Twenty years ago,
Hampton DeVille was formed when my company merged
with another company owned by a one Parker Hampton.
Now he and I could never see eye to eye.
Hampton is 5'2" and blind.
I'll spare you the details. Suffice to say,
he and I got into a petty disagreement
over a measly $1 million.
Now, Hampton was raised poor,
so he's always counted nickels and cents
like some Dickensian penny pincher
even after he was a billionaire many times over.
That miserable little prick has made it clear
that if I don't pay him that million dollars,
he's going to come after me with all he's got.
So I need you boys to deliver this briefcase to him
at the DeVille Suites in Jackson Lake,
six hours north.
Now this is extremely important to me.
I care about this more than...
- Family? - No, not family.
- Friends? - I'm more of a "Seinfeld" guy.
- This is so hard. - Yeah.
What is important in life?
The, the power of seduction?
- No. - I kinda care about football
because it's the only thing I can talk about with my father.
Gourmet dining?
Well, I'll give it some more thought.
The point is...
Don't fuck this up.
Okay, but what happens if we do?
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Jesus.
Combos? Really, Jake?
Don't judge me. I'm in vacation mode.
Some people cheat on their significant others
while they're out of town.
I eat Combos.
I got a Lotto scratcher as well.
Well, there goes $2 you'll never get back.
Wait, what? It's never coming back?
No! My $2!
Well, if you don't start thinking about these things now,
you won't have any money for retirement.
How will I ever be able to retire now?
I'm so worried! I'll have to work until long after I'm dead!
No, thanks. We got it.
No problem, sir.
Have a great stay.
You've got to stay on your toes.
If you're not careful, hotels will bleed you dry.
I was gonna tip her. Jesus Christ, man.
The whole point of hotels
is to make other people do stuff for you.
It's like being a kid before you realize your parents
are human beings and you're destroying their lives.
Here are your keys. And all I need now is a credit card.
Wait, I thought the room was paid for.
Yes, the card covers you in case of incidentals.
For example, you might incidentally enjoy
some of our hotel's top-shelf pornography,
or you might incidentally destroy one of our fine toilets.
We're on vacation. Maybe we'll do both.
Jake, can you give him your credit card?
I drove!
You're gonna be okay, buddy.
Who's my big boy?
- I'm your big boy. - Correct.
And there's a note here for you
from someone named Hampton.
_
Sweet. We have the whole night to ourselves.
Hey, where's the luggage? Where's the briefcase?
I got them right here, sir.
You slick fuck.
Elevator's this way, gentlemen.
I drove, so you're tipping her.
By the way, I highly recommend you check out
the pornos if you get the chance.
They're top-shelf.
Do you happen to have change for a 20?
I actually don't. Sorry, sir.
Not a problem.
Here you go.
Thank you, sir.
Locked up in an office all day,
you forget how breathtaking the natural world can be.
What do you say we hit the hot tub?
I bet she did have change. She's a bellhop.
People give her small bills all day.
Relax.
You got grifted for 20 bucks. So what?
Are you really going to let that ruin the rest of your trip?
I can't help it.
That's how I was raised.
My mom grew up poor,
or her mom did, so my mom still pretended we were poor
even though we had some money?
Anyway, I was never allowed to buy popcorn at the movie theater.
Mom said we couldn't afford it.
But then one summer,
my parents paid me a quarter an hour
to re-varnish the deck.
But there were a bunch of wasp nests under that deck,
and my face got all stung up
until finally, after two weeks of absolute hell,
I earned enough money to buy myself one medium popcorn.
Here you go, kid.
The cashier gave it to me,
I took one step away from the counter,
and tripped on the sticky floor.
The mean teens laughed at me.
Anyway, now any time I spend money,
I experience psychological trauma.
Another enthralling sob story
from Matt's tragically banal childhood.
Listen, your 20 bucks is gone,
but I'm gonna teach you how to enjoy
the supple pleasures of a hotel.
Go take an extra-long shower.
By the time you're done,
I'll have this room down to a refreshing 63 degrees.
Ooh! Good boy.
You use hotel towels like napkins.
Spit your gum in them, mop up a stranger's blood, go nuts.
Make sure to hydrate.
So, I was thinking we put the briefcase in the safe.
Although, I have heard they actually aren't that safe.
What if we throw the Bible in there with it?
That way at least the thief will feel guilty.
I love that.
Five second rule!
This tap water tastes pretty good.
That's not tap water. It's from the minibar.
The incidentals.
Ah! Yeah!
Ooh, baby, that's hot. Ooh!
It's one of the distinct pleasures
of being at a corporate hotel chain
on a Wednesday afternoon.
We have the pool area all to ourselves.
Whoa, Jake.
I have some questions about that bathing suit.
I already know where you're going with this.
Trust me, I hate this bathing suit.
The general theme, color palette--
it's all a nightmare.
It's not even my size anymore since I lost weight.
And I'm pretty sure Pebbles ate the drawstring.
Well, I'm judging you for wearing it.
I think less of you now because of that bathing suit.
But it technically works
and I only swim, like, twice a year,
so why get a new one?
- Where'd you even get it? - I don't remember.
I've come to realize I don't buy clothes.
I acquire them along the way.
Shit.
Let me guess. You guys were talking,
but now I'm here, and--
Now we feel self-conscious talking in front of you.
But, listen, I've accidentally ruined
a private hot tub convo before.
I empathize with you.
You are the victim here.
I appreciate that.
We were just talking about Jake's terrible bathing suit.
Let me have a look.
Show him the suit, Jake.
No! That's just awful.
I know we just met, but...
I'm embarrassed to know you.
Now, my bathing suit...
I feel okay about.
Yeah, decent fit, don't mind the color.
It's doing a lot of work,
considering how weird your body is,
How do you feel about your bathing suit?
I love my bathing suit.
Fits perfectly.
Not too tight, not too loose.
It's colorful, but not flashy.
It has an inner mesh that allows the crotch to breathe,
but it also lets it know that it's supported,
like a mother cradling a baby's head.
How much did it cost?
$250.
So you guys here on business?
We work for Hampton DeVille,
but we're actually here delivering
a briefcase full of money to a billionaire.
Really? Hampton DeVille?
I hear you make everything.
That's what they say. So what about you?
You here for business or pleasure?
Ah, both--I take great pleasure in my business.
Actually...
I'd like to talk to you about it.
I'll have the filet
and there's a big tip in it for you
if that's extra rare for me.
Hey, you guys want anything?
- Cheeseburger? - Thanks, Brad.
One cheeseburger. Make it juicy for my man.
Plain salmon. Wait, no.
Two plain salmons.
All right, cool. Two plain salmons.
And help yourself to the minibar, right over there.
Thanks.
- Is he insane? - No, he's just rich as fuck.
Gets to live his whole life in vacation mode.
You could learn a thing or two from him.
And throw in some type of dessert.
I don't know, surprise me, but make it moist.
What's up with all these weird sculptures in here?
I'm glad you asked.
This is my business that I wanted to tell you about:
peripheral objects.
Face forward.
But keep this object in your peripheral vision.
See, you can sense that it's there, right?
But now...
I'll take it away.
Yeah.
The room feels empty now, right?
You feel empty.
But when I put it back...
Whoa. Yeah.
When it's there, you never notice it,
but the absence of it leaves a psychological chasm,
almost impossible to recover from.
How much do these things cost?
That one's a grand, that one's 2,500,
this one's 1,350,
this one's 4 grand,
and that is 2,957.
And people really pay you that much for these thingies?
Of course, anyone in a position
of true power owns them--
CEOs, world leaders,
all the popes, Glenn Close.
Each one is imbued with a magical force,
powerful in its own unique way.
This egg-shaped one reminds me of an egg.
That one's 300 bucks. You can have it if you like.
- Really? - Wow, thank you.
They make great business gifts.
Maybe Christian DeVille would like something like that.
How much money you make selling this stuff?
- Excuse me? - Like, per year.
How much you raking it? Seems like you're killing it.
I invite you into my presidential suite,
I show you my objects,
and you disrespect me by asking how much money I make?
Do you wanna know how big my dick is as well?
Well, we kind of already know,
'cause we saw you in your trunks.
And, yeah, congrats.
All right, all right, get out of here, you tactless pricks.
No salmon for you!
Out! Let's go.
Get the fuck out of here.
You know what the best part of having money is?
You can say "fuck you" to anyone you want,
so fuck you!
Who'd've thought that entering
a stranger's hotel room would go so wrong?
Am I crazy or did the room get shittier?
Nah, we just got a taste of a bigger room
and a better life, so
we're ruined for the rest of the stay.
Well, I'm starving.
- Let's do room service. - No!
Room service is highway robbery.
My God.
I'll make you a deal.
If you pursue your popcorn PTSD and order room service,
I'll pull the trigger on a new bathing suit.
Okay, deal.
I'll take two plain salmons, extra plain.
Yes, of course I want ketchup.
It's $3 extra?
It's top shelf! I see!
Well, hallelujah and praise the Lord.
We got top shelf ketchup here, Jake!
Fine.
Just give me the ketchup.
Fuck!
Fuck, shit, motherfucker!
Well, I did it.
I bought french fries.
You have change for a tip for whoever brings it, right?
My mother was poor, so that means we're poor, too.
We can't afford popcorn!
The wasps.
Keep varnishing.
Fuck.
Hey, can you break a 20?
Not without you buying a drink.
It's hotel policy.
What kind of policy is that?
Hotel policy.
Hotel policy!
Well, then it makes perfect sense.
There's a convenience store about a mile down the highway
that could probably break your 20,
since you seem to enjoy making things difficult for yourself.
Let me think about it.
Hey, my friend went to get change for your tip,
because he's a psycho, but he'll be back soon
if you can wait a minute.
Sure, I can take a break.
What you looking up?
I'm trying to buy a bathing suit
and it's spinning me out.
Really, I'm just looking for something
I wouldn't be embarrassed to drown in.
Well, the first thing you need to do
is figure out who you truly are as a person.
Then you're ready to buy some trunks.
Hey!
Come on!
It's not that it has to have elephants.
I just don't want parrots and martini glasses.
That's where you and I differ.
But I respect your point of view.
I respect you, too, Tandry.
Hey, Matt. Tandry helped me
narrow down the field to a few bathing suits.
And we ate all your fries,
but there is one plain salmon left.
Well, I just walked 40 minutes to get your tip,
- so here it is. - Aw, thanks.
You know you could've just tipped on the bill, right?
- Fuck me. - Okay, I think I've got it.
It's got elephants, not too short,
not too long, the reviews are absolutely sparkling,
except for one guy who has a lot to say
about white nationalism.
I'm gonna get it before I have a chance to second guess myself.
Goddammit, they don't have my size.
I give up.
Whoa, what's this?
We met some guy who sells them.
They sort of exist not to be noticed.
Did that make sense?
For sure. Like hotel art.
Have those been there the whole time?
Yeah, kind of pretty, right?
You dudes in town for business or pleasure?
It's funny that the opposite of pleasure is business.
Business is pain. We're in town for pain.
Well, work has to be painful.
Otherwise, nobody would pay you to do it.
I certainly wouldn't be wearing this uniform
if I wasn't getting paid.
You know, I have to admit,
this trip hasn't been that painful.
We're just delivering a briefcase to a billionaire.
Technically, we're all getting paid
to carry someone else's luggage.
Right, but I have to lie
about not having change to make rent.
You guys are probably making a lot more money than me.
We don't make that much money.
Yeah?
How much you dudes raking in per year?
I invite you into our room,
I let you eat all of Matt's fries,
and you disrespect me by asking how much money I make?
Would you also like to know how big my dick is?
Well, I kind of already know that,
based on how insecure you're being right now.
Sorry, Matt and I have never compared our salaries.
Our friendship is fragile.
I bet it would feel really good
to tell someone, though, right?
Wow, you guys should definitely not know what each other makes.
No question it would ruin your friendship.
So, if you want to remain friends,
you might want to put a little tip in the Tandry jar.
Matt, pay the nice lady.
- Twenty bucks each. - What?
Tip me right now or I'm gonna fucking spill the beans.
- Good. - Thanks, guys. Pleasure doing business with you.
You guys are all checked out.
We did notice that you took a water from the minibar
and tried to replace it with a different water.
So you'll be charged for the water
and also a penalty fee
for trying to trick us.
You fuck with us, we fuck with you.
That's hotel policy.
Also, Hampton is ready for you in the business center.
Thank you.
Hey! Stop that briefcase thief!
Jake! Somebody stole the briefcase.
Get dressed, psycho.
We have to meet Hampton in ten minutes.
Mr. Hampton?
This is from Mr. DeVille.
Christian-- Christian DeVille.
Y-you know the guy.
Matt, hand over the briefcase.
_
Hey, Jake.
Combos.
Absolutely not. Vacation mode is over.
Whoa. Jake...
Is that your bathing suit?
I must've gotten it at a gas station somewhere.
I could just get a new one in my size.
I mean, it's only 12 bucks
and there's nothing really wrong with it,
other than the overall design
and how bad it makes me feel when I wear it.
Fine, just get the bathing suit.
If you drown, I'll make sure nobody identifies the body.
That's really sweet of you.
5.01.
All right. Here you go.
And...
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