Oh hi, Sally.
It's Mary.
_
Well, actually I was wondering whether
we should take the Brownies somewhere else this weekend.
Oh, no reason.
No, nothing to do with work.
_
Oh gosh.
Well, anywhere really.
_
Shetland?
credits
And in short, that's why I have to sleep
completely naked.
Well, that's good to know.
Okay, so just to remind everyone,
we're still on Amber alert following
the poisoned water attacks
that took place in Paris over the weekend.
How far is Paris?
Aside from Paris, what else is going on, Joseph?
Do we have a systems update?
Yes, not great I'm afraid.
Tuva's already looking into who might be behind it.
But we had an attack on one of our own servers last night.
- Oh, fucking tense! - I know.
When exactly did it happen?
No!
Attention please.
This is a test.
Please take no action.
What on earth are you doing?
Sorry.
I still get PTSD from my time in Afghanistan.
You never served in Afghanistan.
Yeah, I know. But the drone footage I saw was very realistic.
How much data was compromised?
Yeah, it may sound insulting really.
Macedites from the middle server.
They did manage to capture a tiny bit
of Mary's Internet browsing history, sadly.
Oh no.
Please tell me none of that was sensitive.
No, apart from
I have been looking online for a new bra.
Really, what type?
Just a brown one.
Yeah baby.
Found him.
This is our hacker.
- Fuck me. - Oh my gosh.
Gosh, what a dick.
Sorry, Jerry, do you mind using less bad language?
Seriously?
Shit is fine thought, isn't it?
Now I say shit all the time.
No you just talk shit.
There's a difference.
Oh yeah!
- No, you have to let go. - Sorry.
This guy is good.
He once hacked the NSA database.
NSA database, really?
You know maybe we should bring this guy in.
Make him part of the team.
Absolutely not.
I'm serious. I mean Tuva used to be a hacker, right?
I don't know if I appreciate the term hacker
because I'm also a singer.
The only reason Tuva is here
is because she made a bargaining plea with the government
in exchange for some highly sensitive intel.
- Please don't say... - It was about the Brexit campaign.
What that was about.
My point is we should keep our enemies close.
Surely we can agree on that.
Look, give me 48 hours with him.
If it doesn't work out, I'm willing to take the hit on this.
Fine.
- Really? - Why not?
I have complete faith in you.
Ah, looks like I'm finally rubbing you off
on me.
- Finally... - Rubbing off on you.
- Rubbing? - Rubbing off on you.
- I'm finally... - Yes.
- Rubbing off on you. - Yes, that's the saying.
- You're rubbing off on me. - You wish.
Oh, one final thing.
Barnaby Bailer will be delivering his seminar
on the politics of cyber security this week
- to which you're all invited. - Bailer?
The Middle East attaché?
I love that guy!
He and I used to make these cupcakes together
when he was over for 9/11.
Who's running his protection detail?
'Cause last time got pretty rowdy.
Oh, I'm sure his people will run it given his somewhat contentious legacy.
Well, I'll pop down there just to be sure.
Know what I'm saying?
I can't hear you.
Just in case it should come up,
I actually used to date Barnaby Bailer.
What the fuck?
Jerry, please.
When we were in university together.
I don't suspect he'll remember me, though.
It was all, you know, very brief.
What, like in a premature ejaculation kind of way?
Sorry, I really don't know what that is.
Well, I'm sure Joseph can show you.
Well, what is it?
Jerry?
I don't know, should we look it up?
_
- Thank you very much. - Thank you.
My contact at the NSA has agreed
to let me view Jerry's internal file.
Can you save it onto the private server?
It's important.
Sure, do you want an ice cream?
Did you get anything I just said?
No.
_
Is everything okay?
Yeah, I don't know where Jerry got to, that's all.
Oh, he and I usually have a coffee around this time.
Well, I'd bring him a coffee and just watch him drink it.
Thanks Mary.
Oh, Quentin.
Hello.
Sorry, I picked up Mom's glasses by accident this morning.
I thought you said you couldn't see.
Oh well, she can't at night.
What are you up to this evening?
Well, I usually help Mom with her bath on Wednesdays.
Let me know if I can ever be of service.
Oh, I don't think Mom would like that.
She wouldn't know if she can't see.
She would know if there were four hands in the bath.
Yes.
Half an octopus.
Yes.
See you later.
Okay.
So I thought I'd start out by giving you like a quick tour
and then I don't know.
Probably just hang out, grab a drink.
Maybe some tail.
Guys, this is Tom.
He's the one that hacked our server the other night.
- Hey Tom. - Hi.
This is Mary.
Mary's been with GCHQ from the beginning.
When was it founded, Mary?
1919.
Right, so then.
Well, not quite.
I'm actually a lot younger than I look.
Really, by how much?
Gosh, no one's ever asked me that before.
Plus she's absolutely filthy, you know what I mean?
The mouth on her.
This is Tuva.
What'd you get up to this weekend?
Not much.
I just went to a club, got with couple of salty jerks.
Your accent's really fresh.
Who is not to use it?
It's a mix.
So you hacked the GCHQ server?
Yep.
I don't know whether to be impressed, annoyed
or aroused.
Probably annoyed.
- Annoyed. - Aroused.
I could sell the sprinters off if you like.
Hey Tom, this is Joseph.
Yeah I'm sorry, I'm Joseph.
How are you? I'm actually Jerry's best friend.
- PA. - Sorry, no, you go.
Colleague.
Do you always dress like that?
Yes, why?
No, that's cool. I was just wondering if it was for a bet or something.
I can't even tell if he's joking.
Are you joking?
Do you work out?
'Cause your traps are amazing.
No, just came out like this.
Let me introduce you to Christine.
She's like the scary Mary Poppins of the team.
He seems nice.
I just think he finds me a little bit intimidating,
which is a shame really.
You know, he's hiding something,
I'm sure of it.
Our hands are tied, Chris.
Sorry.
Whitehall don't want us digging around about Jerry.
What's that noise?
Are you still on the Anthrax case?
Sort of.
Phantom of the Opera, Damascus.
It's just starting.
_
Well hey, just out of interest.
Is it possible for someone like you
to hack into say, I don't know,
the NSA database?
Have a look around, delete the odd file?
You know someone's actually trying to access your file right now.
What?
Oh, that's uh, yeah.
Can you abort that transfer?
Just for fun?
Yeah, I can just do,
aborted.
_
- Uh... - What's happening?
It's uploading again.
What the?
I could just permanently delete the file.
I would love to see what that looks like.
I love your cologne, by the way.
I'm not wearing any.
Still.
Done.
_
Jerry.
Yeah?
Should I clean up your browsing history?
Yeah, please.
That would be great.
I'll be back.
- Hey. - Hey man.
I just wondered if you would fancy going to the canteen together.
I do know that curly sausage you like.
Oh man, I'd love to but actually
Tom and I are going out for T-bones later.
Tonight?
Oh, 'cause I'm not doing anything.
You know, I look at this guy
and I can't help but think about that saying,
you hang around with chickens, you cluck.
You hang around with eagles, you fly.
Yeah, I know but the main thing with eagles though
is that they all have mental health problems.
All done.
- So when is actually... - Excuse me.
Yeah, thank you.
Dude, seriously, how do you stay in shape?
Well, I used to be a gymnast
but I just got too big.
Yeah, I know, me too.
So what kind of stuff?
I mean, can you show me something?
- It's been a while. - Come on man.
- I'm out of practice. - Come on.
Oh, hey guys.
Come on yeah!
Okay, watch this.
Oh!
Wow, what the fuck!
That was great.
That was...
- Did you see that? - Yeah, I did.
Well, I used to do that all the time when I was in gym club.
What, you were a gymnast?
Oh, it was mostly combat rolls, that kind of thing.
What's combat roll?
Oh well, hang on let me just,
I just need a bit of space to... Thank you.
It's sort of like,
get your leg over sort of like this.
You paid someone to teach you that?
Yeah.
Isn't that just a teddy bear roll?
Yeah, combat roll.
But we used to practice a lot more complicated stuff in my bedroom.
Like what?
Oh, I can't really demonstrate here
because it's not the space, and it's not the height?
- For you? - Come on. I just can't really.
I'm not warmed up.
Joseph, Joseph, Joseph, Joseph!
Okay, okay!
Joseph, Joseph, Joseph!
You hungry?
I could eat.
_
Oh man!
Yeah?
Hey.
Hey, what the fuck?
Is everything okay?
Yeah, why?
You know I got tased, right?
No I know that, but what are you,
what happened?
Just fancied a change.
What, from man to woman?
What'd you do to your hair?
- I wanted to make it blonde. - No.
No?
No, that would never work with someone of your coloring.
And you end up looking like a bee.
Buddy.
So have you... you're finished with Tom now.
Is he gone back, where is he?
He'll be in later this afternoon.
We got totally shit faced last night.
- What's up? - Oh, nothing.
Wait, wait a minute.
Dude, is this because of Tom?
No.
Listen, you need to relax
and just be your own man.
Okay, you do you.
That's the coolest thing you could do.
- Yeah. - Okay?
Yeah.
Well yeah, just as long as
you and I get to...
What?
Well, you know, remain...
Oh, what like this?
Yeah.
Yeah, no this will never change.
All right, thank you, good.
So what are you doing tonight? Do you want to go out to the cinema or something?
No, I'm out again tonight with Tom.
So when was the last time you saw Barnaby?
Gosh, maybe 40 years ago now.
I still think about him every day, though.
Can I ask, are you still a virgin?
Oh, yes,
but only fairly recently.
And when was the last time you washed your wig?
It's not a wig.
Tommy, hey.
So listen, I was just thinking of having some birthday drinks.
I can't, I'm sorry.
No, it's not tonight.
Sorry, I should have been clearer.
I know you and Jerry got a thing tonight, which is fine.
No, I just mean in general. I probably can't make it.
Well, that's cool. That's cool.
I'm not really flexible anyway.
I'm booked anyway 'cause yeah.
Just let me know.
I am letting you know.
I can't make it.
Well, let's not rule anything out. I mean it's not for eight months, Tom.
Okay, I want you guys here.
Here, here, here, and here throughout.
Got it?
Also, I'm gonna need you to clear
a little more space over here just in case
I need to do karate.
I had a bodyguard buddy
who lost his job because there wasn't enough space
for him to do karate at a key moment.
All right, back up a bit.
Little more, little more.
Yeah, another two or three feet, right over there.
So, are there any areas you'd like me to accentuate?
Oh well.
The vicar at church,
he always says that I have lovely cheek bones.
My only worry is that if I bring those out any more,
you're going to look like a skull on a broomstick.
Right.
Cigarette?
Yeah, all right.
Go on ahead.
I'll have this one.
You got a light?
Are you still lighting your cigarettes?
I just chew mine.
Lips?
Oh, yes please.
I'd really like him to tight up lips.
I'd go for bright pink.
If it's the first time you've seen each other
in a while,
then you want your lips to look like a,
cat's butt hole.
Oh.
And do lots of men find that attractive?
No.
But, Barnaby will.
Let's start.
Guest list.
No, the whole thing needs to be redone.
If I can't pronounce a last name,
I want them off the list.
Woo, ha, ha.
Good.
Oh wow.
Ow!
Did you do that piercing yourself?
No,
I just slept awkwardly.
I actually see a bit of blood, though.
Are you coming?
Oh no, I think me and Tom are just gonna hang.
Cool.
No, where are you going?
To the Barnaby Bailer thing.
Barnaby Bailer's here?
Politician?
Yeah, I know, what a fucking nickhead.
I should go.
- Be fun. - That's what I meant.
Be fun.
Should go.
I need you in that corner.
- Bailer! - Hi.
Jerry Bernstein, NSA.
We did 9/11 together.
Can I get you a little cupcake?
You fucking maniac?
I'd love a glass of milk, please.
Right, can someone get Barnaby a glass of milk?
Hi, Barnaby.
Would you mind just taking a quick pic, for our social media?
No, of course not.
- Would you like me in it again? - No, of course not.
You know, let me do this.
I'm really good at wildlife photography.
How do you? Right.
Okay, one, two,
Chris, you may wanna try to smile.
You know just imagine there's been an attack
on U.S. soil.
Still no good.
Why don't we sex this up a little.
Tom, leave that, come here!
Throw your arm around Bailer, yeah.
Oh this is, yeah, this is better right away.
- Here we go. - Sorry Jerry.
Hi, I'm Barnaby Joseph Harry.
I'm not sure if your concerned about
having a natural mouth shape.
But if you say wagamama a lot,
it gives you a very kind of honest look.
Shall we try that?
One, two, three.
Wagamama.
I've actually never been to one.
Oh, it's really great.
The only thing is the food always arrives at different times.
- Why? - No one knows.
Chris, take a look at this.
I think it's terrific.
Evelyn looks rough.
Oh hi, Barnaby.
How are you?
Hi, I'm good, thanks.
Mary Needham, we were at Oxford together.
St. Johns?
Right, are you the one that had a stroke?
Oh gosh, no.
It's just make up.
Right, lovely to see you again.
I'm surprised you even remember me.
I don't remember you.
Okay, shall we start?
- Yes. - Great.
Everyone, we're gonna start.
Just so you know I'm gonna be up top
in case anyone tries to poof!
Did you see where Tom went?
Sh!
Right, well, hello everyone.
Thanks so much for having me.
In an increasingly digital world
cooperation between intelligence agencies
has become vital.
And never has politics played such an important role
in how we view cyber security as a society.
In 1997, I started a very long journey
together with my wife, Samantha.
We moved into Downing Street
with a promise to the people of Britain.
No wait, what, what, what!
*
Okay, our friends from Greenpeace in?
Sorry, anyways onwards and upwards.
Good.
Either we treat hacking offenses as serious crimes or...
...or face the consequences of...
Has someone hacked the system?
I expected better than this, to be honest.
Excellent, now it's all over Twitter.
Anyone know who's responsible?
I must say I'm looking forward
to explaining to Rupert which one of us
decided to invite a random hacker into the building.
Go ahead, there's nothing here
that says this was the work of Tom.
Let's get this sorted.
Could be a different Tom.
Oh my God.
? This is Ground Control to Major Tom ?
? You've really made the grade ?
? And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear ?
Wanna go get some T-bones?
Yeah.
? Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare ?
Very nice.
Cat bum.
Oh, thank you.
Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com
? Misery's on the way ?
? There are bad vibes ?
? Just around the corner ?
? There are dark clouds ?
? Hurtling through the sky ?
? It's as clear as crystal ?
? From Bridlington to Bristol ?
? That we can't save democracy ?
? And we don't much care ?
? We'd better all learn the lyrics ?
? Of the old Red Flag ?
? But wait till we drop down dead ?