Previously on "Wynonna Earp"...
He's my father.
Nicole Rayleigh Haught, I really, really love you.
And I really, really...
- hate this ring. - Is that a yes?
I can't handle seeing the looks on your faces if I fail.
Wynonna, what are you gonna do?!
Wynonna!
You're not the heir of anything anymore.
Waverly!
Wynonna!
She doesn't even have a weapon in there.
I am a weapon.
Who the hell is Valdez?
- Just tell me what we do. - Let's get them back.
You almost done?
I feel like I've been standing here for two years.
How'd you find me? Magical sword?
Buntline special?
- Fork yeah? - Eh, fork maybe.
You ready?
Let's go get our steps in.
Well, it snowed again.
Keep up, retirement shirt.
We need to make up some time.
You wanna get a little more specific on our plan here,
- Warrior Princess? - Yeah, sure!
Find and climb invisible stairs,
meet Waverly and Doc at a supernatural garden,
uh... locate the rest of our squad,
mosey on home, enjoy a curse-free life,
and I'm gonna look good doing it.
You and me both.
Holy shit, they're back.
Geez Louise, would you look at that.
I can't mess this up.
You won't.
You know, after this, we're gonna bring everyone home.
We're gonna bring Chrissy, we're gonna bring Nicole,
Jeremy, we're gonna make our little old town
a demon-free zone once and for all.
- Nedley? - Still not looking at your ass.
Here it goes.
One small step for MILF...
... one giant leap for MILF-kind.
Catch you later.
'Course you will.
You know why?
'Cause I'm Wynonna Earp.
Ah, dang it all to hell.
Oh, Waverly.
Wynonna!
- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -
Oh no.
No. No!
You do not get to vanish!
You are architecture!
- Wynonna! - Huh?
As far as you know, did anything else
- come out of the garden? - What in the Monkey Jesus?
Whatever they are,
they seem a little cheesed.
- Eat lead, fluffer-nutters. - No! Be careful!
Keep your panties on, Bernice, I was trained by Doc Holliday.
What the hell was that?
Does it hurt?
Uh...
You ever been bitten by a rabid mongoose?
A rabid mongoose?
No.
Ah.
Can you get me a first-aid kit?
Yeah. That's probably something we would have. Right?
You'd think. No, not here.
Maybe over here.
No Band-aids, no Bactine,
no rabies shots.
My friend, you're gonna die.
Well, I've had a good run.
I'm gonna check your bathroom.
Oh. Just turn on the fan, would you?
Valdez?
Ugh, carved into our wall, no less.
Well, that's... Yeah.
That's one way to leave a message.
Right? What kind of psychopath doesn't use a pen?
What kind of idiot doesn't own a pen?
Ugh. Nicole! Robin!
Guys! Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey!
Someone's coming, guys!
Attention citizens!
You are being evacuated for your own safety.
Come voluntarily, or we take you by force.
Not cool, bro!
That's not how the Force works!
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh no. The garden.
Final warning! Come out, or we come in!
Uh... Sorry? Gays only?
Drop the knife, drop it!
I hope that taser is set to tickle!
Found these.
Those are for the sisters, not the misters.
Well, they absorb blood, I'm bleeding.
Look. "For heavy flow".
Is that why you've been so moody and unpredictable?
That's really sexist.
I am the single dad
of a girl that got her first period at eleven.
And I've been shot six times.
Absorbent is as absorbent does.
Plus they have wings, so...
Remind me...
Why wasn't the rest of your posse there to help you?
Bulshar wasn't their fight.
I drugged them at the kitchen table.
Well, that's a felony.
You were trying to protect them.
What if I didn't? They're gone.
Nicole was wearing this...
... when we drank, before Bulshar.
She was smiling.
Waverly must've given this to her.
Given it, or...
... made a proposition?
Oh, my God.
Please be okay, Haught pants.
Wherever you are.
Ah, my head!
Oh, my God, I'm not on the homestead.
Wynonna Earp.
You little motherfu... Ow!
Okay...
Ugh!
I've used these beaver blasters.
You know, now is not the time for marital aids.
It's always time.
These are for busting beaver dams,
or anything else that gets in our way.
You got a sex toy
that can find a mysterious place no one else can?
It's called a G-spot, Nedley.
Like the stairs?
What do cops do when they lose something or someone?
Set up a search grid.
Yes, right!
Right after we kill whatever is in my kitchen.
Maybe it's Valdez.
Well then, he owes me a home reno,
because that tag is tacky as hell.
Whoa!
- Mercedes? - Ah! Wynonna!
- You could've killed me! - I know! Wasn't that amazing?
I've literally never thrown a knife before.
It's nice to see a familiar face.
What?
It is you in there, right?
Everything behind the tits.
- Kate?! - Hush!
The guards are lazy, but they like to throw hands.
Kate, I gotta get off this train.
Yeah, so did he.
Nicole, meet my French fried friend.
He found out the hard way that the latches are wired up
like a chair in Sing-Sing.
Electric locks? Who's in charge here?
Government. Private militia posing as government.
They forcibly evacuated everyone
who hadn't already left purgatory.
What about Mercedes?
She was supposed to look after you.
Cute thought. As soon as she heard the trucks,
girl took off faster than an actual Mercedes.
- And everyone else? - Well, it's hard to say.
I have to find Waverly, okay?
Last I heard, she and Wynonna were headed to find Bulshar.
At the garden.
So you need me to read for you. On a moving train?
- Please. - Okay, well, I need something
to establish connection with Waverly.
Do you have anything of hers?
I...
Yeah... Me.
And then, these manly black trucks
surrounded my house,
and Kate, she was like,
"No! You're too beautiful to die!"
And then I was like,
"No way, we are in this together".
So you guys totally boinked.
But I think she must've vampire mind-mushed me,
because the next thing I know, I am running away from the house
totally against my will.
You sure your brain wasn't pre-mushed?
And then I decided to come here,
and just wait for the friggin' heir to show up.
Well, I'm not the heir of anything anymore, Mercedes.
The curse is broken. I killed your demon hubby, Bulshar.
That's great! What did he leave me?
A disaster zone. Somehow, the garden opened up
- and sucked Waverly in. - Oh, good Lord.
I should've known that you weren't done
adding to the official Wynonna Earp Hot Mess file.
Too bad that file is long gone.
Well... no.
I hid it.
Alright, a little help, please.
No, it's not in there.
I didn't want Dolls' stuff to fall into the wrong hands.
That's where you hid our top-secret government files?
Nobody ever uses this couch.
What are we looking for?
Demons running amuck.
Uh, mystical portals to another worldly realm.
Towns getting evacuated.
Like Maldito, New Mexico.
Supernatural hellmouth
where demonic shit got so out of hand
they just bombed it to smithereens.
"They" who?
My former employer, the Black Badge Division.
And I thought my erotic book club was extra.
Shapiro, Eliza...
Lucado, Greg. Lucado, Jeannie.
Whole bunch of randoms.
Dolls kept records of his fallen colleagues.
Oh, my God, guys.
_
Gloria Valdez.
How did she carve up your wall if she's Val-dead?
The Empress, feminine power, strength from the mind.
Okay.
No, reshuffle, I want a do-over.
Death is not a negative card.
What?! It's death!
This card represents transition.
A doorway.
- I know it's frustrating. - Oh, it's torture!
Oh God, and when I find Wynonna,
I'm going to torture her.
You two are so cute.
We could just jump out of the train.
I could save the Earps, you could save Doc.
In a way,
that's the reason why I tend to stay on this train.
Yeah, he did kinda shoot you.
Yeah. But then I drew my own Empress card.
And I realized this regal bitch is so over the second-guessing.
The battles, all the things we did to each other.
Outside the bedroom, I mean.
Now, what we did to each other in the bedroom? Woo, girl!
Yeah, neato.
The Fool.
A journey.
Yeah, no shit!
Not for you.
No human could survive, but...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no,
not that kind of journey.
So what, she's like some kind of scientist?
Clearance level, classified.
Stationed at facility...
DX-16.
Oh, oh! That's in the town of Monument.
This place is so condemned, I won't even build condos there.
I was out-bid.
What about Jeremy?
Do you think he might've known Valdez?
They both rock BBD lab coats.
Could've been him that carved that in the wall.
He couldn't have used a pen?
Pen drawer's full of knives.
I'm a demon hunter, not a Shakespeare.
Mmm.
Garden.
The garden.
We're nearing the border of the Ghost River Triangle,
we have to do this now.
Yeah, but... You can't do this.
I can't let you do this.
Wherever Waverly is, she's not safe.
You have to get to her.
How can I ever thank you?
Consider naming your first-born "Katie".
Now back up.
Go!
Where's the other one?!
There will probably be demons.
And I don't have my demon-killing gun,
or team, or a clue.
Monument's only a couple hours away.
But if you're there, and the stairs are here,
what happens if they reappear?
We're just coming up with cheers, now?
Look, this other facility,
it could have another way into the garden.
It actually said "garden question mark"?
Listen, guys,
I'm as curious as you are, okay?
But I've gotten enough people killed, or cursed,
- or their faces ripped off. - Represent.
Nedley, you couldn't walk to an outhouse right now
even if it meant deucing your pantaloons.
Mercedes, I love ya,
I loved the omelet,
but I'm not sure you didn't just intend to fatten us up
in case you needed to eat us later.
- You know? - Uh, ladies...
Whoa! Nedley! Nedley! Hey!
Yeah, uh...
I guess that fight at the stairs took a little more out of me
than I thought.
And I've been skipping my Zumba.
Deep breaths. Just take a minute.
I'm gonna need a little more than a minute, kid.
But you gotta go.
I'm not leaving you like this.
- Oh! - Look...
I have survived a career in law enforcement,
divorcing a Taurus,
and a community theatre production of The Full Monty
that the Purgatory Press called...
"Nobody asked for this".
I'm gonna be fine.
I am happy to stay with him.
I was a slutty nurse once for Halloween.
I'm going alone?
You listen to me.
Wynonna Earp.
Nobody fucks with our family.
So go get 'em.
Take care of each other.
Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
It's okay, Randy.
Okay, let's go raid the clinic.
I will get some oxy, a little morphine
and maybe a little something for you.
- Okay! - Oh, God.
If this is Eden,
it ain't the way they wrote it up.
Where are you, Waverly Earp?
Where am I?
Doc! Doc, I'm here!
Waverly?!
Doc!
Waverly!
Quick! It's getting tighter!
Quick! Doc, quick!
Argh!
Doc!
Please!
Of course it would be a well.
But I am a weapon.
Argh!
You're alright now.
Doc.
You came.
Of course.
Thank you...
Thank you for sucking...
I do try, Waverly.
Bulshar's poison out of Wynonna's throat.
May he rest in eternal torment.
- Are you kidding me?! - _
It was the gun.
Without the gun, without them...
I'm nothing.
Whoa, now.
You ain't nothing.
You ain't much.
But you ain't nothing.
Shut up, you sexy peach cobbler.
I don't deserve cheering up.
Oh! Oh, you want cheering up?
I might have already been eaten by a giant dandelion!
I'm so sorry, baby girl.
And Haught.
She must hate me most of all.
Wynonna Earp!
Pretty sure that wasn't me.
Nicole Haught,
you glorious ginger bitch.
Gimme a big one!
- Argh! - Oh!
I believe it was this one
that lead us back to the woods of Purgatory.
What? You don't remember?
I do. I did.
Shit.
But it's not the same...
... since when I was last here.
Where do they all go?
Out would be nice.
I know you never ended up watching Friends,
but could this be any more Chernobyl right now?
I'll forget about this,
and you can just forget about the time I slipped you
some Sleeping Beauties.
Wynonna!
Listen, it's ancient history!
It was yesterday!
- Oh, right. - What if I could have helped?
Well, we'll never know,
because you left me passed out on the floor!
You couldn't have done anything.
I just jumped off a friggin' train!
They only got in 'cause they're special,
so unless you're like a...
a bisexual angel, or an undead gunslinger...
Oh, no. No, you don't get to be the judge
of who matters and who doesn't.
True.
I am just a girl,
standing in front of a cop,
asking her to forgive me for slipping her
a tiny little bit of roof-beer.
Unbelievable.
Nicole, I need you to come with me.
I don't even get where you're going.
To find someone named Valdez,
at a BBD hotspot near Monument.
Okay, and how does that help us find Waverly,
who disappeared up some stairs back that way?
Because we think it leads to another way into the garden.
Another door.
Yeah. A back door, if you will.
Okay. Two...
... powerful women
at death's door!
That's us!
See? A pile of random novelty cards would never lie to us.
- Okay. - Ahh!
One condition:
No pranks. No lies.
No going rogue.
Total honesty.
That's like three and a half conditions.
Take it or leave it. And I'm driving.
Fine, Dad.
But yeah, you really are the Daddy.
Okay, shut the box and your trap.
At least you've got your magic gun you can contribute.
Yeah. You, me...
and Peacemaker.
So...
Road Trip! You wanna be Thelma or Louise?
Tacos are tasty.
What's that now?
My dad's throne.
The angel who became stone to protect the garden.
To protect it from what? Bulshar is no more.
There's something else.
Yeah, there always is.
No, ma'am. Your keester shall not be sitting upon
this stone-turning chair.
It is my birthright. My legacy.
I don't know why I said that, but...
maybe let's skedaddle.
We are not alone.
I didn't get a warning, so, uh, no chance to clean up.
But thrilled you're here.
And you're both healthy,
that's great.
Great for what?
For you. For it.
For the whole human race.
Holy milkshakes, are you Black Badge?
Was I?
Are you?
Well...
There's no time for orientation,
but that's just how it goes.
So the best way to learn is to just dive right in.
I had to.
What is this place?
First rule...
Keep her fed.
Blood has to be fresh.
Human.
Oh, here.
Whatever this is, it is not our task.
Please. We need to go home.
Tell us how we can leave!
I'm afraid...
... there's only one way out of this prison.
No, weird guy, no!
Are you out of your mind?
What other option do we have?
This gentleman just self-decapitated!
I'm gonna barf!
Not until we try.
You used your angel gumption to revive Julian!
Doc, he has no head!
Well, the head is right there!
Look...
We need to speak to this man more.
We need answers!
Okay, okay.
Trying.
Uh...
Whoever you are... live!
Not working! Not working!
Shit!
Whatever this place is,
it is angry.
Doc, he has hundreds of those scars.
What? Okay...
He said...
... it needs blood.
But human blood!
Not half-angel or vampire-blood!
Shit!
When life gives you lemons...
... you get a-squeezing.
_
This place looks like Fyre Festival two.
- What happened? - Typical BBD clusterschmutz.
Take on the supernatural, get your ass handed to you,
then call in a mini Maldito to blow up the evidence.
So where do we think this Valdez is at?
Oh, she dead.
What?! Dude! You promised you'd be honest!
Only after I had already said that.
I didn't promise to go back
and correct other bullshit I'd delivered.
Alright, come on, Haught, punch it!
Your face, again? Don't tempt me.
Come on!
I just ate a whole bag of buffalo blue cheese combos!
Nice to see you boys getting along.
Well, without a head,
technically it's a 61.
Best use him up while he's still fresh.
Would hate for all this perfectly good food
to go to waste.
Food? Doc, you're doing great,
but maybe I should just, you know, take this.
Bought us more time.
Not sure how much, but well,
at least we can give this poor fella a break.
Doc?
Fang-nabbit.
Bet this was a fun place to work.
BBD isn't exactly known for their feng shui.
Hang on, hang on.
Let me have a sip of thinking juice, here.
Is that Julian's ring? How did you... ?
At home. Where you left it.
So, Ms. No-more-secrets,
what aren't you telling me, hmm?
Waverly proposed to me.
And?
And I believe the Romans called it Wynonnus Interruptus.
It is more effective than the pill,
and a lot cheaper.
That's not how lesbian-ing works, Wynonna.
So? Is it a yes?
Like I'm gonna tell you first.
Sniper fire. Whoa, hey!
Save your bullets. We don't know where the shots are coming from.
- Uh, excuse me. - Yeah?
That's not Peacemaker.
It's a... It's a funny story.
So you also lied to me about not lying?!
Can we just focus on the bastard
who's just murdered my whiskey?
Okay, sure.
Holster Doc's gun.
You're going to help Daddy find him.
Ooh, that actually felt really good.
Are you okay?
I have composed myself.
I was certain North was that way,
but then the sun was coming from that way,
so it cannot be.
You built a fire.
Did I? Or was it already here?
How long have we been here?
We must find a way out.
Soon.
What we need now is rest.
If it's alright,
I feel like talking a little longer.
I need to atone for my recent history.
We've all done bad things to one another.
You never seem to.
You're being forgetful.
Or kind.
What is important is that you came,
and that we're both gonna get back to them.
Yes. You are right.
Neither Earp nor Haught will leave any stone unturned.
It is Nicole, right?
And Wynonna?
Wynonna Earp.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's Nicole.
She's the sheriff with...
... red hair, brown eyes.
Stetson.
Nicole Haught.
Nicole Haught, the red hair, the brown eyes...
I can't believe you didn't tell me about Peacemaker.
Would you be here if I did?
Now shut it, I have to focus.
Float like a butterface, swing like a three... some.
Clear eyes, full bra, can't lose.
Just zig-zag.
You'll be fine.
Come at me bro!
Is that the best you got? Come on, bring it, man!
I got you right where I want you.
Ahh! Okay, that was close.
Haught! Any time!
Zig-zagging does nothing!
Hurry up, hurry up!
Behind you.
They always look.
You took your sweet time.
You're still alive.
Well, the next time someone has to risk their lives,
- you're it! - Yeah, fine, no problem!
I mean, as long as I haven't been roofied again
by my best friend!
I've never had a best friend.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
God, you are such an...
Earp.
Oh...
Congratulations, Haught.
You cold cocked a cast member of Little Women.
Valdez.
Wait 'til Waves hears you took out a toddler.
Who was trying to shoot you.
And you call yourself a feminist.
Hey, um, any thoughts on what to do about this?
This girl obviously knows Dr. Gloria Valdez.
And you said she was killed in act...
Shh.
This is child abuse.
Not if you're over sixteen.
Hope you feel super dupes about getting the drop on me.
- You shot at us. - You were trespassing.
Well, we didn't know anyone lived here.
Oh! Well, now you do! You're welcome.
Alright.
We need your help getting into a secret government lab
that's somewhere in your warm and welcoming home.
You want intel?
It's gonna cost you.
Cash?
What am I supposed to do with that?
Look around, Ketchup and Mustard.
My grocery store is a dumpster.
Ah?
Is that made with ethically sourced palm oil?
Oh, just eat it. You're clearly starving.
I still have a code.
Well, the code better be to Dr. Gloria Valdez's lab.
Never heard of her.
That's mine.
Then, talk.
Hey.
Killie Bobby Brown.
We think Dr. Gloria Valdez can help us save my family.
I really doubt that,
since she took off on her own.
Gloria Valdez is your mother.
I'm sorry.
Why? You don't know me.
I know what it's like to have parents flake out on you.
But you said you're here to help protect your family.
Not my parents. My sister.
I would do literally anything...
to keep her safe.
So listen, help us find Dr. Gloria Valdez...
Wynonna...
Okay. I know where the lab is.
- I can get you in. - Clever girl.
Actually, it's Rachel.
Okie dokie.
Okay, but high key,
follow me closely and keep your mouths shut.
Okay.
This would've been so much easier
if Dolls's files had, like, a map of the building.
Yeah, it's called a blueprint.
Wait... Xavier Dolls?
You know him?
Oh poop.
He's jerky.
And I've never been more vegan.
Okay, here goes.
It's friggin' angel blood!
Come on you stupid machine, it's the pure stuff!
Waverly.
Hello?
There was a big accident at the lab,
and Black Badge gassed the whole thing for containment.
Dolls was the one that made me leave.
Even without my mom.
Probably the right call, I mean, he pretty much saved me.
Me too.
Me three.
He was an incredible soldier.
Was?
Man, sometimes life is a real backpack of balls.
Can we keep her, Daddy?
Rachel, what kind of gas?
All Dolls said was that it was dangerous
and it didn't do what BBD thought it would.
No more talking from now on,
and stay close.
Whatever you do, do not step on the grates.
Why? What happens if you step on...
I am so serious. Shut your mouth.
Hey, yo, we get it.
Why do we have to be quiet if everyone's dead?
_
Whatever my mom was working on,
the lab, it's through there.
You haven't been inside?
Never. The big glass door's locked.
How locked can a glass door be?
Wow, these guys did not find a great work-life balance.
BBD gassed their own employees.
But...
not all of them, right?
I mean, as far as I can tell from here,
my mom's not one of those bodies.
You came back for her.
Rachel, that's really brave.
So like, now what?
How do we get to the lab? It's in the basement.
Basement?
Well, I guess some ropes,
some makeshift pulleys, I can belay Wynonna down first.
Hey, does that guy look weird to you?
Beaver blaster in the house!
- Wynonna, what are you... - Duck!
- Duck? - Duck!
No! They'll wake up!
Bacon what?
Game on, bitches! Let's go find a hellmou...
That's why I told you to shut up.
Shut up and run!
Why didn't you tell us
there was mutant zombie scientists?!
Beaver-blasted mutant
zombie scientists! Get in here!
I thought you'd bail.
I'm not stupid.
Maybe my mom's okay, maybe she's not.
But I need to know.
And I can't get to her by myself.
Go!
Nicole! Where are you?!
Argh!
Wynonna?
Nicole!
Rachel!
Ladies? Hello?!
Guys?!
Ya! Ya!
Ahh! Bad guy!
Ahh!
Wynonna Scissor Hands!
Nicole?!
I'm coming, where are you?!
Nicole?!
Rachel!
Wynonna!
- Oh shit. - You stepped on a grate.
Why did I eat all those goddamn combos?
Nicole, find the portal.
Save Waverly.
Fuck that.
- Like you said, I'm it. - No!
If you die, I'll kill you!
Nicole!
Waverly, you dang fool.
What has she done?
Hello?
Anybody? Hello?!
Hi.
Well, Sheriff Haught.
At least you are wearing a smile.
- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -