God, this coffee sucks.
It's next level terrible.
If I had a time machine,
I would go back and kill Hitler.
But only because I'm convinced
Hitler is still alive...
And his job is brewing the coffee at this office.
I fantasized about my death
during Peggy's presentation again.
This time, I drove off a cliff.
We were both in the car though,
so at least I took her down with me.
I just don't feel safe in the office
with a man who decorates using action figures.
So Linda will not stop emailing me OK Go videos.
Get out of here.
His big business idea was "thick milk."
I was like, "Bitch, that's yogurt."
Jane's sneezes are performative.
It's like if you really want attention that bad,
Munchausen your daughter.
- Oh, hey, Jane. - Ah... ah... ah...
Ah-choo!
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
Christian is a psychopath.
And while I've never actually looked that word up,
I'm pretty certain I'm using it right here.
I can't believe he wants to build
a hurricane machine.
I think he's finally lost it.
Kate!
I'd rather not speak ill of Christian.
As the neighbor who raised me
from ages seven to nine used to say,
"If you don't have anything nice to say,
say it to your priest."
Right.
Nighty-night, gals.
John's great.
Yeah.
You guys are friends, right?
We work together on a lot of projects.
That must be...
interesting?
Yeah.
Sometimes,
he can be a little...
Much.
Yeah.
Sometimes, I wonder if he can be a little...
too...
Much?
It's like he's a robot
programmed to drive me crazy.
Robot technology isn't advanced enough
to create something as annoying as John.
He's from Hell.
He's the devil.
That's why he's so obsessed with God!
Sibling rivalry!
Wow.
Guess I'll see you tomorrow.
The only people stupider
than the people who claim climate change isn't real
are the people who think we can do anything about it.
Wow.
The paper straw.
Works terribly.
Doesn't make a lick of difference but...
it makes people feel like they're doing their parts.
Mm.
Can anyone see where I'm going with this?
Uh, you wanna make money by coming up with a product
that doesn't really help the environment
but makes people feel morally superior for buying it?
Ding, ding, ding! Way to go, Jane.
Yes.
Oh.
This coffee is wretched and foul.
It sounds like the start of a limerick.
This coffee is wretched and foul.
The maker of this brew should...
Throw in the towel.
Nice.
We should say this to Tammy.
Maybe she'll take the hint,
and start making better coffee.
I don't know.
Face to face confrontation feels a little aggressive.
I wish there was something in between
being passive and being aggressive.
Drinky, drinky.
I just don't know the term for it.
Since someone's done the paper straw,
why don't we do a plastic straw?
I was just thinking that. Yeah.
- Great idea, Kev. - Mm.
John, that doesn't make any sense.
- Plastic straws are the problem. - Problem, yeah.
You know I was just thinking that?
But piggybacking off Kev's idea...
- Yeah. - About plastic straws.
What about... does... does wooden straws make sense?
People feel guilty about their cars and the environment.
What if we did Lyft but with... I don't know... horses?
Horses. Yep.
I was just thinking that.
Great idea, both of us.
Mostly me.
Also, have you noticed
that Jake's been ending conversations
by saying, "Peace" now?
Where did that come from?
As long as it means he's leaving the room,
I'm fine with whatever he says.
You know, it's funny. I was just thinking that.
You know, that's hilarious.
Because I was just thinking
that you were just thinking that.
Oh!
I almost forgot to tell you.
I saw John drop
a comb
- out of his breast pocket yesterday. - What?
Hair comb or honey comb?
A honey comb would've been less weird.
I tried giving it back to him,
and he vehemently denied that it was his.
Oh, my God.
We have to get to the bottom of this.
If I get any leads,
you will be the first to know.
"The coffee here is wretched and foul.
"The maker of the coffee should throw in the towel.
"Let someone else make our brew
"so we don't feel like we're going to spew
chunks"?
Pretty creative, huh?
It's not gonna make the coffee better,
but at least you're hurting someone's feelings.
Eh, that's a win too.
- Hi, Tammy. - Hey, Tammy.
Hey, Matt. Hey, Jake.
Oh, uh, I guess we should get back to the grind.
Peace.
Oh.
Good morning.
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Sir Mr. DeVille, Leader of Men.
Oh, my God.
I figured out the mystery
with John and the comb.
I can't wait to tell you.
And... send.
I actually like OK Go videos.
They're such a clever band.
- Hey, Tammy. - Hi, Tammy.
Hey, Matt. Hey, Jake.
"The writers of the note have shit for brains.
They act like they're tough but have no game."
"They wouldn't know what to do with good coffee
"if it bit them in the...
Ass.
I guess I should get back to the grind.
Peace.
What?
_
Fuck me! I emailed Christian!
Come in.
I received an email.
I have to say, I was a bit, um, surprised.
Most people would never dare to send me such an email.
So...
I guess I just have one question.
What is up with John and the comb?
Oh!
Um.
Well, yes. So...
Earlier this week,
I saw John drop a comb out of his pocket.
Okay, first of all...
What?
Why would a bald man have a comb?
That's what I was wondering!
Then when I tried to give it back,
he denied the comb was his.
Oh, okay, now this is just getting weird.
- So I come in this morning... - Oh, this is today?
I'm sorry. I'm interrupting. You go.
And I'm in the parking garage,
and I see him sitting in his car
combing his bald head.
I am freaking out right now!
- I could flip. - I'm not done.
This is where it gets really weird.
He started combing an invisible
pony tail!
High and tight, or side?
Hard to say.
But I could tell he was imagining bangs!
Now that is haunting!
By the way, have you ever noticed
how in meetings he always says,
"Oh, I was just thinking that."
You know, I was just thinking that.
- I was just thinking that. - I was thinking that.
No, really, I was. I was thinking that.
What rhymes with coffee other than toffee?
- Law degree. - Nope.
That's an approximate rhyme, Jake, okay?
Tammy may trade in AABCD rhyme schemes
but we're better than that.
What about Gaddafi?
Actually, that's pretty good. We'll go with Gaddafi.
Can you believe she said that?
Oh, I can believe it.
And that's the problem.
What a buffoon!
Also, it's like, who asked you?
I've been working on an impression for you.
Guess who this is.
I love my cat. And I wanna die.
Jake!
Ding, ding, ding!
_
What if we put hidden spikes in the saddles
that spring out if someone tries to steal the horse?
Any experienced horse thief
would just remove the saddle and ride bareback.
You know, I was just thinking that.
You ever notice how loudly
Matt and Jake talk to each other during meetings?
I hear every word.
What a pair of buffoons.
And now, I have this huge stack of complaints
that all started because
fucking Tad replied all to an email.
Huh.
Now people keep replying all to say,
"Stop replying all."
It's chaos.
Oh.
You know who we somehow never talk about?
- Who? - Kate.
Sometimes, she can be a little, um...
much... don't you think?
Yeah.
Sometimes I wonder
if she can be a little bit...
Too much?
She thinks she's the Hermione Granger
of Hampton DeVille when really...
she's Neville Longbottom.
Obviously, I'm Dumbledore.
Or maybe Harry.
If he's older and better looking.
Grace.
Finally!
I have been looking everywhere for you.
We have to talk.
Um, yeah, sure. Let's do it.
And then he started
combing an invisible pony tail,
and I could tell he was imagining bangs.
Oh, my God. Wow!
That's totally crazy.
Right?
Hey, you haven't eaten your half of the cookie.
Mm. Yeah.
I... I went to an
all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet.
- It... do you want my half? - No.
Hey, so your turn.
I feel like I haven't seen you all week.
Actually,
I've had a weirdly good week,
so nothing really to report?
I'm sorry, Kate.
I feel like my good week has ruined your day.
But if you have anything else to share,
by all means, let her rip.
No. No, I mean, it's not fair
for me to dump all over you.
You should enjoy your good week.
I'm sure it won't last
with all these buffoons around here.
Yeah.
Buffoons.
You've gotten really good at calligraphy.
- Stop it. - You know I won't.
And you know I don't want you to.
Morning, Matt. Morning, Jake.
Morning, Daniel.
"It is against Hampton DeVille policy
to post unauthorized messages on the building walls."
"Cease and desist."
"Signed, Daniel.
Building Management."
So as you can see, we will have horses
galloping buck wild
across every major American city.
Users can locate one by looking at a map,
or simply looking around for a horse
- in an urban environment. - That's right.
And now lucky as a horseshoe,
we have developed a prototype of the app.
So if everyone wants to pull out their phone...
Whoa...
Oh.
This is not my comb.
Who... who put this...
who put this in here... my pocket?
Oh, you guys think it's funny
to plant a comb in the pocket of a man with no hair?
Well, let me ask you this.
Would you plant a pair of skis
in the pocket of a man with no legs?
Or for that matter, in the pocket of a woman with no legs?
I don't think so. Pockets are very small.
Especially women's pockets.
You know, sometimes women don't even have pockets at all.
I personally hope so many women
who honestly would kill to have a pocket...
And I'm keeping the comb.
Not that I'll ever use it of course.
Why would I? I don't have any hair.
Anyone with hair can see that.
Wow.
Let me explain.
Last week I saw John combing his head in the parking garage,
and I went to email you about it,
but I emailed Christian by mistake.
And it just took on a life of its own.
So you...
knew about the comb, and you didn't tell me.
I was going to but then I just...
No!
It's okay.
I mean, you can talk shit
with whoever you want about whomever you want.
Obviously, we never talked shit about you.
Of course you didn't.
Oh, by the way,
I don't have time for tea and cookies today.
Oh. Okay.
Well, that works out great
because I have to get ready
for a gala I'm attending tonight.
With Christian.
Deville.
- Cool. - Yeah, it is cool.
Ice cool.
"We stand together against your tyranny."
"We don't give a shit about your decree."
"We'll post what we want just to be spiteful."
"And your frustration we'll find delightful."
"Eat shit,
"and also,
drink piss."
You have a gift with words, Tammy.
Stop it, Matt.
It's your calligraphy that really sells it.
Oh, I'd deny it if I could but I can't.
I am not playing games here.
If the three of you don't stop,
there will be serious consequences.
Well, that was aggressive without being passive.
What's that called?
I guess the fun is over.
Yeah.
The fun is over.
But the fun was fun while it lasted.
It was pretty fun fun.
Yeah.
We all know that feeling...
when you walk into the bathroom in your socks
and you step in a little puddle of water.
There's nothing worse.
Well, maybe expect my mother's cooking.
His mother's cooking? What a hack.
That's why I invented Bathroom Socks...
the revolutionary socks
made out of moisture wicking material.
I wish this kid got lost in the dryer.
As I can see now, you guys love socks too.
Oh, thank you.
- You wanna split this? - Oh, God no.
I paid $4 million for this evening.
You'd think they could serve a better dessert
than the free shit they give you in business class.
So, who's ready to step into the future
of the sock industry?
Ugh, a pun.
I wish I could pun-ch him in the face.
Have a good night, Grace.
You too, Kate.
You know what's really been pissing me off lately?
Grace.
She can be a bit much.
You're being too easy on her.
I think Grace can be a liar,
a cheater,
and a dirty scoundrel who doesn't know a good thing
when it's right in front of her stupid face.
And she always takes the bigger half of the cookie.
God, I hate her.
But do you know who also
can be a bit much?
Kate.
She can be more than a little
jealous,
and possessive.
I mean, it's like,
let your friends have other friends already.
You know who sucks even worse
than Grace or Kate?
Christian.
He hates children.
He's heartless.
And he does these terrible impressions.
Here's my impression of Christian.
Can I trouble any of you buffoons for a mint?
I have lobster breath.
I missed you so much.
I missed you too.
Oh, I rode a horse to work today.
Felt good to do my part for the environment.
Oh, so that's why you smell like horse shit.
- Yeah. - Hey, Matt. Hey, Jake.
Hey, Tammy.
Hello, Daniel.
You guys, what did I tell you about the notes?
"We hope you'll consider reversing your decree.
We'd hate for your wife, Brenda, to see these."
Tammy, I thought we agreed the fun was over.
Oh, following Daniel after work
and discovering him cheating on his lovely wife wasn't fun.
But it worked, right?
Well, catch you guys later.
Let me know who you wanna take down next.
Peace.
You know who can be a bit much? Tammy.
Seriously. She can't even make coffee.
It's a simple water to grounds ratio.
Maybe you should spend less time stalking Daniel
and more time doing your job.
Yeah, maybe next time stalk a barista.
Did you hear that Matt
started calling himself a calligraphist?
He's a messy Ren Faire bitch, and he knows it.
credits