1
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_

2
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_

3
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_

4
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? Happy birthday to you ?

5
00:00:09,246 --> 00:00:13,616
? Happy birthday to you ?

6
00:00:13,685 --> 00:00:18,623
? Happy birthday, dear Jake ?

7
00:00:18,692 --> 00:00:23,596
? Happy birthday to you ?

8
00:00:23,666 --> 00:00:25,267
Make a wish, Jakey boy.

9
00:00:31,628 --> 00:00:34,296
I wish you could stay our
perfect little boy forever.

10
00:00:34,321 --> 00:00:35,917
Good night, Super Bowl champ.

11
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You're my favorite sports boy.

12
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- Go, Giants.
- Good night, Dad.

13
00:00:40,012 --> 00:00:41,279
Go, Giants.

14
00:00:43,535 --> 00:00:44,869
Do you think he has pubes yet?

15
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I don't think so.

16
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Happy birthday, Jake.

17
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Oh, don't worry.
I'm not here to hurt you.

18
00:00:57,196 --> 00:01:00,165
I'm actually here to give you
one more birthday gift...

19
00:01:00,536 --> 00:01:02,636
the truth about life.

20
00:01:02,706 --> 00:01:05,808
Well, your parents like
to tell you that life is good

21
00:01:05,877 --> 00:01:07,645
and that you're worthy of love.

22
00:01:07,677 --> 00:01:10,745
But your parents are lying liars.

23
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Remember when they told
you Santa Claus was real?

24
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That was extra fucked up
because you're Jewish.

25
00:01:16,983 --> 00:01:18,542
I'm Jewish, too.

26
00:01:18,567 --> 00:01:23,004
Anyway, I'm here to tell you
that life is fundamentally bad.

27
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But don't let that get you down.

28
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I'm your new best friend,

29
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and I'll be with you
the rest of your life

30
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till the day you die, Sports Boy.

31
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Oh, and by the way, you suck at sports.

32
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Oh, well,

33
00:01:37,755 --> 00:01:39,873
thanks for telling me, Black Dog.

34
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No problem, buddy. Have a good night.

35
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Oh, I almost forgot.

36
00:01:43,979 --> 00:01:45,646
You have insomnia now,

37
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so it will actually be
a pretty bad night.

38
00:01:52,951 --> 00:01:56,276
_

39
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You know, a 30-minute
workout is just 2% of your day.

40
00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:01,504
You can't possibly think

41
00:02:01,529 --> 00:02:03,925
you're gonna convince me
to go to the gym during lunch.

42
00:02:03,950 --> 00:02:06,051
Come on, you could lose weight.

43
00:02:06,076 --> 00:02:08,077
I lost seven pounds in six weeks.

44
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At this rate, I'll lose
more pounds in more weeks.

45
00:02:11,205 --> 00:02:13,791
Thanks, but I actually lost
a bunch of weight recently.

46
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My belt stopped fitting around my neck

47
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the same way that it used to.

48
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Well, for the record, I tried
to help you feel better.

49
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Was that a suicide joke
or a masturbation joke?

50
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What's the difference?
We're all gonna die.

51
00:02:26,495 --> 00:02:27,659
Attaboy!

52
00:02:40,108 --> 00:02:46,281
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

53
00:03:13,534 --> 00:03:14,794
I'm proud of myself.

54
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:16,714
I finally got you to come to the gym.

55
00:03:16,923 --> 00:03:18,679
It had nothing to do with you.

56
00:03:18,704 --> 00:03:21,406
Getting swole has been
in my calendar forever.

57
00:03:21,431 --> 00:03:23,232
Now I've just got to convince
Jake to come.

58
00:03:23,302 --> 00:03:25,103
Ugh. If you really want to help Jake,

59
00:03:25,128 --> 00:03:26,573
convince him to go on meds.

60
00:03:26,688 --> 00:03:28,755
I've been trying for years.

61
00:03:28,780 --> 00:03:30,614
You think Jake should be on meds?

62
00:03:30,684 --> 00:03:33,986
He jokes about killing
himself ten times a day.

63
00:03:34,056 --> 00:03:35,904
Don't you ever worry about him?

64
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There was this one time when
Jake was late to pick me up.

65
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You know how he's always on time.

66
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Well, he was five minutes late,

67
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and I immediately assumed
he'd killed himself.

68
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I imagined myself at his funeral.

69
00:03:47,962 --> 00:03:50,501
And I gave a pretty good eulogy.

70
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It could make you laugh,
it could make you cry.

71
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By the time he finally showed up,
I was genuinely disappointed.

72
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'cause it was some of the best writing

73
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I've ever done in my life.

74
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I got back into
creative writing after that.

75
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I wrote a couple short
stories, half a novella.

76
00:04:01,986 --> 00:04:04,197
If you wanted to read them,
I could email them to you.

77
00:04:04,222 --> 00:04:06,925
Matt, do not send me your short stories.

78
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I'll send 'em over.

79
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It has come to our attention
that our logo bears

80
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a slight resemblance to an evil
company's logo in a video game.

81
00:04:16,678 --> 00:04:19,179
Yeah, personally, I don't see it.

82
00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:22,236
But the gamer community wants
all of our heads on sticks.

83
00:04:22,261 --> 00:04:25,596
So our goal is to
redirect gamers' hatred

84
00:04:25,621 --> 00:04:27,193
away from us and back towards women.

85
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Just as God intended.

86
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Christian wants us to explore
the idea of a new logo.

87
00:04:32,921 --> 00:04:35,262
- Yeah.
- Every logo begins with a shape.

88
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So let's look at some shapes

89
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and just do a little free association.

90
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- Okay, let's do it.
- Okay? All right.

91
00:04:42,826 --> 00:04:44,593
- How about a cylinder?
- Cylinder!

92
00:04:44,663 --> 00:04:46,130
Uh, Pringles.

93
00:04:46,233 --> 00:04:47,934
Uh, once you pop, the fun don't stop.

94
00:04:48,004 --> 00:04:49,938
Uh, bop it, twist it...

95
00:04:50,008 --> 00:04:51,775
A metal pipe to bludgeon myself with

96
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so I can get out of this meeting.

97
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Right round, baby, right round.

98
00:04:55,152 --> 00:04:57,253
- How about a rectangle?
- Rectangle.

99
00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:58,356
Uh, a door.

100
00:04:58,426 --> 00:05:00,839
Uh, uh... no, no, no. The Doors!

101
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The coffin I'll be resting peacefully in

102
00:05:02,957 --> 00:05:04,602
after I bludgeon myself to death.

103
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Legendary bands. Maroon 5!

104
00:05:08,435 --> 00:05:09,683
Uh, how about a semi-circle?

105
00:05:09,708 --> 00:05:13,417
Semi-charmed kind of life.
Third Eye Blind.

106
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The tombstone above my grave
that reads "here lies Jake.

107
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He died doing what he hated,
being alive."

108
00:05:18,962 --> 00:05:21,698
Do you realize you joke about
suicide, like, ten times a day?

109
00:05:21,767 --> 00:05:24,269
No, I joke about suicide
six times a day.

110
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The other four are sincere threats.

111
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Whoo!

112
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Getting amped up now.

113
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Ooh, amps? Electric guitar?

114
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Bands? Maroon 5!

115
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John, shut the fuck up!

116
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Ugh.

117
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Are you gonna clean that
bird shit off your windshield?

118
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I can see fine.

119
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:48,213
Why don't you just use your wiper fluid?

120
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I don't think my car has that.

121
00:05:50,020 --> 00:05:51,655
Isn't it this?

122
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Oh. Weird.

123
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Well, whatever.

124
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I guess now I won't die
in a car accident.

125
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Thanks a lot, Matt.

126
00:06:04,254 --> 00:06:05,554
Maybe you should go on meds.

127
00:06:06,338 --> 00:06:07,416
There it is.

128
00:06:07,441 --> 00:06:10,821
Yet another good friend who
insists you lobotomize yourself

129
00:06:10,846 --> 00:06:12,480
by going on meds.

130
00:06:12,505 --> 00:06:14,721
Well, I'd happily swallow
a cyanide pill right now

131
00:06:14,746 --> 00:06:16,547
if it would get me out
of this conversation.

132
00:06:16,914 --> 00:06:18,676
Jake, you're miserable.

133
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There are easy things that you
could do to improve your life.

134
00:06:22,068 --> 00:06:25,270
And I'm gonna help you do them,
whether you like it or not.

135
00:06:25,295 --> 00:06:26,995
And you're gonna like it!

136
00:06:27,173 --> 00:06:29,709
You know, I had a lot of
lovely things to say about you

137
00:06:29,734 --> 00:06:31,031
in my suicide note,

138
00:06:31,056 --> 00:06:33,687
but I might have to revise it
if you keep trying to fix me

139
00:06:33,712 --> 00:06:35,680
like some modern-day Mary Poppins.

140
00:06:35,819 --> 00:06:38,488
I'm not Mary Poppins. I'm Matty Poppins.

141
00:06:38,513 --> 00:06:40,181
And I'm going to jam
that spoonful of sugar

142
00:06:40,206 --> 00:06:42,407
down your fucking throat
until the medicine goes down.

143
00:06:42,900 --> 00:06:46,158
Oh, and it will not be easy,
but it will go down.

144
00:06:46,183 --> 00:06:47,250
I'm fine with that,

145
00:06:47,275 --> 00:06:48,508
as long as it leads to me ODing.

146
00:06:48,907 --> 00:06:50,174
Nice!

147
00:06:50,199 --> 00:06:53,334
Four suicide jokes in a row.
You're on fire.

148
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Home, disgusting home.

149
00:07:04,327 --> 00:07:05,927
Hi, Pebbles.

150
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:11,247
Well, don't clean it.

151
00:07:11,385 --> 00:07:13,557
The cat's just gonna shit in it again.

152
00:07:13,582 --> 00:07:15,950
- It smells pretty bad.
- Right, but only to you.

153
00:07:16,149 --> 00:07:17,596
Great point.

154
00:07:17,621 --> 00:07:20,026
I only make great points.

155
00:07:28,279 --> 00:07:29,043
Matt?

156
00:07:29,068 --> 00:07:30,379
But I dropped you off at your house.

157
00:07:30,404 --> 00:07:31,522
What are you doing at mine?

158
00:07:31,547 --> 00:07:32,571
Never mind all that.

159
00:07:32,596 --> 00:07:34,063
Out of the way you go.

160
00:07:37,292 --> 00:07:39,478
No wonder you're clinically depressed.

161
00:07:39,503 --> 00:07:41,137
This place is a mess!

162
00:07:41,322 --> 00:07:42,589
But don't despair.

163
00:07:42,614 --> 00:07:44,777
We'll simply clean up your lair.

164
00:07:45,074 --> 00:07:47,309
No, I'll never accept your help.

165
00:07:48,849 --> 00:07:50,761
If I had a tuppence
for every time I've heard that,

166
00:07:50,786 --> 00:07:52,320
I could buy a lorry.

167
00:07:52,523 --> 00:07:55,291
? The cure for your depression ?

168
00:07:55,361 --> 00:07:58,419
? Is to change your expression ?

169
00:07:58,444 --> 00:08:01,435
? From a frown to a smile ?

170
00:08:01,505 --> 00:08:04,495
? Take a tip from this dapper Gentile ?

171
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:07,990
? If you think the world is
a pointless mess ?

172
00:08:08,015 --> 00:08:10,566
? Simply choose not to stress ?

173
00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:13,598
? And you'll see it's easy ?

174
00:08:13,625 --> 00:08:16,927
? As changing your brain chemistry ?

175
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:20,332
If all you eat is junk,
no wonder you're in a funk.

176
00:08:20,402 --> 00:08:22,091
But if you eat organic,

177
00:08:22,116 --> 00:08:24,928
your self-hatred won't be so volcanic.

178
00:08:25,944 --> 00:08:28,780
If you resolve your deep-seated issues,

179
00:08:28,805 --> 00:08:31,162
you'll have no more use for tissues.

180
00:08:32,325 --> 00:08:34,188
And if you right your poster,

181
00:08:34,213 --> 00:08:36,883
there'll be no need to bathe
with your toaster.

182
00:08:51,190 --> 00:08:53,258
That was a tricky little fellow.

183
00:08:55,265 --> 00:08:58,857
You know, a 30-minute workout
is just 2% of your day.

184
00:08:58,882 --> 00:09:04,732
? Your simple objective is
to change your perspective ?

185
00:09:04,757 --> 00:09:07,692
? A frown becomes a smile ?

186
00:09:07,717 --> 00:09:10,819
? When you pretend
that life is worthwhile ?

187
00:09:10,844 --> 00:09:14,202
? If you think the world
is an open sewer ?

188
00:09:14,227 --> 00:09:16,695
? Just put your clothes in the drawer ?

189
00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:18,432
- ? And you'll see ?
- ? And you'll see ?

190
00:09:18,502 --> 00:09:20,069
- ? It's easy ?
- ? It's easy ?

191
00:09:20,106 --> 00:09:23,184
? To stop thinking
the thoughts that you think ?

192
00:09:30,983 --> 00:09:34,788
These fucking refs don't know
what they're fucking talking about.

193
00:09:36,901 --> 00:09:38,572
What the fuck are you doing here?

194
00:09:38,697 --> 00:09:40,298
I brought you leafy greens.

195
00:09:40,509 --> 00:09:42,443
I read on the cover
of "Men's Health" magazine

196
00:09:42,468 --> 00:09:44,781
that a healthy diet
can help alleviate depression.

197
00:09:44,851 --> 00:09:47,130
Jake, just let me help you
turn your life around!

198
00:09:47,689 --> 00:09:49,029
Matt, stop it!

199
00:09:49,054 --> 00:09:50,804
Jake, eat the lettuce.
It's good for you.

200
00:09:50,836 --> 00:09:53,466
I only eat food off
the floor on my terms!

201
00:09:54,535 --> 00:09:56,135
Stop it!

202
00:09:56,986 --> 00:09:59,975
I talked to my doctor, got on Shrilanka,

203
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,568
and now I can enjoy life again.

204
00:10:02,716 --> 00:10:05,117
You know ads like this are
illegal in other countries?

205
00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:07,188
I can't believe anyone takes that shit.

206
00:10:07,367 --> 00:10:09,067
Jake, are you not on meds?

207
00:10:09,095 --> 00:10:10,195
Yeah, I'm on meds,

208
00:10:10,265 --> 00:10:11,698
and I'm way less fucked up than you are.

209
00:10:11,768 --> 00:10:12,863
What are you, like,

210
00:10:12,888 --> 00:10:15,706
a Jewish-Amish-Scientologist
-Christian Scientist?

211
00:10:15,731 --> 00:10:18,266
Sorry if I don't want to deal
with the insane side effects.

212
00:10:18,291 --> 00:10:19,524
It's really not that bad.

213
00:10:19,549 --> 00:10:22,351
It just get really dizzy
if I get up too fast.

214
00:10:22,376 --> 00:10:24,643
So now I just get up like this.

215
00:10:29,233 --> 00:10:30,354
Well, whatever.

216
00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:31,987
I don't want my personality lobotomized

217
00:10:32,012 --> 00:10:33,279
by some stupid pill.

218
00:10:33,304 --> 00:10:35,439
You don't even like your personality.

219
00:10:35,464 --> 00:10:37,165
You hate yourself more than anyone.

220
00:10:37,205 --> 00:10:38,197
Oh, let me guess.

221
00:10:38,222 --> 00:10:40,251
You're worried it's gonna kill
your sex drive?

222
00:10:40,276 --> 00:10:41,476
So what if I am?

223
00:10:41,509 --> 00:10:44,859
Oh, you like having sex? Grow up.

224
00:10:44,884 --> 00:10:47,613
I bet he's also afraid
it's gonna kill his creativity.

225
00:10:47,638 --> 00:10:49,190
Oh, yeah, I forgot!

226
00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:51,503
Jake is a world-renowned artist.

227
00:10:51,636 --> 00:10:53,370
Okay. Got it.

228
00:10:53,395 --> 00:10:55,440
Thanks for much for the lecture, guys.

229
00:10:56,777 --> 00:10:59,245
Then boom. Once you're up, you're up.

230
00:10:59,457 --> 00:11:01,725
And I can stay up for as long as I want.

231
00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:04,618
So here are all the shapes

232
00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:06,598
Christian has rejected.

233
00:11:07,101 --> 00:11:09,102
So now we have to come up with a new,

234
00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:11,039
totally original shape.

235
00:11:11,064 --> 00:11:13,196
So who wants to step up to the plate

236
00:11:13,221 --> 00:11:14,888
and take a shot at a new shape?

237
00:11:14,913 --> 00:11:17,014
Sherri? Grab a Sharpie.

238
00:11:17,530 --> 00:11:19,914
Go ahead and right this ship Sherri.

239
00:11:21,497 --> 00:11:24,448
Okay, a line. Great start to any shape.

240
00:11:24,473 --> 00:11:26,775
Looks like someone went to art school.

241
00:11:28,227 --> 00:11:29,527
Are you drugging me now?

242
00:11:29,596 --> 00:11:31,904
- It's just vitamin D.
- Matt, enough already.

243
00:11:31,937 --> 00:11:34,372
Step aside and show us
your shape, Sherri.

244
00:11:37,271 --> 00:11:38,676
A trapezoid?

245
00:11:38,701 --> 00:11:41,136
You think you invented
the fucking trapezoid, Sherri?

246
00:11:41,161 --> 00:11:42,428
If you invented the trapezoid,

247
00:11:42,453 --> 00:11:43,953
it wouldn't be called a trapezoid.

248
00:11:43,978 --> 00:11:45,078
It would be called a Sherri.

249
00:11:45,103 --> 00:11:46,251
And you wouldn't be here.

250
00:11:46,276 --> 00:11:47,570
You'd be drowning in money,

251
00:11:47,595 --> 00:11:49,101
shouting for a ship to bring you ashore.

252
00:11:49,137 --> 00:11:50,243
It's a sham shape.

253
00:11:50,268 --> 00:11:53,300
Surrender the Sharpie,
sit down, and shut up, Sherri!

254
00:11:53,325 --> 00:11:54,787
If it's so good for you, you drink it.

255
00:11:54,812 --> 00:11:56,097
No, Jake. It's for you to drink.

256
00:11:56,122 --> 00:11:58,465
Hey, what's going on over here, Jake?

257
00:11:58,878 --> 00:11:59,802
Matt started it.

258
00:11:59,827 --> 00:12:02,061
Oh, what is this? Kindergarten?

259
00:12:02,098 --> 00:12:04,065
We're trying to do real adult work here,

260
00:12:04,068 --> 00:12:05,102
coming up with shapes.

261
00:12:05,127 --> 00:12:06,661
You look like shit, Jake.

262
00:12:06,686 --> 00:12:08,353
Have you even shower or shaved?

263
00:12:08,378 --> 00:12:10,670
If you don't shape up,
we're gonna ship you out.

264
00:12:10,783 --> 00:12:12,350
And same goes for you, Sherri!

265
00:12:15,492 --> 00:12:17,826
Shit. Sorry, Sherri.

266
00:12:19,142 --> 00:12:21,176
I mean, what are the chances
he even changes the logo?

267
00:12:21,378 --> 00:12:23,379
- He loves that logo.
- Yeah, no chance.

268
00:12:23,404 --> 00:12:26,324
Hey, guys, um, I just wanted to say,

269
00:12:26,349 --> 00:12:28,543
I think you were a little hard
on Jake back there.

270
00:12:28,568 --> 00:12:30,403
Um, you know how depressed he is.

271
00:12:30,428 --> 00:12:33,100
And lately,
he's stopped going to therapy,

272
00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:34,771
and I'm just a little worried
that he might...

273
00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:37,218
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

274
00:12:37,243 --> 00:12:38,554
Hold the phone.

275
00:12:39,489 --> 00:12:43,826
If you're saying that Jake
might be clinically...

276
00:12:43,851 --> 00:12:44,804
Down in the dumps.

277
00:12:44,829 --> 00:12:46,729
And is in any way thinking
of committing...

278
00:12:46,839 --> 00:12:48,507
A darn shame.

279
00:12:48,583 --> 00:12:52,887
As his immediate supervisors,
we take that very seriously...

280
00:12:52,957 --> 00:12:54,490
as a legal liability.

281
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:59,478
Well, not to mention that
if Jake were to... God forbid...

282
00:12:59,516 --> 00:13:01,150
he ain't getting into Heaven.

283
00:13:01,175 --> 00:13:02,934
Thems the rules and the breaks.

284
00:13:02,959 --> 00:13:05,231
Maybe the best thing
is just to let him go.

285
00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:07,334
We don't want any more blood
on our blouses.

286
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:10,124
No, I-I really don't think
you need to do that.

287
00:13:10,127 --> 00:13:12,795
I honestly just think that
he could use a little exercise.

288
00:13:12,865 --> 00:13:14,906
Exercise. That's perfect.

289
00:13:14,931 --> 00:13:16,331
We'll make Jake go to the gym.

290
00:13:16,356 --> 00:13:18,524
That way we can say we made
a concerted effort

291
00:13:18,549 --> 00:13:20,222
to address any mental-health issues.

292
00:13:20,247 --> 00:13:21,651
We'll run him like a dog.

293
00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:24,127
Get his muscles so sore,
he can't even lift a gun.

294
00:13:24,152 --> 00:13:26,220
Perfect. Jake will love the gym.

295
00:13:26,245 --> 00:13:28,204
- Treadmill!
- Do some swimming!

296
00:13:28,229 --> 00:13:30,354
Free weights and cardio!

297
00:13:30,379 --> 00:13:31,679
And the showers afterwards.

298
00:13:31,704 --> 00:13:33,627
- Yeah.
- We'll all take showers.

299
00:13:41,293 --> 00:13:43,895
Sorry we had to take
the drawstring out of those.

300
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,169
But this feels great, right?

301
00:13:46,195 --> 00:13:47,622
Aren't you loving the pain?

302
00:13:47,647 --> 00:13:49,148
Keep your eyes on the prize, Jake!

303
00:13:49,173 --> 00:13:50,436
There's no shortcuts to Heaven.

304
00:13:50,461 --> 00:13:52,462
We're gonna get that ass so tight,

305
00:13:52,487 --> 00:13:54,687
the Man Upstairs
begs you to come upstairs!

306
00:13:54,712 --> 00:13:55,819
You can do it, Jake.

307
00:13:55,844 --> 00:13:58,616
You know, a 30-minute workout
is just 2% of your day.

308
00:14:00,244 --> 00:14:02,362
Or you could just stop right now.

309
00:14:06,203 --> 00:14:07,604
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

310
00:14:07,674 --> 00:14:09,330
- Come on, buddy.
- Jake.

311
00:14:10,007 --> 00:14:11,531
Here's some ice to help the swelling.

312
00:14:11,556 --> 00:14:14,245
Matt, that is the last thing
we need right now.

313
00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:16,137
What happened out there could be seen

314
00:14:16,162 --> 00:14:19,197
as an attempted whoopsie-daisy
on company premises,

315
00:14:19,222 --> 00:14:22,892
and if someone reported it,
it could be Ashley all over again.

316
00:14:22,917 --> 00:14:24,268
Or Marcus and Mario.

317
00:14:24,293 --> 00:14:26,092
Well, they really did
everything together.

318
00:14:26,117 --> 00:14:28,485
- Except seek help.
- I didn't try to kill myself.

319
00:14:28,510 --> 00:14:31,278
Hey, it's not us you have to convince.

320
00:14:31,303 --> 00:14:33,738
It's Saint Peter, and he don't play.

321
00:14:33,763 --> 00:14:36,164
Why don't you take a week off work?

322
00:14:36,189 --> 00:14:37,977
That should give you some
time to dry out

323
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:39,770
and come back happy as a clam.

324
00:14:39,795 --> 00:14:41,333
I don't need time off. I'm fine.

325
00:14:41,358 --> 00:14:43,574
Oh, no. It's not for your benefit.

326
00:14:43,599 --> 00:14:45,166
It's a legal precaution.

327
00:14:45,191 --> 00:14:46,933
It's a darn shame
you won't be paid, though.

328
00:14:46,958 --> 00:14:49,394
But it will give you
some time alone to think.

329
00:14:49,566 --> 00:14:52,031
Although when I'm alone,

330
00:14:52,093 --> 00:14:54,633
I just start thinking
about where the trash goes.

331
00:14:54,755 --> 00:14:57,523
All those pudding cups from my youth...

332
00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:58,962
where are they now?

333
00:14:58,987 --> 00:15:02,462
Still out there,
filling the landfills...

334
00:15:03,053 --> 00:15:04,976
choking the oceans.

335
00:15:05,190 --> 00:15:06,280
The birds.

336
00:15:06,727 --> 00:15:08,116
Nope! Nope!

337
00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:09,155
None of those thoughts.

338
00:15:09,180 --> 00:15:10,804
Let's go, team. Keep it moving.

339
00:15:10,829 --> 00:15:12,260
Moves like Jagger! Maroon 5!

340
00:15:12,285 --> 00:15:13,449
John!

341
00:15:14,887 --> 00:15:16,887
_

342
00:15:19,902 --> 00:15:21,088
Don't answer.

343
00:15:21,158 --> 00:15:24,226
They're the reason you're
like this in the first place.

344
00:15:26,005 --> 00:15:28,459
Oh, let's see if there's
anything in the fridge.

345
00:15:28,484 --> 00:15:29,842
Ah, of course there isn't.

346
00:15:29,881 --> 00:15:32,513
You haven't been to the store
in six months.

347
00:15:32,671 --> 00:15:34,672
It's crazy you can't find a girlfriend,

348
00:15:34,828 --> 00:15:37,630
considering what a lovely place
you have here

349
00:15:37,655 --> 00:15:40,924
and, of course,
your sparkling personality.

350
00:15:41,094 --> 00:15:44,363
? Clearly everything is fine ?

351
00:15:44,433 --> 00:15:47,941
This team sucks even more than you.

352
00:15:47,966 --> 00:15:51,602
? Everyone else is wrong ?

353
00:15:51,711 --> 00:15:55,147
? Even though they're happier
when we lose ?

354
00:15:55,172 --> 00:15:57,306
Not this bullshit again.

355
00:15:57,421 --> 00:16:01,090
I talked to my doctor,
got on Shrilanka, and now...

356
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,211
I'm gonna take a dump.

357
00:16:03,876 --> 00:16:07,979
Shrilanka is not for everyone...

358
00:16:08,004 --> 00:16:11,507
Hey, Jake, I'm sorry for
trying to force you to change.

359
00:16:11,576 --> 00:16:13,904
I did it 'cause I really care about you,

360
00:16:13,929 --> 00:16:17,331
but also, I probably wanted
to feel like a hero, too.

361
00:16:17,356 --> 00:16:19,691
I hope you and your face are doing okay.

362
00:16:19,817 --> 00:16:22,085
If you need anything, I'm here for you.

363
00:16:22,154 --> 00:16:25,110
Love, your annoying friend, Matt.

364
00:16:26,806 --> 00:16:29,073
No, Matt, I'm the annoying one.

365
00:16:29,098 --> 00:16:31,299
I really do appreciate you
trying to help me.

366
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:33,018
I know I probably should go on meds,

367
00:16:33,043 --> 00:16:35,160
but I'm scared I won't be me anymore,

368
00:16:35,185 --> 00:16:36,450
even though I don't really like

369
00:16:36,475 --> 00:16:38,275
who me is most of the time.

370
00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:40,349
But maybe it's time I finally...

371
00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:43,610
Wow. You really suck at writing.

372
00:16:43,990 --> 00:16:46,658
I can't believe you majored in English.

373
00:16:46,683 --> 00:16:47,456
Look at me.

374
00:16:47,481 --> 00:16:50,558
I think I'm Raymond Carver
or Mark Twain or something.

375
00:16:51,434 --> 00:16:52,854
By the way, I was wondering,

376
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:56,857
which of your ex-girlfriends do
you think resents you the most?

377
00:16:58,716 --> 00:17:00,650
- Pebbles.
- Wow.

378
00:17:00,901 --> 00:17:02,969
Even your cat doesn't love you.

379
00:17:04,682 --> 00:17:07,217
Hey. Pebbles loves me.

380
00:17:07,242 --> 00:17:09,361
Then why did she piss on your floor?

381
00:17:09,851 --> 00:17:13,549
Because you told me not
to clean her litter box.

382
00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:15,008
Look, if you weren't here,

383
00:17:15,033 --> 00:17:17,543
she's be cuddling the coffee table leg

384
00:17:17,568 --> 00:17:19,676
or nuzzling the side of the toilet.

385
00:17:19,701 --> 00:17:22,246
Don't you dare talk about
my cat daughter like that.

386
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:24,354
Okay, Sports Boy.

387
00:17:24,379 --> 00:17:26,757
If you want to believe
your cat loves you, fine.

388
00:17:26,852 --> 00:17:29,454
But have I ever lied to you before?

389
00:17:36,248 --> 00:17:38,489
What the hell are you doing?

390
00:17:38,830 --> 00:17:40,208
I'm going for a jog.

391
00:17:42,044 --> 00:17:43,083
Good one.

392
00:17:43,413 --> 00:17:45,426
Okay, look, you made your point.

393
00:17:45,451 --> 00:17:47,848
I'm sorry I insulted your stupid cat.

394
00:17:47,873 --> 00:17:50,108
I know you don't want to go for a jog,

395
00:17:50,133 --> 00:17:53,302
not when you could take a nap
in your comfy bed.

396
00:17:53,327 --> 00:17:55,862
I can't nap because
you gave me insomnia.

397
00:17:55,887 --> 00:17:57,969
That doesn't mean you can't
curl up with a blanket,

398
00:17:57,994 --> 00:17:59,784
close your eyes, and think
about all your problems.

399
00:17:59,809 --> 00:18:00,995
Wait!

400
00:18:02,511 --> 00:18:04,846
You don't really want to go for a run.

401
00:18:04,871 --> 00:18:07,005
You're lazy and weak.

402
00:18:07,325 --> 00:18:10,627
But it's okay. I understand.

403
00:18:10,652 --> 00:18:13,020
Look, I know you better than
you know yourself.

404
00:18:13,045 --> 00:18:15,685
I've been watching over
you since you were a kid.

405
00:18:15,710 --> 00:18:17,877
In fact, I've been in
your family for centuries,

406
00:18:18,164 --> 00:18:20,899
watching over generation
after generation

407
00:18:21,117 --> 00:18:23,085
of depressed Levinsons.

408
00:18:23,154 --> 00:18:25,993
You won't leave, you can't leave,

409
00:18:26,018 --> 00:18:30,321
because you belong here
with me, Sports Boy.

410
00:18:33,104 --> 00:18:34,571
Wow.

411
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,608
You really suck at giving speeches.

412
00:18:36,678 --> 00:18:38,212
Huh?

413
00:18:38,281 --> 00:18:40,449
Well, guess I better get to it.

414
00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:42,887
As my best friend like to say,

415
00:18:42,923 --> 00:18:47,311
"You know, a 30-minute workout
is just 2% of your day."

416
00:18:47,664 --> 00:18:51,066
Sports Boy!

417
00:19:11,457 --> 00:19:14,269
_

418
00:19:16,404 --> 00:19:19,457
I talked to my doctor, got on Shrilanka,

419
00:19:19,482 --> 00:19:22,317
and now I can enjoy life again.

420
00:19:22,581 --> 00:19:25,616
So I finally read Matt's short stories,

421
00:19:25,686 --> 00:19:27,987
and I'm pretty sure he plagiarized them

422
00:19:28,057 --> 00:19:29,424
from Raymond Carver.

423
00:19:29,494 --> 00:19:31,362
We should totally get Matt on meds.

424
00:19:31,387 --> 00:19:33,088
That way he'll lose his creativity,

425
00:19:33,113 --> 00:19:34,637
and he'll stop writing forever.

426
00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:39,075
All right, back to the grind.

427
00:19:41,218 --> 00:19:43,619
Change is never easy,

428
00:19:43,689 --> 00:19:48,562
but we have finally decided
on a new shape for our logo.

429
00:19:48,587 --> 00:19:49,787
Square!

430
00:19:49,933 --> 00:19:51,148
It seems obvious now.

431
00:19:51,173 --> 00:19:52,840
It's like a four-sided triangle.

432
00:19:52,940 --> 00:19:56,760
So are we all okay with this shape?

433
00:19:56,785 --> 00:19:59,921
Jake, how does this shape make you feel?

434
00:20:00,152 --> 00:20:01,519
I feel fine.

435
00:20:01,588 --> 00:20:02,541
Oh, wow.

436
00:20:02,566 --> 00:20:03,766
It's a Chanukah miracle.

437
00:20:03,995 --> 00:20:05,228
Great. We're all set.

438
00:20:05,253 --> 00:20:08,355
So now all we have to do
is select a color.

439
00:20:08,735 --> 00:20:10,133
- Hmm.
- Should be simple.

440
00:20:10,158 --> 00:20:11,858
Sherri, want to get us started?

441
00:20:11,883 --> 00:20:13,438
Well, don't be shy, Sherri!

442
00:20:13,481 --> 00:20:15,482
Shimmy on up here and select a shade.

443
00:20:15,552 --> 00:20:17,287
So the meds seem to be working.

444
00:20:17,312 --> 00:20:18,579
I do feel a little better.

445
00:20:18,604 --> 00:20:20,810
I mean, I still think
everything is terrible

446
00:20:20,835 --> 00:20:21,716
and life is pointless,

447
00:20:21,741 --> 00:20:23,763
but it's just not that big
of a deal anymore.

448
00:20:23,855 --> 00:20:25,222
So, thanks.

449
00:20:25,316 --> 00:20:28,284
Well, then it looks like
my work here is done.

450
00:20:28,657 --> 00:20:30,458
It wasn't you, and the work's not done.

451
00:20:30,483 --> 00:20:32,439
Managing my depression
will take constant effort

452
00:20:32,464 --> 00:20:33,854
for the rest of my life.

453
00:20:33,879 --> 00:20:36,439
? No, Jake, you just misspoke ?

454
00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:39,471
? I annoyed you until you broke ?

455
00:20:39,496 --> 00:20:42,572
? I cured you of your sorrow ?

456
00:20:42,597 --> 00:20:45,599
? Which sad soul will I save tomorrow? ?

457
00:20:45,755 --> 00:20:49,124
? Now I'll fly away on my parasol ?

458
00:20:49,193 --> 00:20:51,528
? God, I hope I don't fall ?

459
00:20:51,598 --> 00:20:54,600
? But if I do, don't feel blue ?

460
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:58,773
? Just publish my short stories
posthumously ?

461
00:20:58,875 --> 00:21:04,170
CREDITS