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Morning.
Morning, all right?
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What does that mean?
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Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com
Um, Evelyn, can I get a hot squash please?
Why is there a kid coming?
Well, it's for me.
So sorry I'm late,
the hotel I'm staying at doesn't have a decent gym,
so I had to free run it all the way here.
Free run, what's that?
Watch and learn babe.
Do you have an update on China?
Actually, my buddy at the NSA and I,
did some pretty breathtaking work on that.
This is first rate intel, my guy is the best.
This is just taken from Wikipedia.
Right, you have that here?
Oh, can I get a protein shake?
Yes would you like lamb or beef?
That'll be all thanks Evelyn.
That reminds me, who do I talk to
about switching hotels?
Certainly not me, certainly not now.
Because I need a place
that serves organic chicken breast like 24/7.
Okay so, just so that you know,
everyone at SIASEC will be having to redo their APT tests
What really?
Is that because I accidentally deleted
the entire department's personnel files
and all previous aptitude scores?
- What do you think? - Could it just be a coincidence.
You know this is actually
a perfect opportunity for me to get
to know where everyone's at.
As merely liaison with the NSA,
what makes you think you need to know where everyone is at?
Who knows what I'm going to need to
liaise with them about, right?
Plus, we run aptitude tests at the NSA like,
every few hours just to make sure
we're all constantly at the top of our game.
And this will give us a chance to see
if you're at the top of yours.
What do you mean? I'm exempt.
- Why would you be exempt? - Because I'm NSA.
I would say that's even more reason
for you to take the test, you're one of the team now, so to speak.
Maybe you and I should talk about this privately.
I just don't wanna lower morale
by getting the highest score.
I'm sure the team will understand.
I presume you're aware it involves a polygraph test?
Huh.
Chris, hypothetical question,
what would happen to someone who's currently working
at GCHQ doing absolutely fine,
might've encountered a few little hiccups along the way
but then doesn't end up faring
so well in this next round of tests?
I'd say you'd be fired.
Oh, I wasn't talking about me.
There's only so far we can take positive discrimination, I'm afraid.
You know, I've never really understood that.
Oh, well it's when someone who isn't white,
is actually really good at what they do.
That's not it.
No, I get what it means,
I just don't see why we should
be discriminating on any level,
positive or negative,
look ultimately I just want the best candidates
to win the best job.
Thank you I agree.
Why are you nodding?
Regardless of whether white black or your thing,
Hello.
You know, I'm two percent native American,
bet you couldn't tell.
I can always tell.
Well, I mean, we were all black once weren't we?
Oh, that's not racist, it's just something mum says.
Ah, great, is that my chicken?
Yes, and I didn't know what you liked
so I just got a mix of thighs and a couple of big breasts.
Did you do a background check?
- On the chicken? - Yeah.
It's just a rotisserie chicken.
- So we don't know if it's organic? - Not yet, no.
Close the door.
Shut the blinds.
Sit down.
So I've been thinking about these tests tomorrow.
Oh God, me too, hopefully they'll just
demote me if I get a bad score.
I don't think they'll actually fire me.
Is it even possible for you to get demoted though?
I mean you're the least paid here, right?
What makes you say that?
Listen, maybe we could help each other out,
what if I was the one overseeing the tests?
Wait, you'd help me pass?
Well I'd have to take into account
just how bad your score was,
I wouldn't want it to be too obvious.
No, of course not.
Plus you know, sometimes it's a good thing
for a certain person in the group to fail
just so everyone gets to see what that looks like.
Yeah, no I can get that, so what,
do you want me to fail on purpose?
'Cause I can easily do that.
No definitely not, all I mean is
if the Titanic had successfully crossed the Atlantic
to New York, do you really think
that film would've grossed 2.1 billion dollars
at the box office?
I still don't know what you mean, are you saying
that it sank on purpose?
No, all I'm saying is that you should stick with me,
and everything will be okay.
Wow, that's true, but that's what Scar says
in the Lion King isn't it,
and then it all goes tits up.
So what, have upstairs signed off on this then?
Yes, kind of.
Who does Chris report to?
- Rupert. - Then no.
All right, I can sort you out then.
So, Rupert is on a plane, but I should still be able
to patch you through.
You know, I just need one second to figure out
- the best way to actually... - Hello?
Hello Rupert.
Hey, it's Jerry Bernstein, NSA.
Jerry!
Hello,
Chris says you're settling in well.
- Oh yeah, I'm having a... - How are you find...
- Sorry, I'm having a... - How are you...
- It's, I'm thrilled... - How are you...
- No you go. - Pardon?
I said I'm thrilled, I'm thrilled,
What?
I think there's a delay.
- Can you fix that? - Ouch.
Yes I'm on a plane, I'm...
No I see that.
Oh now you're frozen, it's a good look, but your fro...
Ow!
Jerry, Jerry just tell me,
how are you getting along with Chris?
Do you know she has one hell of a reputation?
Does she, for sleeping around?
No, for being good at her job.
No, right of course,
I was just wondering if she had some kind of condition,
because I usually vibe with all types of women.
Look, Jerry, we're about to land in Syria,
Oh you're back, hello champagne,
do you mind if I conduct those, what is it?
The SIASEC aptitude tests that are scheduled for tomorrow?
I didn't quite catch any of that,
but I'm sure it'll be fine.
That's great, great, I was just saying that,
since I'll be running the aptitude tests tomorrow,
which you just verbally agreed to,
I'm just bummed, you know,
bummed that I won't be able to take the test myself,
but I'll be sure to let Christine know
of this conversation, okay?
I think Tuesday.
Sounds good, have a lovely time in Syria.
Yeah, I think we're...
That was dead easy.
Yeah.
- Is he an alcoholic? - Yes he is.
Pardon?
Jerry?
I think you're frozen now.
Chris I don't know what to say,
Rupert and I were just spit balling
about ways to freshen up the test and bam!
He put me in charge, I hope you don't think it was my idea.
If only it he was reachable to verify that,
and you're exempt I presume?
Well yeah, I mean, if I'm gonna be overhauling the way
the tests are run, I don't want to sway the results.
So, I think I'd like to start by timing,
how quickly everyone can get undressed
and then put all their clothes back on again.
To test aptitude?
Yeah, also are you familiar with the game "Sardines"?
_
Okay, so what I would like to do
is a quick polygraph test.
What's that piece of crap?
It was just a backup, prefer the older models.
- Do you mind if I touch your head? - Whereabouts?
- Here and here. - Yes that's fine.
Ow, ow.
What's the problem?
I can't get these to stick down,
there's too much hair.
Well can't you just take it off? It's a wig right?
No.
I'm happy to shave an area,
No that won't be necessary, just hold them in place.
Not you.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry if my fingers are a bit smelly.
Thank you, Quentin.
Okay, so Mary were going to start by doing
just a couple of trial questions.
So, what is your full name?
Mary Fanny Nidam
So I've added a slight US vibe to your standard APT test.
Can you just start bouncing up and down on that for me?
What's, no you put your feet on that, on the bar.
Wait where are you going?
Like that?
What are you doing?
Okay so now I'm going to call out ten numbers,
and I want you to repeat them back to me
but in reverse order.
Three, zero, 34, nine, 81, four, four again, 53,
nine and 528.
- Are you even talking to me? - Come on man!
Yes or no, would you ever betray your country
for drug, money, or sex?
Sex.
- 528, nine, three, four again, four... - 528,
nine, 53, four, four, 81, nine,
34, zero, three.
Well, I'll have to make sure that that's correct.
It is.
Four, 320...
Get up we're going again.
Did you vote for Brexit?
I don't know, who is that?
Ow, ow, Jesus Christ why do you keep hitting me?
I'm just testing your reflexes.
What was the name of your first pet?
Wolf.
That was the name of your pet, wolf?
Yeah - What was your, was it a wolf?
Yeah - That's really cool.
How do you think I'm doing overall?
'Cause I weirdly feel I'm doing quite well.
Ow!
You know you can try to hit me too.
Okay - Ow, what the fuck!
Sorry
Would you ever sleep with a coworker?
Oh my God, that's so embarrassing.
Maybe I don't know like an American?
Sorry.
- Would you ever sleep with a co... - Yes, Mary.
Oh fuck you!
Would you ever sleep with a coworker?
I just came to clean the room.
What are you doing Friday?
Would you ever sleep with a coworker?
Of course not.
So that's not what the machine is saying.
Oh my God,
Is the person you have feelings for...
I don't have feelings for anyone.
In this room?
This is a waste of time.
Wha...
Sardines.
Hmm, oh Chris.
Of course they used anthrax,
to kill off all the rabbits in the 50's.
That looks like my dad!
Could that be any ordinary,
if you found out a family member was...
- A terrorist. - Terror I know.
So what would you do if they end up letting you go?
Oh I'm sure I'll be fine,
well I've always had this dream
of becoming a trumpet teacher.
Oh, that'd be nice.
You play trumpet?
Oh no, I'd have to learn first.
Oh Jerry, Jerry, how did we all do, are the results in?
I'm still calculating everyone's scores,
but Tuva, you should consider coming to work for the NSA
with marks this high.
Mary, looks like you're safe.
Do you still need that urine sample?
Oh God yes.
Jerry, so do you want one from Mary and I as well?
No.
Please don't just sit there,
go and find out when Rupert's back.
Sure I'll check with Pa.
Check with who, sorry?
Pa, is that not her name?
His PA?
It's pronounced PA.
How can you not know that?
That's what you are!
Go away.
Oh my God.
- You smell nice Jerry. - Mm-hmm.
Yes?
- Hey hun. - Please don't call me that.
So listen,
about earlier, I just wondered whether
we should keep your feelings for me secret.
If there was anything to keep secret,
and I assure you there isn't,
the last person I would trust with that information is you.
I understand why you might want to deny it,
but just so you know you're not the first.
To deny it?
At the NSA about 80% of the staff
are attracted to me,
and that's just the people we know about.
I'm not attracted to you Jerry.
This isn't the war, British women don't just drop their
bloomers for any GI spiv with an accent and a Hershey bar.
Well, that's not what your biometric data is showing.
I'd hate for this to get out and embarrass you.
You and I both know those machines are unreliable.
I know of only two real cases
where a polygraph has given false readings,
and in both cases, they happened in films.
Well there must be a mistake.
Then why are you so nervous around me?
Look at you.
There is no way I have feeling...
A polygraph doesn't lie.
Well there's only one way to prove that.
You take it.
I have no problem taking a polygraph, wait.
So how did I do man, do you still aren't able to mark me up?
I don't know, I'll try
but your score was really on the fence.
Oh God, but which side?
Okay listen so I kind of painted myself
into a corner here, I might need to cue you
at certain times in the testing,
- just to pick... - What do you mean?
Well, it doesn't matter.
- What do you mean cue you? - Shh...
What's Joseph doing here?
Yeah I'd like an impartial adjudicator on this,
someone who lacks the mental capacity to skew the results.
Fair enough, should be fun, you're ready?
Are you all right?
Yeah, oh I have a little twitch
that comes out once in a while,
it's nothing.
Chris do you want me to run through a few trial questions
first just to make sure the equipment's working?
Yes.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
So answering yes or no, what is your favorite film?
"The Greatest Showman".
Have you ever taken any illegal substances?
No.
There was one time, at the NSA
when I had to sniff a work surface,
but it turned out the entire work surface
was covered in crack.
Yeah that seems to be working fine.
Great, should we begin?
Hold on just let me.
Yes.
- Yes. - Yes.
- Two months ago... - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Listen, I really think it's only fair
if all the questions come from Joseph.
Okay, how many legs have you got?
No you don't have to create the questions,
they just have to come from you.
To, to.
Yeah.
What does that say?
"Redacted".
Okay, two months ago GCHQ intercepted a...
- Redacted. - Redacted, Jesus.
...redacted, sorry, file from the oval office,
implying a coverup within the NSA,
yes or no, were you aware of such a coverup?
No.
It says lie.
What the fuck?
I mean move on that didn't count,
ask another question.
What's a tampon?
Not you, one of her...
Sorry, "Despite requesting upgraded access
to your internal file at the NSA, it still comes up
as classified why?"
Oh thank, I don't know.
"However when speaking with several senior figures
at the NSA It seems your move over to GCHQ
was more to do with damage control, why might that be?"
Can we take a break?
- Yeah. - No.
I think I might sneeze, actually,
and I don't want it to affect the test.
Fine, I'll wait.
I might be a minute.
What Evelyn?
Why are you and Esther?
- Put this on your thumb. - What's that about?
Take it, put it on your fucking thumb.
No I don't wanna be a part...
Hey do you want me to say you passed the test?
- Did I not pass? - Are you kidding?
Take this, put it on your fucking thumb.
This is ridiculous.
- I agree. - Let's just get on with this.
Answering yes or no, were you disgraced at the NSA
and forced to take the position here?
No sorry I...
No.
Have you always had two heartbeats?
Yes, I had a twin but I absorbed him.
Oh for God's sake, Joseph leave the room please.
That's hardly fair.
Joseph, go, now.
What do you want me to do?
Don't give it to me, don't hand it to, don't...
What is this?
Just get out!
Get out sir!
I'm sorry.
Let's, try that again.
Ready?
Answering yes or no,
were you dis...
Were you disgraced at the N...
Were you disgraced at the NSA
and forced to take the position here?
No. Motherfu...
Okay so, this is obviously not an ideal situation,
for either of us.
Mm-mh.
On the other hand, this equipment is notorious
for acting up.
Isn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Maybe I should ask Rupert to take another look
at this when we're not so stretched?
I think that,
is a great idea.
Just between us,
I was right huh?
You do have feelings for me.
I guess we'll never know.
I promise you I wasn't ear wigging,
but just to be clear are we writing off
the whole set of tests?
Yes it would seem so.
You're off the hook, for now.
Hallelujah.
For now.
So in love with me.
- Really? - It's sad.
Oh, Muna.
- Hi. - Hi.
Just came around to empty the bin.
Oh no, no let me.
- Its okay I'll... - No let me, okay.
Sorry.
? There's a bad pie just around the corner ?
? There's a dark cloud patching through the skies ?
? It's as clear as crystal ?
? From Brislington to Bristol ?
? That we can't save democracy ?
? And we don't much care ?
? We better all run the merits or beyond that flag ?
? But wait till we drop down dead ?
Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com