Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com
Get me a full background check on Jerry Bernstein.
I need to see his file.
Someone's actually trying to access your file right now.
He's hiding something, I'm sure of it.
Were you disgraced at the NSA
and forced to take the position here?
No.
Motherfu...
All right.
_
Anyway, I'm taking Melissa up the Orinoco
for her birthday, so that'll be nice.
Is it a surprise?
I hope so.
_
There you go.
Oh no, I don't think those are ours.
- Oh. - Yeah, they are.
I ordered these, thank you.
Jerry, I can't, I'm on duty.
Dude, come on.
How often do we get to do this?
Huh?
I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
Oh man, I love this track.
Oh, yeah.
So anyway, as part of my work at the FBI,
we've been investigating a few of the officers at the NSA.
Right, right.
Hey, do you wanna dance?
No, not right now.
So we've just filed a report,
and I hate to do this to you, buddy...
You know what, whatever you're about to say,
surely it can wait three minutes.
Jerry.
Jerry, please don't make this more difficult
than it already is.
I've been asked to bring you in,
but I'm sure it's just a formality.
Man, I'm in the middle of my dance here, come on!
Jerry, whatever you did,
I'm sure the NSA can strike a deal.
Woo!
- Jerry. - Yeah, you still got it.
- Okay. - Yeah!
Why don't we just go pay for our drinks...
Yeah, we'll just go.
- What, what? - That's my gun.
- Yeah. - That's my gun.
- Jerry. - Yeah, yeah.
- Come on. - No, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah, yeah. - Jerry.
- Let's do this. - Whoa.
- Woo hoo! - Jerry, please.
- Yep, yep. - Nope, nope, nope, no, no.
- No, hey, hey, hey, hey. - Jerry, no.
Is this because I'm sleeping with Melissa?!
What?!
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Gosh, sorry I'm late.
I overslept.
You look really well, Mary. Did you have a nice weekend?
Yes, Mum died.
- Oh, I'm so sorry. - Oh my God.
No, it's actually quite nice.
I get to choose my own clothes and everything.
Well, if that's everything,
I've promised the Foreign Office
an update on the Karazamov file.
It seems like there are now concerns
there may be a mole here at GCHQ.
What the fuck?!
Fortunately, it's not for any of you to worry about.
Just to let you know, I might be going on a little holiday
after I've made all of Mom's funeral arrangements.
And when is that?
Oh, it was supposed to be Wednesday,
but then there was a mix up at church,
so now I've had to have it back home for a few days.
How are you storing her?
Because if it gets too warm, she might explode.
- Mm. - Oh, gosh.
Well, she's just in the spare room at the minute,
because next door's dog kept finding her.
Fantastic. Shall we crack on?
Hey, let me know if you want a hand with any of that.
My uncle used to run a funeral parlor back at home.
Really?
- Wow. - He actually invented
a number of techniques for putting the body
into various shapes when in the coffin.
Will it be an open casket?
Possibly, yes.
And will she be face up?
Oh, I hope so.
Yeah, 'cause he used to do things
like have the person waving, like...
Or beckoning you over.
Or like they were trying to climb out, you know, like...
Oh.
I was just wondering if it might be easier to cremate her?
Nice work.
- At home? - Well, no.
With a ceremony and everything,
but I just thought it could be quicker.
Well, yes, or you could partially cremate her
and then bury what's left.
It's a bit like starting off a jacket potato in the microwave.
- Somebody's here. - Right?
And?
- FBI. - And do they have a name?
Clint Foster.
Sorry.
It must have been something I ate.
Sorry, who did you say was here again?
Clint Foster.
Jerry, are you all right?
Right, I have no idea who that is.
- Did he leave a message? - No, he's in your office.
My...
Oh my God.
_
You did plant the spy cam in Jerry's office?
Yeah.
_
Did you turn it on?
I see you cropped me out of our graduation photo.
Did I?
What do you want, Clint?
Well...
Oh, was that your bad toe?
No.
Listen, I know this is awkward...
Not as awkward as you sitting on my desk.
- Jerry... - Clinton?
- Jerry... - Clint.
- Weenie... - Clint.
- Jerry... - Clint, what, just...
We need to talk.
No, you don't tell me what to do.
First, get off my desk.
Stand, there you go.
Okay.
And now I want you to shut the door
and come inside your office.
No, you know what, we need to swap places.
One, two, three, swap.
- Now get the fuck out of my office! - Jerry!
- Jerry. - Go on.
Jerry, we need to talk.
You get the hell out of here, okay?
I never wanna see you again.
What's going on?
You wanna tell her, Clint, huh?
You wanna explain to everyone how you slept with my wife?
Look, neither of us meant for that to happen.
Oh yeah, what, did it just fall in there, huh?
How many times, how many times did you sleep with her?
Jesus, Jerry, let's not do this in front of everyone.
No, I'm sure they all wanna know anyway.
How many?
Including last night?
Mm-hm.
Eight or nine hundred times.
What?
Why?
Why, Clint?
I don't know.
Because maybe I haven't felt this way
about anybody since Kimberly died.
I don't even know who that is!
Kimberly.
My first wife.
Got hit by a truck?
Oh, Kimberly.
Listen Jerry, why don't you and I go find a place
where we can talk in private?
It's for your own good.
No.
I'm not gonna grant a divorce, Clint.
Screw Melissa, and screw you.
You and me are done.
Is that why you think I'm here?
The NSA have called your case back into review.
I'm here to take you home.
The plane leaves tonight.
Okay, so naturally, I have a few things I'd like to say,
and I'm sure you have a few questions of your own.
Oh, absolutely tons.
But for now, just in the interest of time,
I'd appreciate if you didn't interrupt.
So obviously you're aware that I work for the NSA.
Do you want me to say even when I agree?
Well, some indication that you're alive would be nice.
Sorry, yeah, of course I know that. Yeah.
Anyway, you remember how I also said
I was close to the president?
Are you waiting for me to respond?
- Yeah. - No, I don't know.
- Well, I was. - Nice.
Now let's just say I was approached
by a member of his team to look into ways
in which I could potentially influence
the results of the election,
purely from a cyber perspective.
Did that actually happen then?
Doesn't matter, but let's just say a high-ranking figure
asked you to do the same.
What would you do?
Oh, I wouldn't even know where to start.
I struggle with Excel sometimes.
Okay, sure, but put yourself in my shoes.
You're someone at the NSA who's been working
on this stuff for years.
You're at the top of your game.
- You're kind of amazing... - Yeah.
Which is why you find yourself on vacation
with this senator, who's acting like you're best buds.
Right, in which case I would say,
"Listen, we're best buds, but you know I work for the NSA.
"I'm not allowed to talk about it".
Well of course that's what you're meant to say,
but now imagine you're in this beautiful sushi bar.
Oh, lovely.
You've already consumed several bottles of saki.
Oh, hell.
Tina Turner is in one corner of the room.
- Why? - It doesn't matter.
- Is she singing? - She's asleep.
I'm just trying to paint a picture here.
My point is there's a world in which
you might share some highly classified intel, right?
Not if it'd undermine national security, no.
But what if you know it would make your country
stronger, safer, more American?
Isn't that virtual treason, though?
By whose definition?
The legal definition.
Then yeah.
Aren't you worried about that?
I am now.
Well they can't send you back, I mean,
what will I do all day?
My point is there's a world in which you might share
- some highly-classified intel... - Is it working now?
Perfectly.
Do you mind if I stay at Dad's tonight?
Yes, I do.
Well, guys, unless anyone knows how to avoid
an extradition order, I guess this is it.
Clint's giving me till the end of the day
to wrap everything up and say my goodbyes.
A shame you didn't get married while you were over here?
Why?
I could avoid extradition if I'd married a Brit?
I think so.
It's how Paddington avoided being sent back to Peru.
I don't know, maybe it's different for bears.
Well, wait a minute, couldn't we just pretend
that I married one of you guys months ago
and forge the documents?
- Tuva, would you... - No.
What about Mary?
Ooh, gosh, I'd love to.
It's just me and Quentin have started, you know...
No, it's okay, people wouldn't have bought us
as a couple anyway, given your whole, you know, face.
Who else is there?
What?
Okay, we need to make this absolutely bulletproof.
The NSA are gonna wanna see witness testimonials,
marriage certificates, wedding footage.
What about your wife?
Melissa.
Can you kill her off? On paper, I mean.
Sure, I can do that.
Can it be crocodiles?
Sure, I can do that.
When do you want to say that you got married?
- 9/11? - No, it's gotta be
- more recent than that. - I just read a lot
of hotel wedding packages were much cheaper that day.
Hey, I don't wanna go cheap.
If we're gonna go through with this,
- I wanna go all out. - Great.
Hey, I won't get into trouble with the NSA for doing this, will I?
Listen, this is all on me, okay?
If you guys go down, I'll be right behind you.
Okay, so for the NSA to buy this,
they have to believe that we are completely in love.
- Mm-hm. - And that our love
for each other is so intense, it would break your heart
if I left you, okay?
Are you comfortable with that?
God, yeah, yeah.
All right, let's do this.
- Oh, take that off. - Okay.
Do you wanna put it...
No, no, just throw it on the floor.
Great, smile, smile.
Should I hold you like that?
- No, you don't need to. - No?
Smile.
Okay.
- Are you ready? - We should be laughing
- as we kind of go into it. - Okay.
So how long have you and Jerry been an item?
- Oh. - Oh.
- God, well... - Wow.
Since the first day he arrived.
I mean, it was like being attacked by a bull.
And did you mind the age difference?
- Not really, no. - Yeah, no.
- No, I didn't. - It was weird, no, no.
I mean, I think when you're truly in love when someone,
you just don't really see an age.
Yeah.
You know, even when it's really quite big,
but yeah, occasionally I'll wake up at night
and just be like, "Oh God, you know, when I'm 70,
"he'll be, what, 130, 140?"
We should probably move on.
But I mean, the sex is...
- Is what? - Don't talk about it?
Yeah, I don't think we should talk...
- Let's not mention that. - It's nothing, it's nothing.
So are you and Jerry living together now?
- We are. - Oh, absolutely.
- Yeah, we are. - Thank goodness,
'cause there was a while there that it was almost painful
- that we were apart so much... - It was a very difficult
24 hours, but, I mean, I'm still living with my dad,
- so it is quite tight, isn't it? - Yep.
This smile, just, oh.
Sorry, for the edit, maybe ask about kids.
- Yes. - You know, like we've
- been talking about kids. - Okay, okay.
I think it'll help the case.
Do you like kids?
I like kids.
We both like kids.
It's funny you should ask, because...
- We have five kids. - Oh.
You have five kids.
And how old?
How old are they now?
Yes.
Well, they're, well...
- Uh... - Five, four, three,
two, and one.
Yeah, we're not gonna be able to use any of that.
Listen, I just wanna thank you for your cooperation.
You could have made this a whole lot more difficult.
Any time.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but we have a nickname for you back in the states.
The Iron Curtain.
You're impenetrable.
Why would I take that the wrong way?
I very much enjoyed last night.
Yes, me too.
I'm just wondering if you could check under your bed.
My external hard drive's gone missing.
I haven't seen it.
It's very sensitive.
- Quentin, do you have your camera? - Yes.
Okay, get ready.
Are you sure this is gonna be okay?
It's the only suit we had in your size, sorry.
No, I'm not supposed to see you.
It's bad luck.
So should I just walk in from the back, or...
Yeah, do you have any music?
I could sing something.
Oh, well that's up to the bride.
Oh no, I'd love that.
Cool.
Okay.
Let's do this.
_
Okay, I think we're good.
- Cool. - It was beautiful.
Joseph, repeat after me.
Repeat after me.
I do solemnly declare.
That I, Joseph Harries.
Just use your own voice.
Try it again, please.
I do solemnly declare.
That I, Joseph Harries.
That I...
- Joseph Harries. - Joseph Harries.
Know not of any lawful impediment.
Know not of any lawful...
Impediment.
Why I should not be married to Jerry Apache Bernstein.
Why I should not be married to Jerry Apache Bernstein,
apart from the outstanding extradition order,
but I'm sure we'll be able...
Okay, we'll edit that out later.
Tuva, do you have the rings?
What?
So I was a bit unsure
as to how this might work out, but it's good to know
you know how to play with the big boys.
Well, it isn't all the time we get to cooperate
alongside one of our oldest and closest allies.
You know, if you're ever looking for a way
out of this shit hole,
we'd love someone like you at the FBI.
You've certainly earned your points with the NSA.
Maybe now they'll take us seriously.
Oh, maybe.
Where is everyone?
What do you mean "Where is everyone"?
I don't know.
Joseph Harries, with this rings, I thee wed.
Oh, lovely, thank you.
Take that.
Jerry Apache Bernstein, with this skull ring, I thee wed.
Aw.
Without further ado, it gives me great pleasure
to pronounce you partners in law.
Oh, sorry.
Hey!
And now you can kiss the bride.
Oh, I don't think we... Okay, I...
Okay, turn around, okay.
Chris, hey.
- Sorry, we were just... - Filming...
Filming a short...
- Porno. - Show reel.
- A show reel. - Yeah, I've got a buddy
in the adult film industry who's looking
for a few dwarves for his next project.
Really?
Because what it looks like is you're staging a wedding
in order to avoid immediate extradition
to the United States, where you're highly likely
to face charges of treason.
Jerry, buddy, you really think
this is gonna make a difference?
Come on, we're leaving.
Hang on.
I must say, I do find it staggering
that the FBI and the NSA should choose
to pin all this on an individual.
Jerry is unequivocally one of the most average officers
I've ever had the pleasure of working with,
so to somehow imply that he could have influenced
an entire election not only insults my intelligence,
which in case you haven't already figured,
is really quite high,
but also stinks of the NSA looking for a scapegoat
to save its own skin.
We all make mistakes, all of us.
I once overcooked beef.
But although it may not look it, we are only human,
and we live in increasingly testing times,
so perhaps even people like Jerry deserve a second chance,
just maybe not a third.
For now though, he remains one of us,
my responsibility, and I won't have him
suddenly taken away from this shit hole,
particularly as I can have this whole saga wrapped up
in so much red tape, that before you're even allowed
to so much as look at Jerry again,
everyone in this room will have passed away, even Evelyn.
Oh my God.
They're gonna come after you no matter what.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Whatever.
No.
Wow, Chris.
I didn't realize I was such a valuable asset to GCHQ.
Asset is one word for it, leverage is another.
Imagine how much intel the NSA might be willing
to give away if we held on to you.
Right, so I'm kind of like ransom.
Well that's cool.
I mean, that's still a compliment, right?
Right?
Sorry, Chris, can I just check,
do we still get time off for our honeymoon?
Hey, Chris!
No, no, drink that.
Yeah!
Woo, Chris!
Don't do that!
_
- Mary, we're doing shots. - Mary, come do a shot!
Come do a shot.
credits