub's honour.

60
00:01:52,122 --> 00:01:54,599
Dib-dib, dob-dob.

61
00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,897
It's a solemn tryst
you make as a child,

62
00:01:56,922 --> 00:01:57,929
do not mock it.

63
00:01:57,983 --> 00:01:59,707
I make to thee,

64
00:02:00,033 --> 00:02:02,282
at this moment...

65
00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:03,759
Say it in Welsh.

66
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:07,331
solemn tryst...

67
00:02:14,372 --> 00:02:15,772
Amen.

68
00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:18,729
- Was that just a load of old
bollocks in Welsh?- Yeah.

69
00:02:18,792 --> 00:02:22,338
www.subtitulamos.tv

70
00:02:23,818 --> 00:02:25,382
Simon can't write women.

71
00:02:25,690 --> 00:02:27,440
- No.
- He just can't.

72
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:28,898
Sorry, Lucy.

73
00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:31,072
No, no, he really can't.

74
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,912
I have never called anyone "chiquitas".

75
00:02:34,006 --> 00:02:35,655
Does he not understand women?

76
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:37,919
- I think he's confused.
- But he has a girlfriend now.

77
00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:39,879
- Yeah, I know!
- Yeah, so maybe he'll improve.

78
00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:41,319
Yeah, but I need this scene now,

79
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:43,885
- so I can't really afford to
wait for him to mature. - Yeah.

80
00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:45,916
Should we just read it through?-

81
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,935
Yeah. Look, we can fix it as we go.
It can't be that bad.

82
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,400
"Hey, chiquitas!"

83
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,498
What did you ask him to do?

84
00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,438
Oh, um, like, I'm presenting
this this charity thing

85
00:02:59,477 --> 00:03:01,350
and I thought, like,
a Staged-style skit

86
00:03:01,375 --> 00:03:03,034
might be quite a nice way to open it.

87
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,439
- Yeah, great.
- So I thought, "Oh, I know.

88
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:08,409
"I'll ask the writer of Staged
to write us something."

89
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,070
And this is what he's written

90
00:03:10,332 --> 00:03:11,832
for us, for me. So...

91
00:03:12,777 --> 00:03:15,178
I don't think I can
get past "chiquitas".

92
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:18,113
Well, there's a "honey"
later, then "bitches",

93
00:03:18,457 --> 00:03:20,287
and then "baby".

94
00:03:20,365 --> 00:03:21,879
OK, nobody calls each other baby.

95
00:03:21,904 --> 00:03:24,339
- Michael says it to Lyra.
- Well, he should just learn her name.

96
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,717
Simon just lacks...

97
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:28,576
understanding.

98
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,773
- He's your brother!
- It's not genetic,

99
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:33,139
- and he's not the worst!
- Oh, God, no.

100
00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:35,401
I read for a character once

101
00:03:35,472 --> 00:03:37,920
who was described as
having happy breasts.

102
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,479
I had a stage direction once that said,

103
00:03:43,567 --> 00:03:45,879
"She covers her startled buttocks."

104
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,336
How did you do that?

105
00:03:47,369 --> 00:03:48,851
Well, I offered to draw some sort

106
00:03:48,888 --> 00:03:51,136
of big, wide eyes on
them with a Sharpie.

107
00:03:51,208 --> 00:03:53,405
- And did you?
- No, I did not. It got cut.

108
00:03:55,335 --> 00:03:57,215
Let's carry on reading.
It might get better.

109
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,178
- Hey, chiquitas!
- Great to see you again, gals!

110
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:02,662
Hi, bitches!

111
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,695
Fuck me, it's awful.

112
00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:07,404
Shall I... shall I make some changes?

113
00:04:07,443 --> 00:04:09,680
Can't we just do the original?
It was much better then.

114
00:04:09,705 --> 00:04:11,039
- Let me have a look.
- Have you got time?

115
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,119
I mean, it can't be that
difficult, Simon does it.

116
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,876
Hey, baby, can I have this
room in about 20 minutes?

117
00:04:14,901 --> 00:04:16,240
- What? No.
- I need it.

118
00:04:16,265 --> 00:04:17,789
- Why?
- I think I'm going to be shouted at.

119
00:04:17,805 --> 00:04:18,736
Hi, David!

120
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:20,799
Oh, hi, Lucy. Hi, Anna. All right?

121
00:04:20,824 --> 00:04:21,959
Hi. How are you?

122
00:04:21,984 --> 00:04:23,256
I'm going to be shouted at.

123
00:04:23,317 --> 00:04:24,416
Can I have the room?

124
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:25,799
Did you book it on the calendar?

125
00:04:25,869 --> 00:04:27,760
- What calendar?
- The one on the fridge.

126
00:04:28,873 --> 00:04:31,032
- No. - No? Well, then you
can't have the nice room.

127
00:04:31,057 --> 00:04:32,479
- But I need it!
- Why?

128
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,463
I need to look... valuable.

129
00:04:34,846 --> 00:04:36,034
Use the den.

130
00:04:36,741 --> 00:04:38,559
I didn't know there was a
calendar on the fridge.

131
00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,359
Well, it's new and
you missed orientation.

132
00:04:40,384 --> 00:04:42,416
Well, that's really unfair.

133
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,583
Won't be a sec!

134
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:51,828
- All right.
- How long have we got?

135
00:04:52,795 --> 00:04:53,982
Couple of minutes.

136
00:04:54,411 --> 00:04:55,411
Great.

137
00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,442
Definitely in this together, yeah?

138
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,489
Yes.

139
00:05:02,292 --> 00:05:03,672
As ever!

140
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,919
- What the fuck's that?
- What?

141
00:05:05,995 --> 00:05:08,279
- Why are you wearing a shirt?
- I just put it on.

142
00:05:08,369 --> 00:05:11,175
As long as I have known you,
I've never seen you wearing a shirt.

143
00:05:11,249 --> 00:05:14,119
I have historically worn a shirt.

144
00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:15,319
Why are you wearing a shirt?

145
00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,519
Just because you fused with a hoodie...

146
00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:19,201
You trying to impress Mary, are you?

147
00:05:19,226 --> 00:05:20,420
No!

148
00:05:21,249 --> 00:05:22,560
You wanker.

149
00:05:39,305 --> 00:05:41,144
What? What are they?

150
00:05:41,177 --> 00:05:42,656
Just a little design choice.

151
00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:45,679
- Are you set dressing?
- A bit of visual furniture.

152
00:05:45,730 --> 00:05:48,160
Jesus, you are shameless.

153
00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:51,448
Just think the frame was
a bit empty, I think.

154
00:05:52,442 --> 00:05:53,580
Better.

155
00:05:55,350 --> 00:05:56,498
Where are you going?

156
00:05:56,654 --> 00:05:58,156
- Just getting some books.
- What books?

157
00:05:58,187 --> 00:05:59,575
Books from my library.

158
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,064
Is it the fucking Twilight books?

159
00:06:01,091 --> 00:06:05,058
$3 billion worldwide, chum!

160
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:06,718
Wanker!

161
00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:09,919
Right, no, no. Don't, don't
you bring Harry Potter in.

162
00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:12,240
Do not bring Har...! Right.

163
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,239
Is that Lyra?

164
00:06:19,436 --> 00:06:21,759
Could you be quiet, please?
She's sleeping.

165
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:23,811
You're using your daughter
as leverage?!

166
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,868
I am being an attentive father.

167
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,714
- How?!
- I'm helping her sleep.

168
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:30,199
She was asleep already!

169
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,611
- Hi, there!
- Hey!- Hey, Tom.

170
00:06:32,721 --> 00:06:33,641
Hey!

171
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,948
Whoa, Michael, did you
make your own suit?

172
00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:39,719
I was just doing an awards thing.
I won...

173
00:06:39,757 --> 00:06:41,719
- You won an award?
- What did you win?

174
00:06:41,842 --> 00:06:45,028
Oh, talking about awards,
woofty doofty, David!

175
00:06:45,073 --> 00:06:46,632
What are those behind you?

176
00:06:46,665 --> 00:06:48,784
Oh, these guys? Just, you know...

177
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,333
Oh, my goodness. We have
a little Doctor Who.

178
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:52,899
What else have we got back there?

179
00:06:52,923 --> 00:06:54,416
I mean, what can't you do?

180
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:57,319
It's just a few. You know,
most of them are over there.

181
00:06:57,426 --> 00:06:59,335
Sorry, could...? Sorry. Sorry, guys.

182
00:06:59,409 --> 00:07:01,799
Could you just keep
it down a little bit?

183
00:07:01,830 --> 00:07:03,359
The baby's sleeping.

184
00:07:03,384 --> 00:07:05,129
Is she actually in there?

185
00:07:05,249 --> 00:07:06,336
Yes.

186
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:08,239
Could you please keep it quiet?

187
00:07:08,380 --> 00:07:10,600
- Could we see her? Could we see
her, then? - Could we see her?

188
00:07:10,663 --> 00:07:12,799
I don't want to wake her up.
I don't want to disturb her.

189
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,079
I'll be so quiet, Michael.

190
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:15,661
Do you, do you have children, Tom?

191
00:07:15,755 --> 00:07:17,616
- No, I'm infertile.
- Right.

192
00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:19,866
So I got Mary for both
you guys, if you want.

193
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,559
Yeah. Tom, before you put her on,

194
00:07:22,678 --> 00:07:25,159
this story about Mary
and the Golden Globe, that's...

195
00:07:25,184 --> 00:07:26,824
I mean, that's just stupid, isn't it?

196
00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:29,030
What are you talking about?

197
00:07:29,147 --> 00:07:31,818
There was a client with a
Golden Globe and there was a...

198
00:07:31,850 --> 00:07:33,597
Yeah, that was never
proven, that was a story.

199
00:07:33,622 --> 00:07:34,772
So many rumours going
around Hollywood...

200
00:07:34,850 --> 00:07:37,421
Literally, there's no... I don't
know why we're talking about this.

201
00:07:37,446 --> 00:07:38,885
There's no way to prove anything.

202
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:41,759
OK, and what's her mood like today?

203
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:44,083
- Oh, she's great!
- Good great or bad great?

204
00:07:44,152 --> 00:07:45,551
No, she's as per. As per.

205
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:48,120
Is as per, like, positive or negative?

206
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:50,975
Michael, did you hear him?!

207
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,864
"Is as per, like, positive or negative?"

208
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,821
- I do not... I...
- Of course, it's as per!

209
00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:56,970
David!

210
00:07:57,478 --> 00:07:58,935
- OK.
- He's ridiculous.

211
00:08:00,601 --> 00:08:02,306
Oh, she's Mary, David!

212
00:08:02,353 --> 00:08:03,393
Yeah.

213
00:08:06,144 --> 00:08:07,599
Oh, man, I needed that.

214
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:11,113
I was hoping you'd slam-dunk a laugh
in my face and you did today.

215
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,719
Oh, Michael, you should
try learning jokes!

216
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,039
I think it would help you!

217
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,999
- Tom. - It would get rid
of, like, the visual stuff.

218
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,461
Tom, does Mary like children?

219
00:08:19,469 --> 00:08:21,074
Is she a big children fan?

220
00:08:21,145 --> 00:08:23,237
I'm sorry, Michael, you're
making literally no sense.

221
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:24,782
If I held...

222
00:08:25,155 --> 00:08:26,677
the baby here...

223
00:08:26,817 --> 00:08:28,445
Are you Lion King-ing her?

224
00:08:28,476 --> 00:08:31,014
Are you cradling? Tell me what
the position of the baby is.

225
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:33,341
I could, I could dandle her.

226
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:34,759
Do you know dandling?

227
00:08:34,956 --> 00:08:36,931
Yeah, it's a Michael Jackson
over the thing thing,

228
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:38,999
- you don't want to do that.
- I can also get my baby,

229
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,012
- if you think it'll help.
- How old is your baby, David?

230
00:08:41,076 --> 00:08:43,594
- Tell me everything!
- The same. She's also one.

231
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:45,085
Oh, my, that is so...!

232
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:47,119
David's got so many of them, though,

233
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,347
they mean much less to him

234
00:08:49,418 --> 00:08:51,279
than my one means to me.

235
00:08:51,319 --> 00:08:52,854
- Well...
- It's spread out over his.

236
00:08:52,886 --> 00:08:54,183
I'm going to head out, OK?

237
00:08:54,208 --> 00:08:56,639
And enjoy whatever Bar Mitzvah
you're going to after this, Michael,

238
00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:57,875
that's why I assume you're wearing that.

239
00:08:57,906 --> 00:08:58,906
- Thank you.
- Talk soon.

240
00:08:59,004 --> 00:09:01,160
- Bye.
- Here comes Mary!

241
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:04,360
How's the baby, David?

242
00:09:05,355 --> 00:09:06,406
Me?

243
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,239
- No, you.
- Michael.

244
00:09:08,301 --> 00:09:09,176
Michael?

245
00:09:09,606 --> 00:09:10,764
I thought you were David.

246
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:12,222
Nope

247
00:09:12,797 --> 00:09:13,957
How's the baby?

248
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,208
She's asleep.

249
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,119
Then why is she on the call?

250
00:09:19,152 --> 00:09:20,975
I'm being attentive.

251
00:09:21,066 --> 00:09:22,480
Do you have any children, Mary?

252
00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:24,351
I have clients.

253
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:27,200
Simon and Nick are out.

254
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:30,154
- Yeah.
- We heard, yeah.

255
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,720
Which one of you wants to
tell me what happened?

256
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:36,000
Uh...

257
00:09:36,953 --> 00:09:38,319
What did they say?

258
00:09:38,382 --> 00:09:40,599
- They said you were dickheads.
- Did they?

259
00:09:40,671 --> 00:09:42,550
- They said that?!
- I'm summarising.

260
00:09:42,605 --> 00:09:43,856
- From what?
- A quote.

261
00:09:43,919 --> 00:09:44,637
Right.

262
00:09:44,677 --> 00:09:46,024
So what did you do?

263
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:49,337
Guys, you did something.

264
00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:50,568
What did you do?

265
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:53,005
- It was David's idea.
- Seriously?

266
00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:54,330
What did you do?

267
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,496
Look, Simon and Nick reached out to us.

268
00:09:57,521 --> 00:09:58,909
- Through David.
- To both of us.

269
00:09:58,971 --> 00:10:00,635
- You know, mainly David.
- Can I tell the story?

270
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:03,001
- Are you sweating?
- Yeah, you do look a bit shiny, David.

271
00:10:03,032 --> 00:10:04,246
- Am I shiny?
- Are you sick?

272
00:10:04,285 --> 00:10:06,606
- I told him he should have a nap.
- Just keep going, OK?

273
00:10:06,637 --> 00:10:08,999
Well, Simon and Nick
reached out to both of us

274
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,446
and they actually asked

275
00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:12,616
if we would jump on a call

276
00:10:12,641 --> 00:10:14,199
so that they could ask
us some questions.

277
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,599
And then David suggested...

278
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:17,461
No, I didn't...

279
00:10:17,508 --> 00:10:19,708
No, it wasn't a suggestion,
it was, it was a joke.

280
00:10:19,803 --> 00:10:20,933
Oh, it wasn't a joke.

281
00:10:20,958 --> 00:10:22,559
- It was a joke.
- No, it was a plot.

282
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,648
No, it was a joke
that Michael took too seriously.

283
00:10:24,676 --> 00:10:26,555
No, it was a plot to sabotage them!

284
00:10:26,736 --> 00:10:27,929
Sabotage them?

285
00:10:28,110 --> 00:10:29,407
- Yes.
- Why?

286
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,467
Listen, Mary, can I moot an idea?

287
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,288
What the fuck is a moot?

288
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:35,537
Might it be

289
00:10:35,740 --> 00:10:37,015
that actually

290
00:10:37,234 --> 00:10:38,531
we have done the production,

291
00:10:38,582 --> 00:10:40,622
and indeed you, a bit of a favour here?

292
00:10:41,656 --> 00:10:42,895
Explain how.

293
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:45,039
Well, look, Michael and
I are still available.

294
00:10:45,073 --> 00:10:45,823
Yeah?

295
00:10:46,073 --> 00:10:47,218
Simon and Nick...

296
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:50,472
if we're all honest about it,
were never really right for this,

297
00:10:50,605 --> 00:10:53,879
were they? It's a tired old
bit of shtick that they do.

298
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:54,959
It's all a bit...

299
00:10:55,912 --> 00:10:56,933
Ooh-aah, ahh. Boy, all right.

300
00:10:56,961 --> 00:10:58,728
You know, it's...

301
00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:00,016
it's niche.

302
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,716
Um, and now they've stepped away,

303
00:11:01,771 --> 00:11:03,211
we can step back in.

304
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:04,894
We're the originators

305
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:06,604
and your clients.

306
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:12,326
Simon and Nick are also my clients.

307
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:15,565
OK, are they? Right.

308
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:17,905
And they are exceptional actors.

309
00:11:17,964 --> 00:11:19,335
No, no. Sure, sure.

310
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:20,806
It's just that Michael said that...

311
00:11:20,834 --> 00:11:23,519
Yeah, but, you know, their value

312
00:11:23,886 --> 00:11:25,858
far exceeds yours

313
00:11:25,967 --> 00:11:27,480
on every level.

314
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,479
Sor... Mar... is that
both of us though?

315
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,394
- Yeah.
- One not more than the other?

316
00:11:33,433 --> 00:11:35,417
- No, both.
- I am talented!

317
00:11:35,442 --> 00:11:37,641
But they're Box Office gold.

318
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:38,604
Well,

319
00:11:38,815 --> 00:11:40,574
Harry Potter made nearly ten million.

320
00:11:40,576 --> 00:11:43,495
- You were in one film!
- That is not helpful!

321
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:44,896
And only one scene!

322
00:11:44,969 --> 00:11:46,688
And, and also a flashback!

323
00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:49,009
I was actually, actually

324
00:11:49,048 --> 00:11:51,324
in four of the Twilight films.

325
00:11:51,349 --> 00:11:54,119
- I'm Doctor Who!
- Not any more, baby!

326
00:11:54,168 --> 00:11:56,119
Well, I've still got the
People's Choice Award!

327
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,399
And this turned sideways,
I turn it like that,

328
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,599
I ram it up your tight Welsh rectum!

329
00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:02,639
And that is exactly where
that award should go,

330
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:05,944
right up there, with the
rest of my excrement!

331
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:09,705
And on a personal note,

332
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,313
you managed to embarrass me.

333
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,158
- How?
- Simon and Nick,

334
00:12:15,377 --> 00:12:16,767
they talk to people.

335
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:19,917
Well, we can fix that. We
can talk to people. - Yeah.

336
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,645
Who could you talk to?

337
00:12:23,442 --> 00:12:26,134
The werewolves... in Twilight?

338
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:28,671
Harry Potter?

339
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:31,990
Your sleeping baby?

340
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:33,879
You can't talk to anybody.

341
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:35,655
- Sorry, Mary.
- Sorry, Mary.

342
00:12:35,748 --> 00:12:37,764
So here's what we're going to do.

343
00:12:38,194 --> 00:12:40,999
I'm going to offer you
both up to read again

344
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,358
with whoever

345
00:12:42,545 --> 00:12:43,945
they want to see next

346
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:45,679
and you're going to do it politely,

347
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,788
and you're going to do it competently

348
00:12:47,813 --> 00:12:49,727
and you're going to
fucking do it for free.

349
00:12:49,821 --> 00:12:51,210
Of cou... Absolutely, makes sense.

350
00:12:51,255 --> 00:12:51,936
Yeah. Yeah.

351
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,843
I can mend some relationships,

352
00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:55,981
but you motherfuckers show people

353
00:12:56,028 --> 00:12:57,776
that you can play well with others.

354
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,363
- Do you understand me?
- Yeah.

355
00:12:59,658 --> 00:13:00,487
Got it.

356
00:13:00,550 --> 00:13:02,589
And is there absolutely no chance

357
00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:04,726
that we can play ourselves in this?

358
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,968
I was in more scenes.

359
00:13:17,955 --> 00:13:19,171
What, in Harry Potter?

360
00:13:19,405 --> 00:13:21,095
- Originally, yeah.
- They cut them?

361
00:13:21,096 --> 00:13:23,228
- Well, they rewrote them.
- Without you.

362
00:13:23,330 --> 00:13:24,536
Without my character, yeah.

363
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,760
- So they were cut.
- They were changed.

364
00:13:29,514 --> 00:13:30,698
We're valuable.

365
00:13:30,776 --> 00:13:32,478
- Hugely!
- We are.

366
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,629
What are we going to do now?

367
00:13:35,699 --> 00:13:37,028
Play nicely.

368
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,760
You ever had a scene cut?

369
00:13:44,019 --> 00:13:45,067
Once.

370
00:13:45,502 --> 00:13:46,581
Oh, yeah? What in?

371
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:48,325
In GoldenEye.

372
00:13:48,731 --> 00:13:51,541
GoldenEye?! What were
you going to do in GoldenEye?!

373
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,538
You know the scene when he
says, "Bond, James Bond"?

374
00:13:54,725 --> 00:13:55,616
Of course.

375
00:13:55,716 --> 00:13:57,679
Well, it was Pierce
Brosnan's first time,

376
00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:00,327
so they wanted the character
to say that twice.

377
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:01,765
Right. What did you have to do?

378
00:14:01,820 --> 00:14:03,309
I had to say, "Say it again?."

379
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:04,371
And...?

380
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:06,066
He said it again.

381
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:07,159
Right.

382
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,212
Bond, James Bond.

383
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:10,588
Say it again?

384
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:13,105
Bond, James Bond!

385
00:14:13,456 --> 00:14:14,446
And scene.

386
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:16,706
- They cut that?!
- They did.

387
00:14:16,869 --> 00:14:17,954
Wankers.

388
00:14:18,204 --> 00:14:20,317
- No credit, nothing?
- Nothing.

389
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,174
And I can't play Bond now!

390
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,143
- Really?
- Yeah, that's the rule.

391
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,639
That's why they couldn't
offer it to me last time.

392
00:14:27,716 --> 00:14:28,751
Was that why?

393
00:14:29,416 --> 00:14:30,416
Right.

394
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,044
Yes. I was rumoured
to be in the running

395
00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:34,256
to play James Bond once.

396
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:35,604
You were rumoured?

397
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:38,202
"Ex Doctor Who could be stepping
out of the TARDIS

398
00:14:38,241 --> 00:14:40,199
"and into a dinner jacket,"
that kind of stuff.

399
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,792
Yeah, no, there was...
They did that thing

400
00:14:41,817 --> 00:14:43,599
where they Photoshop my head...

401
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:45,578
With your head put on
like a pools winner.

402
00:14:45,633 --> 00:14:48,039
Well, yeah. I mean, it wasn't
the greatest Photoshop ever,

403
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,421
but the principle was there.

404
00:14:50,875 --> 00:14:52,954
Have you never been in the running
for Doctor Who?

405
00:14:52,992 --> 00:14:55,161
- Ah, I came close.
- Did you?!

406
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:56,866
I was offered it.

407
00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:58,985
No! What happened?!

408
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:02,073
I don't know. They just
suddenly changed their mind,

409
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,560
said they decided to go
in a different direction.

410
00:15:06,288 --> 00:15:10,354
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