*CREDITS*
Jay, what you doing?
Stay where you are.
Sorry, sweetheart. Who are you?
Good Lord... You are handsome.
Fuck it!
Cheers, mate.
Wait, where are the police?
See, they wanted me to plant a tracker on you guys,
but I knew that they were full of shit.
So,
I stuck it in Mrs. D's fish instead.
No harm done.
You have two minutes to explain.
And it better be good.
Okay.
Kim.
There is this TV show called Crystal Maze
and at the end
all the players they have to stand in this big fucking
- Crystal Dome thing. - Right!
Just give him a chance.
And they blow all these bits of
silver and gold shit into your face.
But the trick is
you only have to catch the gold ones to win.
If you catch the silver ones,
you lose.
Okay, you can kill him.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... okay
I went to the police because
since dad died,
I've just been fucking lost
in the crystal wind.
Shit blowing in my face
and the only person who can help me separate
the gold from the silver,
is that kid standing right there.
Look, man, my loyalties are to Nicky and Beth
and...
he wasn't exactly going to save himself, was he?
Because, well...
love makes you do stupid shit.
Whoah! Hold your horses.
Sorry, permission to help a boy.
You do know I don't.
Yeah, that would be...
No, I think you're nice and everything.
- I think you're nice. - Oh, thanks.
I just mean in the same way that I think
that candle is nice.
Yeah, that's a lovely candle.
- It looks nice. - Yeah.
It smells...
- It's scented actually... - like pine cones.
Wow.
I on-boarded it.
Okay?
And I'm sorry,
but when I realised what they were up to
I unboarded it.
And out flew the devil,
just like Pandora
and her little wooden box.
- Hey, hey, wait, wait! - Tina, please, please!
Beth, babe, you are a lifesaver.
I thought we had an agreement.
Brooks!
What the fuck do they want with Beth?
Hello, Alan.
Well,
look what the cat dragged in.
What do you want?
I've got a cat actually.
Yeah,
always bringing dead birds in.
Heads cut off.
Guts all over the fucking kitchen floor.
Apparently, it's supposed to be a gift.
We thought that was quite a bold choice on his behalf, you know what I mean?
You got your money and your fall guy.
Why are we even having this conversation?
No,
because your little pal
let the cat out of the bag.
Terry now knows that Ian did not kill Jimmy
and the money is nowhere to be seen.
You kept the money.
Oh my God.
So now I need you to bring me a little gift.
Otherwise, it won't be me calling you next time.
And Terry is a lot more vicious than her dad ever was.
Okay.
Meet me in Carl's cafe in couple of hours. I'll send you the location.
You'll get your money
and your dead little bird.
I appreciate that, Joe.
I really do.
Why are they at Beth's house? Is she okay?
I told you to give that money back, didn't I?
Now is your chance.
Go and get it.
We're leaving.
They'll be here soon.
Make sure Jay's ready with the money, over.
Roger that, Mom and for the record
I'm still super angry with you.
Roger that, Kim. Let's deal with that later.
Over and out.
Okay, please don't ask for my permission
and then say out before I had the chance to answer.
It's really annoying.
Copy that. Completely understood. Over and out.
You just spoke right over me. You do realise that?
Radio comms only, please Kimmy.
Thank you. Out.
You sure about this, bro?
They are at Beth's house, man. I've got to do this.
But we seriously got to start talking about the business.
Get us up and running. You get me?
Shit. Hold this.
Please, say out at the end of your messages. Out.
Out.
You alright?
What the fuck is going on, Jay?
I find half a million pounds in cash.
The two police detectives, with guns,
are in our house going through our stuff.
I'm trying to make it right. Okay?
I was just trying to...
Look, I know you don't want to spend the rest of your life
with the geezer of the fish counter. I get that.
What are you on about?
You know I don't care about that.
Look, I got plans for me and you that's all I'm saying.
I don't need plans, Jay.
I need my boyfriend to be honest with me.
Do you want to talk to me about honesty?
All right, if we're being honest then, Beth,
and you really don't care about my job and all that,
then...
marry me.
What?
No, serious. Marry me.
Jesus!
Jay. I... It's...
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Hey, just listen to me...
No, just forget it...
- I have to go. - Jay!
Come here, man.
Okay, this is the place.
Alright.
So when he comes out...
Could you...? Can you just stop doing that?
What?
Let me do all the talking.
We need the money
and him in the car.
Thompson!
Sorry.
God!
_
Cuz I hate it when places only serve
dishonest foreign food.
Yeah.
Like halloumi.
It's like stop pretending to be chicken your cheesy bastard.
Who's that?
Fit.
Here we go.
Get into the car, sweetheart.
I was told this was a bag-drop.
Well, we are not exactly going to do out here in the open. Are we?
Do not leave, that as my line of argument.
Listen, this is the same conundrum, yeah
that I have with tomatoes.
Oh my God, don't get me started on tomatoes. It is like...
you're not a fruit, are you?
If you were, you'd be delicious of fruity
like don't go around with that.
I'm not a vegetable as...
Yeah, you know what. Listen, fuck tomatoes.
Fuck tomatoes.
Would you two, please shut the fuck...
Where's Kim?
Oh, shit...
There's cameras on the cafe.
If you get in the car,
we'll go somewhere quiet.
While we're still young.
Whenever you're ready.
I'll drive. You shoot.
What do you want us to do?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe just take care to stay the fuck out of my face
and I'll really appreciate it.
Oi!
Are you with them bastards?
Get out of the fucking way!
Not until I know what's going on.
Move!
Or what?
What's going on?
They're gonna kill you.
Could you not see that?
Take this.
Shit!
Fuck this!
Fuck my life!
Kim.
Take mine.
- What are you doing? - I'm going to answer the shots.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Shit!
Shoot the bloody tires.
I'm trying. Hold it steady.
Magazine.
Watch my windscreen.
Watch my fucking windscreen.
Shit... shit... shit... shit...
Ah!
Whoah!
Fuck!
Fuck it!
We should to find somewhere to camp.
It'll be dark soon and still long drive to the cabin.
Who says we're going back to the cabin?
It's just somewhere safe to lie low make a plan. Okay?
Even you would agree with that, wouldn't you, dick wallet?
Dick wallet?
What's a dick wallet?
Right, that's decided then. We'll camp tonight
and we will leave for the cabin at first light.
Seriously, what's a dick wallet?
I think she means some sort of
dystopian future in which
money no longer means anything.
- Right. - And the only currency...
- Yeah? - is for some unknown reason,
the savaged penes of your fallen enemies.
Right. Which you could carry around
in some kind of bespoke leather-bound
Dick wallet.
- Right. - Exactly!
Yeah. But I mean...
Cool, but...
I think it would be more of a purse.
You have to tell him, you know.
About the business.
Yeah. I could tell him.
Or I could just change my life plans
and start a landscaping business
to avoid having that conversation.
Okay.
I'll tell him.
I just need you to tell me exactly what to say,
word for word.
It's easy. You just...
look him in the eye.
And you say:
Jay.
You're my brother.
And you know how much I love you
and care for you.
And I know this is really hard time for you,
but...
I can't start a business with you, bro.
I've been offered an internship in London.
I'm really sorry, man. I just..
What do I know about landscaping
and with my hay fever I'd be terrible.
Compost gives me a rash.
I'm more of an indoor person.
- I just think... - Just....
I get it.
You got to do what's best for you.
Hey, don't feel bad about that.
Yeah?
Thanks, man.
Hey...
At least the money don't had to split with no one.
He's right, you know.
When this is all over, you should do whatever you want.
Just don't undervalue what we have, that is all I ask.
Okay! I'm gonna go and get some more firewood.
Nicky, you coming?
Sure you're okay?
I'm fine, kid.
Go on, go with Kim.
Go on, go on.
Beth's pregnant.
And she didn't tell me.
I mean, why would she?
I mean, what am I really going to offer her and a baby?
That business was the only chance I had, man.
Do me a favor. Close your eyes, Jay.
Now, just imagine...
It's...
you...
and Beth
and the baby.
And... you're in a cabin in the woods.
There's nothing else.
No pressures.
No expectations.
No TV.
No money.
Nothing.
Just let all that melt away.
Cheers.
I'll leave that with you, chump.
_
Yeah.
All right, boss.
We'll let you know.
That was Terry.
She sending reinforcements.
She said if we don't find them,
then she'll take one of us instead.
I used to be a good cop, you know?
Life was a lot less complicated.
We're going to find this mob
and when we do,
we're going to tell Terry that the money just...
disappeared.
And then we're going to split it 50/50.
I swear.
If she finds out, she'll kill us both.
I gave my whole life to Terry and her dad.
If I'm going to die alone,
I'd rather it was with an eight ball of coke
in a beach rental in Malibu.
Do we understand each other?
50 / 50.
And...
you have to promise to stop being such a grumpy prick.
I think I can manage that.
Thank you.
Now fuck off.
That was amazing.
I can't believe I just said what I thought
and saying what I thought made the situation 10 times better.
I don't get it. It's that what people just do all of the time?
No, nobody does.
Well, how do you ever tell anyone what you want?
By dropping subtle hints
and sighing loudly if they get it wrong.
Right. So...
if I wanted to kiss you now, how would I
go about it in your world?
You would spend six or seven months
beating around the bush and then
just drink half a bottle of vodka and then...
I'd like to kiss you now.
Oh.
Please.
My ways better.
See?
Wow!
That's number 16 well and truly crossed of the old list, ehh?
You read my book?
I'd say more like... browsed
or leafed... really.
Dipped my toe in, even though
it'll go 'the waters cold in here. I'm out.'
Say something.
You see, you can't trust him.
Kim!
Nice one, dipshit.
It's so obvious you want take us back to the cabin
trying to force Kim to stay in there.
Oh, really? What about you? You think that you're so smart, don't you?
You really think Kim would choose you over her mother?
- Why don't you ask her? - Are you crying?
No, I'm not crying!
Looks like we might get our little bird after all.
Where are those reinforcements?
Any minute now.
All right, then.
*CREDITS*