Ian!
Is that you, playing silly buggers downstairs?
*CREDITS*
Ian!
Hello, Jimmy.
Remember me?
You killed my dad.
Yeah, you might need to narrow it down a bit.
Okay. How's this?
His name...
was Bill Nokes.
Was he like, this little fellow?
Oh, for God sake.
Don't shout at me. I'm trying to remember. I'm getting old.
Do you have like picture of him or something?
Well, not on me, no.
I wasn't exactly planning on doing this tonight.
I've got one in the car.
- Do you want to go and get it? - No. C'mon think.
Bill Noakes.
The thing is
it might be easier for you to exact your revenge
if you weren't standing...
on a trap door!
Idiot!
Who's got a trap door in their house?
Anyway, you're a plank.
I do.
Where the fuck is she at?
Fucking unbelievable.
She's only little.
Gottcha!
Now, if I was you
I would you mind my step, treacle.
Thanks, honey.
Why don't you mind yours?
I'm the one walking forwards and you're the one walking backwards.
Why would I need to mind my step?
So, no one ever fallen walking forward then, have they?
Kinda unlikely in this kinda situation.
OK yes, it's highly unlikely but I'm saying stranger things have happened.
You watch your step.
God! You are annoying.
Now, your going to back off.
Look, I don't want blood everywhere.
I've just done shit loads of decorating.
- It's nice. - Thank you.
What do you say that you and I
have ourselves a little tumble.
I can't stand knives.
Eh?
To the death though?
Right?
Yes! To the fucking death.
Jesus!
Thought it might get a bit grim, that's all.
You now, hand-to-hand.
Maybe that's why they call me...
The Grim Reaper.
Maybe you're about to reap what you sow.
That's a very nice exchange. I like that.
Yeah, it felt organic.
It did, didn't it?
Oh!
We'll go on then.
Put your gun down.
You put your gun down.
No, you put your gun down.
How about we put them down together, nice...
nice and slow?
So Beth looks up.
Fixes me square in the eye and says, Jay
you have got the most gorgeous balls.
Oh fuck off.
She did, bro. I swear.
No bloke got gorgeous balls.
OK? Mine are disgusting.
I'm just going to put that out there.
I have repulsive balls.
Of course you do. All balls are disgusting.
They are the kind of balls that only your mother could find gorgeous.
I agree with you. Mine are horrible.
Uh!
Ah. Fucking Hell!
I bet even David Beckham hasn't got gorgeous balls
and his balls are golden.
Oh, yeah. No one is doubting the golden hue of a Beckham bollocks,
but that's where the aesthetic beauty of them come to a swift end.
- You know what I mean? - She said it though man.
No, she's lying.
Ah no, Beth never lies.
She's like a priest. *
- She has Shakira's hips. - Exactly.
But that's how I knew we were going to spend
the rest of our lives together.
What?
I'm going to ask her to marry me.
You think it's a bad idea, don't you?
I guess the only thing is, it's been six months.
Yeah, but it's like Dad used to say when you know, you know.
Yeah, but you think you know things
but you don't know. It's kind of like your thing.
Yeah, but I'm not saying I think I know.
I'm saying I know I know. And when you know, you
you know certain... you you just know it, innit?
No because the second piece of knowledge relies on
the first one being factually accurate,
which I'm saying might not be.
Mate, just because you've been dumped.
It doesn't mean the rest of us have to be fucking miserable. Does it?
Kid has been a long time.
Yeah.
Well...
I hate to break it to you kid, but...
she thinks it's the end of the world
and she's run off to some rich geezers house
in the middle of the night.
What do you think's happening?
She's blatantly in there right now just
throwing some guy around the bed
like his last night alive.
You killed my dad.
You've made your bed.
Now you're going to die.
Please, do not tell me you dragged me all the way up
the stairs just to say that.
Yes.
It's fucking terrible.
Shut up.
I am sorry about
killing Phil.
Bill!
Shit! Fuck! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It feels like you're doing this on purpose now.
I swear to God. I'm not. I'm not.
I watched him bleed to death on the floor.
Your mistake was leaving me alive that night.
You shouldn't have done that.
Ohhh
Oh, I remember you.
You are little Miss Penguin, ain?t yah?
I always wondered what happened to you.
Yes, well,
now you know.
It was a bit mean of you to kill that geezer outside,
you know, Ian.
What did he do?
It's moot point though, isn't it?
We're all dead anyway.
Put the news on.
See for yourself.
In other news, the world biscuit eating championships
got off to a fantastic start today.
I don't understand.
I think you'll find it's the highest amount of biscuits
consumed within an allocated time frame.
Why is no one speaking about it?
Fuck!
You stabbed me!
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I meant to kill you.
You stabbed me
while my back was turned.
That is so...
rude!
Come on, then.
Fuck!!!
Kim?
Kim!
I'm going out there again.
Don't stab me.
Or shoot me.
I'm serious.
I promise. I promise.
Kim where are you?
Up here.
Hey, Kim.
Did you lie to me tonight
about the end of the world?
I..I... won.... nah. I mean I wouldn't say..
- it wasn't exactly... - Nicky!
Did you lie to me?
That is so rude.
I was about to tell you
but you just run out of there so quickly.
But it's okay, right?
I mean, it's not like anyone died.
Kim!
Fuck!
Kim?
Tell...
Joe.
Who's Joe?
Tell...
Tell Joe
Tell him what?
Who's Joe?
Is he dead?
Check his pulse. Is he dead?
There's some of his brain on the table.
Well, how much?
You want me to tell you how much of his brain is on the table?
Yes, Jay. If it is not too much trouble,
I would like you to inform me how much of his brain...
I think any amount of brain is too much brain, isn't it?
I'm sorry. I forgot you're a fucking brain surgeon. When did that happen?
Was it before or after you got promoted to the supermarket deli counter?
It's a bit much, mate.
This is getting personal and shit.
I was going to ask you to be my best man as well.
Why are you still talking about weddings
when there's two dead people?
It's the fish counter anyway.
Jerk!
Kim!
Where have you been? Are you okay?
What's happening?
Who are they? Why they attacking you?
Oh God, you're in shock.
She's in shock.
Should we get some frozen peas?
Let's get some frozen peas. Okay... Ummmm
Jay. Google the recovery position.
We need to leave bro.
Peas, peas... I got peas. Great!
These will help. Just okay, just hold that.
Okay. I'll tell you what, I just.... just
Okay.
I'm going to call the police right now.
Is there anything you need to tell me before I do?
Anything at all?
Okay.
What can I get you darling?
Coffee, please.
What sort?
You pick.
_
She doesn't look so dangerous on the end there.
Tell that to my husband.
Isn't that right, Carl?
She caught me with a sucker punch. Mandy.
How many times?
If she comes in again, I'll put her smarmy little head through the window.
And which window would that be, my good man?
There you go, my darling.
All sorted.
Okay, this is fucked up, man.
We need to call the police right now.
Also, bro. Seriously, you look fucking ridiculous.
I know. I know. I just need to speak to Kim first
and find out what's really going on.
What's really going on, is we're trapped in a house
with some weirdo, who's clearly out of her mind.
All right, easy with the judging.
Ever heard of moral relativism?
Obviously not, no.
She is not out of her mind, is she?
She's just... out of her context. That's all.
She's not a weirdo. She needs our help.
She's probably just as scared as we are.
I think she's perfectly nice.
Right. We've only got an hour before we've got company.
We don't want his thugs to know we've been here.
So we'll take Ian's body with us.
Make it look like he killed Jimmy, and fled the scene.
He will be easier to move in smaller pieces.
Happy?
- What the..? - The thing is...
You got a better plan?
Not necessarily... better.
But we were just thinking,
maybe call the Police
calmly explain what happened?
No, what happened Nicky, is 15 years ago
that man killed my dad in front of me.
I was six years old.
I'm so sorry.
He ruined my life.
And now he's dead.
Yeah, except
he threw himself off the balcony.
You didn't do that Kim.
And look at this guy.
Oh my...
Have you seen the guns upstairs?
I mean... we'll say it was self-defense.
It was really.
Of course,
you're right.
You should call the police.
Tell them exactly what happened.
All I ask is that you give me one hour to disappear.
Can you do that for me?
Disappear? Like... for good?
Just tell them I knocked you unconscious.
Okay then. Sure.
- But... - I'm still mad at you!
And this is just for my list,
because I don't know when I'll get another chance.
Have a nice life.
Fuck my life!
I get the frozen peas.
He's lost a lot of blood,
we need to get him to the hospital or he's going to die.
Kim.
So not being funny, but
am I the only one that's thinking...?
You know.
Let nature take its course and all that.
- Jay! - He's a fucking Nazi gangster.
He'll do the same to us.
I'm not actually.
I got a tattoo when I was 16.
Confused... insecure...
trying to fit in with the crowd.
It's a young man's game, isn't it?
Being a Nazi?
Yeah.
You get older and you realise
that everyone's just trying to muddle along.
The cruel world is the problem not the people in it.
I made mistakes in my life.
I'm happy with the person I've become.
I will say that with my hand on my heart.
God! He's a sweetheart.
If we help this guy,
we're all going to prison for this. You know that don't you?
If it comes to it,
I take the blame.
I promise you that.
But saving Ian is the right thing to do.
Okay, you call the hospital and let them know that we're coming.
I'll dash to the car quickly and get it all set up for Ian.
Sure, Kim...
Kar-dash-Ian.
Kim Kar-dash-Ian.
Okay, we're in a rush so don't worry
but remind me to explain that to you later.
Because that's probably the best thing I've said in like... ever.
Sorry. What do you mean later?
Oh, I just thought, because of the whole, you know.
I told you, that kiss was for my list.
Just like everything else was supposed to be.
I was so excited.
And then you lied to me, didn't you?
Now it's all ruined.
I just think a bit of moral relativism would...
I'm glad we met.
I really am.
But, when you lie to someone,
you squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube.
You can't put it back in again.
Now, hang on son...
Just wait.
In that room through there,
there's 500 grand in cash
hidden in the fireplace.
It's plenty more where that came from.
Just...
don't kill me, please.
This was to make you more comfortable, Ian.
Oh, I thought you were going to smother me to death.
No!
Ohhh...
Thank you.
No. Not having it now.
- Where you going? - Where do you think?
I was only joking about the mon...
Oh.
Shittity shit.
Hello, darling.
I don't understand why you need to brush your teeth now anyway kid.
I'm kind of in the middle of some serious shit.
What? No, Jay. It's a metaphor.
It means you can't undo something once you've done it.
Like... you can't tell a lie and then...
Oi! You two, come and have a look at this.
Quick!
Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
- Put it back, man. - Fuck off!
We just need to get Ian to the hospital
and our story straight to the police. That is it.
Okay, and what if we go to the police and Kim blames it on us.
- She's not going to do that, is she? - Guys!
How do you know?
Because honesty is like her thing.
Bro, you don't even know her.
I know her well enough. All right?
- Guys! - Yes, Ian?
Jeez!
A little moaner, ain't he?
What do you want man?
Is she supposed to take me to the hospital?
Kim!
*CREDITS*