Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
_
The good news is... I always land on my feet.
Ugh, foot.
The age-old question...
How badly does the patient wanna survive?
Never give up.
Never surrender.
100...
99...
98...
97...
_
If I'm to tell the whole truth... and why not?
I got plenty of time...
I was born Richard Pinzetti in New York's Little Italy.
All I ever wanted was to be a surgeon.
_
My father, an old-world greaseball,
would laugh and tell me to get him another glass of wine.
He died when he was 46, and I was glad.
I always had luck on my side,
present circumstances notwithstanding,
but I'm not really worried about that.
As I said, I always land on my feet.
Anyway, a poor kid from the projects
getting to college was no easy task,
so I did what any other able-bodied kid would do.
I played sports.
But let's not forget,
being a surgeon was all I ever wanted,
so I figured a scholarship would get me in the door,
and the world would be my oyster.
And you know what?
I was good at it.
So I became quarterback, but let's face it.
A doctor's hands are his life,
so I'd wrap them before every game.
Then I'd soak them after.
A lot of my teammates would rag on me,
call me chicken shit,
mostly this big zit-faced asshole named Howie Plotzsky.
But living on the streets, making connections,
getting to know people, you know,
any asshole knows how to die.
The thing to learn is how to survive.
So I slipped Ricky Buzelli 10 bucks
to make Howie's mouth disappear.
Ricky obliged and brought me three of his teeth
wrapped in a bloody paper towel.
Can you imagine the damage
I could have done to my hands busting his face?
In med school, while the other suckers
were running themselves ragged trying to bone up,
between waiting tables and buffing floors,
I kept the rackets going...
Football pools, baseball pools.
I stayed tight with the old neighborhood
and made it through school just fine.
I didn't get into pushing
until I was doing my residency.
I was working in one of the biggest hospitals
in New York City.
At first, it was prescription blanks.
I'd sell a tablet of 100
to some guys from the neighborhood
along with writing samples of 40 or 50 doctors.
Then they'd turn around and sell them for 20 apiece.
Speed freaks and nodders, they loved it.
Speaking of which,
I finally woke up shortly after dark.
Wait, have I mentioned
I haven't had anything to eat in four days?
Day fucking three... Haven't seen another soul.
A bunch of stuff washed up over the last few days,
and I've taken what I can, between that and the shit
that I got off the useless lifeboat,
but it could be worse.
At least I'm here, and I'm not her,
poor whoever she was.
Then this gull landed on one of the rocks on the island.
It just stood there looking at me
with its fucking black eyes.
Aaah!
The sound actually gave me great satisfaction.
I carried it back to my camp,
and before I even plucked a feather,
I dumped iodine all over the laceration.
The last thing I need now is an infection.
No driftwood or vegetation for a fire,
so I guess it's seagull tartare.
100, 99...
98, 97...
January 29th, day four.
The only reason to keep Gloria here...
That's what I call her...
Is that she attracts the gulls.
But I don't know how much more I can handle.
Jesus, the stench...
her body baking in the sun.
Found a few things in the suitcase I could use.
Not much else to do,
so I'm gonna keep writing my life's story.
At least it keeps my mind off my stomach.
Well, sort of.
I had enough socked away from my adventures
as an intern and resident that I could've set myself up
in a practice on Park Avenue.
Then Lowenthal gets pinched,
fucking sheep.
They wave five years in front of his face,
and he coughs up half a dozen names,
mine right at the top of the list.
There were a few other deals, including prescription blanks,
which I didn't entirely give up.
It's funny; I didn't really need that stuff anymore,
but it's hard to give up the extra sugar, you know?
So what did I do? Threw a couple people to the wolves.
Nobody I liked, though.
Everyone I gave to the feds was a real son of a bitch.
Killed another gull today,
same way I killed the first.
I was beginning to get scared there for a while.
It is strange how you can feel the vitality surge back
when there's something in your stomach.
263...
264...
265.
No place like home.
Oh, and did I tell you
I had about $350,000 worth of heroin?
New York street value.
You know what it's worth here? El zilcho.
Yeah, sort of funny if you think about it.
I wanted my shingle back, and it was gonna cost me big.
I had some money stashed away,
but I decided I'd take a chance,
try and double or triple it.
That's when I went to see Ronnie Hanelli.
Ronnie and I played football together.
When his kid brother decided on internal medicine,
I helped him get his residency.
Anything for someone from the block.
He went from neighborhood enforcer to law school,
set up a shop above the Fish Bowl.
I knew Ronnie would have something for me.
"It's dangerous," he said,
"But you always could take care of yourself."
Hey!
I'm here!
I flew to Thailand as a tourist.
My Chinese friend had the merchandise,
and I took it to a guy named Ngo
who pronounced it to be very high-grade stuff.
After three weeks, I booked passage to San Francisco
on the cruise ship Monrovia,
first-class cabin all the way.
This guy, Ngo, arranged for two customs officials
to wave me through, so getting on the ship was no problem,
and Ronnie Hanelli had arranged for a boat
to pick up the bag that I tossed over the side
just before we docked, so I was looking for a cook
or a steward who could use a little cash,
keep his mouth shut.
Then the ship sank.
Aaah!
Well, fuck me.
Okay.
Honey, I'm done.
No, no, don't get up.
- _ - From where I sit, I can plainly see the letters,
every single one of them.
Could have used your help.
Took me damn near all day to spell it,
but another plane ain't gonna miss me...
I mean, us.
If there is another plane.
You know, darling, my foot has been throbbing constantly,
and the swelling and discoloration
is getting more and more advanced.
I think we may have to amputate.
Shit.
All I can think about is what Mockridge used to say
in basic anatomy.
"Sooner or later," he'd say, "The question comes up
"in every medical student's career...
How much shock trauma can the patient stand?"
And he'd whack his pointer
on the chart of the human body,
hitting the liver, the kidneys, spleen, the heart.
Cut to its base level, students,
the answer is always another question.
How badly does the patient want to survive?
So I have decided to amputate my foot.
The good thing is, I have matches, a needle,
thread from the sewing kit, and 2 kilos of painkiller,
although hardly the type I'd prescribe.
It's been four days of no food,
and if I wait any longer,
I run a greater risk of fainting
from a combination of shock and hunger
in the middle of the operation.
Then I would bleed to death.
This may be my last entry.
But I think I'm gonna make it.
But don't I always?
And they really are doing marvelous things
with artificial limbs these days.
I can get along with one foot quite nicely.
Okay, time to see if I'm as good a doctor as I think I am.
I'm close to digging the stitches out with my fingers,
letting the blood flow into the sand.
Anything to be rid of this maddening itch.
So I count backwards from 100 and snort the heroin.
I have no idea how much I've snorted,
but I've pretty much been stoned since the operation.
It depresses hunger, you know?
Weird.
I'm hardly aware of being hungry at all,
like this distant gnawing.
I could easily ignore it,
but I can't.
Gotta eat.
Huh? No.
No! No!
Help!
Hey.
Lobster, mmm, garlic bread...
Oh, mother's lasagna,
prime rib, peach melba,
onion rings.
Hey.
Richard.
You need to eat.
I'm right here.
Let's face it.
I might be better than nothing.
What are your alternatives?
It's fourth quarter, down by three, third and long.
Pinzetti goes back to pass.
I was convinced it was gonna fly off, but it didn't.
The pain from my stump was excruciating,
but this asshole bird strutting back and forth
with its meaty breast thrown out
like some avian general reviewing his troops,
my insides tightened with hunger.
100,
99, 98...
98...
I couldn't afford to miss, couldn't commit
'cause I couldn't afford to fuck this up
because if I did, I knew exactly what that meant.
Gloria.
It's the race of the cripples.
No, no! Don't you fucking dare!
Would have gotten there faster,
but my hands...
must protect the hands.
I may need them again.
Gloria.
The storm washed her away.
I've... I've amputated the other foot.
Strange...
All through the operation,
I was drooling.
Just like when I saw the gull,
drooling helplessly...
like an idiot.
I'm out of food, and I have no choice.
It tastes like cold roast beef...
cold roast beef...
Oh, look at that.
I'm beginning to feel half-human again.
Half-human,
or maybe a quarter-human,
or an eighth.
Ugh!
- _ - It's day 18.
I noticed the storm washed away my "help" sign,
along with what was left of Gloria.
That was three days ago, I think.
Have I been that stoned?
I need to watch it, cut down my dosage.
What if a ship would have gone by while I was tripping?
Need... Need to protect the hands, no matter what.
Took off my right leg at the knee.
Lost a lot of blood.
The pain was excruciating in spite of the heroin.
Shock trauma would have killed a lesser man.
How badly does the patient wanna survive?
Let me answer with a question.
How badly does the patient wanna live?
"Doctor, was the operation necessary?"
I dreamt about Phil Hammersmith's barbecue pit,
sitting on his porch at dusk with drinks in our hands
talking about surgical procedures
or golf or something.
The breeze picks up the sweet smell of roasting pork.
Sweet Jesus...
The smell of roasting pork...
Took the other leg last night.
I couldn't stop my hands from shaking.
So much blood under my fingernails.
I remember the anatomical models from med school,
but I can't even look down...
No. No way, no...
No how.
But I get it.
I know... I know what I need to do.
What they're doing with artificial limbs these days,
I could be good as new.
I could come back to this place and tell everyone
that this... that this is where it happened.
Don't dare,
but no choice.
How do I tie off the femoral artery?
It's as big as a highway up there.
I just wish I could stop drooling.
There's nothing left of my face
but a skin-covered skull.
I must be insane by now.
I'm a monster.
Nothing left below the groin,
just a freak,
a head attached to a torso
dragging itself along the sand by its elbows.
A crab, a stoned crab.
They say you are what you eat, right?
So I haven't changed much.
Been seeing my father.
When he was drunk, he lost all of his English,
not that he had anything to say, dipstick.
I was so glad to get out of your house,
you fucking piece of shit, know-nothing loser.
I made it.
I walked away from you!
Left hand washes the right.
Don't let the left hand know
what the right one is doing.
One potato, two potato.
Who cares?
This hand, that hand,
good food, good meat.
Let's eat.
Ladyfingers...
They taste just like ladyfingers.
Ladyfingers...
Fingers...
Fingers.
_
I'm only trying this because I'm so bored,
I wish I was dead.
Hi, Twitter.
Wanna know what I'm doing?
Oh, how to say this in 280 characters or less?
Screaming inside.
Oh, my, didn't that sound melodramatic?
Let's try this again.
Hello, Twitterverse.
I am Blake, and Blake is me.
What am I doing? Counting seconds.
Only about, uh, 50,000 more until we finish
what is hopefully the last family trip of my life.
_
- _ - It's been all downhill since we got to Colorado,
and I don't mean on my snowboard.
We were supposed to spend the break boarding and skiing,
but it's too cold and won't stop snowing,
so we had to go to plan B.
What's plan B? Oh, I'm so glad you asked.
Plan B is Mom and I face off in a contest
to see who can make the other cry hot tears of rage first.
She is the bitch queen of Bitchtopia.
Our van is looking like the setting
for a cage match duel to the death,
all of us jammed in together for three days.
- _ - Who will emerge alive?
Place your bets, ladies and germs.
Personally, I predict no survivors.
You know what bitchy thing she said to me
a couple hours ago?
She said the reason that I hate Colorado
is because I can't blog about it.
She's always saying social media is more real
for me and my friends than the world.
For us, nothing really happens until someone posts about it.
She says the internet is life validation.
Validating what?
I told her I only have, like, 40 followers on here,
so the only thing it's validating
is that I'm a total loser.
Then she says people do social media
because they're scared to die.
Ooh, so deep.
She said no one ever blogs about their own death.
No one's status ever says, "dead."
People go online to hide from death
and wind up hiding from life... Crap like that.
She ought to write fortune cookies for a living.
I told Mom, no, the reason I hate Colorado
is 'cause I'm stuck with her, and it's all way too real.
? Coming down the mountain in the snow?
? We'll be coming down the mountain in the snow?
One more hairpin turn, and my stomach's gonna blow.
Seriously, my contribution to this glorious family moment
will be when I barf on Eric's head.
If we wind up in a snow bank and have a Donner party,
I know whose ass they'll be chewing on first... mine.
Of course, my survival skills would amount
to Twittering madly for someone to rescue us.
Mom would make a slingshot out of rubber from the tires,
kill squirrels with it, make a fur bikini out of them,
and be super sad when we were rescued.
Dad would go out of his mind
because we'd have to burn his books to stay warm.
Eric would put on a pair of my leggings...
Not to stay warm,
just 'cause my little brother wants to wear my leggings.
I wrote that last bit
'cause Eric was looking over my shoulder.
The sick bastard said wearing my leggings is the closest
he'll probably come to getting laid in high school.
Mom taught him to knit while we were snowed in here
in happy Colorado,
and he knitted himself a cock sock.
He's completely gross, but I love him.
It's snowing in the mountains, but not down here.
Goodbye, beautiful mountains.
Hello, not-so-beautiful Utah desert.
Now Eric is trying on my leggings.
He's so bored.
Mom thinks it's funny, but Dad is stressing.
I dared Eric to wear a skirt in the diner
when we stop for food,
and I promised him that if he does it,
I'll invite a certain hot goth girl chick
to the pool party in April
so he can see her in her tacky bikini,
even though I don't like her.
There's no way he'll do it.
Oh, my God, he's doing it.
Oh, my gosh, Mom can't stop laughing.
Eric saves the day!
Although now I have to invite
that goth girl to the pool party.
But she probably won't come.
I think sunlight burns her.
I was actually glad to be with these people right now,
and for, like, three seconds, I liked Mom,
but then she had to go and ruin everything.
I seriously barely glanced at my phone,
and I guess, like, the waitress
was standing there or whatever,
waiting for my order, and I didn't notice,
and Mom had to trot out her stories
about being a waitress herself
and how demeaning it was not to be acknowledged,
just to rub it in.
And she can be, like, completely right,
and I can still hate how she makes me feel like shit
every chance she gets.
Don't tell her I said she was completely right.
Smug bitch.
Now Mom's berating Dad because some detour
he accidentally took added 100 miles to our trip.
Eric, I am psychically willing you
to find some reason to get off the road.
Put the leggings back on.
Say you have to pee, anything, please.
No, no, no, Eric, no!
When I was sending you psychic signals,
this is not what I meant.
Even Mom doesn't wanna stop.
Write it down, kids.
First time in two years we've agreed on anything.
Ugh, Dad is being a prick now,
says, "Well, I could use a break
from being in the car with you jackasses."
Thanks, Dad.
Love you, too.
Yeah, this looks super popular.
#Sarcasm.
Circus of the Dead?
More like Circus of the Lame.
The ticket guy looks really sick...
Not funny sick. Sick-sick.
- How you doing? - He smells, too.
Mom says to be sure to keep doing
whatever you're doing on your phone.
She wouldn't want me to look up and,
I don't know, see something happening.
The only thing that's gonna happen here
is one of us is gonna get the plague.
Mom just told Dad that I'll love the circus
'cause it'll be just like the Internet.
YouTube is full of clowns, she says.
Facebook is full of fire-breathers,
and blogs are for people who can't live
without a spotlight on them.
I'm gonna tweet, like, five times a minute
and make her insane.
Come on. Don't... There we go.
The usher is a weird old guy.
Dad says he looks like Mickey Rooney,
whoever that is.
Uh, he has on a hazmat suit.
He says it's so he won't get bitten.
It is dark as hell in here.
I almost fell twice getting to our seats.
Ugh, this circus reeks.
I don't know what I'm smelling.
Are those the animals?
Call PETA and the fire marshal.
It's totally claustrophobic.
We're so squished in,
I don't think we could leave if we wanted to.
Oh, wait, they just flipped on the spotlight.
Showtime.
Beating heart, restrain yourself.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Circus of the Dead!
Well, that got Eric and Dad's attention.
Did I mention there are zombies in clown outfits,
chasing her around?
Whoa, they almost grabbed her.
Ooh, she's quick.
She says she's been a prisoner of the circus
for six weeks and survived
because she learned the stilts fast.
Says her boyfriend couldn't figure them out, fell down,
and then he was eaten on the first night.
This is not a joke!
She walked right up to the wall under us
and begged someone to pull her over and rescue her,
but the guy in the front row just laughed.
Eric is yelling that he'll save her.
- I'll save you! - He just stood up
and is flexing.
I hope he doesn't get a cramp in his one ab.
Mom says she can't take us anywhere.
Uh, promise?
Because I would like to be nowhere with these people
for the rest of ever.
The skank mistress had to run away in a hurry
before Zippo the Zombie knocked her off her stilts.
It's actually all very well-choreographed.
You can totally believe they're trying to get her.
Here at the Circus of the Dead,
we always begin things with a bang.
Eric says he has fantasies about a certain goth girl
putting him in a rig like that.
Ugh! #Ew.
This show would actually be a great date
for the two of them.
It's got a hint of sex,
a whiff of bondage,
and it's really, really morbid.
Hmm, they just put a zombie in the cannon.
Yuck!
They pointed the cannon at the crowd and fired it,
and fucking zombie parts went everywhere.
The guy in the row in front of us
got smashed in the mouth with a flying shoe.
He's bleeding and everything.
Hello, lawsuit.
Fucking yuck.
There's still a foot inside the shoe.
It's totally realistic-looking.
The guy sitting in front of us
just walked off with his wife to complain,
same dude who laughed at the ringmistress
when she asked for help.
Part of me wants to leave,
but the rest of me is watching this unfold
like a car wreck I can't unsee.
Ugh, Dad had a zombie lip in his hair!
I'm so glad I didn't eat lunch.
It looks like a gummy worm, and it smells like ass.
Naturally, Eric wants to keep it.
Yay, a lion!
This next act is the cat's meow.
Aww, I am still girl enough to like a big cat.
Oh, that's a really sad-looking lion.
Not fun.
They're opening the cage and sending in zombies,
and he's hissing like a housecat.
Damn! Lion power, whoo!
Ew, not so much cheering now.
He's got one, and he's tugging out its guts
like he's pulling on the end of a tug-of-war rope.
They're sending in more zombies.
Oh, gross!
The zombies are passing around organ meat and hunks of fur.
It's awful! Oh, I feel sick.
Dad saw I was getting upset and told me how they did it.
The cage has a false bottom,
and they pulled the real lion out through the floor.
Oh, you really get swept up in this thing.
And now, who is brave enough to join me?
Now the ringmistress is back out
asking for a volunteer.
Uh, hard pass.
That person is definitely contracting herpes.
Mm, where'd Eric go?
Probably went to barf after that lion act.
WTF?
The fire swallower just came out.
One of the men in a hazmat suit...
Fuck me! They just stuck a torch down his throat,
and now he's burning!
He's running around with, like,
smoke coming out of his mouth
and fire coming out of his eyes
like a jack-o-lant... Oh!
They just let him burn to death from the inside out!
That's the realest thing I've ever seen.
What's even realer is the corpse
after the hazmat guys
sprayed it down with a fire extinguisher.
It looks so sad and shriveled.
Oh, ringmistress is back.
She's really weaving around.
I think something's wrong with her ankle.
She says someone from the audience has agreed
to be tonight's sacrifice.
She said he will be the lucky one.
Oh, no! He did not!
They just wheeled Eric out cuffed to a big wooden wheel.
Did he just wink at us?
Oh, psycho.
Go, Eric! Whoo!
They hauled out a zombie
and chained him to a stake in the dirt,
and there's a box in front of him full of hatchets.
I don't like where this is going.
Someone screamed like they got it in the head.
Obvious plant.
Everyone's laughing now.
The lion scene was a little grim,
but we're back to funny again.
Eric is spinning around and around on the wheel.
I think he's gonna yak.
Ooh, I am not as brave as Eric.
Dad says it's a trick. He's fine.
Says he'll probably come out later as a zombie.
All a part of the show.
Oh, yep. Looks like Dad's right.
They've promised that he'll reemerge shortly.
Ugh, Mom is wigging.
She wants Dad to go check on Eric.
She's starting to go nuts... So embarrassing.
Says that guy who got hit by the shoe never came back,
and I don't really see what that has to do with Eric,
and besides, if I got hit by a flying shoe,
I wouldn't come back either.
Mom bullied Dad into checking on Eric.
Sanity restored.
This is why Eric volunteered.
With the fishnets and all, she's very goth-hot.
- This is it, folks. - She's being weird.
If I go off-script, they don't let me...
She says if she goes off-script,
they don't let her out of the ring.
- Who cares? - But she doesn't care.
- I twisted my ankle earlier. - She twisted her ankle
and knows tonight is her last night.
Tonight is my final show.
- Says her name is... - Gail Ross.
And she went to high school in Plano,
was going to marry her boyfriend after college,
says his name was Craig,
and he wanted to teach.
Nice backstory.
I'm impressed with the attention to detail.
Now she's saying that she's sorry for all of us.
She says that they take our cars and dispose of them
while we're in the tent and that, like, every year,
12,000 people vanish on the road with no explanation.
Their cars turn up empty or not at all.
No one will miss us.
Creepy.
Oh, here's Eric!
His zombie makeup is really good.
Most of the zombies are black and rotted,
but he looks like a fresh kill.
Still got the hatchet in the neck.
And that looks totally fake.
I just said he's not very good at being a zombie,
and Mom told me to be supportive.
Seriously?
He isn't even trying to walk slow.
Oh, shit, I hope that's part of the show.
He just knocked her down.
Eric, Eric, Eric! She hit the dirt really, really hard.
Oh, no. You fucking...
They're eating her like they ate the lion.
Eric is playing with her guts?
He's going totally method.
Fucking gross.
And to the 80 new followers
I've gotten tonight, you're fucking gross, too.
You guys will be disappointed tomorrow
when I go back to tweeting about my breakfast.
#Boring.
Zombie cheerleaders?
They're making a human pyramid,
or maybe I should say an inhuman pyramid.
They're surprisingly good at it for zombies.
Go, team!
I wonder if they have a zombie spirit stick.
Be aggressive. Zom-bie aggressive!
Eric is climbing the pyramid like he knows what he's doing.
He's up high enough to grab the wall around the ring.
He's snarling at someone in the front row.
I didn't know he was such a good actor.
I wonder if they gave him, like, backstage training...
This is really dangerous.
It's so dark,
and lots of people are screaming and running around!
I can't say anything, or they'll hear.
We're being very, very quiet.
We're off I-70.
Mom says exit 31, Utah.
Never mind. Mom says we're in Arizona.
Gosh, she's always correcting me.
Damn it, Mom!
_
The crowd... Oh, God, that smell.
They were all dead.
The people in the stands were all dead
except for us and a few others.
The corpses were roped together
to the seats, like rotting mannequins,
and we couldn't tell because it was so dark.
It's quiet now,
less screaming and growling.
They're dragging people into piles and eating them.
The man who got hit by the shoe earlier walked by,
but he's a zombie now.
Just Mom and me now.
I love my mom. She's so brave.
I love her so much, so much.
I never meant any of the bad things, not one.
I'm so scared.
They're searching to see if anyone is left.
We're here waiting for help.
Please forward this to everyone on Twitter.
This is true, not an Internet prank.
Oh, God...
It was Dad.
He went by,
and Mom sat up and said his name,
and... and oh, God, not Dad!
Mom? Mommy?
Mommy!
_
Aaah!
_
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com