1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,587 ? It seems today that all you see ? 2 00:00:04,588 --> 00:00:08,174 ? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ? 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,511 ? But where are those good old-fashioned values ? 4 00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,472 ? On which we used to rely? ? 5 00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:18,184 ? Lucky there's a family guy ? 6 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,604 ? Lucky there's a man who positively can do ? 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,189 ? All the things that make us ? 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,690 ? Laugh and cry ? 9 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:30,155 ? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ? 10 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:34,075 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com - 11 00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:40,540 God, the Clam sucks on Saturday mornings. 12 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:43,042 It's all just weird foreign sports fans, 13 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,795 like those Pakistani cricket hooligans. 14 00:00:45,796 --> 00:00:47,547 If you are not rooting for Lahore, 15 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,423 please you may leave, I can tell you! 16 00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,384 Lahore cricketers are the best, 17 00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:54,095 and the others are not the best, dear friends. 18 00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:58,307 I'm for Karachi, but I don't got a death wish about it. 19 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,226 Guys, what's wrong with us? 20 00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:02,520 It's Saturday morning, and we're drinking in a bar. 21 00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:05,064 We should be drinking at the Goodwill donation dumpster. 22 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,187 Why come? 23 00:01:06,188 --> 00:01:08,150 'Cause right now's when all the yard sales end. 24 00:01:08,151 --> 00:01:10,486 We can get first pick of the abandoned leftovers. 25 00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:12,196 That's a stupid idea. There's not gonna 26 00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,884 be anything good in that dumpster. 27 00:01:13,885 --> 00:01:16,995 What if I told you everything I'm wearing right now 28 00:01:16,996 --> 00:01:18,494 I found in that dumpster? 29 00:01:19,706 --> 00:01:21,414 Is that a bachelorette sash? 30 00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:25,460 Scott said I could do hand stuff this weekend, but that's it. 31 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,590 I told you this is stupid. 32 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:31,924 There's nothing good in here. 33 00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:33,718 Hey, look a pair of working legs. 34 00:01:33,719 --> 00:01:35,052 Dibs on these. 35 00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:37,305 Wha...? Aw, come on, Quagmire! 36 00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:38,931 Joe, I said dibs. 37 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:41,309 No, no, you're right. You said dibs. 38 00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:44,353 Whoa. Check it out. A Sorry! board game. 39 00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:45,605 Let me see it. 40 00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:49,400 - Three pieces missing. - How'd you do that? 41 00:01:49,401 --> 00:01:52,613 I can shake anything and figure out what all's in there. 42 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,825 You got 11 periods left. 43 00:01:57,826 --> 00:02:00,369 Cool. VHS of Eraserhead. 44 00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:03,372 This'll be good for when I never want to sleep again. 45 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:06,042 Holy crap. 46 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:07,502 Wha-What? What is it? 47 00:02:10,422 --> 00:02:12,048 A Magic 8 Ball! 48 00:02:12,049 --> 00:02:13,966 This thing can tell the future. 49 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:16,218 No, it can't, Peter. It's just a stupid toy. 50 00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:17,720 I don't know. Let's test it. 51 00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:20,931 Will there be snow this Christmas? 52 00:02:20,932 --> 00:02:23,601 Oh, my God, the ball is right. 53 00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,227 I should ask again later. 54 00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:26,771 How did it know that? 55 00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:28,814 Guys, from now on, I am living my life 56 00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,900 according to the Magic 8 Ball. 57 00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:32,652 It will lead me like the shorebird 58 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:35,197 that led the first Pilgrims to Boston. 59 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,949 Ahoy! Are you looking to build a city 60 00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:41,911 where sports fans can be notoriously racist? 61 00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:44,163 Yeah, and can we also ruin "Sweet Caroline" 62 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,707 - for everyone else? - Absolutely. 63 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:50,044 Can our airport security people be responsible for 9/11? 64 00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:53,631 And can our own 9/11 be, like, one one-thousandth as bad, 65 00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,841 but we'll still make a fricking movie about it? 66 00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:57,635 I think I know just the place. 67 00:02:57,636 --> 00:03:00,221 Okay, I don't know if this is gonna be a problem, 68 00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:02,223 but we forgot to bring the letter "R." 69 00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:03,849 No problem at all. 70 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,227 Right this way, large-faced whites! 71 00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,229 Let's go, Red Sox! 72 00:03:09,648 --> 00:03:12,025 Let's go, Red Sox! 73 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,656 What is that? 74 00:03:18,657 --> 00:03:20,199 It's my Magic 8 Ball. 75 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,784 This is the first black ball 76 00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:23,994 that Kim Kardashian hasn't played with. 77 00:03:23,995 --> 00:03:26,956 Why is it filled with the blue liquid from tampon commercials? 78 00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:28,499 That's a very gross question, Meg. 79 00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,840 You may take your breakfast in the attic. 80 00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:35,297 That question aside, I'm having a blast with my new 8 Ball. 81 00:03:35,298 --> 00:03:36,855 It knows everything. Watch. 82 00:03:36,856 --> 00:03:38,467 Magic 8 Ball, 83 00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:41,638 will my middle-of-the-highway puppet show be a success? 84 00:03:43,196 --> 00:03:45,198 Well, I'll show this thing. 85 00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:54,389 How'd it go, Dad? 86 00:03:54,390 --> 00:03:56,410 I don't know, Sparky. What did you think? 87 00:03:56,411 --> 00:03:59,363 The performance was a little flat. 88 00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:16,714 Magic 8 Ball. 89 00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:18,507 Magic 8 Ball, I'm bored. 90 00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:21,021 Should I sniff my coworker's hair? 91 00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:25,347 He told me to do it! 92 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:27,391 Mr. Griffin, if a Magic 8 Ball asked you 93 00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,727 to jump off a building, would you do that, too? 94 00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:31,061 Did it? 95 00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:33,606 No, I'm just using that as an example of... 96 00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,650 I listened to the toy! 97 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:42,532 Magic 8 Ball, what's the best email provider? 98 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,410 "Outlook good." Interesting. 99 00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:48,913 He's not raving about it, but it's a solid choice. 100 00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:50,873 Let's go, Peter. Time for church. 101 00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:54,126 Mom said they're gonna serve Chewy Chips Ahoy at coffee hour. 102 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,795 Lois... church? 103 00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,797 Who am I supposed to worship, Jesus? 104 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,632 This is my god now. 105 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,091 Watch your mouth, Peter. 106 00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:03,886 Sorry, Lois, but my religion is now the 8 Ball. 107 00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:07,056 Magic 8 Ball, is the Fox network sustainable 108 00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:09,059 in this new streaming world? 109 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:13,020 No. No! 110 00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,106 Kim, what's wrong? 111 00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:19,486 A black ball went to waste. 112 00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:29,370 Are you streaming Mindhunter in church? 113 00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:32,165 I'm trying to stream Mindhunter in church. 114 00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:37,962 Freaking guest Wi-Fi. 115 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:40,548 You know the priest gets the good Wi-Fi. 116 00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:42,299 And yea, the Lord said... 117 00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:44,134 Whoa, whoa. Mindhunter's going in. 118 00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:45,803 I mean... 119 00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:48,472 Thou art the children of Abraham, and thou shalt... 120 00:05:48,473 --> 00:05:50,015 He's playing you! 121 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:52,101 You think you're playing him? He's playing you. 122 00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:54,270 I hate this. When do I get my cookie? 123 00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:56,438 I just want my cookie so I can go home. 124 00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,649 Now please join me in silent prayer. 125 00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,526 And as we settle into the silence, 126 00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:02,778 I remind you that... in honor of Lent... 127 00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:07,242 today's coffee service will not include Chewy Chips Ahoy. 128 00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:13,331 (BLEEP) 129 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:20,838 Hey, Stewie said his first word. 130 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,048 And it was a swear. 131 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,134 Well, this is unacceptable. 132 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:27,678 We have to leave right now and go straight to breakfast. 133 00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:29,848 Unbelievable. 134 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,938 Let's go! 135 00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:45,738 I can't believe Stewie finally said his first word 136 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,073 and it ends up being... that. 137 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:51,201 Right now, every woman in my mommy wine group is judging me. 138 00:06:51,202 --> 00:06:53,996 I may have to start drinking wine at home alone. 139 00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:55,994 - Start? - Not the day for it, Chris! 140 00:06:55,995 --> 00:06:57,166 Not the day! 141 00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,418 I don't get it, Stewie. You've been talking forever. 142 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,045 Why did everyone suddenly understand you now? 143 00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,713 I don't know. 144 00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:05,049 I was feeling so much intense emotion in the moment, 145 00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:07,343 and that one word somehow just burst through. 146 00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:09,637 Yeah, but now what? Everyone can understand you? 147 00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:11,347 I don't think so. 148 00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:13,933 Not unless I'm yelling something I feel strongly about. 149 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:17,019 Greta Gerwig is a national treasure! 150 00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:18,687 See? Nothing. 151 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,564 I guess I'm not feeling it. I don't know. 152 00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:23,567 What if that's the only thing I'll ever be able to express? 153 00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:26,320 Anger. What kind of a person would I be then? 154 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,030 Larry David, Lewis Black, 155 00:07:28,031 --> 00:07:30,282 a Trump voter, everyone on Twitter. 156 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,326 But I don't want to be any of those things. 157 00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:33,702 They've got to hear me. 158 00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:35,621 Ice cream! Lollipop! 159 00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,039 Bubbles! Kitty cat! 160 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,459 Doggy! Raincoat! Preschool! 161 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:44,421 Fire truck! Goldfish! Finger paint! 162 00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,386 Lois, what are you doing here? 163 00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:52,513 What do you mean? You invited us. 164 00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:55,391 Sorry, but we can't have Stewie here. 165 00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:56,976 I brought my own veggie burgers, 166 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,602 but I'm not gonna make a big deal about it. 167 00:07:58,603 --> 00:08:00,854 What with his profanity and all, I don't think 168 00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:03,357 Stewie would be a good influence on the other children. 169 00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,192 Is there a designated spot on the grill 170 00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:06,568 for the veggie burgers? 171 00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:08,070 And again, not a big deal. 172 00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:10,197 You're saying that because of a swear word, 173 00:08:10,198 --> 00:08:12,950 my son isn't good enough for your pool party? 174 00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,743 It's a little bit about him swearing, 175 00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:17,288 but mostly about you as a parent. 176 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,416 Kevin, I said, no arrows! 177 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,251 Crossbows don't shoot arrows. 178 00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,044 They shoot bolts, dumb-ass! 179 00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:26,088 Okay, sweetie. 180 00:08:26,089 --> 00:08:29,466 Hey, Dad, did you hear what Einstein called bolts? 181 00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,052 I heard it. 182 00:08:34,472 --> 00:08:36,223 Brian, shut off the television. 183 00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:37,933 It's ruined my baby! 184 00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,351 What are you talking about? 185 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:41,895 Stewie obviously learned to swear from some TV show. 186 00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:44,606 No, he didn't. The only show he watches is Caillou. 187 00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:46,734 Well, then that little French-Canadian weirdo 188 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:48,819 is the potty mouth, I'm sure of it. 189 00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:51,613 And I'm willing to watch every single episode just to prove it. 190 00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:53,490 Caillou was upset. 191 00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:57,036 Why am I bald? I'm not a baby. I'm four. 192 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,538 Are kids just bald in Canada? 193 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,081 So Caillou decided 194 00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,624 to look himself up on Wikipedia. 195 00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:04,668 God, this is dull. 196 00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:06,920 Maybe I'm supposed to be a cancer survivor, 197 00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:09,423 and this show is very inspiring. 198 00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:11,925 But Caillou wasn't a cancer survivor. 199 00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:15,387 The show's creators just made a weird choice. 200 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,931 Caillou's low-testosterone father 201 00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:20,434 again indulged Caillou's tantrum, 202 00:09:20,435 --> 00:09:22,770 clearly trying to raise a sociopath. 203 00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:24,354 It's okay, Caillou. 204 00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:26,315 I'll bake you a pie. 205 00:09:26,316 --> 00:09:28,901 He said, his body flooding with estrogen. 206 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:30,319 Lois? 207 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,820 Are you dead? 208 00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:34,865 Can I eat you? 209 00:09:34,866 --> 00:09:36,992 - Huh? What? - Ah, another time. 210 00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:41,205 Oh. I-I, um... I watched that Caillou, and you're right. 211 00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,540 Stewie didn't learn that word from Caillou. 212 00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:45,626 That means he learned it from someone in this house. 213 00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:48,003 - Okay. - And I will find out who. 214 00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,630 I'm gonna set a trap 215 00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:52,174 and lure the swearer into revealing himself. 216 00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:53,550 That sounds hard. 217 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:56,178 Oh, I will find the swearer. 218 00:09:56,179 --> 00:09:57,596 Dad, why are we sitting 219 00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,098 on the washing machine? 220 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,516 Because in Canada, 221 00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:02,477 men have vaginas. 222 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,108 Hey, what's with the stairs? Why do they look different? 223 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:10,609 Oh, I'm trying to prove 224 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,778 that Peter's the one cussing in the house, 225 00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:15,447 so I waxed the staircase for him to fall down. 226 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,616 Hey, Lois, have you seen my Spider-Man socks? 227 00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:18,784 I can't seem to... 228 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,410 Ouch. Oh, heavens. 229 00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:21,787 Oh, goodness gracious. 230 00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,664 That's smarts. Oh, my. 231 00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,249 Egad. Well, I'll be. 232 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:27,251 Yikes. 233 00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:29,128 Peter, when did you become so polite? 234 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:31,338 Oh, I've been hanging out with Caillou's beta dad. 235 00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:33,298 In fact, I'm meeting him at the park 236 00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,802 to eat unsalted saltines on the swings. 237 00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:38,095 I feel like you're wearing 238 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:41,683 what Rachel Maddow would wear to a pumpkin patch. 239 00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:46,019 Lois couldn't find the swearer, 240 00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:47,855 nor could she remove the voice 241 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:50,858 of the grating Caillou narrator from her head. 242 00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:52,818 Make it stop! 243 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:55,196 Not until you kill them all, Lois. 244 00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,531 Oh, crap. 245 00:10:57,532 --> 00:10:59,491 It's the lady with the baby who cussed. 246 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,243 Turn out the lights. 247 00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:02,578 Shh. Quiet, quiet. 248 00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:04,496 H-Hello? 249 00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,748 Hello! I know you're in there! 250 00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:08,333 We're closed! 251 00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:10,627 I know you're not closed. 252 00:11:10,628 --> 00:11:12,462 I see the Instacart people in there 253 00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:14,631 emotionlessly filling up their baskets. 254 00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:16,133 We're a family establishment, 255 00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,260 so take your foul-mouthed baby and go away! 256 00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:20,095 Please, let me in! 257 00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:22,681 I can only poop behind a punch-code door! 258 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:23,932 There's something about the beeps. 259 00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,350 It gets things moving! 260 00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:27,102 It's very secure! 261 00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:28,604 Go away! 262 00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:30,522 You can't do this! 263 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,774 When a mom is shunned by groceries, 264 00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:35,944 she has nothing! 265 00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:39,157 Please! 266 00:11:40,992 --> 00:11:45,162 Aah! It's those antibacterial wipes for the shopping carts! 267 00:11:45,163 --> 00:11:46,914 It's burning my eyes! 268 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:49,334 (BLEEP)! 269 00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:53,879 Oh, my God. 270 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,547 I-It's me. 271 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,341 I'm the swearer. 272 00:11:57,342 --> 00:12:00,260 Oh, God. 273 00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:03,597 I'm ruining my child! 274 00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:05,057 Lois was sad, 275 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:07,309 but not as sad as she was going to be 276 00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:10,312 when she realizes she has to use those ouchie wipes 277 00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:13,858 to make a potty next to the store dumpster. 278 00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:21,156 I feel so awful. 279 00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,699 I've corrupted my baby 280 00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:25,827 with my foul language and my terrible anger. 281 00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:28,038 I'm so sorry that happened, Lois. 282 00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:30,415 And Lofthouse cookies weren't available 283 00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:31,917 at any other grocery store? 284 00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:34,419 Don't worry, Dad. I Instacarted some. 285 00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:38,298 Here's your stuff. 286 00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:39,466 Thank you. Have a good night. 287 00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:41,385 No. 288 00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:42,886 Anyway, the point is 289 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:45,806 I have to deal with my anger and fix myself. 290 00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:48,267 So I've decided to attend this relaxation retreat 291 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,894 at Vista del Vista Resort. 292 00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:52,479 Uh, gosh, I don't know about that, Lois. 293 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:53,730 It sounds really expensive. 294 00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:55,983 No, I guess you're right. 295 00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:57,818 There's no way we can afford it. 296 00:12:57,819 --> 00:12:59,945 Plus, if I go, that means I won't be here 297 00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:02,281 to help out around the house or feed you guys 298 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,950 or monitor your Internet usage every day... 299 00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:05,951 - You should go. - Yeah, Mom, 300 00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,577 you should go, for sure. 301 00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:14,085 Because they want to masturbate, you see. 302 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,333 Okay. 303 00:13:16,334 --> 00:13:17,995 Uh, I don't know what that was, 304 00:13:17,996 --> 00:13:19,464 but, Lois, you should go to that resort. 305 00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,216 Go relax and fix yourself. 306 00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:22,634 Really? 307 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,469 You guys'll be okay while I'm gone? 308 00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:25,804 Sure. We'll have fun! 309 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,515 Just like that time me and Chris went Jet Ski'ing. 310 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,600 Yeah! This is awesome! 311 00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:31,810 I know, right? 312 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,271 Oh, my God! 313 00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:35,272 It's okay, Chris. 314 00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:36,481 I'm sure that was the only one. 315 00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,108 Dolphins swim alone. 316 00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:44,031 Okay, maybe we should turn back. 317 00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,282 No. 318 00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:48,243 Kill every last one of them. 319 00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:50,537 Chris and I never spoke of that day. 320 00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:53,999 But whenever somebody talks about how smart dolphins are, 321 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,792 Chris and I look at each other like, 322 00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:57,669 "No." 323 00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:04,968 ? You got to ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive ? 324 00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:08,847 ? E-lim-I-nate the negative ? 325 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,932 ? And latch on ? 326 00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:13,602 ? To the affirmative. ? 327 00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:16,063 Lois Griffin? My name is Roger, 328 00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:18,315 and I'll be guiding this relaxation adventure 329 00:14:18,316 --> 00:14:20,067 for you and the other white women, 330 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:22,611 plus an Asian woman who has a white husband back home. 331 00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:25,197 I feel more relaxed already. 332 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:28,867 Now sit down and enjoy some spa music that's mostly rain. 333 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,829 Hey, guys, can we take it from the rain again? 334 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,882 Well, Chris and Meg are off to school. 335 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,467 Guess it's just you and me now. 336 00:14:45,468 --> 00:14:46,802 You want a Popsicle? 337 00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:47,803 Huh? 338 00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,972 Breakfast Popsicle? 339 00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:53,058 Whoa, there's vodka in here. 340 00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:58,814 Now, what... Uh, now, what is... 341 00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,565 Now, what... what did you want? 342 00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:01,650 What... 343 00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:03,485 Let's go play in the hot yard. 344 00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:05,862 I'm two and a half hours late for preschool. 345 00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:06,863 Your dad... 346 00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:08,281 What... Who wants milk? 347 00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:10,784 L-Let me quick just check in the freezer. 348 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:15,455 You-you burger. 349 00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:17,290 Here-Here's your veggie burger. 350 00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:19,876 It'll thaw out. 351 00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:21,378 It... You s-suck on it. 352 00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:22,963 It'll thaw out nice. 353 00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:24,589 All right, I'm out of here. 354 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,842 Ah, this is the perfect amount of drunk 355 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:29,761 for a Filet-O-Fish. 356 00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:34,891 Hey. 357 00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:37,269 I'm, um, Trey Headband, 358 00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:40,439 and I'm your dumb yoga instructor? 359 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,941 Yoga is, um, good? 360 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,735 And from, um, like, China? 361 00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:47,779 Ready? Go. 362 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,114 Go what? 363 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,115 What? 364 00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:52,242 Y-You didn't tell us what to do. 365 00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,911 Awesome. You guys did great. 366 00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,329 Let's take a break. 367 00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:57,831 Who's got yoga questions? 368 00:15:57,832 --> 00:15:59,207 Oh, I have a question. 369 00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,293 What does "namaste" mean? 370 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,377 I don't know. 371 00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:04,337 I've never heard of that. 372 00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:07,132 But do you guys remember OP shorts? 373 00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,509 - What does that have to do with yoga? - I don't know. 374 00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:12,429 I'm just saying, those were pretty rad. 375 00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:15,432 You guys are doing really good. 376 00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:16,975 Keep going. 377 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,186 I'm gonna go to that bathroom right there 378 00:16:19,187 --> 00:16:21,606 and do explosive diarrhea. 379 00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:25,817 Just be quiet and meditate now. 380 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:26,902 Right on? 381 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,991 Just, like, be one with the silence. 382 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,663 If you hear a sound, 383 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:41,249 just, um, rec-knowledge it 384 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,418 and then, like, let it go? 385 00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:50,634 Meditation doesn't have diarrhea sounds. 386 00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:53,554 All right, let's check in on Peter and the baby. 387 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:58,517 Okay, Stewie, time for Daddy to mow this very rocky backyard. 388 00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:01,269 So I'll just put you in this baby seat you've grown out of, 389 00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:02,604 right where the rocks are gonna fly. 390 00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:03,898 Wait, what? 391 00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:08,276 Hang on! Stop! 392 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,445 - Aah! - Uhp, there we go. 393 00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:13,114 Wow, that's a lot of rocks. 394 00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:14,908 Damn it! Ow! Ow! Turn it off! 395 00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:16,451 Uhp, the voles are back. 396 00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:18,912 You can tell from all the very many rocks. 397 00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:20,288 Look at 'em fly! 398 00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:24,334 Still think moving was such a bad idea? 399 00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:25,335 I don't know. 400 00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:27,170 Do we still live with your mother? 401 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,644 Good morning, everyone. 402 00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:44,896 Let me start with another friendly reminder 403 00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:47,065 to please not flush your feminine products. 404 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,984 The yard over the septic tank out back 405 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:51,194 looks like a Braveheart battlefield. 406 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:54,739 Okay. Now it's time for everyone to choose a mantra. 407 00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:55,812 What's that? 408 00:17:55,813 --> 00:17:58,159 It's like a word you say that brings you peace. 409 00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,494 A special word. 410 00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,997 A word of release and catharsis. 411 00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:03,748 You mean like (BLEEP)? 412 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,502 Now, now, Lois, let's keep things acceptable. 413 00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:09,504 I mean, I'm just saying... I already have a word 414 00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,339 that does all those things when I say it. 415 00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:12,674 And that word is... 416 00:18:12,675 --> 00:18:14,467 Yes, we heard the word! Lois, please... 417 00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:16,136 No, no, maybe I'm not perfect, 418 00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:17,721 but I'm a good person. 419 00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:19,014 I love my children. 420 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,140 I like my husband. 421 00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:21,224 And there are worse things 422 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:23,560 than occasionally using a swear word. 423 00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:25,563 I'm out of here. 424 00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:31,568 Guys, I'm worried about the baby. 425 00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:33,778 He's hardly touched any of his birdseed. 426 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:35,822 Are you sure we're shaking him enough? 427 00:18:35,823 --> 00:18:37,949 I'm home! 428 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,868 Yeah! 429 00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:41,870 I missed you guys so much. 430 00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,872 I'm so sorry I had that little meltdown. 431 00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:44,956 But, more than that, 432 00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:47,292 I'm sorry I left you guys on your own. 433 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:49,085 This is where I want to be. 434 00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:50,879 Is that okay with you guys? 435 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:51,921 Of course, Lois. 436 00:18:51,922 --> 00:18:53,423 Everyone's glad you're home, 437 00:18:53,424 --> 00:18:55,592 except for mean older brother Buzz, 438 00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:57,218 who never says anything nice. 439 00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:58,928 Uh-oh. Here he is now. 440 00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:00,263 Hey, Lois. 441 00:19:00,264 --> 00:19:02,432 Pretty cool you're back. 442 00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:04,851 Aw, I guess he's not such a bad guy after all. 443 00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:07,354 Also, America should only accept white immigrants. 444 00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:09,564 Uhp, nope, he's still a bad guy. 445 00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:11,566 Well, I am so happy to be home. 446 00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:15,195 But there's one little guy I missed most of all. 447 00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:18,114 Where's my baby? 448 00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:25,789 Stewie, 449 00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:27,457 I-it's me. 450 00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:29,376 I'm home. 451 00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:33,630 Mommy! 452 00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,632 Wow. 453 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,258 It's Stewie's second word! 454 00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:38,802 Oh, my God! 455 00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:40,679 His second word was me! 456 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:41,763 "Mommy." 457 00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:44,307 Oh, I love you, Stewie! 458 00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:46,727 Ooh, ooh. Say that again for Instagram. 459 00:19:51,232 --> 00:19:53,983 Well, well, I guess he doesn't feel like it anymore. 460 00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:55,548 - Mommy! - Ah! 461 00:19:55,549 --> 00:19:58,489 Say it again! Say "Mommy" again for Instagram. 462 00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:01,255 All right. 463 00:20:01,256 --> 00:20:03,081 - I tried. - Mommy! 464 00:20:03,082 --> 00:20:05,040 (BLEEP)! 465 00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:12,460 Wow, Stewie, kind of a big deal 466 00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:14,295 that your second word was "Mommy." 467 00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:16,214 Makes me think you don't want to kill her 468 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,091 and maybe you love her. 469 00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:20,176 No, no, no. No, no, no. 470 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:22,345 No, no, that's what I wanted you to think. 471 00:20:22,346 --> 00:20:23,763 - What are you talking about? - Yeah. 472 00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:24,848 I scammed you, man. 473 00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:26,516 Took you for a ride, Jack. 474 00:20:26,517 --> 00:20:27,934 You thought you were a big wheel 475 00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:30,395 till you found out squares don't roll, man. 476 00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:31,771 Dig this, hep cat. 477 00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:35,442 The Stew-man spun you round like a Bill Evans 45. 478 00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:36,943 Wait, what's happening? 479 00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:38,445 I'll tell you what's happening, Brian. 480 00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:41,948 The whole family's becoming Jack Kerouac's insufferable friends. 481 00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:44,784 No one wants us at their apartment party, ya dig? 482 00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:47,620 Get hip to that, daddy, or skit-scat out of the house. 483 00:20:52,126 --> 00:20:54,127 We don't know how to end these shows anymore, 484 00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:55,963 so we just do nonsense.