CREDITS
Hello! Merry Christmas, and welcome back to Play of the Week
where, each week, a new play is performed live
in front of a studio audience here in Cornley
and broadcast to the nation.
I'm Chris Bean, the direc-tor...
..and I'm thrilled to present tonight's Christmas play.
Before we begin, let's meet... Chris, Chris, Chris... Chris. Yes?
What noise does a reindeer make? Clearly a matter
for rehearsals, Dennis!
Before we begin...
..let's meet the star of the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together
for Father Christmas!
Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
I've come all the way from Lapland
with my favourite two elves,
Nistle and Nostle!
Well, we've got just enough time before the main event
to meet some children from...
..the local area.
All right, so, who have we got? Right, erm...
Grace...
Grace, what would you like for Christmas, Grace?
I'm not Grace. Why are you looking at me, then?
Don't make eye contact if you're not Grace.
Who's Grace?
Right, OK. What do you want for Christmas?
An Xbox. An Xbox?
Are you sure that's the gift you...
..pre-arranged with the producers?
Yes.
Ha-ha! Oh-ho, ho-ho!
I think the producers agreed
there was a £15 limit, and you'd be getting
a copy of Robert Groves'
Anything You Can Act, I Can Act Louder.
Now with diagrams!
And it's even signed by the author, you see? "To Grace".
That says "Grate".
So sorry. Let's fix that, shall we?
There we are.
Now it says "Ungrateful".
Right, let's do another.
What do YOU want for Christmas? PlayStation.
Right, no games consoles!
That's not the budget we're working with.
Have an acting book.
Right, what would you like
for Christmas, little girl? I'm a boy! Oh, who chose these?!
All right, that's clearly enough of that.
Let's get on with the show.
The actors are prepared, the stage is set.
Please enjoy The Spirit of Christmas!
Dreadful section!
One Christmas Eve, not long ago,
a sweet little girl built a man out of snow.
She sighed as she played in the cold winter air,
for she had some worries she needed to share.
Hello, Mr Snowman.
You're going to be my best friend!
And I won't say that again!
What do you want me to do, Maude? I've been running errands all day
for YOU, picking up all the food! It's eight o'clock, and I've still
got to prepare all this for tomorrow! Fine.
What can I do to help? Cut up these chicken breasts, will you?
Try not to make a mess of it!
I see you got the cheap sausages.
Daddy, can we do a cracker?
Of course we can. The crackers are for tomorrow!
Maude, just let her pull a cracker!
It's Christmas Eve, for goodness' sake!
Why don't you decorate the tree?
Ooh, can we?! I'll do the baubles,
and YOU can do the tinsel. Oh! Uh...
Make sure you spread it out evenly.
I don't want it looking silly.
Oh, no, where's the...?
Where's the star?!
Oh, I can't see it.
What?! You've lost my grandmother's star?!
I haven't lost it, I just can't find it!
I can't trust you with anything, can I?!
You know what? I think I need some air.
When is Daddy coming back?
I don't know, darling. Can I sleep downstairs tonight, so I can
wish him an happy Christmas when he comes home?
Of course you can, sweetheart.
And I'll put out some sherry for Santa.
# Dear Santa, can you help me?
# I am feeling sad today
# I've been good, I've been kind
# I've been helpful
# But my cheer has gone away
# Dear Santa, can you help me?
# I don't know what to do
# If I promise to be better
# Would you make my wish come true?
# I don't want to ride a reindeer
# Or a sunny holiday... # Bring it down.
# I don't want a Christmas party
# Or a present from your sleigh
# Dear Santa, can you help me?
# I'm feeling oh, so blue
# Dear Santa Dear Santa, dear Santa
# Could you make my wish come true? #
Away went Belle's letter, high up in the sky.
She just had to wait now for Santa's reply.
Would he have the answer? Could this do the trick?
Belle put her trust in kindly Saint Nick.
She lay down her head, her heart full of care,
dreaming that Santa would answer her prayer.
Ho! Ho!
Argh! Hmm.
Oh, come on!
Agh...
My sack's caught on the flue.
You can't say that! Of course I can, it's a literal sack.
Not talking about my balls, am I?
Argh! OK, now my actual sack is caught.
Robert? Huh? Robert! Careful!
Be careful, Robert! What are you doing?! Argh! Argh! Argh!
Argh! Argh!
Push it up!
Agh!
Argh! Argh!
Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!
Agh! Hand me the gifts.
Oof!
Agh... Bloody acting books! Oof!
Ooh, sorry, sorry!
Oh, God!
Er... Oh, no.
Ooh! Argh!
Wake up, dear one.
Santa?! Ho-ho-ho! That's right.
I received your letter, Belle, and it moved me greatly.
Are you sad, Belle? I am, Santa.
- Belle's sad. Aw! - Aw!
What are you doing?
Do not participate.
Unbelievable! God, I just feel so dreadfully low.
That just won't do! But don't worry, because I've brought my two elves
to come and help you.
Come along, Nistle! Come along, Nostle!
Here I come!
Hello, Santa!
And here I come!
I'm coming!
I'm on my way.
Almost!
Al...
Ah.
I shall remain!
Nistle and Nostle are the happiest two el...
two elves in all of Lapland.
Er... That's because
we're the closest of friends, and wherever you see Nistle...
You're sure to see Nostle!
# We're Nistle
# And Nostle
# The closest of friends
# When we're both together
# The fun never ends
# If I'm feeling rotten
# Never despair!
# Because Nostle will lift me up in the air!
# Where Nistle goes... #
# Nostle goes... #
# And where Nistle goes... #
# Nostle goes...
# And where Nistle goes... #
# Nostle goes... #
Argh!
Hey!
Oof!
Well, that was...good.
Ah, Belle, I see you've left me some sherry.
How delightful!
Eurgh!
It's real sherry.
And some mince pies, delicious!
Delicious.
But, Belle, you said in your letter that you don't feel
the spirit of Christmas this year?
That's right, Santa.
Well, this is serious.
Why don't you both have a mince pie. and I'll have another nip of sherry
and we'll solve our troubles together?
Yes, we will.
Just another nip.
Just a couple more nips.
That's a lot of nips.
Are you really going to help me, Santa?
I will in a minute.
I'm just working on something else quite complicated here.
Argh! Stop It! Stop! Argh!
Right, get out of the way!
That really was too many nips.
Santa? Hmm? Yes.
Well, in difficult times what you need is a magfastic fagical friend.
A fanfastic magifal...
A fantastic faginal friend...
A friend...
Perhaps an old friend of mine can be a new friend of yours.
# When you're feeling blue When you're all alone
# When you don't know what to do And you're on your own
# All you need is a good friend A brand-new Christmas chum
# He'll get you smilin' and singin' and stop you feeling glum
# Ho, ho, ho! Hee, hee, hee! Let's all be merry and gay
# Hee, hee, hee! Ho, ho, ho! A new friend's on his way
# Ho, ho, ho... #
Tommy, I can take it from here.
# Ho, ho, ho! Hee, hee, hee! Let's all be merry and gay!
# Everybody! Hee, hee, hee! Ho, ho, ho!
# A new friend's... #
Oh, you've missed it now.
You've missed it. That's the end, you see. There.
Right, now we're going to do it.
We'll do it. On his way... Three, four...
# On his... # # On his way. #
Terrible. Absolutely terrible.
Again. # On his...
# Way... #
No, it's a D Flat.
# On his...
# Way. #
We'll call it there.
Don't patronise me.
Right, let's meet a new friend.
Right, stand back, everyone.
Get ready to see some magic!
Hello, Santa!
Hello, Mr Snowman! Merry Christmas, my old friend.
Well, if you've called on me,
that must mean someone's lost their Christmas cheer.
That's right. Come inside and meet Belle!
I'll have to be careful I don't melt!
Oh, get over yourself.
Hello, Belle! Hello, Mr Snowman!
It's very nice to meet you!
I'm going to be your new best friend!
Give me a hug! Yay...
We're going to have so much fun! We can play together.
Every day's an adventure in the snow.
This is not your best work, Chris.
I'm always happy to make a new friend.
There we go, Belle. Don't you feel better now?
Yes, thank you, Santa, much...
..much better.
Oh, don't cry, us elves don't like it when people cry.
I can't bear to look.
I'm sorry, it seems like nothing can bring back my Christmas cheer.
Sometimes everyone feels sad.
Denise left me.
I've never gotten over that.
I'm sure I can cheer Belle up, Santa.
Most of the time I'm fine and then...
..bam!
It hits you.
I'm always happy.
Why? You're essentially enslaved.
Why don't we look at what gifts Santa has brought
and see what there is for you?
Can we help you?
No. No, it's fine. I've got it.
I've practised this.
There.
There!
It's a new doll!
Aw, thank you, Mr Snowman.
It says on my list that dolls aren't Belle's favourite toy.
This calls for the toy machine.
Of course! We can make it appear by magic.
Can't we, Nostle? I think I'm running out of air!
That's right!
Ready, Nostle? Ready!
Here we go.
Three.
Two.
One!
Ahh!
Ooh!
Wow!
This is the magical toy machine.
It can make anything you can dream of.
Any toy imaginable.
Not rude stuff, obviously.
Tell me, Belle, what are your favourite things in the world?
Unicorns!
I think we can manage that, can't we, Nostle?
My legs are numb!
And here we go.
Here we are.
One unicorn.
Oh, it's...
..he's beautiful.
And it's time for us to be on our way.
Of course. Lots more toys to be delivered!
But look, Santa. Belle's still crying.
What is it now? What a drain!
Christmas is hard for all of us, you know!
Where are my gifts?
Think about that.
What's wrong, Belle? Oh, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I love my new friend, and my new doll and my new unicorn
but I just still don't feel very happy.
Something else must be wrong... Something else must be wrong!
Come on, guys, switch on!
Belle? What's all that noise?
Oh, it's Mummy! Hide!
Quickly, behind the curtains.
Belle? Are you awake, darling?
Sleep well, sweetheart.
Lawrence.
When are you coming back? It's gone ten.
What do you mean, you're not?
It's Christmas Eve and we're all alone.
Belle's counting on you.
I'm counting on you.
Merry Christmas, Belle.
Now I know why you're so sad.
Oh, Belle, family is the most important thing in the world,
especially at Christmas.
# I'm a snowy old snowman with carrot nose and twig hands
# But I cannot deny that I adore
# A family by the fire... #
Oh, no... NO, NO.
ARGH!! Get it out!
# Every snowflake is a tiny piece of winter
# Every gust of wind a breath from winters old
# Now summer's disappeared without a whimper
# But you're not alone to face the cold
# For if a snowy old snowman...
# Is all we need to see the winter through. #
Did you enjoy that, Belle?
Not even that lifted my spirit.
Lifted mine.
Do your parents fight a lot, Belle?
My mummy and daddy fight all the time.
And the truth comes out!
I don't want presents or even friends,
all I want is for my parents to be happy.
It's like Nostle always says...
I'm horribly burned.
I just don't know what else we can try.
My buttons are made of biscuits.
We could all eat those.
Thank you, Mr Snowman!
Mm.
Did that taste good?
Yes.
Didn't make you happy though, did it?
I'm afraid not, Nistle. Of course it didn't.
She just ate a plastic button off his pants.
Oh, Santa, remember,
we still have presents to deliver tonight, all over the world.
Sorry Belle, Nipple's right. We have to go. Come on, Nozzle.
We must return to the chimney.
You're already in the chimney, you fool.
The sleigh's in the garden anyway. None of this play makes sense.
I shall return to the snow.
This is not your best work, Chris.
Santa! It's time to leave.
Goodbye, Belle! Merry Christmas.
Oh, Santa, now you look sad.
I've never failed to bring Christmas cheer to a little one before.
It's a sad, sad Christmas.
And we've never known the magical toy machine not to work.
What a car crash.
But...
..Santa, look!
Sleep tight, Belle.
Lawrence?
Look what I found.
Is that the Christmas star?
Yes.
Oh, thank you so much, darling.
It must have fallen out on the garden path
when I was bringing in the decorations.
Splendid.
Now it really feels like Christmas.
Mummy? Daddy!
Sorry, Belle. I didn't mean to wake you.
Have you stopped fighting?
Yes, Belle. Yes, we have.
I'm sorry I lost my temper.
I thought you were fighting because of me.
Of course not, sweetheart.
I'm sorry for arguing with you, darling.
Christmas isn't a time for fighting.
It's a time for love, kindness and understanding.
You stupid man. I hope you have a bad Christmas.
Santa, look how happy Belle is now!
Perhaps we weren't needed here after all.
All she needed was the love of her mother and...
Oh, this is saccharine crap.
Give it six months, he'll be living in his car like I am.
Don't feel bad, it's a Honda Civic.
Right, time for bed, I think, or Santa won't come!
I'm already here, you idiot!
Merry Christmas, Belle.
Oh, thank you, Santa.
Thank you, Belle. Let's have another one of those sherries.
No, I don't think I should, I'm only a little girl.
You're 26.
Right, come on, final hurdle, here we go! What have you learned?
Well, I've learned that at Christmas
I don't need presents and toys.
As long as I've got my family in my heart, I know I'll be happy.
Have you learned anything tonight, Santa?
Not really.
Nothing? No, I tell you one thing I've learned.
Christmas, ultimately - commercial holiday.
Who's the real winner at Christmas? I'll tell you who.
Amazon.
They have drones now.
Tiny little dystopian sleighs delivering iPads and headphones.
I ordered a toaster - it was on the doorstep five hours later.
Do we need that?
It was 4.99!
For a toaster! I mean, someone's being exploited there, aren't they?
Santa, I think we should... I know! I know!
I expect you're all going to write in, aren't you?
Typical BBC audience.
Nothing better to do than sit around complaining about my conduct.
Well, this time just leave it. All right? Leave it.
Don't cut away.
We've had enough complaints this series,
no-one even reads them any more.
Do you know what we do with them? We burn them.
In a massive weekly bonfire in the car park.
Which, ironically, generates a lot of complaints.
Santa, I think we should go.
Oh, yes, walk away! Just like Denise!
Am I giving a good performance?
Bye-bye, Santa.
Wow. Hint taken.
Let's roll.
Hello, Rudolph.
Chris, you're having a shocker.
Bye, Belle! Bye, Santa!
Are you ready, Rudolph?
Clearly a matter for rehearsals, Dennis.
Remember, little ones, if you're ever worried about a thing,
I'll come to your house.
A Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.
Belle's family were reunited.
They were full of festive cheer,
all looking forward to a happy New Year.
CREDITS