_
Whoo! Let's pregame.
Uh, no "whoo" for me. I have no time.
Everyone is so busy. Ellis is getting ready for the party,
Pradeep is setting up Halloween for his kids...
So I'm the last one you called?
Last and best. Obviously.
I have to finish work
and an episode of "Selling Sunset" before the party tonight.
I haven't even started thinking about a costume.
What's the theme again?
Universal classic monsters.
Ellis!
Why do we have to do a big,
complicated Halloween this year?
Complicated? It's classic costumes!
Plus, you and Garret are the masters
- of quarantine crafting. - Not anymore.
It has been seven months, and we are burnt out.
Do you know what we had for dinner last night?
Stew.
Not a carbonnade a la flamande,
not a niçoise soup, stew.
I don't think we have a fancy Halloween
- in us this year. - I mean...
do you have to watch an episode of "Selling Sunset"?
Uh, yeah, I do.
Garret and I were watching together,
but then he asked if he could watch one without me,
and I said, "Yeah, sure, I'll catch up,"
but then I watched one without him, and then...
- Michelle. - I know!
We're stuck in this catching up loop,
but that show is like an illegal drug.
I know it's bad for me, but I just can't stop.
I am so tired.
Who's that?
Oh... that's the other reason I'm drinking.
You know how my internet is the worst?
Annie, I told you to get Verizon 5G.
It is what we've been waiting for.
No, I actually have Verizon 5G, thank you,
but this is for my home internet.
I asked them to fix it, and they sent a person.
This is the first human
to step into my apartment in months.
I mean, what if they're not wearing a mask?
What if their mask is down here?
Oh... I can hear them breathing.
Hello? Anyone home?
Ooh...
Cable guy. Permission to breach?
- Yes, please. - Yes.
Are you drinking hand sanitizer?
Oh, no, I distilled it back to mead.
But you're using the same bottles?
Yeah, 'cause I'm not a monster, Ben.
- Save the Earth. - Whatever. I'm calling about Annie.
Oh, so you finally believe what I said
about her liking you?
Honestly, I don't even believe
that's not hand sanitizer.
But I gotta at least shoot my shot,
and this party is the perfect time to do it.
- I'll just pull her aside... - Problem.
It's a virtual party.
There is no "aside" or "pulling."
Solution. I asked Ellis to use the breakout room,
and she was covered in cobwebs,
but I'm pretty sure she said, "Yes."
She might've been swearing in Yiddish.
Either way, once I get Annie in there,
I'ma put on that Boyz II Men voice and say...
That I've been thinking about her lately.
That I wanna know how she's doing.
You know, maybe sliding some compliments like,
"Hey, Rufus.
I been meaning to say you look good in them glasses."
Not to diminish the power
of your Michael McCary impression,
because I did just feel something,
but a virtual party? Not a real party.
And Annie is not the kind of shallow
micro-influencer you're used to hitting on.
This is not what I need to hear!
I'm nervous! I need a plan! I mean...
What if I waited too long already?
Also, Paz was a mid-range influencer.
Have you considered writing her a letter
about your feelings?
Do I look like Zora Neale Hurston?
Every woman I have written a love letter to
has kissed me at least once.
In fact, I'm writing a letter to a woman right now.
22 pages. Double-sided.
This is what romance looks like, Ben.
Yeah, there's definitely
some sanitizer left in that bottle.
I am starting to taste it, yeah.
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --
- Zach! Hi! - What?
When you told me that you were decorating,
I thought, like, maybe one jack-o-lantern,
but this looks like Marilyn Manson's laundry room.
Excuse me, in this house, we are feminists,
and we make Jill-o-lanterns.
Oh, wait. Check this out.
Meet Zom-Bea-Arthur.
Okay, this all seems like a lot of actual work
for a virtual party.
I do love the COVID bats, though.
I'm my friend group's Halloween czar.
Every year, they come over, we coordinate costumes,
play games, sing karaoke when we drink too much,
and I will be queen of the damned
if I let a little pandemic mess with our tradition.
I even sent everyone decorations
so we all look like we're at the same party
for our group photo.
Ooh, you're basically a saint.
Basically Mother Trans -resa. What are you doing tonight?
Uh, probably just watching "Hocus Pocus"
while eating a whole bag of gummi bears by myself
'cause I'm a grown man, and I'm worth it.
What? But you love going out on Halloween.
Yeah, going out, where people aren't just
seeing me from the nips up.
I mean, I get that that's how it's gotta be,
- but I'm trans and I... - Wait, you're trans?
Surprise!
I care about my presentation.
And every day, I groom myself,
I put on my binder, I feel good!
And then I pop into a work chat with cis people in sweatpants
who basically rolled out of bed,
looked in the mirror and was like...
"This is fine."
Oh, come on, not all cis people are like that.
Mine have actually been really supportive
during this tough time. They get me.
And at least you're being seen. I mean, think about how I feel.
I put on hair and makeup to go deliver food
to people who cannot and should not
even open the door.
But tonight is different.
It's Halloween!
The most wonderful time
of the year!
And, like, the one time
since March that literally everyone
has a reason to dress up.
Tonight, no one is calling it in.
Well, actually, everyone's calling it in,
but you know what I'm saying.
I have been waiting for this night
for a year! And nothing!
Not even Zom-Bea-Arthur is gonna keep me
from living my nips-up vampire fantasy!
_
- Pradeep. - Annie!
I told you, I can't drink.
I'm too busy decorating for home quaran-treating
with the kids!
I need a drink right now.
Richie just asked me to prepare different characters
for when I "answer the door."
I should have never married a theater minor.
- Pradeep, it's the cable guy. - What?
Was he not wearing a mask? Was his nose uncovered?
No, he was hot and funny,
and he asked me out on a virtual date.
Did you just call me to brag?
No, I called you to panic! I said, "Yes"!
And I blanked on Ellis' Halloween party tonight!
Because cute boy wear mask good.
Well, why don't you just "Doubtfire" it?
Yeah, uh, pull up the date chat and the party chat
on the same computer and go between 'em.
It's easy.
You know, the software is built
for switching from meeting to meeting.
Oh, my God, you're right.
Wow...
this is, like, an actual benefit of quarantine.
Hey, and I will text you with updates
- so you don't miss anything important. - Amazing.
I need a second costume too. "Phantom of the Opera."
Lot of mask, not a lot of sexy.
Man, "Doubtfire"-ing is hard.
Yeah. He gets caught in the movie.
Wait, he does? Why am I doing this, then?
Okay, bye!
I have to go make my children's eyes magical!
Hello?
Yes! Sing, my angel of group chat!
I vant to suck your blood.
Wrong character, but I dig your enthusiasm.
- Good evening! - Rufus, where's your costume?
- I'm in costume. I'm modern -day Frankenstein.
Then where are your neck bolts?
Okay, Frankenstein was the doctor,
not the monster.
I even messed up my hair a little bit
to make it look more mad scientist-y.
I'm a lab right now!
- Hey, hey! - Hi!
What, no one's wearing costumes? Is everyone Rufus-ing?
I thought Rufus-ing was when your nose bleeds during sex.
- Okay. - I'm the Invisible Man.
Just at the beginning when he was visible.
Yeah, and I haven't shaved my legs in a while,
so I'm going as the Wolfman.
Yeah, I'm growing out my beard, so I'm...
- I'm Wolfman too. - Oh, my God.
From womb to tomb. Must you always copy me?
- Hi. - Oh, finally.
- Someone in an actual costume. - No.
This is just what happens when two sugar-high children
find your toilet paper stash
and wanna turn daddy into a mummy.
Well, at least toddlers understand
how Halloween works. Look, no one's in costume.
Fine, whatever.
We're here celebrating Halloween together,
and what better way to commemorate that
than with our annual group photo?
Sorry, sorry, before we do that,
I've been drinking hard seltzer all day.
I gotta hit the coffin.
You're the Phantom, not Dracula,
and go, you got two minutes. I'm timing you.
Come on, that at least deserved an "ooh."
Ooh...
Hi! Sorry I'm late.
Hey, hey, no, it's okay.
I only just started to think you were standing me up.
Oh, no, can you ever forgive me?
I don't know...
normally, I wouldn't, but for a sexy cat...
I promise I'm not normally
late for things...
well, okay, I am, but not important things.
Is this important?
Yes... is that weird?
No, no, I... I think it's important too.
So if it is, we can just be weird together.
You look great.
Thanks.
I know, sexy cat is what every girl wears
when she forgets to plan a costume
and remembers she has cat ears in her closet,
but it's my truth.
Well, not to blow my own spot,
but Han Solo is literally the male equivalent
of sexy cat, so...
- It is? - Yeah.
It's simple, you probably have it
in your closet, and come on,
everyone looks good in a vest, right?
I mean, just because you do...
_
Uh, Annie?
Annie, are you still there?
Sorry, my internet is being weird.
Really? It was great when I left.
Yes, right.
That is what you came here to fix.
It's actually... it's my laptop.
Let me reboot it and I'll be right back.
Ben, Garret, focus.
Every year, he rises from the pumpkin patch
he thinks is the most sincere.
- Al Roker. - Ed Sheeran.
- The Great Pumpkin! - Correct!
But that was way more than two minutes.
I had to reboot my computer.
I thought you said you had to go to the bathroom.
Yeah, that's what I call it.
Hooray! Point for us. Your turn.
Where's Pradeep?
"Visage ate too many sour candies
"and puked all over her Elsa wig.
I have to go help Richie clean up."
Says he likes the rainbow tint it gives the room, though.
Garret, can you please wake up your wife?
Are you watching something?!
Hmm?
Are you watching "Selling Sunset"?
- I need to catch up! - No, I need to catch up!
Are you sure? What episode are you on?
Have you gotten to Mary and Romain's wedding yet?
Mary and Romain actually get married?
Son of a...
How is that a spoiler?!
They're such a weird couple!
I figured something would go wrong.
Uh, okay, guys. Uh, BRB.
_
Um, one second.
What is happening?!
Well! That wig is ruined.
Also, I have a lot of questions about the food dyes
we're putting into our children's bodies.
Too bad.
Richie spent forever styling that thing.
Oh, did he?
Did Richie spend forever putting a look together
only to have it go to waste?
That is too bad.
Hey. What's up?
Oh, uh, nothing. I've just...
been thinking about you lately.
And wanted to see how you're doing.
Uh... I think my internet is still messed up.
You sounded insane.
Sorry. I was just saying...
I've been thinking about you lately,
and I wanted to see how you're doing.
Oh. I'm doing good. Thank you for asking.
Your hair looks great, by the way. I...
That pink really brings out your...
brown eyes.
Thanks. It's...
it's been pink a while.
Yeah, well, it...
Still looks good.
I'm sorry we haven't been talking much lately.
I feel like things have been crazy.
It's okay. You know, if you...
If you don't mind, I would... I would...
- Love to talk more often. - _
Definitely. Reboot.
What?
Yes. Talking.
- I love talking. - Great!
Sorry, I gotta go.
I'll see you back at the party, okay?
Great.
Guess I'll...
talk to you later, girl.
I do sound insane.
So I'm the only one who cares
about Halloween anymore or what?
- No! - This is fun.
Come on, you guys.
You're acting like it's J.lo's
Oscar nomination party in here.
- Ben, where's Annie at? - I honestly have no idea.
Michelle, Garret, y'all okay?
- Yeah. - Yeah, couldn't be better.
All right, I don't believe you,
but if we can all just stay in one place long enough
for Annie to get back so we can get that group photo,
that would be amazing.
All right, besties!
Time to get this party back on track!
Who is drunk enough for karaoke?
I know I am!
? Whaa... ?
"Paddington 2"?
Well, you asked for hidden gem movie recommendations!
People are sleeping on "Paddington 2."
Oh, no, I've seen it.
I mean, it's basically a perfect film.
Then why are you making fun of me?
Because it's an incredibly uncool movie
to bring up on a first date.
What, so you'd rather be with a guy
who brings up "Audition"
or "Memories of Murder" or whatever?
No, I wanna be with a guy that brings up
"Paddington 2," really.
_
I think I have something at the door.
Y-you think? But...
_
Please hold. I just... I... I gotta put...
I gotta pop out real quick.
I'll just, uh... I'll be... BRB. Yeah.
No. No, no, no. Mute, not merge!
Ah!
Mute, not merge!
Annie! You're ruining my Garth-mena!
And why are you a sexy cat?
Uh. hello?
Mute, not merge!
Who is this guy?
Annie, what... what... What's going on?
- Wait, you know him? - Oh, n-n-no!
This must be one of those video chat bombs I've heard about.
Interloper!
Okay, I'm just... I'm just gonna go.
No, wait, Cameron, don't.
I can explain to all of you.
My friends are having a virtual Halloween party tonight,
and when you asked me out, I didn't want to say, "No,"
so I've been switching back and forth.
You've been...
what?!
Yeah, I figured something was up
when it took you 25 minutes to reboot your computer.
Yeah, I was trying to switch back,
but I hit merge, not mute.
I'm sorry. I'm a bad liar.
No, that's... That's a good quality.
Guys, this is Cameron.
We're on a date tonight.
- At least, we were. - I'd say we still are.
So things are going well?
They're going interesting.
Uh, but yeah, I'm into it.
Into Annie.
I know it's a little quick to say something like that,
but I always feel that if you're into something,
you should go after it right away.
That's so sweet.
So Cameron, tell us about yourself.
Age and blood type. Go.
Sorry, they're a lot.
Uh, my name is Cameron.
Uh... my day job is cable guy,
but I also host a Clippers basketball podcast.
Really? What's it called?
"Slam Dunk with Cam Funk."
- Never heard of it. - What... Ben...
What are you talking about?
He's Cam Funk!
- We love your podcast! - Not ringing a bell.
I bought you a Cam Funk t-shirt for Christmas!
You said you wished it was a pillowcase!
Well, it is if you put a pillow in it.
Oh, you're that Cam Funk.
Hey, you know how you said the Clippers lost
in the playoffs because Kawhi and Paul George
did have enough time to gel?
Yeah, I... I think the pandemic
- just messed up their chemistry. - I agree, Cam Funk!
I think they could've been a great couple
who found lasting success if an outside force
hadn't came along and Cam Funk'd everything up!
Enough!
I have had enough!
Is this party ever gonna happen?
Because it seems like every time it starts,
something interrupts it.
A fight or a secret date or a child's sugar OD.
Have all of you lost the Halloween spirit?
There's no costumes, no participation,
and I was gonna let this go,
but how did not one of you put up the decorations I sent?!
I mean, I literally bought and mailed them to you!
And I know everyone's busy and stressed right now...
I'm busy and stressed right now...
But gourd-damn it, would it kill you
to put in a little effort?!
I thought you said what was important
was being together.
Yeah! Together.
Not checked out.
Not hopping in and out of the group chat
like Scooby-Doo in a hallway of doors!
No, no, no, no.
I can't even get you all together
in one place for a simple group photo,
which is now a moot point anyway
because Annie is a sexy cat,
and she brought along some rando
who looks like Ethan Hawke at the end of "Daybreakers"!
I'm Han Solo, actually. Sorry, I can leave.
No, Cam Funk. This is not your funky fault.
I love your podcast.
I've never been so hurt
and starstruck at the same time,
which is honestly very confusing for me,
but as for the rest of you!
I must have found Halloween's old tweets,
because this party is canceled!
Ugh!
I can't right now Bea.
Morning. Anyone else feel terrible about last night?
- Yep. - Uh, ya think?
- I feel like a jerk. - Real bad. Real bad, yeah.
I think Ellis is mad.
I texted her earlier; she left me on "sent."
She's not talking to me, either.
I know how much this party meant to her,
which should have made it mean more to us.
Well, what do we do?
You know, she's always there for us,
and last night, we were literally not there for her.
Hey!
- Hey, gorgeous! - You look great!
- You wear a hangover well. - Oh, shut up.
I know I look good. That's not the point.
I'm trying to show you guys what I look like
when I put as much effort into my appearance
as you all did last night so you can see how much effort
I actually put in all the time.
I know you guys aren't trans.
I know you don't think about what you look like
the same way I do,
but if I could do hair and makeup every day
to go on a video call or deliver food,
the least you could do is throw on a mask
or some face paint for our Halloween party.
Ellis, you don't have to do all that stuff for us.
You are beautiful no matter what!
Michelle, that is very nice, and very cis,
but I am not doing this for you.
I know I look good without a wig and mascara.
I've been rocking this look at protests all summer long.
But those are the things that actually
make me feel like myself.
I mean, that's the reason why Halloween
was always my favorite holiday growing up.
It's, like, one of the few nights
every year that Janice's boyfriend
could get away from his wife, and she'd be so happy
she didn't even notice what I was wearing.
I could be Jessica Rabbit
or Xena the Warrior Princess
or hell, Mrs. Potato Head, whatever woman I wanted to be.
And now that I actually am the woman I wanna be,
Halloween is special for a different reason.
'Cause it's a night I get to spend
with my chosen family.
Maybe it was just a party to you guys,
but this year, I really needed it.
It's November already!
Quarantine was supposed to be two weeks!
I am tired of putting my life on hold.
I just wanted one good memory from this year.
One Halloween group photo I could put up with the others
to remind myself that we didn't just let 2020
slip through our fingers.
I lost 26 years of my life being in the closet.
I'm not gonna lose another one.
Ellis, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have "Doubtfired" your party.
Annie, it's 2020.
We call it "Hannah Montana"-ing now.
Ah! That's my bad.
I keep forgetting.
I think we're all sorry, Ellis,
and I'm sorry to you too, Michelle.
I never should have watched "Selling Sunset" without you.
No, I shouldn't have watched "Selling Sunset" without you.
Can we just keep this about me? Please?
- Yes, absolutely. - Yes, 100%.
Ellis, how can we make it up to you?
Do you want to do virtual Friendsgiving?
What about the eight virtual nights of Hanukkah?
Yes and yes!
But I am not planning either
of those two things, you ingrates!
I will, however, plan our next year's Halloween costumes.
Do you think BTS will still be popular?
Or actually, more importantly, you think we'll still be alive?
- Yes and yes! - Well, remains to be seen.
- Maybe. - You know I'll be alive.
Not if you catch COVID.
Okay, Rufus.
Or should I say, "Dr. Frankenstein"?
No, no, no, I'm Rufus now.
Oh, really? I couldn't tell the difference.
That's exactly the point.
That's what "Frankenstein's" all about.
Who's the monster? Is it the reanimated man?
- Or the doctor who made him? - Are you calling for a reason?
Or are you just Rufus-ing?
Now, that is how you use Rufus-ing properly.
Thank you.
Uh, no, I... I've just been thinking about you lately,
and wanted to see how you're doing.
I'm fine.
Managed to get some space
from my complete and utter disappointment,
and as much as my feelings were hurt,
I know you guys didn't mean to do it.
We really didn't.
And in my defense, I never dress up.
- I... - No, I get it.
I went out and did my deliveries like this today,
and it is so freeing
to not care at all what you look like.
Okay, well, I do... I do... I care a little
about what I look like.
Well, I care a lot.
I just miss living in a world where that actually matters.
Okay, I'm not doing what Michelle did earlier
and saying that you look good no matter what,
but I am thinking it against my will.
Well.
Thank you.
You've done your cisgender good deed for the day.
Actually, now I have done
my cisgender good deed for the day.
Wha... oh, my God! Rufus!
It looks just like the Kardashian/Jenner
holiday photo! I love it!
I just thought it would be a tragedy
not to have photographic evidence
of how incredible and incredibly film-accurate
you looked in your "Dracula's Daughter" costume.
- Thank you! - I mean, wow!
Can you believe you are the first person
to actually compliment me on my costume?
I cannot. You looked amazing.
I worked so hard on it. Ugh!
Well, I know it's a day late, but...
Happy Halloween, Ellis.
Happy Halloween, Rufus.
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --