_
Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes!
No!
All the other thermometers were sold out,
so I bought this meat thermometer.
You think it'll work in my mouth
or I gotta stab it in my thigh like a chicken?
How much stuff did you buy?
I bulk bought CBD gummies, Lisa Frank coloring books,
YA novels of dystopian teen romance.
- Annie! - Don't judge me.
Didn't you just buy a rack of Tory Burch caftans
and super expensive yoga wear?
Yes, and then I returned them all.
What? Why?
Because we don't know how long this thing will last.
There are rumors in my law firm is doing cutbacks
and I don't know what that's gonna mean for my bonus.
So we've got to be smart with money right now.
Well, at least you've got money to be smart with.
Speaking of...
Did you hear about Rufus's latest get-rich-quick scheme?
Artisanal hand sanitizer!
- This is your big emergency? - Yes.
You are in grave danger
of not cashing in on this pandemic.
No, I said no more schemes.
Just listen, just listen, just listen.
Do you remember a couple midsummers ago
I got my own home-brew equipment so that I could make mead?
Yeah. You know what I don't remember?
- That whole month of August. - I figured out I could distill
my remaining supply to pure alcohol,
combine it with black market aloe Vera,
and then re-brand it
for a desperate, virus-fearing populace.
Now, get over here, hop in my guest Hazmat suit,
and let's get ahead of the new economy.
Oh, look, another call.
- Now I don't have to fake one. - Coward.
My life is over.
Pradeep, it's a pandemic. Everyone's life is over.
No, no, no. Thanks to you,
Richie still insists on raising our children vegan.
- You're still welcome. - And now my children won't eat
anything but Woody Harrelson-branded
vegan mac and cheese or...
Woody Harrelson's vegan chicken fingers.
I'm Visage's godfather,
and I take pride in knowing her bougie vegan food preferences.
There is no Woody's Mac and Cheese
left anywhere in Los Angeles.
- Just order some online. - I did.
And this is what I got.
A box of loose, broken spaghetti
and a bag of either Tang and ranch dressing mix
or expired cocaine.
Why don't you let me move in with you guys for a while,
you know, help out?
Oh, Ben.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you serious?
Yes, I'm serious. You're overwhelmed, I'm lonely.
What are you scared of,
that your kids are gonna like me more?
'cause it's too late for that.
Let me talk to Richie.
He was a big germophobe even before the pandemic,
so it might be a hard sell, but... it could be perfect.
Oh. Oh, oh, oh. I-I'll talk to you soon.
We'll talk about it later. Bye-bye-bye.
- Hey, what's up? - Emergency meeting.
Round up the Gossip Girls.
Quickly, before group drinks.
Is this a real emergency or a Rufus emergency?
- Ben wants to move in with me. - Oh!
Relax. I haven't said yes yet.
No, I thought these were gonna be
the ironic Third Eye Blind T-shirts I ordered.
What are they? Hootie & The Blowfish?
No, they're a gun.
Someone mailed me a gun.
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --
Ben wants to move in with me and Richie.
- Didn't see that coming. - Ooh, plot twist.
- As a Manny. - A Manny?
Like, to help out with the kids,
like my own Mrs. Doubtfire.
Well, sure, he just broke up with Paz,
and clearly my brother can't be alone, so...
Also, we don't talk about Mrs. Doubtfire, Pradeep.
Hello! No?
- No. - Pradeep.
Do you really think Ben is going to be helpful?
He draws cartoons for a living.
He eats sugar cereal, and he's still afraid of thunderstorms.
It will be like having a third child.
Good, good, good. He can play with mine.
Annie, you have to commit now.
Are you going to ask Ben to move in with you or not?
- I'm working on it. - Well, work faster.
I am this close to converting the basement
- into a guest bedroom. - Hey, love? It's here.
You guys, I gotta go.
Annie, talk to Ben before Pradeep steals him.
Hey, babe, the kids are starving.
No, no, no, no, no.
My mother's family was starving
when they were partitioned out of Pakistan.
These kids are picky. You raised picky kids.
Annie, make a move on Ben or I will.
I'll be back for the group hang in a few.
You said you were gonna ask him a month ago.
Why haven't you made a move?
One, I'm not sure that he's over Paz.
And two, because although I'm a pragmatist and a feminist,
I want him to make the first move,
which is why I've devised an elaborate plan.
After the group chat tonight,
we're supposed to be streaming a movie together.
Just the two of us.
And I've chosen...
"When Harry Met Sally."
That's it? That's your whole plan?
You might as well not do anything at all,
because that's literally the same thing as that.
It's a movie about how men and women can't be friends
'cause of sexual tension and attraction.
Yeah, no, I've seen it.
My Hebrew school made us
watch the collected works of Nora Ephron.
It'll start the conversation.
I'll steer it in the right direction,
and then boom, first move, Ben.
But is it really the first move
if you have to trick him into making it?
- Trick who into making what? - Ben!
Annie wants Garret to make her some sushi
but she wants him to make the first move.
Hey, Ben. Are we still watching...
Salutations. You remember when you all met my dad?
- Oh, sorry, you go. - Oh, no, you go.
No, I'm gonna go.
To the first month of quarantine
and hopefully not many more.
Amen to that.
Hey, what's that big blinking thing you got back there?
Ooh, I've been making Japanese food and I bought
the most sophisticated rice cooker on the market.
- Yeah, without consulting me. - It was a surprise!
It can bake a cake and order its own rice.
It's like a little human and I love it.
Thank you, Garret.
That thing's a waste of money.
My guy says all rice is gone mid-June.
- Hello. - Hey.
- What's wrong? - Oh, hey. You look a mess.
My children are monsters.
They refuse all Woody's Vegan Mac and Cheese substitutes.
You guys know Richie spent all day
making Bon Eatery's version from scratch.
It came out gorgeous.
Ross threw it at me, Visage vomited it in the pan,
and then Richie went to go do damage control.
And now all three of them are crying in the other room.
I actually think you might have some in your hair.
Macaroni or vomit? Macaroni or vomit?
All I need is 20 minutes of peace and quiet,
so guys, don't judge me,
but I ordered vegan chicken fingers on a delivery app.
Driver's almost here.
I'm telling you, those kids just need a little bit of Ben-Time.
I'm like a human vegan chicken finger.
I am discussing it with Richie in the morning.
So if anyone has a problem with it,
they should discuss it tonight.
But enough about my needs,
what are you guys discussing, Annie?
Garret was just showing us his new rice cooker, Pradeep.
Would you like me to make some rice?
I need to buy some stuff. Get me some hobbies, something.
I mean, I almost adopted a dog,
and I'm deathly allergic to dogs.
I just hate being alone.
But you don't regret breaking up with Paz, right?
Right. Paz was whack.
- So whack. - So whack.
- Mm-hmm. - So whack.
I knew you guys didn't like her.
The first time she saw me in a bathing suit,
she called me brave.
Paz called Michelle "Raquel."
You had been dating her for a year and a half.
And she still thought my name was Raquel.
She wouldn't let us watch "A League of Their Own"
because she said brunette Madonna made her sad.
Maybe that's what we should watch.
- I still haven't seen it. - Actually, I was thinking
that maybe we should watch...
We saw "Invisible Man."
- Oh, it was so good. - How was it?
- So scary. - _
You know, you had to pay a little bit extra
because it was basically a theatrical release,
but it was so worth it.
- That's not what I planned. - Yes, that is what we should watch.
- Right, right. Or we could watch... - _
Okay, okay, now the delivery driver can't find my house.
What is her deal?
You're driving the wrong way. Driving the wrong way!
- Um... - Damn, Annie, you're blowing up.
Oh, yeah, nothing. It's just work stuff.
Wait, what happened to Ben?
Oh, I'm the meeting host and I kicked him out
so Annie would stop ignoring us.
He's single. My brother is not going to be single for long.
Is it too much to want him to make a move, any move?
I mean, if he was interested,
why hasn't he said anything to any of us?
Actually, he may have said something to me,
but I often tune him out.
Annie, I don't think you understand
how insane it is over here.
My children found their harmonicas this morning.
If you don't ask Ben, I...
Pradeep, you already have a husband.
You don't get to turn Ben into Richie's sister wife
while I'm still single.
I can't rush this. He just broke up with Paz.
I don't wanna be a rebound
or just some warm body because he's lonely.
Plus, you guys are my L.A. family.
If things go bad, it could wreck it for all of us.
And I don't wanna mess this up... down, left, right.
Then you press A, B, then start, and then you can...
What happened? It said the host kicked me out.
My hand slipped.
What were you guys talking about?
- Our crumbling democracy. - How long was I gone?
You guys, the food is here!
Coming! I'm saved.
America is imploding, all right?
We got not enough food on the shelves,
not enough beds in the hospitals.
The vegan chicken finger supply chain is broken.
What falls apart next?
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?
- This is wrong. This is all wrong! - Ooh.
I waited for two
mother I-do-not-curse-in-front- of-my-children-king hours
while you failed to find my address
with the aid of a public satellite system
and several multinational corporations.
And you got the
not-in-front-of-my-children- sucking order wrong?
Get your I-do-not- use-that-language
out of my house before I shove these Prada shoes up it.
Go!
Pradeep, it seems, is what falls apart next.
Come on!
Apparently, the restaurant
was out of vegan chicken fingers,
so they substituted fried pickles.
Pradeep, the driver can't control that.
All I know is that it is almost my kids' bedtime,
and I'm back to square one.
If I was there we'd play a round of Ben-Ball,
tire them right out. They love Ben-Ball.
The kids do love Ben-Ball.
And if no one else wants to play Ben-Ball, then...
What if Ben and your kids get mutually codependent?
I heard that can happen
when friends move in with other friends' families.
I choose my sanity
over their co-dependence any day of the week.
Pradeep, just take a deep breath and start a new order.
I have to give the driver a review
before I can start a new one.
I think we all know what that's gonna be.
Wait, stop. What are you doing?
I'm giving the driver a one star review, duh.
- No, you can't. - That's too far, bro.
She was two hours late
delivering four pounds of cold fried pickles.
I am delivering her one star, and I'm doing it punctually.
Unlike other people.
If your rating goes beneath four on those services,
you stop getting work. The economy's crumbling.
We have to be looking out for each other.
Pradeep, I understand having kids right now it's hard,
but you can't cost someone their job because you're tired.
Tired? Tired?
Maybe you should move in so you can see what it's like.
Whoa, everyone, stop.
Look, we're all super stressed, okay?
Michelle's worried about money. Ben is lonely.
I...
...have my issues also.
This quarantine is lasting longer than we expected,
and we're all fraying at the seams a little.
Pradeep, is it possible
that this is about more than just pickles?
Do you wanna talk?
No, I want to sleep.
I wanna order food quickly so my children
don't low-blood-sugar tantrum till 3:00 in the morning.
I am giving her one star.
How does it take someone two hours to drive nine blocks?
Well, that's the thing, isn't it, Pradeep?
You don't know because you're not out there facing the danger
and the chaos of everything going on right now.
You're just letting other people do it for you.
So when it doesn't go perfectly,
you don't get to complain.
Just like you don't get to complain about
Richie's parenting, because honestly,
you've just been letting him do that too.
- Whoa. - Are you serious?
You're telling me about how to raise children?
It's, like, no wonder you want Ben to move in.
You haven't had to do any parenting in four years.
Ellis, I think that's a little too far.
Why do you care if I give this person one star?
Because I lost my job.
- What? - Oh, no.
The place I was managing went under and it's not coming back.
And I've been delivering food for two weeks,
and if I got a one star review, I couldn't even do that.
Well, I'm sorry, I didn't know that.
But...
I just paid 100% surge premium delivery
on overpriced food that wasn't even delivered.
I paid $90, plus tip, to try and get
20 minutes of peace and quiet.
And when that didn't even work,
I can't even say that this person did a bad job?
My clients keep telling me
that they don't need work right now.
So I'm being constantly reminded of how stupid I was
to start a PR business and buy this house.
And I can't afford $90 for fried pickles I don't want.
You're right, Ellis.
I haven't been doing my fair share of the parenting,
and starting to carry that weight
in the middle of a pandemic and an economic downturn
has just been rough.
And things with Richie are tense too.
So I thought if I could just solve this one thing
and then all the other things would fall into line,
but I couldn't.
I don't know how to do this.
I gave her five stars.
So it was about more than just the pickles then, huh?
I didn't know things were that bad over there, Pradeep.
Yeah, neither did I until I said it out loud.
Seriously, would it help if I moved in with you guys,
help take a little pressure off?
Maybe Ben should move in with you, you know?
I mean, he's a pretty helpful guy.
You can reach the shelves in the kitchen for you.
Thank you.
But I can reach those shelves
when I jump.
Plus, isn't there someone, somewhere, who needs him more?
Wait, who needs me mo... Y'all been talking to my mama?
Or maybe he needs to move forward,
because someone who cares about him isn't seen in the way
that someone would like to be seen as.
I can't move in with my mom.
She put all her collectible dolls in my bedroom,
and they keep looking at me.
Maybe Ben doesn't know that that someone feels that way
because that someone's emotions are locked up tighter
than the Disney Vault.
The someone has shown how she feels.
She smiles. Smiles are big signals.
Maybe if you're in Downton Abbey.
Guys, I am not moving back in with my mom.
She talks to the TV.
She thinks her and Judge Mathis are good friends.
Ben, you can't move in. Ellis is right.
I need to start working on living with my family
instead of coming up with new places to hide from them.
I don't know, Pradeep.
In an anarchist post-apocalyptic society,
radical selfishness may be the only viable option.
Rufus, no, stop.
We're not ourselves right now.
Hell, the whole world is off.
I got sent a gun in the mail today.
- What? - How did this not come up earlier?
We were too busy dealing with Picklegate.
I prefer to think of it as Brine/11.
- But who... - It's addressed to this
creepy guy named Elwood. He lives in the building across from mine.
He has a telescope.
If you're not an astronomer,
you shouldn't have a telescope.
Anyway, not the point.
I hate guns,
but I've been so freaked out with everything going on lately
that I was actually thinking about keeping it.
You should 100% keep that gun.
When society collapses,
a gun will be worth its weight in gold.
- It will? - Yes.
And for the record, all of you should be buying gold.
Rufus, I'm not keeping the gun.
I don't want any of this to change who I am, who we are.
I know it's all different now.
These screens and these apps,
it's harder to stay connected, but we have to try.
Pradeep and Ellis, you guys have to talk to us.
You shouldn't be carrying all this on your own.
We're a family, okay?
I don't know what I'd do without you guys.
I would also encourage you to talk with others
in this group about what you're feeling.
After all, people and not-talking houses
- should not throw talk-stones. - Socrates.
Ellis, are you okay? Can you pay your rent?
Health insurance?
Honestly, I'm not sure I can afford either,
which, you know, is not great when you're a lady
who has to take hormones every day, but I will survive.
They're not letting landlords
throw people out for not paying rent yet,
so I'm just gonna let that slide
and continue to deliver
people's groceries and food until I figure something out.
You can always join my new venture.
Plus my hand sanitizer,
it makes great heating fuel for when the power grid goes down.
Rufus, did you not hear me
just say I'm about to lose my health insurance?
I'm not stepping a foot near your stupid meth lab.
Ugh, I wish I could make meth here.
Ellis, they can't evict you,
but you're gonna rack up a whole bunch of debt
by not paying your rent for months.
I'll figure it out. I always do.
- We'll pay. - What?
No, we can afford it.
You saved our asses a thousand times
when you managed our rental units.
We will pay your rent. You pay your health insurance.
You guys don't have to do that.
Yeah, can we maybe talk about this real quick?
Ellis, you're our friend. We care about you.
- We can take care of you. - But can we?
I mean, obviously, I would love to,
but all this talk about
a crumbling society and lawlessness...
We don't know how long this situation is gonna last, Garret.
Ellis, I am not saying that we're not gonna to help you.
I'm just saying that we need to talk about it first.
We should go.
I have to go start my delivery shift anyway.
Yeah, I love you guys, but I should go talk to Richie.
Ben, you still up for a movie?
Sure. "Invisible Man"?
I was thinking "When Harry Met Sally."
- Okay, we're gonna go. - Okay, bye.
Gotta go, it's very charming. Have fun, see you later.
- That was intense. - Intense times.
I can't believe I was actually thinking
of keeping this handgun.
- Annie. - What?
That's a flare gun.
It has the word "flare" written on it.
Oh, wow. I thought that was the brand.
This looks like a gun.
That thing doesn't shoot bullets.
It helps people find you in an emergency.
Well, this is an emergency,
and I do need someone to find me.
Oh, my God, I thought you said it didn't shoot!
It doesn't shoot bullets.
It shoots flares.
No, I think my Girl Scout cookies
are on fire. I gotta go.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I think so.
I mean, the fire department
kept it contained to my kitchen,
and this is hardly the first time
I set fire to something in there.
This has made one thing very clear, though.
I should never own a gun.
And you never did. Once again, it was a flare gun.
- Where are you at right now? - My balcony.
My apartment is full of ash, water,
and half a dozen strangers
breathing on my things during a pandemic.
What do you think will kill me first?
The firemen breath or the burnt microwave smoke?
- You can't go to a hotel right now. - Miss?
Why don't you come over to my place and spend the night?
The police are gonna need to speak with you.
Yeah, I'm just gonna put my mask on, I'll be right in.
Sorry, I gotta go.
The police are here. What were you saying?
Nothing. I don't know... We can talk about tomorrow.
Thanks for calling me.
You're exactly who I wanted to talk to you right now.
Garret.
Catching me in raw the glamor of food delivery.
- Where you going? - Driver-client privilege.
But her name may or may not be Lizzo,
and she may or may not have ordered
the coconut Bavarian from Vespertine.
We're gonna pay your rent and your health insurance
until you can afford both.
It's not a loan,
and I am not taking no for an answer.
- Garret. - You're our family.
We work our asses off to do things like this
for the people that we love.
That's very sweet.
What does Michelle have to say?
Sorry, husband-wife privilege.
I'm not taking money from you guys behind Michelle's back.
You're not.
This is from her too.
She just doesn't know it yet.
Look... Michelle is all love, you know that.
And she's the one that taught me
about generosity and compassion and... and...
she's just scared right now.
She's not herself, and that's okay.
She'll get back there.
I'm just gonna be her until she does.
- Are you sure? - Yes, we are.
Thank you.
?
Ben, for the last time,
you cannot quarantine with me and my family.
No, no, no, I'm off that. I'm just checking in.
How do things go with Richie?
Oh, you know what? I think we're okay.
Richie's the best.
He's been stuck with these kids for four years.
He's used to it.
I think we're having a major break.
And he's like, "No, no, no, no, babe,
that was just a Wednesday."
What?
We are gonna go back to counseling, though,
you know, make sure we stay okay.
Good. Speaking of okay,
go ahead and check outside your door right now.
What did you do?
Oh! No. No, no, no!
How did you... what the... Is this a hologram?
I helped Rufus out with his illegal hand sanitizer hooch,
but I made him pay me with dark web
black market vegan children's pasta.
Apparently, this was flown in from Thailand,
and it came with 5 pounds of heroin and a human kidney.
What made you do this?
You're my friend. I care about you.
You still cannot move in with us.
Why not? You're being selfish.
You wanna teach your kids selfishness?
I love you, Ben.
I love you, too.
You can keep the bribe.
Oh, I intend to.
Yes!
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --