1
00:00:00,031 --> 00:00:01,921
This is an exciting day.

2
00:00:02,011 --> 00:00:04,640
We are going to tackle
The Trolley Problem.

3
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Is this a game? I go first. I call blue.

4
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There's no... this is...

5
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No, this is a thought experiment
first introduced

6
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by British philosopher
Philippa Foot in 1967.

7
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You are driving a trolley
when the brakes fail,

8
00:00:20,932 --> 00:00:24,234
and on the track ahead of you
are five workmen

9
00:00:24,269 --> 00:00:26,536
that you will run over.

10
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Now, you can steer to another
track, but on that track

11
00:00:30,908 --> 00:00:33,777
is one person you would kill
instead of the five.

12
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What do you do?

13
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Do we know anything about the people?

14
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Like, is one of them an ex-boyfriend

15
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or that snooty girl from Rite Aid

16
00:00:41,619 --> 00:00:43,920
who was always
silently judging my purchases?

17
00:00:43,955 --> 00:00:46,390
It's like, yeah, chicky,
a Baby Ruth and birth control.

18
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I see the irony. Keep a-swipin'.

19
00:00:48,355 --> 00:00:50,356
You don't know any of the workers.

20
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Okay, well, then that's easy.
I switch tracks.

21
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Kill one person instead of five.

22
00:00:54,294 --> 00:00:56,128
But this is hard
because the only trolley

23
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I've ever been on is
James Franco's ironic trolley.

24
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It travels backwards
from his penguin grotto

25
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to his garage of adult tricycles.

26
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- Um, kill one, save five.
- Good!

27
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But there's a lot
of other versions of this,

28
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like what if you knew one of the people?

29
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Does that change the equation?

30
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Or what if you're not the
driver, you're just a bystander?

31
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Or let's throw
the trolley out altogether.

32
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Let's say you're a doctor,
and you can save five patients.

33
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But you have to kill one healthy person

34
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and use his organs to do it.

35
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But that's not the same thing.

36
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Why not?

37
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It's still choosing to kill one
person to save five, isn't it?

38
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Michael, you've been kind of quiet.

39
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What do you think about all this?

40
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Well, obviously the dilemma is clear.

41
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How do you kill all six people?

42
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So I would dangle
a sharp blade out the window

43
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to slice the neck
of the guy on the other track

44
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as we smush our five main guys.

45
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Oh, I did the thing again, didn't I?

46
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- Yep. Ten more, buddy.
- People good. People good.

47
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Why is that so hard to remember?
People... What is it?

48
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- Good.
- Good.

49
00:02:04,734 --> 00:02:09,500
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

50
00:02:12,405 --> 00:02:14,440
Cool. Later, guys.

51
00:02:14,474 --> 00:02:16,242
Oh, hey, twerps, we have an hour

52
00:02:16,276 --> 00:02:18,010
before we have to pretend
to be tortured by Vicky.

53
00:02:18,044 --> 00:02:19,511
You want to hang out?

54
00:02:19,546 --> 00:02:21,213
We could work on our forced grins.

55
00:02:21,248 --> 00:02:22,881
Check mine out.

56
00:02:22,916 --> 00:02:25,851
This place is miserable, etcetera.

57
00:02:25,885 --> 00:02:27,853
- That sounds fun.
- Right?

58
00:02:27,887 --> 00:02:30,522
But I was gonna dive into
next week's reading, I'm afraid.

59
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Sorry. Jason, do you, um, care to join?

60
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Sure, dog.

61
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You're doing extra-credit work?

62
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What can I say? This class
is more fun than I thought.

63
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Eleanor seemed a little
suspicious earlier,

64
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snooping around.

65
00:02:48,908 --> 00:02:51,977
You didn't tell her about us, did you?

66
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No.

67
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Why are you so scared

68
00:02:55,348 --> 00:02:56,749
that someone will know
we're pounding it out?

69
00:02:56,783 --> 00:02:58,717
Precisely because you refer
to lovemaking

70
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as "pounding it out."

71
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Who cares about
what other people might think

72
00:03:01,855 --> 00:03:03,656
about us being together?

73
00:03:03,690 --> 00:03:07,059
Maybe you should talk
about this with a friend.

74
00:03:07,093 --> 00:03:09,828
But then that person
would know we were together.

75
00:03:09,863 --> 00:03:11,964
Right. Then you can talk about why it is

76
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that you don't want anyone
to know we're together.

77
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But then that person would know,

78
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and I don't want anyone to know.

79
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I know.

80
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I'm saying you should talk
to someone about how weird it is

81
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that you don't want to talk to someone

82
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about how we're together.

83
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How's it going, teach?

84
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Hmm, kitchen looks nice and crazy.

85
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I've been racking my brain,

86
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trying to find a way
to get through to Michael.

87
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What do you think about writing
a rap musical about Kierkegaard?

88
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I think that's a terrible idea.

89
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Cool.

90
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Michael's not going to learn

91
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how to be a good person overnight.

92
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He's not even a person.

93
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He's just a bunch of evil

94
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shoved up the butt
of an evil mannequin, you know.

95
00:03:50,503 --> 00:03:52,538
Teaching him to be good... it's like...

96
00:03:52,572 --> 00:03:54,440
teaching me how to be not hot.

97
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How would you even do it?

98
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You'd have me hunch or something

99
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and then stand there and say
"gurp, gurp, gurp"?

100
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I don't even know.

101
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I can't even picture it because
I've been hot my whole life.

102
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I'm sorry. Who is this
conversation for again?

103
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It's for you.

104
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I believe in you, nerd boy.

105
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If you can teach me and Jason ethics,

106
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you can teach anybody.

107
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Thanks.

108
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But definitely a no on the rap musical?

109
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I mean, if we really...

110
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My name is Kierkegaard,

111
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and my writing is impeccable.

112
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Check out my teleological
suspension of the ethical.

113
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- No.
- No! Right?

114
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No, it felt like
a no when I was doing it.

115
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- Janet?
- Hi, there.

116
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If I were to tell you
something personal about myself,

117
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you couldn't tell anyone
about it, right?

118
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Right.

119
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So, in a way,
you're sort of like a therapist.

120
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Absolutely not. A therapist is
a trained medical professional

121
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with the ability to absorb
and process complex ideas

122
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about human emotion.

123
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I am simply a vessel

124
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containing all of the knowledge
in the universe.

125
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Close enough. Jason and I
are sleeping together.

126
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Okay.

127
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Obviously, no one can ever know.

128
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I mean, I wouldn't shag Jason if
he were the last man on Earth.

129
00:05:00,974 --> 00:05:03,842
But... well, he sort of is, and I am...

130
00:05:03,877 --> 00:05:05,677
shagging him, I mean.

131
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And I think I'm losing my mind,
so please help me.

132
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Well, my job is to make
your experience here

133
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in the afterlife more enjoyable,
so I will try to help you.

134
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I am going to need some time

135
00:05:15,622 --> 00:05:18,724
to read every book ever written
about human psychotherapy.

136
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And now I've done that, so let's begin.

137
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Have a seat.

138
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Hi, I'm your therapist, Janet.

139
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I just want to have a little
chat about your progress.

140
00:05:29,836 --> 00:05:31,904
In the last homework assignment,

141
00:05:31,938 --> 00:05:35,541
I asked you to examine
the ethics of "Les Misérables,"

142
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in which a man steals a loaf of bread

143
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to feed his starving family.

144
00:05:39,479 --> 00:05:42,581
Would you please read
your first paragraph here?

145
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"Everyone in this story sucks
and belongs in the Bad Place.

146
00:05:48,188 --> 00:05:50,889
"The thief is bad.
The officer chasing him is bad.

147
00:05:50,924 --> 00:05:53,158
"All the whiny prostitutes are bad.

148
00:05:53,193 --> 00:05:54,927
"Plus, they're all French,

149
00:05:54,961 --> 00:05:56,829
so they're going
to the Bad Place automatically."

150
00:05:56,863 --> 00:06:00,232
Do you see how you're already off topic?

151
00:06:00,266 --> 00:06:03,068
Chidi, I've been around a long time...

152
00:06:03,102 --> 00:06:05,003
like, all of it.

153
00:06:05,038 --> 00:06:07,840
But I know for a fact that
if you steal a loaf of bread,

154
00:06:07,874 --> 00:06:10,075
it's a negative 17 points...

155
00:06:10,109 --> 00:06:13,111
20 if it's a baguette because
that makes you more French.

156
00:06:13,146 --> 00:06:16,248
Okay. Sure. But philosophy is

157
00:06:16,282 --> 00:06:18,750
about questioning things
that you take for granted,

158
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and I-I just don't think that
you're doing that.

159
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I mean, "I personally know
that Victor Hugo

160
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"is in the Bad Place being tortured.

161
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"He's a real wuss, too.

162
00:06:28,228 --> 00:06:30,662
"If one of the lava monsters
even gets near the guy,

163
00:06:30,697 --> 00:06:35,267
"he's like, 'Sacre bleu,
I peed in my pants.'"

164
00:06:35,301 --> 00:06:36,835
I don't know what you want from me.

165
00:06:36,870 --> 00:06:39,471
T-that's exactly what he said.

166
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:42,474
Jason's a nice person,

167
00:06:42,509 --> 00:06:45,777
but my suitors were always
of a certain echelon.

168
00:06:45,812 --> 00:06:47,679
I used what I called the "Duke Rule,"

169
00:06:47,714 --> 00:06:50,015
because Duke is both
minimum acceptable university

170
00:06:50,049 --> 00:06:51,683
and rank of nobility.

171
00:06:51,718 --> 00:06:54,520
You've never dated anyone
like Jason before.

172
00:06:54,554 --> 00:06:56,688
I mean, I've dallied below my station.

173
00:06:56,723 --> 00:06:59,558
I once had a brief fling with
a non-famous Hemsworth brother,

174
00:06:59,592 --> 00:07:03,195
but even Larry Hemsworth
had more status than Jason.

175
00:07:03,229 --> 00:07:04,897
Jason didn't even have a job...

176
00:07:04,931 --> 00:07:07,633
in a sad way, not in the good, rich way.

177
00:07:07,667 --> 00:07:10,235
Hey, guys. What are you doing?

178
00:07:10,270 --> 00:07:11,803
Sitting in a room?

179
00:07:11,838 --> 00:07:12,971
That's pretty cool.

180
00:07:13,006 --> 00:07:14,740
I took your suggestion,

181
00:07:14,774 --> 00:07:16,508
and I'm talking to Janet
about our relationship.

182
00:07:16,543 --> 00:07:18,043
Actually, it might help me

183
00:07:18,077 --> 00:07:19,878
if I could hear Jason's side as well.

184
00:07:19,913 --> 00:07:21,079
Oh, no, no, no.
That'll only slow things down.

185
00:07:21,114 --> 00:07:22,848
Look, I'll tell you his side.

186
00:07:22,882 --> 00:07:24,650
He thinks that I have
to control everything

187
00:07:24,684 --> 00:07:26,151
and that he has
no voice in this relationship.

188
00:07:26,185 --> 00:07:28,287
Right, Jason? Good. Now, where were we?

189
00:07:30,723 --> 00:07:32,090
I just... heard that.

190
00:07:32,125 --> 00:07:34,760
Okay, fine. I'll leave.

191
00:07:34,794 --> 00:07:38,931
I just don't feel like you're
engaging with the material...

192
00:07:38,965 --> 00:07:41,033
like with The Trolley Problem.

193
00:07:41,067 --> 00:07:43,235
That was just tricky. That's all.

194
00:07:43,269 --> 00:07:45,337
Why don't you just tell me
the right answer?

195
00:07:45,371 --> 00:07:47,773
Well, that's what's so great
about The Trolley Problem

196
00:07:47,807 --> 00:07:49,841
is that there is no right answer.

197
00:07:49,876 --> 00:07:51,677
Ugh.

198
00:07:51,711 --> 00:07:54,613
This is why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.

199
00:07:54,647 --> 00:07:57,082
I'm on your side here,
dude, but he is not wrong.

200
00:07:57,116 --> 00:07:58,717
Okay, Michael...

201
00:07:58,751 --> 00:08:00,686
trust me.

202
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,854
When it comes to human ethics,

203
00:08:02,889 --> 00:08:06,091
I just know more than you.

204
00:08:06,125 --> 00:08:08,727
I've been studying it my whole life.

205
00:08:08,761 --> 00:08:11,296
It's just that
it's so theoretical, you know?

206
00:08:11,331 --> 00:08:14,700
I mean, you know,
maybe there's a more...

207
00:08:14,734 --> 00:08:16,969
concrete approach.

208
00:08:17,003 --> 00:08:18,937
Here, let's try this.

209
00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:23,809
Oh, God! Michael, what did you do?

210
00:08:25,178 --> 00:08:27,045
I made The Trolley Problem real

211
00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,147
so we could see how the ethics
would actually play out.

212
00:08:29,182 --> 00:08:32,217
There are five workers on
this track and one over there.

213
00:08:32,251 --> 00:08:34,620
Here are the levers
to switch the tracks.

214
00:08:34,654 --> 00:08:36,154
Make a choice.

215
00:08:36,189 --> 00:08:37,656
T-the thing is, I mean,
ethically speaking...

216
00:08:37,690 --> 00:08:39,157
No time, dude! Make a decision!

217
00:08:39,192 --> 00:08:41,059
Well, it's tricky!
I mean, on the one hand,

218
00:08:41,094 --> 00:08:43,295
if you ascribe to a purely
utilitarian worldview...

219
00:08:48,001 --> 00:08:50,944
Okay. So...

220
00:08:51,304 --> 00:08:52,771
what did we learn?

221
00:08:55,257 --> 00:08:58,755
Chidi? Talk it out, buddy.

222
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,307
What are we thinking?

223
00:09:00,403 --> 00:09:02,809
He thinks he just killed a
bunch of people with a trolley.

224
00:09:02,857 --> 00:09:04,192
It's just a simulation.

225
00:09:04,217 --> 00:09:06,425
I would never make you kill real people.

226
00:09:06,450 --> 00:09:08,275
Oh, well, that's reassuring,

227
00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:12,869
because some of the parts of the
fake people flew into my mouth!

228
00:09:12,894 --> 00:09:15,153
Michael, can we just go back
to the classroom?

229
00:09:15,209 --> 00:09:17,444
We never left. Here, I'll show you.

230
00:09:23,862 --> 00:09:25,696
Look. See, buddy? None of this was real.

231
00:09:25,724 --> 00:09:29,602
Well, they're fake people,
but their pain is real.

232
00:09:29,649 --> 00:09:30,860
Does that make sense?

233
00:09:30,885 --> 00:09:33,733
There have to be stakes, or it's
just another thought experiment.

234
00:09:33,768 --> 00:09:34,935
This is awful.

235
00:09:34,969 --> 00:09:36,937
You specifically asked me

236
00:09:36,971 --> 00:09:40,707
if there was a way I could
connect with the material more.

237
00:09:40,741 --> 00:09:43,376
I'm trying, you guys.

238
00:09:44,745 --> 00:09:47,314
Sorry. You're right.

239
00:09:47,348 --> 00:09:49,282
I want to help you understand this.

240
00:09:49,317 --> 00:09:50,984
Thank you, Chidi.

241
00:09:51,018 --> 00:09:53,420
So let's try again, hmm?

242
00:09:53,454 --> 00:09:56,656
Oh, uh, I-I thought maybe
we would have a discussion.

243
00:09:56,691 --> 00:09:59,826
No, the whole point is to play
out the scenario in real time.

244
00:09:59,851 --> 00:10:01,533
Quick, Chidi! What's your decision?

245
00:10:01,558 --> 00:10:02,858
Okay. Okay. I can do this.

246
00:10:02,892 --> 00:10:05,361
I am choosing to switch tracks,

247
00:10:05,395 --> 00:10:07,796
so that way, I only kill one person.

248
00:10:07,831 --> 00:10:08,931
Oh, forgot to tell you.

249
00:10:08,965 --> 00:10:10,666
This is the scenario

250
00:10:10,700 --> 00:10:12,434
where you actually know
one of the people.

251
00:10:12,469 --> 00:10:14,036
It's your friend Henry there.

252
00:10:14,070 --> 00:10:16,705
Chidi! How are you, mate?

253
00:10:16,740 --> 00:10:18,474
Henry, move!

254
00:10:18,508 --> 00:10:19,775
- Oh, nice trolley.
- Move out of the way!

255
00:10:19,809 --> 00:10:21,143
- Henry, move!
- I can't, Chidi.

256
00:10:21,177 --> 00:10:22,878
My boots are stuck in the tracks.

257
00:10:22,912 --> 00:10:25,647
- Henry, move!
- Anyway, long time no...

258
00:10:26,683 --> 00:10:28,384
Oh, my God!

259
00:10:30,086 --> 00:10:31,887
Again, just a simulation...

260
00:10:31,921 --> 00:10:35,657
an almost
impossibly lifelike simulation.

261
00:10:35,692 --> 00:10:38,127
Would someone's foot really
fly off their body like that?

262
00:10:38,161 --> 00:10:40,662
That was kind of cool.

263
00:10:40,697 --> 00:10:42,831
Ethically speaking.

264
00:10:42,866 --> 00:10:46,668
Tahani's confusing. She's really smart.

265
00:10:46,703 --> 00:10:49,838
And she's all soft and smooth
like a bunch of water balloons.

266
00:10:49,873 --> 00:10:53,475
But I tell her she's pretty
a hundred times a day,

267
00:10:53,510 --> 00:10:56,178
and she's never said I'm pretty once.

268
00:10:56,212 --> 00:10:58,013
And how does that make you feel?

269
00:10:58,048 --> 00:10:59,681
I just feel like Tahani's embarrassed

270
00:10:59,716 --> 00:11:00,916
that I'm not some sort of scientist

271
00:11:00,950 --> 00:11:02,918
who forecloses on banks.

272
00:11:02,952 --> 00:11:04,853
I need another session with Janet.

273
00:11:04,888 --> 00:11:06,588
It's my turn. I have a lot
of problems, too, you know.

274
00:11:06,623 --> 00:11:09,391
Perhaps we could kill two birds

275
00:11:09,426 --> 00:11:11,493
with one Janet, as it were.

276
00:11:11,528 --> 00:11:13,495
How would you feel about giving
Jason and me couples therapy?

277
00:11:13,530 --> 00:11:15,864
I'd feel great.

278
00:11:20,637 --> 00:11:22,704
Janet, what's happening?

279
00:11:22,739 --> 00:11:24,540
Unclear.

280
00:11:24,574 --> 00:11:26,408
My guess is I'm operating
in a way I'm not designed for,

281
00:11:26,443 --> 00:11:27,843
and it's creating a small glitch.

282
00:11:27,877 --> 00:11:30,546
But if I'm helping you guys, I say...

283
00:11:30,580 --> 00:11:32,781
"What has one thumb
and wants to keep going?"

284
00:11:32,816 --> 00:11:34,750
This not-lady.

285
00:11:34,784 --> 00:11:37,419
Eh? Eh?

286
00:11:39,456 --> 00:11:40,889
Okay, so that was

287
00:11:40,924 --> 00:11:42,758
Trolley Problem version number seven.

288
00:11:42,792 --> 00:11:46,061
Chidi opted to run over
five William Shakespeares

289
00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:48,931
instead of one Santa Claus.

290
00:11:48,965 --> 00:11:50,466
Okay, as much as I'm enjoying

291
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:52,134
watching random people's heads fly off,

292
00:11:52,168 --> 00:11:55,104
I think we've taken this trolley
thing as far as it can go.

293
00:11:55,138 --> 00:11:58,540
- You might be right, Eleanor.
- Thank you.

294
00:11:58,575 --> 00:12:00,909
Let's try the doctor one.

295
00:12:00,944 --> 00:12:02,744
Dude, what the fork?

296
00:12:02,779 --> 00:12:05,080
These five people
all need organ transplants,

297
00:12:05,115 --> 00:12:06,582
or they will die.

298
00:12:06,616 --> 00:12:08,550
Eleanor's perfectly healthy.

299
00:12:08,585 --> 00:12:10,586
Chidi, do you want to slice
her open and use her organs

300
00:12:10,620 --> 00:12:11,820
to save the five sick people?

301
00:12:11,855 --> 00:12:13,155
Chidi, Chidi, think about this.

302
00:12:13,189 --> 00:12:15,791
I'm your hottest friend... No, Tahani.

303
00:12:15,825 --> 00:12:17,626
I'm your nicest fr... No, Jason.

304
00:12:17,660 --> 00:12:18,961
I'm your friend.

305
00:12:18,995 --> 00:12:20,996
I-I won't do it.

306
00:12:21,030 --> 00:12:23,565
As a doctor, I've taken the
Hippocratic Oath to do no harm,

307
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:24,933
and although five people will die,

308
00:12:24,968 --> 00:12:26,935
I cannot harm one innocent person

309
00:12:26,970 --> 00:12:28,904
to save them and forsake my oath.

310
00:12:28,938 --> 00:12:30,606
It's unethical.

311
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:32,274
Okay.

312
00:12:32,308 --> 00:12:34,810
- Tell their families.
- What?

313
00:12:37,514 --> 00:12:41,950
Doctor Chidi? My daddy
needed a heart transplant.

314
00:12:41,985 --> 00:12:43,685
Did you save his life?

315
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:46,655
He was working, then a really bad man

316
00:12:46,689 --> 00:12:48,090
ran him over with a trolley.

317
00:12:48,124 --> 00:12:50,626
Oh! Come on!

318
00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:52,094
What?

319
00:12:52,128 --> 00:12:53,762
I'm finding this incredibly helpful.

320
00:12:53,796 --> 00:12:55,764
I think I'm really starting to get it.

321
00:12:55,798 --> 00:12:58,500
Oh, I know. We'll do the one
where you're in a boat

322
00:12:58,535 --> 00:13:01,270
next to a volcano, and you can
either save 50 people,

323
00:13:01,304 --> 00:13:03,705
or one awesome dog or whatever.

324
00:13:03,740 --> 00:13:06,141
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Hey.

325
00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:07,976
Are you torturing us again?

326
00:13:08,011 --> 00:13:09,678
What?

327
00:13:09,712 --> 00:13:11,213
You don't care
about learning ethics lessons.

328
00:13:11,247 --> 00:13:13,615
You're just torturing
Chidi again, aren't you?

329
00:13:14,984 --> 00:13:16,018
- Busted.
- What?

330
00:13:19,322 --> 00:13:21,990
I'm sorry. Old habits die hard.

331
00:13:22,025 --> 00:13:23,792
Not as hard as those people

332
00:13:23,826 --> 00:13:25,861
you crushed with the trolley,
though. Boom!

333
00:13:25,895 --> 00:13:27,696
I'm sorry, is this funny to you?

334
00:13:27,730 --> 00:13:29,998
Yeah. I thought
that was clear from my laughter.

335
00:13:30,033 --> 00:13:32,000
Oh, come on.

336
00:13:32,035 --> 00:13:34,002
My bad.

337
00:13:34,037 --> 00:13:36,038
Look, I'm still on your team, okay?

338
00:13:36,072 --> 00:13:38,840
I just needed to let off a little steam.

339
00:13:38,875 --> 00:13:39,975
Phew.

340
00:13:40,009 --> 00:13:41,910
See? Back home. All good.

341
00:13:41,945 --> 00:13:44,646
No. No. Not all good.

342
00:13:44,681 --> 00:13:46,181
You keep saying that we need you,

343
00:13:46,216 --> 00:13:48,083
or we'll end up
getting tortured forever.

344
00:13:48,117 --> 00:13:49,851
But then when we do help you out,

345
00:13:49,886 --> 00:13:51,987
we still end up getting tortured.

346
00:13:52,021 --> 00:13:56,191
I'd rather just be tortured
than choose it.

347
00:13:56,226 --> 00:13:58,060
You are no longer welcome in my class.

348
00:13:58,094 --> 00:14:00,929
Get the fork out!

349
00:14:05,735 --> 00:14:08,670
- But I said "my bad."
- Out!

350
00:14:10,381 --> 00:14:11,459
You okay?

351
00:14:11,623 --> 00:14:14,039
You've been staring at the second page
of this book for an hour.

352
00:14:14,351 --> 00:14:16,274
When I'm really upset,

353
00:14:16,446 --> 00:14:19,964
concentrating on a table
of contents helps me calm down.

354
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:24,163
It's like a menu, but the food is words.

355
00:14:24,198 --> 00:14:25,798
Oh, okay.

356
00:14:25,833 --> 00:14:27,533
I can't believe I actually thought

357
00:14:27,568 --> 00:14:29,035
he wanted to learn from us.

358
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,870
What he really wanted was to torture me,

359
00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:32,839
using the thing
that I love most in the world.

360
00:14:32,873 --> 00:14:34,607
Woven belts?

361
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:37,043
Oh, teaching. Right.

362
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:38,945
I'm sorry about this, Chidi.

363
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:42,782
I made him take the classes,
and I feel a little responsible.

364
00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:44,517
Oh, no, it's not your fault.

365
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:45,985
Yeah, you're right. It isn't.
And no take-backs.

366
00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:48,621
No, a tiger can't change his stripes.

367
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:50,556
This is what he always wanted...

368
00:14:50,591 --> 00:14:52,525
me trying desperately

369
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:54,460
to teach him something
that he never intended to learn

370
00:14:54,495 --> 00:14:57,497
so I'd end up miserable
with my glasses all smudged up

371
00:14:57,531 --> 00:14:59,465
from sweaty-forehead stress grease.

372
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:00,800
Okay. Gross.

373
00:15:00,834 --> 00:15:03,169
Also, I really don't think that's true.

374
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:07,573
Oh, no? What possible
other reason could he have

375
00:15:07,608 --> 00:15:08,741
to behave that way?

376
00:15:08,776 --> 00:15:13,045
Actually, I can think of one.

377
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,481
Yesterday Tahani gave us her reasons

378
00:15:15,516 --> 00:15:17,583
not to take this relationship public.

379
00:15:17,618 --> 00:15:19,986
Tahani, what do you value about Jason?

380
00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:22,522
Well, he's thoughtful...

381
00:15:22,556 --> 00:15:24,757
picks flowers and brings them to me.

382
00:15:24,792 --> 00:15:26,926
Often they're ones
I've just planted, but...

383
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,761
That's how I know they fresh.

384
00:15:28,796 --> 00:15:31,230
He's the least self-aware
person I've ever met.

385
00:15:31,265 --> 00:15:34,100
He has massive amounts
of unearned confidence

386
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:37,737
and is utterly unaware
of his own absurdity.

387
00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:39,872
Therefore, quite good at sex.

388
00:15:39,907 --> 00:15:41,207
Here's the thing.

389
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:43,943
I'm nice to you, and you're mean to me.

390
00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:46,112
There's something wrong about that,

391
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,781
but I can't put my finger on what it is.

392
00:15:48,816 --> 00:15:50,616
Oh, Jason.

393
00:15:50,651 --> 00:15:52,218
I genuinely like you,

394
00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:54,587
but it's hard to change all at once.

395
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:56,589
Can you give me a little more time?

396
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,291
Okay.

397
00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:01,294
I agree to keep this on the DL for now,

398
00:16:01,328 --> 00:16:04,964
if you agree to grab my butt
in public once a week.

399
00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:06,566
You can say I sat in gum

400
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,101
and that you're trying to scrape it off.

401
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:11,637
You do sit in a lot of gum.

402
00:16:11,672 --> 00:16:14,941
Aw, I'm happy for you guys.

403
00:16:19,847 --> 00:16:23,716
Huh.

404
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,985
Look, I don't know what to tell you.

405
00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:28,754
If Chidi can't take a joke,
that's on him...

406
00:16:28,789 --> 00:16:30,556
just like all that blood was.

407
00:16:31,692 --> 00:16:33,726
I can't high-five that!

408
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,661
No matter how badly I want to.

409
00:16:35,696 --> 00:16:39,131
Look, this isn't about Chidi
not being able to take a joke.

410
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:42,835
This is about you.
You're doing what I used to do.

411
00:16:42,870 --> 00:16:44,670
You're pulling an Eleanor.

412
00:16:44,705 --> 00:16:47,273
Posting my cousin's
credit card number on Reddit

413
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:49,108
because she said I looked tired?

414
00:16:50,878 --> 00:16:53,012
I forgot I did that.

415
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:54,647
No. No.

416
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:56,582
Pulling an Eleanor in this case

417
00:16:56,617 --> 00:16:58,818
is lashing out
when you feel like a failure.

418
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:00,786
You couldn't hack the classes.

419
00:17:00,821 --> 00:17:02,622
They made you feel dumb and small,

420
00:17:02,656 --> 00:17:04,023
so you took it out on the teacher.

421
00:17:04,057 --> 00:17:06,292
You think I feel dumb and small?

422
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:09,762
I'm an eternal being who can see
in nine dimensions.

423
00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:11,664
I can see from your aura

424
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,699
that you're about to fart
quietly and then lie about it.

425
00:17:13,734 --> 00:17:16,302
And please don't, because I can
also see what you ate today.

426
00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:18,871
Dude, you can bluster
and insult all you want...

427
00:17:18,906 --> 00:17:21,040
also classic Shellstrop moves,
by the way...

428
00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:23,376
but deep down you know I'm right.

429
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:24,844
Whatever.

430
00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,379
Eventually Chidi will get over it.

431
00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,314
Ah!

432
00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:30,116
Leaving it up to the other
person to be the grown-up...

433
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:31,884
yet another classic Shellstrop move.

434
00:17:31,919 --> 00:17:35,688
You and I are really very similar.

435
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,356
What does that say about me? Ugh.

436
00:17:37,391 --> 00:17:39,158
Look, bro,

437
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:41,727
it's 100% on you to make this up to him.

438
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:46,832
I screwed up.

439
00:17:46,867 --> 00:17:48,734
I'm owning it.

440
00:17:48,769 --> 00:17:51,203
I mean, I'm a superior being...

441
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,872
I ought to act like one, right?

442
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:56,075
So I really thought
about each one of you,

443
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:58,744
and I got you something
that will make you happy.

444
00:17:58,779 --> 00:18:02,248
I call them "opposite tortures."

445
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:03,749
Do you mean presents?

446
00:18:03,784 --> 00:18:05,084
Yes, that's better. Thank you.

447
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:06,919
Tahani, here's yours.

448
00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:11,023
Holy mama.

449
00:18:11,058 --> 00:18:12,692
Is this a diamond?

450
00:18:12,726 --> 00:18:15,161
Yeah. Honestly, I don't get the appeal.

451
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:18,364
Diamonds are literally
carbon molecules lined up

452
00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:20,366
in the most boring way.

453
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,902
They're worthless space garbage.
What you're holding right now...

454
00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:24,937
that's basically meteorite poop.

455
00:18:24,972 --> 00:18:27,106
And I have the biggest piece!

456
00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:28,908
Eleanor...

457
00:18:28,942 --> 00:18:32,845
I had Janet make you a
never-ending shrimp dispensery.

458
00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:40,753
Oh!

459
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,122
This is the dream.

460
00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,890
- It is?
- Yeah.

461
00:18:44,925 --> 00:18:47,226
Jason, here you go.

462
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,928
Pikachu!

463
00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,963
Guys, it's Pikachu!

464
00:18:50,998 --> 00:18:54,400
This is awesome...

465
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,469
Aw, man.

466
00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:58,971
And finally, Chidi.

467
00:18:59,006 --> 00:19:02,441
You were a tough nut to crack,
but I think I figured it out.

468
00:19:05,779 --> 00:19:07,279
This is a replica

469
00:19:07,314 --> 00:19:11,817
of a lost notebook
from the desk of Immanuel Kant.

470
00:19:11,852 --> 00:19:16,088
It contains never-before-seen
thoughts and musings

471
00:19:16,123 --> 00:19:18,290
and several, uh...

472
00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:20,159
crude erotic doodles.

473
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:22,128
Interesting guy, actually.

474
00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:26,165
The point is, no one on Earth
has ever seen this...

475
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:27,933
except for you.

476
00:19:27,968 --> 00:19:30,169
Cool.

477
00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:31,837
This isn't an apology.

478
00:19:31,872 --> 00:19:34,106
It's a bribe, and I'm not interested.

479
00:19:34,141 --> 00:19:35,775
Yeah, we can't be bought.

480
00:19:35,809 --> 00:19:37,443
What do you want from me, man?

481
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:40,513
You want me to give you a golden
nameplate for your office?

482
00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,848
Or you want a diamond
bigger than Tahani's?

483
00:19:42,883 --> 00:19:45,751
No! Then this would be worthless.

484
00:19:45,786 --> 00:19:46,952
I don't want anything.

485
00:19:46,987 --> 00:19:50,189
Oh. Oh, okay. Ah, I get it.

486
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:52,525
I get it. You want me
to admit that I was wrong.

487
00:19:52,559 --> 00:19:56,095
You want me to say,
"Oh, Chidi, I'm so sorry

488
00:19:56,129 --> 00:19:58,998
"because I didn't understand
human ethics and you do.

489
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:02,168
"It made me feel insecure,
and I lashed out.

490
00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:04,537
"And, oh, please help me
because I feel so...

491
00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:07,239
so lost and vulnerable."

492
00:20:08,842 --> 00:20:10,142
Yes.

493
00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:17,216
Oh, Chidi, I am so sorry. I, um...

494
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:20,853
I didn't understand
human ethics, and you do.

495
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:23,389
And it made me feel insecure,

496
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,791
and I lashed out.

497
00:20:25,826 --> 00:20:29,795
And I really need your help
because I feel...

498
00:20:29,830 --> 00:20:32,865
so lost and vulnerable.

499
00:20:34,101 --> 00:20:35,801
Have a seat.

500
00:20:40,574 --> 00:20:42,241
Whoo-hoo!

501
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:44,176
Nobody try mystery flavor.

502
00:20:44,211 --> 00:20:46,846
It's white chocolate, and it is nasty.

503
00:20:49,203 --> 00:20:52,637
Listen, we just wanted to
thank you for all of your help.

504
00:20:52,718 --> 00:20:54,859
Our relationship has grown
so much stronger

505
00:20:54,884 --> 00:20:56,975
over the past few weeks,
and we owe it all to you.

506
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,200
Congratulations.

507
00:20:58,235 --> 00:20:59,902
I am very happy for the both of you.

508
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,550
Okay. Bye.

509
00:21:13,050 --> 00:21:14,383
Hi, there.

510
00:21:14,418 --> 00:21:15,843
What's happening? What's wrong?

511
00:21:15,875 --> 00:21:17,055
I am wrong.

512
00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:18,890
I can't stop glitching.
I don't know why.

513
00:21:18,915 --> 00:21:20,523
And it's getting worse.

514
00:21:20,557 --> 00:21:23,351
I fear this neighborhood
is in danger of total collapse.

515
00:21:23,694 --> 00:21:26,896
So that's the main thing. How are you?

516
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:28,320
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com