1 00:01:33,413 --> 00:01:38,413 Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com 2 00:01:51,216 --> 00:01:53,432 _ 3 00:01:53,528 --> 00:01:55,377 _ 4 00:01:55,474 --> 00:01:57,197 _ 5 00:01:57,316 --> 00:01:59,276 _ 6 00:02:01,684 --> 00:02:03,510 _ 7 00:02:05,113 --> 00:02:07,127 _ 8 00:02:07,151 --> 00:02:10,583 _ 9 00:02:15,910 --> 00:02:17,322 Hi. 10 00:02:17,347 --> 00:02:19,838 Sorry, sir, this is a private meeting. 11 00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:22,619 Uh, this is SA, right? 12 00:02:22,644 --> 00:02:24,041 Yeah. 13 00:02:25,164 --> 00:02:26,382 Can I come in? 14 00:02:26,407 --> 00:02:28,307 It's invitation only. 15 00:02:29,497 --> 00:02:31,901 Let... um, Landis. 16 00:02:32,912 --> 00:02:34,131 What? 17 00:02:34,369 --> 00:02:35,826 Landis. 18 00:02:35,851 --> 00:02:37,471 Right? Isn't that the... the password? 19 00:02:37,496 --> 00:02:40,061 - No. - That was last week's password. 20 00:02:40,086 --> 00:02:41,398 Well, that... that's the password 21 00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:43,486 that was given to me, so... 22 00:02:43,511 --> 00:02:45,513 - Who told you? - It's kind of complicated. 23 00:02:45,538 --> 00:02:47,592 Could... could I just come inside, please? 24 00:02:47,617 --> 00:02:50,046 - Sorry, can't let ya in. - Wait, wait, wait. 25 00:02:50,071 --> 00:02:52,351 I've got cookies and doughnuts. 26 00:02:53,638 --> 00:02:54,858 Thanks. 27 00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:57,436 - Now beat it. - No! 28 00:02:57,461 --> 00:02:59,913 Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen! 29 00:03:01,211 --> 00:03:03,327 I'm the Naperville Ripper. 30 00:03:04,638 --> 00:03:05,726 Then go to the cops. 31 00:03:05,751 --> 00:03:07,671 I can't. I need help. 32 00:03:07,696 --> 00:03:10,686 And you may be the only ones who know what's going on. 33 00:03:10,711 --> 00:03:13,531 Okay? There's some seriously weird shit is happening 34 00:03:13,556 --> 00:03:15,179 to me right now. 35 00:03:15,204 --> 00:03:17,510 Please, I have nowhere else to go. 36 00:03:17,717 --> 00:03:19,711 Listen, when he called the hotline, 37 00:03:19,736 --> 00:03:22,179 Zella said he was kind of a douche. 38 00:03:22,384 --> 00:03:23,570 Zella, the woman on the phone? 39 00:03:23,594 --> 00:03:24,781 The one who thinks she's a squirrel? 40 00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:25,905 I mean, uh... 41 00:03:25,937 --> 00:03:28,549 Hey, come on, Scott, lighten up and let the poor guy in. 42 00:03:32,220 --> 00:03:33,395 Thank you. 43 00:03:33,482 --> 00:03:35,519 Thank you very much. 44 00:03:36,985 --> 00:03:38,308 Thank you, Scott. 45 00:03:48,005 --> 00:03:50,218 Welcome to Shapeshifters Anonymous. 46 00:03:50,243 --> 00:03:52,637 I'm Irena Reed, chapter president. 47 00:03:52,778 --> 00:03:54,606 - Oh, yeah, hi, I... - Ooh. 48 00:04:12,103 --> 00:04:13,452 It's a beautiful basement. 49 00:04:13,477 --> 00:04:15,070 Thank you. 50 00:04:15,583 --> 00:04:17,193 So, uh, what's your name? 51 00:04:17,218 --> 00:04:18,819 Oh, I thought this was anonymous. 52 00:04:18,844 --> 00:04:20,867 Oh, the founders thought that Shapeshifters Anonymous 53 00:04:20,891 --> 00:04:22,600 had more gravitas. 54 00:04:22,625 --> 00:04:24,374 - Gravitas? - Mm-hmm. 55 00:04:24,399 --> 00:04:27,315 You know, depth. 56 00:04:27,457 --> 00:04:29,415 Sorry, I'm a schoolteacher, 57 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,616 and it's one of our vocab words this week. 58 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:34,176 When this group was created, they thought that 59 00:04:34,201 --> 00:04:36,334 Shapeshifters Anonymous sounded better than any 60 00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:38,397 of the other potential options. 61 00:04:38,504 --> 00:04:42,264 We were this close to be called Shapeshifters R Us. 62 00:04:43,006 --> 00:04:44,530 Okay. 63 00:04:45,493 --> 00:04:47,147 My name is Robert Weston, 64 00:04:47,172 --> 00:04:50,468 and I have been having a very hard time... 65 00:04:50,493 --> 00:04:52,397 - Mm-hmm. - Lately and I don't know 66 00:04:52,422 --> 00:04:53,671 where else to turn, so... 67 00:04:53,696 --> 00:04:56,100 Well, we find it best to start at the beginning. 68 00:04:56,928 --> 00:04:58,800 About three months ago... 69 00:04:58,825 --> 00:05:01,639 This is gonna sound kind of weird, but I started 70 00:05:01,664 --> 00:05:04,272 finding strange things in my, uh, toilet. 71 00:05:04,543 --> 00:05:06,498 I've never had any health problems before, actually, 72 00:05:06,522 --> 00:05:09,014 I think I'm in pretty good shape, but this threw me. 73 00:05:09,039 --> 00:05:10,586 I couldn't quite figure out what it was. 74 00:05:10,610 --> 00:05:12,886 I mean, it was sort of like little white stones 75 00:05:12,911 --> 00:05:14,983 and bits of fabric. 76 00:05:15,008 --> 00:05:18,577 The doctor asked me to bring in a sample of my, um, 77 00:05:18,602 --> 00:05:20,604 my... my stool. 78 00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:27,999 Mr. Weston? 79 00:05:43,339 --> 00:05:44,921 _ 80 00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:56,460 Okay, I have to ask the obvious first, 81 00:05:57,006 --> 00:06:00,194 have you been eating little stones or strips of fabric? 82 00:06:00,219 --> 00:06:01,389 Not that I know of. 83 00:06:01,414 --> 00:06:04,278 Uh, has your diet changed recently, 84 00:06:04,303 --> 00:06:05,826 eating anything new or exotic? 85 00:06:07,417 --> 00:06:09,038 Says it started three months ago. 86 00:06:09,063 --> 00:06:10,769 - Intermittent? - Two or three times a month. 87 00:06:10,793 --> 00:06:12,350 But then everything's fine. 88 00:06:12,375 --> 00:06:16,702 And you're finding unusual things in your stool. 89 00:06:16,899 --> 00:06:19,380 Every... every time I go to the bathroom, yeah. 90 00:06:19,405 --> 00:06:22,442 Mm, well, let's take a look. 91 00:06:24,109 --> 00:06:25,723 You... you have a roommate? 92 00:06:25,748 --> 00:06:27,967 Anybody that likes to play practical jokes? 93 00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:29,901 I, uh... I live alone. 94 00:06:29,926 --> 00:06:31,362 You drink? 95 00:06:31,387 --> 00:06:33,129 - Um... - Use drugs? 96 00:06:33,154 --> 00:06:34,989 Deep breath. 97 00:06:35,014 --> 00:06:36,755 I have the occasional beer. 98 00:06:36,780 --> 00:06:37,780 Uh-huh. 99 00:06:37,805 --> 00:06:39,739 You ever drink too much, black out? 100 00:06:39,764 --> 00:06:41,957 There have been a few times where things have 101 00:06:41,982 --> 00:06:45,497 gotten fuzzy, kind of like... sleepwalking, I guess. 102 00:06:45,522 --> 00:06:47,403 - Ooh! - Hang on. I think I found something. 103 00:06:47,428 --> 00:06:49,504 - Doc. - Alright, hang on. 104 00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:50,957 Jesus. 105 00:06:50,982 --> 00:06:54,681 And now we are getting somewhere. 106 00:06:55,187 --> 00:06:56,537 Let's see here. 107 00:06:56,562 --> 00:07:00,372 Looks like we have a coat button. 108 00:07:00,870 --> 00:07:02,281 A piece of a zipper. 109 00:07:02,306 --> 00:07:06,653 And 20, 40, 63 cents in change. 110 00:07:12,405 --> 00:07:14,146 I didn't eat those things. 111 00:07:14,171 --> 00:07:17,090 Well, had to end up inside you one way or another. 112 00:07:17,115 --> 00:07:18,162 Well, just count yourself lucky. 113 00:07:18,186 --> 00:07:20,778 I once had a patient who, while sleepwalking, logged 114 00:07:20,803 --> 00:07:23,692 into an internet casino, lose $78,000. 115 00:07:24,084 --> 00:07:26,075 And he came to see you about his sleepwalking? 116 00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:27,754 Oh no, he came to set his broken nose 117 00:07:27,779 --> 00:07:29,434 after his wife found out. 118 00:07:29,459 --> 00:07:32,920 Look, I... I don't... I don't think it's anything serious, alright. 119 00:07:32,945 --> 00:07:35,488 I... I'll prescribe a mild sleep aid to help you 120 00:07:35,513 --> 00:07:37,602 with your late-night snacking. 121 00:07:37,627 --> 00:07:40,058 You might just wanna go through your place and, you know, 122 00:07:40,083 --> 00:07:42,997 get rid of anything that looks... tasty. 123 00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:45,567 Now, I know, I have an associate... 124 00:07:45,592 --> 00:07:48,426 Let me guess. They recommended a shrink. 125 00:07:48,451 --> 00:07:50,329 Yeah, how'd you know? 126 00:07:50,354 --> 00:07:51,505 Because they're fucking idiots, 127 00:07:51,529 --> 00:07:53,168 and they don't know anything. 128 00:07:53,356 --> 00:07:56,161 So, how did the murders come into play? 129 00:07:56,186 --> 00:08:00,348 The Ripper has been a very busy boy these days. 130 00:08:00,373 --> 00:08:02,523 - What do you remember? - I don't remember anything. 131 00:08:02,548 --> 00:08:05,477 I just... I... I have these blackouts, and then I wake up 132 00:08:05,502 --> 00:08:09,102 and things I find are... gross. 133 00:08:09,127 --> 00:08:11,664 I'm actually really surprised that you didn't go to the cops. 134 00:08:11,689 --> 00:08:13,742 You seem like a really straight-up guy. 135 00:08:13,767 --> 00:08:15,547 I am. 136 00:08:15,813 --> 00:08:18,594 - I'm not a murderer, I... - Hey. 137 00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:21,438 Maybe we should just start the meeting. 138 00:08:22,584 --> 00:08:25,469 Um, everyone, this is Robert Weston. 139 00:08:30,638 --> 00:08:32,850 Sorry, they're not very social when there's food 140 00:08:32,875 --> 00:08:34,336 in front of them. 141 00:08:35,804 --> 00:08:37,172 Is this for real? 142 00:08:37,197 --> 00:08:39,721 Well, do you believe that you're a therianthrope? 143 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:43,203 A person who changes into an animal when the moon is full? 144 00:08:43,228 --> 00:08:44,234 I mean, I don't know. 145 00:08:44,259 --> 00:08:45,933 A couple days ago, I didn't believe in any of this. 146 00:08:45,957 --> 00:08:47,717 So now I'm at a support group for werewolves, 147 00:08:47,742 --> 00:08:50,258 - and it's a little... - Is that what you turn into? 148 00:08:50,283 --> 00:08:51,992 A wolf? 149 00:08:52,735 --> 00:08:54,041 What else is there? 150 00:08:54,066 --> 00:08:56,222 I'm a were-cheetah. 151 00:08:57,415 --> 00:08:59,117 - A were-cheetah? - Mm-hmm. 152 00:08:59,142 --> 00:09:00,927 Is that why you wore the blouse? 153 00:09:00,952 --> 00:09:03,955 Oh no, no, I just... I... I actually turn 154 00:09:03,980 --> 00:09:06,635 into a cheetah. Rrruh. 155 00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:09,930 Okay. 156 00:09:09,955 --> 00:09:11,585 Which is really ironic, because, you know, 157 00:09:11,609 --> 00:09:12,969 I'm a schoolteacher. 158 00:09:13,196 --> 00:09:17,341 You know. And... we expel cheetahs. 159 00:09:17,366 --> 00:09:18,716 Get it? 160 00:09:18,741 --> 00:09:20,201 Okay, I think I'm gonna go. 161 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,677 Hey, no, you shouldn't leave. 162 00:09:22,909 --> 00:09:25,554 Why not? This is ludicrous. 163 00:09:25,579 --> 00:09:28,287 I mean, have you not heard what I have been saying to you? 164 00:09:28,719 --> 00:09:30,334 I think I am killing people. 165 00:09:30,359 --> 00:09:31,577 Like, innocent people. 166 00:09:31,602 --> 00:09:32,630 Yes, I get it. 167 00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:35,888 But if you are what you think you are... 168 00:09:36,548 --> 00:09:40,529 then you belong here with us. 169 00:09:41,404 --> 00:09:42,833 Now, please. 170 00:09:49,144 --> 00:09:51,159 Continue, please. 171 00:09:51,394 --> 00:09:54,151 When I first started figuring out what was going on, 172 00:09:54,191 --> 00:09:55,888 I started doing some research, 173 00:09:55,913 --> 00:09:58,742 and I found the hidden URL, and I called the hotline, 174 00:09:58,767 --> 00:10:01,190 and talked to Zella, and that's how I found... 175 00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:03,733 - you guys. - Mm-hmm. 176 00:10:03,922 --> 00:10:05,247 Those... those people that I killed... 177 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,737 They were all bad people. 178 00:10:07,762 --> 00:10:09,409 I mean, one was a mobster. 179 00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:11,276 There was a sex offender. 180 00:10:11,301 --> 00:10:14,347 A thief, another was a defense attorney 181 00:10:14,372 --> 00:10:16,761 that defended child molesters. 182 00:10:16,786 --> 00:10:18,866 So if you think about it, you actually made the world 183 00:10:18,891 --> 00:10:22,155 a slightly better place. 184 00:10:22,180 --> 00:10:24,226 I mean, given a choice, therianthropes usually 185 00:10:24,251 --> 00:10:26,729 choose the wicked over the good. 186 00:10:26,754 --> 00:10:28,847 The creatures inside of us, we... we just... 187 00:10:28,872 --> 00:10:31,198 We find evil tastier. 188 00:10:31,813 --> 00:10:35,011 Well, that... that is... 189 00:10:36,105 --> 00:10:37,566 a big relief. 190 00:10:38,176 --> 00:10:41,042 Wow. god, that's good to know. 191 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,395 So, um... 192 00:10:43,420 --> 00:10:44,636 who is everybody? 193 00:10:44,661 --> 00:10:47,158 Oh, uh, that's Scott Howard, ex-Marine. 194 00:10:47,183 --> 00:10:48,837 He's a were-tortoise. 195 00:10:48,862 --> 00:10:50,878 - A were-tortoise? - Mm-hmm. 196 00:10:51,066 --> 00:10:53,448 Like you turn into a turtle? 197 00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:54,800 Yeah. 198 00:10:54,825 --> 00:10:57,386 With the scales and the shell that is your home? 199 00:10:57,411 --> 00:10:58,628 That's the one. 200 00:10:58,653 --> 00:11:01,133 Do you shrink down, or are you full size? 201 00:11:01,732 --> 00:11:02,863 Full size. 202 00:11:02,888 --> 00:11:04,760 Do you eat people? 203 00:11:04,799 --> 00:11:06,235 No. 204 00:11:06,260 --> 00:11:08,131 Not all therianthropes are carnivores, 205 00:11:08,156 --> 00:11:11,138 otherwise, there'd be a lot more dead bodies lying around. 206 00:11:11,670 --> 00:11:12,840 So then like when you change, 207 00:11:12,864 --> 00:11:14,260 what do you do? 208 00:11:14,952 --> 00:11:16,917 I eat lettuce. 209 00:11:17,603 --> 00:11:19,474 Is it evil lettuce? 210 00:11:19,499 --> 00:11:21,714 I'm gonna put your sarcasm down as you being on the edge 211 00:11:21,739 --> 00:11:25,136 of a nervous breakdown, so I'll ignore that one. 212 00:11:25,161 --> 00:11:27,250 I'm sorry, I was not being sarcastic, I... 213 00:11:27,275 --> 00:11:29,589 Hey, it's okay. 214 00:11:30,021 --> 00:11:32,023 Um, that's Phyllis Allenbee. 215 00:11:32,048 --> 00:11:33,675 She's a furry. 216 00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:35,276 You're kidding. 217 00:11:35,301 --> 00:11:37,924 No, she likes to put on hippo outfit 218 00:11:37,949 --> 00:11:40,229 and just dance around. 219 00:11:40,698 --> 00:11:42,482 I'm sorry, I... I don't really get it. 220 00:11:42,507 --> 00:11:44,094 I've never really understood the whole like dressing up 221 00:11:44,118 --> 00:11:46,253 as an animal and doing it thing, 222 00:11:46,278 --> 00:11:48,498 but she never misses a meeting, so... 223 00:11:48,836 --> 00:11:50,185 Why do you let her stay? 224 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,917 We just feel sorry for her, I guess. 225 00:11:52,942 --> 00:11:54,682 Hey! New guy! 226 00:11:54,707 --> 00:11:56,659 Andy McDermott, were-boar. 227 00:11:56,954 --> 00:11:58,477 You turn into a pig? 228 00:11:58,502 --> 00:12:00,220 Actually, when the full moon rises, I change 229 00:12:00,244 --> 00:12:02,434 into someone vastly self-interested, and I talk 230 00:12:02,459 --> 00:12:05,495 incessantly about the worthless minutia going on in my life. 231 00:12:06,402 --> 00:12:08,100 "A bore." 232 00:12:08,156 --> 00:12:09,878 Get it? A bore. Were-bore. 233 00:12:10,942 --> 00:12:12,819 Actually, I'm kidding. 234 00:12:12,954 --> 00:12:14,128 Yeah, I turn into a pig. 235 00:12:14,153 --> 00:12:15,956 You mean, a bigger pig, right, Andy? 236 00:12:15,981 --> 00:12:18,190 God, you are so fucking hot, Irena. 237 00:12:18,818 --> 00:12:20,428 When are we gonna get together? 238 00:12:20,453 --> 00:12:22,427 Have ourselves a litter of little "kiggens," huh? 239 00:12:22,452 --> 00:12:23,604 Let's make this happen. 240 00:12:23,629 --> 00:12:25,090 Mm, you know, I really don't know, maybe 241 00:12:25,114 --> 00:12:27,519 on the first of never, Andy, and they wouldn't be 242 00:12:27,544 --> 00:12:29,415 "kiggens," they would be "pitties." 243 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:32,362 Snap. Shoot that pig down, girl. 244 00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:34,619 Really? 245 00:12:36,315 --> 00:12:38,276 Who's that guy? 246 00:12:38,510 --> 00:12:41,513 That? That's Ryan. 247 00:12:41,538 --> 00:12:42,871 Just Ryan? 248 00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:45,878 That's all he's ever told us. I mean, doesn't talk. 249 00:12:45,988 --> 00:12:47,380 Never says a word. 250 00:12:47,405 --> 00:12:49,454 But he comes to every meeting, right? 251 00:12:49,479 --> 00:12:51,220 But look at him, he just sits there. 252 00:12:51,307 --> 00:12:52,978 Thinks he's the Terminator. 253 00:12:53,003 --> 00:12:54,700 What does he turn into? 254 00:12:54,725 --> 00:12:57,772 No one really knows but, um, it's gotta be something, 255 00:12:57,797 --> 00:12:59,369 or he wouldn't be here, right? 256 00:12:59,394 --> 00:13:02,369 Oh man, I got chocolate on my face. 257 00:13:02,394 --> 00:13:05,095 Hey, good thing I got brown pants on, right? 258 00:13:05,849 --> 00:13:08,220 So, uh, I heard at the door... 259 00:13:08,245 --> 00:13:10,908 You're the Naperville Ripper. Huh? 260 00:13:10,933 --> 00:13:12,391 What kind of therianthrope you turn into? 261 00:13:12,415 --> 00:13:14,720 What, are you like a were-rat? 262 00:13:15,049 --> 00:13:18,309 I, um, just always assumed I was a werewolf. 263 00:13:21,623 --> 00:13:22,754 What's so funny? 264 00:13:22,779 --> 00:13:24,926 Everyone assumes they're a werewolf at first, 265 00:13:24,951 --> 00:13:26,866 because it's the most popular therianthrope. 266 00:13:26,891 --> 00:13:28,653 Right, I mean, look, they get all the good press. 267 00:13:28,677 --> 00:13:30,825 Right? They get all the books, they get all the movies. 268 00:13:30,849 --> 00:13:32,198 Never gonna catch a flick called 269 00:13:32,223 --> 00:13:33,731 "An American Were-boar in London." 270 00:13:33,756 --> 00:13:35,363 - Or "The Oinking." - Right. 271 00:13:35,388 --> 00:13:38,086 Because we can't remember what we do when we've changed, 272 00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:41,465 we all at first just assume werewolf. 273 00:13:41,490 --> 00:13:43,469 But if you can't figure out what you do when you change, 274 00:13:43,493 --> 00:13:46,145 how do you figure out what you've changed into? 275 00:13:46,170 --> 00:13:49,166 Well, me, I... I set up my phone and I filmed it. 276 00:13:49,191 --> 00:13:51,497 - You wanna see it? I have it. - Oh, please, don't say yes. 277 00:13:51,521 --> 00:13:53,518 The last time he showed us a video 278 00:13:53,543 --> 00:13:55,980 was of some girl and him doing the nasty. 279 00:13:56,005 --> 00:13:57,547 And it was real nasty. 280 00:13:57,572 --> 00:14:00,009 Okay, honest mistake, alright? 281 00:14:00,034 --> 00:14:01,688 Bro, she was a college cheerleader 282 00:14:01,713 --> 00:14:03,293 majoring in massage therapy. 283 00:14:03,318 --> 00:14:05,843 - I was bowlegged for a week. - That's not how... 284 00:14:06,019 --> 00:14:07,716 Bowlegged, that's not what the term means. 285 00:14:07,741 --> 00:14:09,918 She was an elderly woman, and she had a walker. 286 00:14:09,943 --> 00:14:10,965 Okay, you know what? Why don't you mind 287 00:14:10,989 --> 00:14:12,388 your own business, you fur-vert, alright? 288 00:14:12,412 --> 00:14:14,559 You are not even a real therianthrope. 289 00:14:14,584 --> 00:14:15,918 I am in my heart. 290 00:14:15,943 --> 00:14:17,652 You know, Phyllis, when the full moon rises, 291 00:14:17,676 --> 00:14:19,917 you don't turn into a hippo. 292 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:23,337 You turn into an idiot who puts on a hippo outfit, and 293 00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:26,669 you skip around like some demented children's show host. 294 00:14:26,694 --> 00:14:27,856 - Mm-mm. - Du-du-du-du-du. 295 00:14:27,881 --> 00:14:29,762 Yeah, keep talking and I'm gonna turn you into 296 00:14:29,787 --> 00:14:31,208 the other other white meat, ham boy. 297 00:14:31,232 --> 00:14:33,036 Okay, alright, whatever hungry, hungry hippo. 298 00:14:33,061 --> 00:14:34,981 - Yeah, okay, bacon bit. - Okay. Okay, everybody, 299 00:14:35,006 --> 00:14:38,183 please, stop, we're all adults here, so let's act like it. 300 00:14:40,707 --> 00:14:46,479 So, is there any other way I can find out what I am? 301 00:14:48,511 --> 00:14:50,339 Yes, actually, there is. 302 00:14:53,196 --> 00:14:54,909 Testing equipment. 303 00:15:00,727 --> 00:15:02,251 Hold out your hand. 304 00:15:08,792 --> 00:15:12,377 - Do you feel anything? - No. 305 00:15:20,067 --> 00:15:22,752 It's catnip. 306 00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:25,268 It's a shame. 307 00:15:25,293 --> 00:15:27,854 You would have made a really cute kitty. 308 00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:31,723 Okay, Jesus, give me that, alright. 309 00:15:31,748 --> 00:15:34,363 Give... give it, give me it. Give me it. Give me it. 310 00:15:34,662 --> 00:15:37,676 If we let her, she'll play with this all day. God. 311 00:15:38,012 --> 00:15:40,058 Alright, uh, here we go. 312 00:15:40,302 --> 00:15:41,707 Try this. 313 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:45,462 Just... 314 00:15:48,921 --> 00:15:50,140 - Oh my God. - Oh my God. 315 00:15:50,165 --> 00:15:51,637 Jesus, what the hell was that? 316 00:15:51,662 --> 00:15:52,750 Are you okay? 317 00:15:52,775 --> 00:15:54,746 - I'll be damned. - What? 318 00:15:54,771 --> 00:15:55,946 That was wolfsbane. 319 00:15:55,971 --> 00:15:57,238 You're a lycanthrope. 320 00:16:01,721 --> 00:16:04,074 Okay, so I'm a werewolf. 321 00:16:04,099 --> 00:16:06,623 Oh my God, we have never had a werewolf in this group before. 322 00:16:06,648 --> 00:16:08,349 This is so exciting. How did you become a werewolf? 323 00:16:08,373 --> 00:16:10,512 - I don't know. - Is your mother or father a werewolf? 324 00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:11,910 It's a recent development, Scott. 325 00:16:11,935 --> 00:16:14,615 I inherited a recessive gene from my mother, Shellen. 326 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,903 I've been a therianthrope since birth. 327 00:16:16,928 --> 00:16:18,234 What about a gypsy? 328 00:16:18,259 --> 00:16:19,578 Were you cursed by a gypsy recently? 329 00:16:19,602 --> 00:16:21,778 No, of course... wait. 330 00:16:29,875 --> 00:16:32,942 - Merry Chris... - Yeah, you too, pal. 331 00:16:37,416 --> 00:16:42,208 - Oh, hello. - You are loud man. 332 00:16:42,233 --> 00:16:43,731 Loud man. 333 00:16:44,990 --> 00:16:47,223 I'm sorry, ooh, excuse me. 334 00:16:47,363 --> 00:16:50,018 Okay, excuse me, I said. 335 00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:51,387 I'm sorry. 336 00:16:51,412 --> 00:16:54,879 - You are loud. - Jesus. 337 00:16:54,904 --> 00:16:59,457 - You keep it down in there. - Okay, I will keep it down. 338 00:16:59,482 --> 00:17:01,832 You know, there is a thing called earplugs... 339 00:17:01,857 --> 00:17:02,864 - Loud man! - Which you can purchase 340 00:17:02,888 --> 00:17:05,145 at any pharmacy, which I'm sure you know all about. 341 00:17:05,170 --> 00:17:08,871 - I hear it all! - Thank you. Thank you. 342 00:17:08,896 --> 00:17:10,289 Got it. 343 00:17:12,593 --> 00:17:14,543 Okay, I get it! I know! 344 00:17:14,568 --> 00:17:17,090 I curse you! 345 00:17:17,115 --> 00:17:18,169 With the discovery of 346 00:17:18,193 --> 00:17:20,818 Martin Colive brings the Ripper's body count to four. 347 00:17:20,843 --> 00:17:23,411 In the last three months, the remains of Waldemar Daminski, 348 00:17:23,436 --> 00:17:26,296 66, a local businessman with known ties 349 00:17:26,321 --> 00:17:28,540 to Polish organized crime was found, 350 00:17:28,565 --> 00:17:31,438 along with those of Tony Rivers, 22, 351 00:17:31,463 --> 00:17:34,074 who was decapitated after robbing a liquor store 352 00:17:34,099 --> 00:17:36,175 and beating the owner unconscious. 353 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,960 Police recently identified victim number three, 354 00:17:38,985 --> 00:17:41,031 Ginger Fitzgerald, who recently lost custody 355 00:17:41,056 --> 00:17:43,356 of her daughter after locking her in a closet 356 00:17:43,381 --> 00:17:45,669 for a week without food or water. 357 00:17:45,834 --> 00:17:49,036 For JBN Channel 4 News, I'm Ann Pool. 358 00:17:53,356 --> 00:17:54,428 Thanks, Anne. 359 00:17:54,452 --> 00:17:56,591 In other news, Christmas is right around the corner, 360 00:17:56,616 --> 00:17:58,575 and Santa's Army Redemption is being spotted 361 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,709 all over town. 362 00:18:03,170 --> 00:18:04,764 Hi, Mr. Weston. 363 00:18:04,788 --> 00:18:06,662 This is Family Medical Center calling on behalf of 364 00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:08,849 Dr. Talbot, we received your test results, 365 00:18:08,874 --> 00:18:10,602 and we need you to come back for further testing. 366 00:18:10,626 --> 00:18:12,386 Can you please give us a call back so we can 367 00:18:12,411 --> 00:18:14,043 schedule your next appointment. 368 00:18:24,335 --> 00:18:28,216 I curse you. 369 00:18:29,228 --> 00:18:31,404 I think I was cursed from my brushing my teeth 370 00:18:31,429 --> 00:18:32,857 too loud. 371 00:18:34,217 --> 00:18:37,089 Well, it... it looks like you're in luck, because, um... 372 00:18:37,114 --> 00:18:38,507 it's the easiest type to cure. 373 00:18:38,532 --> 00:18:39,850 Oh, who cares about a cure? 374 00:18:39,874 --> 00:18:41,528 I like being a were-tortoise. 375 00:18:41,553 --> 00:18:43,504 Yeah, Scott, that's because when you change, 376 00:18:43,528 --> 00:18:45,400 all you do is eat salad and swim around 377 00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:46,888 in your bathtub, okay? 378 00:18:46,913 --> 00:18:49,700 I root through garbage and eat aluminum cans. 379 00:18:49,725 --> 00:18:51,565 Alright, I'm all for recycling, but have any of 380 00:18:51,590 --> 00:18:53,208 you ever tried to shit out 381 00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:56,161 a six-pack of Budweiser tall boys? 382 00:18:56,271 --> 00:18:59,187 Listen, Weston is a carnivore like Irena. 383 00:18:59,348 --> 00:19:00,854 They eat people. 384 00:19:00,879 --> 00:19:03,060 It's gotta weigh heavy on his conscience. 385 00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:10,334 Do you... do you ever feel guilty about it? 386 00:19:10,359 --> 00:19:12,583 About eating people? 387 00:19:14,416 --> 00:19:17,158 Honestly, no, I really don't. 388 00:19:17,354 --> 00:19:18,888 It's in our nature. 389 00:19:18,913 --> 00:19:22,325 And, plus, I get to eat any dipshit faculty member 390 00:19:22,350 --> 00:19:24,044 that pisses me off. 391 00:19:27,914 --> 00:19:30,178 So let's say I wanted to go back to normal, 392 00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:32,021 how would I go about doing that? 393 00:19:34,059 --> 00:19:37,021 Just go back to the gypsy that cursed you, 394 00:19:37,046 --> 00:19:38,927 and beg her to take the curse off, yeah. 395 00:19:38,952 --> 00:19:40,499 - Yeah, that's right. - Yeah. 396 00:19:41,412 --> 00:19:43,538 That might be a little hard. 397 00:19:44,261 --> 00:19:45,381 Oh fuck. 398 00:19:45,406 --> 00:19:47,042 I ate her. 399 00:19:49,638 --> 00:19:52,223 - And I ate her dog. - Oh my God. What? 400 00:19:52,248 --> 00:19:53,747 And I peed all over her hedges. 401 00:19:54,223 --> 00:19:55,317 Why would you do that? 402 00:19:55,342 --> 00:19:56,494 I think I was marking my territory. 403 00:19:56,518 --> 00:19:57,780 I don't know. 404 00:19:58,309 --> 00:19:59,747 I've done that. 405 00:19:59,772 --> 00:20:01,590 I've done that. 406 00:20:02,639 --> 00:20:05,324 Tough break, man, but, uh, you'll get used to it, 407 00:20:05,349 --> 00:20:07,632 you know? But in the meantime, you might wanna get yourself 408 00:20:07,656 --> 00:20:09,559 a nice, sturdy leash, though. 409 00:20:10,182 --> 00:20:11,473 You know what? 410 00:20:11,498 --> 00:20:13,465 I think it's time that we start this meeting. 411 00:20:13,490 --> 00:20:15,637 Start the meeting? So the meeting hasn't started yet? 412 00:20:15,662 --> 00:20:18,262 Come on, everybody, join hands. 413 00:20:18,472 --> 00:20:21,301 And let's recite the Shapeshifters Anonymous credo. 414 00:20:21,326 --> 00:20:22,689 Repeat after me. 415 00:20:22,714 --> 00:20:24,661 I, state your name. 416 00:20:24,686 --> 00:20:27,297 I, Robert Weston. 417 00:20:27,506 --> 00:20:30,012 Agree to abide by the rules of ethics. 418 00:20:30,037 --> 00:20:33,567 Agree to abide by the rules of ethics. 419 00:20:33,595 --> 00:20:36,668 As set forth by Shapeshifters Anonymous. 420 00:20:36,693 --> 00:20:39,435 As set forth by Shapeshifters Anonymous. 421 00:20:39,460 --> 00:20:42,593 I agree to do my best to use my abilities. 422 00:20:42,618 --> 00:20:45,982 I agree to do my best to use my abilities. 423 00:20:46,007 --> 00:20:48,662 For the good of man and therianthrope kind. 424 00:20:48,687 --> 00:20:51,848 For the good of man and therianthrope kind. 425 00:20:51,873 --> 00:20:55,215 I agree to do my best to help any therianthrope 426 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,192 who comes to me in need. 427 00:20:57,217 --> 00:21:00,466 I agree to do my best to help any therianthrope 428 00:21:00,491 --> 00:21:02,122 who comes to me in need. 429 00:21:02,147 --> 00:21:07,098 I agree to do my best not to devour any nice people. 430 00:21:07,123 --> 00:21:11,129 I agree to do my best not to devour any nice people. 431 00:21:11,154 --> 00:21:13,926 I promise to avoid Kris Kringle, 432 00:21:13,951 --> 00:21:18,059 the dreaded Santa Claus and his many evil helpers. 433 00:21:18,084 --> 00:21:22,480 I, um... I think... I didn't under... what does that mean? 434 00:21:22,505 --> 00:21:24,418 Santa Claus is a Therianthrope Hunter. 435 00:21:24,443 --> 00:21:27,270 Santa Claus, the mythical, jolly character loved by millions? 436 00:21:27,295 --> 00:21:29,161 He kills shapeshifters. 437 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:30,707 You're kidding. 438 00:21:30,732 --> 00:21:33,293 No one's sure how our kind got started. 439 00:21:33,601 --> 00:21:35,516 Some say black magic. 440 00:21:35,541 --> 00:21:37,551 Some say interspecies breeding, 441 00:21:37,576 --> 00:21:40,623 though I don't buy into that malarkey. 442 00:21:40,648 --> 00:21:43,988 Some say therianthropes date back to the very beginning, 443 00:21:44,013 --> 00:21:47,190 to the Garden of Eden, when man and werebeast lived in harmony. 444 00:21:47,215 --> 00:21:50,000 The Bible doesn't tell the whole story. 445 00:21:50,025 --> 00:21:52,288 Certain religious leaders over the years have edited it 446 00:21:52,313 --> 00:21:54,067 as they see fit. 447 00:21:55,500 --> 00:21:57,747 Entire books were taken out. 448 00:21:59,306 --> 00:22:01,917 - There... there's no werewolves in the Bible. - _ 449 00:22:04,659 --> 00:22:06,379 They were edited out. 450 00:22:08,726 --> 00:22:10,249 Pay attention, son. 451 00:22:13,113 --> 00:22:14,679 You'll learn something. 452 00:22:14,704 --> 00:22:17,981 See, the Lord blessed one of his disciples, Bob, 453 00:22:18,006 --> 00:22:21,009 with the gift of lycanthrophy, to do his work by 454 00:22:21,034 --> 00:22:22,949 devouring evil. 455 00:22:23,128 --> 00:22:25,918 But Bob became prideful of his accomplishments. 456 00:22:25,943 --> 00:22:27,989 Oh, that angered God. 457 00:22:30,615 --> 00:22:32,457 So, to put Bob in his place, 458 00:22:32,482 --> 00:22:35,039 God granted one of Bob's enemies, Kristofer, 459 00:22:35,064 --> 00:22:38,676 a red suit of impenetrable armor and ordered him 460 00:22:38,701 --> 00:22:40,911 to smite all therianthropes. 461 00:22:41,070 --> 00:22:42,985 God also blessed domesticated beasts 462 00:22:43,010 --> 00:22:45,142 with the power to fly through the sky and pull 463 00:22:45,167 --> 00:22:47,256 Kristofer's warship of destruction 464 00:22:47,281 --> 00:22:48,848 throughout the world. 465 00:22:48,941 --> 00:22:52,472 Let me guess. Kris, son of Kringle. 466 00:22:52,497 --> 00:22:54,455 Bob and Kristofer fought. 467 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,700 And Bob proved victorious. 468 00:22:56,913 --> 00:22:59,977 But Kristofer, God's chosen avenger, 469 00:23:00,002 --> 00:23:02,657 felt betrayed, so he turned to the other side 470 00:23:02,682 --> 00:23:04,386 for assistance. 471 00:23:05,712 --> 00:23:07,584 - The other side? - Lucifer! 472 00:23:07,609 --> 00:23:10,786 Beelzebub, the Devil himself. 473 00:23:10,872 --> 00:23:14,208 Lucifer gave Kristofer a fiercesome weapon shaped 474 00:23:14,233 --> 00:23:17,870 like the talons of an eagle forged in the fires of hell. 475 00:23:17,895 --> 00:23:20,363 He called the weapon Satan's Claws. 476 00:23:20,591 --> 00:23:23,066 And Kristofer recruited an army of helpers 477 00:23:23,091 --> 00:23:25,746 to rid the world of Bob and his kind. 478 00:23:27,652 --> 00:23:30,859 Oh, they found us. They're here. 479 00:23:30,884 --> 00:23:32,886 - Who? - Battle stations. 480 00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:35,949 Battle stations? What? 481 00:23:37,714 --> 00:23:39,289 I... 482 00:23:45,195 --> 00:23:46,588 Jesus. 483 00:23:46,613 --> 00:23:48,816 Oh, there's gotta be hundreds of them. 484 00:23:49,637 --> 00:23:51,409 Fuck me. 485 00:23:51,434 --> 00:23:53,714 Those are his little red helpers? 486 00:23:53,739 --> 00:23:55,330 So you're telling me Kris Kringle 487 00:23:55,355 --> 00:23:58,314 and his magical red suit and Satan's Claw, 488 00:23:58,339 --> 00:24:00,951 which I guess over time has turned into Santa Claus, 489 00:24:00,976 --> 00:24:03,021 is coming here to kill therianthropes 490 00:24:03,046 --> 00:24:05,309 with a bunch of shopping mall Santas? 491 00:24:05,334 --> 00:24:08,468 Santa Claus has come to town. 492 00:24:12,955 --> 00:24:14,699 Stay in formation! 493 00:24:26,895 --> 00:24:31,245 It burns! 494 00:24:36,917 --> 00:24:38,527 Come on, come on! 495 00:24:38,552 --> 00:24:40,728 Could someone please kill that alarm? 496 00:24:40,938 --> 00:24:42,862 Wait, these are the people we're fighting 497 00:24:42,887 --> 00:24:44,193 for our lives against? 498 00:24:44,218 --> 00:24:45,480 It's the way it's always been. 499 00:24:45,505 --> 00:24:46,730 What about the toy stuff? 500 00:24:46,755 --> 00:24:48,941 Kringle's killed tens of thousands of therianthropes 501 00:24:48,966 --> 00:24:51,523 over the centuries, leaving many children orphans. 502 00:24:51,548 --> 00:24:53,768 He started to feel some remorse after slaughtering 503 00:24:53,793 --> 00:24:56,699 their parents, he began to leave toys behind. 504 00:24:56,879 --> 00:24:58,824 - Kringle gave this to me... - Oh. 505 00:24:58,849 --> 00:25:00,566 - When I was seven years old... - Gross. 506 00:25:00,591 --> 00:25:01,960 Right after murdering my parents. 507 00:25:01,985 --> 00:25:05,015 - Yikes. - He also gave me a train set. 508 00:25:06,130 --> 00:25:07,512 Weston, we don't have time for this. 509 00:25:07,536 --> 00:25:09,011 We need to get ready! 510 00:25:09,504 --> 00:25:10,886 Look, look, look! 511 00:25:10,911 --> 00:25:14,034 Look, look, I can accept the shapeshifting, okay? 512 00:25:14,059 --> 00:25:17,299 And the wolfsbane, that was very... that was fucking creepy, 513 00:25:17,324 --> 00:25:18,872 but you want me to believe that 514 00:25:18,897 --> 00:25:22,032 every single volunteer with a Santa suit 515 00:25:22,057 --> 00:25:24,102 and a bell is out to murder us? 516 00:25:24,127 --> 00:25:26,166 I mean, I see these people everywhere. 517 00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:27,976 I... I mean, they're on every street corner. 518 00:25:28,001 --> 00:25:29,284 They're in the shopping centers. 519 00:25:29,309 --> 00:25:31,181 I saw one by my apartment just this morning. 520 00:25:31,206 --> 00:25:33,167 You saw one today? Where? 521 00:25:33,472 --> 00:25:35,001 - Naperville. - What? 522 00:25:35,026 --> 00:25:36,159 What'd he say to you? 523 00:25:36,184 --> 00:25:37,961 I... you know, Scott, I don't know. 524 00:25:37,986 --> 00:25:39,035 He was a little bit out of his mind. 525 00:25:39,059 --> 00:25:40,863 - What? - He said something about... 526 00:25:40,888 --> 00:25:43,105 _ 527 00:25:43,129 --> 00:25:46,129 _ 528 00:25:48,384 --> 00:25:51,027 Merry Christmas. 529 00:25:53,534 --> 00:25:56,394 There's a killer on the loose in Naperville. 530 00:25:56,544 --> 00:25:59,308 Only comes out when the moon is full. 531 00:25:59,333 --> 00:26:03,464 Naughty boys, they get what they deserve. 532 00:26:03,575 --> 00:26:07,449 Their heads severed from the unholy bodies. 533 00:26:15,544 --> 00:26:18,436 The only way we die is old age or beheading. 534 00:26:19,148 --> 00:26:20,652 Son of a bitch. 535 00:26:20,942 --> 00:26:22,204 They must have followed you. 536 00:26:22,229 --> 00:26:23,665 Look, we need to call the cops. 537 00:26:23,690 --> 00:26:24,714 And tell them what? 538 00:26:24,738 --> 00:26:26,923 I thought you said the police were a waste of time. 539 00:26:26,948 --> 00:26:28,645 Everybody has conflicting information. 540 00:26:28,670 --> 00:26:29,925 Come on. 541 00:26:30,517 --> 00:26:31,693 Whoa. 542 00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:36,699 - You ever fired a 9mm? - No. 543 00:26:38,733 --> 00:26:41,136 Turn off the safety on the side. 544 00:26:41,161 --> 00:26:42,425 Then pull back the top part. 545 00:26:42,450 --> 00:26:44,878 That's the slide, loads the bullet into the chamber. 546 00:26:48,500 --> 00:26:51,851 Now all you have to do is aim, pull the trigger. 547 00:26:51,876 --> 00:26:54,792 Red suits are Kevlar, so aim for the face. 548 00:26:54,886 --> 00:26:57,199 Yipee-ki-yay, mother... 549 00:26:57,454 --> 00:26:59,613 Sorry. Sorry that... that won't happen. 550 00:27:01,435 --> 00:27:03,292 Choose your shots carefully, people. 551 00:27:03,317 --> 00:27:04,579 We don't have a lot of ammo. 552 00:27:04,604 --> 00:27:06,558 Ryan, can you fire a weapon? 553 00:27:06,583 --> 00:27:08,894 Damn it, man, we need you. 554 00:27:08,919 --> 00:27:10,967 - Shouldn't we go? - That's the only door. 555 00:27:10,992 --> 00:27:12,339 What? 556 00:27:13,342 --> 00:27:15,150 If we make it out of this alive, 557 00:27:15,175 --> 00:27:16,870 would you wanna go out with me? 558 00:27:16,896 --> 00:27:18,667 I'd like that. 559 00:27:18,798 --> 00:27:21,583 Which part? Making it out alive or going out with me? 560 00:27:22,046 --> 00:27:23,091 Both. 561 00:27:30,373 --> 00:27:35,331 Ho. Ho. Ho. 562 00:27:35,356 --> 00:27:37,316 Don't fire until you see the whites of the beards. 563 00:27:37,341 --> 00:27:39,212 Ho! 564 00:27:43,459 --> 00:27:48,706 Ho! Ho! 565 00:28:25,850 --> 00:28:27,753 Naughty boy. 566 00:28:31,328 --> 00:28:34,011 - Naughty boy! - Hey, Santa! 567 00:28:34,036 --> 00:28:35,902 Got some milk and cookies for ya. 568 00:28:40,124 --> 00:28:41,581 Where did you learn to shoot like that? 569 00:28:41,605 --> 00:28:43,019 I teach high school. 570 00:28:43,644 --> 00:28:44,925 Duck! 571 00:28:49,929 --> 00:28:51,214 Nice. 572 00:28:51,239 --> 00:28:52,544 Yeah, well, you know? 573 00:28:52,569 --> 00:28:55,209 Oop. Sorry. I got it. I got it. 574 00:29:00,218 --> 00:29:02,404 They're retreating. Hold your fire. 575 00:29:10,089 --> 00:29:11,743 Hold your fire. 576 00:29:11,768 --> 00:29:13,974 Sorry, I couldn't hear ya. It's a loud gun. 577 00:29:13,999 --> 00:29:15,526 - Jesus. - Oh my Go... 578 00:29:15,551 --> 00:29:17,451 - Andy, you're bleeding. - Oh. 579 00:29:17,476 --> 00:29:18,746 Everyone okay? 580 00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:23,012 Well, uh, we sure kicked some Santa ass. 581 00:29:24,041 --> 00:29:26,406 Let's see you try climbing down a chimney now, shithead. 582 00:29:26,431 --> 00:29:27,907 Bitch! 583 00:29:29,205 --> 00:29:30,998 It isn't over. 584 00:29:34,184 --> 00:29:36,115 Did you just say something? 585 00:30:13,927 --> 00:30:16,763 Here comes Santa Claus. 586 00:30:16,788 --> 00:30:19,451 Here comes Santa Claus. 587 00:30:19,476 --> 00:30:23,599 Here comes Santa Claus. 588 00:30:23,624 --> 00:30:25,709 Ho, ho, ho. 589 00:30:25,734 --> 00:30:27,206 - My God. - Alright. 590 00:30:27,293 --> 00:30:28,425 Who still has ammo? 591 00:30:28,450 --> 00:30:29,935 - I'm out. - Me, too. 592 00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:31,506 I have, uh, two bullets. 593 00:30:31,803 --> 00:30:33,413 Ha! 594 00:30:33,570 --> 00:30:34,888 Okay, okay. 595 00:30:34,913 --> 00:30:36,865 We'll... we'll have to make do. 596 00:30:36,890 --> 00:30:38,678 Everyone, grab a weapon. 597 00:30:40,312 --> 00:30:41,810 Chris Kringle's a lot more powerful 598 00:30:41,835 --> 00:30:45,990 than his helpers, but maybe if we all strike at once, 599 00:30:46,015 --> 00:30:47,959 we'll have a chance. 600 00:30:49,094 --> 00:30:52,045 Weston can't even keep his clip in his gun, alright? 601 00:30:52,070 --> 00:30:54,115 Ryan is sitting on his ass like a pud. 602 00:30:54,140 --> 00:30:55,365 Alright, give... give me this. 603 00:30:55,390 --> 00:30:56,565 Alright? 604 00:30:56,590 --> 00:30:57,647 - Where are you? - Scott, 605 00:30:57,671 --> 00:30:59,646 you really think we can fend off that thing? 606 00:30:59,671 --> 00:31:01,020 And its Satan's Claws? 607 00:31:01,045 --> 00:31:02,568 It's gonna rip us to pieces. 608 00:31:02,593 --> 00:31:04,398 - We don't have a choice. - Alright, well, listen, 609 00:31:04,422 --> 00:31:06,482 you know what? I don't wanna get sliced up, alright? 610 00:31:06,507 --> 00:31:09,537 - I'm... I'm too pretty. - Calm down, son. 611 00:31:09,562 --> 00:31:11,260 You're not helping the situation. 612 00:31:11,285 --> 00:31:13,880 Fine, you know what? You guys go ahead and fight, 613 00:31:13,905 --> 00:31:16,212 alright? I'm gonna take off this red suit 614 00:31:16,237 --> 00:31:18,396 - and pretend to be dead. - There's a way. 615 00:31:20,639 --> 00:31:23,381 You actually gonna get your ass up and help? 616 00:31:23,406 --> 00:31:26,467 Santa's come to town. 617 00:31:35,091 --> 00:31:36,875 I've been saving these. 618 00:31:40,096 --> 00:31:41,123 Tell me that's cyanide. 619 00:31:41,148 --> 00:31:43,429 Please tell me that's cyanide, 'cause I am so drinking it. 620 00:31:47,064 --> 00:31:48,979 It's a metamorphosis potion. 621 00:31:49,004 --> 00:31:50,935 Allow you to change into your therianthrope form 622 00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:52,763 and retain your human intellect. 623 00:31:53,696 --> 00:31:55,904 Where'd you get these? 624 00:31:57,027 --> 00:31:59,803 I've had these for a long time. 625 00:32:01,141 --> 00:32:02,849 How do you know they work? 626 00:32:03,452 --> 00:32:04,670 I know. 627 00:32:04,695 --> 00:32:06,740 Ho, ho, ho, ho. 628 00:32:06,765 --> 00:32:08,638 I guess it can't hurt to try. 629 00:32:09,363 --> 00:32:11,724 I will find you. 630 00:32:16,586 --> 00:32:18,896 You can't hide from the Claus! 631 00:32:18,921 --> 00:32:21,928 I'm... I'm just... I'm not a therianthrope, 632 00:32:21,953 --> 00:32:23,409 I'm just a furry. 633 00:32:23,434 --> 00:32:24,803 You're one of us. 634 00:32:24,828 --> 00:32:27,162 Ho, ho, ho. 635 00:32:27,187 --> 00:32:29,029 How 'bout you? 636 00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:31,474 No. 637 00:32:33,145 --> 00:32:34,538 Ah! 638 00:32:42,828 --> 00:32:45,045 I've got presents. 639 00:32:45,203 --> 00:32:48,834 Okay, well, here goes nothing. 640 00:32:52,183 --> 00:32:53,619 Ah! 641 00:32:53,644 --> 00:32:55,990 Ho, ho, ho. 642 00:32:56,015 --> 00:32:58,256 Time to die. 643 00:33:16,183 --> 00:33:18,583 I can still think. 644 00:33:19,602 --> 00:33:22,146 I can even talk. 645 00:33:23,027 --> 00:33:24,795 Here goes nothing. 646 00:33:32,095 --> 00:33:33,951 You look amazing. 647 00:33:41,171 --> 00:33:42,412 What? 648 00:33:42,437 --> 00:33:44,529 There's still some frosting inside. 649 00:33:45,071 --> 00:33:47,248 I guess it's my turn. 650 00:34:00,415 --> 00:34:04,332 Well, shit, I don't even have my damn hippo suit here. 651 00:34:04,450 --> 00:34:06,795 Well, at least give me the damn gun. 652 00:34:10,085 --> 00:34:11,693 Your turn. 653 00:34:16,293 --> 00:34:18,842 You'll be fine. 654 00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:21,084 Drink it. 655 00:34:21,109 --> 00:34:22,779 Hey, guys, hurry up, alright? 656 00:34:22,804 --> 00:34:24,318 Here comes Santa Claus. 657 00:34:32,429 --> 00:34:35,562 Oh. Ooh. 658 00:35:12,835 --> 00:35:16,951 Hello, sexy. Rawr. 659 00:35:17,554 --> 00:35:20,601 Kringle is coming! We don't have time for this. 660 00:35:24,068 --> 00:35:25,990 Alright, let's do this. 661 00:35:44,856 --> 00:35:47,772 You and Mrs. Santa Claus's too. 662 00:35:52,954 --> 00:35:54,533 Ooh, Scott, incoming! 663 00:35:56,335 --> 00:35:57,754 Scott! 664 00:36:03,151 --> 00:36:05,685 Ahh! 665 00:36:20,809 --> 00:36:22,115 What? 666 00:36:29,752 --> 00:36:31,564 Oh my God. 667 00:36:33,836 --> 00:36:35,273 Look at those claws. 668 00:36:35,298 --> 00:36:38,021 We're... we're not getting out of here, guys. 669 00:36:50,897 --> 00:36:52,635 Oh shit. 670 00:36:52,912 --> 00:36:54,943 Sa-sa-Santa. 671 00:36:55,544 --> 00:36:58,138 Please, help me. 672 00:37:06,615 --> 00:37:08,537 Oh, man. 673 00:37:08,562 --> 00:37:10,803 Oh God, pray for me. 674 00:37:20,448 --> 00:37:22,187 Scott, what are you doing? Are you crazy? 675 00:37:22,211 --> 00:37:25,381 Your reign of evil ends today, Kringle. 676 00:37:26,532 --> 00:37:29,230 Ha-ha-ha. 677 00:37:33,100 --> 00:37:34,826 Holy shit! 678 00:37:39,981 --> 00:37:43,854 Robert Weston, werewolf. 679 00:37:44,177 --> 00:37:45,935 You're on my list. 680 00:37:47,624 --> 00:37:51,060 Irena Reed, were-cheetah. 681 00:37:51,284 --> 00:37:54,420 - Stay behind me. - You're on my list, too. 682 00:37:54,445 --> 00:37:56,655 Wanna sit on Santa's lap, little girl? 683 00:37:59,681 --> 00:38:01,842 What the hell are you? 684 00:38:02,121 --> 00:38:03,831 You're bacon. 685 00:38:04,678 --> 00:38:06,317 Andy McDermott. 686 00:38:06,342 --> 00:38:07,763 I'm a were-boar. 687 00:38:07,788 --> 00:38:11,810 Yes, you're also on my list. 688 00:38:12,123 --> 00:38:14,506 Who is this naughty girl? 689 00:38:15,475 --> 00:38:17,912 Phyllis Lawanda Morisha Talena Allenbee. 690 00:38:17,937 --> 00:38:20,388 Am I on your stupid ass list, too? 691 00:38:20,733 --> 00:38:22,691 I do not believe so. 692 00:38:22,716 --> 00:38:24,053 No? 693 00:38:24,383 --> 00:38:26,298 Are you sure about that, fat man? 694 00:38:26,432 --> 00:38:28,146 I'll be happy to check it twice. 695 00:38:28,171 --> 00:38:29,688 Are you saying I'm not one of them? 696 00:38:29,713 --> 00:38:30,717 'Cause I am one of them. 697 00:38:30,742 --> 00:38:33,678 I am one of them... in my heart. 698 00:38:33,703 --> 00:38:36,107 - A giant sack of... - Enough! 699 00:38:40,534 --> 00:38:42,927 I'm tired, Kristofer. 700 00:38:45,068 --> 00:38:47,435 I've been running for far too long. 701 00:38:48,647 --> 00:38:51,365 Who are you, little human? 702 00:38:51,977 --> 00:38:55,366 Here comes Santa Claus. 703 00:38:55,391 --> 00:38:58,394 Here comes Santa Claus. 704 00:38:59,981 --> 00:39:01,722 That voice. 705 00:39:01,747 --> 00:39:04,638 I know that voice. 706 00:39:04,663 --> 00:39:07,154 Yeah. Yeah, you do. 707 00:39:08,096 --> 00:39:10,724 I had a little work done to my face. 708 00:39:10,994 --> 00:39:14,513 You know, my human face. 709 00:39:17,346 --> 00:39:19,834 Think you're gonna recognize this one, though. 710 00:39:36,261 --> 00:39:37,713 Ah. 711 00:39:42,781 --> 00:39:44,967 It's gonna be a merry fucking Christmas. 712 00:39:44,992 --> 00:39:48,318 I should have killed you, bastard. You son of a bitch. 713 00:39:48,343 --> 00:39:51,467 I'm gonna slice you into ribbons, you furry fuck! 714 00:39:53,220 --> 00:39:54,884 Motherfucker. 715 00:39:55,156 --> 00:39:57,942 Oh, you furry bastard, I'm gonna kill you. 716 00:39:58,649 --> 00:40:00,259 I'm gonna skin you alive. 717 00:40:06,833 --> 00:40:09,130 Furry fuck! 718 00:40:09,365 --> 00:40:11,333 I'm gonna send you... 719 00:40:12,526 --> 00:40:13,935 Ahhh! 720 00:40:28,059 --> 00:40:31,154 Am I on your list now, motherfucker? 721 00:40:37,867 --> 00:40:39,521 You killed Kris Kringle. 722 00:40:39,546 --> 00:40:41,193 Damn easy, too. 723 00:40:41,218 --> 00:40:43,584 Why didn't you do that 5,000 years ago? 724 00:40:44,037 --> 00:40:45,276 I didn't know that was possible. 725 00:40:45,300 --> 00:40:47,346 That was... wow. 726 00:40:53,785 --> 00:40:55,656 Well... what happened? 727 00:40:55,845 --> 00:40:58,693 Phyllis killed Kringle. 728 00:41:00,259 --> 00:41:02,172 You go, girl. 729 00:41:04,060 --> 00:41:05,490 Okay. 730 00:41:07,151 --> 00:41:09,284 You all fought bravely today. 731 00:41:09,567 --> 00:41:11,373 Even the pig. 732 00:41:12,133 --> 00:41:14,396 For your bravery, you all have full control 733 00:41:14,421 --> 00:41:16,404 of your therianthrope powers. 734 00:41:17,071 --> 00:41:18,682 Y'all be able to transform at will, 735 00:41:18,707 --> 00:41:20,528 and maintain control of your inner creatures. 736 00:41:20,553 --> 00:41:22,138 Hold on, wait a minute. 737 00:41:22,163 --> 00:41:23,185 How 'bout me? 738 00:41:23,210 --> 00:41:25,693 I am the one who killed the jolly ol' bastard. 739 00:41:26,809 --> 00:41:29,246 Right. Um... 740 00:41:29,271 --> 00:41:31,482 I could turn you into a werewolf if you'd like. 741 00:41:31,507 --> 00:41:33,865 Uh, these guys already offered me that. 742 00:41:33,890 --> 00:41:35,650 No, I don't wanna be no turtle or no cheetah 743 00:41:35,675 --> 00:41:37,677 or no dumbass pig. 744 00:41:37,791 --> 00:41:39,358 No offense, Andy. 745 00:41:39,383 --> 00:41:41,124 Uh, none taken. 746 00:41:41,383 --> 00:41:44,310 My inner animal is a hippopotamus. 747 00:41:44,335 --> 00:41:46,076 That's what I wanna be. 748 00:41:47,515 --> 00:41:50,357 I'm sorry, Phyllis, those are the extent of my powers. 749 00:41:52,504 --> 00:41:54,185 But maybe. 750 00:41:55,541 --> 00:41:57,178 - Just maybe. - Maybe what? 751 00:41:57,203 --> 00:41:58,683 I don't even know if this will work. 752 00:41:58,708 --> 00:41:59,897 It's a long shot. It really is. 753 00:41:59,921 --> 00:42:01,912 Spill the beans, Lon Chaney. 754 00:42:04,261 --> 00:42:06,307 Try sitting on Santa's lap. 755 00:42:06,643 --> 00:42:07,905 You serious? 756 00:42:07,930 --> 00:42:09,357 What? He has a lot of magic. 757 00:42:09,382 --> 00:42:11,732 Maybe there's some left. It's worth a shot, right? 758 00:42:11,757 --> 00:42:14,263 Get... shu... 759 00:42:14,762 --> 00:42:16,459 You wanna be a hippopotamus? 760 00:42:20,983 --> 00:42:24,928 Um, okay, ooh, now what? 761 00:42:26,069 --> 00:42:27,854 Now make a Christmas wish, Phyllis. 762 00:42:27,879 --> 00:42:30,693 The most earnest and heartfelt wish you've ever made. 763 00:43:04,795 --> 00:43:06,100 Oooh! 764 00:43:08,657 --> 00:43:10,720 I'm sorry, Phyllis. I really am. 765 00:43:10,745 --> 00:43:12,363 I wish there was something else I could do. 766 00:43:12,387 --> 00:43:15,110 - You deserve it. - It's okay. 767 00:43:17,206 --> 00:43:18,720 Uh. 768 00:43:21,211 --> 00:43:24,102 Holy fuck, Phyllis. That's Lil Yachty. 769 00:43:31,770 --> 00:43:34,126 Come take you home, make love to you all night, girl. 770 00:43:34,151 --> 00:43:38,641 But first, let's hit the bank and get you that $100 million. 771 00:43:38,666 --> 00:43:40,211 Okay. 772 00:43:41,696 --> 00:43:43,882 You know, I killed some of these motherfuckers. 773 00:43:45,915 --> 00:43:48,121 See ya next week! 774 00:43:55,546 --> 00:43:59,253 Would you... would you, um, maybe wanna get a cup of coffee? 775 00:43:59,803 --> 00:44:02,386 No, thanks though. 776 00:44:03,593 --> 00:44:04,937 Instead, 777 00:44:04,962 --> 00:44:07,629 why don't you just come to my apartment? 778 00:44:07,986 --> 00:44:11,078 I have a leash and a king-sized bed. 779 00:44:12,290 --> 00:44:15,886 To be fair, most people have king-sized beds. 780 00:44:16,395 --> 00:44:19,253 It's a California king. 781 00:44:20,784 --> 00:44:22,960 I don't know the difference. 782 00:44:23,837 --> 00:44:25,323 Let me show you. 783 00:44:25,591 --> 00:44:27,268 Oh man. 784 00:44:43,550 --> 00:44:46,690 _ 785 00:44:54,167 --> 00:44:57,167 Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com