Joseph, quiet room, now.
Oh my God, what's wrong?
Jerry, what is it?
God, Jerry, are you okay?
Yeah.
So what's wrong, what happened?
I think I have syphilis.
And maybe gonorrhea too.
I really can't tell.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, yeah, hey, can you get the fuck out?
Thank you.
So what do you think it was something that you ate maybe?
No, I had sex last night.
Oh my God, with who?
- I can't say. - Not Christine.
No, she must be, what my age?
- So was it with a prostitute? - Ew, no.
- Not Mary. - No I just said it wasn't a prostitute.
Well then who?
Look, I can't, okay?
She made me promise not to tell anyone.
It's fine, just tell me.
It was Tuva.
credits
I mean, obviously I've had lots of experience
but Tuva can do things I've only seen possible with CGI.
Right, who's got a poorly dick?
Quentin, thank God.
I mean, how did this even end up happening, Jerry?
Quentin, have you seen the film Avatar?
Why, has it turned blue?
No, but look.
Oh God, no.
Hey, hey, don't turn away.
I mean, that's just rude.
Have you seen anything like it?
Only in livestock.
Fantastic appraisal scores
off the back of that NHS scenario, Chris.
Sorry, where did you say you were again?
I actually don't know.
There was one area where you seem to have failed.
Failed?
Yes, it was in staff welfare and management.
Get out!
Why?
Be gentle please.
Mother!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Just gonna try again, okay?
Okay, okay.
It looks like subepidermal hematoma.
Oh my God, is that fatal?
No, no, no, it's just trauma.
What exactly happened?
Did she punch you in the penis?
I mean, there was...
No.
Why is it still erect?
It's not erect.
- Hey. - Hey, you all right?
I'm so sorry.
I think I've had too much baraka.
You know they're not suppositories, right?
Good morning.
- Oh gosh, are you okay? - Yeah.
Are you okay?
Good morning team, valued staff members.
Right, who'd like some raisins?
Yeah, actually I would Chris, thanks.
I'm absolutely ravenous.
I had a big night last night.
So I know that we've all got a lot
to be getting on with
but I just wanted to remind all of you
that if ever work becomes too stressful
and you want to talk about it
or about anything else for that matter,
I'm always here.
That includes you, too, Evelyn.
I never find work stressful.
Well, no, but if you ever wanted
to talk about something more personal.
Okay, so.
I was the first in my class to get my period.
It doesn't have to be now.
So I've had an update on the Dixons car phone data breach.
I do think this is going to be one for you, Mary.
They've used a 28-bit block cipher.
That's what my PhD was in.
Exactly.
And no one else could bear taking it on.
Really, okay well it might take me a little longer
than usual because my mum's not been well.
She's nearly 90.
She musta had you when she was very young.
You see this is a good example
of something that you might want to come and speak
to me about.
I'd really appreciate that actually, Chris.
She keeps telling me to go fuck myself.
Well, perhaps when you've finished all this work
and removed all the corrupted files.
Oh, right.
End of play today would be soon enough.
Hey you.
Oh.
Wonder if it's a boy or a girl.
Oh gosh.
I can never tell.
That's the problem with babies,
they don't have boobs.
No.
Hi.
Hello darling.
- Well done. - Thanks.
Hey, I've just been looking
at the Karasimov file, do we have a contact
in linguistics who can translate Russian?
Have you tried Olga?
I can never understand what she's saying.
You know she's Russian.
Oh is that what that is?
Oh right.
Thanks for the card by the way
but I only celebrate my birthday every other year.
Well, that's fine just keep it for next year then.
There's nothing in there that can go off.
Anything else?
Well, I just wanted to let you know
that I know about you and Jerry.
Has he been mouthing me off?
Oh God, he didn't say if he'd done that as well.
Sorry, so has this been going on for a while then?
I only ask just 'cause Jerry seemed
to imply it was like a permanent thing.
Wow, okay, well, either way,
I just don't like to sleep with the same person
more than once.
I think it's lazy.
Oh, no, I agree with that, me too.
God, yeah.
It's boring.
But you never know, maybe one day
you might find that one person who you wanna settle down.
No, that would never work for me.
No, no, 'cause you're just.
It's funny though I was doing one of those
like online harmony tests things
and we actually come out as 89% I think.
Yeah, it's that 11% I'm worried about.
Then why sleep with Jerry?
Because I don't care about him
like I'd care about you.
But you're right,
I should let him know it won't happen again.
Plus he's so not over his wife.
Say what?
Is everything okay?
Well the district nurse will be around in a bit.
Yes, that's the one.
But you really can't call her that nowadays.
Yes?
Hi, Chris, do you have like 40, 45 minutes?
Not that long, no.
Is this about the Buble conspiracy?
I don't know what that is.
Thanks Evelyn.
No, can you leave the room please?
Oh my God.
Sorry.
Quickly.
So, listen, I don't wanna name names
but there is someone in the office
who I've started to think of as more than just a friend.
Why?
'Cause she's really nice.
- Are you talking about me? - No, why?
- Are you interested? - Of course not.
So this is about Tuva?
Oh, I really don't wanna say who it is.
Well I'm guessing it's not Mary.
Oh, no, no, God no, no, definitely not Mary.
Anyway, it turns out this person
for whatever reason has actually ended up having sex
with someone else on our team.
- Jerry. - I really don't wanna name names.
Yes, but surely not Mary?
No, it's still not Mary
but the thing is this person is in fact a very good friend.
Jerry, of course, he walks all over you.
And on top of that I've just found out he has a wife.
Jerry's married?
So now I'm beginning to question do I even know
who this person is anymore?
Jerry?
I mean, what do you think I should do?
Do you think I should talk to him about it or?
Yes.
Right.
It's a yes.
Can I have a raisin?
Yes.
Hey beautiful.
Okay, so I'm just going to say it, so we can move on.
Oh my God, you're pregnant?
It's been less than 12 hours.
I don't care I wanna keep it.
No, this was a one off.
It can never happen again.
I don't understand, you sure sounded
like you were enjoying yourself.
You know sometimes I moan like that
when I'm really bored.
I thought we had a connection.
You kept calling me Melissa.
Oh come on, was it really that bad.
Melissa...
Yes.
Fine, you know what?
Actually, I was on my way to find you
and tell you the same thing so.
So are we good?
Tuva, do you really think this is the first time
I've had a one night stand, please.
Great.
Oh, hi, Jerry, I just wondered if we'd have a little chat.
It's actually not a great time for me.
I'm super busy.
Did Tuva come and see you?
You know what she did.
Poor kid.
She won't leave me alone, so clingy.
I had to shut that shit down.
I'm actually worried about her, she was a mess.
I hope she's gonna be okay.
Listen, if you ever wanna chat about anything,
just, you know I'm here, right?
Okay, thanks.
Maybe you could come around to mine tonight.
Get my dad to cook something and we can chat.
Nah, I think it'll be too spicy.
Let's go out, come on.
Can we go somewhere cozy?
Of course, the Railway Inn is super cozy, honestly.
Is it?
Do they do mashed potatoes?
I can ask, I mean, it's very easy to make.
- Okay. - Yeah?
Yeah, let's do this.
Right.
Very nice.
Hey, does this turn into a topless place later?
I don't think so, no.
Listen, I'm really glad we decided to go out, man.
Just us two guys.
Yeah, do you wanna just have a seat,
and I'll just get this first round.
What would you like?
Yeah, I'll have a scotch.
Top shelf, neat.
Cool, neat.
No, neat, no ice.
Yeah, yeah that's neat.
Oh hey, also, get another round of whatever
those two are having.
What, for us?
For them.
Oh right, okay.
Hey, Tuva, what are you doing here?
Hey, you want to see some magic tricks?
I can't really.
Oh come on, pick a card.
Okay, okay, just really quick.
I love magic.
_
Hello?
I am so sorry, Jerry,
there was a huge queue.
Where'd you get that?
Oh, I didn't even see that.
Cheers, buddy.
Cheers man, you all right.
This is nice, isn't it?
Just us two.
- Chatting away. - Right?
Yeah.
Well, you know, it just dawned on me.
We've never really ever spoken
about relationships and stuff.
No, so when was the last long term relationship you had?
Oh me.
Probably like my gran.
Do you have type?
I haven't really established a pattern yet.
You ever hooked up with anyone at work?
No not yet.
Aren't there like 6,000 people workin' at GCHQ?
Well, yeah, but I mean I can't access everywhere
with my pass so.
Yeah, but surely those odds are great.
I mean, even for somethin' happenin' by chance.
Yeah, but I mean I don't know how accurate a figure
that is, I mean, that might include staff
from GCHQ Bute for all I know.
I don't wanna have to trek down there every time.
I'm not makin' you uncomfortable, am I?
I'm just tryin' to be friendly.
No, it's.
What?
No, it's just nice hearing you refer
to me as a friend, that's all.
Are you all right?
You know what, let's get another round.
Oh no, I'm gonna get these.
That's absolutely fine.
Right, then get us a couple of shots too.
Neat?
Yeah.
Hey.
So who are you here with?
Oh, just a couple of old school friends.
Those two?
No, not them two, no, no.
You want a drink?
Maybe just like a really quick one?
Can we have a couple of tequilas?
Yes, it's just a little bit tricky at the moment
because the, one of the people that I'm here with,
he's a bit upset 'cause the girl he was seeing
has just split up with him so.
Is she hot?
I find her attractive, yeah.
Are you going to say something?
To you, oh, I don't know.
Maybe, I just don't want him to think
that I've been thinking about them having sex, you know?
There you go.
Oh well.
Right.
Oh my God, what's that?
You never had tequila before?
I thought it was like squash.
I am so sorry Jerry.
Man, what took so long?
I had to pop to the toilet.
Just I've got the runs I think.
Well, surely that would make things quicker.
Well, there wasn't a cubicle so.
Let's do this.
- Cheers buddy. - Cheers man.
Yeah.
So what were we talkin' about.
Well, I think you were about
to me about your last relationship.
What, no, man, don't bring me down.
I'm tryin' to get up.
You know, you really should go for one of those.
Which one's your favorite?
I just wouldn't wanna choose.
- Come on man. - It's fine.
No, Jerry, honestly.
Oh they are so waiting for you.
They're begging for it.
She's not.
All right, I'm gonna go talk to 'em, see what I can do.
Come on, come on, quickly, quickly.
- Okay. - Yeah baby.
So, just so I know, how much are you willing to spend?
What?
Hi Chris just to let you know
that I've finally cracked it.
Yes, I was just going to take a look.
I'll let Dixons know.
Is there something else?
No, no, I should probably get back to Mum.
Yes, good idea.
The district nurse just called and she's...
Died.
Okay, try not to take this the wrong way
but they both have concerns about your dwarfism.
Well, that's fine, I completely understand. What about you?
I think I'm starting to get used to it.
No, are you interested in either of those?
No, no, I'm not lookin' for a relationship.
Oh what, because you're married, Jerry?
Have people been talkin' about me behind my back?
Why didn't you tell me?
'Cause it's none of your business.
Well you told Tuva.
That was different, all right, just slipped out.
Well, Jerry, there's been plenty of opportunities
when it could've easily slipped out of me.
- What? - Sorry guys.
What else did Tuva say about me?
I don't know, why would I care about how she feels about you?
Wait a...
You like Tuva?
Yes, I like, of course I like Tuva.
Obviously.
Why is that so funny?
No, it's just.
You deserve better.
No I don't.
Hey, I'm just tryin' to look out for you, okay?
You just said we were buddies.
Yeah, well buddies don't keep things from each other.
Exactly, I mean, I didn't know you liked her like that.
You shoulda made your feelings more obvious.
Hey.
What, Tuva, what?
So is Jerry your date?
Mm-hm.
Cool.
Why didn't you say?
You knew she was here?
Sorry, did I not tell you that?
Is this why you brought me here
so you two can hang out?
Hang on, I just need to work out exactly
how this came about 'cause I'm actually quite drunk now.
This is how you try to cheer me up?
Well, apart from this bit I'm havin' a great night.
Me too, I'm gonna go out
to the garden to smoke some weed.
- Whoa. - You guys wanna come?
No, not, my asthma's.
- No, knock yourself out. - Sorry.
Cool, later.
Why would you lie to me?
I thought we were friends.
Well, you know what?
I thought we were friends as well but there's some people who think you walk all over me.
What? What else do they say?
That you pee sitting down.
Okay, that's my business and not all the time.
Okay, sometimes I don't know what's gonna happen
so I play it safe.
That you're secretly vegan.
Oh fuck you.
That you're weak.
You think I'm weak?
Well, you're always talkin' about how tough you are
but no one's ever seen it have they?
Okay, you know what?
Here, you wanna arm wrestle?
I don't wanna arm wrestle, it hurts my arm.
- Whatever. - You know what I'm done.
Where are you, hey, hey, don't walk away.
- I'm talkin' to you. - I'm going home Jerry.
What a wuss.
- Okay get up. - What?
- Get up. - Why?
We're fighting, get up.
We're gonna fight?
I'm the one who should be fighting you.
Go for it, move your table.
- Oh, oh, you want help with the table? - Yeah.
Yeah, where are we going?
- Just to the right like that. - There.
- Thank you. - I can move furniture too.
Go for it.
Look at that and this.
Here, there, there, you have enough space
for all your moves huh?
- You little. - Little what?
Just little.
Yeah, sorry buddy.
I'm sorry, it's just instinct, sorry.
- Hey! - Hey!
Okay, can you stop hugging me?
No.
Hey.
Ow Jerry!
Sorry, again, instinct.
Come on, get up.
Hey, don't try!
Ow!
Yeah, yeah, kick me.
Where you goin' you little squirrel?
Oh, you're tryin' to look me in the eye huh?
Why are you such a dickhead?
What?
Well you treat me like shit all the time.
I don't treat you like shit, you're my PA.
I'm not your PA, I've been workin' at GCHQ for 12 years.
I'm a junior analyst.
- Really? - Yes!
Just lose the front.
Oh you think I have a front now?
You think I'm frontin'?
- Well why won't you let me in? - Jesus.
Come on, why?
You wanna know why I won't let you in, huh?
You really wanna know?
'Cause the last time I let someone in, I shot him.
I lost my best friend.
Is that what you wanted to hear?
All right, are you happy?
You really gotta work on your instinct.
Jerry.
Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com
* Misery's on the way *
* There are bad vibes just around the corner *
* There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky *
* It's as clear as crystal from Bridlington to Bristol *
* That we can't save democracy *
* And we don't much care *
* We'd better all learn the lyrics *
* Of the old Red Flag *
* But wait till we drop down dead *